I am on Day 3 of a slump. At work yesterday, I was sitting on the floor to sort a shelf of books that were not in the right order, and it took a fair amount of effort not to just lie down right there on the nice cool industrial carpeting. Here is what my brain looks like:
• Elizabeth got her driver’s license. She is certain to be permanently injured and/or killed in a crash, and/or to permanently injure / kill someone else in a crash, and we will have to live with that forever; WHY do we let SIXTEEN-YEAR-OLDS drive CARS???? And the tracking device we put on her phone is not working—and I mean ACTUALLY not working, as in Paul is a computer person and could not get it to work, not as in “Oh, she claims it weirdly stops working when she leaves the house” or whatever.
• Afghanistan appears to be stopping education for girls, just on top of everything else they are doing to women. There is no way to pretend that kind of thing can’t happen here. It’s only within the last 100 years that women in the U.S. could vote, have credit cards in their own names, work after marriage, purchase birth control without a husband’s permission. Women still don’t get equal pay, and many don’t have equality even within their own homes. It is only VERY RECENTLY that there has been pushback over using “he” as gender-neutral. We’ve still LITERALLY NEVER HAD a female president, and that’s not something that is viewed the way it should be. Imagine if we’d had 45 female presidents in a row, never a single male president, and men barely noticed, and just talked hopefully about how neat it would be to have a female president someday. Imagine if until recently, men hadn’t been allowed to vote. Imagine if it used to be that men could only have a credit card if it was jointly held with a wife or mother; imagine if men had been expected to quit their jobs (teaching or nursing or secretarial work) when they had children. Imagine if up until RECENT MEMORY “she” had been considered a gender-neutral pronoun. Imagine if all of that was LESS THAN 100 YEARS AGO, and if one of the two main political parties was talking extensively about getting back to traditional family values.
• Rob is not coming home for Thanksgiving, and the reason he gave us (he gets carsick) seems flimsy. He doesn’t love us, probably, and will never come home again. This is going to be one of those stories where the grown child goes around talking about their Brave Estrangement from their parents, and meanwhile we are never going to know WHY. (In college, I stayed on campus for several holidays, never because of my parents, always for other reasons, and had a marvelous time. I spent one spring break alone in the campus apartment, watching TV, eating Dinty Moore stew and Reese’s peanut butter eggs, and dealing successfully with a bunch of essays/projects that had been stressing me out.)
• Republicans in Congress. And Democrats are bumbling around LETTING THEM, despite holding control of the House, the Senate, and the Presidency, so it is seeming likely that the ENTIRE SYSTEM is corrupt and unworkable.
• People who refuse to get the Covid-19 vaccine are clogging hospitals, so that people with other issues are dying because medical care is not available.
• The kid whose job it is to unload the dishwasher keeps leaving for school without emptying it. By the time they DO empty it, it’s typical for the counter over the dishwasher to be FULL of dirty dishes, which then I end up loading into the dishwasher—and then immediately running it again, because it’s full. I don’t want to have to ACTIVELY MANAGE things so that this doesn’t happen. I want everyone to just do their own stupid chores without ME taking on the task of MANAGING their stupid chores for them.
• It’s only, like, a year, if we’re lucky, until our 45th president starts actively running for the 2024 election and the media starts covering him again all the time. It’s already starting to creep back.
• We have some sort of self-proclaimed “First Amendment Rights activist” who is bothering us at the library. He is filming us and trying to bait us into telling him he isn’t allowed to—because apparently, he IS allowed to. He is also allowed to post those videos of us on YouTube, which he is indeed doing. Relatedly: a few years ago, a patron kept taking photos/videos of my co-worker’s butt as she was working (she was a page at the time, a job that requires a lot of bending over). She eventually called the police—who told her that because she worked in a public building, there was nothing that could be done, and she had to let a stranger continue to photograph/film her butt.
• I keep a tab open in my browser to a local newspaper’s obituaries section. There have been a whole bunch of deaths recently of people in their 40s and 50s. Only a couple of them have mentioned the cause of death.
• The list that goes around sometimes of all the celebrity men over the years who openly exploited young teenage girls and didn’t face any real consequences for that.
