Other things I did yesterday, in my absolutely dismal mood:
1. Contacted (THANK YOU ONLINE CONTACT FORM) the local food pantry to ask if they had any use for the TWENTY-THREE DOLLAR fancy ham Paul bought at the store without realizing it was any different than the $9 nonfancy ham he usually buys—and also without realizing it was a brown-sugar-and-spice flavor, which he said he would not eat. I did not want to try to RETURN MEAT; I also did not want to feel UPSET AND BLAMEY every time I opened the fridge and saw the ham (whomst among us, etc., in these days of unexpectedly leaping prices) (BUT STILL!! TWENTY-THREE DOLLARS FOR A CARELESS HAM MISTAKE!! and the price label is RIGHT THERE ON THE HAM); I also did not want to waste an expensive ham by letting it sit in the fridge until it went bad. I was getting overwhelmed by options (should I offer it to a friend/co-worker? is that a little…weird? also, which friend/co-worker should be offered first?), and then I thought of the food pantry. They emailed right back (BLESS YOU, ORGANIZATION, FOR REPLYING IN THE SAME MANNER AS CONTACTED), saying they could definitely use it. Now it is not a $23 waste, it is a $23 donation, and it is out of my sight/fridge.
2. Donated blood. A long time ago I wrote about the assortment of small nice things each of us does for other people, and in my mind I remember it as a multi-paragraph discussion of how we all find the ways that make sense for us (some of us volunteer our time! some of us our money! some of us our talents! some of us our blood!), and in reality the post is mostly complaints about how long it can take to do all the paperwork/waiting that comes with the blood-donation process. Anyway, by coincidence my appointment was yesterday, and the timing was good: I was feeling bad about Not Doing Things, and this was something I could Do by just showing up and lying there.
3. Wept gently over your comments. You were very nice to me. Thank you for that.
4. Called a Make Your Own Dinner day. Made dinner only for myself. Ate a pint of ice cream afterward.
5. Got my period. Well, well, well, if it isn’t once again the explanation for “I know things are a little dicey right now but WHY do I SUDDENLY feel so INEXPLICABLY DESPAIRINGLY TERRIBLE about them???” My theory is that when I finally figure out this pattern, when I am steeped in misery and think to check the calendar, THAT’S when it will finally stop and Menopause will happen: I will have Leveled Up.
Sending love and hugs. And yeah the period. I finally got a handle on them and then went right into perimenopause.
YOU LEVELED UP!!
Yep. And now it’s been over 7 years since my last one (9/21/2016), and I still have pads in the house. Just in case.
I’m glad things are looking up a little! I got back into donating blood regularly about a year ago, and I’ve been very happy with the Red Cross Blood Donor app because it has RapidPass and a built-in donor card. I am pretty reliably in and out (with an appointment) in about 45 minutes. Plus I can see where my blood goes!
It is one of the few apps I am willing to have on my phone, because it really does make things significantly better. (Though the wait times for people with appointments, when they currently ONLY TAKE APPOINTMENTS, still sometimes make me…well, it is best not to dwell on it. I bring my phone, and I play Candy Crush. It’s fine! It’s fine.)
I hear you! Hope it all gets better soon. And kudos to you for donating blood! It’s so important but not all of us are eligible for a variety of reasons so I think you are doing a very fine and noble thing for the good of humanity. Okay that came out weird but still. Also I would like to think that THE HAM could definitely make someone’s day. It’s something no one would expect but what a delight to get it. (If you like that particular flavour of course) thank you for sharing with us. You are such a role model and we are all rooting for you.
Re: number five. When I feel a wave of despair and like I can’t go on and why is my hair so ugly and why is everyone so annoying, I look at my calendar and see that yes, indeedy, we are getting to that stage in the old cycle. That said, just because there is an explanation for feeling despair doesn’t mean it is any less difficult, and I’m sorry you were in the depths of it. xoxoxo
YOU HAVE ALREADY LEVELED UP!!
It makes me say bad words when that happens to me. I feel so righteous and MAD or SAD or whatever, and then. Oh. Welp…. STILL, the feelings were/are VALID, they’re just magnified a little by biology.
Also, good job giving blood! I wish it were something I could do regularly but I always pass out. :/
RIGHT! RIGHT! It’s not that those feelings were WRONG. They were just…perhaps ENHANCED.
1-4) Sounds like a good plan of action all around.
5) You know, I never had too many mood swings related to my cycle until just a few years before menopause.
p.s. I hope I didn’t overstep yesterday.
YOU DID NOT OVERSTEP IN ANY WAY!! <3 <3 <3
(I composed like ten replies, and kept deleting them out of...er, anxiety. The upshot: YES, your instincts are RIGHT ON, I have been diagnosed with General ((or was it Generalized?)) Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety, and also a lil Phone Phobia as a treat. For a year or two I tried medications, one after another; then gave up and took a break; then a few years later tried again for another year or two, and gave up again. I worry that if I talk about it, I will get "Well, you have to KEEP TRYING!") (I don't mean FROM YOU. I mean that it will invite that sort of Open Discussion.)
