This morning I am not working. I so look forward to these mornings off! And then I sit here feeling glum, wondering what people at work are doing.
Usually I have errands to run on my morning off, but this morning I have only a boring errand (groceries) and I have not been able to stir myself. I promised myself a fun errand at the same time (browsing Marshalls or HomeGoods), but found that failed to ignite a spark, and then felt depressed at the idea that I was trying to talk myself into spending money unnecessarily when I didn’t even want to.
After my recent rediscovery of the emotions of the monthly cycle, a friend recommended the phone app Stardust, which I downloaded that same day and have been enjoying. In the midst of my hormonal distress it told me I was a strong little houseplant, and that was good to hear from my nest of blankies on the couch. Today I am apparently ovulating! So perhaps that is enough, in terms of errands and getting things done.
I am interested to know if I AM in fact still ovulating. Do I HAVE to be, if I’m still getting periods? Why don’t I know this. I looked it up, expecting to feel silly about the answer, but actually it looks as if there is reason to be unsure: a period can happen even if no egg was released, and everything gets a little whoopsie during perimenopause. But it looks as if regular periods tend to mean ovulation is still happening. Not that those eggs are likely to be viable. Long ago, I read in what I remember to be an issue of People magazine that after age 42, only 2% of women can still get pregnant with their own eggs and without medical intervention; the context I’m remembering was an obstetrician commenting about celebrity women giving birth in their late 40s and early 50s, and how it was misleading the obstetrician’s non-celebrity patients to think they could do the same.
Recently, the wife of a former classmate gave birth after a surprise pregnancy at 47. This possessed my mind for some time. I found it gave me a thrill, but that I was not envious, and in fact a small slice of the thrill (along with the more predominant joy and delight) was an element akin to horror. There was a time in my life when I felt as if I’d never feel this way, that I would ALWAYS want MORE!!BABIES!!, so it has been a relief to be here. It is nice to be able to turn the mind pleasantly to the next generation’s weddings and babies. Still, there is that weird little difference between “don’t want to” and “can’t.”
Not long ago I fell down a rabbit hole of reading about women who have given birth to naturally-conceived babies in their late 40s and early 50s. There was a handy chart on a Wikipedia page, listing all the details about each (known/recorded) case. What a fascinating topic that is! And what a surprise that would be for everyone involved!
I had children at 43, 45 , and 46.5 – random acts of ovulation at that point! But I still miss the babies; no grandchildren to cluck over yet. I do try to avoid being the creepy old lady fussing over stranger’s babies at Target, but the baby toes usually lure me in.
The content of your last sentence is exactly what has been on my mind and has been making me feel uncomfortable or at times wistful ever since I hit my mid-forties, yet I hadn’t been able to put it into words.
My highschool boyfriend’s mom had a surprise baby at 45. He and twin brother were in their twenties.
I too wish to know what exactly is still happening in there — it all feels so goddamned mysterious, but, like, not in a fun escape room way.
I was plunged into instant menopause–had ovaries, uterus, and cervix removed after undiagnosed endometriosis caused some problems for me at age 45. (An upside was I got to avoid all the wondering whether periods were ending, for months/years as my friends have had to do.) Anyway, while in the waiting room for a follow-up visit, I wrote this:
“Make no mistake, I am DONE with babies, but it’s bittersweet sitting among the belly bumps while waiting for my 6-week post op visit.”
I do sometimes get “clucky” pangs when I see pictures of babies. But I’m fine with that representing a transition into the grandparent years (if I’m lucky enough to have grandkids– when/if my kids are ready for that).
I always thought while undergoing fertility treatment that they should have separate waiting rooms for pregnant and non-pregnant people. And then I still thought that when I was pregnant because fewer people in the waiting room might equal less exposure to germs.
A classmate of mine from middle school had a baby in her mid-to-late 40s. We are not close enough for me to know how it happened, but the pregnancy pictures on FB were a bit shocking. The kid is elementary school now.
I have no desire for more kids. Now grandkids are another story. I find myself thinking about them more than I should because when my kids get to point in life where it might reasonably happen I don’t want to be that kind of mother, always hinting about babies. I was wondering the other day if it’s because of menopause (I’m a few years out from my last period). My body has realized it’s not making any more babies and is making me obsess about passing on my genes the only way now possible.
My boyfriend’s mom had the surprise of her life when she got pregnant with him – she was 43 and thought she was all done. Surprise! There is 5 years difference between him and his youngest sibling and his oldest sibling is 17 years older than him. It’s like a math problem.
My grandmother had a pregnancy scare when she was in her mid forties; i didn’t hear about that until I was in my 20s. She already had 3 girls and was DONE having babies. Thankfully for everyone involved it was just the wheels falling off the menstrual cycle bus, as they are wont to do.
I know multiple people who had a fertility surge at 42, who had babies at 43. One of whom had been told she’d never get pregnant and and quit trying after multiple medical interventions. Then, bam, magic pregnancy at 42/43. It happens, at least anecdotally.
I am part of a group of mum friends who might well be considered comparatively ‘older’ judging by the comments here? I had my kids at 31 and 35 and I’m the second youngest in the group, the oldest had her daughter at 42/43, most of them had children in their mid and late 30s.
My grandmother thought she wouldn’t be able to have children for decades of marriage – and then relocated, got a new doctor and had some kind of simple procedure pretty late in life (no idea what procedure!) – she had my dad at 40 and my aunt at 43 in the end, and she said she loved being an older mother. I always think of her, born in 1914, blazing the trail for the older mums.
Babies are great and necessary and often cute…and yet the thought of personally producing another baby is so, so horrifying to me. My face makes involuntary movements when I think about it.