• That terrible guy? is apparently still in charge of the U.S. Postal Service? and is still actively making it worse??
• The headlines making a big deal about all the HELPERS (medical workers, police) who are being FIRED for REFUSING TO BE VACCINATED, instead of emphasizing that over 99% of that workforce has been vaccinated, and that MANY MANY PROFESSIONS have mandatory safety regulations/requirements/equipment. We do not allow surgeons to make their own decisions about washing their hands and wearing masks/gloves. We do not allow construction workers to make personal choices about helmets.
• The Covid-19 spread in schools. Worrying about my kids. Worrying about other people’s kids. Meanwhile people claiming that masks are “child abuse.”
Here is what I have tried so far:
• Eating plenty of food, with plenty of calories, because in our culture women learn that the ideal number of calories is zero and anything else is weakness/indulgence; and so sadness/despair can actually be hunger/malnourishment—an actual lack of the actual energy needed by the body/mind in order to function, let alone cope.
• Ice cream purchased/eaten in pints. Another lesson from our culture is that there is something intrinsically therapeutic about eating an entire pint of ice cream directly from the container. I am leaning right into that.
• Mugs of coffee, re-microwaved as many times as necessary to keep them nice and comfortingly hot on cold stressy hands.
• B-complex Stress, sure to help the situation in Afghanistan and the situations here at home.
• Flowers. It is not the glorious time of $2 bundles of daffodils, but the grocery store has $5 “here’s what we’ve got today” bouquets, and today it was one red rose, one pink gerbera daisy, a bunch of interesting lime-green button-looking things, one fern frond. Who even knows what is happening in North Korea, but a vase of flowers is not going to make things WORSE.
• Staying preventatively warm. When I get sad, I get chilly. When I am sad and chilly, I can’t get myself to move from where I’m sitting. All I need to do is walk to another part of the house and get a sweatshirt and some slippers! That would make things so much better! But no. I am too cold to move. I must stay miserable.
• Less time on Twitter, more time reading books in a rocking chair. But then I accidentally read a memoir about a young woman who was beaten and raped by one of her college professors over a period of several years, and how he was never prosecuted for that. So I need to refine this technique. I got out three fresh books: Anxious People by Fredrik Backman; Upright Women Wanted, by Sarah Gailey; and Even Better Brownies, by Mike Johnson.
Just….same. same.
All that talk about getting the senate seats in Georgia saving us and the Democrats (also old rich white folk) can’t get anything done.
Same.
If it helps, I can fixate on creepy library guy for you, leaving you more time to worry about/resent (MY HUSBAND DOES THE DISHWASHER THING I HATE IT) your children.
I could not be more done with the people who insist we need to listen to all voices. There is no value giving a platform to people willfully denying reality.
My husband does too. And I only request he unload the dishes on the weekends! And if I am anywhere nearby he asks me to help!
I spent several holiday breaks at school and/or devised flimsy excuses to go back far earlier than I needed to BECAUSE of my parents. The best thing you can do is respect his decision with minimal guilting of him and keep loving him and trying to understand who he is as a person. It’s SO NORMAL to want to push away a bit at exactly the age Rob is, and if you let him do that AND let him come back without making it too much of A THING, he is much more likely to want to come back to you and engage more when he’s a bit older. My parents didn’t understand this, and now my mom has met my almost-three-year-old exactly once (at three weeks of age and not because I invited her) and that’s just how it is.
oh good so it really could be that he can’t stand us and I will never get to know my grandchildren, good good good
Oh, no, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to pile on and make it worse. You already seem like a better parent than both of mine put together. Just keep doing that and know that it’s normal for him to push away. He’ll come back eventually if you give him space now. (FWIW, I gave my mom plenty of chances to work things through and she… did the opposite. And my dad is dead, so there’s not much to do there.)
<3
EVERYTHING. YES. My brain wants me to lie down in the middle of the floor – any floor, really, maybe the yard? does it matter? – and shut down. Just… do nothing. For a day. Maybe several days. Maybe a week! MAYBE I NEED TO LIE ON THE FLOOR FOREVER.
Now that I’ve written that out so clearly I am genuinely having a struggle with myself to go back to work and not go lie on a floor. For weeks.
