I have been having some lil self-esteem issues recently, almost entirely due to seeing some candid photos of myself.
I have a friend who says she thinks she has whatever is the opposite of body dysmorphia: instead of looking in the mirror and seeing herself as exaggeratedly ugly/fat/etc., she looks in the mirror and thinks “Damn!!” Then she sees herself in photos and thinks “…Oh.”
I don’t look in the mirror and think “Damn!!,” but my mental image of myself is of someone much cuter than I am. And if I see a photo of myself taken head-on and when I’m ready for it, I am not generally inordinately displeased: I have the usual critical thoughts (ug, my chin! ug, I’m so squinty!) but I’ve become accustomed to combating those, and also I know from experience I will like the picture much more in about ten years, so I can make myself okay with it. But then I see an action shot of myself from the side, or of course an unexpected front-facing camera view, and I feel bad about absolutely everything. I am OLD AND DISFIGURED AND NO ONE WOULD EVER THINK I WAS CUTE IN ANY WAY.
It does help, though, that when I look at the OTHER people in candid photos, I often think “Wow, that is not a good photo of them”/”Wow, that is really unflattering”/”Wow, they don’t look like that at all,” and that this includes, for example, people I know to be very, very cute.
There is a book about the 1988 election that starts with a description of Ronald Reagan (movie star! photogenic! always perfectly posed!) vs. George Bush Sr. (charming in person but somehow always making the wrong face when the camera goes off, actually quite athletic but at any given moment looks like he’s about to crash into things) that I have clung to as an explanation of my relationship to pictures of myself. Some of us have faces that only really make sense in motion. It doesn’t make us unattractive, but it’s a “you had to be there” kind of attractiveness.
Plus there are all kinds of weird things with lighting and focal lengths that are enough to give myself permission to not accept that still photographs are the true objective measure of what I actually look like, and what I see in the mirror/my own mental image of myself is not.
Now that I think of it, candid shots are kind of like hearing your voice on a recording – it reveals an aspect of yourself that is unfamiliar to you and therefore looks/feels weird, but to other people, it’s TOTALLY NORMAL. Like, I never think “huh, she has a weird voice” the way I do about my voice on recordings, or “huh, he moves/holds himself weird” the way I think about myself in candid pics.
I am consistently taken aback by how un-cute I look in pictures. In my head I am fabulous; in the mirror I am above-average for a woman of my age; in photographs I am a troll. Too bad I cannot photoshop my brain-picture onto an actual-picture.
Exactly the same for me.
SAME. They really need a name for this.
Exactly
Love this post and comments! A sort-of flip side: I’ve had several people comment that I am photogenic, and it’s a bit of an odd compliment when you think about it: “Wow, you look much better in photos than in real life!” (I know that’s definitely not what they were really saying, just a silly way of thinking about it.)
Yep. BUT I would bet, from your sense of humor (and the absurd generally), that your face is one of the ones that “talks” and therefore that you’re one of the people who look better in person than in freeze-frames. If you take a movie or a TED talk or whatever and get a few random [not studio-chosen] stills that are not blurry: do the most alive-looking, most interesting people look *weird* in the still? YES.
(of course, also, we are not yet used to looking older, and society yowls at us about age-related changes being bad and we have more or less internalized that, such that all “new” wrinkle or skin-texture or whatever evidence looks just “bad” (because older) instead of “different” (because older) to us, generally, with the exception of the few Glamorous Older Ladies – hopefully at least a few – we have tucked away in our heads to remind us that grey hair and wrinkles do not necessarily equal ugly. But also: candid photos are not the best evidence for anything, honestly, except whether you were or were not smiling a lot at an event.)
OH THE FACES I MAKE. I do a ton of public speaking for work where it’s really important to engage my audience and get them to at least grudgingly relate to my topic and me. Every picture of me is like I’m doing a Jim Carrey impression where my face is grotesquely twisted. I have yet to find one that makes a good action shot.
I recently officiated my first wedding, and yep, every photo taken has my face in some odd Jim Carrey shape. WHYYYYYYYYY
I also usually dislike the way I look in photos. BUT! Recently I attended an event in which several candid pics were taken of me without my knowledge. And I am pleased with those photos! So I think the unnatural act of posing for a pic is partially why they can be so unflattering – rather than our actual appearance.
One other factor is that in the mirror my hair waves to the right but in pictures it waves to the left. It’s a lifelong issue of course, but in the era I’m in now it seems like one more flaw.
I also find the mirror image disorienting/confusing. Or, I guess, the non-mirror image. And yes, also that extra bit of cognitive dissonance, where it looks kind of like me but not *right* somehow, is occasionally the straw that broke the camel’s back.
(but: I love photos of people I care about, and my mom has been dodging photos for more decades than I’ve been alive, so: please do make sure to keep collecting *some* photos all the way along, even if they are objectively terrible?)
