It’s been a month since the knee-replacement surgery, and I should be feeling pretty good, but I am feeling pretty crummy. The case for feeling good: I can move so much better now! I have gone from using a walker to using a cane to being able to walk on my own—which means I can CARRY things in my HANDS! I can do many things for myself now! I’m allowed to SHOWER! The dozen or so let-them-fall-off-on-their-own strips of surgical tape have almost all fallen off! I have gone from needing to pick up my leg with my hands in order to move it, to being able to move that leg just using the muscles of that leg! My PT exercises have gone from “Don’t worry if nothing seems to happen; just try to activate the muscle” to being able to make something happen! The physical therapist says I’m doing so well, she’s going to have to move me from twice a week down to once a week! She’s got me working on stairs, so that I’m starting to be able to use them normally instead of like a toddler! The scar is long and alarming and bumpy but “beautiful” in medical-healing terms! I am not so far encountering infection or rejection or that thing where the knee won’t bend enough so they have to knock you back out and force it to bend and then you have to have physical therapy seven days a week for awhile! None of that!
But in the last few days I’ve had a return of mopeyness. My appetite is low; I’m not getting joy from food like I was before; I’m dreading meals, and having to take food as if medicinally. I feel queasy and on the verge of weepiness. (In case it is occurring to you, as it often belatedly occurs to me: no, I’m early-mid-cycle.) I have non-knee aches as well as knee aches, and I feel like there’s no comfortable position to be in, and I’m sick of all my nests. I’d thought I’d be itching to go back to my job, but I feel like I never want to go back there again. The days feel long, and I look forward to bedtime and also dread it because I know I’ll keep waking up. I tried sleeping in my bed instead of in the recliner, and both nights of that were so miserable I’ve gone back to the recliner. Everything is fine and going on schedule, but it feels like it’s not. I don’t know why I’d feel worse NOW than in the first week, when I remember feeling chipper despite being in so much pain and at one point literally peeing my pants in the middle of the night and needing to somehow change clothes and clean up while managing a numb heavy useless leg and a walker. The opioids probably helped, even though at the time I would have said I felt nothing from them in terms of mood or attitude. Or maybe it was just the relief of having the surgery over with, and being now on the healing part, and everything being so novel and kind of interesting. Now the novelty has worn off.
I don’t know what’s the matter with me. I told the physical therapist, and she said that in her experience (she’s had multiple operations herself, which is how she got interested in being a physical therapist), any time they cut into you down to the joint/bone, especially if they take out a piece of you and put in a new piece, you should plan on it being 6 months to a year before you feel like yourself again. It takes six months, she said, before your body coats the new joint in a layer that lets the body see the joint as Belonging To Self. Right now there is still a stranger in my midst, as far as my body is concerned. She said take more naps, if I can; she said the body experiences the surgery as severe trauma, and it needs rest to help it recover. I tried not to cry while she was talking.
One of my dear friends is long-distance and asking if there’s anything she can do, but I think there’s nothing. Another dear friend is in my neighborhood and has also offered to do anything I need, and still: nothing. There’s nothing. I need the people in my household to keep bringing me food I don’t want to eat. (Henry has picked an excellent time to go on a baking kick: there is chocolate-chip banana bread to be microwaved until the chocolate chips are all melty; there is peasant bread to be eaten with butter and jam.) I need to keep doing my tedious PT exercises (I told the physical therapist it felt like a part-time job, and she said that’s how you know you’re doing enough of them). I need to look at less news—though I need to look at enough of it to be able to compose my daily communication to my representatives. I think I should watch more TV; two of my coworkers recommended getting back into Abbott Elementary, saying it was sustaining them during some dark stuff.
And I’d like to hear what’s up with you, if you have the energy. I am tired of myself, and my knee. Tell me something good, tell me something bad; how are you holding up? “It is February!,” a friend on Facebook posted; “That means next it will be March, and March means daffodils!!”
