It’s been a month since the knee-replacement surgery, and I should be feeling pretty good, but I am feeling pretty crummy. The case for feeling good: I can move so much better now! I have gone from using a walker to using a cane to being able to walk on my own—which means I can CARRY things in my HANDS! I can do many things for myself now! I’m allowed to SHOWER! I haven’t fallen! (If I fall, I’m supposed to go to the ER so they can check The Knee for damage.) The dozen or so let-them-fall-off-on-their-own strips of surgical tape have almost all fallen off! I have gone from needing to pick up my leg with my hands in order to move it, to being able to move that leg just using the muscles of that leg! My PT exercises have gone from “Don’t worry if nothing seems to happen; just try to activate the muscle” to being able to make something happen! The physical therapist says I’m doing so well, she’s going to have to move me from twice a week down to once a week! She’s got me working on stairs, so that I’m starting to be able to use them normally instead of like a toddler! The scar is long and alarming and bumpy but “beautiful” in medical-healing terms! I am not so far encountering infection or rejection or that thing where the knee won’t bend enough so they have to knock you back out and force it to bend and then you have to have physical therapy seven days a week for awhile! None of that!
But in the last few days I’ve had a return of mopeyness. My appetite is low; I’m not getting joy from food like I was before; I’m dreading meals, and having to take food as if medicinally. I feel queasy and on the verge of weepiness. (In case it is occurring to you, as it often belatedly occurs to me: no, I’m early-mid-cycle.) I have non-knee aches as well as knee aches, and I feel like there’s no comfortable position to be in, and I’m sick of all my nests. I’d thought I’d be itching to go back to my job, but I feel like I never want to go back there again. The days feel long, and I look forward to bedtime and also dread it because I know I’ll keep waking up. I tried sleeping in my bed instead of in the recliner, and both nights of that were so miserable I’ve gone back to the recliner. Everything is fine and going on schedule, but it feels like it’s not. I don’t know why I’d feel worse NOW than in the first week, when I remember feeling chipper despite being in so much pain and at one point literally peeing my pants in the middle of the night (the nurse warned me that can happen after a spinal block) and needing to somehow change clothes and clean up while managing a numb heavy useless leg and a walker. The opioids probably helped, even though at the time I would have said I felt nothing from them in terms of mood or attitude. Or maybe it was just the relief of having the surgery over with, and being now on the healing part, and everything being so novel and kind of interesting. Now the novelty has worn off.
I don’t know what’s the matter with me. I told the physical therapist, and she said that in her experience (she’s had multiple operations herself, which is how she got interested in being a physical therapist), any time they cut into you down to the joint/bone, especially if they take out a piece of you and put in a new piece, you should plan on it being 6 months to a year before you feel like yourself again. It takes six months, she said, before your body coats the new joint in a layer that lets the body see the joint as Belonging To Self. Right now there is still a stranger in my midst, as far as my body is concerned. She said take more naps, if I can; she said the body experiences the surgery as severe trauma, and it needs rest to help it recover. I tried not to cry while she was talking.
One of my dear friends is long-distance and asking if there’s anything she can do, but I think there’s nothing. Another dear friend is in my neighborhood and has also offered to do anything I need, and still: nothing. There’s nothing. I need the people in my household to keep bringing me food I don’t want to eat. (Henry has picked an excellent time to go on a baking kick: there is chocolate-chip banana bread to be microwaved until the chocolate chips are all melty; there is peasant bread to be eaten with butter and jam.) I need to keep doing my tedious PT exercises (I told the physical therapist it felt like a part-time job, and she said that’s how you know you’re doing enough of them). I need to look at less news—though I need to look at enough of it to be able to compose my daily communication to my representatives. I think I should watch more TV; two of my coworkers recommended getting back into Abbott Elementary, saying it was sustaining them during some dark stuff.
And I’d like to hear what’s up with you, if you have the energy. I am tired of myself, and my knee. Tell me something good, tell me something bad; how are you holding up? “It is February!,” a friend on Facebook posted; “That means next it will be March, and March means daffodils!!”
Here is my stab in the dark at something you might want to hear:
Over here, we are in the midst (but maybe getting to the tail end?) of resurrecting the 12 year olds grades after a very alarming dip. And it has been hard and miserable and I am very tired of spending two hours chunks trying to get a child to focus on overdue homework that I could do in 15 minutes. And I am frustrated with the school that it got to this point but also not really sure what reasonable expectations would be (her group just kind of ditched her on a group project, and I don’t think the teacher had a plan for her. But also the teacher had a husband in the hospital. And 37 students in the class.) But it is also kind of interesting to watch? The other night she felt like she had to devote all of her time to something called a “Tutoring Request Form,” where she was supposed to outline a concept she was having trouble with. Except she is not struggling with concepts! She is struggling with sitting down and getting started. There does not seem to be a form for that. But she likes the teacher for that class more, so turning it in to bring her B+ up to an A was obviously more important than the work from the class she had an F in, and there was nothing I could say about it. The part of parenthood where you know so many things from experience and your children are so very interested is a trip. (But maybe not universal. I was talking to a friend yesterday whose 18 year old son basically takes all of her advice. I can’t imagine what that would be like).
