I have just cleaned all three bathroom floors on my hands and knees, which is how I clean that kind of floor because it is, counterintuitively, the easiest way for me to handle it; and I have had gin in order to face that task, and it is deliberate that I am also using that gin to write this post. This was the plan. For well over two weeks I have been wanting NOT to think about the housecleaner situation, and telling myself “You don’t have to think about that right now,” and certainly not wanting to write about it—but also it is something that has been blocking up my brain until I talk to you about it. Certain topics are like that, I have found: they continue to bump against my brain until I tell you about them, and they prevent other topics from getting through. I was pretty sure gin would help break down the resistance, and I felt the resistance needed to be broken down, so I planned a Helpful Gin Occasion: floor terribleness, then topic terribleness. The whole time I was washing the bathroom floors, I rehearsed, but I am still not ready, and I will just say each thing in turn without trying to order my thoughts.
I mentioned that William had an envelope of cash and gift cards go missing over the summer, when, as it turned out, the substitute cleaner was also here. I did not spend much time fretting about this at the time, even though it drives me up a tree to have things Missing, and so I DID spend a fair amount of time looking for it; but I thought William had, at most, the few gift cards (maybe $100 total) he’d received for his recent birthday, plus maybe up to $100 cash. After Edward’s money and cards were stolen, I sent an email to William at college telling him what had happened, explaining how that cast the disappearance of his cash and gift cards in a different light, and telling him that we were going to replace them for now; and that if they DID turn up later, which they still could do, we would figure it out at that time.
It turns out the amount that disappeared was about a thousand dollars. I hadn’t realized it, but he had saved all of his high school graduation gift cards and cash, among other things. I’d thought he’d ignored my advice about hanging onto it until he thought of Something Specific/Deliberate to spend it on, but he had not ignored that advice. He also had Christmas money, Christmas gift cards, birthday money, birthday gift cards. Luckily he had also been keeping a spreadsheet of all his money, so we knew how much disappeared and could pay him back accurately.
Again and again I hear myself saying to him, my white son living in a privileged household that can afford housecleaners: “The ONE THING I DO know is that it was NOT the housecleaners.” And that should have been correct. I should have been correct. If it had just been our usual housecleaners, I would have been correct. I stated something with absolute confidence, and I was wrong; and in stating something that SHOULD HAVE BEEN TRUE I undermined my child’s actual experience with reality, which is that he had carefully stored his cash and gift cards in a desk drawer, which should not have been opened by anyone else for any reason, and they had been stolen by someone his parents hired to come into the house. His mother then assured him confidently, as he searched frantically and with increasing despair, that the housecleaners were DEFINITELY not to blame—and so, by implication, that it was HIS fault. HE must have misplaced them. This is not the way things should have been: I should have been right. Our cleaners should have been blameless, because there was NO WAY they would have risked so much for so relatively little. My son should have learned a valuable lesson about keeping track of his possessions, and about not blaming people who did not have his privileges and would not in a million years have jeopardized their lives in that way. Later, he would have found the envelope in a box of other things, or stuck to the bottom of a textbook, or tucked into a different drawer—and he would have learned not to jump to wrongful conclusions so quickly. In most situations I would have been right. But in this situation I was wrong. Statistics playing out, as statistics do.
The money is not important. A thousand dollars makes an impact on us, of course it does. A thousand dollars is enough to cause pain, and we are lucky that it causes pain rather than an impossible situation: if a thousand dollars disappeared in a different way (car repair, household repair), we would manage it, as we managed it in this case: we can come up with the money; we can reimburse him; we are so lucky. The real impact is that William learned two things that he should not have learned because they are not generally true: he learned that housecleaners steal, and he learned that his mother is wrong about things like that. And he learned, I assume, that when his lived experience differs from his mother’s impression of reality, his mother will side with her impression of reality. This is in fact what happened. That is more of a steal than the thousand dollars.
Speaking of which. Someone came to our house and stole a thousand dollars, and nothing happened. She took that envelope, and nothing happened. Months went by, and there was no response, no reaction; nothing happened. This is unbelievable to me. No wonder she stole from us again. No wonder. Imagine taking the bonkers risk of stealing a thousand dollars from a household, and there is absolutely no reaction from the household in question, not because the household is so wealthy they don’t even care/notice, but because the household believes absolutely that housecleaners Would Not Steal. Because the household in question would instead blame their own child for carelessness. Because the MOTHER in that household would blame her own child for carelessness. Because I would blame my own child for carelessness. It’s true I didn’t know it was a thousand dollars, I thought it was less than two hundred. And it’s true my children can be careless, as can we all. Still: I stated to my child that the one thing I knew for sure was that the housecleaners COULD NOT have taken it; I stated that as an absolute fact. And I was wrong. I guess it helps somewhat, a little bit, to pay that money back, AFTER a second theft has occurred; I guess it helps somewhat, a little bit, to say “Oh, it turns out I was wrong,” AFTER a second theft has occurred. It doesn’t really fix it. Does it.
I am twitchy and insecure again and again as I think of fresh things to worry about. Because someone who would do the equivalent of taking the cash out of the equivalent of a wallet AND THEN THROW AWAY THE REST OF THE WALLET RATHER THAN PUTTING IT IN A MAILBOX SO THAT THE OWNER COULD HAVE BACK THOSE THINGS THAT ARE USELESS TO A THIEF BUT CRUCIAL TO THEIR OWNER—someone like that might do any number of things. Someone like that might take a spare house key hanging by the door, and be able to get in whenever they want to. Or a spare car key. Someone like that might leave a window/door unlocked in a forgotten part of the house, so that they could get back in. Someone like that might take important paperwork. Passwords. Garage door openers. ID cards. Little-worn jewelry. So many things that are important but we don’t think of those things or check them often. Any of those things could be gone, and maybe we haven’t noticed yet. There could be more things that have already happened but we don’t know yet. There could be more things that will happen. This might not be over.
