RW writes:
I have a naming issue. It’s not a baby-naming issue, since the baby girl in question has now grown to school age. My daughter’s name is Eve. One of the reasons I chose it is because it’s so short you can’t make a nickname from it! Also I did think it would be unusual. I understand that it has gone up the baby-name charts in recent years (rats!) but it isn’t popular in our area, thank goodness. So I was surprised when she started school recently to discover a classmate, named Evangeline, who goes by Eve as well. They use their last name initials to get around it and it doesn’t seem to bother them; they are pals. I’m the one that’s bothered! I wish Evangeline’s family would pick another nickname for their daughter so it’s easier to tell them apart. I believe that going by the full name is off the table, but they have lots of other choices! We have run into confusion a couple of times with classmates/parents of classmates getting the girls confused. Nothing fatal, but still! I would hate for my girl to have her feelings hurt because of it.
Would it be wrong of me to approach the other parents and ask them to consider picking another nickname for their girl? Am I being too uptight? Is it not my problem? It’s probably not my problem. It isn’t going to go away though – the girls are in an enriched program and are likely to continue in the same class until they are teenagers.
Yes, it would be wrong to approach the other parents and ask them to call their school-aged daughter a different nickname than the one she goes by. Even if your daughter were bothered by it, which she isn’t, and even if it were causing serious and unusual confusion, which it isn’t, it would be wrong. They deliberately chose their daughter’s name and nickname, just as you deliberately chose your daughter’s name and lack of nickname. Acting as if the name ought to be your daughter’s exclusive property is the path that would lead to the genuine confusion and hurt feelings, and could end up interfering with the girls’ friendship.
In addition to being wrong, it would be impractical: not only will this problem not go away, it’s likely to get worse. This is not going to be the only time your daughter encounters another Eve, and I don’t anticipate a high success rate from asking all the other parents to change their daughters’ names/nicknames.
If you find it unacceptable for your daughter to share her name with someone else, your only option is to change your own daughter’s name. And at this point, it might not be your option to change hers, either: you could ask her if she’d like to go by a different name (Evie is a common nickname for Eve, or she could go by her middle name, or by her first and middle names together, or by her first and middle initials), but she’s old enough to prefer not to. And even if she does agree to go by a different name, she could then encounter someone in her life who shares THAT name; will she need to continue changing her name until she’s the only one who has it?
No, this is not going to work. The girls happen to go by the same name, which is disappointing but far from unusual: many, many people share a name or nickname. It sounds as if the two girls are handling it in the standard way, by using last name initials when necessary to avoid confusion. The standard way for the parents to handle it is to feel disappointed, and then to rally in a resigned way and/or find the fun in it.
Swistle said it perfectly, explaining all the angles of some parents’ hopes that their child will be the only one with the name they’ve chosen. I couldn’t imagine asking another parent to change her child’s nickname, even if that child were a newborn, let alone a school age child. I -can- imagine being quite flabbergasted if someone made that request of me. It appears that the parent of Evangeline “Eve” isn’t equally concerned about having another child sharing -her- daughter’s name “Eve” or she would have asked that her daughter be called Evangeline at school. Naming a child a name as well-known as Eve and expect that the child will always be the only one in her class with that name was highly unrealistic. Parents wanting a truly unique name might want to select a name way down in the SSA Beyond the Top 1000 list, making sure that the name they choose is truly rarely used and not just a misspelling of a popular name. Bertha, perhaps?
Completely agree with Swistle.
Eve is a very pretty name and nickname that a number of people share.
Perhaps this is a good opportunity to reinforce the importance of good sharing amongst children…. and their parents :-)
We have an Abby (short for Abigail). When she was littler she absolutely refused to go by Abigail to accomodate another Abby (not short for anything) in her gymnastics class. Trust me, the teachers asked her, but she preferred to be Abby B. over Abigail. I didn’t push her on this because, well, it’s her name!!
Now, however, she plays around with her name, switching between Abby and Abigail on her school papers. She hasn’t yet had another Abby in her class at school, although this year she has an Abithai (boy) who goes by Abi (long ah sound).
Anyway, all that to say that maybe someday Evangeline will want to go by her full name, or Eve will want to go by a nickname like Evie, but unless the girls themselves want to change it, the situation should be left alone.
