Here is our current crisis: we found out recently that Edward’s freshman year of college resulted in mostly D’s. These were not just required/core classes, but classes in the chosen major. And Edward did not tell us, but let us cruise along inexorably toward the next school year without knowing anything was wrong, or that academic probation was in place, or that the academic scholarship had almost certainly been lost. We found out when we received a tuition bill for Elizabeth for next year, but didn’t receive one for Edward. (Interestingly, this turned out to be a glitch unrelated to the crisis. I am reminded of a college administrator joking to parents during an orientation seminar that they could not breach student privacy but they could sometimes give hints that might cause us to breach it ourselves.)
I found out about this situation abruptly, and so my initial reaction was to say “What happened?? What HAPPENED?? But what HAPPENED??,” with varying degrees of emotion and intensity and voice-breakage, roughly twenty times. Edward was not able to answer this question in any way that would make anyone go “OHHHHhhhhhh I see!!” Still unknown: if Edward DOES know what happened, but can’t/won’t answer, or if Edward doesn’t know. The only thing we’ve heard so far is that the classes were all repeats of already-repetitive high school classes, and Edward couldn’t stand to do Computer Programming 101 for essentially the third time. This could be true! This could also be bullshit. The thing about this claim is that the chosen strategy for dealing with it has resulted in needing to take it for a FOURTH time, so I’m not sure reason and result line up. Part of Going To College is slogging away at some classes you don’t want to take and classes you find boring/repetitive, and/or finding ways to get more out of them, and/or doing such stellar work that the professor notices and asks you to be a teaching assistant. That is PART OF IT. If that’s not something a kid can do, there may need to be a reevaluation of the plan.
Oh: we have also heard that the roommate was fine in most ways, but would talk on the phone for hours a day, in the room, often into the wee hours of the morning. That DOES sound bad. But…part of Going To College means dealing with a roommate situation, one way or another. You can talk to the roommate about it! You can talk to the R.A. about it! You can investigate changing roommates / getting a single room! You can find other places to study! You can get earplugs! You can ask your parents for advice! What you can’t do is get all D’s and think everything will be fixed when you get a different roommate!
We’d asked for updates about college throughout the school year: we saw Edward every six weeks for Remicade treatments, and that is two long car rides, and we talked about it every single time, and the report was always that everything was going great—or, actually, I remember hearing that all the courses were easy. I filed that as “Everything is going great.” Well, and of course it’s not that Edward said in depressed tones that all the courses were easy, and seemed steeped in discouraged misery: the reports were upbeat.
Edward wants to go back and give it another try, and thinks things would be different next semester. It is not clear to me that anything would be different—but in part that’s because I still don’t feel like we have a grasp on What Went Wrong. (Again: Edward may know what went wrong, and may therefore have reason to believe changes can be made.) This is one of those situations, I think, where a kid can think it’s better to play things confident, when actually it would be more confidence-inspiring if they were like OH GOD I DON’T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED BUT I WANT TO GO BACK, LET’S BRAINSTORM WHAT MIGHT NEED TO BE FIXED.
We have a gap in how the parents want to deal with this. My first reaction was that this is a “Yank The Kid Out”/”Huge Reevaluation” situation: kid can drop out of college for now and reconsider career/education options! kid can go to local community college or local inexpensive residential college and regroup, and maybe return to Preferred College after a semester or two of Renewed Effort and Better Grades! Paul’s first reaction was to say in dramatic tones “This could have been ME” (it was in no way ever him, so?) and to be willing to cash in some of our retirement savings in order to continue to pay for the more-than-we-can-afford-because-of-the-presumably-lost-scholarship college tuition. I say like hell we do that.
Here is where we have agreed to find temporary compromise. [Edited to add: To clarify, I am saying this is the decision that has been made, not a decision that’s still open. We are choosing a path with a known low statistical rate of success, but we are choosing it on purpose, to bring us to the next step of the process: either it will work, in which case wonderful, no problem, just a rocky start to freshman year! or else it will not, and it will be abundantly clear that we are not acting too hastily to pull the plug and try something else.] Edward will be given ONE more semester to show that this was a weird glitch and not an indication that this is the wrong college/major/career/time/diagnosis. (Paul does not agree on JUST one semester. I will agree to rethink/reconsider after one—but in my mind, at this price, if things don’t work after one semester, this is too expensive an experiment to keep dabbling around with, and we need to find solutions before continuing the scientific trials.) Because of the academic probation status, someone other than us will be supervising this: there are requirements about meeting regularly with advisors and maintaining grades/attendance and so forth. And we are of course discussing issues such as: (1) getting set up with someone at the Student Mental Health Center; (2) please for the love of god let us know if there are things you know about that are preventing you from succeeding. But I feel like I am getting the patient “Yes, Mother. Yes, Mother” response to this.
If the GPA-based scholarship has been lost (there is some slim hope that it is not yet lost), Edward will take out a loan for the difference in tuition. [Edited to add: This means not needing to dip into retirement savings.] This is another reason I will not want this to go on semester after semester.
If this semester does not go well, then there will be all the more justification for a reboot. But also: Edward can feel that there WAS a full chance to Try Again. This isn’t “One slip and you’re DONE/OUT, buster!!” Edward will not have to eternally wonder what would have happened with Just One More Semester To Make It Right, and cannot lean on “If only my parents had just let me try One More Time!!!” I’m reminded of when my mother had a medical incident involving persistent fainting, and was insisting to the EMTs that if they would just help her to bed, she’d be fine; they said okay, let’s see if you can even stand up without fainting. “That’s what I thought,” one of them said, affectionately, as they caught her.
If we’d known about all this, say, back in MARCH OR APRIL OR MAY, maybe we could have set up a therapy situation over the summer. But we did not find out back in May. We found out in mid-July. There is no way we will get in to see anyone before the semester begins in August. My friend’s kid is in far more dire psychological straits, and the earliest they could get an onboarding appointment was NOVEMBER—and they started looking in MARCH.
If we’d known, say, back in MARCH OR APRIL OR MAY, we could have had Edward re-take at least one of the classes at the local community college over the summer. But we did not find out back in May. We found out in mid-July, when it is too late.
I have been very fortunate that several of my friends and coworkers have gone through similar experiences with their children. Not only does this mean I’ve had a lot of chances to think about such things, it means I have people to talk to about how they went through this and what they tried, and what worked and didn’t work.
ALSO, I am finding it helpful to think back to how I felt, hearing the news about other people’s kids, when I had that layer of remove. I remember I did NOT say “What HAPPENED???” over and over again in a panic. I remember I did NOT think this was an unmitigated disaster from which no good could come. I remember thinking more like “Aw, poor kid! This is rough. Well, the path to adulthood can be winding! So interested to see what they do from here!” Applying this attitude to Edward’s situation has been helpful.
I would really welcome more such discussion in the comments: Has something like this happened with your kid? Better yet: did it happen TO YOU, and you can give us insider insight??
I don’t have experience with this, but worries about something like this happening with my youngest keep me up at night because they have physical disabilities (mainly migraine) and mental health issues that can interfere with academic performance and it turns out in our school district if you have a medical excuse a lot is just let slide (like being out of school for whole month straight) and I don’t think college is like that. And they chose an academically demanding school we can just barely afford for 8 semesters with their significant merit aid. So it feels like there’s not much margin for error here.
So, all that is to say, I have no advice, but I do empathize. And I will read the comments with interest.
I’m sorry Edward has been so uncommunicative with you. That must make it feel worse. Did Elizabeth know?
We don’t think Elizabeth knows—or, if she does, she hasn’t mentioned it.
I have so much experience being this student. Sympathies to you and to Edward as you problem solve the next semester.
I will say that my small liberal arts college had amazing supports in place such that my issues were caught before the end of my first semester of college and I was well-supported by advising staff, residence hall staff, and my dorm mates in getting my act together academically.
What didn’t help was transferring to a different small liberal arts college in my second year that had very few such supports in place. I struggled mightily due to a combination of mental health issues and undiagnosed ADHD and only graduated thanks to the last ditch heroic efforts of the registrar in helping me petition get some of my lowest grades removed from my transcript due to said mental health issues.
Not sure if every college is the same but, I think once you get academic probation, you get the next semester to improve to a 2.0. If you don’t reach that, I think you might be dismissed. I don’t think they let you continue, even if you are ok with paying. That could answer that decision.
Also academic probation has an impact on the student loan you can obtain.
This just happened to my kid- not academic probation, but she still lost her big academic scholarship. We knew she had been having a rough time (some social stuff went very wrong with a group of friends that I had been worried about from the very beginning) but she assured us she was on it and would keep the scholarship. Once the grades came out she decided she didn’t want to go back at all. Thankfully she was accepted as a transfer at a local branch of our good state university, so she’s back living at home and thinks she will be happier.
I’m (very) sad it didn’t work out like we thought it would, but she’s very committed to and happy about the new path she’s on, and hopefully she can turn things around academically.
I don’t have advice but only came here to say WHAT THE HELL, PAUL?!
SAME. He’s enabling, not parenting. I’m 100% on your “huge reevaluation” side, given not only the failure to thrive but the deception about it, and no clear plans on how to fix it. But I very much hope that things turn around next semester and it works out happily for all!
So – my friend was in Edward’s boat once way back when. His dad let him LIVE AT SCHOOl the semester the college makes you not attend to “get your head straight”. Everyone thought it was a terrible idea – but for my friend, he said he felt like such a loser seeing everyone continue on their path to graduating he got great grades from the moment they let him back in school until graduation, still managing to grad on time!
Sometimes when there is a gulf between parental approaches it is because one (or both) of the parents can’t see the child’s needs or strengths through the lens of their own experiences. It’s helpful if the parents are BOTH introspective enough to untangle some of that.