Here is my stab in the dark at something you might want to hear:
Over here, we are in the midst (but maybe getting to the tail end?) of resurrecting the 12 year olds grades after a very alarming dip. And it has been hard and miserable and I am very tired of spending two hours chunks trying to get a child to focus on overdue homework that I could do in 15 minutes. And I am frustrated with the school that it got to this point but also not really sure what reasonable expectations would be (her group just kind of ditched her on a group project, and I don’t think the teacher had a plan for her. But also the teacher had a husband in the hospital. And 37 students in the class.) But it is also kind of interesting to watch? The other night she felt like she had to devote all of her time to something called a “Tutoring Request Form,” where she was supposed to outline a concept she was having trouble with. Except she is not struggling with concepts! She is struggling with sitting down and getting started. There does not seem to be a form for that. But she likes the teacher for that class more, so turning it in to bring her B+ up to an A was obviously more important than the work from the class she had an F in, and there was nothing I could say about it. The part of parenthood where you know so many things from experience and your children are so very interested is a trip. (But maybe not universal. I was talking to a friend yesterday whose 18 year old son basically takes all of her advice. I can’t imagine what that would be like).
Oh also for…on the group project that she ended up doing solo, which we had to stay up until 3 AM with her to finish, turns out that in her mind the most important finishing touch was replacing every point in the video where her face showed up with A SOCK PUPPET. A completely non-negotiable sock puppet. Although I guess one bonus of her generation is that she didn’t mind what her voice sounded like recorded.
A stranger! In your midst! I found this very interesting.
For me, I have just finished signing up my kids for all the spring soccer, swimming, summer camp, etc. things that I can right now. I realized that I so enjoyed last summer, and am looking forward to it again. I stopped exercising much around October and have felt crummy since (compounded by several obvious factors). I’m looking forward to spring, one of my kids has mastered bike riding and the other, more reluctant one, is on their way to getting it as well. Highly recommend Guardian bikes if anyone is finding their kids struggling to learn. Pricey, but their claim “learn in one day!” is actually possible!
I have appreciated you keeping us up to date with surgery info. I liked the tired kitty a lot. Why do they do that?? They could just go to sleep but instead stand guard. Love it.
In 2013, I had carpal tunnel release surgery on both hands, one two weeks after the other. The recovery took me DOWN into a dark depression. For me, I feel like it was the double dose of anesthesia I went through more than anything, but it was the first time I ever had trouble paying bills on time, taking care of myself and just continuing to be an everyday human.
You sound like you have a very competent physical therapist who’s treating you for more than just the physical ailment, and I’m so glad you have them. Any chance there’s a med that might help you lift you through the worst of this? Anything to just help you plod through for a little while.
Be easy on yourself, Swistle – we’re all rooting for you. 💜
As for what’s going on in my life, I’m struggling with being a member of the sandwich generation. My 78yo mom had a quintuple bypass a year ago, and in the midst of surgery, had several mini strokes. So her heart is fine now, but her mind just shit the bed. She went from fully competent and thriving to a horrible memory in the course of recovery. I’m just not ready to take care of both my kid and my mom, but life isn’t waiting for me.
But in weird good news! I was trying to plan a trip for spring break or early summer for my partner, 7yo and I. I was trying to figure out how to fit a visit to my dad in OH with a “fun” trip to somewhere new, and I had decided on Niagara Falls/Canada. Hadn’t mentioned anything to my family because I still wanted to research. Then last night, my partner told me that his department at work is going to a conference in Toronto in April! And that families are welcome to come (at our own cost, obvs) and personal vacations after conferences are expected. So! Our trip is planned! Without me having to fuss!
I am so happy that January is over. For me, it was one of those months that made me deeply empathize with cliches about how hard marriage and parenting is. It felt like it took forever, and however difficult February is going to be, at least it will be SHORTER.
Anyway, right now I’m pleased that we are in the swing of Girl Scout cookies (I am a cookie mom) and in about two weeks I’ll be done with the most difficult parts of the whole thing. I get a lot of satisfaction out of having cookies packaged up neatly for customers and delivering them and I really appreciate how happy people are to see a cute child who wants to tell you all about Girl Scout camp and offer you cookies – as a society, we don’t get enough chances to be magnanimous and get cookies for our trouble.