Oh also for…on the group project that she ended up doing solo, which we had to stay up until 3 AM with her to finish, turns out that in her mind the most important finishing touch was replacing every point in the video where her face showed up with A SOCK PUPPET. A completely non-negotiable sock puppet. Although I guess one bonus of her generation is that she didn’t mind what her voice sounded like recorded.
A stranger! In your midst! I found this very interesting.
For me, I have just finished signing up my kids for all the spring soccer, swimming, summer camp, etc. things that I can right now. I realized that I so enjoyed last summer, and am looking forward to it again. I stopped exercising much around October and have felt crummy since (compounded by several obvious factors). I’m looking forward to spring, one of my kids has mastered bike riding and the other, more reluctant one, is on their way to getting it as well. Highly recommend Guardian bikes if anyone is finding their kids struggling to learn. Pricey, but their claim “learn in one day!” is actually possible!
I have appreciated you keeping us up to date with surgery info. I liked the tired kitty a lot. Why do they do that?? They could just go to sleep but instead stand guard. Love it.
In 2013, I had carpal tunnel release surgery on both hands, one two weeks after the other. The recovery took me DOWN into a dark depression. For me, I feel like it was the double dose of anesthesia I went through more than anything, but it was the first time I ever had trouble paying bills on time, taking care of myself and just continuing to be an everyday human.
You sound like you have a very competent physical therapist who’s treating you for more than just the physical ailment, and I’m so glad you have them. Any chance there’s a med that might help you lift you through the worst of this? Anything to just help you plod through for a little while.
Be easy on yourself, Swistle – we’re all rooting for you. 💜
As for what’s going on in my life, I’m struggling with being a member of the sandwich generation. My 78yo mom had a quintuple bypass a year ago, and in the midst of surgery, had several mini strokes. So her heart is fine now, but her mind just shit the bed. She went from fully competent and thriving to a horrible memory in the course of recovery. I’m just not ready to take care of both my kid and my mom, but life isn’t waiting for me.
But in weird good news! I was trying to plan a trip for spring break or early summer for my partner, 7yo and I. I was trying to figure out how to fit a visit to my dad in OH with a “fun” trip to somewhere new, and I had decided on Niagara Falls/Canada. Hadn’t mentioned anything to my family because I still wanted to research. Then last night, my partner told me that his department at work is going to a conference in Toronto in April! And that families are welcome to come (at our own cost, obvs) and personal vacations after conferences are expected. So! Our trip is planned! Without me having to fuss!
I am so happy that January is over. For me, it was one of those months that made me deeply empathize with cliches about how hard marriage and parenting is. It felt like it took forever, and however difficult February is going to be, at least it will be SHORTER.
Anyway, right now I’m pleased that we are in the swing of Girl Scout cookies (I am a cookie mom) and in about two weeks I’ll be done with the most difficult parts of the whole thing. I get a lot of satisfaction out of having cookies packaged up neatly for customers and delivering them and I really appreciate how happy people are to see a cute child who wants to tell you all about Girl Scout camp and offer you cookies – as a society, we don’t get enough chances to be magnanimous and get cookies for our trouble.
The six month thing is very real. Every surgery I have had (removals and no additions a far) have been like that. It goes in cycles. Things that help are a higher protein diet, to help with the rebuilding of things sliced through, lots of water, and self compassion.
Oh Swistle! I’m so sorry. This does remind me slightly of how I felt post-partum: the first few weeks were unequivocally terrible/challenging, BUT they were also *new* and I was able to power through. And, I *knew* to expect a rough time. But around 4-6 weeks, both times, I flipped into full on DESPONDENCE. Yes, I knew it was going to be rough, but it has been rough now for A VERY LONG TIME with NO BREAKS and i CAN’T KEEP DOING THIS INDEFINITELY and HOW DO I GET OFF THIS RIDE because I CAN’T ANYMORE WHEN DOES IT *FOR REAL* GET BETTER etc etc etc.
And of course it did, blah blah sunny days coming eventually blah blah, but I *so vividly* remember how dramatically I fell into that hole, right about this time.
So! I’m not sure that’s particularly helpful, but maybe just like.. helpful to know it’s maybe normal and you’ve just hit your limit of Doing Hard Things Constantly and that’s totally OK?
Personally, I am holding up EXTREMELY POORLY with all that is going on right now, and can’t figure out exactly when things will go “too far” and someone will actually do something about it?!?! But while trying to disassociate from that, we did take our kids skiing for the first time last weekend, which was genuinely very very fun. (For them, to be clear, and for me to watch them have fun. I do not recommend trying to learn to ski at 44…!!)
I’m so sorry you’re going through a rough time, and I think your PT is right – your body does see it as a trauma. As it should! Cutting out one part and putting in another is a huge deal.
Well, something good…
What do you call a very small Valentine?
A Valentiny.
Did that help? ❤️
Sending you healing thoughts!
I’m in a(nother) period of actively needing to search out the GOOD THINGS. For Example: my office got a new, $500 espresso machine with a milk steamer — it’s the first time in my CAREER, which began in 1996 ahem, that I’ve had access to decent, even yummy, Office Coffee.
My 16yo daughter is working, earning her own income, and it is SO NICE when she buys herself Chick Fil A instead of begging me to buy it for her.