Cozy mysteries. That’s how I’m getting through. I seem unable to read anything, but a cozy recently. May I recommend Kate Shackleton? Charles Lennox? Agatha Christie? (I know it’s popular, but I don’t like the Louise Penney mysteries because of the plotline involving Inspector Garmand – I don’t need intrigue and backstabbing. I want a mystery that wraps itself up in a nice little bow)
Ditto! May I recommend the Agatha Raisin series too? If you have an Audible Plus membership, they are included! (I didn’t like the first book very much, but now Im obsessed… and there are around 20 so lots of listening!)
Also, funny podcasts. My Dad Wrote a Porno is my go-to for days when I don’t want to get out of bed. I just play it on repeat all day and it makes my attitude so much cheerier.
My Dad Wrote a Porno is also helping my sad/depressed mood these days. Not permanently, but at least while I’m listening I’m actually laughing out loud/smiling. It’s so great.
Swistle, I always feel seen by your posts, and this one is no exception. The world is shit, everyone in my house is incapable of doing anything without me managing them, and society would have me feeling guilty for not wanting to do it. It’s bullshit, and it makes me sad and angry.
Cozy mysteries written by contemporaries of Agatha Christie? Josephine Tey’s Brat Farrar; Miss Pym Disposes (and 5 others, all really good). Georgette Heyer’s Duplicate Death, Why Shoot a Butler, Envious Casca (and several others. She also wrote regency romances). Ngaio Marsh’s Corpus Christmas (and lots of others).
Miss Fisher? The TV show is pretty fab.
Also, all of you need to come over or we need to go to Swistles or SOMETHING and lie on a floor together. I’m feeling this AND menstrual (WHY DOES THAT HAVE THE WORD MEN IN IT?) and homeschooling and the boy child is sucking SOO much, which is one thing, but also is so much less empathetic than his sister and I cannot raise a terrible boy child. I CANNOT. And town politics are BATSHIT. And getting worse, I need out, except everywhere is a flipping Karen/Chad stew and Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh
I want basically a yoga class, except the only instruction is “Okay, now everyone lie on the floor.” And we just do that for 50 minutes. And then hydrate, maybe some snackers.
This is a thing! (with some guided meditation) It is called Yoga Nidra and it’s amazing.
Me: *DESPERATELY GOOGLING “YOGA NIDRA”
Restorative yoga or yoga nidra. They’re both basically that.
I am newly re-enjoying the Mrs. Pollifax books (Dorothy Gilman). I do like Agatha Christie (I too am a fan of TYING IT UP WITH A BOW endings!), and I tried a Louise Penny long ago and all I remember is that I didn’t feel like reading any more of them.
I adore the Mrs. Pollifax books and often use them as a feel-good reread! So nice to see we have that in common.
Yup. Yup yup yup.
(I’m sorry everything is so enduringly awful.)
I think Anxious People may be just what you need right now. It is engaging and has some twists and turns, but it is not a stressful book. It is lovely, and I think you will really love it.
And same to all of the things you listed.
I like to think about you piling clean dishes in the offending child’s bedroom. Clean ones, because dirty ones, yuck. But then the dishwasher is empty.
I just read an older fiction book called “Wish You Well” (which I bought randomly at a $2/bag book fair) and it was SO GOOD I could not put it down. I read 100 pages the first night (and I have not really read a book in quite a while). It’s set in 1940, about two children with their lives upset by loss of a parent and their subsequent troubles and successes. SO GOOD.
Sending hugs. These are definitely anxiety provoking things.
Re: Covid spread in schools, I have some regional good news. We are in TX, where the school year began in August, with no mask mandate in our district. A mandate was put in place after three days of school. For the next four weeks or so, I received a text almost every day that there was a confirmed positive case in the campus population. For the past week, I have received only one! MASKS WORK, people.
As for the First Amendment activist (?!), he is exploiting the vague nature of much of the Bill of Rights. Sure, he can film in a public place, but it sure seems like if he violates the privacy of the people he films (him and the butt guy, eww), there should be consequences. There is precedent for harmful speech (broadly defined) NOT being protected. Maybe the library admins can find a policy that would get him in trouble? For sure they should keep copies of what he posts and write down dates he visits. He wants trouble, so maybe the admins can get him in the kind that helps them/the staff.
