Elizabeth and Edward both got into one of the safety schools they both applied to, and that is a huge relief: now, no matter what other colleges they do or don’t get into, they CAN go to a perfectly acceptable, relatively-reasonably-priced college.
I am trying to take the long view. I am trying very hard to take the long view. I remember this from the last two times: the decision feels SO IMPORTANT, and it IS so important—but it is impossible to know in what ways it is important. Perhaps their SOUL MATES (and potentially THE OTHER PARENTS OF MY GRANDCHILDREN) are at certain ones of these schools!! Yes, and there is no way to know which ones. Perhaps their DREAM JOBS will come from certain ones of these schools!! Yes, and there is no way to know which ones. Perhaps their LIFELONG FRIENDS are at certain ones of these schools!! Yes, and there is no way to know which ones. And so ALL of those things have to be scratched out of the equation. What matters for each twin’s choice is that the school is a perfectly acceptable school, and that we can pay for it within reason. Everything else is extra, and the luck of the draw.
One of my co-workers graduated from this same safety school the twins have both been accepted to. She went there in not-at-all-ideal circumstances: she got into her dream school, and had to transfer after freshman year because of a dramatic change in family situation/finances. She was bitter and resentful and says she was prepared to hate everything and everyone—and then she ended up loving the new school MUCH more than she’d loved her initial choice. Her daughter now goes to the same safety school under different but similarly resentful circumstances: she missed the GPA cut-off for her dream school by a tiny amount, and the school wouldn’t bend on it. Her intention was to go to the safety school for one year to bring her grades up and then transfer—but then she ended up loving the safety school so much, she stopped wanting to transfer.
Both twins find this safety school very, very boring, but I am feeling happy.
My daughter is a sophomore and starting to think about schools, and reading this made me happy. I’m glad for you that they got into a school that people love! I like to think, for my kids, that the choice isn’t SO important – that any of their choices will work out in the end.
When Oldest was applying to college I was so relived when he got into our state school. It was the school we had enough money saved for and I figured if he didn’t get into any other school or other schools didn’t offer him enough in scholarships we would still be fine. One way or another he was going to college. Palpable relief.
I went to my safety school and enjoyed it thoroughly, but still transferred to my Dream School the next year….and HATED EVERY SECOND OF IT. But felt like I couldn’t quit because it was The Very Best Dream School. Ended up having a complete anxiety meltdown and dropping out of college all together.
I just finished my Bachelor’s almost 10 years later…..at a branch campus of the original safety school. 😆 Life is weird! College is weird!
I have a friend whose parents were both grads of large/great State U. Her whole life that was her only choice for college…until she didn’t get in. She went to a satellite location intending to transfer and knew almost as soon as she started she would probably stay. She did, and met her now fiancé in her junior year…when she would have left if she had chosen to transfer. Everything works out in the end ❤️
Yes to all of this! – particularly letting go of the ‘path not taken’ mindset. You can swiftly overthink yourself into a standstill if you don’t! 🤷🏻♀️
Yay! Congrats to them both! I am loving the stories of people who loved their “second choice” schools. Hopefully the twins will bloom wherever they are planted!
That is a good feeling, I remember from when my eldest was applying to college. My youngest is a high school junior and due to health reasons is not having the kind of year academically they probably need to get into most of the schools on their list. We need to work with them on a list with more safety schools (both academic and financial).
So… my perspective on this is that there is NO SUCH THING as a soulmate. Or a soul-friend even. The people we meet are shaped by the decisions we make, sure – but there are so, so many people that we might click with or find deep relationships with. And we could meet them anywhere,
So yeah, I think the ethos of the place you choose to study is important. If you pick a conservative, religious college and you’re a left-wing feminist who burns for societal change, probably no bueno on finding kinship. Equally if it’s strait-laced science-heavy college and you’re a bit of a free-thinking creative type, maybe it’ll be harder to find like-minded folk. Buuut most colleges are big enough that there are always opportunities to find a clique that works for you.
I went to a university with only 6000 undergrads at the time (it’s since expanded a lot) – and it was great. Did I meet my future husband? Nope, I met the guy I would spend 7 years with before he rudely trampled on my heart. But I did meet 4-5 friends I would still count as some of my closest relationships 20 years later.
So yes! Long game. If your kids aren’t happy they can always transfer – but I think the possibility of happiness is there at lots and lots of colleges.
College isn’t much more than a money making scheme and unless they’re going to school for something super specialized (like medicine) it doesn’t much matter where they attend. For most people and in most fields having the degree and showing that you had the tenacity to get through those 4 years is way more important than the amount of money you paid doing it.
Wow. I loved college and hope my kids do, too. (Oldest did, middle isn’t exactly an open book emotionally, youngest is waiting to hear.)
