When You Have Many Favorite Baby Name Styles, How Do You CHOOSE?

27 Replies

Erin writes:

I’m hoping you could help me with a conundrum I’m having, and it may be that others are experiencing the same thing. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for two years now – during that time I found your site and have been an avid reader ever since. I was already a name nerd, and having two years to think about names has resulted in a huge name list! I’m not sure how we will end up building our family, or if we’ll end up living child-free, but either way I want to be prepared. I’m very much a planner, and having a general idea of which names we’d like to use would help me feel more at peace.

The problem is we like so many names in different categories! I’ve read your advice on naming your first child, and I’m aware of names that are outliers to our style. But even yet, I still feel like I could name a gaggle of children using a couple different styles.

We like word names, ancient/mythological names, and quirky Bible names. For example, here is a (very) paired down list of some of our favorites.

Boys:
Abel
Atlas
Canaan
Cord/Chord
Dash
Naphtali
Noble

Girls:
Azalea
Daphne
Evening
Geneva
Honor
Sunday
Thisbe

We also like vintage names.
Boys:
Calvin
Jack
Walter
Wesley

Girls:
Alice
Agatha
Daphne
Pearl
Phoebe
Vivienne
Sally
(it’s obviously easier to name girls than boys!)

Can any of these mix and match? For example, I think Daphne could work equally well with Atlas as it could with Calvin. But could Atlas and Calvin be brothers? I don’t think so, but my husband disagrees. He thinks I’m over-thinking it. Could you have Honor and Phoebe as sisters?!

How on earth does a name aficionado pick their favorites? If you have any help, I would appreciate it so much. I know I’ll use the advice offered should I ever get a chance to use these names, and I hope to give an update if that day comes. Thank you in advance for all you do!!

 

Oh, I know, it’s a terrible problem! I remember going through name books during my first pregnancy and wondering how we were even going to narrow it down.

For me, probably the most helpful tool was imagining introducing the child. I loved the idea of the name Dutch for a boy, for example, but I felt very differently about it if I imagined calling my parents to say, “He’s here! His name is Dutch!,” or making his first appointment with the pediatrician, or registering him for first grade. It’s not that I think we should let such pressures influence us unduly (I think my parents and the pediatrician and the school system would have been fine no matter what we chose), but some of us have the temperament to proudly announce an unusual name and would love responding to the surprised feedback—and others of us don’t, and wouldn’t.

I also found it very helpful to imagine sitting around our dinner table (I see I’m picturing my own childhood family dinner table circa 1982, except I’m the mother) and talking to my actual elementary-school-aged children. Does it feel right to me to picture a little boy named Dutch and a little girl named Marigold? Or does it feel more natural to imagine an Ian and a Clarissa? A William and a Margaret? I love all three sets, but which one feels like My Actual Family? Which one seems right for the report cards and the insurance forms and the summer camp registration? The answer is going to be different for each person.

If two or more styles feel equally right, here are a few ideas:

1. The Combination Name. This is a good method if you have several styles you love, but you’d really prefer to pick one style for all the kids’ names. It does require RANKING the sets, which might not work. But let’s say you have three styles you love: Word, Ancient/Mythological, and Quirky Biblical. And let’s say that when you do the introduction-and-dinner-table tests (or whatever tests are most helpful to you), you find that although any of the three styles work, the Quirky Biblical are the ones you feel are most right for your family—but you’re sad about losing the others. In that case, I’d recommend a first name and two middle names, and I’d set the pattern with the first child: Quirky Biblical first name, then one of the other two styles for each of the two middle names. The sibling names can all coordinate (Biblical Mythical Word Surname, or Biblical Word Mythical Surname), but with different styles in each name position. Or you can have just one middle name, and have it be from the category “We’re Not Going to Use It as a First Name, But We Can’t Bear to Give It Up Entirely.”

2. Double Up. Some names cover more than one category. Pearl, for example, is a vintage name and a word name. Abel/Able is a biblical name and a virtue name. Phoebe is vintage, nature, and biblical. Finding names that satisfy more than one style can be a good way to cram extra name styles into a name.