I definitely get where you are coming from but I think Swistle is right, unfortunately.. If it makes you feel any better, most kids love finding a friend with the same name as them. That might even be how they became friends in school, as you mention they are.
My son’s favorite show to watch is Little Einsteins because there’s a boy named Leo in it and he loves talking about how there’s a Leo and no Nora as my daughter is named.
Do you remember when we were in high school in every girl was named Ashley, Jennifer or Amanda as me. I loved it when I was little and went through a time, where I wasn’t so keen on it. I could be Amanda E, Mandy (as all Amanda’s) or go by Maddy and compete with all the Madeline’s, Madison’s etc.
Your daughter is lucky to have just a single girl in her class with the same name, which isn’t even the same name and this little girl might choose to drop her nickname as she is older.
I would personally be pretty peeved if someone had the gall to ask me to change the name my kid goes by and calls herself just to accommodate their child. Please do not do that! I find the notion slightly outrageous.
Agreed- it’s totally out of line to ask the parents to change a nickname just so *you* can continue to feel like your daughter is a special snowflake. Can you imagine being the other Eve (Evangeline) and hearing “Sorry, Honey, you need to go by Angie now because Eve X.’s mom doesn’t want any confusion”?
One — I get (a little) where you are coming from. My own daughter has a name that was about #100 the year she was born, but nonetheless has gone by her last initial some years bc of another girl at her school. I did find it awkward, the girls do not. Took me maybe a year? The other name that is doubled in their class is Luke, and it happens that they both have last names that start with the same letter! (One Luke’s mom was disappointed that they were in the same kinder class bc they also happened to have the same exact back pack, so much confusion. Still, my daughter refers to one as Luke B and one as Luke BB (he has a hyphenated last name) and there is NO child weirdness.
And Two — Oh I am afraid if you say something to ANYONE there might come a time when they say to someone else “Oh how funny Eve X’s mom is, she once said this to me” and you will become a social weirdo forever bc there are some moms who will not be able to forget. There is a mom at my school who treats me oddly and I can’t help but wonder if I said something awkward to her when we first met (I had a newborn at the time and the transition to kindergarten was hard for my oldest, so its possible I did say something weird. Its also possible she’s socially awkward)
I have a half dozen friends named Heather. I addressed them all as Heather, but when I talked about them when they are not around, they all have wideley accepted nicknames that allowed our sorority to easily know who was being talked about. (last names, full names, initials) My mother refers to all of them by their college hairstyles, which amazingly enough, were all different. Never a complaint from any of them. Two of them have named their daughters top ten names, so clearly it was not a life changing thing for them.
Finally, perhaps the spin is that other Eve appears to be a girl your Eve can be friends with? Isn’t it better to get confused with a girl who you find enjoyable than a girl who is a troublemaker?
So, I went to elementary school with a Carissa nicknamed Carrie, and it did bother me that she stole my name and it wasn’t even her real name, but that was mostly because she was also not a very nice little girl and not nice to me at all. It sounds like you’re lucky in that the other Eve is a sweet little girl that your daughter gets along with. I wouldn’t endanger that by making it into an issue.
My name is Valentina and I have never met another Valentina. I did have, however, a Valerie in school (and the same class) with me. As the common nickname for both is Val, I did spend most of elementary and all of junior high and high school being known as Val lastinitial and it didn’t bother me a bit. In fact, the kindred Val and I became known as “the Vals” and were best of friends even after she moved away in high school. Then we would sign our letters and e-mails to each other as “the Val on the east coast” and “the Val in the Midwest”. To this day (which is THIRTEEN years later!) we are incredibly close and sharing a name is a large part of that connection and our memories. All that to say is names are fun and say a lot about parents’ taste and hopes for their little ones. However, half the fun is watching how a child takes the name we give them and experiences life. Sometimes there is disappointment (my mother WANTED me to go by Valerie–I strongly dislike that name) and sometimes there are cool coincidences that become awesome stories. Embrace it. Don’t control it. : )
It would be totally out of line to ask the parents of another child to change her name just to accommodate your desire for your daughter’s name to be unique. Quite honestly, I’m shocked that anyone would even consider doing so.