Love, a librarian with a special interest in the First Amendment
Have you seen the recipe for ice cream bread? Mix 1 pint of your favorite ice cream (let it get melty first) with 1-1/2 cups self-rising flour (or use all-purpose plus 3/4 tsp salt and 2-1/4 tsp baking powder), bake in a loaf pan at 350 for about an hour. That’s it! You can mix in other fun things like chocolate chips or sprinkles or nuts or whatever makes you happy. Or at least less slumpy. Take care of yourself!
Oooooooo
I didn’t want to go home for Thanksgiving when I was in university, particularly in first year, especially because up here it’s only a month after school starts. But it’s the only holiday before Christmas, and it’s my birthday weekend, and my parents helped me out financially with school and I didn’t want to seem ungrateful, so home I trekked. It was better after first year because by then I could bring home a friend or boyfriend with me for the weekend, which made it a lot more fun.
Thanks for the book mentions: I loved Anxious People and have now added two Sarah Gailey books to my library holds!
I should have added the reassuring: And as an adult I literally see my mom almost every weekend. Once I got married and had kids I hardly saw friends after that, but I started seeing a ton of my mom, who is a great cook and hosts us for dinner every weekend. And when my mom married my father in-law, well, it’s a great chance for my husband and I to spend time with both our parents.
At this point we also pop by help them with physical chores a lot, and I do their taxes and teleconference in to their many medical appointments, taking notes and keeping records and answering their questions that come up after the fact. We drive them to and from various treatments and appointments as needed as well.
We deliberately haven’t moved away from our very-cold-in-the-winter hometown because we can’t imagine abandoning our parents.
Keeping the obits tab open? Maybe make closing that one of the things to try;) You don’t really NEED to know the extent of the horror so try not looking!
Right here with you on all of this (well, except the postal service because Canada). My son got his driver’s license AND OUR PHONE TRACKER ONLY WORKS IN THE HOUSE. Maybe it’s a glitch from a recent update? I don’t know, when he’s in the house I don’t need to track him, so.
Our province’s hospitals/ ICUs are currently full. Full. I have low-level anxiety about my husband, who has high blood pressure and a weird health condition, and my parents: one had a mini-stroke a few years ago and one has heightened heart attack risk and pre-cancer of his skin. If something emergent should happen? I don’t know what will happen re: going to the hospital. Will they even get care? My friend’s sister is an anesthesiologist and she’s not currently working because all surgeries are cancelled. They need the beds for covid patients. Vast majority are unvaccinated. Oh! And the papers are running articles about people who are unvaxxed and were in the ICU and are saying “we made a mistake! You should get vaccinated!” Which, great? But now you’re all clogging up the system, so.
Anyway. I hear you, I feel you. xo
Sorry if this seems obvious, but has he set his phone to wifi only for data? The phone part will still work anywhere with this setting, but the lack of internet connectivity means no tracking. I had to get my daughter to turn on cellular data in order to track her phone away from the house (and school where she was connected to their wifi), but it took an embarrassingly long time to figure this out.
Hmmm! I don’t know! I’ll check – that would be great if that was the fix. Thanks!
Ha! I should have refreshed the page before commenting!
Thanks Becky and Shawna – that WAS the problem! Fixed!
I raised my arms and gave a little cheer when I read that it had worked!
Is it possible the phone tracker app is not set to use cellular data? I know that seems weird, and it is probably not what’s happening, but that was my first thought because that’s usually what’s happening for me when apps aren’t working away from my house.
Those articles are really starting to grind my gears. There have been so many of them in our paper and I guess the idea is that they are meant to convince the unvaccinated that they should get vaccinated but instead all they seem to be doing is convincing me that so many people are selfish idiots and I can’t deal with it any more. Pant pant pant.
Right there with you, Maggie. JUST NO. I feel like putting on my mom voice “that’s why you should have listened the FIRST TIME.”
SAME. I have lost all compassion for the unvaxxed death bed proclamations. Done. Over it.
We have a solution. If you aren’t part of the solution (masks, vaccination, etc) you continue to be part of the problem (Mahhhh freeeeedom!) You are simply clogging up the hospitals.