I think maybe I feel that “don’t want to” vs “can’t” pull about roller coasters. They make me nauseated so I’m not going, but I’m also too chubby for the seats and I feel some type of way about that.
My dad’s brother’s had a baby in her late 40’s. Here’s the kicker: she didn’t know she was pregnant until she gave birth (she was very very plump and assumed she was going through the menopause and thought she had food poisoning). She had the baby at home all alone. They both survived with no mishaps. She’s tried to have a baby for many years with no luck………..
I’m 44 without any kids and had pretty wonky periods for several years in my 30’s. Then about 5 years ago they got really regular again and very light. I have no idea if I’m ovulating, but I can definitely tell that my body is at least trying to ovulate when my app says that it is. My temp goes up, my resting heart rate goes up, etc. I find it pretty interesting!
And that is more information than anyone wanted to know!
I had 7 pregnancies, 3 living babies.
My first 6 pregnancies, 3 kids before the age of 30.
Then, age 39 I had my 4th miscarriage and… we were of mixed emotions (me too, not just We). Our first grandchild was on the way at the same time – eldest daughter was nineteen when she gave birth :)
Now I’m 60, and we have 3 grandkids (21, 19 & 14) and another (from our youngest) due in May.
I couldn’t be happier not to have had another child 12 years after the previous.
[But. But. All the seven children have names…]
I think it’s very normal to be ambivalent about not having more babies. I had three, had gone through menopause, and my youngest was nearing 20 when I had a hysterectomy. And I still cried, thinking about losing that equipment.
My grandmother and mother-in-law both had their last babies at 46. I remember when I was 46 thinking, I suppose I could do it again, but why on earth would I want to?
A online friend recently shared this link which states there’s a late-reproductive stage that comes before perimenopause. My age and current experiences line up to it as my cycle has gotten shorter over the past few years.
https://parentdata.org/reproductive-hormones-puberty-menopause/
Thanks for sharing this article! So interesting to get a peak into what’s happening/about to happen.
The sentence that stood out to me as not necessarily correct in the article was this one: “Women ovulate reliably about 14 days before the start of our period.” I belong to largish support group of ladies who track their cycles in their “reproductive” years and although most of us fall in the normal cycle length, most of us do not always ovulate on day 14. Just wanted to throw that out there.
My mother had a surprise pregnancy when I was in college that ended in miscarriage. She had to have been pretty close to 50. I only found out about it because my aunt casually mentioned it one day in an “Oh my, how crazy!” sort of way when I was visiting her, assuming I already knew.
Yes, correct- definitely not always on day 14! The pre ovulatory phase of the cycle can vary wildly- ovulation on day 9 or day 29 or day 49, for example. BUT, once ovulation occurs, the post ovulatory phase is relatively stable- the population range of normal is 9-16 days, and any one woman will probably have post ovulatory phases that don’t vary by more than 1-2 days. So the statement about ovulation occurring “reliably” about 14 days before the next period is right, if a bit simplistically stated :)
Thank you for sharing this, the late reproductive stage is so interesting to me. I feel like I experienced this around 40 even though I’ve never given birth, so no data available as to actually how fertile I was. It was a period of my life where men seemed to notice me again like I was a hot commodity? As an introvert who wasn’t looking to date ANYONE at the time, it was a little scary ngl, they just sort of swarmed. I wonder if it corresponds to the ‘baby fever’ that some women experience around 40 ish, the last surge of hormones that scream BABY NOW YES RIGHT NOW MY BODY IS READY. Now I’m closer to 50 and shaped like an overstuffed baked potato and those men have lost all interest lol. Thank god.
Several years ago, one of my friends had a baby at 45. She had her IUD taken out and got pregnant. Her other children were like 9 and 12. It was, to put it mildly, a huge shock and changed kind of everything in her life trajectory.
I will be 49 next month and the mere idea of another baby…well, I have felt that way for years but the older I get the more I think briefly of grandchildren, NOT MY OWN BABIES.
I was never able to get pregnant and my periods stopped at 49. I actually enjoy our baby free life once I got over the desire, but what I do miss is not having grandchildren. I suppose that too will pass. I have an acquaintance who got pregnant at 48 and didn’t realize it for some of the reasons someone mentioned. She went to the ER with horrible back pain and her baby was delivered within 20 minutes. What and adventure!
All of this has been on my mind lately but from the opposite side in a way! I’m 39 and finally with the person I want to have children with, and my mind is going from one extreme to the other almost constantly–from excitement at the potential to trying to preemptively plan for disappointment. I’m so happy I waited, and yet, and yet…
I am 52 and am exactly one year after my last period. I was thinking the other day about what I would do if I accidentally got pregnant. Holy cow, would that ever upset the apple cart.
But I do enjoy thinking, in an anecdotal kind of way, about grandchildren. My kids are 19 and 17 so not just yet, please, but I can see how fun it will be. Once you’re on this side of child-raising, you can see how fast it really goes. That realization has got to seriously alter one’s perspective when grandchildren come around.
The book Menopause Manifesto had a really interesting part that talked about the fact that a grandmother helps ensure family health and longevity. Traditionally, the grandmother is the person who passed down wisdom about where to find food, what foods are okay to eat, and how to prepare food. And the grandmother is able to help relieve pressure and child-raising stress suffered by the parents, ensuring family health and longevity as a whole.
Menopause Manifesto is so good!
My gyno told me women in their late 40’s/ early 50’s have the second highest rate of accidental pregnancies, with first place going to teen moms.
I was told to be careful until I hit a year with no periods.