Paul is away for most of a week. This is the first morning, and I have been nesting. I put his towel in the laundry, for a week of not finding it spread out every morning so that it damply covers the handle of the toilet until I have to shove it out of the way. I put out a new hand towel, for a week of knowing I won’t find it on the floor, or with a glob of toothpaste on it, or with dirty smears because he just rinsed his hands a little and used the towel to wipe the dirt off or because he used it to wipe up a spill. I changed the sheets, for a week of not finding his corners pulled almost all the way off every morning. I wiped his toothpaste speckles off the mirror, and will enjoy nearly a week of the shine, without feeling resentment at the immediate reappearance of speckles. I cleaned my glasses, knowing no one will spit mouthwash into the sink so vigorously that it crests over the sides and spreads across the bathroom counter and even splatters the wall and therefore also my glasses, so that when I peer at them before putting them on I can see and feel that they are sticky with someone else’s spit-out mouthwash; and without having to think about how I have painfully raised this topic, thinking it would embarrass him, and had it result in no change of behavior, even though I feel 99.9999% of humanity would agree that the over-vigorous mouthwash-spitter is the wrong one and should stop. It’s funny how much more willing I was to pick up and throw away a piece of trash on the floor, when I know another adult didn’t walk right past it earlier. It was odd how lighthearted–cheerful, even!–I felt about clearing away another adult’s dirty cup when I knew it wouldn’t be replaced with another dirty cup.
I handled Father’s Day in my new way, which is to slightly one-up what he did for Mother’s Day. This year he said “Happy Mother’s Day!,” and he offered to make dinner but on a night we were already planning on getting pizza to celebrate Rob’s graduation, and to be fair I was the one who said I didn’t want to postpone it a week and would rather just skip it. So this year I said “Happy Father’s Day!”; and I reminded the children about it a week before; and when we were running errands on Sunday I saw a bottle of lemon cream liqueur I thought he’d enjoy trying and I added it to our basket. I didn’t plan anything ahead of time; I didn’t clean his car or do any other chores I thought he’d appreciate; I didn’t ask him how he’d like to spend the day or what he wanted for dinner, because I assumed he would do/have whatever he wanted as he does every day.
No, things are not going particularly well, I do realize that. This isn’t me saying “Marriage, amirite??” as if I think everyone’s marriage is like this. Though I’m also trying to avoid acting as if having to deal with someone else’s damp towel is the equivalent of living in inhumane and insufferable circumstances.
LET’S PLEASE TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE. I finished The Once and Future Witches, by Alix E. Harrow.
(image from Amazon.com)
I liked it. At some point fairly early on I thought to myself “I’ll bet this was written in the 2015-2020ish era,” and sure enough. There are themes about how non-men are treated by men/society, and about how culturally anything that gives non-men any power or equality (and/or protects non-men from what men would like to do) is spun as being bad/evil and in need of extraction/squashing. Witchcraft was power that was understood to be held by women and passed down by women, and so it made some men afraid/insecure, and when some men are afraid/insecure they get violent/angry toward the thing that made them afraid/insecure. ANYWAY IT WAS PRETTY SATISFYING TO READ. And it made me want to read more about witchcraft.
But it was longer than it should have been, in my opinion. I kept feeling a little burdened by how much of the book I still had left to read. I did really like it, and I WANTED to finish it, and I would recommend it; but I would also recommend getting it from the library, and giving yourself permission to do a little skimming.
I tried reading that–at someone’s recommendation, maybe?–but I just couldn’t get into it. The older I get, the easier I find it to stop reading, shrug, and move on if I’m not into a book. I might put it down for a few days and see if I feel like picking it back up, but if not, back to the library it goes.
Paul. Ugh. I’m not married, so I don’t have the personal experience, but I certainly hope most marriages aren’t like that. I’d hate to live with someone whose response to being told they are doing something that bothers their loved one is to shrug and not change at all. Not even try.
This post has me thinking with great solemnity about the destructive power of straws and papercuts. (Which, by the way, are deeply annoying/painful individually.)
I have been in a reading rut lately and I hate it. I am currently reading The Dictionary of Lost Words which is charming and full of feminist/progressive themes despite taking place in the early twentieth century and technically interesting (it is about how early dictionaries were created), but is not, for me, a page turner.
Have you found that your library work has influenced your reading style in any way?
I hope you don’t mind me butting in… I had a long reading rut (since I found TikTok at the start of covid, let’s be honest). I felt the same about TDOLW, and the book that eventually got me out of my reading rut was Apples Never Fall by Liane Moriarty. It took me a chapter or so to get started, and then I was finally wanting to keep reading!