Oh Swistle! I’m so sorry. This does remind me slightly of how I felt post-partum: the first few weeks were unequivocally terrible/challenging, BUT they were also *new* and I was able to power through. And, I *knew* to expect a rough time. But around 4-6 weeks, both times, I flipped into full on DESPONDENCE. Yes, I knew it was going to be rough, but it has been rough now for A VERY LONG TIME with NO BREAKS and i CAN’T KEEP DOING THIS INDEFINITELY and HOW DO I GET OFF THIS RIDE because I CAN’T ANYMORE WHEN DOES IT *FOR REAL* GET BETTER etc etc etc.
And of course it did, blah blah sunny days coming eventually blah blah, but I *so vividly* remember how dramatically I fell into that hole, right about this time.
So! I’m not sure that’s particularly helpful, but maybe just like.. helpful to know it’s maybe normal and you’ve just hit your limit of Doing Hard Things Constantly and that’s totally OK?
Personally, I am holding up EXTREMELY POORLY with all that is going on right now, and can’t figure out exactly when things will go “too far” and someone will actually do something about it?!?! But while trying to disassociate from that, we did take our kids skiing for the first time last weekend, which was genuinely very very fun. (For them, to be clear, and for me to watch them have fun. I do not recommend trying to learn to ski at 44…!!)
I’m so sorry you’re going through a rough time, and I think your PT is right – your body does see it as a trauma. As it should! Cutting out one part and putting in another is a huge deal.
Well, something good…
What do you call a very small Valentine?
A Valentiny.
Did that help? ❤️
Sending you healing thoughts!
I’m in a(nother) period of actively needing to search out the GOOD THINGS. For Example: my office got a new, $500 espresso machine with a milk steamer — it’s the first time in my CAREER, which began in 1996 ahem, that I’ve had access to decent, even yummy, Office Coffee.
My 16yo daughter is working, earning her own income, and it is SO NICE when she buys herself Chick Fil A instead of begging me to buy it for her.
Last night I re-read some of my blog archives from 2010-2018, when the kids were little. Safe to say I survived those years, despite all my complaining at the time (cringe). In fact, I could look back and see how happy we actually were. (Also how friendly/active/supportive the blogging community was then!)
I downloaded ResistBot today.
VERY little, but good things.
I hope this is not obnoxiously advice-y, but I found myself having some of the same emotional/mental symptoms of you earlier this winter and realized it coincided with running out of Vitamin D. Once I added it back in I felt a lot better. Maybe you already take it, but if not maybe worth a try? Of course you’ll still be dealing with the surgery trauma and everything else going on trauma.
If you like following along with other peoples’ cool projects, let me recommend that you search up Firefly’s Blue Ghost lander. It’s on it’s way to the moon! Planned landing date March 2. They have some amusing social media posts explaining the whole mission, some of which include rubber duckies.
Overall mental health is quite poor.
Small joys: yes to Abbott Elementary. I look forward to it every week. Also Ghosts. My hubby and I just started watching What We Do In The Shadows. It is dark but also hysterical. From the description I thought no way, but it makes me laugh out loud every episode. Also piles of not serious books. Additionally, gin.
Ugh, when food and sleep are just meh that is a hard time. I hope you can find coziness and I’m so glad that you’re getting tasty baked goods to bolster you through this time.
My family is having what I hope is one of our most challenging seasons because it is HARD. My husband has cancer, diagnosed in late November/early December and it is a bad kind, but with a decent chance at a cure/long remission. He has one more chemo cycle before we have to get ready for a stem cell transplant and I’m trying not to pre-worry too much. I am a person who is always anxious about seasonal illness and so trying to keep him from getting sick with little immunity during cold and flu season is a bit mentally exhausting. One kid is struggling hard with anxiety. He had a bad reaction to one of his allergens (nuts) and had to go to the ER the week my husband was in the hospital for the first round of chemo and it was rough on all of us. He’s still worried all day about whether he’s having an allergic reaction. As you might imagine this makes it hard to have a good day at school. One kid is thriving with school and friends and sports, but is also really worried about the current political situation. There’s been a lot of crying for 3/4 family members over the last few weeks. If my husband is crying too, he is doing it privately.
I am looking forward to some of our annual “February Fakeout” weather, when it gets into the 50s/60s and everyone thinks spring has arrived for a day or two.