I am picturing you being filmed by the You Tube creep while laying down on the “nice, cool, industrial carpet” surrounded by stacks of unshelved books and going viral for hitting the zeitgeist of what a lot of us are currently feeling. All the comments would read things like, “Honestly, same”.
I LOVE THIS JOURNEY FOR ME
I can relate to this. For me I think part of it is also the fact it is getting darker earlier and our sun has been hiding. I did take a 15 minute nap in my car on break yesterday. I also just want to read a good book (Cozy mysteries all the way) in my rocking chair, but unfortunately this is a really busy time for me. I have discovered as I have aged, I can take breaks and nap and not feel like “oh I need to be doing this”. Although I have yet to “nap” at my desk while actually on the job, even though I have felt like it.
Oh YES the earlier darkness! I should maybe start using my sun lamp thingie again.
I feel like everyone I know is taking naps this fall. Like, frequently. I fell asleep at 5 PM in front of Disney+/knitting yesterday. My appetite has been very bear-going-into-hibernation, too. I might unpack my happy light. Good idea!
I Lwas thoroughly charmed by Upright Women Wanted and went on to read everything else Sarah Gailey has written and sign up for their newsletter. I think you will particularly enjoy The Echo Wife. The ones with the hippos are delightful romps that distracted me from *waves hands wildly* and I also enjoyed Magic For Liars. It’s all good!
I read Magic for Liars first, and liked it! I’ll see if I can get The Echo Wife!
Sending you hugs, virtual chocolate and wine. Life is just so very exhausting right now.
SO VERY EXHAUSTING
So I have read you forever and never commented, but I have a good TV show to recommend while you all are horizontal. It’s called Taskmaster, it’s a British comedy game show, there are 11 seasons currently, and it’s only available via Youtube. This show got me through the last 18 months and I rewatch my favorite seasons regularly(Season Four with Mel and Noel from Bake Off is my comfort season). YMMV but I love it and it is just so endlessly funny to me. I hope this helps someone unslump!
That show is such a good one to watch with various generations!
Today was such a hard day for me at school (I teach preschool in a public school). So many top down mandates putting pressure on us, people at home being stupid, and then the whole world being such a mess. I almost cried at lunchtime, and I can’t even blame the time of month since I haven’t had a period for over a year now. I know it could still be hormones, or less sunlight, or literally having to live in this shitty world, but at least we are all in good company. Back to reading comfort books and ignoring the news.
My wife found me crying at my computer today because a song reminded me of my son who’s at college and whom I miss terribly. But it was probably also because I’m newly diagnosed with diabetes and am still in the process of figuring out what I can eat without my blood sugar going out of range, so I’m at least a little hungry most of the time, which isn’t great for my mood.
Oh I feel this. Oldest just left for college on Saturday and I nearly cried in the bread aisle at the grocery store because for a split second I wondered if I needed to get him more sandwich bread before remembering he was gone. On top of everything else that’s a mess in this world missing a kid in college is tough.
This is minor compared to things that really matter, but I’m going to complain a bit because it is putting me into a bit of a slump…..
Over the years I have found one particular brand of shirts that seems to work for my body type (plus size with a stomach). Chaps by Ralph Lauren, peasant tops, 3/4 length sleeves. Over the years, all of these tops that I have bought in my size have worked. I’ve liked some more than others. But a lot of them have made me feel cute and all of them have worked. I’ve bought these at Kohl’s for years. An old stand buy bit the dust recently (after YEARS of a lot of wear) and I went into Kohls a few months ago and made the rounds and looked for my shirts and didn’t find any. I go on the internet and their selection is down to two items. And it has been this way since then. So apparently they are discontinuing the brand or Kohls isn’t selling them. Either way, I’m screwed. So I’ve spent the last several days shopping on PoshMark to try and find second hand ones to buy. And I’ve found some. But it’s still disappointing. These shirts are mostly the only ones I wear any more.
Oh no I HAAAAATE this kind of thing!!! I like to find what works for me and then buy it over and over again!!
Jenny, remember ThredUp too, if Poshmark fails.
And Mercari and/or eBay!