This happened to my little brother! He failed out of college in his third semester, didn’t tell my parents or friends or girlfriend, and just…stayed there for the rest of the year.
The “WHAT HAPPENED?!?!?” was absolutely Clinical Depression (big fat C, big fat D). It did take everyone a while to figure out! He was his classic easygoing self, my parents especially thought it was classic adolescent laziness.
He lived at home and worked a terrible entry level help desk job, got a large pile of therapy and a large pile of medications, and then on his own after a year decided and figured out how to re-apply, expunge some records, get financial aid, and finished his Bachelor’s.
It is definitely a lifelong thing for him! It never would have been resolved without medication, no amount of Trying Harder.
There is hope, this is absolutely not the end of the world, but I agree with you SO HARD that sending him back is probably not going to go well. He is unlikely to qualify for a lot of scholarships for the remaining four years of his education, so you’re going to need that money for him later, not just now.
Wishing the best for Edward!
First, just know that I am standing with you in solidarity on the possible solutions divide:
“Paul’s first reaction was . . . . to be willing to cash in some of our retirement savings in order to continue to pay for the more-than-we-can-afford-because-of-the-presumably-lost-scholarship college tuition. I say like hell we do that.”
Indeed. Yet another part of learning to be an adult, Going To College phase, is learning that one of the consequences of your actions may be financial, and those financial consequences may have other consequences, and the person who takes the hit for that may be the person whose actions set off the chain.
I am currently dealing with a rising college senior who didn’t manage to get an internship this summer and didn’t want to go back to his gruntwork job from last summer and just generally had a case of the ButIDon’tWannas. I get it, child, I do, but also at some point the consequences from the things you don’t do because you don’t wanna start keeping you from getting the thing you do want. Step up sooner and eat that frog, if not first thing, early on, because subsequent frogs will be bigger and ickier.
Like, for example, having to get yourself out of academic probation or having to find a permanent, full-time job with virtually no employment history.
“Yet another part of learning to be an adult, Going To College phase, is learning that one of the consequences of your actions may be financial.”
AGREE SO MUCH.
Would not recommend dipping into retirement whatsoever.
This was my husband (and my brother, and several friends) and I have no magic solution, but I think pursuing the mental health angle is worthwhile. MAYBE important enough to insist on it before investing a lot in another semester that is theoretically going to be different for “reasons.”
Also, I would give Paul a really thorough listening about why he feels like this could be him, even if his grades were always fine. My husband’s favorite word was compartmentalization. My brain apparently did not come with compartments.
In my husband’s case, now that I know more about higher education I can kind of recognize that he was in a bad major. It looked good on paper…one that was offered only at his college with exciting sounding classes in the catalog. But the faculty who had created it had retired, there were very few students in it, and the handful of classes being offered to fulfill the requirements were genuinely repetitive.
It also might be good to find out how Edward is spending his time. If he’s on Discord with high school friends who don’t really ask him about school, that makes it a lot easier to compartmentalize than if he is making new friends in his major who are studying when he should be studying, comparing scores after tests, planning what to take next, etc together. For my brother, things really turned around once he switched from Computer Science into a major where there was more interaction between students, he got a campus job, and joined a sports team.
Also also…it is not kind to Edward to just spend money out of faith that he will do better next time without some reinforcement about what better is going to look like and verification that he is prepared to do that. That is what my husband’s parents did to him and it did not work at all.
This was me. I failed my first semester and lost my scholarship. I also … don’t know what happened. I was considered a pretty mature kid, but being on my own for the first time, not having anyone force me to go to class, it was too much. I just didn’t go. I wanted to drop one class but didn’t know how/was scared to do it, so I just … stopped going. Unsurprisingly, failed it.
I had social anxiety, and the thought of TALKING TO A PROFESSOR was just terrifying. So I just kind of avoided the whole situation until I couldn’t anymore. Didn’t say anything to my parents. I don’t think therapy would have helped. What did help was just knowing that I screwed up, knowing that my parents knew I screwed up, and this was my list chance. I did take out student loans, my parents didn’t pay for me, so that is slightly different than your situation.
With all that said … I agree with Paul. As long as Edward knows this is his last chance, I think another semester where he has more incentive to succeed (or he’s afraid to fail, whatever works) might be good for him. (I did end up changing majors, but I was back on track before then. I think if anyone had told me to switch majors I would have pushed back.)
He screwed up. He knows he screwed up. Now he has the chance to show you if he learned from his screw up.
Fwiw, I’m an intelligent, contributing member of society who makes good money, has a good job, and lives a good life. This has not affected me long term in any way whatsoever.
Me too. I’m in Australia and our system is different, but the first degree I went into after school (Town Planning… WHY would I have chosen that), I just failed heaps of stuff and then dropped out all together on the morning of my statistics exam. I didn’t study again for another 18 months (to my parent’s horror) then started a junior primary teaching degree. I loved that for a year until I did a placement and then I hated it. Then finally, when I was 21, I stated a 3rd degree (Social Health) and loved it and finished it well and have since had a great career. I wonder now if I just needed to be a bit older before I a) chose a path of study and b) committed myself to working hard at it.
This was me, 20+ years ago. I also probably couldn’t tell you what happened then. Looking back, I think it was a mix of a being in a major that wasn’t meant for me, the first taste of freedom/nobody forcing me to go to class and many exciting social opportunities. I cleaned it up after my first year. Hoping Edward can turn it around!
This was me 20 years ago and YC’s comment resonates with me.
The only difference was I did the bare minimum for 4 years then failed to graduate. It was a disaster but I told nobody, and to this day nobody knows. I don’t lie on CVs etc I just put nothing. Even now I can’t explain what was going through my head, it was as though I’d rather avoid confrontation in the short term and embrace failure in the long term. And yet I still value the time I spent there and I’m weirdly OK with it.
I felt safe and loved at college among friends so the thought of leaving was too scary, even though I had zero drive to do any academic work. I thought that if I quit I’d be in deep shit with my parents, and so being in deep shit at college was the easier choice. I probably helped that nobody cared at college how you were doing.
Early on I remember there were dropouts and people who switched majors – we always used to be worried about them but now I see that they took a brave decision and probably saved themselves a lot of misery.
Afterwards I lived in poverty in the attic of someone’s house for 2 years, barely getting by, but I did hone some unrelated-to-my-major skills at university and those in the end landed me an OK job. Now I do reasonably well and am very happy and healthy.
All I can say is please don’t be too hard on your kid, and I remember when I was that age it was basically drilled into me that I had to have a huge plan for life and have all my shit figured out, so I became really good at pretending that was the case even though I felt completely directionless.
Today I still feel directionless, I don’t really have any goals left in life that I haven’t reached, but I’m old enough now to embrace the uncertainty and worry less about what people think of me.
Oh, what a hard situation for all concerned. I just finished my 12th year as a college professor and have seen many students navigate this situation. Students on academic probation often feel a real hit to their pride and may offer face-saving explanations as they grapple with their academic status. Here are some of the common causes that I’ve seen. None of this is intended to blame students – we are all just people doing the best we can in tough circumstances.
1. Medical situations. College students are often managing their health and medical conditions on their own for the first time. It’s a learning curve (I learned to manage a chronic illness in college, though not as severe as Edward’s), and things like missing a dose of meds or not getting enough sleep/food can cause flares/illness that lead students to miss a lot of class. Has Edward talked about how it is going to manage his health condition at college? Would medical accommodations help him? This applies to mental health as well, and many mental health conditions manifest in early adulthood. Could Edward see his doctor and undergo a screening for depression/anxiety? Does the college have mental health resources, not just in-person counseling but access to online counseling that may have shorter wait times?
2. Respecting the workload. Students who could easily pass high school classes or finish high school homework in homeroom can struggle to adjust to college. Some college classes grade solely on a few exams, so students who don’t study regularly are often shocked by their exam performance and have few opportunities to improve. This is not a great teaching practice but it persists (…). It’s a real blow to a student’s self-image to go from the smartest kid who never had to study to the student getting D’s. Every time we start a new school or a new job, there’s a process of discernment to figure out what past strategies will still work and what new strategies you will need to learn for this new stage/environment. The strategies here are often around humility and a willingness to learn study techniques and time management.
3. Remote learning during the pandemic. This next part is observation, not blame. Today’s students are amazing, intelligent people with tremendous potential and rich life-experiences. They just went to high school under incredibly difficult circumstances. Similarly, teachers did our best during the pandemic.
A lot of schools at all levels cut back on schoolwork during the pandemic, for good reason – my college did too. But now, many students did not get the academic foundation in high school that college professors assume. For example, first-year college students in 2023-2024 were in 10th grade during the heart of the pandemic, and 10th grade is often when they learn algebra/trig and chemistry. Last year my college students struggled in a way that I’ve never seen, and I’ve heard comparable stories from friends at other colleges. Teachers need to meet students where they are and offer support, but this is new territory for many colleges. Going SAT/ACT optional also means that many students did not review foundational math skills for standardized tests, so foundational math is not fresh in their minds and that makes STEM courses much harder.
Similarly, many students missed opportunities like summer jobs and extracurricular activities that help teach the “soft skills” you mentioned in your post, like dealing with annoying roommates. In general, many life skills like making phone calls, sending emails, and going to social events seem harder for today’s cohort of college students as compared to students in 2012.
4. Social considerations- has Edward found a community at college? Absence of community is isolating and can lead to depression/anxiety. On the other extreme, a friend group that is full of drama can suck up a lot of time. Social extremes are difficult. How is the department where Edward wants to major? Are there professors he likes who could be resources? Is the major he wanted in high school still a good fit now that he is in college? Are there research opportunities? Some students struggle in the classroom but thrive in the lab/research, and that feeling of competence and belonging can help students with their studies.
