This morning on Life of a Doctor’s Wife, she did a post called Keto Favorites. I began to leave a comment with my own favorites. By the time I started the fifth paragraph, I was wondering if perhaps this was a “Get your own blog” type of situation. Remember a long time ago, in earlier blogging times, when a bunch of bloggers would all do a post on the same topic? Let’s pretend this is in that era, and so I am writing on THE SAME TOPIC as Suzanne, with at least some of the same headings! Those of you who ARE interested in keto foods will have TWO recommendations to look at for each category! And those of you who are not interested in keto stuff can click gratefully away, because there isn’t going to be anything else in this post.

I would like to lead off by saying that most of the following items are Startling Expenses. (I just re-read that post and am enjoying this line: “The annoying thing about my late mother-in-law is not that she’d spend $100 more on sheets while not wanting to pay 15 cents more on tomato sauce; the annoying thing is that she would think everyone who didn’t make the same set of decisions must be an idiot.”) I think it’s safe to assume most of us have participated in Restricted Eating of one kind or another and, at least for me, the thing about Restricted Eating is that at first I hear recommendations for treats that fall within those restrictions, and I add them to the shopping list, and then I find them and I think “TWO DOLLARS PER SAD SERVING????” and I absolutely HUFF OFF. And then X amount of time later, there I am trying them anyway, because I am so desperate to find a substitute for whatever it is the particular restricted-eating plan doesn’t allow. And then I get used to paying that price, and I forget it was so startling, and I go right ahead and recommend it to others for when they reach that breaking point.

Okay, let’s see—Suzanne began with YOGURT, which I had nothing to say about in the comment I was originally writing, but now I feel compelled to match. I did eat some yogurt for awhile, when I was feeling rather ill, but I can’t remember the circumstances, and it’s puzzling because normally if I were ill I would not want dairy. Maybe it was when I was going back on keto after a long absence? I’ll bet that was it. I’m sorry, this is already such a boring story, I will try to get us out of it as quickly as possible. All I remember is that it was a plain unsweetened whole-milk Greek yogurt that had very few grams of carbohydrates per serving, and I put a few mashed blackberries into it, along with some artificial sweetener, and it was nice.

Next: BREAD! My favorite keto bread (1 gram net carbohydrates per slice) requires a financial leap of faith unless you live in the small area of the country where it is sold in stores; otherwise it has to be ordered online in a 2-pack or 3-pack. Also: it involves wheat gluten, which is apparently Very Controversial! (Some people say REAL keto involves NO WHEAT PRODUCTS, but that segment has not managed to make their view universal.) Also, it is white bread, which might not be satisfying. Still: I make grilled cheese sandwiches with this bread and a lot of butter and cheese, and I have waking stress dreams that I am accidentally eating actual bread. (It is not as good as actual bread. But it is CLOSE, especially if you have not had actual bread for awhile.) It is Franz Keto bread, and I buy it on Amazon, and they also have hot dog buns and hamburger buns which makes eating hot dogs and hamburgers WAY, WAY MORE LIKE EATING HOT DOGS AND HAMBURGERS (I buy the one-pack-of-each option, because I don’t go through the buns anywhere near as quickly as I go through the bread) (I am on my THIRD 3-pack of the bread, while still on my FIRST pack each of buns). [Update: I have now tried the Keto Culture bread, which looks very much like the Franz Keto bread, enough that I assume the intent is deception, and is sold at Walmart—and it is good, indistinguishable from Franz Keto, and I can get it for $6-something per loaf.]

(image from Amazon.com)

I have also tried the Kiss My Keto variety pack breads. These would be an option if you want heartier, less-white breads—but be forewarned that the slices are SO SMALL. Like, when I first saw the size of the slices, I felt I’d been ripped off. I did adjust, especially when I resentfully made TWO tiny sandwiches because the slices were SO TINY, and found I actually only wanted one sandwich: the bread may be tiny, but it is nice and filling.

Next Suzanne covers PIZZA and TORTILLAS. I share her feelings about keto pizzas. There are some that are even pretty okay, but you can only have such a small amount. What I do now is wait for my days off, and eat pizza then. (We have a place near us that sells pizza by the slice, which is perfect for this.) Or I’ll budget for half of a Quest Supreme pizza (I add more pepperoni and cheese). Or I make a pizza omelet. Or I make pizza on a tortilla, like she does. I don’t have any strong opinions about tortillas, and am planning to try the ones she mentions.