I suspect this is why so many people now take pictures using the mirror-image feature: those pictures look Right to them. The main problem, from my point of view, is that then the person looks Wrong TO EVERYONE ELSE!
Pictures, candid or not, are always awful; but as you noted, 10 years from now are completely acceptable.
My New Years Resolution (2023 edition) was to allow photographs to be taken. I’ve spent too many years being horrified by my own appearance in pictures. And maybe, my kids would like to have pictures to remember me by when I’m gone (!), as I like my pics of my late mom. I still absolutely 100% Hate the results, but the thought of WHY there needs to be pictures of me helps.
In my head I’m a slim, slightly hippyish, waiflike, 30yo.
In reality I’m a chunky, uncool, grey haired 60yo. And that’s what my grandchildren’s selfies with me will capture.
I went to a funeral recently for a coworker’s relative and the picture slideshow kinda made me think, “that’s it?!? Those are all the pictures they had to show for this woman’s long, busy life??” So yes! Take the pictures for people who love you and who aren’t thinking AT ALL about a wrinkle or blemish or imperfect hair.
I’ve been thinking about this big time. I am so sick of pictures of babies. Show me the people holding babies.
You know, I’m from Canada and every year I’d see talk of / advertisements for how to take great senior portraits. Well, we don’t use that term for the last year of high school commonly here, so before I remembered from year-to-year I’d be charmed that there was such focus on celebrating older people by capturing great images of them… only to be vaguely disappointed to find out that there were aimed at taking pics of teenagers.
I still love the idea of finding tips and tricks for taking great portraits of senior adults.
Haha! Shawna, this comment made my morning! As the mother of an 18-year-old “senior” in the midst of scheduling the portrait session it made me grin to think about redefining it to mean older adults!
I feel this. I have entered the time in my life (*cough perimenopausal cough*) where I’m struggling with my weight (eating better for a few months – when I can summon up the willpower to do so and not succumb to the late night snacking – seems to have NO IMPACT on my weight, nor does activity level), and when I’m posing for a photo I know how to compensate, but when it’s a candid photo or when I go into a space with multiple mirrors so I can see myself from the side I absolutely despair at my double-chin. As in, I have always thought of myself as a no-nonsense, practical person who doesn’t need to conform to societal beauty expectations (I cut my own hair, I don’t wear makeup and only apply moisturizer and hair paste after showers, I don’t paint my nails or do manicures, etc.) yet I find myself fantasizing about getting that damn wattle taken care of surgically.
Shawna, fellow Canadian here and I feel like I could have written your entire comment, word for word. ❤️
I know a woman whose mother died unexpectedly in her 60s; and said mother hated to have her photo taken, and always went to great lengths to avoid it; and the outcome is that the woman I know has only a handful of photographs (maybe half a dozen), now, of the mother she loved. Her mother adored her grandchildren and spent a huge amount of time with them; they have one photo of her back with one of her grandchildren, and that is all. Please please please let people take photos, even if you personally hate how you look in them. The people who love you love YOU.
Yes!! My mom hates having her picture taken and really tries to avoid it, but recently she was at her college reunion and one of her former roommates posted a pic on FB of their little friend group, and my mom looked SO HAPPY. It was the best picture I’ve seen of her in years and years, and I am so grateful for it. I’m determined to do a better job of grabbing photos of her when she doesn’t know I’m doing it so I can have those memories.
So relatable. When I look back at older photos from even 10 years ago, I have a full face smile (all the way to the eyes). Now in my pics, the smile is a grimace or forced. Its not intentional (life = mostly fine) and takes away from the picture. Must be that I’m not feeling happy about how I’ll look in the picture and it shows on my face.
I completely agree with this conversation – I hold an image of myself as a 30-something year old, and am disappointed and upset with the images of this 59 year old in the photos. I wonder if it has to do with a discomfort with aging in general (old = bad, so I don’t like it). plus the reality that most older people don’t actually FEEL old, which is good, but leads to a disconnect, a confusion.
I also wonder if it has anything to do with a lifetime of “christian morality” being held up as a standard. We’re supposed to not think of our bodies, just our souls. And then when we do think about our bodies, there’s a layer of shame in there.
So we have the two fold issue of inner vs outer image, plus shame at being bothered at all. There’s a lot to keep recovering from!
Please find the poem “In the Photo” by Donna Ashworth. It’s all you need x “Be in the photo, my friends, They are not for you.”
In my mind I’m mid 20s, slim, petite. That’s sort of what I see in the mirror. In photos it’s obvious I’m still short but also 50s and chunky. Candid photos always seem to catch me in sort of a sneer? Like a crinkled up nose, NOT in an attractive way.
My recent photo savior has been a type of selfie my teen daughters call a “point 5.” Turn your phone camera to 0.5 and then turn it around (so you’re shootings blind). Honestly it creates VERY flattering photos.
My daughter shot “ussies” of her and I all through our vacation together recently using this technique and got some great shots!
Holy smokes, what is this magic?