3. The Happy Assortment. This is a good method if you have several styles you love, and you don’t mind if sibling names go together or not. I think this works best for families of three or more children: Calvin and Atlas seems more like a jarring pair than a happy assortment. The trick is to choose one name from each category, all equally non-coordinated, rather than choosing two names from one category and one name from a totally different category. I also think it works best if the names are approximately the same unusualness and mood: I think Evening and Thisbe is a less startling combination than Evening and Alice or Evening and Sally. And it helps to have a story: if we encounter a family with a Caden, a Brody, and a Harold, it’s not that we think that’s WRONG, it just gives us a natural desire to find out what HAPPENED there. As soon as the mother says, “My grandfather died during my third pregnancy,” our minds settle right down with that. Having a story for each child’s name (“John Calvin is our favorite theologian; I did my thesis on the Titans; and I found the name Evening in a short story and was instantly smitten with it”) BECOMES the unifying feature.

4. Take It Child by Child. I’m strongly in favor of choosing a style before beginning, but did I do that myself? Not really. What Paul and I did was wait until we knew our first child was a boy, and then we chose our favorite boy name and used it. When we were expecting our second boy, we made a second list (excluding names that didn’t work with the first child’s name), and we chose our favorite name from that. And so on. Our naming style changed over the years, too, in ways we couldn’t have anticipated: there were names I would have thought I’d be sad not to use, but by the time we had a chance to use them, I no longer wanted to. As long as you’re keeping the runners-up in mind (“Wait, if we use ____ for a boy, that would mean we wouldn’t want to use ____ if we later had a girl”), I think this is a method that can help you gradually choose the right set of names. I think it’s both fun and practical to think ahead/big-picture, but sometimes it works better to narrow the focus from “the future sibling group of unknown size and sexes” to “the one baby currently at bat.”

5. Naming Other Things. Sometimes the actual primary issue is that we have way more naming interest than we have children to name; if that’s the situation, you’re in good company here. In that case, I recommend finding another outlet for the spare names: pets, dolls, computer networks, book characters, accounts, passwords, other people’s naming questions. It’s nowhere near as satisfying as naming our own actual children, and yet it can soak up some of the extra: when I felt particularly sad about a baby name we couldn’t use, I made it my password and enjoyed typing it in every day for awhile.

********

More advice, please! Did/do you love many styles of names? How did/do/will you handle it?

 

 

 

Name update:

Dear Swistle,

I emailed you nearly 4 years ago about how to choose a name style when one loves so many names. Featuring my question really did help. It settled the fact that we liked mostly noun and mythological names, and favored underused names. It took us a while, but we finally had our little miracle baby! When we found out we were having a girl, I was in love with Daphne, and my husband wanted Aurora. We were at a standstill. Then one evening my parents were rattling off a list of baby names, and this had been going on for quite some time. Our attention had started to wander but we were attempting to remain polite when my mom suggested a name that made both of us stop in our tracks. My husband even said, “Wait, go back!” My parents had visited Évora, Portugal, the year before, and suggested the name Evora: pronounced EH-vor-uh with the emphasis on the first syllable, and the same ‘e’ and ‘o’ sounds as the name Emory. We immediately loved it! We opted out of using the accent above the E, unless we really feel the need to clarify the pronunciation. We have a very simple last name so we decided she could handle a more unusual first name. Our family loves to travel, so we love the tie the name has to Portugal; I love the fact that the Romans named the city, so it is a very ancient name and ancient town with a beautiful Roman temple ruin; and we especially love that her grandparents helped in the naming process. (They were so thrilled we liked the name and immediately started arguing about who first suggested the name! *My mom clearly did, but we haven’t had the heart to break this news to my dad*).

For her middle name we chose to honor my husband’s great aunt Ester, who was more like a grandma to him. Being Swedish, her name was spelled the Scandinavian way, and she was quite vocal about her opinion that the ‘h’ in Esther is silent and therefore, quite unnecessary. She was very spunky and a wonderful woman.

We are proud to introduce our little Evora Ester Green, born November 29, 2016.

Thank you for featuring my question and to you and your readers for all the help and wonderful suggestions! I am so thrilled I finally got to give an update!

Erin & Justin

27 thoughts on “When You Have Many Favorite Baby Name Styles, How Do You CHOOSE?”

  1. Calla

    I don’t have children but am a name nerd. One of my strategies for deciding which names would/will be real contenders for possible future children is the “President Or Rock Star Test” – can I truly envision this name on both a world leader and a rock star? I’ve used names that don’t pass this test but that I still adore on pets and computers so far.

