So, update: possibly I hate yoga! And also: I would like to know how many hours, exactly, women are expected to spend per day on exercise and self-care? Because it seems as if men are not expected to “””take time for themselves””” in this PARTICULAR way (which just COINCIDENTALLY has an ABSOLUTELY COINCIDENTAL SIDE EFFECT of working to shape women’s bodies for men’s preferences), and it seems as if this gives men a lot more free time to start wars and harass/assault women and take away rights and so forth! Not that I think that if women get that time back by discontinuing our 11 steps to perfect summer eyebrows, we should use it to start wars and harass/assault men and take away rights! I am only saying that it seems to theoretically be VERY PRODUCTIVE TIME. I am reminded, by perhaps a less-connected mental leap than you might be expecting at this juncture, of how the PTA seems to have been designed to give distracting busy-work and faux empowerment/management duties to the mothers who would otherwise be restlessly bothering the teachers and school office staff, but who are instead now very very busy bothering each other in a separate loop; and running fundraisers that barely pay for their own running, and doing so only if a lot of women consider their time to be free of charge! Whoever came up with that idea was VERY VERY SMART! Probably a joint psychology/business major/sociopath!
No, I did not get any sort of notification from my period tracker today, and also shut up. AND IF I DID: as I understand it, it is AFTER menopause that our hormones are “normal”—i.e., as they are during PMS. Which means that PISSED OFF ALL THE TIME AT HOW EVERYTHING WORKS AND HOW EVERYONE IS is the way women SHOULD BE. WHICH MAKES PERFECT SENSE TO ME.
I feel as if I can’t just Not Comment on the Russian attack on Ukraine, as though it’s not happening / as if I am oblivious to it / as if I think what I am writing is more important. But also: what are any of us supposed to say? It’s a nightmare, right? Stupid and horrifying and dismaying to see people pulling strings and acting as if other people’s lives are unimportant toys for them to play with when they’re bored. I bet some middle-aged Ukrainian/Russian woman would LOVE to be pissed off about yoga and peri-menopause right now, instead of wondering if her kids will survive this and knowing it is NOT IRRATIONALLY ANXIOUS to prepare for the possibility that they will not. I’m all the way over here, and I’m wondering if we’ll survive this, or if we’ll get a little weather alert on our phones notifying us of impending nuclear fallout, possibly because of ACCIDENTAL DAMAGE WHILE TRYING TO TAKE OVER A NUCLEAR PLANT. I read On the Beach a long time ago, but I feel like I remember the gist. Merciful pills for our pets first, and then for our kids, and then for ourselves. But we saw how the U.S. government handled the Covid pandemic, so we know the merciful medication will be plentifully available 1-2 years after we have all already perished from radiation or whatever it is that kills you when it’s a nuclear thing, I AM NOT REAL CLEAR ON THE DETAILS AND NOT REAL INCLINED TO LOOK IT UP, NO I DO NOT WANT ANYONE TO EXPLAIN IT TO ME RIGHT NOW
A little gift of peri-menopause, for me, seems to be the WILD MOOD SWINGS. Not that anyone would EVER have described me as a steady, level, consistent person. But right now I am going from COMPLETELY HAPPY when I remember that it’s the weekend and that means a bonus challenge on my phone game!!! to thinking that really it would be the best thing for everyone/everything if humanity wiped itself out via nuclear disaster. Like, within five minutes. I go from “OH!! I just remembered I have a new sweater I got on clearance and I can wear it today, and now I am wearing it and it’s making me happy and I should tell other people about it!!” (it’s this Lands’ End shaker sweater in Rubellite, and I think the only reason it’s on such a deep clearance is that the wee tiny vertical stripes make it look very weird on computer monitors ((also because Lands’ End prices are doubled, and you should never pay more than 50% off original price to begin with)), and I wish I’d risked buying the Baltic Teal as well even though that color looks even weirder on the monitor; I also got this Lands’ End fine-gauge crewneck sweater in Soft Magenta Heather and Soft Azure, because I love a colorblock) to thinking the only TRULY sensible solution is for me to leave my family and go live in a commune of people who are not men, where we will all SHARE THE CHORES and SHARE OUR SWEATERS and DO NICE THINGS FOR EACH OTHER and HAVE CHICKENS. (Someone other than me is going to have to take care of the chickens, because I only like chickens from a distance. But I WILL CLEAN TOILETS, so I feel like I have a lot to offer. I will also COOK CHICKEN EGGS.)
