I have successfully dropped Rob back at his college. I told him I wanted to leave at 9:00 a.m. and we were on our way by 9:45, which is better than the year I said 9:00 and he wasn’t ready until noon. Progress.
On our way there, he realized he had forgotten:
• sheets
• comforter
• pillow
• shaving cream
• laundry detergent
• the frying pan he’d told his roommates he would bring
• which, as it turns out, he thought they wanted a baking pan rather than a frying pan
• so it’s just as well he forgot it
• and who knows what else he’ll realize over the next days/weeks he’s also forgotten
He is 22 years old, and I have made a CONSCIOUS EFFORT to gradually back off over the years, so that he will be ready to launch. When he was getting ready for his first year of college, I helped him make a list; the second year, I asked if he wanted me to print out a copy of the list; after that, I assumed he now HAD the list and/or knew he COULD HAVE the list, and/or could use that as a basis for his own list. The first year, I went over the list with him: “Do you have this? How about this? Did you pack that? It’s a good idea to have a separate little list for last-minute items”—but after that, I assumed he understood that method and could do it himself. This year is his FIFTH, and I did nothing except tell him what time we were leaving, because he is a grown adult and can manage his own life—and he forgot a whole CATEGORY of crucial things, and when I said “WHAT?? HOW??” he said it was hard to remember everything. I said “This is WHY I MAKE LISTS.” I didn’t just say that. We were driving at 65mph and he was trapped in the car with me and I had plenty of time, so I went on at some length, with examples.
The journey itself was…okay. Many of the rest stops were closed, which not only meant I had to plan more carefully, but also meant that the remaining rest stops were very crowded. There were signs everywhere saying face masks were REQUIRED indoors for all, REGARDLESS of vaccination status. About half of the people indoors were not wearing masks; even quite a few employees were unmasked. There was no enforcement of the mask policy at all. I heard a lot of coughing, including loud extended coughing sessions that would have caught my attention even in non-pandemic times. We used the restrooms as quickly as possible, then got food and took it outside to eat at our car.
The hotel, too, had large signs saying everyone must be masked indoors except when they were in their own rooms; the signs asked that guests consider their own safety, but also the safety of hotel staff, and of other guests. The hotel’s desk clerk, standing in front of one of those signs, was not masked. About half of the other guests I saw were unmasked. I saw several members of the cleaning staff; they were all masked. I left a big tip for housecleaning.
I usually like to go to the mall’s Food Court to get dinner (especially if I have kids with me, so we can all choose our own food and don’t have to agree on one place), and almost all of the Food Court restaurants were closed—not just closed for the night, but closed as in stripped of signs and everything inside. There was a pizza/subs place and a coffee-and-ice-cream place and the rest of it was empty and dark. It was unsettling and upsetting.
After I dropped off Rob and his stuff, I found I was very, very, very twitchy. I sometimes get pretty twitchy at that point of the process anyway, and I don’t know what it is—especially since I SO look forward to the time alone, and then there I am, my mission accomplished and hours of happy alone time stretching ahead of me, and that’s when sometimes I get a very unpleasant feeling. Long ago, when I was trying therapy, I described the feeling to a psychiatrist and she nodded and said “Panic,” and wrote me a prescription. So I guess it’s panic. But WHY panic, is the question. When I was describing it to the therapist, it had been happening at a similar sort of time: I’d arrange to leave my small children with their father and go out for some time by myself, and I’d be out by myself, and instead of feeling wonderful and free I would feel like everything was scary and full of potential doom, and the store would feel eerie/creepy and as if something bad were about to happen, and the light felt wrong both indoors and out, and I would feel skittery and unhappy and heart-poundy and I would just want to GET OUT OF THERE and get back home. Which as you can imagine is very discouraging if you have been just about PERISHING for some alone time and you finally get some and then you hate it.