And I feel like I put so much work into accepting having people in the house in the first place. That was such a mental hurdle. It was something I wanted, something I’d BARGAINED for, but it still felt like an invasion, and I felt so sensitive about what they might think about my house / my possessions. You may remember me leaning heavily on you for support at first, and many of the things you said (some of you from the actual experience of having been housecleaners) came back to me comfortingly again and again in anxious moments.
And of course there is the issue of needing to clean the house ourselves now, and I use the plural pronoun with bitter irony. I will say again that I do not expect sympathy on this topic: MOST people have to clean their own houses. That is the NORMAL state of things. But if you are at all inclined to give me sympathy, remember that I WAS cleaning my own house without wanting extra sympathy or seeing it as anything but normal, and that it was ONLY when my husband wanted to move to a much bigger/better house (from a cookie-cutter builder’s-grade development house to a historical antique needing care and respect), and I did NOT want to move, that I made “hiring housecleaners” a condition of the move. I did not want to move to my husband’s dream house, after living with my husband for over twenty years and knowing he could not be counted on to clean even a smaller/lesser house; I did not want to agree to something that would increase HIS happiness but MY workload; but I ALSO did not want to be the personal crusher of his dream. And so I made a deal: he could have the house, I would not stop him even though I didn’t want to move—but I would not clean it beyond the normal everyday cleaning. Someone else would handle the acres of hardwood. Someone else would handle the bathrooms. Someone else would handle the kitchen and the laundry room and the chair rails and the trim and all the little carpets.
And he agreed, and he hired the housecleaners. And so we moved. And now we are here, we have moved, and now there are no housecleaners, and this is my literal bad dream, I literally have had this as a bad dream: a house I didn’t want, and I have to clean it. (If you have even ONE moment of thinking that you don’t understand why I don’t have Paul and the kids help clean, then this is the moment for you to realize that you are RIGHT: you DON’T understand, on MULTIPLE levels. ((The kids DO do some, though not without me having to be the one who tells them and reminds them and checks their work; Paul DOES do some of his own volition, but it feels like he feels like he’s doing me a favor / needs praise / can opt out if he doesn’t feel like doing it; it still all feels as if it is ultimately my responsibility; the kids will soon grow up and move out and then I will not even have their help; I DON’T understand EITHER how I ended up married to, or why I stay with, someone who is not a partner to me in this way; is there anyone on earth for whom “the husband/children should help more” would be a fresh/new/useful suggestion as opposed to something they had already been working on to the point of screaming frustration for years/decades; etc.)) And you are going to have to accept that my lived experience is more relevant here than your impression of reality—which is more than William got from me, when his envelope with all his money and gift cards disappeared. You and I will apparently have to buckle in and prepare for many more lessons in this seemingly endless series entitled “When You Feel as if Something Is Scoffingly/Eye-Rollingly Obvious/Easy, Prepare To Be Proven Embarrassingly/Humiliatingly Wrong.”)
I should say for the sake of honesty/frankness/history that there are some positives here. One, and this does not speak well of me, is that resentment of one’s spouse can be deeply satisfying. To me, anyway. Take a moment to be glad you are not married to me. (On the other hand: I am a spouse who cleans bathroom floors on my hands and knees. So. Trade-offs.)
Another way in which this is not an entirely negative situation is something I’ve referred to before, which is that it was actually kind of satisfying during the pandemic, when we didn’t have the cleaners, to have a CLEANING SYSTEM, and to successfully manage to implement it. Toilets, every other Friday night! Bathroom floors, the OTHER every other Friday nights! Showers! Sinks! Kitchen counters! All HANDLED. At our old house, we had five babies one after another and sometimes two after another, and so the housecleaning DID slip. And once it slipped, it was hard to get it back. I hate to compare this to dieting and weight loss, but have you ever thought to yourself that if you could just suddenly MAGICALLY APPEAR at your ideal weight, you would be able to maintain it from there? that it’s the struggle to GET there that’s so hard? I felt that way about the housework: if I could just start over with a clean house, I WOULD maintain it this time, I WOULD. And then to get to that point with THIS house, and have it be TRUE! If I started with a clean house, as I did at the beginning of the pandemic (and, more importantly, no little kids, no interrupted nights, no general exhaustion, no endless busyness), I DID keep it clean, I REALLY DID! Well, it was satisfying to see. And in some way, satisfying to DO: to see the shine, to see the results, to feel able to cope in a period of (PRESUMED SHORT-TERM) adversity.
Another positive, which I hate and have mentioned before: I am a better cleaner, when I do clean, than the housecleaners were. Which makes sense! They do not have the time to sit there messing with the eensy dirt in the eensy corners, using a toothbrush around the faucets! If you want something done “right” (i.e., to your own too-high standards), do it yourself! Etc.! But. Also. It is galling to pay a rate that works out to an hourly rate of four times what I make at my job, and have things skipped and missed. I DID NOT WANT TO COMPLAIN. Imagine how spoiled that would be. And also: I was so grateful that someone else was cleaning our toilets, which is something I believe no human being should have to do for another able human being, so the sooner we can get self-cleaning and/or individual/personal toilets, the better. And so when I cleaned the bathroom floors tonight, and I cleaned UNDER things and BETWEEN things and BEHIND things and IN THE CORNERS OF things, there was a satisfaction in doing things WELL. Housecleaning is not an area where, as a woman who stayed at home with children and in many ways regrets it and in still more ways deeply resents society for it, I wish to excel. But it is still satisfying to do something well, and to have it done well, and to see it multiple times a day and see it DONE WELL. By MY definition of “well.”
