I would not say I am PANICKING, but I would say I am in An Episode of Feeling Panicky. Part of it was set off by the recent experience with the police, where they were SO polite and SO pleasant (and I am a middle-aged white woman thoroughly socialized to respect men/authority; I read an article awhile back that said no other category is as indulged by the police), and I was made personally aware that I can talk/reason all I want, but the police get to make all the decisions. And the “talk/reason all I want” is only at their extreme indulgence: they could have told me to step aside, ma’am, and they could have skipped the ma’am; it was only by their indulgence that I was allowed to talk and explain into their nodding, patient, kind, indifferent ears for awhile while they treated me nicely and waited until they could do what they were going to do anyway.
That powerless feeling (combined with the awareness of just how much worse it could be than a powerless feeling) seems to have suffused a number of everyday/unrelated things. Already I have been feeling partnerless in my marriage in terms of chores/tasks/worries, and very aware that, after over twenty-five years of working on it, talking and explaining while someone nods nicely and indulges me but nothing changes, my two options are stay or leave and that all the options in between have been exhausted/eliminated; that is a powerless feeling. Already I have been feeling overwhelmed by the Extra Stress and Time-Sensitive list items (taxes, FAFSA forms, Henry college search, Henry driving lessons) that I (we) should be doing but I am not doing, day after day; that is a panicky feeling. Last night I lay awake; each time I’d start to drift off, I would think of something (“THE TAXES!”) and jolt awake, and then lie there wondering why our government makes things so hard and stressful for us (taxes, the FAFSA, laws that make life considerably worse).
In that powerless/panicky mode, other things, even much more minor things, can get swept up into the mess, tumbleweed-style. Maybe I mean dust-bunny style. Do tumbleweeds pick things up? Does anything pick up other things in the way I mean? Well, what I mean is that in a mental state like this, where there are truly important things to worry about (marriage, tax deadlines, authoritarianism), things such as “how irritatingly packed-in my sweaters are, and how I should really go through and get rid of some” can somehow get SUCKED IN to the roiling mass as if JUST AS IMPORTANT. This morning, feeling RIDICULOUS, I got rid of four sweaters and five long-sleeved shirts. Did I set up college tours for Henry, or teach him to drive? No. Did I get the FAFSA done? No. Did I get rid of several of the sweaters I don’t like but keep wearing because I am foolishly trying to “save” the sweaters I do like, plus most of the long-sleeved shirts I’d thought I’d wear but never ever do? Yes. Are my sweaters stressing me out less now? Yes.
I also signed the agreement with the tax preparer. I don’t want to use this tax preparer anymore: I trust her work, but she puts the taxes off until the last day or two, with me worrying the whole time that somehow our envelope of tax stuff has gotten lost/forgotten (WHAT THEN??), and then we have to scramble to take one of the few last-minute available times she has for us to come in and sign them. I don’t think she wants to do our taxes: I think she is using the “If you are a professional and there is work you don’t want, raise your price until it is worth it for you to do it” method, which, good for her, truly truly I mean that, our taxes are horrible and made me cry for literally hours every year when I was doing them. But this means that when she sent this year’s estimate, and it is a price that makes me think I MUST either do the taxes myself OR choose a different preparer, the estimate then sits in my bill-paying cubby for a month while I wonder if this level of stress really does relieve the stress of doing the taxes myself.
Last night, lying awake, I thought, “You have given yourself a full month to either find a new tax-preparer or commit to doing the taxes yourself, and you have done neither of those things. You do not have a partner who is going to do anything about this or even think about it. Action needs to be taken, BY YOU, TOMORROW: either call someone else tomorrow; or get a batch of forms and start filling them out tomorrow; or sign the stupid agreement and pay the Inertia Tax tomorrow.” This morning I signed the form and put it in the mail with an Inertia check. And I put the bag of sweaters/shirts in the Goodwill pile. And I had a LARGE breakfast: at times like this, sustenance is important. And I wrote to you. And now I will go do the grocery-shopping.
Good lord. Swistle. The *powerlessness*. You did such a good job describing this, it hit a little too close to home. I teared up reading this.
I don’t have anything to offer, just commiserating. I just read a post about Nex Benedixt, a non-binary student who was beaten and killed at school. The school didn’t call an ambulance, to protect the students who beat Nex, and is now waiting on toxicology reports (on Nex, who was killed), and it sure as hell appears they’re doing everything in their power to avoid responsibility.
Then the political situation seems like we’re repeating 2016, and not only did we not learn from it, it seems like even more people are inclined to support racism/sexism than before. (Huh. Why is sexism not a recognized word in my phone? It tries to correct it to seismic.)