Anyway, it still sometimes happens. I’d thought it might happen this time in particular, since I knew I’d already be a little pre-twitchy with pandemic-related things. I wish I’d thought to bring along one of the several take-as-needed medications I’ve hoarded since that time in therapy, but I hadn’t. (NEXT TIME IT WILL BE ON MY LIST.) Instead I tried the 4-7-8 yoga breathing, but the holding-my-breath segment made me feel frantic so I stopped that, and instead talked quietly and kindly to myself (easier with a mask, where it’s harder for other people to tell you’re doing it): “You’re fine. You’re fine! This is all completely fine. Nothing is wrong, and everything is fine. This is the feeling of panic, but it is panic on its own, with nothing scary happening to cause it. You thought you might feel weird like this, and you do, and you know from experience that soon you will not feel this way anymore. Let’s get you some dinner to take back to your nice comfy hotel room, and you can watch some HGTV while you eat and won’t THAT be nice! No, don’t just flee to the hotel room: I think dinner is going to be helpful.”
This is unfortunately when I drove to the Food Court to get some familiar comforting teriyaki chicken and rice, and found that place had gone out of business, as had all the other Food Court places where I like to get food. I went instead through the drive-through of a Taco Bell (the first familiar place I saw), chose pink lemonade as my drink (I love their pink lemonade, and I thought it would provide Comfort and Cheer as well as Hydration), took everything back up to my hotel room, turned on the TV, and tried to settle in. By the time I’d watched part of an episode of House Hunters (it was the one where SHE wants a charming fixer-upper with character and HE wants something brand-new with high ceilings, and he says something like “she has a lot of strong opinions about what she wants, but I want to make sure it’s a place that’s right for BOTH of us,” and so they compromise on…the place that is exactly what he wants, with nothing of what she wants, where in fact she specifically STATES that it is as if the agent chose it exclusively for him but with nothing for her, and in short I suggest she get out of this before they have kids), and eaten most of my familiar comforting food, and consumed the entire pink lemonade and refilled it with water and had some of that as well (I didn’t drink enough during the day, because I didn’t want to have to stop at too many rest areas), I was feeling okay again, and had a nice evening watching TV and eating candy.
Oh! An audiobook report! Thank you SO MUCH for all your recommendations—that is going to be an EXCELLENT reference for future trips, too. I made a list of the ones that sounded most likely, and then from those I selected what happened to be available on the shelf of my library: I picked a Maeve Binchy as planned, plus a David Sedaris, plus the John Green Anthropocene thing. I let Rob pick what he wanted to listen to on the way there, and he picked the David Sedaris, and we listened to the first part of three or four segments and then gave up on it. I’d made the mistake of choosing the “best of” one, and apparently David Sedaris’s own favorites (at least on the first disc) are the ones I skip/skim in his books: fake newsletters, fake Christmas card letters, fake reviews. My favorites are his real-life stories about his real life/family. I will choose better next time, and/or look ahead at what’s on which disc so I know which discs to listen to.
On the way home, I tried the John Green one and thought it was PERFECT for a road trip: interesting, soothing, no big deal if I don’t listen to the whole thing on one single trip. I listened to the first two discs, and then tried to put the third disc in, and the CD player said there was already a disc in there but failed to spit it out when I pressed eject (because there WAS NO disc in there), and I tried a bunch of different things (AFTER PULLING OVER of course) and nothing worked, and the CD player kept saying it was trying to read a disc that wasn’t in there, so then I had to listen to the radio for the rest of the trip, which is normally fine and I enjoy it, but this time I was comparing it to what I WANTED to be doing, which was to be listening to more of the John Green thing.
Well! It was fine! It was all fine! I am home safe and sound, and not at all fretting irritably about what else Rob might have forgotten to bring, or imagining that I feel my throat getting sort of…coughish.
Lord God above what a selection of crucial belongings to forget. Essentially all that belongs to you at this time in your life is your bed, right? It is a feature player in the college show. I just.
Tonight my girls arrived from their dad’s house, and hours later, one realized she’d left her school computer behind. SIGH OF ALL MOTHER FLIPPING SIGHS.
I am just curious-what is Rob’s plan with his bedding?? Does he expect you to mail it to him? Is he going to buy/borrow more?? Just—sleep on a bare mattress?? Inquiring minds want to know!
We stopped at a Target near his school and he was very lucky that we managed to get some of the very last scraps of their inexpensive line of college bedding. They seriously had only three comforters left, total, and one of them was king-sized.