Invite me to the commune, I will keep the bees and tend to the fruit trees.
I’d also like to join the commune. I can sew and can.
My dear friend, Susan, has invited me to Widows Row after our spouses go to be with Jesus. I suppose you don’t want to wait that long to be part of the commune, living with other women. We’ve decided that we would want to live in a tiny flat of our own, side by side with other widows (or divorcees.) At one point, I asked Susan if divorcees were allowed and she said, of course! We would be available to help one another out and do fun things, even if it was just knitting and drinking. The one thing I told her I would not do is be the one who drives the other widows to doctors appointments. I’d be on the road morning to night!
I have been divorced for two years now and it is delightful. I can cook what I want, sleep blissfully alone and raise my 14year old son . I am on spring break from school. Living my best life!
I am taking the first steps down this path, your comment sent a surge of hope through my neurons. Thank you for this!
I have been through very similar swings these past few weeks. I truly despair for humanity and because of humanity. Humanity was a huge mistake. We’ve had the trucker convoy crap and there’s a war wherein humiliating an egomaniacal tyrant could result in nuclear war but the alternative is *not humiliating/defeating* the tyrant.
But also, my 10 y.o. texts me that he loves me nearly every day and I’m looking forward to our upcoming grand-by-our-standards vacation that has been postponed for two years.
But also, I was just thinking about your yoga update post while doing some chores and thinking about how it reflects on humanity that we’ve designed North American society to make maintaining good health difficult and a personal responsibility and, god, the gender aspect…
But also…
So, I hate yoga. I’ve tried it several times and I just really don’t like it. When I exercise, I want to move and get my heart rate up and sweat. Moving slowly, in ways that often make me actually sick to my stomach (I have a REALLY weak stomach and the cat/cow pose gets me every time), just makes me angry. WHAT A WASTE OF MY TIME. I wish I liked yoga, because I’m inflexible as shit and I have terrible posture and I hear yoga is supposed to help with those things, but I don’t.
What I do like are 20-30 minute “walking workouts” where you do a bunch of random exercises, sometimes with weights, interspersed with short periods of walking/marching/jogging in place. The key to enjoying this is that no particular exercise lasts for more than a minute, and if I don’t like that exercise I just do something else that I do like. I do this pretty much every day, and I don’t think of it as self-care or something that is shaping my body for men. It’s just something that helps my mood and gives me energy for the day.
Also, I laughed out loud at your PTA rant. I was very involved in the PTA when my kids were younger, then I got a job and realized I could put in a bunch of hours in one place and not get paid or put in a bunch of hours in another place and get paid, and I decided I was done with volunteering.
I am not very useful in general. But I would like to join this communal living experience. I can…microwave well and I brew a mean pot of coffee.
Ooooh, commune. Ok, I’m good in medical emergencies, I always start a fresh pot of coffee when I take the last cup, and I’ll make sure we are properly insured.
I am happy to raise chickens and could even handle a few cows. Grateful to trade for laundry folding.
For me, exercise is about getting strong, and I only do it for 30 minutes when I’d probably just be scrolling through my phone anyway. I like feeling strong because I can be more independent at things I enjoy (like canoe trips). I also don’t worry about what I eat. I decided that my goal was just to exercise and not to worry about the shape of my body. I don’t know if any of that is helpful, but it helped me.
And while I like yoga, I also like mixing it up. May I suggest kickboxing if you’re feeling angry. Nothing like practicing punches to help get the rage level back to simmering.
I wish there was more both of us could do about the Ukraine. I donated some money last night but talk about a very tiny drop in a massive bucket.
I have read many articles recently where advocates are really ticked off that self-care has somehow become bubble baths and buying things you can’t afford (with a glaring racial and socioeconomic disparity) or thinly veiled guilt about exercise disguised as health. And I absolutely do not understand how women are supposed to do that *and* live up to the current “hustle culture.”