I have also recently finished The Once And Future Witches, and I liked it but yes it was too long and mostly fairly predictable. But also, more queer than I expected, which is always a nice thing for me!
I think my marriage is just a bit better than okay (no one spits on my glasses) and I still LOVE it when my partner leaves. I LOVE only taking care of me for a bit.
I also consider my marriage better than okay. My husband is appreciative of the things I do for him and definitely tries to change his behavior if I tell him he’s doing something that bothers me. Even so, sometimes I’m amazed at how much time I spend thinking about and accommodating his (and our kids’) wants/needs/plans and how little time anyone spends thinking about and accommodating mine.
Oh man you put it into words, thank you.
My husband made a joke about how Father’s Day is mostly ignored/downplayed and my hackles went up. SIR. The amount of energy and brain space I expend EVERY DAMN DAY to make sure you feel loved and comfortable and happy.
THIS. YES. All of it. Bless you for putting it into words so succinctly and clearly.
I dunno. Same? I mean, my husband doesn’t spit on my glasses, and I’m probably (definitely) the one that is too careless with damp towels…but we are somewhere in the no man’s land between inhumane and insufferable circumstances and the kind of marriage that makes you feel like you are winning at life. And I wish the world was kinder about that situation…that there were fewer people on Twitter (Maybe this is just my corner of Twitter) ready to mock women for not automatically choosing divorce if they have any complaints about their marriage, as if the version of divorce where you both go live comfortable middle class lives in separate households and trade off child-free weeks is how it works out for everyone, and Facebook hadn’t made Mother’s Day and Father’s Day into a public game of one-upsmanship.
But to not make this about me…would it be possible to make a different bathroom in the house Paul’s? Or to fantasize about a future when that would be possible? (I am imagining you changing the locks while he is gone, and then keeping the key with you at all time…but that would probably be drastic).
My mom did this when my sister and I moved out. She claimed our bathroom as her own and left my dad to his own devices in their old one. His bathroom is decidedly ickier than hers, but in the last twenty years he;s figured some things out and takes care of it pretty well.
My dad moved to a whole different country after my brother & I had moved out (for a job, he and my mom stayed married). He loved having his own little apartment where he made all the decisions and did everything his way, and my mom loved having unilateral control of the house, and they talked on Skype and took trips together and honestly probably saved their marriage. It’s not an option for all couples obviously…but worth a try for those who can pull it off, to whatever extent they can.
(And then I meet the couples who don’t even do grocery shopping separately…and why would you do that to yourself? Except I think they genuinely enjoy that much togetherness.)
In this vein….a house separate (but near) from a longtime spouse does sound appealing, a la Frida Kahlo and Diego Rivera’s side-by-side homes with a connecting bridge
I feel this post to my core . My husband is going away for 4 days and i cannot wait. Mostly for the same reasons that i wont have to clean up after him, plus i know hes coming back so i wont be lonely i will enjoy my time. I even took 2 days off from work .
1. Completely agree about Once and Future Witches – I ADORED the cover though so I think I gave it one extra point just for that. :-)
2. Our Mother’s and Father’s Day “celebrations” sound very similar to yours. It’s…fine? We don’t really do anything for Valentine’s Day either, so it doesn’t feel like that big of a deal. It’s nice to pick dinner and know that I won’t have to change any diapers on Mother’s Day, and the school/daycare usually has the kids make something.
3. This reminds me of how my husband used to always hang his towel on the hook above mine instead of next to it. He showers first every day, so it meant I was ALWAYS coming out of the shower to a damp towel. Infuriating. Also, he does most of the household dishes but NEVER wipes the counters or stovetop. He’s like “I cleaned the kitchen!” but there are crumbs and dried-on sauce drips. It’s NOT CLEAN, MY DUDE.
The towel thing was fixed when I started hanging my towel on the shower door bar instead of the hook on the bathroom door. I have not found a solution to the crumb issue, because complaining about how something is cleaned seems like it would result in me having to be the one to clean instead. I just “finish” his cleaning, which is kind of irritating but still less work than doing it all myself.
Yes, why are the surfaces ignored? The kitchen doesn’t feel clean until the counters are clean.
Yes! Mine does this exact thing, too!! And I also end up finishing up after he declares it clean. When I can pull it off, I start the cleanup myself by putting all the dirty dishes in the sink and wiping everything down and then cheerfully announcing that I’m going to put the kid to bed and would he please finish up the kitchen. Otherwise I find myself wiping counters when I’d like to be sleeping or while I’m making breakfast in the morning.