Point 5: ALL THE WAY.
Although I find the dismay/despair seems to move around more lately, the super fun perimenopause. But like, 24-48 hours later, period or no the DOOM seems to have settled down and I’m like FLIPPING STUPID HORMONES AGAIN?!?!?
I’m going to noodle around on the ukulele that I do not play but want to. Last night I was knitting a colorwork hat while watching an Indigo Girls Live stream (for charity, it was lovely and on FB and uTube and may still exist. Emily’s dog, Gracie, makes appearances and their violin player is also there and I have forgotten her name — Lyris, maybe? — but I like her and violins! Plus she was wearing a cool shirt). So I was site reading a complex-ish pattern and singing and I was like I FLIPPING CAN DO THIS UKULELE THING IF I’M DOING WHAT I’M DOING.
SO.
I have been the Paul in the Ham Situation (but also the Swistle, with the incredulous WHY DID YOU DO THAT, ME???? and all the other head scratching frustration) (this is not me trying to excuse Paul, I am just also really unthinking/unobservant sometimes) and I am SO GLAD you were able to donate the ham!
Hormones just plain SUCK.
I HAVE DONE IT MYSELF!! I have returned home, satisfied with my purchases, and then “WHAAAAAAAA!!!!”
As a two-mom household, we put our “overly emotional days” on a shared google calendar. (The months where we overlap are the WORST.)
But how do you know your premenstrual self isn’t just extra-good at assessing the way life can be terrible?
I’m glad you Took Steps.
I DO WONDER THIS. Like, there are all those things about the Caretaking Hormones, and how they Depart later in life. And it…Makes Me Wonder.
My Mom went through this. It was a bit of an awakening for the rest of the family. By then we were old enough to do more of the household tasks and definitely should have been doing more. After a bumpy transition, we now all contribute much more fairly. So even though this stage might be a little uncomfortable all round, I think it’s just what needs to happen in order for you to be seen and appreciated!
5! Just read yesterday’s post and will admit that I did wonder if PMS was a factor because I get exactly like that where everything is just super despair right before my period. But then I don’t like to mention that to my husband because then he just wants to avoid me or just discounts all grumpy feelings when I want them to be indulged and not just scoffed away due to hormones. I was very “meh” yesterday – didn’t want to do anything all day and went to bed early and sure enough it’s my period today.
Good job doing the blood donation and deciding to not make dinner – that can just feel unsurmountable sometimes.
I wonder what my overwhelming noticing of reality is about… as I am not hormonal any more.
Shrug.
I read somewhere that you should pay attention to the things that drive you out onto the ledge during Shark Week as they are things that probably always bother you but teh hormonez give you a lil nudge towards realizing how MANY things you are dealing with that are Complete Bullshit.
Also: I have GAD with social anxiety with a generous soupcon of MDD. If you want to talk drugs that helped vs. drugs that made everything worse AND THEN SOME, i have feelings and things to say. :)
As someone who has GAD with a generous soupcon of health and anxiety and has been trialing different meds, I would LOVE to hear your thoughts!
Also, SHARK WEEK :))
This inspired me to do a few of the things that have been bothering me for a long time: I dusted the bookcases, I swept under my dresser (I could SEE the dust but I hadn’t actually cleaned under it for… a long time), I cleaned off the top of the washing machine and dryer where random things had been accumulating, including a puddle of detergent.
Now it is 9am and those things are DONE. I am still having a very hard time at work and struggling in several ways but I won’t be looking at archaeological layers of dust on my bookcases.
Blood donors (and an excellent surgeon) saved my life and made it possible for me to be here to raise my children. I am sorry it’s not easier to donate where you are (here, there’s a needle in my arm within 15 minutes of signing in for my appointment) but it can make the most profound difference. Next time you’re waiting maybe think “there’s a mom out there who wouldn’t be raising her kids but for people like me.” I am literally crying thinking of the gift I was given.
I gave blood for the first time last August. I was told it would take at least 20 minutes to get the right amount from me, and I am weirdly proud of the fact I filled the bag in 7 minutes and 38 seconds.
Of course, I wonder if this means I’d be in trouble if I were lacerated in an accident…
I’d been crowing about my speed (another donor and I had been “racing” and I’d “won”) and the technician said comfortably that I’d just bleed out before the ambulance could get to me. Phlebotomists, in my experience, don’t mind a little frankness.
I’m on month ten of the “twelve months no period” and if I get one I’m going to be PISSED. I’m so close to leveling up.
Things are very different. I no longer feel compelled to do/organize/take care of/help with all the things. I just…don’t. Also an empty house is an adjustment and I know it won’t always be this way but it is GLORIOUS.
Off topic here, but I saw you asking for tarot card recommendations and immediately thought of the one by Stephanie Pui-mun Law. The artwork is gorgeous. I actually have the print of the Fool framed and hanging in my room. The set is sold on her site at https://www.shadowscapes.com/Tarot/deckSE.php
Just saw that a far less expensive version of this is at https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0738715794/