Last night I re-read some of my blog archives from 2010-2018, when the kids were little. Safe to say I survived those years, despite all my complaining at the time (cringe). In fact, I could look back and see how happy we actually were. (Also how friendly/active/supportive the blogging community was then!)
I downloaded ResistBot today.
VERY little, but good things.
I totally agree on the supportive blog community. Even message boards – I made some lifelong friends from all over the US that have been in my life for over 25 years. The support was phenomenal
I don’t normally comment but I feel ya on the misery so here goes…
I was sick for 3 weeks in December and then the Norovirus and respiratory plague dominoed through our family in January. So I still have the plague cough in February but I managed not to pull a back muscle from coughing so yay?
But in much better fun news…we are in the phase of life where our 17yo has discovered that if he works many hours he gets a big paycheck. So he is balancing schoolwork well (we homeschool and he takes college classes) along with his work and social schedule. He was much delayed on social interactions (from things not to be discussed on the interwebs) and so we are very happy.
He also takes an interest in the travel for my job so when I need to go across the state or to another state for a conference he gets very interested. He does all my research for where to eat and fun stuff to do which is nice.
I’ve been coping with the whiplash of political maneuvers in my work world of higher education. So I now skim headlines but mostly look at cat and funny videos on Instagram for my entertainment. We gotta protect ourselves. It’s crazy out there.
Oohhh. Oohhhh.
Tell 16 year old: narrowboat in the UK SOMEWHERE.
And also: NOLA, first weekend of Mardi Gras (which I have done, numerous times BUT fresh eyes are fun). Also we have an allium free vegan. GO!
17 year old! I confuddled it in my head with Lee’s 16 year old.
I hope this is not obnoxiously advice-y, but I found myself having some of the same emotional/mental symptoms of you earlier this winter and realized it coincided with running out of Vitamin D. Once I added it back in I felt a lot better. Maybe you already take it, but if not maybe worth a try? Of course you’ll still be dealing with the surgery trauma and everything else going on trauma.
If you like following along with other peoples’ cool projects, let me recommend that you search up Firefly’s Blue Ghost lander. It’s on it’s way to the moon! Planned landing date March 2. They have some amusing social media posts explaining the whole mission, some of which include rubber duckies.
Overall mental health is quite poor.
Small joys: yes to Abbott Elementary. I look forward to it every week. Also Ghosts. My hubby and I just started watching What We Do In The Shadows. It is dark but also hysterical. From the description I thought no way, but it makes me laugh out loud every episode. Also piles of not serious books. Additionally, gin.
Ugh, when food and sleep are just meh that is a hard time. I hope you can find coziness and I’m so glad that you’re getting tasty baked goods to bolster you through this time.
My family is having what I hope is one of our most challenging seasons because it is HARD. My husband has cancer, diagnosed in late November/early December and it is a bad kind, but with a decent chance at a cure/long remission. He has one more chemo cycle before we have to get ready for a stem cell transplant and I’m trying not to pre-worry too much. I am a person who is always anxious about seasonal illness and so trying to keep him from getting sick with little immunity during cold and flu season is a bit mentally exhausting. One kid is struggling hard with anxiety. He had a bad reaction to one of his allergens (nuts) and had to go to the ER the week my husband was in the hospital for the first round of chemo and it was rough on all of us. He’s still worried all day about whether he’s having an allergic reaction. As you might imagine this makes it hard to have a good day at school. One kid is thriving with school and friends and sports, but is also really worried about the current political situation. There’s been a lot of crying for 3/4 family members over the last few weeks. If my husband is crying too, he is doing it privately.
I am looking forward to some of our annual “February Fakeout” weather, when it gets into the 50s/60s and everyone thinks spring has arrived for a day or two.
That is a lot. Sending good vibes from an internet stranger.
We had seriously mild norovirus and getting over wondering if anyone was going to pule again took a bit. I empathize with nut allergy. That’s gotta be so much harder! And you, it’s hard to be the bystander/responsible adult in those moments. And all the other stuff you have going on on top of it. I hope time passes quickly and all do well with zero relapses for anyone.
this all sounds very much like depression and i am so sorry things are so hard. this comment thread is so comforting….not because of the many great contributions but more because there continue to be people out there that care enough to weigh in. one thing i did for myself in january was to list out all the things i look forward to in each month of the year. it’s a nice little reminder of the positive side of rhythms when things seem gray.
Yes, depression is common after major surgery. They just don’t tell you that. I know it was several weeks after I had pretty major surgery to repair a hiatal hernia and I felt like nothing was good so I actually looked it up. You are doing better but still in a tough spot nowhere near normal and on top of that it’s winter. Hang in there and don’t beat yourself up!
Oh I like the comparison of the new knee to a stranger in your midst. The whole thing reminds me, too, of those first few months after a new baby arrives. And you don’t know each other and you don’t know what the hell you’re doing and no one is sleeping right and everything seems so bleak and the bleakness seems ENDLESS and you keep telling yourself “but I wanted this!” and yes, it’s great, and yes, things are getting better bit by bit, but also the leaking and the crying and the not-sleeping.