Those are great stories, and I feel this hard. In the hopes of further confirming your conviction – my son went to a liberal arts college in New York state to play baseball, hated his coach, the team sucked, then Covid – then in his last year got a fantastic new coach, had the best pitching season of his career, made it to playoffs for the first time and beat the big team they’d never beat. Now he’s doing a masters a half hour away and is the pitching coach for his old team with the coach and one of his best friends from the team – and hell yes on the amazing lifelong friends. And my daughter went further away than she wanted for a good program, and it’s been amazing for her too.
The Atlantic had an article several years ago about a study done on college grads, measuring if they thought their college experience was worth the money and effort. The common denominators of those who were happy about their college experience were the ones who had gotten involved with some extracurricular (frats/sororities, a hobby club, really any kind of organization), and who had spent time with their professors outside of class (going to their offices for questions and discussions, etc). It had little to do with location or size or other things we might feel matter.
It is my heartfelt belief that there is no one right college for anyone, and that if a student dislikes their original choice they should feel permitted to transfer elsewhere. A friend’s son graduated in 2020, spent his first semester stuck in a dorm room with food delivery and Zoom classes, took a semester off, transferred to his second-choice school, and is now blissfully happy and has made numerous friends. But the key is that is parents did not consider that first year to be time or money wasted, and encouraged him to do what was best for himself.
The same is true for choosing a major. Who knows exactly what they want to do at 18?! Allow some wiggle room to try different classes before they pick a major, and don’t consider it a waste of money. The real waste would be a four-year degree in something they’ve grown to loathe.
They may think the college is boring now – but I have a feeling once they start (if that’s where they end up going) that may change. Congrats to them!
Congratulations to the twins!
I hope that after I post this, Swistle won’t think my subconscious is too stalkery…but I did recently have a very vivid dream that Elizabeth and Edward both got into and went to San Diego State, of all places. (very random, I know.) Also, in the dream, she revealed through a guest blog post that her real given name was “Jennefer,” spelled like that. 🤷🏻♀️
!!
Congratulations to Elizabeth and Edward. My senior got in someplace with rolling admissions and heard early enough that he was able to stop working on applications for a couple of schools that also would have been fine, but to which he felt no particular pull. Rolling admissions place is not exactly a safety — it’s pretty competitive for what he wants to study — but it admits more students than his dream school, from which he was deferred.
Still, he’s going somewhere in the fall, and we’re all happy about that.
I’m glad they both have an option, even if it’s not the most exciting one.
Hoo boy, my daughter is in grade 11 (I think you’d say she’s a “junior”?) and is seriously working on her portfolio in anticipation of applying to a couple of highly competitive programs next fall in architecture/design. She has one dream school due to a combination of reputation and extremely robust co-op program (and includes a semester at a design studio in Rome), and we toured it a year ago, but we’re going on a tour of her second choice school in March. This second choice is on the west coast and is actually more competitive to get into, but since portfolio grading is so subjective (her academic marks are excellent) it’s not a sure thing that she won’t get into choice 2 if she doesn’t get into choice 1.
The logical choice for her safety school is in our city, and she is reluctant to apply to anywhere close to home. I can’t really blame her: I didn’t apply anywhere that was closer than a 6 hour drive when it was my turn. I wanted to be close enough to road-trip home for holidays easily, but not so close that my parents could decide to just show and and surprise me with a visit.
I’m curious: does this mean there’s a chance Elizabeth and Edward end up at the same school? Is this a pro or a con as far as they’re concerned?
There’s a chance of it, yes; they’ve applied to four of the same schools. I think Edward wouldn’t mind going to the same school and might even prefer it slightly; Elizabeth would rather they go to different schools, but not to the extent that she’d let it rule out the school she wanted. (You’re right, we do call 11th graders “juniors,” though we also say “11th graders.”)
I appreciate the perspective that many aspects of a college experience can’t be known ahead of actually attending it. While the decision feels so weighty, there are many paths to a quality education and valuable life experience.
My husband and I have very different experiences. He commuted to a small college an hour away from home, was perfectly happy living at home for 4 years, and didn’t incur any debt due to scholarships. On the other hand, I needed to live away from home at that stage in life, liked my classes/professors at my big state school college just fine, and met my life long friends there.
I loved my 2nd choice school.
My first choice would have cost me the same price for one semester as my 2nd choice – with thousands in scholarships at the 1st choice. When I decided I *maybe* wanted to be a teacher?, I had to do the 2nd choice because the info would be the same, and I’d make so little as a teacher compared to the price of that 1st school.
I DID meet my spouse and BFFS and get 2degrees from my back up school… but I also live in that same city and have taken fewer career risks as a result of being so comfortable in the 2nd choice school.
My oldest is a senior and just made his decision! I wouldn’t exactly call it a “safety school,” but it is the easiest/closest/largest school he applied to, and also the one my husband went to for undergrad. It’s basically the default school, but after a lot of deliberation over the past year & visits to other campuses, he’s happy with his choice. We are trying to make sure he knows that he can always change his mind & transfer.