We are bringing the twins back to college, and I am not WORSE than I was their freshman year, but it’s close. For one thing, when we dropped them off freshman year, it’s not as if I didn’t already appreciate them as Beloved Household Members, but I didn’t appreciate them as much as I appreciated them after they were gone and then I had them back home again. And now they are leaving again, and I already know how much I will miss them. And also because I have seen how Rob, now age 25, was a member of our household and then he went to college and now he is gone and living elsewhere and we hear from him only very infrequently, and only when he feels like it and not when we feel like it, so I am thinking of that as well. It is difficult to avoid becoming a GRASPING sort of person, when they keep just SLIPPING AWAY like LITTLE FISH.
Then of course there is the additional layer of worry about Edward and that situation. My primary worry is not that the semester will result in another batch of D’s; that would be fine, and then we’d know, and then we could then figure out what the options were from there—and there are plenty of options left. I have mentioned that I am lucky enough to have had several friends and co-workers go through this situation with their kids before I had to go through it with my kid; and each time, with each kid, each friend/co-worker chose the “one more semester Just To Be Clear” plan and, each time, as the friend/co-worker of the parent in question, with no skin in the game, I felt that was Right, and Good, and I was glad they’d chosen that plan. And I feel right/good/glad about that plan for Edward, too, whether it ends in A’s or F’s or somewhere in between: the plan is to TRY THIS AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS AND THEN WE CAN GO FROM THERE, if you see what I mean, and I know from the comments section that many of you don’t, which likely means some of the people in my daily life also don’t. I am cringing already, imagining the semester not going well and how many people might think “SEE?? WE KNEW IT WOULDN’T WORK!!!,” without realizing what the plan was, or that it DID work.
But my REAL concern is that Edward will not see this plan the same way we do, and that Edward will see this as some sort of IF YOU FAIL, THAT WAS YOUR LAST CHANCE AT SUCCESS gladiatorial arena, and that Edward will see the D’s/F’s coming in and will resort to Acts of Despair—rather than seeing this semester as one more scientific input for our spreadsheet, helping us to see what the next plan should be. That is my real fear. Oh OF COURSE I have said so to Edward, EXPLICITLY, but do you remember being 19? Me neither, but I remember just enough about being 19 to be worried. I remember adults saying a lot of things that seemed oblivious/stupid/clueless. Hey, do you remember adults telling you to Be Yourself, and to not change who you were just to impress someone you wanted to date, because then even if you succeeded in your ruse, the person wouldn’t be dating The Real You? And back then I was like, “Um, yes, thank you, CRAZY CLUELESS WEIRDO, but THIS GUY doesn’t WANT to date The Real Me, so clearly?!?! this is my only chance at success!!!” And I would have looked them right in the eye and been absolutely confident that they were the stupid one.
Anyway. Last year I was buying the extra-long sheets and the mattress pads and the desk lamps and the towels and the shower caddies and the shower shoes; this year it’s more just replenishing the trail mix and the body wash and the deodorant and the floss picks and so forth. There is less to do but just as much to worry about.
That seems like a very useful way to proceed, viewing the upcoming semester as a test case. I’m curious how you handle communication frequency with your young adults living at college. Do you wait for them to get in touch? I’m anticipating my oldest going to college in two years and wanting to be in contact every day. That surely wouldn’t be welcome. My parents would call on Sunday evenings when I went to school and that even felt like a lot back then.
Gosh, that’s hard. I’m sorry. I’ve been in a similar situation with the worry. It was during covid, when my teen, unbeknownst to me, was extremely depressed. So hard. Sending all my best.
There is no right or wrong way to approach these things, and it shows your steadiness and sturdiness as a parent that you’re making the decision that is right for your situation and your own child at this point in time, even if some people advised you otherwise. I am thinking of a particular situation in my life where nearly everybody told me to not spend time with a certain person anymore (for very valid reasons!), and I chose to disregard their opinions based on my vantage point of the situation. My choice turned out to be the correct one for me as the situation between us started to resolve and now things are much better. So sometimes you have to go with your gut (and your co-parent and your knowledge of your financial situation, etc). I hope he is able to turn things around, and if not, I’m glad you have ideas about plans B & C.