I want desperately to tell you something good, and it’s not like there’s a DEARTH of good, it’s just the bad is easier. And I feel like maybe you will relate and have soothing things to say (but if not, that’s FINE, I am not putting you to WORK) and sometimes that can help take the mind off one’s own misery. Anyway, this phase of parenting is hard in so many ways. My kid is eleven and I know she’s SUPPOSED to be going through this whole transitional phase of cutting the apron strings and it’s natural and necessary and it’s good for her longterm confidence and independence yada yada, but it makes me so SAD. I want her to tell me things. I want her to WANT to tell me things. I want her to say things other than “you’re so weird” and I want her to look at me without a glare on her face. She’s this hilarious, strong-willed, delightful firecracker of a kid and it feels like only other people get to experience that. Okay, I am weepy again.
I also have a very hard time figuring out what people can do to help me, so I offer this in the spirit of brainstorming: what if you asked your friends to just hang out? With the proviso that you’re struggling and maybe won’t be very chipper at first. It could be in-person tea and cookies or a zoom / phone call or maybe the long-distance friend even wants to come visit and stay nearby? It sounds like on top of everything else you’re isolated, and that makes everything so much harder.
I’m so very sorry you are feeling this was. I do think it’s so common post – surgery.
As a distraction, if you like, my current life struggle is trying to decide if we should try for another baby. Early 40s, so likely wouldn’t be successful anyways. I don’t have any reason for wanting another baby, other than an overwhelming desire for another baby. But does that ever go away?! I felt like I’d be thrilled with one, then just wanted another. Then thought 2 would be it. Then 3. Now considering 4!!
Anyways, do people just stop wanting babies at some point?!
Here is a story that might make you laugh (it delights me to no end, but maybe not as funny to others). So my nephew is 3 and a half and he went to a college basketball game with me, his dad, and another aunt last week. I think 3 and a half year olds are either utterly delightful or complete terrors, depending on the day. But on this day he was a complete delight and was living his best life.
Some things you need to know…we went to an Iowa State University game and another team we support is the University of Northern Iowa or UNI.
So, anyway, after the game I was talking to him and said “maybe someday you’ll go to college at Iowa State or UNI”. And my nephew without skipping a beat—and in his 3 year old lisp–said “or Dad and I or (pointing at the other aunt) you and I.” Let me tell you, I have not laughed that hard in a long, long time.
Anyway, I’m sorry you are still feeling so rotten and sad. I hope that it turns a corner soon and I’ll be sending good thoughts your way.
A friend and I were talking about how since January 20th, we’ve had a pit in our stomach and realized the last time we had that particular feeling was in 2020. I hope it gets better because I don’t know that I can do 4 years of feeling miserable (and that’s assuming I keep my Federal job).
my friend’s son plays for UNI! Will H. – he’s a wonderful human.
I bet what you’re feeling is quite common, your body and mind have been through a lot. Sending love and hugs your way.
Hmmm what to tell you what to tell you. Oh! I tried the Maybelline lip crayon and it’s awesome. It really holds the colour, but it is a bit drying, so I put a little gloss or balm over top and yay, it looks great. Highly recommend! Also I’m heading to Mexico for a vacation and I found this stick sunscreen that purports to be “invisible,” I have heard that claim before but we’ll see if it’s true or not. I only take carryon so it’s hard to get all the toiletries I need for a week, you know? Typically I’d just buy sunscreen onsite but at the resort I’m going to just a regular Banana Boat is like $60 USD, which now translates to $90 CAD which seems like a bridge too far.
What else, what else. Oh! My younger son started at trade school this week and omg Swistle, in only a little while we may have our very own plumber. To say I’m excited would be an understatement.
Oh! And can I recommend a cute little book I got at the library, called Summer Fridays. You and I are the same age so I think you’d appreciate it – it takes place in 1999 and the protagonist is about the age we would have been then. It’s just a lovely, NYC-is-the-other-character book. Super fun, isn’t upsetting in any way, just a lovely book.
My washing machine has been non functional for a month, but a new one will be delivered on Saturday! It was only 2.5 yrs old but I bought the extended warranty so they paying for the replacement. It will be so nice to wash clothes at home again.
Swistle, I so hope things will get better soon. Kudos to Henry for taking up baking at the best possible time.
Geopolitically speaking… so much of it just plan sucks, I hate that this is the state we’re all in. When I think back about what I dreamed my future would be like I definitely did not take all ~~this~~ into account.
Something good… well, our oldest has finally gotten the hang at ice skating and swimming. Especially the latter is such a relief. Our youngest is going through a terrible-two-phase that WILL pass, but boy… he is a trial upon my patience. But! Potty training is progressing, so maybe MAYBE the diaper days are slowly coming to an end.
Work is slightly boring, but could be way worse. In truth I am just so done with winter already. I need sunshine, flowers, colours, daylight, you name it.
Sending the very best vibes to you.
I’m sorry to hear the recovery is being difficult. I went to our state capitol yesterday and it was nice to see all the people protesting…all this…and be reminded that not everyone is a total douche canoe, which is what it can feel like on the internet, currently.
It sucks, IT SUCKS, you are rightfully sad, and I’m going to counsel you to try not to pile it up by beating yourself up for being sad, but I know that’s hard. My sister had a hysterectomy, and had the same thing – period of healing, feeling slightly better, and then a serious regression in mood to the point where she felt like something must be wrong.