Self-care should actually be healthy boundaries and priorities. And opting out of the hustle culture. For me, shutting the door and telling my husband and kids I am absolutely unavailable for the next 45 minutes while I do yoga (which I actually enjoy) is self-care. So is telling my church that no, I will not chair that big event. And sticking to that position even though everyone else is “too busy.” I won’t pretend I am too busy. I have the time on my calendar, but I am not willing to fill it up with that.
And, looked at that way it applies to both genders. I recently had a frank talk with my husband about his boundaries at work. His lack of balance was impacting his physical health, his mental health and as a result our family. The solution boiled down to self-care, prioritizing exercise (super important for stress management for him) and saying no to more requests.
I have just started the book Moody Bitches: The Truth About the Drugs You’re Taking, the Sleep You’re Missing, the Sex You’re Not Having, and What’s Really Making You Crazy, but I think its one for this community. https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/314941/moody-bitches-by-julie-holland-md/
I love you. How do I apply to the commune?
PTA rant? This is how I feel about that AND girl scouts. So much unpaid labor there and then they say the cookie program is the “largest GIRL run business” uh, hello. Who counted these things? Managed the money? Has their name of the bank account they siphon the money from? DROVES A CAR to get them and disburse them?
Cute sweaters. The first does look icky in the monitor. Nice job taking a chance.
I’ll await my application. My girl child is dying for chickens. And I can cook very well, thanks. And knit.
Re commune. I could to help any elementary-aged children with their homework, the more the better, and I will make cookies for any kids who are allowed to eat them. We’ll need someone who’s good at gardening, I think.
I hate the PTA. Not only for the unpaid labor that they try to rope moms into, but for all of the politics that are involved with it. It feels very middle-school. (even when I volunteer a board member swoops in because “she was nearby” making my volunteering superfluous, which yay? I guess, but I feel like it is a way for them to complain about how they have to do it all. And, it’s insulting. I took the time to be here, so why have me go home early?)
Recently our elementary school PTA had an announcement on IG inviting dads to come and play bingo and moms to come and volunteer while the kids and dads played bingo. I HATE the mentality that moms (even working moms) should spend their time making it a great event for EVERYONE else. What the hell PTA?
At the commune I can stitch on buttons and fix holes and do small sewing projects like napkins and pillow covers. I’d like to learn how to forage for food in the woods.
About the PTA–I’m not interested in helping make my kids’ elementary school fun (carnivals, book fair, Fun Run, room parent, etc). So every year I ask their teacher how I can help them directly because my goal is to get my kids a good education. I’ve helped manage iPads, sharpen pencils, made copies, subbed the classroom for a couple of hours, made posters, etc. All without the drama of PTA.
It’s totally okay to hate yoga. I do think it’s important to figure out what physical activity will also help you mentally. I love taking a long hike through the woods on an uncrowded trail and just let my brain dig deep into emotionally triggering situations I need to work through. I let my mind wander, I practice saying what I wished I’d said in the moment. I talk out loud to people in my life and tell them what I really think since I can’t do that in real life. I cry, I laugh, and I let myself feel whatever I want and be in whatever mood I want. And it’s just me and the trees. I come home feeling better.
I’m ready to come live in the commune. I can knit, and can take care of the bills.
I want in -I make really good brownies and Irish soda bread, along with various other baked treats. Oooh, and I like to garden.
I’m not a big fan of yoga, either, especially the trippy “breathe into your stomach” kind. I also hate cardio. I have discovered that I like strength training- makes feel strong, imagine that. And I have a few women that I walk with, which is a great opportunity to vent about our husbands. One is retired and I think the walking helps her survive having the husband home all day. Thinking of that (being home all day with spouse EVERY DAY) makes me really anxious to join the commune.
I can help care for the chickens! In my experience they are gross and kind of stupid, but also charming, and they turn fruit and veg scraps into delicious eggs.
Thank you for making me feel better about not getting involved in the PTO at my daughter’s school. I feel like I should, but I just don’t want to, and that’s ok.
For the commune, I will make and take phone calls.
This whole thing is brilliant, but the part that made me really LOL and also sob was “But right now I am going from COMPLETELY HAPPY when I remember that it’s the weekend and that means a bonus challenge on my phone game!!! to thinking that really it would be the best thing for everyone/everything if humanity wiped itself out via nuclear disaster.”