The powerlessness. It’s overwhelming.
Sending hugs and love.
You are doing the best you can. You are doing the things you can do the best you can do then right now.
Can you set up time for this weekend WITH HENRY to work out college visits? It’s not all on you, he can help.
Can you put in your calendar FOR JUNE to find a new tax preparer? When it’s not hanging over your head?
Can you put in your calendar FOR OCTOBER to sit down with yourself and ask what it would look like to leave? What would you need to have in place? What would change for you? What are the pros and cons?
I love scheduling annual annoyances for later at a time when I won’t be stressed about it and can then feel a little smug that I’m prepared ahead of time. It usually doesn’t help that much in the moment when I’m scrambling to do something I’ve put off, but it often makes next year easier.
Sending so much love, Swistle! Since you say you’ve tried everything in between I’ll assume that includes considering marriage counseling, but I have heard (maddeningly) that a husband hearing things from a male marriage counselor can sometimes make the biggest difference.
(when my father hears things from men, he sometimes responds as though he *never heard that idea before in his life* and as though it is entirely sensible, even if my mother, my sister, and I have told him repeatedly, with logic, and he has dismissed those statements out of hand. See: “You should not post extremely expensive, very burgle-able items publicly on Craigslist with your address attached” and “if you do get a stranger coming to see your [less-hot-on-the-black-market thing posted to Craigslist], do not take him on a tour around the house to also show him several thousand dollars’ worth of antique coins and guns and where you store them even though you really like showing off your Prize Stuff.” My mom asked him. I asked him. My sister asked him. In brief and in extensive explanation, with mentions of various options people use instead to transfer items via craigslist. Then a dude friend of his said “oh, hey, yeah, don’t post expensive things on craigslist with your address, someone might come and steal them” and he came back to us all informing us of this surprising and brilliant NEW CONCEPT and now he would of course do that.)
(to give him his due, when I told him we were concerned about termites and therefore needed to be aware when there was water under the house, and he told me that termites aren’t actually a problem [being from an area where termites generally aren’t a problem] and I told him that while they are not a problem in his area, they are common and destructive here, and we know people who have had expensive termite issues locally, and he still thought they were not a problem, when I told him that *this particular house* has been repaired after termite damage *twice* and told him where the termite evidence is located, he did more or less believe me that termites *might* sometimes be a problem here.)
(anyway, y’all. MEN of a particular age and misogyny and privilege level etc.)
(I have an excellent husband, though, who is a legitimate Good One. So. Not all of them are like this. Just. It seems like lots of them? And when there is one, whew, they are… like that.)
THIS!!! I love the idea of scheduling time to work on a problem. It all doesn’t have to solved right now. It can be addressed when you have the bandwidth to work on it.
Jumping in here to say that didn’t you do all the college stuff for the other four, Swistle? Maybe Paul wants to have this valuable experience thrust upon him. He can even ask the other kids for tips! You didn’t have that advantage when Rob was going to college.
I cried reading this only because I recognized so much of myself here. I so appreciate you for making me feel not alone. Now I’m going to not do my own taxes and clean out my sock drawer instead!
That’s a lot. It was probably the right decision to take action on the taxes– even if the situation is not ideal, now it’s moving forward. And maybe Henry could schedule his own college visits. I don’t feel I should weigh in on your marriage, but neither do I want to leave that part of your stress unaddressed, as if you hadn’t said it.
Have you ever been screened for anxiety? My wife and both kids have it (to differing degrees) and it sounds possible that you may have it, too.
You’re doing it, it’s getting done! It sucks and it’s expensive but it’s getting done!!
Your post prompted me to do something TOTALLY TRIVIAL that I nevertheless needed to take care of, and which demonstrates how all the teensy steps and rememberings in every task wear us the fuck down. We need a new couch. The couch place is appointment only (????). I filled out their appointment form yesterday but hadn’t heard back. So I should call? No, first I should check my email and see if they did get back to me. No. Maybe it’s in spam. YES!! Oop, I have to mark it not spam before I can reply. Get back to couch guy. Text husband about appointment. Remember that we need to stop on the way there to vote and so I need to print off our ballots but I can’t until the new printer cartridge comes…. and so it continues.
We also need a new couch.
My biggest hurdle is I have no idea how to get rid of the old couch (very large and heavy. New couch will not be this big.)
You can hire someone to teach Henry to drive. My husband was adamant that it was too expensive and he would do it. I told him he had two weeks and then after 4-6 had elapsed, I hired someone to take my son out for 10 hours of driving practice. (In my state a kid needs 40 hours of documented behind the wheel practice.) Husband was horrified, said it was a waste of money. I said great, aren’t you lucky I only paid for 10 hours then, you can still do the rest. He did 2 hours – then I hired another driving instructor for 10 more hours.