I have had knee pain keep me from sleeping a couple of times and it’s wretched, and it has to be a fraction of what you’re feeling. When you’re not comfortable moving or not moving? Ugggggghhhhhh.
My daughter just got some disappointing news about her plans for next year from a professor that’s been jerking her around and I am angry. BUT her current thesis professor is awesome, and is only not taking her on for a master’s immediately because he’s on sabbatical next year. So we are now formulating grand plans for a wacky gap year and then she will likely go back to her university city for grad school when he’s back. She’s looking at other lab tech jobs and she could be doing rat surgeries, or might just get a job at the bar where her friend works in Montreal, a very fun city. Plus we’re working on how to plant a harmless but annoying stink bomb in the jerk prof’s lab.
I keep commenting and then my comments keep not being here – I’m afraid to type a whole thing out again. Can you see this? Testing, testing?
I’m sorry you’re in a rough spot with recovery. I’m sure all the other world happenings aren’t helping with morale, either.
Something Good: I jumped on the alcohol markers + cutesy coloring book bandwagon and it is so fun! I just zone out, have fun picking out my colors and feel my stress levels drop. Which is good, because I keep getting burst blood vessels in my eye that I’m sure are from my blood pressure being too high. :)
I just finished chemotherapy – hooray! But I caught the stomach flu almost immediately after finishing. It really only lasted about two days, but afterwards I felt like I just couldn’t recover. Food didn’t interest me, drinking water became a huge thing, I felt down and didn’t want to do anything but stay in bed. Yesterday I reached out to my Dr. because I managed to get myself in a dehydration situation and she ordered me IV fluids. Immediately after finishing the IV, I craved a cheeseburger. This is my long way of saying stay hydrated. Drink whatever you want – your favorite tea, a soda, fancy sparkling water, something with electrolytes – anything that sounds good to you. I feel much better already and I hope you will start to perk up more soon.
How about a DoorDash gift card from your out of state friend? I found it really nice to not have to think about dinner and to just let my family order something.
You’ve got this…it will get better.
I’ve had a few surgeries and every time I get post-surgical blues. I attribute it to the anesthesia although I’m not certain that’s the case. After back surgery, 30 years ago, I was actually suicidal and my doctor was pretty dismissive. Thank god, times have changed. I don’t think it’s terribly unusual and I do think you have to keep telling yourself that it will get better, like when your baby has colic.
I think that post surgery depression is a result of the trauma to the body, the anesthesia and the opioids. I certainly have felt it every time I’ve had surgery. And the good news is that it doesn’t last forever, one day you’ll realize that it isn’t so bad, and then it gets better every day.
I am trying very hard to look at the good things, because my stomach has hurt every day since Nov 5, to the point where it’s hard to eat sometimes. I am planning a cruise to Alaska this summer with my husband, kids and grandson, and I’m going to see Denali, which has been on my bucket list forever. And we are having snow this week, and my grandson is seeing it for the first time and is completely adorable.
You’ve been through a lot! It sounds normal to feel not like yourself. If it goes on too long, talk to your doctor. They may have some advice.
Some things that have been brought me joy lately:
Young adult, murder mystery book
Conversations with my 87 year old dad
Holding hands with my 14 year old, when she lets me.
Buying some new plant stands
Walking the streets of NYC on a cold day with my family and taking in the traffic, the people, the chaos
I got knee surgery close to yours (mine was January 9th) although I a different type (mine was ACL reconstruction with a quad graft) and I feel the same. I think I expected it to be hard in the beginning and even though it has objectively improved a lot, I’m over it feeling hard. And I knew going in the rehab was probably going to be a full year but I’m still struggling. I’m over it; over the exercises, over being in constant discomfort, over lumbering around and being low energy. But we soldier on….
You have probably already watched this show since I am the last person in the world on this band wagon but I watched Ted Lasso and that was a nice escape.
As other people have said, this sounds so much like 4-6 weeks after a new baby has been born when your life has been upended for so long that you hardly remember it and everything has routinely become so much more difficult than it needs to be. It will pass, but the human brain has this thing where unpleasant situations feel timeless, even when we know they aren’t. I’m glad your PT is helpful, and I hope you’re feeling better soon.
As for my current state, I have tried to replace the mindless news/Facebook scrolling on my phone with reading an ebook. It’s been easier to train myself into an alternate (somewhat rewarding) behavior than to try to stop the doomscrolling directly. I am reading whatever will bring me some little spark of joy. Right now it’s the Bernie Rhodenbarr burglar mystery series. I’m also making a knit stuffed snake to track how many books I’ll read this year (different colored stripes for different genres). I’ll give it to my kid when I’m done. I’ve found focusing on all this really helpful when I would otherwise stress myself out and spiral. Even though I definitely still sometimes do that too…
I have found the Allison Montclair Sparks and Bainbridge series to be LOVELY. I told a friend it’s like Gilmore Girls (fast talking, witty, competent) in 1950s post war England.
They don’t really prepare you for the emotional aspect of a Big Deal™️ surgery. There’s so much you feel going in (hope, dread, bustling to prepare, worry, fear) and then so much afterwards (being in the hospital, meds, pain, needing help, going home, PT, healing). It’s just all of it so much on the mind and heart! There’s also the aspect of getting pain relief from a procedure after your life was organized around avoiding the pain. Some find themselves at odds with the new life (weird, I know). Not so much a letdown as a shock at not having to deal with it anymore. Nutshell: I think your mind is catching up to all you went through to get to this point. It needs to heal, too.