Save a spot for me in the commune; I will volunteer to share chores with any of you. <3
I’m in for the commune! I don’t hate doing laundry*, and good with money, and love to bake (not cook).
*I do hate doing laundry on a Sunday when I’m the only one in the house doing ANY chores
I feel this post so hard. Will join you on that commune.
Let’s see…for the commune I will be happy to drive people to appointments or anywhere they need to go, can make and take phone calls and pay bills. I am also basically a barista and can make lattes and other coffee drinks and love to bake.
I am post-menopausal and I am enraged all the time and utterly indifferent to how random assholes feel about my rage.
I am all in for the commune. I can cook and bake. I like small deep-cleaning projects. I am not squeamish so can handle things that call for the strong of stomach. I can do laundry but I hate folding. I can fold fitted sheets, though. That’s fast and easy and I want everyone to have clean sheets as often as they are inclined to change them.
I am also willing to help take care of any big goofy dogs people want to bring to the commune and if kids come (is there going to be a Temporary Sanctuary for Fed-Up Mothers feature?), I am happy to read the same story a bajillion times.
Every time I have tried regular yoga, either on screen or in person, I have become increasingly frustrated and discouraged and have cried at the end. BUT, when I have done GENTLE yoga (specifically the DVDs by Jane Adams), I feel like I am an AWESOME person for incorporating more movement into my day, I am CAPABLE of doing the things she is doing, and my body feels better by the end, especially when I do the practices that involve stretching.
For the commune, I can snuggle babies, read stories if there are too many kids for Slim’s lap, crochet, make bread, and grow peas and some flowers.
This is very timely for me today, because I have been reaching my limit of doing all the things for all the people in my house, including the nagging to get them to fulfill their very basic roles in the house upkeep to which all agreed. Last night we finished a weekend-long hockey tournament for my daughter so we picked up takeout; no dishes right? But instead after everything was unpacked and eaten all the wrappers were stuffed into paper bags and the leftover pizza was left in the box on the counter, and I had to pack the leftovers and sort the food and drink packaging and napkins into compost, recycling, and garbage and put everything where it was supposed to go and the garbage was too full so I had to change that and… I just wanted to be one of my family members whose job was apparently “open bag, consume fun, unhealthy food, walk out of the room”.
This morning I found out that when I walked into my son’s room during virtual school and caught him playing video games last week and threatened that if his weekly report showed anything not turned in it would mean Consequences on the weekend, the creative solution he came up with was “turn everything in empty so the report wouldn’t show anything outstanding”. He was busted because his teacher emailed me that he is failing everything and hasn’t turned a single science assignment in this semester. So his father told him off, then I waited until he was gone and I told our son off too, adding in the fact that his grandfather being in the hospital with stage 4 cancer and his grandmother dealing with macular degeneration and a new bout of bladder cancer meant that he needed to step up and do MORE than usual around the house and at school, NOT LESS because his father and I CANNOT TAKE ON ADDITIONAL ISSUES RIGHT NOW!
And my mother (married to my husband’s father) is staring down the barrel of her husband coming home and needing more and more care over the next while, all at the same time as dealing with needles in her eyes every 4 weeks and with a new bout of tumour removal from her bladder, (we’re doing what we can for them both but… pant, pant, pant), and she SWEARS that she is DONE with partners and will not live with another man EVER AGAIN. And I do not BLAME HER even one little bit!
The commune is sounding more and more lovely. If someone else washes the dishes I will gladly clean bathrooms. I’m also excellent at understanding medical jargon and results and translating it into understandable concepts for people, I’m good in emergencies, and I can help people with stuff like their taxes if the commune is located in Canada.
Holy cow. That sounds complicated and like a lot. Sending you good vibes for whatever you need them to be.
Also, not opposed to Canada! I’ve only been to the Maritimes? Atlantic? Provinces. Whichever doesn’t have Newfoundland (not opposed to Newfoundland, just haven’t been) can’t be bothered to look. Anyway. I’ve been there and loved. Feel like at this point I could get behind Nunavut, as long as the people there wouldn’t be put out/off/peeved by us.
Making bread as we speak! And knitting a thumb on a mitten.