(image from Target.com)

CEREAL! For awhile I was CRAVING cereal, and at that time I went through quite a bit of Schoolyard Snacks cereal (I apologize in advance for their website, which is OBNOXIOUS and has a very scammy vibe), especially the peanut butter flavor. I used unsweetened vanilla almond milk, and added a bit of artificial sweetener, and found it delicious once I got past the initial adjustment to it (at first it seemed kind of disappointing and sad). However, now I’ve been OFF my cereal kick, and/or willing to wait until the next day off so I can eat regular cereal.

ICE CREAM! My FAR AND AWAY favorite is the Rebel brand, if you can find it in your area. I especially appreciate that they put the number of carbs PER PINT rather than PER SERVING; I feel lovingly seen. I love most of the flavors I’ve tried (mint chip, cherry chip, triple chocolate, butter pecan, coconut almond swirl; the final two have lots of little nut pieces in them, so they’re nice and filling if you want sweet AND you’re hungry), and I keep a pint of each of my favorites in the freezer so I can pick what I’m in the mood for at the particular moment. By the way, the Coconut Almond Swirl means CHOCOLATE swirl!! They should make a bigger deal out of that! I would not have thought there’d be chocolate in it! CHOCOLATE MAKES A HUGE DIFFERENCE IN WHAT I THOUGHT THE FLAVOR WOULD BE. It has lots of little bits of almond in it, plus a CHOCOLATE swirl.

(image from rebelcreamery.com)

CANDY! My current favorites are: Reese’s Zero Sugar Miniatures, York Zero Sugar Peppermint Patties, and Atkins Caramel Nut Chew Bars.

(image from Target.com)

SAUCES! Paul makes me a sauce of mayonnaise, mustard, creamy horseradish sauce, and sriracha. I use it on tons of stuff but especially with chicken and pork chops and steak. He deliberately makes it so that it’s a little different each time, which is nice. I have made it myself, but I am struggling to remember even the basic proportions. It is SOMETHING LIKE: quite a bit more mayo than you might think; about as much mustard as mayo; smallish amounts of horseradish and sriracha. Mix it all together in an empty mustard bottle. Make sure you get the CREAMY horseradish or it will keep clogging up the mustard bottle’s spout.

I also pretty frequently use Ken’s Creamy Caesar dressing as a sauce.

DRINKS! Suzanne mentions having Bubly water instead of wine. I would have gin or vodka or bourbon or tequila, all of which have zero carbohydrates, thinned out with diet Coke or diet Sunkist or diet root beer or something, I’m not picky. But I also do drink a fair number of flavored seltzers. Oh also! Speaking of Pitiful Treats, I will buy the Sparkling Ice brand of highly-flavored, artificially-sweetened sodas (they call themselves “naturally-flavored sparkling water,” and I am not sure when something ceases to be sparkling water and becomes soda, but I’d say these have crossed that line). They’re like a dollar each, which makes them feel Special.

(image from Target.com)

CHIPS! Suzanne mentions not being able to find a good tortilla chip, and I have not been looking for tortilla chips, but thought I would comment on chips in general. For side-dish chips (especially alongside a grilled-cheese sandwich), I like the Quest chips, especially the Nacho flavor—but they are 4g per bag, so then I tend to eat just half a bag, which is okay, because they are so expensive. Another expensive option is the aforementioned Schoolyard Snacks, which in addition to cereal makes cheeto-like puffs, which are 2g per bag. (Again, apologies in advance for their DREADFUL site, which is so flashy and distracting and scammy-looking I can barely focus long enough to place an order; honestly, I have been there several times this week trying to order more cheese puffs, and I just can’t get past the flashing and pop-up videos and the “Are you still there?” that scrolls across the tab. I would not have originally been willing to order from them except that I did, and it all worked out fine. And don’t be swayed by their “free $10 gift card with order!!” thing: unless things have changed since my last order, the card expires at the end of the same month you placed your order, even if you ordered on, say, the 26th—but even if you ordered on the 3rd, would you really be placing another order so soon? Just pretend the gift card doesn’t exist. Anyway I wish Quest or someone would make something similar so I could buy that instead.)