Did he pull out his wallet? Funny, we spend all their childhood preparing them for adulthood and I guess they just have to learn in this way.
When I get cd’s for a drive (though my new car is new and improved and does not have a cd player) I borrow 3 or 4 at a time just in case….
Given that I used to find Noah’s homework in the printer tray after he’d left for school all through middle and high school, I feel lucky all he forgot to take to school this year was a bunch of toiletries that were easy to acquire once we got there.
So glad you updated your audio choices! Sorry to hear about the rest that didn’t work out. Man oh man, there is no hope for us if a 22 year old can’t pack his essentials! My kids are still young but I’m trying to teach them some very simple housekeeping items – like taking your dishes from the table to the kitchen when you’re done, looking at your clothes at the end of the day to see if anything needs to be put into the laundry, etc. They are so slow and need so many reminders that it would be easier for me to do it but I’m planning ahead! Sigh…
I am sorry to report that I did this same planning ahead / tedious work (all part of the “preparing them to launch” plan), and yet here we still are. The good news is that SOME of the younger kids are ALREADY better than the 22-year-old (the 20-year-old had a list on a clipboard; first item on list: “clipboard”)—but I think they would have been that way even without my efforts (though without the 22-year-old I would have THOUGHT it was because of all my training, which would have been satisfying!).
“First item on list: ‘clipboard’ ” 😂
First, yikes in the forgetting. It is a balance of trying to teach them to think for themselves, and not ending up TWO HOURS AWAY for a water polo tournament and hearing, “uh, mom? I forgot my suit.” Despite assuring me he had packed it. So I’m still in that “checking to make sure” stage. And also, I just watched that House Hunters. And man, I really hope it was the editing, but I really wondered at her life choices, in both husband and house.
I had a 2 year old on my 22nd birthday! I was living by myself, 3,000 miles away from my parents! I had a full time job!
Anyway I would’ve MURDERED Rob. I’m very, very proud of you for not doing that.
Panic attacks are so awful, and I’m so sorry. The worst part of it really is that they make absolutely no sense.
I also forgot all of my bedding when driving back for one of my last years in college. If it makes you feel better, I did eventually become a responsible member of society.
I commend you for letting Rob just figure things out on his own but GEEZ ROB GET IT TOGETHER, YOU FORGOT SHEETS. I am also really trying to take that “I have taught you and now you need to complete this task on your own” method but honestly, sometimes.
I am sorry your trip wasn’t that great. I remember the first time I went to the mall after lockdown, and so many stores were closed and signs were gone, and it was just so depressing. I have also had that panicky feeling, and it’s really awful.
I don’t know about audiobooks, but Calypso by Sedaris is my favourite, probably because there aren’t any of those fake stories, but it’s all stories about his life and family.
I made my daughter a list for her mornings and in turn got a lecture on how it was TOO MUCH. Mask is still forgotten on a routine basis. I’m trying but omfg it’s hard.
Glad you got thru it all Swistle!
I have been known to groan “WE HAVE BEEN DOING THIS FOR EIGHTEEN MONTHS.” when i get in the car, put it in reverse, hit the brakes and say “Wait. Do you have your masks?” Then I have to put it in park and they all run in and scramble for masks. Incidentally, i have a bin of clean masks by the back door BUT NO ONE WANTS TO USE THE BIN. THEY CAN KEEP THEM IN THEIR ROOMS GAH MOM.
I keep a box of masks in the car that stay in the car because I’ve debated leaving kids in a hot car I was so annoyed they forgot masks again.
My car box includes one for my husband because he is just as bad as the kids.
Me too! I bought cheap pencil cases at the dollar store and put less-favourite reusable masks for me and the 3 kids in each, then each car got one in the glove box. I don’t dare put a mask for my husband because he is so frickin’ picky about which masks he’ll wear.
Your right to be picky about which mask you wear ends the moment you forget to bring it with you, just sayin’ :)
This is what I resent the most – when I make a list for someone or try to help them to remember something and I get treated as though I’m over coddling them or don’t trust them or am just an idiot and then OF COURSE something vital is forgotten. The forgetting is a hassle, the beforehand treatment is enraging. So I try not to do it anymore with my child who forgets things but who is also prickly. Things are still forgotten but at least I don’t feel enraged.