I have to admit, I thought the maritime provinces and the atlantic provinces were the same thing and would have put Newfoundland in both groups. Off to look it up…
Well waddaya know: the Maritimes doesn’t include Newfoundland. Also Newfoundland became Newfoundland and Labrador a few years ago, and I only found out last year. Apparently I’m not keeping up with the east coast happenings very well.
Thanks for the commiseration. I’ve been feeling a little frazzled lately and am SO GLAD to have this Swistle-space to vent!
I think that in the midst of everything that is swirling around you, you managed to write the commune’s motto: “reaching my limit of doing all the things for all the people in my house”
I am sorry everything is terrible. I am definitely up for moving to Canada, although I would prefer a province to a territory — there aren’t enough SAD lights to get me through a winter way up north
Right now, I’d kinda be in favour of Newfoundland (& Labrador) because, of the provinces, they have been clearly the most responsible, community-minded, and effective in managing covid. 95% fully vaxxed and still climbing. (But the winters can be long and hard, so that might be a deal-breaker.)
I’ll do Newfoundland, I just haven’t been there.
It has Alan Doyle of Great Big Sea (Newfoundland, I know zero about Labrador) to sing us songs. And it’s pretty!
That’s a lot. I hope your load lightens soon and that your loved ones do well.
This narrative felt very full circle to me. Because the REASON women need to consider self-care is the same REASON you want a commune with only women. Men do not voluntarily share the chores! Like assholes! I too am PMS-ing right now but I also felt this way last week and all the other weeks before because life with a husband and two teenage sons makes this clear. You are being entirely reasonable and I would like to join your commune is what I’m saying:)
My best friend and I have seriously discussed future widow commune plans. She will cook, I will clean, and we’ll read and drink coffee and our dead husbands’ savings will foot all the bills.
I’m feeling you very hard right now, Swistle. Down with the god damn patriarchy.
Right after reading this post I came across this similarly-themed article: https://theconversation.com/wellness-is-not-womens-friend-its-a-distraction-from-what-really-ails-us-177446 .
“Wellness, with its self-help rhetoric, absolves the government of responsibility to provide transformative and effectual action that ensures women are safe, delivered justice, and treated with respect and dignity.”.
Happy International Women’s Day to all the Swistle community (and soon-to-be commune).
Oh swistle. I’m reading this on IWD and I’m so mad. How the hell is it 2022 and we are still here. Men hurting women. No pay parity. Uneven domestic load. Women in their 50s+ the fasting growing homeless population (in my country). I’m just done. Yeah it’s probably peri-menopausal rage but bring it on.
Yes to the commune.
I don’t really like yoga because I am so bad at it. But I have been doing specific workouts recently to target sore/stiff muscle groups and it’s either fine or I hate every second of it. It’s so SLOW and there’s so much lingo that I find inexplicably irritating when I just want to get on with it. No I don’t want to take a moment with my thoughts to feel the ground under my feet and contemplate how all yoga is yoga. And I understand WHY there are terms like “front body” and “back body” but sometimes that very small thing makes me so unreasonably annoyed.
I just hate exercising in any way. I’m ready for the commune; if someone else is willing to feed me, I am an excellent kitchen cleaner. I also will do laundry.
Also, I think you would like our our middle school PTA because it doesn’t fundraise. The PTA asks for a one-time donation at the beginning of the year, and that’s it. The best part is, whoever wrote up the donation form is FUNNY. I tried to find it to copy it here, but it’s not longer available to read because they only fundraise at the beginning of the year!
However, I can tell you that the donation form had different amounts, and it was something like:
For $25 We will never ask you to bake anything for a bake sale!
For $50 You will not have to put anything up for or participate in an auction!
Except, you know, funnier.
I’ve been thinking about this post because makes me feel joyful about my family building, which includes both the lady I married and the passel of small kids we started out the pandemic with but also the young person who we informally adopted because her family of origin is transphobic and unworthy. Our household has two dozen chickens, we do share sweaters and the woman-led equitable chore distribution is working rather like you envision. (As a bonus I think so far it appears to be teaching the littles who are boys to grow up into men who will do chores.) Anyway, my point is, you don’t need to leave your family, you can just grow it — and in creating the commune around you, you might end up resolving someone’s homeless and/or domestic violence situation!