I have recently been under a cloud, and it is a cloud I know some of you know, and it is the cloud of “You are a difficult and neurotic person, and everyone else is better than you and easier to live with than you and easier to be married to than you and easier to be friends with than you. You are the babiest baby about everything, you freak out and complain and get prickly and weird about literally everything, you can’t seem to cope with any of the normal things normal things people can cope with. Other people are nice to their spouse and to their children, and notice their STRENGTHS instead of noticing/nitpicking their WEAKNESSES the way you seem to constantly do. Other families work as a TEAM, whereas YOU seem to inspire YOUR family to shirk and balk; that’s probably because other people are generous and kind and loving, whereas you are a critical ineffective shrew who probably LIKES being a martyr. Other people are doing everything–health, relationships, career, hobbies, fashion–RIGHT, whereas YOU are doing all of those things WRONG. Other people enjoy life while you fret and fritter and overthink and spoil everything and exhaust everyone. You can’t even stop your stupid mouth from blurting out stupid things you think are funny in the moment but then later realize are mean and also dumb and wrong, and everyone else is exchanging glances and wondering who should be the one to suggest you may want to consider another foray into medication/therapy.”
One of the worst conceits of that cloud is the “ONLY YOU” aspect, when we all know PERFECTLY WELL that other people go through it as well—not ALL other people, but MANY other people, including local earth-deity Taylor Swift (“It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me”). And I DO know it perfectly well! And whenever I thought of that, and of how ridiculous I was to be wallowing as if I were special/different, I went on to remind myself, “Yes, but other people have moments when they FEEL that way, whereas you actually ARE that way.” This is like the dreams I have about not being able to find my high school locker, and in the dream I think, “Wait!! I have had dreams like this, and afterward I think, ‘Sure, I guess that would be a little upsetting, but if it DID happen, why wouldn’t you just go to the school office and ask for help?'” And so in the dream I try to find the school office to ask for help, and now the dream is a dream about not being able to find the school office. Thwarted on any level.
Soon we will take the twins to college. There is a large pile of college supplies building up in the dining room. I keep having to run errands to get things I forgot, or things we realized we needed, or things that had to be acquired at the last minute such as prescription refills. We thought we were all set for bedding, and then we were reviewing the college packing list and saw electric blankets are not allowed; Edward was going to bring an electric blanket, so we didn’t buy Edward a comforter; now we will need to zip out and buy Edward a comforter, and maybe also a blanket, because Edward is often chilly, which is why the electric blanket seemed like a good idea.
On one hand I am feeling pretty zippy and efficient, zipping around completing tasks bam bam bam; on the other hand, the agitation of WHAT ELSE MIGHT WE HAVE FORGOTTEN/MISUNDERSTOOD is building. This despite the fact that the twins will be in a college in a city where other people LIVE and BUY THINGS, and there is a COLLEGE BUS that travels regularly to the places where people buy things. MY BABIES: THEY WILL NOT HAVE WHAT THEY NEED AND IT WILL BE MY FAULT. I have done this twice before; why am I not more With It? At this point I am anxiety-ordering THINGS I KNOW WILL NOT ARRIVE IN TIME. I am ordering things FOR MYSELF, because I am anxiety-shopping and I need to purchase things.
I am using coping mechanisms left and right. I needed to get a refill of Elizabeth’s Epipen for her to bring to college, but it’s from a prescription I put on file (i.e., it was not yet ready to be filled, so I had the pharmacy tuck it away for later), and so I didn’t have the prescription number, so the only way to fill it was to call and talk to someone in the pharmacy…….ORRRRRRRR, wait until the pharmacy was CLOSED, and call and leave a message. (This worked.) Meanwhile the high school is sending tasks for Henry’s junior year, and I didn’t have the check-up/immunization forms I needed to submit for him (which, why don’t they automatically send them to the school after every well-child visit, since THEY ABSOLUTELY KNOW THE SCHOOL WILL WANT THEM); it theoretically would have been easier to CALL THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE AND ASK, but instead I wrote a note to the doctor’s office, put it in an envelope, and enclosed a stamped envelope addressed to the school. PERHAPS I AM HOPELESSLY DATED ON NUMEROUS LEVELS. SO BE IT. I AM GETTING THINGS DONE THE WAY I CAN GET THINGS DONE.
I remember long ago when we thought the twins would likely be our last children, and we thought that might be the best way to do it: the last two leave together, no one has to be the final child left staring at their parents across the dinner table! Now I am very glad to have one more child at home. Let’s not talk about how things will feel two years from now, when Henry has graduated high school and we are back in this similar place. I am sure it will be fine, FINE, absolutely FINE!