I have three sons (14, 9, and 4) and a husband and none and I mean none of them seem to understand basic cleanliness. I second or third or quad all the others who have said (paraphrasing) what the fuck is it about not wiping surfaces??? Anyway last year I wrote this poem:
The Awakening
On a Sunday afternoon in summer
is when I feel most forlorn.
The house: a shambles,
everyone firm in their entitlement
to relax—not just relax,
but unbutton, letting all their wants
and base impulses hang out,
candy wrappers fluttering, toys tossed
harum-scarum on the floor—
nobody minding that their leisure
is my nightmare. My tenuously tethered
universe of the house, where
order and cleanliness are my Everest: wanted so badly, but only ever glimpsed.
On one Sunday afternoon in summer,
a literary memory emerges;
an idea takes form.
Like Edna Pontellier, I leave my family
and head toward the water,
hers being the ocean; mine, a 10-foot-wide, 30-inch-deep Intex prism frame pool.
As I step into the water’s cool comfort,
I realize I am no Edna.
I do not feel enslaved by my children;
merely harassed. Relentlessly, true,
but it’s not their fault. Their young brains cannot yet fathom mine, this tangle of neurons created by grief, and pain, and joy. Still, the water calms me.
Like Edna, I remain until my arms ache
and give out, except instead of swimming away from life, I am scooping acorns
into a net, which have tumbled in
during last night’s storm.
I’m giving all my energy to the task,
feeling all my resentment fade
into delicious fatigue,
only my aim is not to disappear, but to clear the pool, so that
later, my family might join me.
That’s beautiful, Erin. Now I want to reread the Awakening! Okay, the last pages anyway. ;)
Erin,
I love your poem so much! Thank you for posting it. 🙌
This morning when I was making my solo breakfast (a little pleasure in life with a husband & 2 teens in the house) I noticed chocolate crumbs on either side of the sink…on the breakfast bar…basically on every counter AND the floor. But somehow no one else could see them???
You didn’t “CLEAN THE KITCHEN” you “loaded the dishwasher” which is FINE. And important work that needed to be done for our family, but it’s not the first thing, it’s the second.
Hmph
I have so much empathy for this state of things. We’re not there now (mine’s on paternity leave for 12 weeks and carrying the mental and tangible load for the weekly schedule, all food, and the preschoolers—I have the mental load for the baby, the daily schedule, and the bills) but we have been there, repeatedly.
I just wanted to mention that my therapist said, Blame is the noise your brain makes when you are not getting your needs met. It’s not always accurate or completely meaningful (though with the mouthwash, omg it sure can be!), the same way suicidal thoughts are the noise your brain makes to ask for help in treating depression. It needs to be addressed! But the topic of the thoughts may not lead to the outcome that actually fixes things and meets your needs.
For example, if you are a sleepdeprived new mom who thinks “My husband needs to do more!!!” that may be true, or it may simply be true that you need to do less, or to get more help elsewhere, or to sleep more and have time unburdened and make sure you belly laugh once a week. Possibly your partner needs to do more! But DEFINITELY you need to get your needs met.
You deserve to have your needs met. You are a person worthy of being treated with respect, admiration, and consideration. (Consideration is hard work. It isn’t optional, Paul!)
Anyway, that was my therapist for my situation, not y’all’s, but I wanted to share in case it was useful advice for anyone else.
My brain also uses blame as its go-to. Other-blame and self-blame, interestingly. So I mix it up with alternating rage ‘n’ guilt. So delightful.
Yep. That’s me. Such a wonderful mental state.
This is exactly the kind of thing my therapist says too! And then I say that I can’t meet my own needs and then she tells me all the ways that I can and often she’s right…
I have thought about this comment so much since I read it several days ago and I’m sure I will be thinking about it for years to come. Thanks for writing it!!!
Thanks for being so open about your (perhaps comparitively small) frustrations in marriage. I feel similarly, in predictably fluxuating ways, about all the small ways resentment can build over time.