Another positive: the complete elimination of the pre-housecleaners stress. Which feels like some serious BRIGHTSIDING here. But it WAS immensely/disproportionately stressful to anticipate their arrival, and I DO feel the deep relief of it. (While also missing the motivation it gave me to deal with things I should be dealing with anyway, such as clutter piles, and forcing the children to deal with their rooms, and giving us all a helpful structure for remembering to change sheets and put the toothbrush holders through the dishwasher and so forth.)
But mostly, it is negative. I feel stuck. I feel trapped. I feel resentful. I feel disillusioned and cheated and hurt and betrayed, and incredulous, and so sad. I don’t want to seem to inappropriately put this above much more serious incidents/situations, but at my own proportionate level I feel our house has been violated, and our privacy has been violated. I feel insecure/unsafe in my own house; I’ve been locking doors in a way I didn’t lock them before, and having frequent anxious thoughts about how easy it would be for someone to break in even with the doors locked. I have been forceably reminded of the bad things human beings are willing to do to each other. I feel nauseatingly privileged, to have this kind of problem: “Oh, our HOUSECLEANERS stole some of our EXTRA MONEY.” I feel like I am overreacting: no one died, no one is injured, no one has a new terrible diagnosis, we didn’t even have anything sentimental/precious/irreplaceable stolen, all we lost was money. (As far as we know.) I feel like I am in menial service to this house I didn’t want. I feel like I am in service to my husband’s life and wants, and that his is the Main Life and I am only the Support/Accessory Life. I feel hopeless to fix/change the situation; at this point I don’t see any way to solve it, either now or later. I think that if I am the “default” cleaner, so that everyone else gets to essentially choose if they clean or not and everything else ultimately falls to me, year after year, that I will end up leaving my entire family to go live by myself in a 1BR/1BA apartment where I will clean only for myself and not have to hate anyone.
I am going to post this now, and edit if necessary tomorrow. Please don’t feel obligated to comment if this is the kind of post where you don’t know what to say: I know that kind of post, and I know that feeling about commenting, and I will entirely understand. Thank you for being here; thank you for reading this.
This was an incredible post. True, raw, beautiful, hard. Thanks, Swistle. And, I’m so, so sorry this happened to you and your family.
I love gin-infused Swistle, and I hate everything about this situation.
Your feelings, all of them, are so, so valid. I also think that having this experience and then proactively reaching out to William and apologizing and making him whole counts for so much. Another generation or another person would have continued to blame William for carelessness. They never would have admitted they misjudged the situation. It would have festered. This situation did not fester at all. You made it right as soon as you knew. I know this is a shitty, complicated situation. But I truly believe that you did your absolute best at every junction.
I think that any mother who would examine this situation so closely, brutally self-reflecting and understanding the impact from your son’s perspective in such a feeling and intuitive way is a mother in a million. Equally, I am sure that William understands and is thankful to have a mother who sees the world in the way you do. This piece of writing brought tears to my eyes. I hope that you realise the impact you have had on many lives. I have been reading you for about 8 years now and you present things in a way that makes me truly think about “how” I think about things. I am so sorry that all of this is on your plate and I hope you find a way through that honours and validates your experience, and brings you to a better place.
You are an incredible writer. That said, I’m deeply sorry for all this very, very hard and unfair stuff.
Commenting feels so helpless. I am there with you, sharing a gin (and I hate gin), holding your hand and crying and feeling sad, and telling you that I am so sorry that this all has happened to you. And 100 percent with you on the housework, don’t get me started. I am also on my hands and knees cleaning because that’s the only way to clean a floor, thanks, Mom. I know you have apologized abjectly and profusely to William and he will be OK and you will be OK. I can hear you beating yourself up about your reaction and PLEASE DON’T. You are the aspirational mom, the best, and you are teaching your kids that parents make mistakes too and learn from them.
I’m so sorry this happened and really commend the way you handled the issue with William. Also, I’m sorry he now knows that you were wrong. Once. ;) Would it be possible to hire house cleaners in the future but lock the bedroom doors? Of course there are valuables elsewhere, but maybe it would work? My parents had cleaners at one point but they only did floors, bathrooms & the kitchen (while my mother was home).
I love the idea of cleaners that only do bathrooms and kitchen. That’s the worst part of cleaning, and would make it so much easier to keep an eye on things.
Goodness gracious. I would feel all the things you are feeling. I’m feeling a lot of it just reading this. I am so sorry.
I don’t know if I know what to say, but here is what I can think of to say – which is that along with all of the negative things that William might have learned, that people sometimes need to admit that they were wrong is a very good thing to learn, and so is that being absolutist about perceptions of reality can be a mistake. And that having good records pays off.
Anyways, I hope this is the end of this for you. I think you handled it well overall, and that your children will benefit from having watched you handle it well. And hopefully more and more things become self-cleaning with time, or you can build yourself a little 1 bedroom cottage on your property someday (or partition off a few rooms with their own kitchen and bathroom and entrance?) and not feel responsible for the house.
A friend of mine basically lives in their detached garage, which is finished and heated, and only goes into the house for meals and bathrooms. It works for her (and she likes her family!).
I am so, so sorry this happened to you. Any time we trust people and that trust is broken it is so so upsetting.
One small suggestion—if you work up to hiring new housekeepers. (Which I understand if you are not! I have had housecleaners for 20 years but I cleaned my own house from March 2020 until March 2021, 4 bathrooms, miles of hardwood floors, kitchen, the works. I hated it yet it was oddly satisfying bc I cleaned it so wells I digress!) My mother in law does not leave the house when the cleaners are there. It is limiting, but she feels like her presence (even in another room) makes a difference. She has had items stolen, in years past. So this is her solution so she does not have to clean the house herself.