    Another way to narrow down specific names (though probably not eliminate entire genres from consideration) is saying them each out loud with the surname they’d have. It sounds really basic, but sometimes they feel quite different out loud than echoing in my head.

    Finally, my personal preference is a bit vaguer than Swistle’s “combination name” advice – I tend toward combinations of one more classic name and one more unusual name, which can allow you to mix styles. From Erin’s lists I might come up with:

    Vivienne Thisbe
    Calvin Dash
    Sally Azalea
    Wesley Chord
    Geneva Pearl

    Reply ↓
  2. A

    I see so many names in your categories that I would have grouped together differently. This makes me really like the idea of the double up concept for you.

    For example, I’d group Abel, Canaan, Chord, Dash, Noble, Calvin, Walter & Wesley together. I could see any of these names together, and most of them have a religious/virtue kind of feel. For girls, I’d put Azalea, Daphne, Evening, Honor, Geneva, Thisbe, Agatha, Daphne, Peal, Phoebe & Vivienne together. You have a lot of Greek girl names, so why consider them different categories? And then there are several non-Greek names that still seem to work when mixed into the Greek category.

    Maybe an exercise like this one, where you list all your names and then try to make new categories across the current groups will help narrow down ones that you think work together.

    Reply ↓
  4. Kit

    I have friends who name all their cars and refer to them as such. For example “I’m taking Ivan to get groceries!”
    it’s lovely. a name you use all the time, but not a child.

    Reply ↓
  5. kerry

    I agree that experimenting with coming up with different groups could be a good way to figure out which of your favorite names have the most versatility. Where you see word names + mythological names + underused biblical names, for example, I see 19th century American names (we had a president named Abraham and then one names Ulysses, after all). I’d put at least Noble, Abel, Calvin and Walter in that category, and maybe Atlas or Canaan too.

    I also might plan on not expecting my girl names to match my boy names as much. Two brothers named Jack and Canaan is a bit of a what happened there kind of thing, but I think Jack could go with almost any of your girls names except Thisbe and Evening, and Canaan could go with anything but Sally, Vivienne, Sunday, or Evening.

    Reply ↓
  6. Heather

    I am still sifting through my list but it is finally paired down to a manageable number of favourites. How I prefer to do it is keep a word document of names I like at any given time. I’ll pair them up into first and middle combinations that strike me as fitting. Then I save, close and forget about my list for a little while (which I admit is quite difficult for someone who likes names, but it can be done). I almost always come back with a different, more focused opinion. The act of being reintroduced to your choices in writing REALLY helps narrow things down. I’ve opened my word document and instantly zeroed in on “Oh yeah, that was a good one!” or “Oh man, what was I thinking?” This is what I have to be pretty brutal. I delete whatever seemed off and tell myself if it was meant to be on there I would be moved to add it again. Otherwise, gone. Sometimes I’ve decided that a first name was never going to work but moved it into a middle name spot for another name and that stuck. For me it’s all about what names have staying power when you have to look at them again and again. Swistle’s introduction test is a great idea too. I’ve used the ordering around fake children in an empty car trick, and let me tell you, hearing yourself yell “Phillippa Jane, keep your hands to yourself!” in your sternest mommy voice really does help solidify your opinion of it. Once you have a feasible list, go through and pair up by style. I have a heck of a time narrowing down a bazillion names by style, but if I weed out the names I don’t actually want to use (even if I think I do) it becomes very simple to say “This and this as brothers, so natural! This and this, not so much, but I will move that to his middle name just to keep it around.” Anyway, sorry if this was long. That’s how I do it ;)

    Reply ↓
  7. Brigid

    I keep a spreadsheet. I know, I know, but it’s working for me. Here are the columns I have:
    Girl names (nicknames in parentheses)
    Girl middles
    Boy names (nicknames)
    Boy middles
    Names for other people’s daughters
    Names for other people’s sons

    And then within “Girl names” and “Boy names” I bold the ones I love right now. That changes constantly, and it’s okay–I keep switching back and forth between Malachi and Malcolm, for instance, because I love the nicknames Mal and Mac.
    This lets me keep track of the names I like and the names I love without having to give them up entirely, and because I can pop names back and forth it’s easier for me to tell which ones I really am certain I’d like and which are kind of hesitant / I’d definitely love on someone else’s baby, like Cecily. It’s also helped me see sounds I like (soft A’s and I’s and R’s) and recognize other patterns.