I am clinging to the memory of how agitated I was when Rob and then William left for college, and how relatively fine I was a relatively short time later. One of the worst parts each time was the grocery store. There are so many things no one has to put on the list because I buy them automatically. Going to the grocery store, reaching for Elizabeth’s mozzarella sticks, Edward’s granola bars, Elizabeth’s vegetarian chicken nuggets, Edward’s English muffins, and realizing we DO NOT NEED TO BUY THOSE THINGS. Well.
The first half of this is the most relatable thing I have ever read. Wow. Gonna go read it again.
I so relate to both parts of your post. I feel exactly the way you describe when I am under a cloud and My Baby (my one and only child!) is in college in NYC, where ALL FOUR of my parents live, and I supplied him as though he were going alone to the Yukon in 1837.
Edward may be able to get a waiver for his enteric blanket, if a feeling of cold is a side effect of medication he is on due his health condition.
Also, very very relatable.
Smart!
Swipe texting error: his electric blanket
So sorry you have to go through all those complicated feelings. Regarding the first paragraph: I know it doesn’t help everyone but for me personally it’s very helpful to think along the lines of „don’t be harder on yourself than you are on others / imagine you’re just a friend and would you judge that friend the same way you judge yourself“. I hope everything’s feels lighter soon.
I vividly remember the supermarket ‘I don’t need to buy that’ moments. I also vividly remember actively crying in a supermarket…
Yes! Who knew the grocery store would be such a minefield!
Then he came home the next summer and I was like, DAMN, why is my grocery bill so high.
Actual LOL This was me when Oldest went to college (and when Oldest came home for the summer)
My youngest is allergic to eggs and I’ve been consoling myself that when the last of my kids leaves for university I will at least be able to buy and cook with eggs again. Omelettes, I’ll be reunited with you in another three years!
Yep, that is where I had my worst breakdown, right in the middle of HEB when I realized I didn’t need to buy vegan cheese anymore.
I too have lots of social anxiety. I can seem very confident and outgoing, but then spend days/weeks/months (in some cases decades) mulling over everything I said that was inaccurate or might have been misconstrued or was accidentally unkind, or most commonly was just tactless as hell.
I try and balance it out by making kind/thoughtful gestures where I can. Like mentally when I have a rough time, I can also tally the times recently where I’ve gone out of my way to help or check in on someone, etc. It seems to help a little bit at least…
I can very much relate to the first part of your post. I don’t have children or a partner, but the “only I am failing so grandly on every level” feeling is very real.
Regarding the electric blanket – do they specify just the blanket? Because then you may be able to exploit a technicality, and get a heated mattress pad. This is what I use, and it makes all difference in me being able to fall asleep during colder times. I am a person that usually runs hot, yet I realised that I still can’t sleep while my body heat is sucked away to get the bedding up to a comfortable temperature (I live on the ground floor of a 100 year old building with my bedroom being the coldest room of the whole flat). The pad was bought on a whim, and I consider it one of my best purchases of the last 5-10 years, no exaggeration.
While this wouldn’t change the fact that you need to get a duvet for Edward, it would help with his feeling chilly. I also liked the suggestion someone else made above about asking for medical exemption though, I’d probably try that first. But if that doesn’t go through… technically correct is the best kind of correct.
I had the same thought as Judith about a mattress pad, plus what Blythe said about how no one is going to check.
I used to love my electric blanket, and the heated mattress pad is even better, because I can sleep with whatever blanket or duvet I choose throughout the year. I like to preheat the bed before I get in so it’s warm right away!
Sunbeam brand has been great, if you need a recommendation.
I only have experience sending the first off to college, so I don’t know how it feels to send subsequent kids, whether it’s easier or harder or just the same. Not that it’s the same for every person. I think it’s okay to feel whatever you feel.
Where I am with my eldest, as I discovered when he flew across the country with a one-way ticket a few days after his college graduation, was that the hardest part was not know WHEN he was going to come back. I was so sad for so long after he left. If I’d know he’d come back after 2.5 months, I probably would have been fine. That’s shorter than a semester. Now I don’t know when the boomerang kid is leaving and I’d like to, not because I’m eager to be rid of him, but because I just want to know what comes next, when he’ll find a job and how far from/close to home it will be.
I hope you come out of the cloud soon, but it’s still okay if you don’t.