I am so, so sorry this happened to you. I think making good to William is an incredible gesture and I am sure he very much appreciates it. You are a very good mom!
Support/accessory life just resonates with me so much.
Me too, so much. :(
If it is of any consolation, I don’t really remember any of the times that my parents were right about my mistakes but I do remember the times when they were wrong and then apologized. And it taught me how to apologize when I am wrong and I think that seeing their example has made me a better parent and spouse and teacher. William has learned that housekeepers steal and that parents are sometimes very wrong but he probably already knew that and now he also knows how to manage those situations responsibly and humbly and with maturity because he has seen your example.
As for having to clean your house alone, fuck that noise. Fuck it straight into the sun. If I knew how to Venmo you a gin to drink on the bathroom floor I would do it in a heartbeat because the situation you find yourself in is unfair and terrible.
Perhaps the resentment will be lessened a bit if you pay yourself what you were paying the house cleaners? YOU are now the one doing the work that no one else is doing and you do it better than they did! And there will be a gin-fueled hell to pay if Paul tries to argue against this plan.
YES, I love this idea! Even if you’re married and it’s all “your money,” this makes a statement that a) work is being done; and b) that work has a value attached to it. And then you have a little pile of money that you can spend ANY way you want.
What a horrible violation of your family’s space and trust. And then to endure so many ongoing aftershocks in your life and psyche. I’m so sorry this happened to you and your family, Swistle.
First, of course you feel violated because you were, in fact, violated. Privilege doesn’t erase this!
Two, you are a wonderful mother showing how to acknowledge that you were wrong and how to make it right. This is a powerful lesson for William and all your other kids.
So . . . I am just thinking out loud here. You can take any of this, or leave it.
First, I totally get your feelings about all of this. You are very brave to share this with us. I’m sorry this is stressful, but also good job!
When I am feeling down, sad, frustrated, etc., it helps me to make a list of proactive steps that can help. Here are some suggestions.
Make a list of what each cleaning task is worth – sort of a price list. Let the children “choose” a task and pay them to do it. I know they should gratefully do chores for free, but let’s be transparent here. Kids don’t just do chores. But if you could divide what you paid the housekeepers down into tasks, maybe you could spend the same money and the kids could make money. Pay yourself to do the jobs!
Depending on your insecurities regarding the safety of the house, spend some of the house keeping money on having all the house locks replaced. Maybe even add a security system or security cameras for added safety/peace of mind.
Consider having someone new come in to clean your house – maybe quarterly. Tell the new service what happened previously and then stay home and “supervise” the work when the cleaners are there. I don’t necessarily mean to verbally critique or anything like that. Just BE home and roam around while the cleaning is being done. No one will steal while you’re watching. It’s only quarterly so not so stressful to supervise as every other week, etc. Also, it’s like a fresh start with a clean house. You can fill in with your own system in between cleanings, but not have to stress about in-house help as regularly.
Make a new deal with your husband. Make it personally rewarding. Is there anything that would make the house better? New sofa? New rugs? New Christmas lights that he has to hang? Weekly pedicures? What do you want (outside of house cleaners, obviously)? Take steps to get it. You need a new tradeoff since the first one didn’t work out.
These are all excellent suggestions, especially the final point: “You need a new tradeoff since the first one didn’t work out.” Assuming moving again is not an option, Paul owes you a renegotiation.
I would add, this is a good opportunity to introduce the kids to some adulting: having a bank account to safeguard their monies. Maybe have them research different bank gimmicks (Free checking! Savings with interest! $100 for new accountholders!!) and choose their favorite.
I especially like the advice of telling a new housekeeping service (if one chose to go that route) for the sake of transparency that you had had money stolen in the past.
Um, can we also talk for a second about how delightfully nerdy it is that he had a spreadsheet of all his money and knew exactly what was missing? That kid is going to be alright in life.
Sorry you’re dealing with all the rest of it, though.
Wow, how beautifully you write. I’m so sorry this happened. For the record, I think you dealt with the situation with Willam very well – you modeled how to apologize when you are wrong, and how to make things right.
I too have had fantasies of a little jewel-box of an apartment all to myself.
Ugh, this just sucks.
I don’t really have any advice, but I hope you take comfort in “what Jane says of John says more about Jane than it does John.” You spoke highly of the housecleaners; you valued their work and saw them as good people. Yes, housecleaners steal. But many (most?) do not, and it is appropriate and kind to trust people until they give you good reason not to.
P.S. Having lived in a house that “eats” things, as many older homes do, I personally find it very reasonable that you assumed the gift cards had been misplaced.
Handpats. So many handpats.
I know you’re torn up about being wrong about your son’s money, but I think you handled it so well. If you had blamed the housekeepers and been wrong about that, the repercussions to them might have been much more serious. Incorrectly blaming William was relatively easy to fix. Imagine if you had accused the housekeeper and they’d been fired, and then 6 months later, William found the money! You would be so so horrified.
This is such a great point!
This is SUCH a good point. You assumed the best of someone and you were wrong, but it still seems to me that it was the right thing to do because you could fix the situation with your son (making him whole and admitting your mistake), but if you had assumed the money was stolen and it was not, it would have been nearly impossible to rectify!
My mother is terminally suspicious of her housecleaners, and this happened to her. She accused them of taking her earrings (after many other incidents of “I wonder if they took…” and then finding the item) and fired them. Months later, she found the earrings. In her own locked jewelry box.
You started from a premise of honesty, and that speaks so well of you, because it is a premise of equality.
We recently moved and stopped having house cleaners after years of having them – mainly for logistical reason with wfh and dogs. I do what is suggested above – I use the money we would have spent on house cleaners on myself. Today in fact I’m going for my massage. This helps with the endless assignment of cleaning, nagging, and doing it myself that occurs in my house now.
