For the wedding present, I chose Girl Scout cookies. I liked a LOT of the suggestions in the comments, and had a wonderful time reading all the stories and considering all the options. In the end I chose Girl Scout cookies because they seemed light and fun and quirky, which also describes my cousin and her husband and their wedding; and because it felt Just Right for the relationship I have with this cousin; and also because I just WANTED TO and the idea made me feel happy. The cookies are on their way to them, and I feel bouncy and excited for them to arrive. I had planned to buy them some window prisms as well, but it felt like the combination reduced the gift rather than adding to it, for reasons I couldn’t put a finger on; and it didn’t matter much so I just didn’t buy the window prisms. I highly enjoy these sorts of low-pressure gift-giving occasions, where I feel free to follow whims.
A few of you mentioned that you would never have thought to give a wedding present for an elopement and asked if that was weird/wrong, and I have puzzled over that for several days now, wondering which of us is the weird one, and I’ve decided it’s Neither of Us, Really, but specifically it’s Not Me. They still got MARRIED! That’s a HUGE DEAL and a MAJOR LIFE EVENT and something to celebrate! If I don’t send a gift, and it’s because they eloped rather than having a wedding for me to attend, that seems like it oddly prioritizes The Wedding Event over The Marriage, when I am pretty sure we’ve all agreed it’s the other way around.
I wonder if “elopement = no gift” comes from the more general ruling on whether a person is OBLIGATED to get a wedding gift: I know that if you go to someone’s wedding, etiquette absolutely insists that you bring a gift; and that if you are not invited to the wedding and/or do not attend, etiquette does NOT insist that you send a gift. Perhaps that morphed into an idea of no wedding = no gift. Except…an elopement is still a wedding! So then we’re back to the wedding gift being an item the couple receives not because they got married but because they threw an expensive party. Which doesn’t seem right.
It may also come from a difference of feeling about gift-giving in general: if it’s about what ETIQUETTE demands, then I agree: no obligation to send a gift for an elopement. But my motivation wasn’t etiquette, or obligation: it was that I was excited about the significant life event, and I wanted to celebrate it with a gift. Sending a gift is a way to say you’re happy for someone, and/or at a minimum (such as in a situation where you don’t think they should have married this person) that you acknowledge the significance of what has happened. This is one reason that, although of course I want very much to get them something they WANT and LIKE and WILL USE/ENJOY, I don’t WORRY so much about that aspect: PART of the point of the gift is to add to their possessions, but another HUGE part of the gift is to give them…well, “positive feedback” doesn’t feel quite right, but in another way it’s EXACTLY RIGHT. The gift gives them positive feedback. It says “Yay!” and “Your friends/family rejoice with you!” and “I have seen your news and agree it is cool/good/significant!” It is like clicking “like” and “care” and “wow” and “love” all at the same time on someone’s Facebook post, but more expensively!
This reasoning is exactly why I feel so strongly about baby showers for subsequent babies. I am excited that my friend is having a baby! I want to buy this baby a present and have a party! It’s not like we refuse to go to birthday parties for second, third, etc children. I have never understood the vitriol against baby showers for additional babies.
Yes! Very few of us are having baby showers because we need help preparing for the baby anymore. And the easy solution to the “oh my God I already have all the baby stuff. Please do not give me more baby stuff” is to theme the party around something you always need more of. Mine was books. (We cloth diapered.)
I love the vibe behind, “I’ve decided it’s Neither of Us, Really, but specifically it’s Not Me” and plan to use that as a response (probably mentally) to all sorts of situtations in life.
I love this so very much: “ The gift gives them positive feedback. It says “Yay!” and “Your friends/family rejoice with you!” and “I have seen your news and agree it is cool/good/significant!” It is like clicking “like” and “care” and “wow” and “love” all at the same time on someone’s Facebook post, but more expensively! “
And the GS cookies sounds PERFECT. I loved ALL of your ideas and it was such fun to read everyone’s suggestions!
I gave my brother in law and his new wife an engagement gift and another gift after they eloped. Sure, we weren’t invited to any party, but the message I wanted to convey is WE ARE HAPPY FOR YOU. I think social obligation doesn’t capture the complicated family dynamics. We are significantly older than my husband’s brothers so neither of them bought us gifts when we got married, and likewise I married in my 20s and have friends getting married now in their late thirties now and early 40s (who were broke the or tacked their name on a family gift). There’s an asymmetrical relationship to gift giving, and I’ve just accepted it. Etiquette, I think, attempts to make expectations clear in “regular” social situations, but it’s not great for helping us comb through nuances, complexities, and complicated familial situations.
Oh, I was WONDERING! The Girl Scout cookies – great idea and sounds perfect!!!
It didn’t strike me as strange at all that you would buy a gift for an elopement. It seems to me that your love language, if I may borrow a pithy term, is gift giving. So I think that’s perfect. Also, I agree that it is a lovely life event, and cause for celebration and congratulations, and a gift is a wonderful idea.