Does Edward’s college have any academic counselors/advisors who are helping him? If so, is Edward taking advantage of that opportunity? Are there peer counselors or RAs who could talk with Edward and share stories of recovering from academic probation? Some students benefit by “getting back on the horse” and returning to college, and others benefit from time away to deal with medical issues or take classes at local community colleges to build their confidence before returning to a four-year college. Every student and every family is different.
Sending so much support to all of you. Take good care. (And goodness this is long – verbosity is an occupational hazard, I suppose)
But this is REALLY helpful, thank you! My oldest are HS seniors and I have no clue what’s going to happen, and I was at college a million years ago so I need to adjust my mindset.
This is such a wonderfully thought-out, empathetic, helpful response! Thank you for taking the time to write it.
As a college professor— all this is right on the nose. One more thought: did Edward have a first-year seminar with an advisor or professor he formed a relationship with? Could he go to that person to help him navigate academic probation, like set up meetings every few weeks or check in by email regularly? If he didn’t have such a class, maybe his favorite professor in his major would help. I would 100% do this.
I’ve been a college prof too for 14 years now and yes, yes to all of this.
I also wanted to say it’s so great that you get it! It: “Part of Going To College is slogging away at some classes you don’t want to take and classes you find boring/repetitive, and/or finding ways to get more out of them, and/or doing such stellar work that the professor notices and asks you to be a teaching assistant. That is PART OF IT.”
This is a huge challenge for some students, especially at liberal arts schools. Keep on working with this wise message once you find the hold up.
Also a college professor – yes to all of this!
I’ll also add, my motto for students might as well be “turn something in.” Just, Turn Something In! I might wail and gnash my teeth in private about how it isn’t what I wanted or wasn’t great, but even if it’s off the mark, it will be Points In The Grade Book, and the student will PASS THE CLASS. Nothing submitted, however, equals no points and no pass. So, TURN SOMETHING IN.
I’ll also add, what I’m seeing is that students these days – even bright, high-achieving students – are being taught NO executive functioning or study skills, much less being given opportunities to practice them. They have no idea how to keep up with assignments and due dates because they got texts/notifications doing it for them. They have no idea how to take notes, because they were handed printouts of the notes. They don’t know how to convert computer file types or organize their saved files, because they did everything on a Chromebook. They don’t know how to follow a syllabus – or that they should – because they were never given a syllabus. And they don’t even necessarily know that these skills exist, so they might be left baffled as to what they’re missing because they don’t know what they don’t know (and can’t know what they’re not taught!). So, while this def would have been more feasible in May than July (sigh), looking into resources to shore up executive functioning and study skills might be a possible intervention that could help. (Or maybe your schools are excellent! I def don’t think we live in the same region. But maybe this would help someone else, then. Things we take for granted as part of How Life Works, this generation doesn’t even know exists.)
God, this is so true. Also, they don’t really know how to read for content, so, even if they have been given syllabi in high school, they can’t/won’t read the college ones.
I can only think that high schools are so overwhelmed with mental health/physical safety issues that they have no bandwith left to teach executive functioning skills or study skills.
Oof, I am so sorry you are all dealing with this. Ugh. I do not have directly relevant experience, but I do work and have worked in several colleges/universities that cost a fortune (in tuition) and know that at least at these institutions there is a LOT of support available to students (and quite possibly, albeit only in a hand-holding sense — FERPA and all that, to parents. See also below.) who find themselves in difficult/undesirable situations.
So perhaps this is true for Edward? And while a lot of this is on him, I’m entirely sure that the school can give you 100% of the information about what they offer in this space, even if they cannot tell you what use he makes of it or its impacts.
And while some of that privacy may be (surely is, e.g. mental health angle) appropriate, some of it (e.g. academic effort and performance information to parents who are paying tuition) may not be in all cases. I’m 99.9% sure that Edward can waive his FERPA rights and give you access to some or all of his academic record. Perhaps that would be a useful qualifier in the “conditions being imposed as you return for the upcoming semester” issued by you and Paul, i.e., insist that Edward do that?
I honestly don’t know whether the “better” answer is to send him back for another semester or not but think it’s at least possible that it is a good choice, so will not weigh in on that. I wish all of you sanity and success as you navigate this.
We are all about autonomy at my home, but if I’m paying for school I’m insisting on seeing grades.
We are all about autonomy, even things we pay for, but in an innocent-unti-proven-guilty way. If you end up on academic probation after not even telling us there were problems, it’s FERPA waiver time.
I knew a guy in college who flunked a winter quarter because he was skiing too much to get his coursework done. Somehow, he and his mother hid this from his father. He eventually graduated and went to grad school and started a career in his chosen field. I did much better in undergrad, got two master’s degrees, and then never really started a career due to a combination of the recession, poor job search skills, then becoming a parent. All this to say, current behavior is not necessarily a reliable predictor of future prospects.
Also, is it you, or Paul, who mostly handles the kids and their college choices/situations/bills? I’m guessing it’s you. That should influence who gets to decide when a Decision needs to be made. You’ve mentioned that you and Paul are conflict avoiders, and it sounds like he is hoping this will blow over after one semester. If it doesn’t will he really agree with you to pull Edward out?
I worked for many years in academic support at various universities. This is so common (both Edward’s experience and your reaction). A couple of pro tips:
1. It is very likely that Edward will be required to achieve a specific GPA within one semester to be allowed to continue at the university. This specific GPA goal is often based on the number of credits earned, rather than just a blanket 2.0 requirement or similar. You should be able to find this policy in the university’s academic catalog on their website. It should also have been clearly communicated to Edward directly, along with any other requirements of his probation.
2. The quickest way to improve GPA is to retake classes with low or failing grades. The new GPA score will replace (vs. average, which is a common misconception) the old GPA score in the calculation, so a GPA can recover quickly with retaking. That being said, students often resist this because its boring/overwhelming/frustrating to retake classes they didn’t do well in. And, sometimes there are scheduling complications (are there avialable seats in the classes he would need to retake? Is the class he needs offered in the upcoming semester?), but retaking 2 or 3 classes will greatly assist in GPA recovery.
3. Please encourage Edward to take advantage of any academic support servies available (e.g., accountability meetings with academic counselor or advisor, academic skills course) that are recommended or required as part of the probation. The professionals in this field absolulely love coming alongside students to help them succeed.
4. What the hell, Paul? (accountability is a good idea)
This happened to my brother in his first year of college. He is very smart, was also bored by his easy required classes, and just didn’t bother to go to them. His school made him take a semester off. So he came home and lived at home and worked at a gas station for a semester, and then went back with a new and improved attitude to doing coursework that he felt was unnecessary. So something like this can be just the reality check/wake up call that a kid needs. I hope it works out that way for Edward!
My brother also had a similar experience. He sounds cut from a similar cloth- very bright, bored, and what turned out to be a mental health crisis.
He did NOT get a semester off at any point- even going all the way back to when he wanted to do a gap year after high school but my parents said no (which they now regret). Ten years on, I wouldn’t consider the situation resolved and in fact the resulting shame and bad feelings around all of it have only gotten worse.
Whether it’s after “one last semester to prove himself” (which definitely has the potential to imbue Edward with trust and confidence that he can turn things around!) or not, I think that the chance to get off the treadmill and re-evaluate, reprioritize, take the time to heal any underlying mental health conditions, etc. would be greatly helpful, especially if things don’t improve right away.
I don’t have meaningful advice or experience to share (first kid graduates high school this year) but I would like to say a huge thank you for opening up about this. My least favorite thing about parenting teens is the lack of available community support. All our kids are going through things, making dumb decisions and struggling in different ways but most parents I k ow don’t share about it because of privacy/shame concerns. I’m not saying we need to put our kids on blast but it is so helpful to tap into the hive mind and get support and suggestions! Bookmarking this post for reference purposes down the road….
I second this wholeheartedly! My oldest are HS seniors and I am so very lost, so I really appreciate hearing from everyone.
University administrator chiming in here: I know I am coming at this from a different viewpoint than you wanted, but having been in higher ed administration for 15 years (at different schools), I have some thoughts.
If you were to look at the data, most first year students who end up on Academic Probation/Suspension at the end of the year do NOT have success returning to that institution the next semester. There are lots of reasons for this, but I encourage you to find some info and re-think the plan.
Many institutions, but not all, have interventions in place to mitigate these situations. It sounds like maybe Edward’s school does not, but usually there are systems where faculty can refer students who are struggling academically, mentally, physically, emotionally and then the appropriate office does outreach. I am going to assume that Edward did not sign the FERPA release for you and/or Paul to have access to his student info. If he did not, no one at the university can legally speak with you about him unless he is also physically present. In most situations, I do not recommend students sign away their right to educational privacy, but in situations like this one, I suggest it. You will be able to talk to people at his school about interventions/options/etc. I am not talking about you going into his student portal and checking his daily work, or you reaching out to his faculty (these scenarios are so not my impression of how you parent, by the way); but you can talk to Counseling, the Health Center, his advisor, offices that do tutoring, etc.
For what it is worth, I strongly suggest you go with your initial plan for this fall: Edward lives at home and goes to a local community college to re-take whichever classes require it. Make sure you check with the University Registrar about whether or not these re-takes can even be transferred back in to his school, should he decide to return. Some schools have a policy where outside classes cannot be used in circumstances like this. If he can’t re-take the courses he did poorly in, he can at least take General Education courses locally that he should be able to use at another school.