As someone whose family is going through one of those terrible situations that you posted at the bottom, I will tell you a bright side of THOSE situations. When you are going through something like that – death or injury or terrible diagnosis – you don’t have to justify or explain why things are bad. Everyone understands. If you want to wallow in despair, you don’t blame yourself. If you want the comfort of friends and family, it is easily given, because those listed situations are understood to be Very Very Tough. People check in on you and see how you’re holding up. To be in a unique and awful situation like you are – it must be feel lonely. The pain that you are feeling is real, and I’m so sorry.
You are a gifted writer and a good mom. No one is perfect, but you realized your error and made amends with your son. I bet it is that he will remember.
My spouse is an insurance agent and he said if the cleaners are insured and bonded, the bond covers theft. He always makes sure companies that do any work for us are bonded. You might be able to file a claim.
This is actually a very good reason to hire a licensed, bonded, cleaning service. After many years of hiring individuals, my sister is switching to a service.
I’m a bit of a broken record about this, but my experience is that being bonded and insured still doesn’t protect you against theft unless you have recorded evidence that one of the cleaners stole the item/money in question. My friend had two diamond rings stolen, no one but family and the cleaning service in the house, and was not compensated.
You are doing all of the right things. And you are right to be resentful. I wish there was an easy solution to the House Mess that a family creates.
I’m so sorry that all of this happened, but appreciate so much that you share it with us. Feeling like the accessory life really resonated with my own current mental state. I don’t know if this is helpful to hear, but I feel the same way, even though I didn’t stay home with my kids, maintained a moderately ambitious professional career, and have the higher salary of our household. “Family” decisions still prioritize my husband’s desires, preferences, hobbies, and career. I picture myself moving to a Tiny House in the woods alone regularly.
For what it’s worth, I don’t feel like the secondary character in my household in the sense that “family” decisions actually prioritize my preferences 90% of the time, yet I still find myself spending way too much time doing a disproportionate amount of the household drudgery and when I picture retirement, or being a grandmother, I also picture myself living in a Tiny House or an accessory dwelling unit on my daughter’s property (though more likely is living in my own small space like an apartment/condo near her). I don’t really know where my subconscious has assumed my husband will be, since I can’t picture ever leaving him, but yet when I look into the future, I just see, well, me, not us.
I am looking at continuing care retirement community floorplans and imagining my husband and myself in adjacent ones — sort of a variation on a marital duplex. Handy when the kids visit, too: Two kitchens! Extra bathrooms!
I feel this exact same way. You articulated in a way I haven’t been able to.
I have noticed that historically/traditionally, a lot of women have seemed to just kind of not live with their husbands, or take long breaks from living with their husbands, after the children are grown. My mother-in-law had super fond memories of how her grandmother would move in with them for months at a time (although she would admit that her mother’s memories of this were less fond), and my grandma was full of stories about the times that Aunt Ruth came to stay. This seems like a fairly healthy way to be on the whole?
I’m so sorry. This is a legitimately hard situation. Theft does violate your privacy and security in ways that are hard to process. What you are feeling is the reasonable and healthy response to the situation.
Your resentment resonates with me. “Acts of service” like cleaning and cooking are one of my love languages. When my husband does not do his share of the housework, it feels like a lack of love and, moreover, a lack of respect. That’s why I feel such intense resentment – it is not about the toilet or dust, it is about a halfassed or absent showing of love and respect for me, which makes our marriage feel like less of a partnership and more of a parent/child or “bus driver/slacker passenger” relationship. We’ve talked about it a lot and I try to look for the ways he does show love, but the situation doesn’t change. (Discussing Gary Chapman and “The Five Love Languages” is a whole can of worms – my feelings about his work are complicated, but sometimes his language helps me).
Because I am not you, I cannot adequately express in writing how much this resonated with me. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with all of this. Everything you’re feeling/experiencing is totally valid. Don’t feel bad for feeling them.
I actually gasped out loud when you said how much William lost. Shouldn’t this be reported to the police? Maybe I’m too focused on justice, but this person needs to be stopped or at least scared a bit.
I was shocked at the amount too. In many states $1000 makes if a felony. You can file a report even if the theft was awhile ago . This happened to my MIL. She didn’t notice all her silverware was missing until setting the table for Christmas dinner. It had probably been stolen months before when she had a “friend” house sit. We filed a police report and they asked her if she suspected anyone. She gave a name and even though no arrest came of it, it’s on record and made us all feel slightly better about it.
One of the things that constantly surprises me is the insightfulness of your analysis of various situations. Thank you once again to Tipsy Swistle for sharing the raw view of your roiling thoughts. I particularly enjoy the way you phrase and think through your qualifiers when giving information. They always amuse me…”But if you are at all inclined to give me sympathy…” I’m inclined.
I don’t know if you feel comfortable sharing if you ever got a response from your last message to the main housecleaner?
She sent a reimbursement for the $300 taken from Edward’s room. She included a message saying, heartbreakingly, that she was dying of shame. She said that although she was not the one who robbed, she was the one who had allowed a robber into our home. She concluded by asking, heartbreakingly, if we could ever forgive her. It was truly brutal/heartbreaking.
Oh gosh. Swistle. I am so sorry about all of this. All of it.
I am so sorry for her, but it reaffirms for me that you did the right thing by so clearly telling her what you had figured out. If she’s that upset, she believes you and will have fired the substitute cleaner. And that may very well save her business. You gave her a gift with your honesty.