During this pandemic time, it seems like an elopement is actually a really kind thing to do, in terms of not having a super-spreader event that people may feel pressured to go to when perhaps they aren’t comfortable. So, I say celebrate! Yay! Yes to celebrating the MARRIAGE, and not just the wedding day.
Speaking of etiquette, I would love to ask a question. This post couldn’t have come at a better time. I recently gifted a family member a significant amount of $ who has a wedding coming up that I’m unable to attend. She thanked me for the card but not the $(gift), as if she was offended maybe? I can’t figure it out – her not mentioning it. Trying to let it go…
She may not know how to mention it, or may have used “the card” as a euphemism. I grew up with the etiquette that for a $ gift you refer to it as a “generous gift” and leave it at that.
I agree with BSharp. By “card” she likely meant “the card with the generous check inside.” I used similar phrasings in my own wedding thank-you notes. Somehow saying just plain “thanks for the cash” felt like it would be a bit blunt or money-grubbing, when I really wanted to express thanks for the person’s thoughtfulness and kindness. So I expressed thanks for the physical object they sent, and all the well-wishes it represented, rather than acting like I was super excited just to get money.
I agree with everyone else! I remember being seriously flummoxed about how to politely thank for cash/check—because it felt so WEIRD to say, like, “Thank you for the check/money!” or whatever. (I asked and/or looked it up in Miss Manners, and got the “generous gift”-type phrasing BSharp mentions, combined with advice to say how you intend to spend it, if you know, or a more general happy remark about looking forward to finding just the right thing, if you don’t know.) My only worry would be that maybe she didn’t RECEIVE the money somehow?—but I don’t think anyone writes a thank-you note for a wedding card, so I think that is just my Fretful Anxiety.
When I was growing up, I saw a lot of advice on being deliberately oblique when acknowledging gifts of money, with suggestions like, “Thank you for remembering us” or “the very thoughtful card” or “your generous gift.” My assumption wouldn’t be one of shame or bitterness, but perhaps receiving similar “guidance” that says acknowledging monetary gifts in specific terms would be rude or tacky and trying to thank you in the way they think is most polite.
Without a doubt, even with an elopement, I would send a gift of some sort – particularly, if it was a close friend/family member. In fact, I sent wedding gifts to both children of a co-worker simply because I’d practically followed along, from a distance, as they grew up while we worked together. And I wasn’t invited to either wedding. And it did not matter. I was so happy for these kids and their mom. Because Wedding or Elopement – both are a big and significant reason to celebrate…even from a distance.
I think that there’d be no hard-and-fast rule for me for whether to send a gift for an elopement. I haven’t fully though it out but maybe a useful guideline for me might be: If I invited you to my own wedding (or I would have had I known you then like I know you now), I’d feel inclined to send you gift. I’m thinking maybe flowers, possibly plus cash, depending on the circumstances.
I would give an elopement gift for EXACTLY that reason. It doesn’t feel like a transactional ‘you paid for me to attend your wedding so I owe you this’ thing to me, it’s a celebration of their married life. But I think it’s super subjective and depends on personal relationships etc.
Also YAY for Cookies! I’m a leader to a troop of 9th graders, who have been together as a troop since kindergarten. At a training session I went to this weekend, someone called it “Post-apocalypse training and treats!”
I’m so excited you sent the Girl Scout Cookies! If you were to ask me to choose savory vs sweet treats as a gift I would almost always choose savory, the exception to that being GIRL SCOUT COOKIES. So yummy and feels special since they are only available once a year.
I also like to think if we are keeping the ledger of kind vs rude behavior, gift giving for an elopement gives you zero rude points for not sending and double kind points for sending.
I agree with everyone’s replies to Leigh about the thank you note and will add that some people are just terrible thank you note writers. I remember feeling overwhelmed and sometimes annoyed with the task of writing thank you’s after my wedding even though I was sincerely thankful for the gifts. It could be that your family member wrote the note when they were tired or had already written many thank you’s and unfortunately did not do their best work in conveying their gratitude.
I don’t necessarily hate etiquette as a whole thing, but I have a bit of a knee-jerk reaction against the concept, just because it seems to take the – I don’t know, the natural emotion, the wacky humour, the unmediated humanity – out of things. I agree with you – I want to send someone a gift because I’m HAPPY for them, not because “etiquette” dictates what I should do. There was a thing going around a few years ago about a bride who sent a letter to a guest objecting to the gift given and saying the guest should have given an envelope of cash instead and some people I knew WEREN’T aghast at that and I was aghast that they weren’t aghast. I also invited my friend’s brother and his wife to my wedding, very much on the understanding that people had cancelled too late so we had empty chairs and meals to be eaten, and they gave us some money and I was upset because I very much hadn’t intended for them to feel obligated, but then felt kind of dumb about that, so I got them a really nice baby gift (she was pregnant) instead of giving the money back, which felt tacky. Ugh, why are there so many ways to feel like we screw up every possible interaction ever?