Some students are just not ready. They don’t realize how dire the situation is until grades are posted, and then they don’t know what to do. The transition from high school to college is difficult, which is why most schools have so many resources for first year students. It may be that Edward needs to go to a different school. He may want a fresh start, especially since his cohort is going to be at a different level than him as a result of his probation.
I am sorry that Edward is in this position, and I am sorry that you just learned about it. I hope my 2 cents are helpful.
Also a college professor/administrator here, and I 100% agree with all of this.
My oldest kid had a very difficult 10th and 11th grade year (pandemic, mental health), and went to community college first for a semester, got his feet under him, worked a part time job on the weekends, then transferred to preferred university. He’s doing great with purpose and dedication.
I see students at my institution in this situation, and I work A LOT with first year students. I see a lot of success with students who go to community college for one or more semesters, take general education courses, retake courses if they will transfer back, and still get the support of being at home in a familiar environment. I highly recommend the community college for this fall (and possibility also the spring.)
There are so many pathways, and it’s not the same as high school: students come in and out, start in the spring or fall, take a semester off, etc. It won’t be weird for him to transfer to a local community college for a semester or more. And, at least with my son’s situation, he was in very small classes with great, inspiring, and kind professors at community college who saw his potential and encouraged him.
Yes this “I strongly suggest you go with your initial plan for this fall: Edward lives at home and goes to a local community college to re-take whichever classes require it. ”
Former professor married to someone who’s still a professor, here to agree with every word of this.
Thought experiment: your friend just got fired from a job. They have another one of the exact same job lined up, starting next month. They can’t tell you what went wrong, they don’t have a plan for what they’ll do differently, but they’re sure it will be FINE.
Have they sorted themselves out? Have they honestly assessed their mistakes and shown they can do differently? No, its only been like a month and a half since they got fired.
Now ask yourself: Are they going to get fired again?
Yeah, but your thought experiment analogy is completely borked. This ISN’T like getting fired: this is like, in the first year of your very first job, being called into the boss’s office; things haven’t been going well, so for the next three months you’re on a probationary plan and will need to meet weekly with your manager to make sure you’re staying on task and able to complete your goals (implication: or else). And this ISN’T like turning right around and getting another of the exact same job with no adjustments to anything: it’s like wanting to stay on awhile longer at the current job to see if things improve using the adjustments included in the probationary period, or if it’s just not a good fit after all.
I don’t have any personal experience to share, but I’ve worked at colleges/universities most of my career and this is a fairly common experience for first-year freshmen. Katherine and Alexicographer have already provided a lot of great information. I will second that Edward may be able to waive the FERPA block on his academic record; however, depending on the school there may not be much available until final end-of-term grades are in, which is of course too late to be useful. I do wonder if this was a surprise to Edward as well, or if he knew how badly things had gone. College can require a lot more self-monitoring than high school – looking up your own grades on whatever platform the school uses for that, reading all the emails sent to you by the college such as those informing you of impending probation. Was Edward engaged enough to be doing those things, or was he somewhat checked out/not paying attention?
I am sorry you’re going through this and sincerely hope you are able to come up with a good solution for this fall semester and into the future. Also, just wanted to note how much the mental health care situation stinks in our country. The wait times you mentioned (intake appointment in November schedule in March) are typical in my city as well, and it is just horrible for people who are in distress.
Nothing helpful to add – my oldest ended up needing a gap year after a tough freshman year – but I would remind Paul that you CAN take out loans for college; you canNOT take out loans for retirement.
Just came to second this. Look Paul in the eye, gently but firmly grasp him by the hand, and tell him that you can’t take out loans for retirement! DO NOT TOUCH THAT MONEY.
… is there an available older not-parent-but-reliable cousin/uncle/former-high-school-teacher/adviser/something who Edward might be willing to talk things through with? If he legitimately does not know where the bad grades came from – if he doesn’t know about, for instance, syllabus stuff about grade breakdowns, and late-work policies for assignments, and attendance-is-not-enough, then having someone who is not you and who can hopefully keep a straight face might be useful in pointing out where the gaps were.
I will say I was 100% caught flat-footed a couple of times in college by the fact that class attendance and a very light skim-reading of the textbook was *finally* not enough to get straight As with; it is stinkin’ *hard* for smart kids to learn study skills, esp. if they have been exposed to the “oh, yeah, resources exist to help *struggling* students but *you* could never be one of *them*” gifted-child mindset. (did I *know better* intellectually? YES. I had been an English tutor at a community college and we could help *literally everyone* improve their written work. Did *I* ever think *I* could ask for help? NO. Did I judge students for coming in? NO [aside from “well, you’re pretty smart to come in and get a boost without your professor forcing you to do it!” and all the more so for students who were not actually failing]. Did I still think it would be an embarrassment and shameful for *me* to seek help? YES.)(well. also. social anxiety, probably. It is hard to consider entering a room for help/tutoring, having no idea what the norms and unwritten rules are and what things will be looked on with scorn/not-scorn; for instance, with calculus, if you are stuck on a particular homework problem, can you bring the problem, or do you need to find a different problem of the same type somehow despite not entirely knowing what you’re looking at, or can you bring the problem and *they’ll* find a different problem of the same type, etc. I *absolutely* could not have identified or articulated this reason for avoidance at the time, but would likely have recognized it if someone had described the unpleasantness of Not Knowing What To Do and/or Not Knowing What’s Expected. Also this is often amenable to being fixed by the buddy system and/or low-key not-session intros to the Help Spaces that at least let you see what is going on inside this room.)
And with roommates, you don’t know what you don’t know, about what viable options there are and what is normal to put up with and abnormal to put up with and what objections-to-roommate-practices or workarounds will be received with Scorn by your friend group, etc. You have minimal useful informational context about any of the things and also you don’t know what you don’t know (and the male/female norm divide for dorm habitation is… substantial… so Elizabeth would likely not be useful for that aspect even if he had no embarrassment about her/asking her).
Anyway. Poor dude. Poor Swistle. He can *very definitely* Succeed Big Time from here, but he may not be convinced of that yet and may be vigorously ostriching on the “if I pretend things are fine, then I don’t have to face down what looks like failure” aspect. (also being sick/getting sick may have gotten him behind far enough on something that he didn’t know how to get out of the hole; making plans for getting out of the hole and talking with the grownups [the professor, some of whom suck; advisers and tutors and maybe parents] is a useful life skill, though.)
I will say that talking to professors/TAs sometimes SUCKS; if they have scorn for anyone who can’t understand This Simple Concept or if they’re just jerks. But also getting that practice in is useful, and lots of them *don’t* suck. (I had one that sucked, and in retrospect I should have reported him and what he had done [he made up homework grades to match student test scores instead of transferring the *actual* homework grades into the system] to the administration, but again: I did not know what I did not know.)
(but *definitely* make sure he knows where to find syllabi and how to find out what is what, grade-wise, from them. Professors are often more lenient if you talk to them about difficulties, but that also gives you a “where are they starting in terms of what they do about work turned in late?” ballpark. ALSO if there are classes where everything’s due at the end, it is imperative to NOT do things just before the deadline, and some people are absolutely just not equipped to really know how to do anything other than procrastinated right-before-it’s-due work when it is not-fun work [*waves hands frantically, this is/was me!*], and those people often got straight As in high school but will need more tools in their toolbox for college *and work environments* and it is good to get those tools in there. There are options! But if you do not have a bag full of executive function tricks and an understanding that it is *FINE* to need to use tools, then things are… harder, we’ll say.)
Excellent points throughout!
Re: kids who have excelled consistently K-12 (super smart, gifted) and have no idea how to study or ask for help. I have encountered this sense of shame personally and see it a lot in my students and my own (starting college this fall) kiddo. :-(
Also great reminder that talking to a professor/TA can be very daunting. Not all are interested in relationship building or student success. Hopefully those are the exception and not the rule. Even finding ONE professor he feels comfortable talking to can make a difference when approaching others.
College is HARD. I remind my students at the end of the first semester (and my friends every time one of them has a kiddo coming home) that this is a backward transition period. Everyone needs to be extra patient and open minded, and the parent-child dynamic is drastically different.
I read the first two lines of this and had to close the window.
I will return and read the rest, perhaps things look up, but it was too much to read “did not tell us” without panicking.
It’s possible my emotional reserves aren’t doing too well when the situation of a child I DO NOT ACTUALLY KNOW is so upsetting!
A lot of what has already been shared by others who work in colleges in great advice. I am also a college professor, and I had advised many students over the years in similar situations. For some of the courses I teach, I have to sign off on a student repeating the course before they are allowed to register. In these situations, I sit down with students to do a debrief of their first attempt and try to get to the bottom of what went wrong. Did they lack the time to complete the work? Did they struggle with the content? Did they procrastinate too much? Were the instructor’s expectations unclear? Did mental health challenges play a role? Once we identify the problems, we discuss how they could improve on a repeated attempt – every case is different. Sometimes the student concludes that they need more time to resolve personal problems (mental health, childcare, work schedules, grief, etc) before repeating. In other cases, we talk about study habits, utilizing tutoring, improving communication with the instructor, accessing other support program on campus, etc.
I try to approach these conversations with my students non-judgementally as many of my students truly have a complex set of personal circumstances and the transition to college can be a shock (especially for students who breezed by in high school courses). But unless students are willing to wrestle with the reasons for the failed attempt and make a real plan to change their approach, it is unlikely they will be successful upon repeating the course. If it were my kid and I were paying for their education, I would want a lot more answers before I sent them back.