I like to say, is this a problem I can throw money at and solve it? If he won’t be a partner, I’ll partner with his desired early retirement instead.
THIS IS GOLD.
You might be my hero.
I so get that stressed feeling where little things add to big things. I can remember a time when I was stressed out by a bunch of stuff, and I was sitting on my bed and had to close my eyes because everywhere I looked was something that needed doing–not all big things, but they all needed doing and it was just piling stress on stress until the whole stress pile toppled over onto my head (metaphorically speaking, that is). It’s an awful feeling. I hope you can break things up into smaller pieces that feel a little more doable, like you did going with the tax preparer for this year, until you are chipping away at that pile and feel some relief.
Oh! I know what picks other things up as it goes: a katamari (from the game Katamari Damacy).
I’m going to use stress katamari from now on to refer to when I feel all the neglected responsibilities piling on.
Ans as a bonus, it’s something I think my kids and husband will understand which is particularly useful when trying to communicate why I can’t do that thing at the moment.
I think “snowballing” is also the concept of other things being amassed within the original.
So sorry you’re going through this, Swistle. Thanks for writing to us <3
The words I loved most about this post were “And I wrote to you”. I love that this gives us the vision of our group of followers as long-time readers and sort-of friends that provides you with the opportunity to get things off your chest.
Our families need to share the burdens of day-to-day life that we carry. And if they don’t or won’t, then they need to suffer the most from the consequences, not us.
Last Friday evening my anxiety around my family’s reliance on me doing all of our planning, preparing, and executing of chores beyond the normal routine became too much. I went into the playroom (the formal dining room) erased the whiteboard, and listed every task off the top of my head that needed to be addressed soon. I told my family (husband, two tweens) I’m not solely responsible for making these things happen, especially the ones that I don’t directly benefit from. Everyone needs to pitch in, and prioritize their time to get this stuff done.
To complicate matters, I later realized I need to work on not feeling guilty and worthless as “just” a sahm (autocorrect keeps changing it to sham, lol). I shouldn’t, can’t and don’t want to hold it all together for my family. Anyway, we crossed off 10 of the 13 items by Sunday evening, so I call that good enough. Maybe I need to schedule a whiteboard meeting every Friday.
Your first paragraph about the police? Such excellent writing. It’s writing like that that makes me think you could publish a book of essays or something.
All of this is hard. I’m so sorry.
I hope things start looking up soon (for you and for…you know, democracy, the environment, this whole blessed world).
Can I just take a moment to point out how successful you are? You are teaching a 4th kid how to drive (it is a running joke at the university where I work how few of the students have drivers licenses when they get here. We are very definitely not in New York City) and then have every reasonable expectation that he will go off to college, which not all kids do. Your taxes are complicated because you have income and multiple children in college. Your issue with paying them is whether to risk overpaying a preparer, not how to dig yourself out of the hole or not having done them last year or the year before (I remember the year my parents had to do that). You encountered a very difficult moral situation, but also one in which both you and your husband demonstrated that you are the type of people who take time to try to do your best by a stranger, even if you’re up against a system that does not treat people that way. This isn’t
meant to undermine any of your stress or panic of course…but you are a person who is as best I can tell pretty honest about their life on the internet, and comes out looking pretty together. And it’s ok if overpaying for tax services is part of how you get that done.
I second everything in Kerry’s comment.
And also commiserate with every feeling you’ve so perfectly (as usual) described. Yes and yes and yes.
Also, for what it’s worth, my life began to get better when I started seeing a therapist, alone, to deal with marriage issues that were similar to yours. It helped me process some of the feelings that came from the situation, and helped me reposition myself in the dynamic I was stuck in. I won’t say too much about it, but it helped me feel healthier in the situation I need to be in for the time being. I can’t change him. But it helped me with where I decided to be.
A glacier picks up things as it moves along. And, in so doing, gouges giant trenches in the earth (which cannot cope with the weight of the ice or the scrape of the debris).
Which is to say I see you, Swistle. Like many others have said, you are putting words to feelings I also have and that makes me feel less alone. Sending you love.
You are not alone, Swistle. So much “Sing it, sister!” going on here, from yet another person who is so grateful to have your writing to sustain me.
I am reading — about to finish — Darcy Lockwood’s All the Rage, of which I have two copies. If there is a noninvasive, non-burdensome way for me to pass them on to you and thence to other readers (Mother’s Day giveaway), please advise. Basically, straight married mothers’ brains are melting because our husbands think that doing a better job than their fathers is the same as doing a good job.