Swistle, I had this exact experience two days ago. I left the house feeling super cute, went out to dinner, and then on a trip to the bathroom confronted a shlumpy middle aged woman looking back at me from the mirror. WHAT HAPPENED. I fully understand the reverse body dysphoria feeling, of being fairly happy with my body/shape and how I look in clothing, but then being SHOCKED when I encounter myself in a store window or a photograph. I guess I’m glad it’s happening to others, too? And I don’t go around seeing my cohorts as shlumpy, so hopefully I’m not as shlumpy to others as I am to myself? Ugh all around.
Okay, BFF wading into the fray here. You have the BEST SMILE. The best. In person and in photography. It makes me happy every time I see it. I will brook no refusal, none.
HOWEVER, I also hate photos of myself so I’m with you sista.
I just read something that resonated about This Very Thing:
When you take a photo of a gorgeous sunset, you’re hoping to capture the amazing beauty.
Then you look at the photo and are almost always disappointed. Because the camera didn’t capture the beauty. THE CAMERA DIDN’T CAPTURE THE BEAUTY.
Take that to heart. It’s the camera’s fault. You’re amazing. And amazing for sharing the insecurity so we can all lament and empathize.
Excellent point about the sunset!
I also feel pretty good about how my face looks in the mirror. But the moment I pick up a handheld mirror and look at my profile, even if it’s at just a 25 degree angle, I feel like I’m looking at a totally different person. I look at least 10 years older and much less attractive. Why?? It’s my same face/body/outfit/hair–why is our perception so different? I don’t see a disconnect between when I look at someone else directly and in profile.
SWISTLE!!! Am I your friend with the reverse body dysmorphia? Because I thought I looked so cute in the mirror today and then my son took a photo of me with all my giant zucchinis, and I was like “whoa nelly, what happened here.”
*I know I’m not *really* your anti-body-dysmorphic friend, but I feel so close to you right now.
Oh, yes. I have been losing weight, feeling good. I went to a theater performance where I had 8 of my former students, five from this year. One mom sent me the picture and…..I look horrible. I guess this is how others see me…
I think a person sees with their brain and not with their eyes, so I am always optimistic when I’m looking in the mirror. I WANT to see myself looking presentable and ready to go out the door to work or whatever. Then I see a picture with the same brain and lack of optimism and I think omg who is that? Between my brain and my heart and my eyes, who the hell knows what I look like? What is tripping me up lately is seeing pictures of former school chums on Facebook. I saw a recommended for you friend picture the other day that is HAUNTING me because I thought, wow that looks like X, but surely it’s not, surely her MOM is on Facebook, but no, it was X, and we are the same age and she looks her age and probably I do too, ugh!
THIS IS HAPPENING TO ME TOO. I saw a family photo, and my first reaction was to think it was an old family photo of my classmate’s family. “Wow, I hadn’t realized how much he looked like his dad!” And it IS a photo of my classmate’s family, but NOT old, and my classmate is not the teenaged boy but the OLD DAD!!
Just ordered new glasses, and after I’d narrowed it down to two pairs of frames that, examined in my optometrist’s many mirrors, looked absolutely adorable on me, I took and texted selfies to my spouse to ask him which he though were cuter. He sent me his opinion, I went with the opposite, ordered my frames, didn’t think another thing about it.
Three days later, I pull up the photo, intending to show my kids what mom’s new glasses will look like, and it’s like a goblin dressed up like Sally Jessy Raphael. Whyeee???
It is not impossible to get to a place where I think Oh yes, my friends who say we don’t owe prettiness to the world are so right, I am so much more than how I look, I need to free myself from the need to feel attractive because it’s such a waste of time – but it IS impossible to stay there for any amount of time. I still make it a point to be in pictures, because I want my kids to have them and I want to have them. But man, if I haven’t had time to suck in my tummy and straighten my shoulders and amend my Resting Bitch Face it is rough to see. And I’ve tried doing the mirror image thing – my daughter always does – but that was horrifying. Apparently one of my eyes is a bit squinty and when I switch it to the other side it’s particularly grotesque.
This discussion makes me think of the pictures of Martha Stewart in Playboy. I saw one or two pics in the headlines a few months ago. On one hand, good for her for being an 80 year old swimsuit model. Also, she’s clearly had the benefit of some expensive beauty treatments, hair dye, selective angles and photo shopping. In other words, a highly edited version of an older swim suit model (to look like someone much younger etc) is all that’s acceptable in modern media.
I recall a skincare discussion on this blog in which we were discussing the relative merits of applying Vaseline to the face to avoid age related dryness. I don’t know about Vaseline but at almost 50, I have recently discovered beef tallow and it is a GAME CHANGER. It doesn’t smell like meat, it’s infused with essential oils. HIGHLY Recommend.
I have started to write this several times and stopped because I know you are in no way fishing for compliments. Yet I just *have* to say, as someone who sees you in person and regularly, that you are indeed VERY cute.