Much of what I say will echo what Jane, Katherine, and Alexicographer write above,. As a college teacher, students get over whelmed, bored, confused, lonely, and they think no one will understand or be able to help them. They seem to think it’s all supposed to be easy and if they’re not doing well, there is no hope. And I do have some students who are completely delusional about the amount of work they’re actually putting in, how much last minute efforts with pay off, and the typical mistakes college students make. I would suggest he have some sort of regular meeting with a counselor/ student – my college called them academic coaches – who aren’t tutors but help setup and maintain a good time management calendar and follow through that things get done. We have counselors for mental health support, there are student support groups, and there are even telehealth visits. This is on top of the academic tutors, the specialists who work with setting up accommodations, determining what path forward might be best for success, etc. So if your son is to go back to expensive school, he really needs to get set up with their academic resources like this – and as a student on probation, probably has to be. He can also sign a paper to waive FERPA restrictions, so you could contact the professional there and get answers. (I had one student sign them away so his mom could talk to me about his poor grades and lack of progress. It probably didn’t help much, but at least the mom had the full story and was not blindsided about why her bright son was failing.)
I think if he could take a leave of absence from expensive school, and spend a semester at home working or taking a class or two while figuring out what went wrong and what can be done better in the future, he’s be better off.
As a parent, I’ve had something similar happen, which is ironic as both my husband and I are teachers and you’d think we’d know the signs. One of my children, during his senior year of HS, calculated how much his GPA would take a hit if he did not hand in the major final paper in big important class. And it wouldn’t change his ranking, so he just didn’t do it. So I was all happy and went through graduation and then got the report card to see a D. The betrayal I felt was extreme, and it took me a long time to get over it. He could have lost his academic scholarship to awesome university. Why his teacher did not contact me – given this was high school – I do not know. I was undergoing a medical crisis at the time so I wasn’t paying attention to his grades until graduation. Off he goes to college, and he keeps saying everything is fine. Then this bright young man comes home after a semester of college with a D and other weak grades. I think he was just so used to cruising at school, and then he realized he didn’t really like comp sci, that he did the minimal effort. He’s too smart to be sensible, and not a genius to get away with it. He went onto have a fine school career in a different major and a fun minor, so I guess he learned and moved on. But the horrible feeling of how he could have lost those scholarships, and why he didn’t tell us he didn’t like comp sci gnaw at me a little even now.
I think approaching it as if it happened to a neighbor is sensible, except for spending huge quantities of money on an education when you’re not sure he’s going to follow through. Don’t touch the retirement account – a student loan will make him have skin in the game. I hope it works out.
I’m so appreciative of this post and the responses. My son is a rising HS sophomore – he’s very bright but struggles with ADHD, ASD, Crohn’s disease, and a phobia of insects which interferes with a wide swath of his life. I’ve known for a while that his post-high-school journey will not be typical, but even knowing that, I worry about exactly these issues. It’s helpful to hear other people’s stories and perspectives.
This happened to my brother and my brother-in-law.
For my brother, my parents made him come home after his first year and go to community college. He did that, got his grades up, and went back to college again for his junior and senior year and did well. I think he was pretty depressed/lonely his first year, didn’t like going to a small school, and just had a hard transition. We did all know he was struggling though—it wasn’t a shock for my parents or anything. He switched to a large public university for the last two years, and loved it. He made good friends and had a really good experience. He went on to get his Masters as well.
My brother-in-law…different story, unfortunately. He is very academically inclined and could probably have done just about anything. He tried three other times to return to different colleges, but each time was crippled by anxiety and failed out/dropped out. He has never overcome his anxiety and it has pretty much crippled him from achieving anything he has wanted in his life (education, career, relationships).
So my .02 is to try community college for a year and then give it another go. Address any mental health issues. Medication alone is not enough—my BIL has been on anxiety medication for 20+ years, but clearly would benefit greatly from some good therapy. Cognitive behavioral therapy is great. Do NOT keep sinking money into something that’s not working, especially if he CAN’T verbalize what the problem is! How can you fix what you’re not addressing? And do NOT let him take out huge loans for college! My husband was absolutely drowning in school loans and it took us a long time to pay them off, and I was very bitter about it. Ha.
Good luck to him! It will all be okay! There is a great book that I once read but now cannot for the life of me remember the title. But it’s basically about how some kids are “late bloomers” (i.e. typically boys, typically late teens/early-mid twenties), but if you can support them through that in a healthy way they will blossom and find their way and their meandering path can actually be a huge blessing in what they end up doing in life!
My input on this comes from being a college professor for more than 15 years and also with observing my brother flounder through college some years ago. In sum: I agree with everything Katherine says about what probably happened, and everything Jane says about what should happen now. Bright, capable students fail classes all the time because they claim/feel/think the classes are too easy to concentrate on and therefore they don’t bother to turn in the work. There are, as Katherine says, all kinds of supports there for floundering students, but first the student has to admit they need help and decide that they want to do better (this doesn’t sound quite like Edward’s stance, yet). And students on academic probation after the first year often need a change of scene/some time to mature before things improve. They don’t often do well in the same setting, especially if they have no idea what happened.
Therefore, I would strongly recommend that you talk with Paul again and re-evaluate this plan. Repeating the classes at community college or somewhere else nearby is much more sensible than giving your retirement money to the same college again. Also, perhaps Edward needs some support with taking care of his physical and mental health which is more likely to happen when he is at home or closer to you at least. Would Paul listen to the advice of professionals in other situations? If it involved a flood in the basement or his car? Then he probably should here; Jane laid out the case very well, imho.
On a note of hope, my brother dropped out of college twice and got his degree with honors from that same college when he was 30. He is now quite a bit more financially successful than I am–computer science vs. history degree. It was a rough road and my parents were not very good at figuring out what to do, and he also, to be fair, spent most of his time hiding it from them. But it worked out well in the end.
Whatever you decide, good luck to Edward and you! It’s a tough situation, but it’s not anywhere near irretrievable.
Another former higher ed person here, agree with what others have said (especially about waiving FERPA and working with an academic advisor to plot out what community college coursework could be transferable). I too saw many bright students flailing. In some cases they wasted tons of money and time and self-worth hanging in there, and eventually graduating by the skin of their teeth after many extra semesters. Others took off a semester (or more) and came back restored and ready to thrive. Highly, highly recommend this option when feasible. Two additional points: 1) make sure you and Edward pay attention to the add/drop deadline. If a course is going poorly, and a passing grade is not looking likely, you can probably recoup some of the cost if the course is dropped in time. 2) I worked in college career development for many years and can attest that employers really don’t care much about GPA after graduation, especially in tech-related fields. Unless he wants to go to grad/med/law school or get a job in a super high-profile company, he can just leave his GPA off his resume and most employers won’t care. The extra curriculars and internship experience is WAY more important. Hang in there!
My oldest did great her first semester and then miserably failed her second. But she told us immediately. She had to basically re-take three classes over the summer, at full tuition and then her scholarship was reinstated for the following fall. Part of the agreement was that she needed to give us portal access to her grades, so we could look at them in real time, and that she start the process to get counseling. Well, she did that and above. She took it upon herself to get evaluated and wound up with a diagnosis that lead to extra tutoring and assistance for her classes. She’s now in an accelerated nursing program and thriving. It can be turned around, it will just take a LOT of work on your student’s behalf, and if they aren’t willing to put in the work, they need to consider other options like getting a full time job and taking community college classes while living at home.
Hi Swistle,
I don’t have a college story to share but am wondering if Edward’s Crohn’s could have been a contributing factor? I know he’s regularly getting treatment and maybe is in remission (I actually don’t know this for sure), but I know first-hand debilitating fatigue can be a symptom of Crohn’s. Does he seem low energy or anything like that? It is a chronic condition and maybe it’s something that can be accommodated further if needed?
This happened to my family. The kid left the college for two semesters, took the necessary classes at a MUCH less expensive community college, went back to the original college, graduated and is a highly successful professional now. Regular conversations specifically about grades, classes, etc were required before they were allowed the privilege of living away at college.
DO NOT sacrifice your retirement funds.
Two anecdotes to share:
(1) Best friend failed his first year of college. He was counseled by the Dean to take time off and reevaluate. He was too proud. He went back to second year, failed again, and was kicked out. Decades later with no degree but school loans, mortgage, car loans, and now kids – it’s only compounded. He needed stability and mental health help. He’s very intelligent. He could have made it with the right support and environment.
(2) Sister in law. In laws showed up for a visit (they were alums), professors said they hadn’t seen her in months. She had dropped out while they continued to pay tuition. Again, a lot of mental health issues. She ended up doing a year at a community college and then got a bachelors from a completely different institution (one that was a much better fit for her personality).
Respectfully, I can’t see going another semester fixing whatever happened here. Whether it’s maturity, mental health, or physical health, coming home where there’s familiarity and support, doing community college to get grades up, seeing a counselor, and reevaluating what he wants in a university would be the route I’d go.
Questions:
Have you point blank asked Edward – “What will be different for this semester versus the last 2?” Maybe he could sit in his room and write a list if talking/discussion on the spot is too anxiety provoking.
What is his roommate situation for the fall?
Did he sign up for mental health counseling with the schools student health for next semester?
Is he intent on keeping the same major? Wondering if he doesn’t actually like it but if he’s going for whatever Paul’s doing doesn’t want to admit it (even to himself).
Do the Remicade appointments cause him to miss any classes? The school would probably work with you on that if so (let him sit in on a different section, 1:1 meeting with a TA or professor, tutor).
Does he actually like this school/have friends? Or did he just go because Elizabeth was going? Maybe it’s really not a fit.
I had a very hard time at college – serious clinical depression, first generation college student. I was lost and the place was not a good fit for me. I wish I would have transferred.