Few things upset me more than when I feel like I’ve failed as a parent even if it was a mistake or a totally reasonable assumption. It’s so damned hard not to dwell on. However, you handled the fall out from this so well! My parents never apologized (or acknowledged) when they made a mistake – the only up side of that is that I try really hard to admit my mistakes and apologize and make it right with my kids because it’s not the mistake itself that burned my cookies but the failure to acknowledge that one was made. You did all the right things with William and he will remember.
As for cleaning your own house it sucks and I hate it for you (and for everyone who doesn’t love cleaning). I like the suggestion that perhaps you have a cleaner quarterly or similar – that feels like it would be seldom enough that one can prepare and perhaps be around while they are cleaning for peace of mind, but often enough that the house doesn’t get completely out of control.
I am going to comment here really quickly and then go back and read everyone else’s comments.
I am holding space for you and hoping you can give yourself the grace you give others when they make an error in judgment. And I’m also hoping you can tell your husband that you now want some different compensation since you can’t have cleaners.
Ugh. I am sorry about all of it, but I think William will appreciate that you tried to make it right.
I utterly agree with everyone who said that you did a great job modeling for William how to admit to an error, and how to make it as right as you can.
I’m so sorry all of this has happened, especially given how generous you were with housecleaners at the beginning of the pandemic. Thank you for letting us see the nuances of this complicated situation. Your writing is beautiful and incredible. I hope you find a way to re-negotiate with Paul which might include him picking up another household chore or two. I also think a police report should be filed.
<3
I feel for you, Swistle, both regarding the situation with William and the housecleaning. Sure, he learned a lesson at the time that you preferred he wouldn’t have (“my mom upholds her own truth over mine”), and that is a lesson I have learned many times over from my parents. However, that also taught me that even if someone is 100% convinced they are right, I can still live my life knowing they are (at least partially) wrong and therefore let them speak but continue to live according to my own truth. When, later on in life, my parents worked on themselves with a psychologist, they started apologizing when they found out they had been wrong, and that gave me an opportunity to learn that lesson (apologize when you find out you were wrong, even if that is much much later on).
So many things everyone is learning here – you, William… he’s lucky to have a mother who is so aware of the impact this may have on him. Thoughtfulness and self-awareness are the best things he’s learning here.
Just a few thoughts, for what they are worth.
1. Children forgive parents who apologize, even for much larger stuff than this.
2. It might be worth the money to change the locks on the door, even just for peace of mind.
3. It would be absolutely worth renegotiating your deal with Paul. You’re not going to move over this, but he doesn’t, and shouldn’t, want you to resent him for this for the rest of time you live in this house.
4. (this one is tougher) Pay yourself money for doing the cleaning. Consider what the minimum level of cleaning you can live with really live is. Maybe only kitchen and bathrooms, and shut the rest of the doors of the house. I personally think many women/mothers over clean their houses, or think they should over clean their houses, and then feel shame about not cleaning their houses enough. No one ever died from a (ordinarily messy) unclean house, especially not the people who are not willing to help clean it, or not willing enough. This one might take a little work, and maybe you don’t want to do it, but I personally don’t think I could ever clean a house that large by myself, that well, even once, if I hadn’t wanted the house in the first place. Not really wanting the house in the first place seems like a pretty important piece of this.
Good luck! This is really tough and I am sorry it happened to you and William and Edward.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. A betrayal of the safety of your house, which has been your sanctuary and place of protection in this pandemic is just awful. I also always find it hard when something like this happens- a car accident, an moderate injury- the thing itself isn’t so terrible but for awhile I find it rips away all of my coping thoughts and necessary veils of denial and reminds me that sometimes terrible things just happen, and we can’t stop them- and that in itself is brutal and it takes awhile to rebuild. I’m not sure if this makes sense but wanted to leave a comment to offer some small comfort. You are a wonderful writer and your blog means so much to so many.
Hugs, Swistle. All of this is so hard.
First, I am so sorry you have been going through this. Second, I want to share a mental exercise that helps me when I feel like I’ve made a parenting mistake. Here it is: Everyone makes mistakes, not a single human on the planet who hasn’t. What separates us is what people do after that mistakes happens – do we repair, how do we apologize, or do we even apologize. How does one learn what to do after a mistake, the vast majority of people learn how to repair apologize by what was shown to them, what did their parents teach them/how did adults in their life respond when they had made mistakes. So, I would say, it is good for our children to see us make mistakes, and then see us repair in a real, authentic meaningful way. That is so powerful. Your child will make mistakes, and instead of feeling shame, he might feel – hey, mom made mistakes like this before, and hey, she did this and that. And it will give a blueprint for your child for their life, and how they can repair with others WHEN they make mistakes as well. It is still hard for us making the mistakes, but perhaps this silver lining of teaching your child a valuable lesson of what to do when faced with a tricky situation/mistake was made will help.
1) It probably does not speak well of me, either, but I know exactly what you mean by “resentment of one’s spouse can be deeply satisfying”, because I have felt that feel though I’ve never put it into words. Thank you for the validation.
2) If you felt like sharing your schedule for housecleaning (toilets on fridays — what else??) I’d be super grateful. It would be super helpful in my home, where my husband does not clean nearly as WELL as I do, but he does do a LOT more of it (like, almost all of it, thank-you-chronic-illness). But, he does often need to be told WHAT to do and WHEN – and I feel like your schedule might be a great starting point!
3) You kept your house clean during pandemic! I totally … did not.
I would be interested in seeing this schedule as well as a blog post about it asking others to share their schedules as well.
I have been cleaning my house for the past several years after using housecleaners for years before when my children were young, family members largely outnumbered me and I was overwhelmed and the only one who noticed anything needed to be done. I was grateful for them, for sure.
The time came, however, when I realized that bonds that had been given to my children in their babyhood, from their great grandfather, were gone from a drawer in which they were stored. The amount of money didn’t matter, the kids didn’t and don’t even know about them. The fact that their great grandfather, who left school in third grade to work in coal mines, had bought the bonds for them, is irreplaceable. It is over that part that I cry.