I am also curious about how you handle communication with your college-aged children. Mine are still too young to do most basic life functions without me, but I’m imagining a time when they will be more autonomous. My own parents were not good models of most things, so I’m curious how other families work. A long time ago I read a post of yours from your stay at home mom days where you talked about the importance of apologizing when you mess up, and it was very influential in my path to being a different sort of parent. So I would love to hear more about being a parent to young adults.
Oh that last line, so true (even though we’re in the buying first-year stuff phase with the second kid).
I hope this year gives you some clarity for Edward.
My oldest NT child will be a senior in high school next year and I have been having such curious feelings about it, watching friends’ kids go off to school. I am sick of my kids almost all the time, it seems they are always coming at me, never giving me a moment’s rest, ESPECIALLY my daughter who will be a senior next year and yet, the thought of her not living in my house is bonkers.
You make such a good and realistic point about how children listen to their parents, thinking of how you were. Whenever I find myself HORRIFIED at something my kids have done, I think back 35 years and think, oh right I’m not the devil and I definitely lied/ignored/whatever transgression I’m thinking of my kids committing. I hope that Edward has a good semester and everyone gains some clarity.
From another friend with no skin in the game, I also think you have chosen the right plan. Data is always good. I hope it goes smoothly, whichever way it goes.
I love your approach and especially your awareness that if this doesn’t work out, there are other good options available. It’s all life experience. To come from a home where he is really safe and loved and supported regardless is life changing.
My eldest is going into Grade 12. I KNOW I will be a worrier about whatever comes next. I never worried much when they were little!
I am someone who has gone through this. My son, after 2 years at a far away school, began getting D’s and his average plummeted, barely passed the semester. We transferred him for his junior year to his older brother’s school Bc we thought somehow that might help(older brother is very driven). It did not.
Now he is back in our hometown, living on his own , working full-time at a job where he is well liked and has much support and favor (this is the silver lining for me). He values the job and says he is finishing his senior year online (let’s hope)This would never have been my first choice for him, but he is not a total
loser, let’s put it that way.. and has a good work ethic for doing his job- just not for studying , apparently .
I am choosing now to support and love him no matter what, after much ridicule and condemnation on my part.
“There is less to do but just as much to worry about.” This week my older daughter turned 26 and my younger one started her first Big Girl, College Graduate, Health-Insurance-and-401k job, and your last sentence here rings so very true. They need me for so little now, but their problems are so large. Can the older one afford the inevitable rent increase when her lease renews this winter? Is the younger one safe in her apartment alone? Do their boyfriends treat them well when no one is around?
Since my children were in elementary school I have said that as they get bigger, so do their problems, and that still holds true. The stakes just get higher. Parenting is not for the weak!
That last paragraph is particularly resonant for me; my older son goes back next weekend and it’s just about replenishing all the consumable/ toiletry things, nothing else. It’s a strange feeling. I got used to him not being here, then used to him being here, then – he went on a 3 week trip with his dad – used to not being here, and now he’s here for two weeks before not being here and YES I SHOULD JUST DELETE THIS RIDICULOUS SENTENCE BUT SWISTLE I CANNOT. What I’m saying is yes, it is difficult not to be grasping. We’re doing it. We aren’t grasping. But.
There is less to do but more to worry about. Yes to this. We just got back from dropping our son off for his second year of college, 17 hours from home. This year we left him with a car, which fills me with frets because he just got his license this summer so he is not a very seasoned driver, and his college is in a beautiful area near the coast, so roads are narrow and winding and way too close to cliffs for my comfort. Yes, many worries.
I finished my first semester at college with a solid 1.0 GPA. The deal my father made with me was that I was to return, continue, retake the classes I had to retake BUT I HAD TO START THERAPY! There were mental health services on campus for $5/session (this was in the mid 1980s but I HOPE schools still offer comparatively low cost services). It was an important way for him to show support and faith in me but also to be assured that I was in touch with professionals….
Just a thought.
“It is difficult to avoid becoming a GRASPING sort of person, when they keep just SLIPPING AWAY like LITTLE FISH.” THIS!! My son got married in November and I rarely ever hear from him. My husband tells me the phone works both ways – and yes, it does BUT I don’t want to be the buttinski Mother In Law so I try to keep a low profile. But then I wonder, does that make it look like I don’t care? Pfft. Give me a toddler any day; parenting adult children is HARD!