Oh, I’m so sorry. I assume Edward must have spent the summer knowing that this had happened and that the jig would be up eventually? That sounds just miserable. And of course awful for you in a different way to be the one who finds out out of the blue. I don’t have any personal experience to share (just personal experience of how bad it feels to feel incapable of dealing with a situation, leading to the situation getting exponentially worse and more impossible to face…maybe I’m over identifying, here) but it did remind me of a This American Life episode I just listened to: https://www.thisamericanlife.org/552/transcript. The boy in that story seemed to fully turn things around, and it might be interesting.
This was my middle son. My husband and I were both good students, and I got so much of my identity from my grades. I could not understand how this child didn’t care. He’s super smart and barely graduated high school. Went to collage to major in chemistry. I did not even know academic probation was a thing, and he was on it twice. It lit a fire under him, and he did graduate, in five years. And now he’s got a job with the state that he loves, super specialized, in his field, and they love him and keep promoting him and sending him to conferences to learn things to teach his co-workers. He has ADD, I think that was part of it, and he just had to get to the point where he cared. It sure wasn’t me yelling that did anything to change things. He just finally grew up.
Hang in there, I know how hard this is. He will figure it out. My youngest had to drop out due to severe anxiety, went to our local community college, got into our excellent state school and graduated almost on time. And is now working in a job that has nothing to do with her major. They all have a different path. Being a parent of adult children is not for the weak of heart.
I’m so sorry.
In my experience, college kids with good mental health who are neurotypical actually love classes that are “too easy.” I had a neurotypical roommate and friends, and they did the work quickly and cashed those points in. They looked at those as easy As and they were right to do so!
I was not mentally in a good place (a close family member had died of a longish time illness shortly before the college transition) and I was also undiagnosed neurodivergent. So, I didn’t want to pay attention in easy classes/classes that didn’t have a topic of special interest, and I did not have the executive functioning skills to knuckle down and study for harder classes. My GPA took a hit, where I wasn’t on academic probation but I did get notice that I was in danger of losing my special spot and some cash. I was able to be strategic with the classes I took next and claw my way up, kept my scholarships, and ended up graduating with honors. I work in a directly related field.
Leaving that college would not have been the right choice for me. I knew I had a big problem on my hands and I took the steps to correct it without my parents getting involved. A little later than I should have, but I independently got tutoring, found new studying strategies, changed my study course to avoid a subject I wasn’t cut out for, etc. I adore where I went to school… I think my drive to stay there was a big part of my ability to course correct and right my wrongs.
If I hadn’t been self-motivated to fix it, or if I had let it go too far and lost scholarships, or if my parents would have had to step in, I 100% should have left and gone somewhere else to figure it out.
Hang in there! We adore our internet Swistle.
Oh! Also, it’s FASCINATING, Paul’s reaction.
Ah, this happened to me — I failed a couple of courses, went on academic probation, and lost my academic scholarship. I think it was partly due to me having a very structured home life, and no such structures at college — and this doesn’t mean that I partied a lot, more that I forgot to eat and sleep consistently.
I went back the next year, figured it out, and eventually graduated like one semester late with a decent GPA. This is coming up on twenty years ago, so things may be different now.
I think what helped was honestly partly moving off campus with a better roommate and my own food and my own room — and also having a year living independently under my belt. Also navigating the bureaucratic challenges of retaking classes and academic probation was a big way to grow up and a big way to incentivize not letting it happen again. I don’t know, I was eighteen, I feel like flunking a bunch of calculus courses and learning to fly right were both extremely likely options.
This was my brother, and honestly could have been me. We were both undiagnosed autistic then, and he’s also ADHD, so that did not help.
What happened with my brother: dropped out of culinary school, worked for a year at a grocery store, went to community college while working full time at the store. Got his associates and then his bachelors at a local university (still working full time – turns out that worked much better for him. He likes a lot of autonomy and I think needed to feel like he was in charge of his life). He now does IT for a school district.
What happened to me: terrible sleep habits plus executive functioning challenges. I wanted to do EVERYTHING but high school me had just plodded through with no sleep and no real ability/need to prioritize and college required much more sophisticated time management (and basic self-care). But I had the privilege and luck to be attending an elite school that doesn’t offer academic scholarships and also… doesn’t have real grades? And any classes dropped just didn’t appear on my transcript. So I got creative with dropping classes and taking courses pass/fail and I scraaaaped by for 2 semesters and my parents still have no idea how close I came to flunking out.
Anyway, both of us are fine now, although late-diagnosed neurodivergence is kicking our asses in other ways.
You and Edward will all get through this. But I am fully on board with your one-semester limit.
My husband went to college right after high school and he was miserable. He ended up dropping out, maybe 2/3 of the way toward an associates degree, and got a job as a junior software developer. He built a successful career over 15 years before deciding he wanted to go back to school, and then he did, transferring what credits he could, and graduating from a really great school in 3 years. And then he used what he had learned to start a business!. He was definitely not ready for college the first time around but it was a great experience later.
I hope you are seeing here that much like menopause, lots of people go through it but few talk about it. It’s embarrassing and feels private, so we keep it to ourselves. But look at how many fellow parents here have gone through something similar ourselves or with our own child!
My older daughter failed a class her junior year, and I was so upset. Failed! Horror! It was a class in which she had needed help but didn’t ask. We set a rule that one more failed class and the parental help would be turned off, and she did fine after that.
Best of luck to you and I hope you are gaining comfort from your community here!
I want to echo the gratitude from others for sharing. With teenage kids, this discussion is so very relevant to me. There’s so much great info and advice here that I’m lapping up!
My two cents is that a redirection is needed – not going back to the same school for a repeat of the situation – especially if Edward can’t identify a fixable problem that was the cause after TWO semesters of classes not going well. It will put a financial burden and extra stress on him to take on loans for something he is already struggling with. And yea, don’t throw away your retirement money on tuition!
As others mentioned, Edward will have lots of chances to find his path! Eighteen is a young age to be on one’s own and people differ wildly in maturity and capacity at that age. Some aren’t ready for college right after high school. My younger sister also floundered her freshman year at a college away from home and is now a very successful medical professional working in a specialty field. After her first semester she moved back home, got a job, and took some classes at a community college for a low cost. After a year or two she transitioned back to a university that was closer to home. We learned there were some mental health issues that contributed to her needing some additional support from my parents. All in all, she’s doing great now!
Your family ultimately knows what’s best. It’s easy to be the armchair quarterbacks as readers. Wish Edward the best in whatever is next!
one more thought – I’ve been thinking about Edward’s situation since I commented last!
In my role counseling students who are on academic probation or suspension, I think it’s very important for them to understand that choosing to go to a local community college or take a year off is not “punishment.” What I try to emphasize is that the grades are evidence that something’s not working for them, and that their job now is to discover what that is: health or mental health issues? Not in the right degree path?
I try to pivot away from punishment/failure/spiral of shame not just because it is the kind and empathetic thing to do, but because I believe it’s accurate and true: the grades are evidence that something’s not working and a reboot/reevaluation is needed. And that can be freeing and exciting.
Such an important reminder!
Oh, this is such a great way to frame it.
Yes! I see my students who choose to do this as advising successes.
This is wonderfully put, and completely aligned with my experience as someone who was once in Edward’’s shoes.
*claps*high fives*
YES. Honestly, community college for 101 courses are *so* ludicrously much better than most medium to large universities, mainly down to small class sizes, which have so many widely assorted positive effects for most students. (harder to get lost in the shuffle! the same person is assigning and grading homework and lecturing, and may also notice if you don’t show up! if you have a question, you can usually ask it either during or after class, and if not, there’s office hours!)
(I did community college in high school, and it benefited me enormously in terms of:
1. being an easier on-ramp to college – my mom got me to/through the entrance testing, but I was dealing with the administration/advisers/transportation-and-scheduling questions once I was in, so there were various “adulting” tasks that I learned there and yes, Large State University did almost everything differently, but it was still not a foreign environment/concept
2. the above-mentioned smaller class sizes
3. *diverse student experiences* – literally no one was there as the “automatic next step after high school” – a few were there immediately after high school, but they generally had to *choose* to do that. It makes a difference! And also it made it easier to resist peer pressure my first year at Big University when everyone on my dorm floor was sort of continuing high school rank/coolness stuff, because I already had evidence of this stuff not mattering in the real world and evidence that learning things and also passing classes did in fact end up mattering to a lot of people farther along than just-out-of-high-school.
4. also it was free to me through the high school, but even if it had not been, it would have been a Lot Cheaper.)
Prestige can be a weird beast, though. Also part of it does depend on what you want to end up doing and, if that will involve 4-year college, what courses will transfer to where you want to be. But figuring out where you’ll do well instead of poorly, filtering for your *own self* instead of assuming that what’s prestigious or important to others will of course be exactly what you want: that’s some life success right there which will help with other things down the road (romantic partners! jobs! locations!).
So many thoughts… I, too, have a rising college sophomore (my first flying the nest) and this past year navigating letting her figure things out vs. hovering has been so interesting.
* I was in over my head as a freshman. I was an overachieving high-schooler with fantastic grades who placed out of all the entry level courses. I failed a class first semester (had never gotten less than a B before!) I also had been kind of sheltered in high school and found that new freedom exhilarating but overwhelming and a lot to deal with. So school was a blast and I ended up graduating a semester late but all is good.
*My daughter’s choices for college included 3 large in-state universities and 2 OOS/private ones. The OOS/private colleges would have come with enough merit aid to make them comparable to our in-state options but then there would have been pressure to maintain a (reasonable, in my opinion) GPA. DD chose one of our in-state schools (not for that reason) so that pressure was off. But best believe I would have been monitoring grades closely if a lot of aid had been riding on them simply because losing that aid would have meant paying for those colleges would no longer be an option for our family.