I have never yet in my 30 years met another person who shares my first name (Leith), and honestly I’ve always been kinda bummed about that. My little sister (now in her mid-20s) is named Helen which is NOT a common name in our generation, and she attended a very small elementary school where there was another Helen in her grade. They were pretty good friends for a few years, and they went by last initials until gradually their friends started referring to my sister either by her/our surname, or by a nn derived from the surname. My mom was so pissed! She would say things like “I gave her such a beautiful name only for her friends to call her THAT!” But my sister actually liked it. I think that Eve and Evangeline-called-Eve will work it out between themselves and their friends, and in the end it will be a good story and maybe they will still be good friends. If the mom gets involved, it will still be a story in the end, but it probably won’t be a good one.
i was one of two vanessas in my (54 person) high school and i hated having someone else with my name, which isnt super uncommon but nonetheless i rarely meet another one. that said, though, i cannot actually believe anyone would think of telling another parents to CHANGE THEIR CHILD’S NAME because it bugs you! i mean, unless the child’s name is GoHitler or something.
I think your only option is to see if there’s a nickname that you can convince YOUR daughter to adopt. If she wants to go by Evie or “E” or something (maybe she’ll even want to go by Evelyn or Evangeline! I know several people who decided to go by a longer version of their name, rather than a shorter…), then your problem is solved. If she insists on Eve, then you will have some good perspective on how difficult it would be to ask a school-aged kid to change names to accommodate your preferences.
Aside from Swistle’s excellent response, you’ve answered your own question. You ARE being too uptight. It is NOT YOUR PROBLEM.
I don’t want to be judge-y here. We’re all name nerds and we get it. It is a little disappointing to find out a name that you were sure would be unusual in fact isn’t. But the fact that you’ve seriously thought about asking the other family to change their daughter’s nickname to accommodate your feelings is way out of line. Imagine if the situation were reversed? What would you say to someone who said, “Sorry but my Eve needs to be the only Eve, so come up with some kind of nickname for your daughter.” No matter how politely and tactfully you think you’re going to explain it, you WILL offend them, they WILL NOT agree with you, and they WILL tell other people about it.
Please don’t ever, ever mention this to anyone at that school. Not even as a joke.
I totally agree.
It is 100% out of line to ask anyone to change their name. Period. I think if you ask Evangeline’s parents to change their daughter’s name your daughter is going to be known as “Eve with the crazy mom” instead of “Eve Last Initial”. What happen’s when your daughter goes to middle school and there’s another Eve in her class? What happen’s when another girl name Even moves into your school district? You don’t have exclusive rights to the name Eve.
Sorry, Eve not Even
I can’t even believe that someone would have the gall to think that asking another child or her parents to change her name might be okay.
My first thought was that Swistle had been trolled. A name need troll! Who woulda thunk it?
On the off chance that this is a genuine question, the answer is no. No you can’t ask someone to change their child’s name or nickname for the benefit of your child.
Name nerd. Not need. Thanks autocorrect.
I also thought it could be a troll!
Swistle said this so much nicer than I would have, it would be kinda rude to ask someone to do what your suggesting. My name is Jennifer, I was born in 1980. I’ve gone by Jennie & Jenn & almost always have another in my class no matter if I use a nn or not. In college there were 6 Jennifer’s in a 40 person class. No biggie, it’s laughable at best. This is not your problem & I agree you should never mention it to anyone.
I agree that you’ve answered your own question: if the girls aren’t bothered by it I would just try and get used to it. I’m sure it’s annoying, but I can say from experience that having even a rampantly popular name isn’t necessarily a negative thing. I think the ultimate rule of naming is to think of your name choice as tied to your child but not the definition of them. Pick it because you enjoy it but don’t get bent out of shape over its perceived individuality. A good name is a lovely thing, and seeing how a child grows to wear it is one of the coolest things about bestowing one. Eve is lovely and it has not become less so because there is more than one wearer of it in your circle. Your Eve is distinctly herself, just as Evangeline/Eve is a completely different person from your daughter. I think you’re worried that your daughter will be seen as less distinct by those who only know her by name. She is a unique individual and YOUR daughter whether she’s the only “Eve” or one of fifty in her school! I know at least five Sophias and I have to admit that while using the number one name in the country isn’t my cup of tea, they all have little personalities completely befitting of the moniker “Sophia”. If anything, a name becomes the child who wears it, whoever wears it.