Ugh, I’m sorry Swistle, it sounds like things are Not Good right now, and I’m sending you virtual hugs. xo
I’ve been reading both of your blogs for a long time now. Something that I’ve noticed about you — it’s most obvious in the posts where you relay speaking to your kids about important things — is that you seem to have high emotional intelligence. Paul … well, let’s say that it seems to me that he does not. At all. I don’t have a solution for that. (Not that you’re asking for one.) But I agree with the poster who says you’re not getting your needs met. The only thing I can say is I would really recommend therapy. I did three years of therapy (before I was married) and it did actually change my life. I actually went into it thinking I didn’t need therapy but sort of just trying it because I didn’t know what else to do. But I found a great therapist, and she helped me see things more clearly and to learn strategies to deal with issues. Something to consider anyway. (Oh, also, try an osteopath for your knees. I was having a knee issue — felt like being stabbed — and the osteopath worked on my back and it fixed my knee. Could be a symptom of something bigger.)
A couple of years ago our oldest was evaluated at her school, and they told us she had indications of having some executive function deficits. So I started reading up on it, and yeah…that describes basically my entire family, to the point that it is just what I thought people were like (reading up on it also gets you into the ties to ADHD or autism…but that’s a whole other conversation). The mindlessly putting things down on the first available surface, the inability to track how much time is passing, the obliviousness, the looking at a messy house and thinking “this is impossible, we should just burn it down and start over.” And I am pretty sure all of things things register to my husband as a lack of consideration, and the fact that he now lives with me and two children who are very much like me has him at his wits end. I am still trying to figure out what I can do about it. Obviously, it is not acceptable to just shrug and decide he needs to spend the rest of his life picking up after us or dealing with our clutter. But sharing a house also means I can’t go back to what worked for me in the past – like in college when I only had one bowl, one plate, and one set of silverware so I COULDN’T fall behind on dishes. I really feel very stuck. Maybe when the kids are older I will get a handle on it. Or I think my current plan is to just leave the house as much as possible. My husband likes when I get the kids out of the house, and then neither they or I mess it up…but now I’m spending to much money on all these trips out. (I guess the point of this is that people have limitations, and the limitations effect the people they love and those people aren’t by any means required to just put up with it…but also their ability to overcome those limitations and their love for the people the limitations effect is only semi-related, at best).
Have you read Smart, but Scattered? I’m reading it now to learn how best to help my daughter, but it was recommended it to me by an adult who utilized the strategies to help herself.
…ordering that book now…
Thanks for the recommendation! I am trying to read all the books.
I understand very much how you feel. Tish Harrison Warren just wrote a very good article in the New York Times about marriage that was very helpful to me. My own marriage has ups and downs, but it’s been down for a long time now. But I’m accepting where it is. Life is long, maybe it will get better. I’m focusing on other things right now. Recently, husband went away in a business trip for the first time since the pandemic and it was as glorious. Enjoy it.
We recently had some family members visit, who we have not been around much. The father in their family appears to do most of the parenting, the cooking, the housework/organizing, the deciding… I caught myself thinking “wow, that’s a lot for one person, I hope his health is ok” and then I thought WAIT, he is only doing what literally millions of moms do and have done for decades and scores and hundreds of years. Still, somehow I was concerned that he was doing too much!
I’m sorry you’re in this situation, Swistle. I have been married 22 years, and recently have been seeing videos about “dating in your forties” and I think dear god, no, who the hell wants to have another man? After mine dies or whatever, I fully intend to join the Swistle commune.
I didn’t do this intentionally, and frankly I suppose I was rather thoughtless, but after my stepfather’s funeral I was sitting around with my mom, her friend, and my cousin and we were all vehemently asserting we would NEVER get married again (mom is widowed, her friend divorced, and my cousin separated, so I was the only one with an “if something happened to my husband” caveat) and citing facts like how marriage shortens women’s life expectancy, and this whole conversation was within earshot of my husband. I’ve had some issues with him in the last while and been getting pretty grumpy about certain behaviours within the last year or so in particular, but since he overheard that conversation he has really pulled up his socks a lot. I mean, he still has some pretty awful moments, but overall he’s made an effort lately that I hadn’t seen him make in a long time.
I think I might need to write my own post about this very thing; just so I won’t high jack your post. But, c’mon! What the actual hell is it about (most – or ALL of them that I have encountered anyway) men and towels? Or water/mouthwash spit/toothpaste smeared all over the mirror and counters?
We do not have a convenient wall to hang our hand towel in our bathroom. I always ensure that the towel is folded in the center between the two sinks. I think it is physically IMPOSSIBLE for this man I married to actually neatly fold the towel and return it where it belongs.
At this point in our marriage, if I have cleaned the guest bath for company, he is now FORBIDDEN to go into that room for ANY reason. Because if he’s allowed in there prior to company – the towels would be askew and soaked, the mirror would be COVERED in water flecks and, miraculously, somehow that empty trash can would be over flowing.