I’ve skimmed the other comments and I love the suggestion that you pay yourself for cleaning and that you come up with a new trade-off for having moved. And I adore having this window into how your mind works, and how clearly you describe it, and am so grateful that you share it with us – I am a frequent user of WWSD (Swistle instead of Jesus, obvi). I agree with those who said that admitting you were wrong and apologizing is a massive parenting win, and overrides any damage you may have done earlier (and there’s no way to parent without doing some – the important thing is that we try not to, and abhor and admit when we realize we’ve failed). There is so much wrapped up in this that goes so far beyond a simple theft by housecleaners, and you know that, and articulate it so well, and I wish that comforted you as much as it blesses us.
I want to echo all the people who say that William has learned that you own up to your mistakes and do your best to make them right. But I am so sorry. This is all awful and I’m so angry on your behalf.
I read your post, but not any comments, because I just want to put my thoughts down without thinking “someone said that better!”.
This is tough stuff. Not only did someone steal from you, but you defended them. As a mom, the mistakes I have made can be overwhelming. My daughter is 27, but I still think of the time she was 2 yrs old, and didn’t want to put on her jacket, and I still think “was I too rough when I zipped it up?”. So I absolutely understand how devastated you must be when you discounted William’s experience. BUT…we know our kids misplace things, we’ve had years with that experience. I’m so sad that you have been a victim of this kind of crime. It must have shaken you on so many levels.
You listed some positives. Another positive is that I freely admit being of the “why don’t the kids and husband help out.”. mindset with the housecleaning. Thank you for reminding me that my experiences absolutely color my perspective. I have no idea what is going on in other’s people’s lives, and to be honest, I feel pretty ashamed of myself right now. A good lesson to relearn.
Mary Oliver, Wild Geese
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting –
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
Not exactly related and not sure if anyone has mentioned this, but KC Davis wrote a book called How to Keep House While Drowning. She reframes cleaning as not a moral issue, but merely a way for our home to be functional. Highly recommended.
Given that I too acknowledge that “resentment of one’s spouse can be deeply satisfying” (which was gratifying to see someone else express) and I am also on the resenting-others-who-sit-in-front-of-the-TV-while-I-cook-dinner-and-tidy-the-kitchen-after-dinner train, I am suddenly struck by the temptation to not get this book in my usual audiobook format, but to lay my hands on an actual paper copy, which I can leave where people in my household can see the title.
I also want to mention that although I can kind of imagine a scenario where you’d feel like the accessory life…its also very surprising from the perspective of someone who reads your blog, because you are Swistle, the talented writer and internet celebrity, and Paul is the guy you are married to who maybe does something with computers?
YES! I think this exactly!
Right. Swistle, you are the main character.
I sometimes feel like the accessory life too. I am working on it. I am sorry you are going through all this, you don’t have to minimize it. It’s awful. You are in my thoughts. I think you are a wonderful mother and person.
Your blog is one of the only I still read and I am not sure if I have ever commented here. I read it for exactly this: your manner of breaking down the issue and examining the components is right on. I feel for you; I would have done exactly what you did with your son. That is, reinforce the fact that we are not the kind of people who believe “the help” steals. I too would have sent all the same, albeit wrong messages to the kids in order to die on that hill. And, sometimes we’re wrong. You’re feeling all the feelings and communicating it beautifully- if you’ve ever wanted to, I hope that you’ve explored your options for being compensated for your writing. It’s worth it by a long shot.
However you sort out the cleaning tasks, I do wonder if you’d like to exercise the dog option? Maybe go visit a shelter or look online? That made me smile, just the phrase “dog option,” when you bought the house.
I wonder if marriage counseling would help Paul to understand that something different needs to happen? Or maybe the solution is living apart in your own little cottage. There’s a lot to be said for that idea.
This was definitely a betrayal, not just because of the money stolen, but because of the trust and safety lost. I have been dealing with much of the same feelings, it’s because of a different sort of betrayal, but there are still similarities. You are not alone in feeling this way. My coping thought for my “what if” worries are “I will be able to figure out how handle it then.”
“I think that if I am the “default” cleaner, so that everyone else gets to essentially choose if they clean or not and everything else ultimately falls to me, year after year, that I will end up leaving my entire family to go live by myself in a 1BR/1BA apartment where I will clean only for myself and not have to hate anyone.”
This has been my secret plan FOR YEARS and it comforts me whenever no one else is helping! And I only have two kids. It’s not just you!!!
Thank you so much for sharing. I really appreciate your voice, and so much of this resonates with me too. <3
I read or at least skimmed all of the comments and while I agree that Swistle should negotiate something else in exchange for having moved to the house, it feels very poor that some/most of these things would end up where Swistle still has to expend way more energy than intended, but Paul just gets to pay for something in exchange. With no extra effort. He gets to buy something with money and Swistle still gets to clean floors. UGH.
I don’t know if we are sharing, but a current struggle I’m having with the secondary/invisible mom life right now is that NO ONE says “bless you” when I sneeze. We are not religious, but this is an ingrained habit that we have tried to instill in the kids. They bless each other and their dad (most of the time). They don’t even wait until I’m done sneezing before they are trying to get my attention. I am OVER IT and had a moment in Target yesterday. Today I hit my elbow on the refrigerator (somehow) and my husband paused, saw I was looking at him for acknowledgement, and said “bless you”. It was ridiculous, but did make me feel a little bit seen. And I laughed.
I was just thinking about this. You have four kids at home, you have three bathrooms, the kitchen, and the rest of the common spaces…divvy them up and pay the kids? You were paying the cleaners A LOT.
