A. writes:
I know that several times on your blog I’ve read about people worrying that they can’t use ‘someone else’s’ baby name. You often say that names don’t belong to any specific person, and I’m wondering if there is an exception to this!
There is a name that we love, but it is the name of my husband’s deceased sibling, and since his parents and I have a shaky relationship and this is the sort of thing that could ‘rock the boat’ we’ve opted to not use the name. Even though we love it. Even though it’s our favourite and has been for years and we had decided on it since we got together for our hypothetical child.
So I’m wondering, although we’ve made our minds up for this baby, (love the name so much we’ve even shelved it under ‘maybe there is a possibility of using this sometime in the future?’ in our list of names) is there ever a time when a name really DOES belong to someone else?
There are two different issues here: one is whether someone can own the rights to a name, and the other is whether a name’s association is too strong/difficult.
When people tell me that, for example, they named their baby Braden and now can I please keep a pregnant friend from stealing it, or if someone says they can’t use a name because it’s a distant family member’s middle name, or if someone is complaining that they’ve wanted to use the name Charlotte since childhood but now a friend stole it for her baby so they can’t use it anymore, or if two people in a family are fighting about who gets to name their baby after grandpa—all those are situations when I bring out the idea that no one owns a name. People who have used a name (or have planned to use it) don’t get to say that now that they’ve used the name, no one else may now use it; people who want to use a name don’t need to cross it off their list if they find that anyone else in their lives has used it or has known someone who used it. Certainly there are situations where we might CHOOSE not to re-use a name out of consideration for the other person (maybe we know they’d be upset, and we don’t want to upset them), or because we have our own reasons (maybe we COULD duplicate our cousin’s daughter’s name but we’d prefer not to), but it’s not because we are not allowed to use the name. Names, as I am fond of saying until everyone is sick of me saying it, are not one-time-use items.
So! We’ve covered that pretty thoroughly and regularly. However, what you’re talking about here is a different kind of issue, and it’s the Strong Association issue. Can someone name a child Cher, or Madonna, or Adolf, or Apple? Sure, but there is an instant association, and it’s too strong for most people to want to deal with. It’s not that Madonna’s parents “own” the name; it’s that the name is now so strongly associated with the famous Madonna, it’s nearly impossible to separate them. Similar issues crop up when someone’s favorite name from childhood turns out to be the name of the other parent’s previous fiancée, or the other parent’s family dog. Or when someone would like to use the name of the family black sheep, or of their sister-in-law’s first husband who was abusive, or of someone who has recently become famous for a terrible crime. Or when someone wants to name a child a name that has since been used for a well-known product. Again, it’s not that anyone is claiming those other name-holders (or the name-holders’ parents) OWN the name or the rights to use the name; it’s just that those names come with significant associations that mean most people voluntarily choose not to use them.
In this case, it’s clearly an association issue. The concern is not that your in-laws will feel that they used the name first for their baby and so now no one else is allowed to; the concern is that the name will make them think of their child who died, and this is presumably a very strong and complicated association for them.
However, using the name of someone who was loved and then died is generally considered a very pleasing and sentimental and meaningful tribute in our culture. I don’t have enough of the details for this case, so I don’t know where the hard feelings might come into it, but it seems like the simplest solution would be for your husband to go to his parents and say that he’d like to name a child after his brother/sister, and ask if that would be too painful for them.
Very good advice, Swistle.
Agreed. I think Swistle is 100% right.
I agree. You mention the in-laws might not like it because of their feelings towards you, but I would think your husband would have every right to name his child after a sibling, regardless who he is married to-and especially if they were very close. He should be the one to go to his parents and ask if it would be too painful. Perhaps the name could also be used in the middle slot, which might lessen some of the Strong Association problem Swistle mentioned.
You never know… you might think this will “rock the boat,” but his parents may end up being very honored and touched, and it could strengthen your relationship with them
What Liz said!
Your hubby needs to have a frank discussion with them. Whether or not you use the name for THIS child, if you want to keep it in your list, he needs to ask whether having that name for a grandchild will be too painful an association for them. The last thing you want is for your in-aws to have any negative feelings towards their grandchild because of the name you chose.
Or any further reason to resent your part in that choice. Or to drive a wedge between your hubby and his parents. No matter how much you love a particular name, it’s not worth all that angst when there are SO MANY other names in the world to select.
However, your hubby may just discover that his parents would see such a choice in a positive light. Especially if he points out that his sibling was very loved, and it was such a great name they chose, and he thinks it is time to bring new life and new hope and opportunities to a great name of that very loved person. So as much as that name was used on somebody who is no longer here, wouldn’t it be a lovely tribute to their life? And if that doesn’t work, definitely push for it as a middle name.
Or, and this may be better for the reason I explain below, alter the name slightly. For example, the name Max could be changed to Maxwell, Maximillian or Maxim. The name Sarah could be Zarah or Sarah-Jane. See what I mean? Because you must also be aware of the burden you place on the CHILD, who will always know who was their deceased namesake.
Agree! If there is ANY negative associations for this child having that name, from your husbands parents or any other famIly, DON’T use the name. It isn’t fair to the child. My mother was from a blended family, and she named me after her fathers first wife, who Had passed away and to whom she had been close. Without discussing it with my grandmother, her mother, the second wife. My grandmother was mortified, in the quiet and distinguished way that people born at beginning of last century were, and showed it by never forming any kind of relationship wih me, only my siblings. It was a horrible burden.
I mean, it is a nice name, but not so nice that my parents could not have altered it a bit and still had a pretty version of the same name. Maybe even just the spelling…..
Even if your in laws agree with you using it, I recommend the ‘alter it a bit’ suggestion so this child has a name all of their own.
Thanks, all! We had already decided on NOT using the name we love, and found another name that we really-really-like, and just skipped the whole talking to the parents bit. It made more sense in the long run that if we could find something else, why even open that can of worms.
It seems that others may have the impression that you and your husband had wanted to name your baby AFTER his deceased brother, but when I read your post I had the impression that you loved a certain name which just happened to be the brother’s name: “There is a name that we love, but it is the name of my husband’s deceased sibling…” If that is the case, I find the situation different than if you specifically wanted to name your son to honor the brother’s memory.
As a parent who has lost a grown son, I would not have been in favor of another one of my children giving their child his name just because they happened to love the name. As it was, soon after my son died his younger brother and wife decided after their baby boy was born that they would like to use the deceased brother’s name as the baby’s middle name. They did ask me what I thought of that before filling out the birth certificate, and I found it very touching that they would do honor Michael in that way.
I’m glad you’ve found another name that you like a lot; that seems the best solution for you. Best wishes!
What everyone else said.
I’m glad you found another name that is less fraught, but I think most parents would be honored if you named your child in memory of one of theirs that died.