I think you made the right choice regarding this semester. Whatever way it goes, there are plenty of options.
*virtual hugs*
Heartily sympathetic and empathetic regarding the first part. Daughter is in fourth year, I drove her back (five hours away) on Tuesday and came home yesterday. I am not WORSE than first year, but I’m not appreciably better either. Mostly we’re just really good friends and she’s fun to do stuff with and I love having her around and I’m sad that she’s not now.
I’m sorry I missed the situation. How stressful and dispiriting that must be for all of you. I know a few people this has happened with, and I’m not sure if it’s statistically significant that it was all with boys – some girls bottomed out early but freaked out loudly and outwardly and managed to switch programs or drop some classes. I would guess that it’s just another crap gift given by toxic masculinity – stiff upper lip and all that, and then by the time the jig is up it’s too late for constructive action for that year. I really, really hope it works out.
Welp, I just found out about two hours ago that my son was formally asked to withdraw from his college program for bad marks a couple of months ago. We expected him to be re-registering for fall right now, instead turns out he had been on probation all this time and blew it. All I could think was, “Thank GOD for Swistle” – I mean, it was not great news! but at least I didn’t spiral or flip out because of your post, and all the great comments left on it by others who had been through the same thing.
Now we begin the process of looking at those other options and ugh, it’s going to be an uphill battle. But it’s so nice to know I’m not alone!
That sucks and I am sorry that is happening!
It really does help to feel like we’re part of a group <3
Please tell Edward that I dropped out of the University of Pittsburgh in 1989 after two pretty unsuccessful years, because I was Not. Ready. For. That. And just moved straight into various kinds of work, most of which I enjoyed and was successful at. I went back in 2006 to George Mason University and graduated with a BS in Psychology with honors and everything, the same year my son graduated from Kindergarten.
The path may swerve, where it leads may be out of view beyond the next bend, but whatever path it is will be the right path for him.
Sending you virtual hugs.
What you say about wanting clarity makes so much sense. Or I guess it would just be clarity for now, because what a 19YO[what is the affectionate term for kind of a situational idiot?] needs can be completely different two or five or 10 years later. One of high school gang cycled through most of the schools in a big deal university, eventually got a glam job that didn’t require a BA, then decades later went back and got his bachelor’s.
My current area of stress is my college senior who had a highly marketable major and no clear idea of how to get a job, or how to work with the career center to find a job. And while I realize the job market had changed dramatically from my day, I am pretty sure a lot of things are the same (get a work history, apply for tons of jobs in hopes a few will offer interviews, do not wear shorts to the interviews, and hope one or two will offer you a job)
*one of MY high school gang
Last week I find out my son has failed a subject entirely (he submitted zero modules and sat zero exams) and has passed the other two by the skin of his teeth. I’m trying to stay calm and not cling but I am not managing either. He had also fallen out with his lifelong best friend and tells me it is not salvageable. I feel sick with worry and frustration because I can’t actually do anything about it. I miss when he was small and I could fix all the things. I’m trying so hard to get it right!
I read through the comments on the other post because this is in my wheel house. I was an academic advisor at a university, and everything that was mentioned by professors and administrators is good advice, but it’s also not the only way. My brother has been in college off and on for 20 years. He has retaken some classes four times and found success on the last try. My parents have been endlessly supportive and paid over and over again to let him try and fix his mistakes. My now husband spent several quarters throughout college being on academic probation. He switched majors multiple times. He did not retake classes he got Ds in. A D is passing, and as long as he was able to try new classes and get higher marks, he was able to dig himself out of probation. It took him five years to finish but he did finish with an art degree and has worked steadily in IT, which was his main passion in college but there was no major for it at our school. All this to say that even though many in higher education didn’t encourage the “wait and see approach” in the previous comments, it’s not because we think you’re wrong. The goal in higher ed is to keep students engaged so they can graduate in a timely fashion. We only know our own institutions and what they offer to struggling students. We know how much help we can give, but the first step has to come from the student, and that feels so frustrating as an advisor or professor. Your goal is to help your student figure out what he wants and what he needs, which may or may not include his current institution. The Swistle community is so special and is truly rooting for you and Edward.