    Then at the bottom, I have two more sets:
    Top 5-ish girl full names I like today
    Top 5-ish boy full names I like today
    This lets me see what a sibset might look like and how it’d work, and what my outliers are. For instance, if I were handed a daughter tomorrow and told to name her, her first name would probably be Mary Rose or Anne. If it were a son, he’d likely be Paul or Nicholas. Today’s outliers are Philothea (Thea) and Hugo.

    Reply ↓
  8. Brigid

    The other thing might be to look at “bridge” names.
    For instance, Sunday and Honor are rather sweet together, and Honor and Geneva are classy with a smidge of quirk. Honor also sounds great with Phoebe, and because both are old names they feel like a match.
    But Sunday and Geneva feel like a strange combination in my book, Sunday and Phoebe make me pause, and Phoebe and Geneva are meh stylistically but too much E. And Pearl would work with any of them.
    So in that instance, with my taste, Honor and Pearl are bridge names, while Sunday, Geneva, and Phoebe are “pick one of the above.”

    Then again, say you had three daughters. If the first is Sunday, and the second is Honor, having a little Geneva suddenly feels like it makes perfect sense–the balance is tipped towards word names.

    Can you do a flowchart? If Sunday, then not Evening, because Sunday Evening is odd. If Evening, then not Geneva or Phoebe, because that’s a lot of E. Phoebe and Thisbe feels like it locks you into Greek, but Phoebe and Daphne doesn’t feel like it does that. Et cetera…

    Reply ↓
  9. Nedra

    One mistake that I think I made was that I did name-planning without my husband too much. I sometimes would think a lot about a particular name that we’d discussed and overthink it to death and begin to feel like it wouldn’t suit our child. Then later when we’d discuss names again, I’d have already written it off the list and be a little surprised that he still liked it! At other times, I’d find a name, think and overthink on it, fall in love with it, and then propose it to my husband only to find that he hated it.

    What worked best was when I’d throw out a name that I wasn’t 100% sold on anyway and then if he didn’t veto it right away, we’d discuss it and then set it aside for awhile. Our daughter’s name was chosen in this way.

    As far as style differences, when I realized that all of my “unusual” names were being vetoed immediately, I stopped suggesting new ones but kept my favorites that I’d already suggested on my own list. Then I started brainstorming combinations of the traditional ones that we both liked with my own whimsical ones. Eventually, I had a few suggestions that would combine some of his favorite traditional names with middle names that were more interesting to me.

    In Erin’s case, it seems as though both of them like a variety of styles, so it’s not as easy to choose the agreed-upon style for the first name and the only-one-parent-likes-it style for the middle name. However, since there’s a child’s future in the mix, I’d lean towards giving the child a more traditional/mainstream name for their first name and leaving the word and whimsical names for the middle. If you ONLY liked word/whimsical names, then of course you should use them however you like! But if you are split between traditional and whimsical, then I’d always go for the safer bet and give the kid a traditional first name. They can always go by their middle name or another nickname if they want.

    Reply ↓
  10. Laura

    I second the advice of imagining introducing your child or calling the child’s school and stating his or her full name. We have in fact gone beyond imagining and had my husband use the name we were considering as his own at restaurants. We were stunned that the hostesses at restaurants were baffled by the name Jude — a mom of a little Jude I had met had alerted me to the fact that people don’t understand her when she stated his name. For some people, this would be a non-issue but for my husband it killed the name.

    Reply ↓
    1. Kelsey

      Seriously? I LOVE the name Jude and my son would have 100% been a Jude had our last name been anything else – Jude Dumont… looks fine on paper, but say it out loud – you can’t without adding a major pause in between. I say Go For It!!

      Reply ↓
      1. Laura

        I was stunned as well. My 2nd daughter would have been a Jude absolutely. So when I met a mom with a little Jude I complimented the name and shared with her that we would have used it. She said people don’t understand her when she say’s his name. I’m thinking with all the new little Judes in the last several years that people will catch on.

        Reply ↓
  11. Kelsey

    Ok, so my advise isn’t brilliant or anything as so many others have already posted wonderful ideas. Here’s my thoughts:

    Keep a running list of names that you love, ones that you like, and ones that you would maybe consider for someone else but not for your own children. Don’t distinguish between styles just keep a list and continue to add to it.

