I was thinking today about how very many of the things I CRINGE about are the things that, when OTHER people say/do them, I totally understood what they meant and don’t give it another thought, except for the thoughts I think about how interesting that is. Like, yesterday: I was wearing a t-shirt with daffodils on it; a library patron’s little daughter said she liked my flower shirt, and her dad said something like “Oh, yeah, that’s nice, isn’t it? with the…sunflowers…on it!” He hesitated; he was uncertain; the word did not come immediately to his mind; and maybe he will NEVER THINK OF THIS INCIDENT AGAIN. Many people (hard as it may be for some of us to believe) DON’T GIVE IT ANOTHER THOUGHT when such things happen! They probably think (I am just making it up here, because I do not know from personal experience) something like, “Ha! Silly mistake! I’m sure she knew what I meant!,” and then they GO ON WITH THEIR LIVES. I’m going to pause for a moment here so we can attempt to imagine what that must be like.
Because if it were ME, I could EASILY be wincing/cringing about accidentally referring to daffodils as sunflowers, and I could easily still be doing it YEARS LATER—not, like, DAILY or anything, and not in AGONY or anything, but as part of my rotating reminders of embarrassing moments. I would be imagining the scene, with me saying my wrong thing, and perhaps I would envision myself saying it in an exaggerated SpongeBob kind of voice. You know, when I type this out, it looks simply deranged. Who would care if they accidentally referred to daffodils as sunflowers in front of someone they don’t even know? WELL THAT IS EXACTLY MY POINT: NO ONE CARES. WE ALL KNOW THEY KNOW WHAT A DAFFODIL IS. AND/OR IF THEY DO NOT, WE DO NOT MIND OR CARE. And yet! When it is me making the mistake, I wince/cringe, sometimes for DECADES, and I KNOW AM NOT ALONE! I am not saying I think that is the correct reaction, and yes I have tried therapy, I am just saying I DO sometimes have that reaction!
Oh gosh, the time a teenaged boy at the Target check-out told me to have a Happy Mother’s Day and I said “You too!” (And why SHOULDN’T he have a Happy Mother’s Day, celebrating with his mother or the other mothers in his life?) Oh no, the time the clerk at the pizza place said “Enjoy!” and I said “You too!” Oh no, the time I said that weird thing that didn’t land right, and everyone just kind of looked at me because they didn’t really get what I meant! Oh no, the time I said something that could have sounded like I meant something I would NEVER HAVE MEANT!
What I am saying to you right now is that in most cases THE OTHER PERSON MAKES NO FURTHER NOTE OF IT. Which we TOTALLY UNDERSTAND when we are the other person! That teenaged boy at the Target check-out knew exactly what happened; he did not think I thought he was a mother. The clerk at the pizza place knew exactly what happened; she did not think “WHAT?? But I am NOT going to enjoy that pizza!! SHE is going to enjoy that pizza! Her response makes NO SENSE!!” That library worker at my library (me!!) knew exactly what happened: I did not think the patron did not know what a daffodil/sunflower was, or that it mattered if he didn’t, or that any part of that interaction had any significance or importance.
And the time I was at kindergarten drop-off and I was chatting with another mom for the first time, and as we parted I said “See you later, bye!” and she said “Bye, I love you!”—well, I CERTAINLY HOPE she is not cringing years later, as I would be, because I ABSOLUTELY UNDERSTOOD WHAT HAPPENED. I think of it years later not because I am thinking “Why on EARTH would she have said she LOVED me??” or because PEOPLE REALLY DO REMEMBER YOUR MISTAKE YEARS LATER (I realize it SEEMS like I am saying people really do remember your mistake years later, since I remember this mistake years later, but stay with me), but because I feel so warmly affectionate toward her for making such a completely understandable and relatable mistake! MAY WE FEEL THAT SAME WARM AFFECTION TOWARD OURSELVES, WHEN WE ARE LYING AWAKE CATEGORIZING OUR COMPLETELY UNDERSTANDABLE MISTAKES!
It’s kind of wild how easy it is to understand/forgive someone else’s misspeak, and how hard it is to forget our own! Why are we like this.
Take heart in knowing that you are right on the cusp of the years when you won’t remember doodley-squat, and those memories of embarrassing moments are overwritten by “Dang it, what is that actor’s name?” and the like. It is no less frustrating, but much less cringe-y.
This gives me hope! In the mean time I will continue to despair over the wasted brain space full of “rotating reminders of embarrassing moments.” Because seriously, it’s been decades in some cases and it’s time to LET IT GO.
When I was in college, a classmate of mine had a rather embarrassing slip of the tongue while giving a presentation. (Think along the lines of mispronouncing “organism” as…well, you know.) Like your kindergarten drop-off example, I DO still remember it years later—but not because I’m laughing at her. It’s more like, “Oh, thank god I’m not the only one who does awkward things sometimes!”
It reminds me of this Ask A Manager letter: https://www.askamanager.org/2021/08/i-accidentally-threw-condoms-all-over-my-interviewers-desk.html
Favorite parts: “I’m going to pause for a moment here so we can attempt to imagine what that must be like.”
“You know, when I type this out, it looks simply deranged.”
Being a human is a baffling experience. I am just so happy that other humans experience the world the way I do, so that I don’t feel quite as alone in the flaming pit of past-mortification I so often find myself in.
I feel SEEN! Yes, we are always much harder on ourselves with silly mistakes than we are with others.
I come here, and I do not feel so alone. Thank you.
I feel like the sunflower/daffodil mix-up is one that my son with dyslexia could make. Like the “yellow flower section” of the brain has the names filed away and he would just access “sunflower” instead of “daffodil”.
<3
When I was in college I worked at a movie theater; we would always tell patrons to “enjoy your movie!” and usually nothing happened other than “thanks…” but occasionally people would say “you too!” and if they caught themselves and tried to correct it, I usually said something like “oh yeah, I wish I were seeing a movie! haha!”