Some days I think, he just doesn’t know how lucky he is that I have buried him in the back yard yet.
We too don’t have a hand towel hanger, and we got a stand thing shaped like a T. It holds two hand towels so I get my own and he can do whatever he wants with his. We have a strict separation of sink sides and it’s like a divider. Highly recommend this.
Seconding someone else who suggested that Paul use a different bathroom for his chaotic ablutions. If he thinks that is inconvenient, try spitting on his glasses.
Chaotic Ablutions is my new band name.
I completely understand the Paul situation, I’m in the same boat as well. And I would absolutely 100% never get married again, either. I appreciate hearing from other people that feel the same way.
This may be a stupid/obvious solution, but have you considered keeping your glasses in your bedroom, on the dresser? I just got an adorable eyeglass holder shaped like an owl that I keep on my dresser (https://www.naturallife.com/products/owl-eyeglass-holder?variant=40747388108973), so it looks like the owl is wearing the glasses. It makes me happy when I see it. It might lessen your annoyance with the mouthwash situation. (Not that you should have to change your routine to avoid having him SPIT ON YOUR GLASSES, but I’m just dealing with reality here. )
I went down the “sleep divorce” rabbit hole after reading this ridiculous article: https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-10935181/Carson-Daly-48-reveals-wife-Siri-sleeping-separate-beds.html
It makes me wonder if there’s such thing as a “bathroom divorce?” I have a separate vanity area and a separate bed and I’ll never go back to sharing. Perhaps with children leaving the nest and the bigger house some space can be made for (I love this phrase) extreme ablutions?
…”chaotic ablutions” ha!
this is how much I relate to being home without a husband. The month, my husband had surgery and was hospitalized for 11 days due to complications. I was so grateful to leave him cared for and return to my clean and quiet home. I never turned on the tv for 11 days, I organized the garage and part of the kitchen, I washed every single item of clothing he owns and went to bed tired and completely luxuriating in the quiet.
I am feeling so fried by everything that I don’t know how I feel about my spouse, but I am quite sure he is not making me feel better about anything. My kids have all had moments of being great (and moments of making me wonder if I have done enough to make them understand what it means to do your share of emotional labor consistently).
I booked a couple of college tours for the youngest and figured either my spouse would go away for a few days (rah!) or I would get away for a few days with a kid I feel OK about (rah).
Yes, I am speaking in terms of getting away from my spouse. Would I feel this way about a different spouse? Dunno.
Odds are very good that you would feel the same with ANY spouse.
That’s sort of a good news/bad news situation, I guess: I didn’t choose the wrong guy. I chose the wrong domestic commitment.
I feel as though residents of the Swistle Commune will understand when I say, “I’m going to live someplace that isn’t here. I need a break” as needing a break, not Hating You All. So that will be better, at least.
Once again one of your posts is so timely. The marriage struggle is occurring in my life rn because we are in a place of transition: Oldest got home from college in early June and is now working at overnight camps all summer. Oldest is away M-F and home Saturday and Sunday then away again and it’s going to be that way all summer. The effect is that the whole family is in a nearly constant state of transition and it’s causing friction. We are so happy to have Oldest home, but the home-and-then-away every few days is difficult to navigate and it seems to have put everyone (particularly my husband) off their game. I had to tell H the other day to go and apologize for snapping at Oldest or, if not, then not to be surprised when Oldest moves 3,000 miles away and never comes home to visit, which I’m pretty sure H would be sad about when it’s already too late (ask my how I know this is how it will go down if H doesn’t stop barking at Oldest and never apologize).
I’ve loved that H and I have have been able to WFH since March 2020, but this summer I’m starting to feel less sad about the fact that I will be required to go back to the office FT at the end of September. I will be sad to miss picking up Youngest from school every day but I’m afraid I’m reaching the end of my tolerance for daily mess and friction.
I have been in a reading rut since covid (something about frantically checking the news all the time ruined my attention span for books) but I just read the new Emily St. John Mandel book, Sea of Tranquility, and it is WONDERFUL. It is pandemic-adjacent which may not be for everyone at this particular moment (too soon?) but it’s not really ABOUT a pandemic, if that makes sense. I have loved all her previous books and loved this one just as much or maybe more.