    My experiences: (I have two kids now, and this has happened both times) is that when you are pregnant there may be certain names that speak to you that you previously wouldn’t have considered or names that you had already picked out as “THE” name you no longer consider.

    e.g. #1 – When I was pregnant with my daughter, if she would have been a boy she was going to be a Maxwell. We didn’t even think about boy names, that was the name… prior to (for years) and including the entire pregnancy. When we were pregnant the second time and were thinking about boy names we didn’t even discuss Maxwell other than to say that it just didn’t feel right.

    e.g. #2 – A year ago, you could’ve asked me if I liked the name Henry and I would’ve told you that I strongly disliked it, once I was pregnant that was the first name that came to my head and our son, now an Oliver, would have been a Henry had my husband liked it. Once again, had you asked me a few years ago if my son’s name would’ve been Oliver, I would have said… I’m not sure. I think I have it on my list of names that I like but it certainly isn’t in my top three and definitely isn’t a name that I love enough to potentially be my only boy’s name.

    I know those are just a couple examples, but what I am saying is, that things change or what seems like the perfect name today may not be a year from now. By keeping a list of not only names that you love but names that you think are interesting or names that you maybe like for someone else may just end up being “THE” name for one of your children in the future. Don’t exclude!!

    As for the matching, of names, I think you could potentially choose names from different styles so long as you do it right (see Swistle’s comments). The only time I would say no is if you already have three girls with very obvious styles… such as a Lily, a Rose and a Violet then you were to name your fourth girl Wesley. That would seem odd and out of place. People would automatically assume that the Wesley is a boy when you look at the first three girl names.

    Good luck!!

    Reply ↓
  12. Lashley

    I think for you, since you’re feeling so overwhelmed with options, #4 is especially relevant. It reminds me of the saying, “You can’t steer a parked car,” which I have to say to myself many times a day. Basically, you don’t have to choose a full sibling set from the get-go. Most likely, you’ll be naming one child at a time and that child’s name will help you make decisions for future children down the line, as long as, in the back of your head, you’re being sure not to totally eliminate your other favorite(s).

    Reply ↓
  13. Erin

    First of all, thank you so much for posting my question, Swistle! When I opened up my blogger, you literally made my day!

    Thank you to everyone for your wonderful suggestions. I must admit I have already made at least 4 new spreadsheet documents with all my name combos. I loved all of the ideas and I have definitely utilized them. Most importantly, Swistle’s Point #4 was very helpful. I can’t get too ahead of myself. Realizing that I don’t have to have all the names figured out now – especially since I don’t know the number of children or these unknown children’s genders either! – gave me some peace about the situation. When the time comes I’ll only have to worry about the child/ren being named at the moment and I’ll have a nice long list of names to go off of if we end up switching styles or name preferences. I won’t have any trouble coming up with names I like, that’s for sure.

    Thanks again! I hope to someday write in when I’ve put my naming “expertise” to good use! : – )

    Reply ↓
  14. Meghan

    My daughter was born January 2016, and we named her Elora, which reminds me of your name choice-which I love btw :) Elora is a beautiful little town in Ontario, Canada that features a breathtaking gorge and was named after some islands off the coast of India. She was not named for the location, my husband believed he made the name up, however I do love her name. It is often mistaken for Aurora, but this doesn’t bother me either. Congrats on your baby girl

    Reply ↓
    2. Erin

      Ooh! Elora is very beautiful. Our wonderful midwife who delivered our daughter also has a daughter named Elora. Now I’ve heard of two little Eloras! When first reading Evora’s name people often mispronounce it E-VORE-uh (which rhymes with Elora). That doesn’t bother me either, because those sounds are beautiful. :)

      Reply ↓
    3. Britni

      Elora is actually the name of the baby in the 1988 movie Willow with Val Kilmer, so definitely not made up but I’ve always liked that name :)

      Reply ↓
    1. Erin

      I like Marigold! Of course I’m already thinking about sibling names for Evora. :) What I found with Evora’s naming experience is that no matter how much I thought about names before I was pregnant, it’s an entirely different matter when there is an actual baby on the way. So I’m not thinking too seriously yet!

      Reply ↓

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.