Honestly, the internet is full of “and that’s why I don’t ever talk to my parents” stories and I always have a little worry in the back of my mind that I’m going to end up like that with MY kids.
I know it’s minor in the scheme of things, but that dishwasher scenario? Drives me right over the edge. I am completely done, done, done telling people to do things around the house, especially after having 4 of them here during the pandemic year. DONE. There’s only one kid left out of 6 (age 16), and I am perfectly happy to empty the damn dishwasher myself rather than telling anyone to do it at this point. Once there are only 3 people in the house, the workload is so much less, you just don’t care if you do it all. So there’s that to look forward to!
There is only one left in our house, and after decades of trying to get my husband on board the “Kids need chores” train, I am now happy to let everything go as long as I don’t have to do it.
Except last night I scrubbed down the backsplash behind the range because I couldn’t take it any longer. He said he was sorry I’d had to be the one to do that.
This morning I came down and a pizza box was still sitting on the counter, so I don’t think he seems sorry.
Same. I am just so tired and ….. well you know.
Re: Creep
If there are any minors (or possible minors) in the videos posted, and creep doesn’t have the minors’ parents written permission, Youtube will take them down. Enough complaints and they may ban him. You don’t have to be a parent of the child to complain to Youtube. I believe Youtube will take down videos when they see the complaint and only reinstate them with proof of permission from creep.
Nicole, I just clicked through to your blog because I moved three weeks ago from across the country to what I suspected was the southern part of your province and I was right! Hi neighbour. It seems that it’s quite a pickle here. No masks at our school when we arrived, it was mandated the next week. My son, who had been wearing one all along, was taken aback by the vitriol regarding masks shown by many of the teens on his morning bus. The bus driver regaled them with “anecdata” about the horrors of the vaccine all the way to school. It’s been quite a culture shock, particularly since people are actually super kind and welcoming to us. It’s all very confusing to know what’s what anymore.
Thank you for writing about your slump, Swistle. So good. I’m sorry you are slumpy. I’m addictively watching the BBC’s Fake or Fortune on YouTube. I freaking love that show. You might like it too. Xx
I’m sorry. It can be SO hard to un-slump sometimes, and I know I get in a bad head space where all my problems seem to compound. One thing that has helped me GREATLY this past year is that I have stopped using social media. I’ll still read blogs and such, but no Facebook/ Twitter/
Instagram, etc. I was a facebook-er previously, and getting rid of it has helped my overall mental state a lot. Not seeing stupid people’s stupid opinions, being permanently depressed about the state of society, etc has been a lot easier without reading all of it blasted on facebook. Plus,
I’ve decided the social media companies are evil so I’m happy to no longer contribute to their bottom line. This may not be a problem for you, but just thought I’d share. (Absolutely do NOT get rid of your blog though. It is my favorite, and I always love to see a new post!)
Hi neighbour! *waves frantically* OMG the bus driver, what even. WHAT EVEN. I assume you’re not in my city, because the CBE actually mandated masks before school started, and I have never before been so grateful to the CBE in my life. My parents are in the central part of the province which is a super hot spot, and tends to be “FREEEEDOM” kind of place, know what I mean? Anyway, ugh. But hi!!
Check for data saver as well as checking the wifi/data options. Give the specific app the permission to use data when data saver is on too.
Coming to say: “Anxious People” while from the title does not SEEM to be a warmly enjoyable book to read to escape one’s own personal anxieties…TOTALLY IS. Loved this book and immediately read it again…you’ll see why after you read it the first time. SO GOOD.
Also: MRS POLLIFAX!!! Off to reread that series!!!
In searching for Mrs Pollifax books in my library system – THERE IS A MRS POLLIFAX MOVIE. Rated G, released in 1971. Immediately reserving!
There’s another one too I believe a little more modern. Mrs. Pollifax – Spy 1971 and The Unexpected Mrs. Pollifax 1999. Love the books!
Ooh thanks for the tip! And the 1999 Mrs Pollifax is ANGELA LANSBURY. Perfect casting!
My 11 year old and I watched all 12 seasons of Murder She Wrote (and the four made for TV movies!), much of it during the early months of the pandemic, and I cannot recommend J.B. Fletcher enough for making one feel soothed.