My baby’s celebrating his first birthday this weekend! I’m hoping you approve of his name: Asher Leo. He was born during Superbowl halftime so he gets a Superbowl party even though we are gay and know nothing about football. So really it’s a Taylor Swift party.
I love everything about this! Happy birthday to Asher.
Sorry to hear you’re having a hard time, Swistle. I second Megan’s suggestion, can your friend just come and hang out with you for a bit? Is it absolutely impossible to go out somewhere for lunch or coffee? Sorry if that is an unrealistic suggestion.
It is super hot here, over 100F (I’m in Australia) and our airconditioner stopped working on Saturday. On Sunday we called an emergency technician; they came out and said it was dead and would need replacing. When our current unit went in, they had to remove a roof panel to put it in place. Since then we have had solar panels put in over that spot so removing them to access the roof would be a pain. The other alternative is to access from inside the house but the access space is small so we would need a unit with particular dimensions; they looked up possibilities and quoted $19,000 to replace it.
We decided to get a quote/second opinion from our usual air con repair guy on Monday; he came out and replaced a capacitor which fixed the problem!
Hello, sorry you’re feeling a bit grotty. Others have lovely advice. My thoughts after several large surgeries are about how much good nutrition your body needs to heal let alone manage daily function. It might be worth having a blood check to see how your protein levels are, iron, haemoglobin and essential vitamins. You need an extra extraordinary amount of protein to heal bone and skin! And all the building blocks of your blood need to be optimal. Take gentle care and sending lots of well wishes your way. X
I’m so sorry that your recovery is not as one would wish. But at least there’s cake.
Cheery things that are happening in my life are: the summer vacation is almost all set up. We’re going to Norway to visit at least four friends in different parts of the country by rental car, ferry and train (as well as, of course, the two flights in each direction). It has been a nightmare trying to co-ordinate all the transport. And we can’t get train tickets until 90 days before, so that is the “almost” part. But, EXCITING!
And I’m about halfway through painting the kitchen cabinets from 1980s varnished plywood to cream enamel. So much sanding! So many fiddly parts to paint! The nightmare of the underside of the upper units!
I really hope your outlook improves as soon as possible 🌞
I just started a job this week after 13 years of stay at home parenting. The job is fantastic and it’s 20 hours a week so it should be ok to manage. Four days in though and I can just feel the overwhelm creeping in. I’m just not used to being out of the house every day and only having less time to do the things I need to do. On the flip side it’s a farm job, I’m an assistant vegetable farmer, and the farm does a small maple sugar production every year. We tapped trees and collected sap this week and that was a super fun start to working. Hang in there, this won’t last forever.
Also way down in the depths over here. See also: Everything Going Right Now In Our Country, heartbreaking elderly pet, perimenopause, February. But my 10yo and I went to the diner last night when I couldn’t face another night of cooking, and we read books and talked and ate grilled cheese and it occurred to me kind of for the first time: I actually created a human person who’s really fun to spend time with. Like their company is GOOD company. They have interesting things to say, and they are funny and kind, and they have smart and cool ideas about the world. Wow. I can’t believe it.
One suggestion — have you watched the Traitors?
It is the brightest TV spot of my week. Season 3 is on right now — if you haven’t seen any yet, you could gorge yourself on hours and hours of both earlier seasons of the US version AND the equally delightful UK version. Just, imagine Alan Cumming dressed in the most amazing outfits imaginable and chewing the scenery with every word (trrrraaaaaiiiitorrrrrrsss!!!) plus low-stakes reality TV that is surprisingly absorbing.
The teenager is turning 17 this month! This means I get to busily think about ordering a cake and what sort of gifts he might enjoy and then try not to slip into the abyss of counting months (15) , days and hours until he leaves us.
The dogs also have birthdays this month, but they don’t expect gifts, so just ordering little hats and treats!
Something good:
I saw daffodils blooming in the woods here!!!! Mine aren’t there yet, but they will be soon!
I picked out my Easter dress this week and am obsessed with it. I am now very much enjoying the process of searching for a coordinating outfit for my toddler (I replaced doom-scrolling with a facebook BST group addiction. Highly recommend). I’m leaning heavily into the floral/green/new life themes.
I also cleaned out my closet and drawers last weekend and filled like two big black trash bags full of donations, and now have gotten a few new sweaters to finish out the season in so I won’t dread getting dressed every work day. Might online shopping fill some void/energy?
I’m sorry the recovery is so long and hard. I hope you feel better soon – physically and mentally – and can again start feeling some of the joy that you bring to us!
Swistle, I’m so sorry you’re having a hard time. I do think, having had multiple surgeries- including, once, three major ankle surgeries in less than two years- that it’s not uncommon and it absolutely should get better. I also think that everything in the world is extremely scary right now, and it’s very hard to deal with this level of chaos and uncertainty and just cruelty everywhere. If it helps you at all- it helped me a bit- the regime has not won a single court case. We are in bad shape, but not everything is lost, and calling our reps is helping!