*Your post made me consider how much I care about DD’s college grades. As said above, a merit scholarship would have made me care very, very much. As it is, when she left for our in-state large university we told her she didn’t have to make straight A’s but we expected her to do her best and GO. TO. CLASS. I *think* I really don’t care what her GPA* ends up being (failing out would be a different story) as long as she learns a lot, gets a degree, and does all the “normal” growing up stuff college kids do. (*Unless she decides to do a post-grad program where grades for entry into that will matter – but that’s on her.)
*She appreciates that paying a big college bill, while totally worth it IMO, is not without sacrifice in our family finances, unlike some of her wealthier friends. She respects and appreciates that and does her part.
*I think girls (at least mine) communicate way more than boys? Plenty of times she would call me stressed about a big exam or to help talk her through a paper she wanted a good grade on. I’ve never had to ask DD her grades or request proxy access – she just tells me. She would also text me about what to wear to a job interview or a frat party and I think boys just don’t communicate that way :)
*We have dear friends in a similar situation to you – first year grades were sub-par but not quite failing. Money is not a factor for them but they were perplexed as to what was going on. Turns out, lots of late night gaming, skipping class, and failing to make good social connections were contributing factors. They have some new expectations in place for next year.
*I think community college for 2 years and then transfer into a university is absolutely the best option for many these days. Truly, I think it makes sense academically, financially… – in every way except that college is so fun! And so is living on campus and figuring things out and having new freedoms, and making mistakes, and making friends, etc. etc. etc.
Fascinating read. I had a brother who did horrible in High School barely made it through. A lot of stress and arguing between my Father and him. But then my brother found a trade school (engineering/practical) and made a deal with my Father. Moved out, loved the school, got all A’s and just recently retired from a very satisfying career making portable defibrillators. He was motivated. I work at a small Junior College and we have academic programs/certificate programs/skilled trades programs. I have heard of students who didn’t do well at 4-year universities for all the reasons, but thrived in the smaller, personalized setting. Some graduate after 2 years and some go on. I don’t want to be a party pooper, but maybe formal college education isn’t for Edward? Maybe he could explore other options that interest him? Maybe you’ve already considered all this. I loved college and thrived on it and would have been a professional student if I could have been, but not everyone finds their niche that way.
I do feel your pain, but I certainly would not sacrifice your retirement on trying another semester unless Edward can provide a plan for how it will be different
Swistle, you’ve received a lot of good advice, and I’ll try to not belabor points that have already been discussed. Also, I know you said Edward is definitely going back for 1 more semester, and I think some people may have missed that and/or are being well-intentioned and protective of your finances. (as opposed to being argumentative with you)
One thing I haven’t seen suggested is a solution to the long wait times for therapy. How about online therapy? BetterHelp is the one I see advertised a lot. I’m guessing there are many others. I don’t have direct experience, but I think some kind of therapy is needed to open up the communication before he goes back to college. I’d envision something like a few sessions for Edward to have private therapy, and a couple sessions of family therapy for you, Edward & Paul to get communication going, discuss your being blindsided, etc. If the therapy doesn’t need to be in person, I don’t think you’d have much delay in getting this started.
Good luck! You have a lot of us rooting for you.
As a therapist, I do NOT recommend BetterHelp–your data is not private, which is the bare minimum one should expect from therapy! However (and I don’t know what state you’re in), you might want to try searching for a therapist, if that’s a route Edward wants to go, on Psychology Today, with openness to teleheath if he thinks that would work. I have a colleague here in Iowa who moved from Texas and is maintaining her Texas licensure in order to see clients there. Depending on what state his college is in (if it’s different from your home state), there may be more provider availability there also. There is a provider shortage for sure, but wait times definitely vary greatly even between areas of a state.
Another idea for therapy availability is an employer EAP. I used mine a few years ago to get connected with a counselor (and to have the cost covered), and the EAP had a facilitator who helped me connect with potential therapists and made sure I got an appointment scheduled pretty quickly. Typically EAP benefits also can be used by immediate family members.
This was me 20 years ago. I was a nearly straight A student through high school. Chose a school far away, got desperately homesick and came home after a semester. Did classes at the local community college. Grades were decent but I just had no motivation. Ended up just stopping going (and, yes, hiding that from my parents.) I took a few years off, went back as a working adult to an accelerated weekend program while working full time. I thrived. I did go to college at 17 so I think it was a combination of lack of maturity and frankly undiagnosed depression. I didn’t know enough to know why I felt like that at the time.
Happily I eventually graduated with honors, have a good job with good pay, and a happy life. I think the transition just sucks for some kids. All the best and all is not lost.
Do not take out your retirement money!
want to come back and read all the comments but in the meantime: Yes! (Something very similar to) this happened to me! Or rather, I did (something very similar to) this — maybe it is a lack of self-reflection but I do not look back on it and think, “Ah, poor kid, I was obviously struggling with depression” or anything. I could have been! Many do! But for me, basic mental health has always been pretty solid, and what I *do* look back on it and think is, “It was more fun to watch movies and spend time with my friends and scroll diaryland and what have you and so I … just kinda did.” If I had been asked, “What happened?” I think that my answer would have been unsatisfactory to say the least.
I will say, re: loans etc., that I was not interested in making this anyone’s problem but my own, I think in part because I, seemingly like Edward, didn’t really want people to know the extent of it. And so once I had run through the support my parents planned to give me over the planned four years, I did loans and started my career, and it was 10 years before I finally finished off my degree remotely from the city I moved to for said career, but I was fine. I am still the kind of person who will sometimes blow a day watching my stories or scrolling social media or what have you, and I would still probably be a crummy student if I ever went back. But I also am the kind of person who has never missed a single deadline in her entire adult life (and I work and worked in extremely deadline-driven fields), and who has for the past years run a freelance business that is tbh extremely successful and I really like my life.
Now does that any of tell us a single blessed thing that is helpful for Edward? WHO CAN SAY. But I feel like you are going about this well — I like that you’re troubleshooting and working backwards from real goals, and not just blindly assuming this is the right college/major/career/time/diagnosis and it needs to work. I did not avail myself of much such support when I was in Edward’s shoes, but I bet it would have helped.
And maybe even more important, in my extremely humble opinion, is your “Well, the path to adulthood can be winding!” mindset. Indeed! And you never know where the bends will take you — at 42, those friends I chose over going to class are still dear to me, and I married one of them, and he rules and is also a Very Responsible Adult. Now, I bet I absolutely could have built those sand relationships and also not sucked at school, and if it were my kid doing what I did I’m sure I would be “WHAT HAPPENED?!”-ing all over the place. But I do fully believe we can take some very winding paths, even unnecessarily, and still come out of it happy and kind. <3
Preface: This comment is not about Edward/your family.
Reading the comments drives home for me something I have thought for a long time now. The American school system has been too focused on kids leaving high school and going straight to a four year college,as if this is the only successful option. But, perhaps the pendulum is swinging. I am heartened by the renewed concept of a gap year, and frankly have it in the back of my mind for my highly successful but also hard driving newly minted high schoolers. I think she will love college, but she might need a breather first. I also see more and more youth around me taking a year or two at community college, and the stigma seems to have been removed.
But, probably the youth I am most proud of is the solidly middle class kid who graduated high school and publicly said “I hated school. I’m not interested in more academics. I like working with my hands. I’m going to find technical training.” And he didn’t just wander in to whatever is hot at the vocational center. He has a handyman type job at the moment, and he’s been researching programs for when he’s ready. He’s talking about things I didn’t even know were an option – like one that will train him to work on and captain really big boats. It’s so cool to watch, and so much better than what would almost inevitably have happened if he allowed himself to be pushed to college.
YES This has happened to us. My son: 1st semester was great, good grades, successful. 2nd semester: joined a fraternity, terrible grades. Second year fall: Terrible again, lots of fraternity/parties. January of second year: we discovered just how bad it was after deposits had already been paid, reluctantly agreed to let him try another semester. He decided to come home after this year. He maybe has one year’s worth of credits for the two years he was there. He is taking some time off of school to work and figure out what’s next. Idk if it will be back to school. Maybe community college this fall while he works, maybe not. I have no wisdom to offer, but lots of commiseration.
ALSO, it;s been a long time since I commented on a blog and Swistle! I am so happy to see so many comments here! It’s like the old days!
A version of this happened to my brother when he was a freshman in college, except it was somewhat more dire in that we found out when the University of California sent a letter to his permanent home address inviting him Not To Return, as he had evidently been on academic probation EVERY QUARTER that first year. He did appeal; he asked me to assist with his appeal letter, which essentially amounted to: I was a freshman, and freshmen are dumb, and college is a big adjustment. He was not re-admitted for the following year.
He insisted on staying in the college town (6-8 hours from home); my parents insisted that they would only pay his rent if he were still in school, so he enrolled at the local community college there. When my mom requested he send her a transcript to confirm his enrollment, it showed several classes *enrolled* in, but also all but one class *withdrawn* from. Eventually, he moved home, started working full time, and was reasonably successful at that after a couple of false starts. Perhaps he would have gone back to school when he was older (he unfortunately passed away young, so who knows). Honestly, I don’t think he was ever the type to have been a big success going away to school as a freshman to a big research university, and would definitely have been better off at a smaller school and/or closer to home, but that’s part of making big grown-up decisions, I guess.