This reminds me of something that happened recently at work. My coworker Andrea (in purchasing) would occasionally get emails that were meant for Andrea in human resources. The emails contained pretty personal content, so the company was worried about it. They both have worked at the company for several years, but it was someone’s bright idea to ask Andrea in purchasing if she had a nickname or would consider going by here middle name instead. At first, she was so shocked by the question she didn’t know how to react. I told her that I thought it was extremely offensive for the company to tell her that she should change her name. To me, that feels like saying the other Andrea is much more important. She ended up standing up for herself and said no. I was glad because I don’t think anyone should force someone to change their name because it makes life easier for them.
I’m a 1985 Stephanie. My best friend is also Stephanie. We LOVE it. We are Steph1 and Steph2, and we’ve always enjoyed having our matching names. We would sign letters to each other as “The Other Steph” or “Steph numero uno”, etc… it was a lot of fun, and never a problem at all. To this day, our friendship group has no trouble with our matching names and we have no trouble with our matching names. I wouldn’t worry about it at all. Names are repeated out there a lot, it’s perfectly okay for those of us with those matching names and will be just fine for your daughter, too. :-)
My sister is a 1983 Stephanie and also did something like this. I took advantage of there being other Stephanies to call her all sorts of fantastic names. ;-)
For the first time ever, I hope that you’ve been trolled. I just can’t imagine someone even considering asking another parent to change their child’s nickname. If the letter-writer is not a troll, she needs to remember that she and her child are not the only special snowflakes in the blizzard. One quick and easy test to use when dealing with other parents and their children: How would you feel if the positions were reversed? Would you happily change what you call your daughter because another parent asked you to do so? Or would you be offended and decide that the other parent is obnoxiously entitled?
In any case, having a classmate with the same name is really no big deal. In one of my classes, five of the fifteen girls were named Lisa and there was no confusion. We all had different nicknames or went by our last names or initials.
As someone with an extremely popular name- Brittany- I honestly don’t understand how one could think of asking OTHER parents to change the name of their child. I graduated high school with at least six Brittanys and that is not counting the ones in grades below me. Starting in elementary, my classmates called me by my last name like they do in athletics. I was known as Britttany F or my actual last name. In high school, I was given a different nickname of Fullhouse.
I think that the parent and/or child of any situation similar to this should think of nicknames for their own child and leave the other child’s name up to the other parents.
Color me stunned. I’ve been thinking about this since yesterday and really cannot believe that someone would think it’s okay to ask other parents to change their child’s name – no matter what the relationship or how old the child. If this had been posted on April 1st, I’m sure I would have believed it was an April Fool’s joke.
I’m late to this comment section, but I wanted to offer something from the child standpoint. When I was little, there was 1 other Samantha in my class (it wasn’t as popular back then as it is now). To avoid confusion, the teacher said that she wanted me to go by Sam instead, and I hated it but I was a little kid and this was the teacher, so I did as she asked.
People like to be called a certain thing, and they have a right to go by the name or nickname that they want. I didn’t realize this when I was little. But I did resent the teacher and the other Samantha who got to keep being called Samantha.
This sucks. You poor thing! I am a teacher and I would never dream of telling small child (or even a big child) to go by a different name in order to make life more convenient for me. I might ask them, “Does either of you go by a nickname?” or perhaps even suggest, “Is either of you a Sam or a Sammy or anything?” on the first day of school (and hope that one of them says yes), but I am so offended for you that your teacher actually made you go by another name to “avoid confusion”!
Let me tell you about confusion! I have identical twin girls in the same class who are named Alexis and Alexandria.
I am one of the many, many Jennifers born around 1970 (when Love Story, with heroine Jenny, was released as a movie). I have always had other Jens, Jennys, Jennifers, etc. in my class, in my dorm, and in my office (although I think I’m the only I know one that spells “Jenni” with an i — too bad I don’t use that with anyone but family). I can absolutely, positively guarantee this mother that if she just stays cool about this, all the Eves, Evies, Evangelines, and the like will get through school and college and life without hurt feelings. It is part of the process of discovering that what makes you unique as a person goes far deeper than your name.