As for me….kids I nanny for are being funny, and that helps a lot. 3 has been really into the titanic and I love it when she looks seriously at me and says “the problem with the titanic is there weren’t enough lifeboats and that’s why everyone died” and she’s just so earnest and I think it’s just so funny.
I am thinking of you. Thanks so much for continuing to write. I’ve been counting on your blog since….before Henry was born.
Thing 1: My aunt had a knee replacement in November, and my best friend is having her gallbladder out next week. I will be checking on them both for this post-surgical depression, and I thank you for the heads up.
Thing 2: a few months ago you posted something about speaking kindly to your bladder and I thought, “hmm, I can try that, it sounds easy,” but I was pretty skeptical that it would make a difference…and it has been LIFE-CHANGING. I’m so grateful to you. You know why. It’s saved me so much work.
If you are looking for distracting tv, Ghosts UK really did the trick for us right after the election. We watched all five (very short) seasons over the course of two and a half months. It’s light and sweet and funny but not dumb. There’s a U.S. version, but it’s not supposed to be as good (true of so many things these days, but in this case I get to opt out).
Thank you for your updates, and for letting us be part of your life. You’re one of the few blogs I follow that didn’t just fade out over the years and disappear, and I love your style of writing.
What follows isn’t yet me talking about myself and what’s going on – I’ll put that in a separate comment – but commiserating and putting out some ideas, so if you don’t feel like reading that, feel free to skip.
I’m so sorry you’re feeling like crap at the moment. But even without having been cut open open and having put in an Impostor Joint, this would be a difficult time to be a human, so you’re definitely not out of order to feel like this with the big surgery and recovery on top of it. I mean, even just being unable to get a good night’s sleep for an extended time is miserable! And then there is the general state of things, and the situation in the US in particular (which is honestly insane, even just witnessed from all the way over here in Germany, Ican’t imagine living in the middle of it).
It’s also the grey time of year, where everything just drags and the lone thing to look forward to is spring. From how you describe your feelings, I was wondering if there isn’t some seasonal depression mixed into it all, too. In your place, I’d invest in a light box and also have my vitamin D levels checked, apart from also looking into other ways to make life a little better.
I hear you on now disliking all your nests – I usually love sleeping and y bed is one of my favourite places, but always when I’ve been ill for an extended time, I just can’t get comfortable anymore and hate even the feeling of my usually oh-so-comfortable pillow and blanket.
All in all, it sounds like you’d benefit from some out-of-the-house time, and from experiencing some things that nourish your soul. Yes, sounds super cheesy, but your mind has little to revovle around right now that isn’t painful, dreadful, tiresome or boring, and you deserve some sparkle. Or, as I’ve seen on a number of social media posts in the last six months or so, if we think of ourselves as wild animals that have been caged and have certain needs that need to be fulfilled, you probably need enrichment activities outside of your enclosure.
If you can walk now, maybe you can ask your local friend to take you on some not-too-long outings, where you go and look on beautiful, hopeful or engaging things, and then return back home? A local gallery or museum, a flower shop or nursery maybe? You could visit all the beautiful new plants, enjoy them and then just go home knowing you don’t have to plant, water and weed them, apart from maybe just getting a pretty little flower bouquet. While it’s great that your PT is just once a week now, it also means you leaving the house only is scheduled once a week, and that paired with general improvement makes cabin fever a likely factor in your predicament.
Maybe your friend can look for some fun events that allow for sitting. A poetry slam for example? Those can be very funny and very thought-provoking, and will probably leave you with some things to mentally go back to and mull over without being super heavy. Or a book reading at a library (not necessarily the one you work at) or book shop, if there’s an author you might enjoy with some new book coming in.
I remember you quite enjoyed your pottery classes some time back – is there an option to do that on a once-at-a-time basis, without having to commit to a regular whole class?
Ah Swistle, I’m sorry about the recovery issues from your knee surgery. It sounds rough. I’m hoping you can take more naps and enjoy some soothing TV. We canceled our ridiculously expensive cable subscription (finally) which we never used, and I signed up for Disney Plus instead, specifically so I could do a rewatch of the entire run of The Muppet Show. It has been soothing.
Another TV rec: we like the UK show Grand Designs, which you can usually find uploads of on YouTube. You can watch British people build/renovate crazy houses. The show has a very defined structure and tropes that my husband and I experience as soothing touchstones (is the house watertight yet? Is concrete being poured?). Does a truck with construction equipment get stuck on a narrow country lane or do the wealthy homeowners to be take a trip to Eastern Europe somewhere to visit their ridiculously expensive custom windows as they’re being made? Take a drink.
A small sadness for me: my ortho doctor told me I should be very cautious about doing yoga. I have been recovering for a while now after a slow moving train wreck of posterior tibial tendonitis. My left ankle tendon is stretched out like a rubber band, and if I twist or flex my ankle (as in many yoga poses), bad things will keep happening. So I get to do yin/restorative yoga, but any other class I have to say “hey, self stop- you don’t get to do downward dogs or warrior 2s anymore.”
Small joys: I love our kitties so much I can hardly stand it. I have made a fair number of soups lately. We are taking a little trip tomorrow to see migrating sandhill cranes.