I don’t know about Swistle’s house, but in my house that would not work. At. All.
Cleaners come and clean. They do it without whining. You don’t nag them.
My kids would complain, half-ass it, or just not do it. I don’t want to nag for them to get paid to clean. I already have to nag my kids to do their regular chores, that they get paid for.
It’s just such a sucky situation.
I get this. I really do.
I’m just here to say that I’m sorry this happened to you and your family, your feelings are valid (I think of your tagline often in my own life), and that if anyone knows a magical way to get other people in a household to do their share of cleaning without being managed all the time they could make billions. I am taking 3 days of vacation this week, essentially to clean and organize our house. Does my husband take vacation to clean and organize (or does he clean/organize when he happens to have time off)? No. Am I bitter? Yes. Because *I* am the one judged of our house isn’t up to someone’s standards. Even if they don’t say it out loud. I’m not managing everyone else well enough. It makes me furious.
So. I hear you and I am so sorry, again. Sending much love.
“I’m not managing everyone else well enough” OOF, this hits home. I had an epiphany the other day about just why I hate it so much when my partner says “Just tell me what I can do to help!”. I know he means well but it makes me so cranky because either I have the stress and responsibility of trying to direct/instruct him on what needs to be done (mental load), or I have the stress and responsibility of nothing being done but it would be if I could just get it together enough to direct. There is no “remove stress and responsibility from my plate” at all.
And why is he calling it “help”?!
I feel you.
One of my kids got home from college last night and when I got up this morning, the dishwasher had been unloaded. Why is he the only one who isn’t me but is still capable of seeing a job that needs doing and doing it? WHY?
I don’t know how old the children in your family (or indeed if there are any) are but an investment that has paid off in my house is adding “teach and supervise” onto the list of chores that need to get done on Saturdays. We usually set aside some time, list all the things we are planning to accomplish and then kinda draft the tasks (within reason due to age/competence) until they are all done. For a little while there, before I thought to name that work, I was “not getting a lot done” because I was constantly side-tracked with supervising the three kids’ work. It was interesting how DH never once signed up for “teach and supervise” and was subsequently appreciative of when/how it was done. So it paid off in two ways: some of my previously unnoticed work got recognised, and *also* DH learned that teach-and-supervise was something he would have to do at times when I wasn’t around (since telling a kid to do something is rarely enough to ensure that it will get done properly, if at all), and the children got taught how to do chores to a reasonable standard, with less and less supervision as they matured.
I really like this.
I love adding “teach and supervise” as a chore too!
Managers get paid a lot most places! And yet, when it’s at home it’s totally invisible.
*shakes fist in anger*
Oh Swistle! I hate this fallout! I hate that it very disproportionately affects you. And that you are in a position that you tried so carefully to avoid while making it possible for others to be in a position that works for them. You absolutely deserve some renegotiation to account for the new, unforeseeable circumstances.
And like BeckyInDuluth, “I think of your tagline often in my own life” and I quote it quite frequently.
I think the fact that you assumed the best in people and tried VERY HARD to continue assuming the best in people is the best lesson/example you could have set. Maybe I’m naive, but assuming people are good is a much better lens with which to view the world. I don’t know if this makes any sense, I’m just saying you’re my kind of person, and I think your kids benefit more from you having that kind of worldview than jumping to conclusions or being suspicious of someone, even if in this unfortunate case that was the actual situation.
Like a previous commenter said, you did your absolute best in every situation as it arose, and that speaks volumes for your character. Your kids are lucky to have you, and you’ve really demonstrated how to handle situations with integrity and grace.
Many, many great suggestions here. I agree that you were handed a terrible opportunity to model correct behavior. The housekeeper got the appropriate consequence, and your son got the appropriate apology and restitution. Things will go terribly wrong in life, despite our careful precautions. You showed how to behave. But now there is the fallout for you, and it is Considerable. I think time will help, but of course that’s a long way away from now. I do want you to have a housekeeper again. The house is too much of a burden for YOU without it; it’s too caustic to your relationship to have him winning the house lottery while all you get out of it is the satisfaction of being able to resent him for cause. Your deal was a good one; you just didn’t know the cleaner was the wrong one. I know there’s a better cleaner for you, and I’m sorry for the workload of finding her. But I hope that it will soon feel worth the effort to handle that. I want you to have both your time and your happy heart back. You made your son whole again; you need to do it for yourself. You need shalom in the home, to borrow from my Jewish friends.
I am so, so sorry that you are having to deal with all of this. Like many of the other posters have said, although you are beating yourself up about what happened with William, you absolutely 100% handled it perfectly. The fact that you are beating yourself up and worrying about it already tells you that you are a good mom (if you weren’t, you wouldn’t care and nor would you have apologized). Don’t forget that parents are human too – we make mistakes and we are not perfect. Acknowledging and owning up to those mistakes and giving an apology is really important, and I am sure William both appreciates it and will remember it.
I hate how much of the fallout of this ended up on you, and this is just such a painful situation all around. I also just wanted to mention that “is there anyone on earth for whom “the husband/children should help more” would be a fresh/new/useful suggestion as opposed to something they had already been working on to the point of screaming frustration for years/decades” struck a chord like HOLY MOLY
The next person who says “why isn’t your husband or kids helping” gets a boot right in the butt.
I’m sad that you and your family are having to deal with this. It does sound very unnerving and disturbing. And that really does stink to move on the condition of having housecleaners and then have it turn out like this. :(
Swistle, I love the way you lay out the situation and methodically comb over each piece – the logic and emotions associated. For me this kind of ruminating often leads me to insights and next steps. No easy answers, but just hugs from an internet stranger.
Thank you for writing this. Your honesty is refreshing and appreciated, and I see you.