It has been a while since I was in college, but… just because an item is “not allowed” doesn’t mean anyone will KNOW about it. I am sure they don’t go around examining beds. And if someone finds out and tells E he can’t have it, he can get rid of it! No one gets expelled for having an electric blanket.
I vote he brings it anyway.
Signed, a girl who kept an illegal cat in her room (successfully)
Ha ha, is great! But please no one tell my daughter this story!!
We are sending my oldest off to college on Wednesday. It seems impossible somehow, but here we are. Our guest room is absolutely overflowing with dorm gear and yet I keep adding more things (a door stop! An umbrella! Shoe odor absorby-things! (This kid inherited my smelly feet) more poster putty!) to my Amazon cart. She’ll only be an hour away and also is going to college In Civilization, it’s not like if we don’t have whatever item on day one she can’t get it but clearly I am shopping to soothe my soul.
I ordered an area rug that comes folded up and vacuum packed to save room in the car, and the instructions in poorly translated English included the final line of “the rug may take a day or more days to achieve its final size once you open the wrapping. Please do not be anxious about this situation.” I am now reciting ”please do not be anxious about this situation” to myself every time I peek into the guest room.
I love that translation!
Well not reading directions happens at all ages. My just turned 3 yr old starts a new preschool Monday. I started filling out the school paperwork last night and learned I have 48 hours to fully potty train him. He has never peed in the potty before and screams if you make him sit on it.
Welp. Now you know how I’m spending my weekend.
I want to know how this turned out!
You’re a hero, either way.
I’m sorry about your cloud. I would like you to know that you are such a valued member of the blogging community and a gift to all of us; you are beloved by so many, myself included.
I would also like you to know that I have been reading your blog since the twins were preschoolers, and now they are off to college. I only have the two children so I can’t speak to it directly, but my older son is leaving for university in a week, and my younger son, who is on a gap year, will be home alone. I am curious to see how things go as the two of them are as close as can be. Ever since you mentioned the twins going to college, so long ago, I wondered how it would be for Henry. So I hope you feel comfortable updating us with that experience, that is, if you want to, of course.
Hugs to you, Swistle, and remember how much we all admire and love you! xoxoxo
Hi, it’s your bff. (I didn’t get past the first paragraph…)
Lemme tell you something:
You’re not those things. No one is mad at you. No one is judging you. Everyone is faking it.
Everyone thinks everyone is doing it better and everyone is wrong.
You’re the best person I know.
I, too, am in the dark, twisty place. Remember: It lies and it’s good at it. Don’t listen.
May it pass soon.
<3 <3 <3
Swistle – I can totally relate. And I honestly, I think a great majority of women have those exact same thoughts that run through our heads. We need to figure out a way to be kinder to ourselves and put a stop to those thoughts when they occur – easier said than done, I know.
We only sent the one to college; and I would imagine it never gets any easier.
Sending hugs.
I too suffer Jerkbrain. I’m sorry yours is strong right now. Wishing you all the best as you make your way through it. Mine is cyclical; it splashes and recedes. May yours ebb quickly.
I don’t know which Mom needs to see this – but if your kid is moving into an apartment this week, GET SHOWER RINGS, LINER and a curtain now. The small college town will LIKELY be out of them! State College (Penn state) was out at every store, even teh dollar stores when my son moved in and the thought of maybe needing them never crossed my mind!
It would be nice if there were an app that showed the forecast for the weather in one’s head. Maybe if we could brace for our feelings of worthlessness and could look ahead to the end of them in X many days, it would be easier.
(Let me tell you that from the outside of your head, you are crushing it.)
My cloud is typically all about how I don’t contribute financially to the family and thus we will not be able to afford college for our children or retirement, and also, if my husband dies or leaves me, I will have destituted myself and my children because I’m a selfish, lazy jerk who could easily reach out for work if I actually cared about anyone but myself and my own “mental health.” Ahem. I suspect the feelings are similar.
Fortunately, that was last week’s cloud. This week, I have a more acute stress over my daughter’s birthday, because she wants to take her four closest friends to my FIL’s mountain cabin (about an hour away from our town) for a slumber party. I asked a friend to go with me (her daughter is one of my daughter’s best friends), but I’m horribly concerned that I made it sound like I only want her there because she has a car big enough to take all the kids (that will be very helpful, but also, enjoying drinks and conversation with my friend in a cabin up in the woods while our kids entertain themselves with makeovers and pillow fights, or whatever, sounds super fun, why couldn’t I have just posed it *that* way?!?). Also, I have to reach out to all the other moms to see if their kids can come, and I’m freaking out over how to explain it/word it so that it sounds fun AND safe AND not at all odd for a 13 yo’s birthday party to be a 24-hour slumber party/lakeside bbq in the mountains.