My husband and I sleep in separate rooms (he snores, I am a toss-and-turner). We have one bathroom in our house, downstairs, next to his bedroom. My bedroom is upstairs. We are adding a bathroom to the upstairs, so that I don’t have to stumble downstairs in the middle of the night.
I am looking forward to the safety component, but I am looking forward EVEN MORE to having my own bathroom and not dealing with his spittle and whisker hairs.
It’s not about witchcraft, but her book The Ten Thousand Doors of January, has a similarly pro-women vibe and I loved it! I agree this one could’ve used some more editing/been streamlined, but The Ten Thousand Doors of January was delightful!
For books I want to read, but struggle to stick with, I find audiobooks to be a great solution. I loved both A Man Named Ove and Anxious People when I was listening to them as I drove, did dishes, hung out laundry, but neither was a book I could sit down and read.
I love the Swistle community! Everyone on here who shared their own stories – thank you. I think it’s a tough transition time for all marriages when the kids are preparing to move out and you have to figure out what the next phase is going to look like. I’m also in the same boat – my husband traveled a lot over the past two years and I have noticed that him being away is better than him being here – I just relax and my resentment over cleaning and tidying seems to vanish because I’m not constantly fretting over the way he gets off scot free from doing tasks like this. And it’s become clear that with the kids heading off to university that he’s really looking forward to the retirement years – when he will be able to relax and pursue hobbies and travel while continue to be cleaned up after and served dinner.
It certainly brings up a lot of questions about what you want your post-kids life to look like and what you are and are not willing to stand for. I’m starting to feel a little jealous of my aunt who was married, but whose husband died young (while they were in their 50s) and so has lived a delightful life of exploration and joy and deep friendship and laughter for the past 40 years. That can’t be a good thing, right?
I find myself in the weird space where I don’t wish my husband ill and I don’t want my kids to have to commute between two households, but also living with this guy all day, every day, forever, makes me feel totally defeated. And I know a plan for us to spend blocks of time apart would make him sad. Not sad enough that he would cut down on the annoying behaviors or general clinginess, but sad enough that we’re veering into the sort of Paul around Valentine’s Day territory, where somehow he manages to make it his wife’s responsibility to make him feel better about being, FOR DECADES, the sort of spouse from whom a generally empathetic wife wants a series of regular, sizable breaks.
I have a friend who is divorced with kids and they own a duplex so they both have their own spaces, but the kids just go back and forth (and each has a bedroom in one of the apartments, so like older kid in mom’s apartment and younger kid in dad’s). I kind of love this idea, personally.
Maybe his sadness over your completely natural and human need for some time for yourself is something he could talk about with a therapist? I mean I know, fat chance of that probably. But I wouldn’t think you need to feel obligated to be endlessly available to listen to his feelings about this if he’s not making an effort to work on those feelings in an actually constructive way.
I don’t know Swistle, I feel like the past years, your stories about Paul have become… very sad. Like I consistently see him not try hard for you at all, rather only make things harder for you and that’s not fair. The recent bringing COVID into your house due to his decision to stop wearing masks, which he hid from you… such a violation in being “teammates” in your partnership.
I am sorry that things are not in a good place with you and Paul right now. My marriage has been in a similar spot and it is really tough. I think one of the things that makes this type of dynamic so difficult to change is because we can convince ourselves that the relationship is tolerable as is. In my case there was no abuse, no infidelity and we mostly went about the routine of work and kids with a facade of pleasantness. However underneath that there was no joy, no emotional connection and tons of small choices compounded over the years that made each of us feel like the other didn’t care. Therapy was the big game changer for both me personally and our marriage.
If it’s at all possible to find a therapist you can talk with, I really encourage you to do so. You’ve been through a lot the past few years and you deserve to have safe space to process everything and figure out what YOU want.
A couple of nice things (I think) I have noticed about Paul & Swistle’s marriage over the years (that in no way are meant to minimize Swistle’s frustrations, or mean that she must decide anything one way or another, or anything at all except that if it were me, I think I would want the nice things mentioned too)
1) More overlap in values than not.
2) They seem to be able to have interesting conversations about things they are interested in.
3) Swistle mentioned Paul reading to her before bed once, which is honestly more romantic than my husband & I have been able to pull off at any point in our relationship.
4) I could be wrong about this, but I have never noticed any indication that Paul is critical or belittling or resentful in the way so many men are. My guess would be that his opinion of Swistle is very high (which it should be) even if he fails to show that by being considerate as a housemate. I also don’t remember any stories of unfair criticism of the children, which again, seems to be about 90% of other womens with teenage children’s complaints about their husbands.