Ok, original Mrs. Pollifax recommender (and all of you that agreed) I had never heard of her and picked up an audiobook and she’s perfect. I love her. Thank you!
Also, I recently read the first two Sparks and Bainbridge books and they are in a similar vein (well, Pollifax + Maisie Dobbs, I would say).
Just wanted to say that I relate to everything you said so much. And, I too have an almost 16 year old who is learning to drive. I woke up in a cold sweat the other night thinking about how in less than 3 years she will likely be away at college (if we even survive the driving thing!). And, I won’t have the distraction and joy of her being here and her funny, funny stories. She will probably never come home for Thanksgiving once she leaves because we already have to wear ear plugs at dinner because of the men-people’s chewing noises. She will probably never come home for an eating event again. Anyway, solidarity sister. Your blog helps me out of my slumps.
Hugs to the collective Swistle community. These are such fraught times.
I’m stressing this week about my kid with mental health challenges and a disturbing new situation related to that. We got her some medication and I’m feeling hopeful again that things will turn around.
My go to de-stressors are walks and gardening. It’s hard to be upset after being outside.
I read the post and was like “big time same” and felt sad and heavy, and then I read all the comments and felt a little better – I devoutly hope you did too. I have two kids in university right now and this weird guilt feeling that maybe I should have taken the considerable money we’re spending on that and tried to do something else good in the world with it, because the world is broken and what’s the point of them getting a degree even? But I don’t actually want to lay my annihilating sadness and ennui on my kids, so I’m trying to go through the motions, celebrate joyful moments, and do small useful things (your list is very helpful). Does the dishwasher unloading kid have a phone that a dishwasher-unloading alarm could be set on?
Oh boy. That list. The filming makes me apoplectic.
When I slump I have a two part recovery method. Part One: slump hard. PJs, sad movies, ice cream, refuse to DO anything for anyone (this lasts one day usually). Part Two: self care hard. Take vitamins, eat well, get gentle exercise, sleep longer, watch comedy, talk on the phone, do less for my family to make time for self care (i.e. let them make their own dinner, not leave them to starve to death on a snowy stoop – just to be clear, no need to judge me).
Re Rob. I have been slumping over my teen who has done exactly nothing with me lately. Even offered of driving lessons are being rejected. A friend talked to me about how kids go from total dependence to independence over time BUT there is a tension point where for a period they are emotionally more independent than physically and parents are normally behind the kids at this time on the amount of emotional separation they are ready for. This is totally normal. It doesn’t mean you are a bad mother, or your kids are going to leave FOREVER. It just means that they are developing a and growing and all is as it should be. But also just like it is normal and healthy for them to go of to preschool it is still a sad point for parents because we aren’t quite ready yet (but they are keen). I think this is nature’s way of ensuring kids are protected. Parents dont get sick of carrying for them before they are ready to be independent.
Tldr: is fine, you will be ok, Rob will be ok. Hugs.
I feel this so hard. I literally cried yesterday for no reason and also for all the reasons. Sometimes it is all too much.
I think I may be the only person in the world who did not like Anxious People. I thought it should be re-titled Annoying People. I listened to it as an audiobook so I am blaming it on the reader because everyone in my book club loved it.
After hearing about the jerk filming you and your colleagues at the library I am over here fantasizing of ways to get justice. Wear a giant cape that simply has the letters F U or U R A LOSER on the back. But this is probably against the rules of the library since it could be offensive. OR I come to the library and film the filmer and post it to YouTube as MY first amendment right allows.
My son, who graduated from college in May, decided to get married in September. I’m now a mother-in-law which feels like the equivalent of Disney villain in our society. Several acquaintances and co-workers have teased me about this title I didn’t ask for. Feeling very Eeyore about everything right now. ps – very different story for my husband who has been elevated to jovial, warm hearted father-in-law who looks “too young” to have a married son – I’m 50 and he’s 55. I’m stereotyped as Maleficent and somehow he’s jolly Kris Kringle.
I know some people with awesome mothers-in-law and I am sure you’re one of them.
Thank you so much. I’m trying so hard to be supportive but never intrusive, cheerful and sincere – your kind words made my day better.