Chiming in late- this was me 20 years ago- stopped going to class, failed a few classes, and lied about it for months until the truth came out. For me it all unraveled bit by bit until it was all so overwhelming I just couldn’t cope with anything. Looking back I think it was a combination of many factors- lack of self care/exercise, alcohol making depression/anxiety worse, lack of knowledge on how to handle life administration, and mounting pressure to “have it all figured out” when I very much did not. It took me a few years to right the ship but I slowly pulled it together and graduated. Random things that helped me:
*Finding out that this was something that happens and not the end of the world. I felt desperately alone in a sea of high achieving students who were doing all the “right” things. Might be outdated now but I liked the book “The quarter life crisis” at the time- made me feel more normal.
*Small achievements that made me feel capable- caring for plants/pets, babysitting/tutoring, and meal planning/cooking.
*Learning that I didn’t need to have it all figured out- in fact I just needed momentum towards something and could change course as I went. There’s an episode of Friends that captured this perfectly- Phoebe says, “I don’t have a plan, I don’t even have a pl”.
*Not sure if remote classes are an option but I did my graduate work online and felt it was much more manageable for me.
Also, ime the college system was not very supportive even when they knew I was struggling. Hopefully it has improved but I definitely needed an external support system outside of what was offered at the school.
Best of luck to you and Edward!
My nephew screwed the pooch, to quote my brother, his father, so badly his first semester that nobody thought he was going back. He just … didn’t go to class, he mostly played video games and smoked a lot of pot. He went to a big giant school and never mentioned it until he failed everything, which was the same as pouring all the tuition right down the drain. He took off the next several semesters, worked at a restaurant, and went back to a local school, then finished his degree a few years late. He is doing really well now. Some kids just aren’t ready to go, and it makes me so, so nervous for my kids, who are coming up on college decisions. It feels like so much money, which sucks because money and savings is the biggest trigger for my husband and me. I really like the compromise you’ve come to, all credit due to YOU. I think I’d try and strike a deal with Edward that you three have scheduled discussions, maybe weekly? Every other week? To stay in touch better and to not be caught unawares again.
College is hard. I started out okay and then for various reasons had to medically withdraw one semester for mental health as I would have failed every single class otherwise, lost one of my scholarships, was on academic probation until the end of senior year, and graduated only because one professor gave me a D instead of an F (which was deserved). Literally like 0.05 GPA points from not making it. My parents knew nothing for any of it. It was a bad time!
I’m now a mental health therapist after going to grad school (waited 4 years, got lots of work experience, went to therapy, let my brain fully develop) and getting a 4.0. Going to college and being able to function requires SO many skills. Being able to sit with stress and not avoid it or become overwhelmed and fall apart, and channel the stress into productive behaviors; have the executive functioning to make classes on time, and make a study schedule/routine, and make healthy choices like going to bed at a reasonable hour; navigate interpersonal conflict with strangers who are also learning how to function independently for the first time (and post-covid, those skills sure are lagging); communicating with professors and asking for help; tolerating the boredom and distress of disliked classes over skipping for a preferred activity; confidence in themselves to be successful independently; etc. Many times people whose strategies for dealing with distress fall on the more neurotic side are able to function a lot higher even if they’re the same level of stressed, but those who are more avoidant and able to compartmentalize (me!) reallly struggle without the oversight of a parent to give accountability and structure. And then there’s undiagnosed mental health challenges, including poor insight or self-awareness, that can really add some complication. His PCP might be a person to tap in as well.
In case this is helpful for finding a therapist for him without waiting months and months, I have a few things: using psychologytoday.com and setting your search parameters for the entire state, as telehealth providers can do therapy anywhere within the state lines; looking for a graduate program in the state/city that has a training clinic for students to provide therapy under supervision, which will be very low cost; googling “group practice” “counseling” “[your area]” “[his insurance]” as many times group practices will not advertise on directories but will have more availability and a front desk-type person to get back to you quickly. Family therapy might also be an interesting endeavor for the two of you (or three, if Paul is feeling daring) because this kind of situation can feel like a rupture in the relationship, breach of trust, and lack of understanding/alignment on both ends, and unresolved (and very valid!) feelings of anger/frustration can make things even harder than they need to be.
What a thing to have dumped over your head like a particularly cold bucket of water. I hope a way forward that feels good enough for everyone involved is found!
I haven’t read all of the 80+ comments above, and I’m a little late to the party but this was me 15 years ago! Not quite all Ds but a very, very, uncharacteristically low GPA and constant academic probation for a full-ride scholarship at a VERY expensive school we could NOT, and I mean ABSOLUTELY not, afford without it. My mom would probably tell you that it was four of the worst years of her life with the stress of it all (she refused to let me go back after 1st semester sophomore year until I made an appt with a counselor/therapist on campus), but I figured it out enough to graduate (with a 2.7 GPA), hung on to my scholarship by the slimmest of margins, and am now a successful-enough 33 year old engineer who owns her own home. I even got a Masters.
I’m still a terrible student. I never quite figured out the studying thing. But I did make it through my horrendous college experience with enough of myself in tact to realize that college isn’t the real world. Many of the skills that lead to collegiate success don’t inherently translate to adult life, but struggling, figuring it out, making it work, and learning to ask for help, that turned out to be way more valuable than the Calc II class I took twice.
My early 20s were a lot harder for me than they were for many of my friends, but I made it through and so will Edward.
This happened to my baby brother (honestly the fact we refer to him as the ‘baby’ might have been part of the problem… two big sisters 4 and 8 years older who mostly had their shit together and were high achievers).
He was almost thrown out of university at the end of his second year for plagiarism. He said it was not attributing sources properly rather than pasting chunks of the internet… who knows. He didn’t tell my parents, they only found out when a letter addressed to him arrived at their home after he’d gone back to do his third year on a course they had ejected him from. Eventually, after much panicking, they agreed to let him switch courses and he was able to graduate with an ok qualification.
Why did it happen? I understand exactly how. You miss a few, the course isn’t super interesting or there’s a part you didn’t fully understand or it’s early in the morning and you slept through a few times. And then it becomes this mental block, and you hide from it because you don’t know what to do. Being a grown up is hard sometimes when you’re not *really* a grown up… and tbh I’m v much a grown up and I still do all of the above sometimes about things that make me anxious.
Something like this DID happen to me when I was in college. I went straight from high school to university, and I was academically prepared, but not socially prepared. I struggled to make friends, and lost motivation to continue to excel in school. I was burned out and really, really sad. At that time, (the early 2000’s), I did not have support at home to access mental health care, and doing so was still heavily stigmatized. I tried changing my major, but that didn’t improve things. My grades continued to decline. I ended up sitting my parents down, telling them how unhappy I was, and telling them that I needed to withdraw from the rest of the school year (I think this happened in spring semester, if I remember correctly), which I did. I worked a part-time retail job over the summer (I was thankfully still living at home, so I didn’t have to worry about living expenses), and in the fall, I sat down with my school catalog and went through it major by major, until I found something I thought I could finish. I ended up choosing social work, and I’ve been in the field for 20 years now.
Other than having to prove that I have my bachelor’s degree via my transcripts, no one has ever asked me about my grades or about the gap in my education.
I’m late to reply, but have been thinking about this post for a while. I felt Edward’s misery—and your stress—deeply.
I went to university (Canadian) while living at home and while most often commuting with my mom who worked at the same university. I used to (seriously) go to her office, crawl under an unused auxillary desk, and nap between classes. At age 18!
I had a scholarship and was considered a good student. High school wasn’t too difficult for me, though I did work at it. I also had food industry jobs throughout highschool, volunteered 30 hours a month, and had a busy social life. It was hectic, but manageble despite my being introverted, sensitive, and anxious. But the transition to university nearly killed me, even though I lived at home, still had all kinds of face-time with my mom, and she was still caring for me in the way moms do (making sure I was eating/sleeping/laughing from time-to-time/going outside, etc.).
My first month of university, my mom and I were driving home and I said, tearfully, and super earnestly, “I don’t think I’ll ever be happy again.” The transition from highschool (even with all my other responsibilities) to university (with no job or responsibilities) was TOO MUCH.
I have often wondered how anyone navigating living on their own for the first time and totally caring for themselves for the first time (getting food, making food, eating enough food, budgeting money and time, etc) could manage. I was just doing the schoolwork and it was so different and overwhelming. There was even a whole new vocabulary and campus (basically a MINI TOWN) to learn to navigate. When I was a freshman in 2002, asking a question felt so embarrassing to me. I would have rather struggle than look stupid. (I tell my kids all the time now that it’s never stupid to ask a question. Just ask the question!).
It ended well for me. I was on the honour roll every year. I got a great job related to my field with the university right after graduating and…hated it. I don’t use my degree at all, now. And I’m happy. It will be okay.
All of that to say that I think that all the firsts associated with leaving home and going to university are just too many all at once for some to navigate successfully. I was only able to handle the coursework because that was my sole focus; I did not socialize on campus, I did not party, I did not date until my senior year. I could not have done what Edward has done. He’s brave for having tried it. Maybe a gentler transition would benefit him?
Since I’m catching up, I’m super late on posting-but we went through this with my daughter. I won’t go into all the details, but she consistently failed and had to retake classes. The extra money, mental anguish it caused! If I could do it all over again? I would have encouraged her to take a gap year. I know that isn’t helpful now, but maybe to someone else? She was barely 18 when she started, and I think she would have benefitted from that extra time. I also felt like she floundered when trying to find a major, another time she could have stopped and taken a break. We did say to her, after the umpteenth time of failed grades that if she wanted to not go back, that was OK with us. By that point we felt it just wasn’t working for her, and we were throwing good money after bad. She wanted to continue and we supported her in that. She finally finished, but I do wonder still if she would have been better off going to a trade school. She doesn’t have work in her major, but I don’t either. I had a wonderful college experience, and I did want that for her. So in a nutshell, my thoughts are if your child is struggling? Maybe some time off might help?