I don’t think I would mind dealing with all the stuff I have to do if I didn’t have to do it under the same roof as a grownass adult who makes my life harder. (He does do the taxes, using software I picked and records I maintain).
What if there were a Swistlecon and we just never went back home?
All the Rage, discussed on NPR: https://www.npr.org/2019/05/12/722173367/all-the-rage-isn-t-about-moms-having-it-all-it-s-about-moms-doing-it-all
Free NYT op-ed piece by Lockman: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/05/04/opinion/sunday/men-parenting.html?unlocked_article_code=1.XE0.U_UW.eWafFREIOlNn&smid=url-share
Ooohhhhhh. SWISTLECON. I’m in
All these comments and this post have made me feel better. Thanks y’all. I hope you, Swistle, are also feeling better. This is a great group. Thanks, all y’all.
FYI: for the swistle con: I can knit and cook and otherwise do the same multitasking olympics as the rest of y’all. Oh, and I lade a (wonky but functional) braid in rag rug out of old tshirts.
Can I really recommend Taylor Swift for the feeling partnerless in your relationship soothing? To avoid speculating on her relationships like the rest of the world I will just say that she has an incredible insight into what it is like to be in an unequal relationship. It’s basically Folklore and Evermore.
In particular I would recommend This is Me Trying, Time to Go, Exile (the BEST one) , my tears ricochet, tolerate it (although please note this is painful to listen to) and you’re losing me. If you want something more ragey then Ur Mum by Wet Leg is amazing to blast in your car.
I’m so sorry things are so rubbish. You’re not alone but I’m not sure if that makes things better or actually just so much worse?
You did two things that needed to be done! TWO! Be sure to celebrate:) Every time you do a little thing, celebrate!
If you haven’t done it yet, the “new” FAFSA is a breeze – you just agree to let them electronically connect your tax files and voila!
Ok, so not entirely a breeze, but it’s WAY easier than before on the parent side. (She says, knowing you will have to do the kid side too.)
At a time in my life when I am thisclose to bursting into ragey, frustrated, panicky, overwhelmed, powerless tears every minute of every day, I really appreciate this note of solidarity. I don’t have any answers or quick fixes, but what I WON’T do is argue with you or try to tell you that there’s ALWAYS a solution. *side-eyes everyone in my orbit*
Your feelings are valid. Full stop.
Thank you, Swistle. I see you. <3
Oh Swistle this post is so timely. Youngest got in a situation that could have ended very badly on an outdoor trip this weekend and yet no one from the organization has contacted me to talk about it, report that it happened, done literally anything. I know I need to reach out to the program and set up a meeting because FFS someone needs to tell me something like that isn’t going to happen again. But every time I think about doing this I think about how it could have gone wrong and I feel really anxious and do nothing, Meanwhile, H broke our microwave trying to replace the light bulb (it still worked just fine, heating up food like a champ, now it doesn’t work). I’m so angry at him even though we can afford it replace it and it’s not the end of the world. My rational brain realizes that I’m transferring a lot of the anger over the incident with Youngest and the lack of response by the organization to this broken microwave situation but my emotional brain is just so GD mad about the microwave. Your post has given me the motivation to stop fussing about the microwave and email the damned organization. Thank you for posting and helping me to get moving.
Hugs and solidarity from someone in a similar state.
A couple of years ago my psychologist suggested I tell her every single thing that I was worrying about or had on my plate and she would write it down.
She was a young single woman and after we filled 2 pages of a legal pad of The Things and had still not even gotten to work stuff, she looked kind of stunned.
She asked what I could eliminate and the only things were things that I do for me – volunteering that I love, self care that I scrape together etc
It’s a lot and it’s hard when you like things to be nice and you care about your people and making sure they are happy and have nice things too – and you’re good at it too – to do all the things without using yourself up. Lighting yourself on fire to keep others warm.
I would love Swistlecon too. Any time I go away with women, I am stunned by how nurtured I feel when there’s other people doing The Things.
There is an Inertia Tax on a lot of things/situations, not just actual taxes (or tax preparations)! Such an excellent way of expressing that concept.
Sometimes it’s all too much.
I just want you to know that your posts have helped me so much: a little at a time, drops in a bucket adding up to whole bucketful of water. You’ve made the world a better place by being in it. Thank you so much.
I hope you give yourself the grace to triage whatever you need off your plate and out of your life. Whether that’s just not worrying about clutter until more of the kids get further through college, or buying only your favorite foods and your own shampoo and toothpaste when you do grocery shopping, or fishing all your clothes out of the dryer and leaving everyone else’s stuff in there waiting for them– I hope you find space for yourself to breathe. Big hugs.