Love to the Swistle posting community. <3
Thank you for posting this, Swistle. I think my husband will have to undergo surgery somewhat in the near future, so now I can be a little more prepared for that.
Something fun: I just had my birthday and my husband got me LEGO flowers! So much fun! The click when it snaps together is incredibly satisfying! He gave me the succulents one and there’s 9 flowers in there!
A friend’s husband just left AND then she was diagnosed with breast cancer. I sent some Lego flowers as a pick me up. That you love them makes me so happy!
I think for anyone, it’s hard to go through a big exciting (but stressful and difficult!) crisis then having to settle into This Is What My Life Is Like Now. As others have said, like a few weeks after having your first baby. I’m glad you have a good therapist who is emotionally aware and validating you too. I feel for you, this stuff is hard. You will get better over time, but of *course* it feels like it’s taking way too long and everything’s still too hard. You’re going through a lot!
I don’t know if you do SF at all, but Star Trek Lower Decks is animated and (mostly) aimed at adults and it’s amazing and hilarious. It’s a Trek show and there are callbacks to other Trek shows, but I know people who’ve watched it as their first Trek and have managed fine. It’s full of people who complain and get (hilariously) annoyed at each other when they go through wacky things, but on the whole they are STARFLEET – they want to help people, they want to learn about people, and science is very exciting. There’s just so much hope in it. (And it’s funny!)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V3RkBKedKWw there’s the season 1 trailer if you’d like to have a look.
I am also enjoying the hell out of Cadbury Creme Eggs.
Oh gosh and also Would I Lie To You on YouTube – it’s hilarious. A UK panel show with two teams. The basic concept is one person has to read an anecdote on a card and then answer questions about it, while the other team figures out if it’s a lie (the person has only just read it 10 seconds ago) or if it’s true (it’s an actual anecdote from their life that they told the researchers about).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=elXB5YFAsQw
One of the stories in this one that I’m watching right now is about the person thinking that water polo involved horses. They’re all very silly and give each other a lot of grief.
Hi Swistle, hang in there!
This post reminded me to put a table cloth on the table. It’s a small thing that adds cheer imo.
A good thing for me right now is a neighborhood friend has established a mom friend group over the past few years and I feel grateful for those friends.
I am also giving myself permission this year to throw things (old toys) in the garbage without the added challenge of giving away etc. it’s freeing and we are getting rid of 1 bag a week of various things.
Photo management overwhelms me, yet I have three favorite pictures from the past 15 years. I plan to get them in frames as a gift to myself, and worry less about managing the rest, at least for now.
My DH has been taking medicine for weight loss and
Making other healthy choices and it has been life changing for him. It makes me happy to see him happy.
In September of 2001, I was living in Hoboken right across the Hudson from the WTC and I cut my hand really badly on a can of cat food. That was on Saturday, September 8 and I went to the ER and made an appointment for Tuesday, September 11 with the same doctor so I didn’t go into the city that day. Literally when I was in the elevator on my way up to see him, the first tower of the WTC fell, it was really insane. What’s weird is that he saw me, we had our appointment, and he said I didn’t need surgery but he wrapped it up and put it in a kind of sling, I could barely move my arm. I took Vic0din and it helped with the .. detachment from the pain, if not the actual pain but my GOD did I get depressed. I of course couldn’t tell which part was making me depressed, but I have never, ever been that low. I remember one night I was lying in bed and I got up to move the bottle of pills out of my room and into the bathroom cabinet, I just had to get away from them. This is all to say that when you have been taking opiates AND there is a terrible event happening, it’s possible they are related! I hope your good things start to outweigh the bad. It IS February and next month is March already!
I am commenting because you asked us to and you ask so little of us and give so much. I’m having a hard time at work and have three teenagers that I feel exactly like S who commented earlier and said about her 11 year old “She’s this hilarious, strong-willed, delightful firecracker of a kid and it feels like only other people get to experience that.” All three of mine are so charming … I see … to other people. But I have my job and my husband has his and we are all healthy, etc … I’m sorry your recovery is so hard and it sounds pretty universal from your comments section, at least. Take good care of yourself
I think as others have said this is a pretty normal reaction to be having as a human right now, and especially as a human who has had major surgery. I am normally an optimistic, glass half full type of person, and even I am struggling to maintain that outlook. I have also noticed in myself that it takes surprisingly little physical discomfort to affect my mood for the worse. Covid, stomach flu, minor injury – these are all things that in the past have left me feeling down, if only temporarily. And I think it is as one is on the upswing that the emotional part is harder, because when one is truly in the depths of pain/surgery/illness/etc. there is no room to focus on anything else. When improvement begins there is this awareness of being a little better but not as much better as expected (whether or not those expectations were realistic is not really relevant) that is so disappointing/frustrating/depressing. I think doing the physical things that might help (hydrate/vitamins/PT/eat/nap) even when you don’t feel like doing them is good, and then add any glimmers of happiness/distraction that you can, whether it be funny tv, lighthearted reading, crafting, puzzling, etc. And know that this too shall pass, even if it doesn’t feel like it. Oh and I listen to podcasts to keep me company when I am home alone. I like ones with two female co-hosts chatting best, like Happier, Sorta Awesome, The Mom Hour, The Girl Next Door, Office Ladies, Lazy Sisters, etc. And February is almost over, so there’s that.