The fact that you are trying is more than some mothers in law will ever achieve! It sounds like it was all a little abrupt and will take some getting used to. Like any relationship the daughter in law/mother in law takes time to grow.
I loved my mother in law. She died 5 years ago, and I still sometimes think I’d like to call her and update her about our kids. I miss her.
I have the best mother-in-law ever. There are good ones: therefore, you can be a good one. :-)
I stayed at school for Thanksgiving 2 out of the last 4 years — I get major FOMO when away from campus. I was also friends with some people who didn’t have safe homes to return to, so joining them for friendsgivings always felt like a way to be there for them in a chosen family way.
I would like to recommend the book the thursday murder club and it’s just released sequel as outstanding distractions/cheer-ups.
I am not saying that I am Rob 1.0, but for what it’s worth I was (and am) always an introvert, always found it hard to engage with the family, etc. Not impossible and not necessarily unpleasant*! Just hard.
(*interactions with ANYONE can be unpleasant at times, including family, friends, and co-workers – I don’t mean that family sucks but I have always gone tra-la-la and frolicked happily with everyone else.)
It can be incredibly hard to come out of myself enough to actually intentionally seek out interaction and make it meaningful, even if it’s relatively small stuff. I interact with my kids because they’re here all the time (we’ve passed 100 days in lockdown which is a factor!) and because they need me to do stuff or I need to get them to do stuff. That’s easy.
Long story short- er, somewhat less long – I initiate engagement more these days with my sisters and dad and stepmother, because I got better overall at doing so (I still have bad days!) and I genuinely love them all. Maybe that’s a factor with Rob, along with the usual age-appropriate pulling away thing with him.
I totally understand being stressed about it. My oldest is 21 and is talking about moving out. I know we’ll still talk, but it won’t be the same without being able to just have those little incidental chats during the day, and a large part of my hindbrain keeps wailing MY BABYYYYYYYY.
You’re loving, flexible, responsible, and intelligent with him (in no particular order). I think he needs to settle into his new normal re relating with you and the rest of the family, and the new normal has to adapt to covid nonsense too. I’m no expert in him or your family, but my assvice is that his new normal will involve willingly spending more time with you again than he is right now.
I also suggest cookies, but that’s not assvice, that is a proven form of medication.
Oh, I had a Thought, and it is a Bonding With Family While Geographically Separated Thought, and it may or may not be helpful to you.
There’s a useful website called Kosmi where you can share your screen to watch shows with anyone anywhere with an internet connection. It’s free. No ads. You can make an account to use it, which means that you pick your username and your own user pic, and you don’t need a credit card to sign up – just an email address. But you can use it without an account, too. Just means that in the chat window your username will be picked for you and it will be something very serious like “Anonymous Goat” or “Anonymous Lion”.
The way I use it is that in one tab in Chrome I have the thing to watch, on YouTube, Netflix, etc. In another tab I have Kosmi open. I can set up Kosmi to display any of my other Chrome tabs. In my YouTube/etc tab I just hit play or pause like I would normally if I were the only person watching.
I know you can do this kind of thing through Zoom or Teams as well, but this has no time limit on it for free accounts, and it’s not Microsoft. There’s a chat window, and you can also turn on your own video and microphone so you can be seen and heard if you like.
(I do not work for Kosmi and get no money if you try it, lol.)
Sydney, where I live, has been in lockdown for months. My kids and I have still been able to watch things with their cousins, and even my dad & stepmother & sister have joined in from other cities in Australia. My kids and I have still watched things this way a few times when it’s just been us. They make their microwave popcorn and settle down in their own spots in the house. We make silly comments in the chat window and make faces at each other.
So my Thought is that if you haven’t considered it already, perhaps this is another little way to bond with Rob while he’s not at home? Maybe he would be willing to join in with you guys to watch an episode of a show now and then, or even a whole movie.
https://app.kosmi.io/ then
my rooms
create a room
keep it on private, click create
watch party
load media
screenshare
“click here to share your screen”
click the box bottom left that says Share Audio, choose Chrome Tab, click Share
If you make a mistake just start again
Once it’s all set up, copy the link at the top (it’ll have random letters and numbers at the end) and send it to whoever. You can watch with just text chat, but you can also click on your video and microphone if you want to.