So you are offering multiple families 24 hours of free babysitting, and the friend who will be driving a free mini-vacation. And all of them something to point to when they worry their kids spend too much time on screens and aren’t making enough happy childhood memories. And you are worried it is too much of an imposition?
(Can my two children go too?)
Oof, the groceries realization is a hard one. But even harder is that month-ish before they go… no, scratch that, the entire gauntlet between May and September, because graduation is mighty stressful, too, and then all summer you’re thinking about/prepping for them leaving. I learned when I sent mine off for the first time last year, that GOSH I had been holding stress in my body (my back!!) for all those months, and also having stress dreams, constantly.
Maybe something to look forward to is some relief from all that. You’re doing great, and YES, getting things DONE! We’re cheering you on, Swistle! <3
That’s a lot going on! The stress of sending the twins to college is making your head spin and probably your defenses are down. Personally, I’ve noticed that the shortening of the days, even now in August, makes some sensitive brains (like mine) go a little haywire and the anxiety creeps in. Anyway, all that’s to say is that its so relatable to feel the overwhelmed and not great about oneself. ALSO, congrats on launching two more kids into college. Parents should get some kind of award ceremony when they’re kids spread their wings in these big step kind of moments.
We rather quickly went to one child at home in high school, when the middle kid decided to move across the country a few weeks after high school graduation. Oldest is at college, locally, but still college. Youngest started her junior year of high school.
The last bit of your post reminds me of my stepmother, who breaks down and cries over the raisins in the grocery store aisle because my dad was the only person in her house who liked raisins and now she never is going to buy them again. Then she reminds herself that she could buy raisins anyway if she wants to.
And now that I’m thinking about it I’m realizing that my favourite cake she bakes is a carrot cake with raisins in it and I’m wondering if it would be cheering to request it for my birthday and give her a reason to buy raisins again, or if she’d cry in the grocery store again realizing that she’s buying raisins after all, but my dad won’t be around to eat them in a cake that was one of his favourites too.
Now I’m getting verklempt thinking about raisins.
I mentioned the bit about grocery shopping to my wife, who’s the shopper in the family and she said, “Oh, the grocery store is the WORST” when a kid has left home.
Yeah that first section is SO relatable. I’ve come to the conclusion over the past couple of years that I likely have ADHD and that’s why things are harder and weirder for me. Since two of my three kids have learning disabilities that made me look into neurodivergence and see how much I relate to certain things.
We dropped our youngest off a couple of days ago. HOW FINE IS EVERYTHING OH IT IS FINE JUST FINE I AM COPING SO WELL
Sometimes your posts are so well-timed that I think “well thank you Swistle. You have now put into words how I am feeling”.
Dropped youngest off at college last week and it went ok. It could have gone much better if I had thought things through more. So now I’m at home seeing all the other college drop off pictures on social media and cataloging my regrets and should haves. I know social media is highly curated but it doesn’t really help to know that. No matter how staged the picture is, they had to do something right to get the staged picture.
I’m also trying not to buy all the things and send them to my youngest to make up for the drop off. I do have one box of stuff that accidentally got left behind so I’ll put in a few extras and then try to let my feeling of inadequacy go.
This. Send stuff that makes you feel cozy to send them. Packages post drop off > having everything perfect on drop-off day.
I take my first born baby girl to college this weekend. I think I have a cloud of denial surrounding me because it hasn’t fully hit me yet. And, today she and I went to the grocery store for just a few things, and it’s super hot, and groceries are expensive, and my youngest daughter is sick and we are all exhausted so we were snippy at each other so I thought – at least she leaves in three days! But I guarantee you, in three days I’m going to be bundled up like a baby and refusing to get out of bed because I’M NOT READY!
Emotions, thoughts, everything – it’s all hard!
I am not entirely sure that we are two different people
Thanks so much for the first part of this piece!
I was taking a Resent Bath (because, exactly, “other people are nice to their spouse, and notice their STRENGTHS instead of noticing/nitpicking their WEAKNESSES the way I seem to constantly do”…so instead of being a gracious partner, I took my resentment and huffed my way into a hot bath, demanding time to myself) and oh my gosh I can’t even explain it but I turned on my phone, and just wanted the comforting words of Swistle!!
And then it was THIS particular post. Thank you so much. You did not “spoil everything and exhaust everyone”. You uplifted me. I felt seen. <3