Oh Swistle, I see you and I hear you and validate every single sentiment. Sending hugs.
This is so well-stated and so relatable. I often use your drops in a bucket advice! I have similar mental stalemates and also find myself saying how can I throw some money at this to get it done. That doesn’t help with the police (they have enough money thrown at them IMO).
Also, I ordered myself some Sees candy. Not that emotional eating will help, but… chocolate.
Today was a rough day for me for some reasons that are similar to yours and some that aren’t, but like others here, I want to tell you how much it helps me to read your blog and feel seen. Sending you positive vibes.
I’m sorry that you’re feeling stressed. Maybe I can provide some info that will help a little bit.
I own a tax company. Most places aren’t taking new clients these days. We are, and people contact us in the summer and fall to get on our list. You can email through the website, the whole thing can get done on a portal so you never have to talk on the phone. If you contact a company in, say, July, and ask for a price quote, you can get a good feeling what kind of company it is and ask to get on their list. If you call today and want to talk price and services, it’s going to be a pretty short conversation, because we’re so busy. So know that now is not the time, and resolve to do some research and get some information in the summer. And maybe consider going on extension to ease the April stress? There’s nothing wrong with an extension, especially if you’re getting a refund.
This is EXTREMELY comforting.
I have commented maybe twice ever, but I have been reading and laughing and crying along with you for YEARS, and I just…I appreciate you. Thank you.
I came out of bed 45 min before my alarm clock to sit in my quiet kitchen and drink coffee, to a sink full of dishes which is making me feel resentful, and then discovered that the dishwasher had a “filter clogged” error on it. While I was cleaning that disgusting mess, my husband stumbled out, had a couple of swallows of soda from the fridge, and stumbled back to bed.
All of this to say, I feel ya.
Oh, dude. I feel this! Both of you. All of us.
*empathetic teeth-clenching*
Delurking momentarily to say that after 17 years, I want a damn invite to SwistleCon.
Oh my gosh, ME TOO
(Also: HI HI HI!!!)
About 10 days ago, my [lovely] husband decided that it was time to list our house for sale. Now, don’t misunderstand, we have previously agreed that we would sell our house this spring.
It’s not yet spring.
It’s a month until spring.
I begged and pleaded for him to not call the realtor yet.
He emailed the realtor and told him to come and see us Friday this week…tomorrow.
And I’m not ready. The house is not clean enough. There are 50 tiny cleaning jobs to do before I can let people in to look. And 5 big cleaning jobs as well.
They may each take 5 or 10 or 30 minutes. But they are pressing on me. The list is overwhelming. I need to whittle down the list because at the moment I am paralyzed.
He does the big stuff – the gutters are clean, the yard is tidy, the plumbing is good, the garage looks good. But the rugs need cleaning, and the baseboards need to be wiped and dusting and windows and still the kitchen and meals and bathrooms and laundry like always. Aargh!
What I’m saying is I feel you, Swistle.
I’m so sorry. He decided to just put the house up for sale? As if it’s 1810 and he alone can decide things like this?. This would be a dealbreaker for me. Throw him out with the garbage is my first thought. I’m hoping the rage thoughts I have are telepathically snapping him into being a better person.
At some point my rage thoughts about all the lousy husbands might telepathically just snap them all in effing half if they can’t get better and maybe we’d be better off, tbh.
Sometimes when I am feeling particularly dreary about still being single six years after my first marriage ended, I read comments and posts like this and things feel slightly brighter in this world where I don’t live with a man 😆
Swistlecon ’24: There will be brownies.
Hugs Swistle. Also, so much gratitude to your comment section and for it not being a 2024 comment section of just thousands of people typing “Link!” For whatever ish Is being sold that day by the influencer. You are a real one. Take care.
To anyone reading – and to Swistle too – I really can recommend divorce. It’s hard and sad and I had to forgive myself before I could make it happen. But everyone comes out ok, and things are easier afterward.
My teen just introduced me to the forks corollary to the spoons mental health analogy. The idea is stressors are like forks stuck in to you. Some are big (Henry’s college tours) and some are small (your sweater drawer), but they are all causing you distress. By removing a few smaller forks, you can be in a better position to deal with a big one. So, while it may have felt ridiculous to deal with the sweaters, what you were really doing was getting rid of a fork you had the immediate resources to actually deal with.
I love this. Such a good way to think about it!
This, all of this.
And the “forks” part is BRILLIANT! It perfectly describes the feeling of all these nagging items. And in any silverware drawer there are always so few spoons and SO MANY FORKS.