Wait, Maggie, DO YOU LIVE IN MY HOUSE???
I experimented with not really helping the 14yo pack for a long weekend trip this summer…he forgot his mandatory nightly retainer. We did not turn around when he discovered it 40 minutes from home.
It’s personality trait – the disorganization and forgetting things. My husband is like that. I’m always walking the line between letting him figure it out/take responsibility and stepping in so important stuff doesn’t get completely forgotten. When we were first together I’d help him look for his keys. After doing that one million times, now I just say ‘No, I haven’t seen them.’ Since missing a few appointments recently, he just now decided to use a calendar. He’s 46.
I am a Realtor and was on House Hunters. The producers do not actually tell us what to say but they do want some sort of conflict between partners. My buyers had the same mutual goal, buy a vacation home near the water. But, when we filmed, the plot became: he wants a fixer, she wants move in ready and how could they afford a fixer. You will note that on almost every single episode, there is a conflict between partners….hmmm. OH, the wife in the episode I did didn’t tell any of her friends or family about the airing or that she had even done it as she was afraid she would look like a *itch in the episode. (They filmed about 20 hours for a 21 minute segment. ) With all that filming, they could have edited it that way. They didn’t and she was portrayed as her real self, a true darling. He was portayed as himself, a great guy with a dry sense of humor. It was a very fun adventure and the buyers and I are still friends!
Do real estate agents watch House Hunters and guess what the real story is? There are a few that are stuck in my brain even though I saw them years ago, which means I’ve had plenty of time to make up back stories for them:
The Scottish doctor and his wife who were moving to Australia: I am sure that she thought she was going to get discovered because (she thought) she was so very gorgeous and sexay. I imagined that he had married her because she got pregnant in the early days of their dating.
Houseboat seeker who could not stop using the phrase “a sense of intimacy with the water.” Disappointed that she had had to abandon her career in order to be a Good Corporate Wife. Expected his retirement to mark their move to a more-egalitarian marriage and plenty of say in their recreational activities.
The woman with the turtle. I gave up. What the heck, turtle lady?
I did House Hunters in the US. There are some hints that I won’t share that would lead a watcher to guess the chosen property while watching the show with pretty high accuracy . And, let’s just say,
in Lottery Dream Home, It’s my opinion that they’ve already bought the property before the show is filmed. Just my opinion. Who would want to film all that with time and expense only to end up where the buyers don’t buy (one of the three properties!) ? Or, how could the buyers be lucky enough to be shown 3 homes and choose one as the perfect home, sweet home. That rarely happens in real life….
I’ve noticed that the same-sex couples are allowed to be likable. I think being gay automatically makes you interesting enough to not need to bicker through the whole episode? We watched House Hunters: Renovation yesterday with a charming gay couple in LA who had a toddler and spent waaay too much money on their (amazing) renovation.
I also call shenangians on every. single. person. having a preferred style of architecture. Most people care much more about the inside than the outside. I don’t even know what style the house I live in would be called, and that’s just fine with me.
OMG Rob. Are you tempted to let him sink? I do think planning ahead is a trait/habit you have or you don’t- see your other kid with the clipboard. People who don’t plan ahead sometimes think it’s too much work, but as a planner I maintain that it’s the same amount of work either way. It’s just a question of when you do it: fretfully beforehand or frantically at the last possible minute.
I think people can eventually learn to plan, but for some it’s just never going to come naturally. And we all need a little grace every once in a while, says the woman who carries roughly 90% of the mental load for my spouse but also forgets my keys or my phone occasionally. On more than one occasion, in the Before Times, he would meet me to deliver them at a point midway between our offices.
Link to a lovely essay below, but I should add that I am very much more inclined to be gracious to someone who is apologetic rather shrugging off their lapses with an “Oops! What can ya do, though, right?” YOU CAN MAKE A LIST LIKE I DO, THAT’S WHAT
https://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2014/11/04/not-rescuing-our-kids-shouldnt-mean-letting-them-flounder/
We’re (ok just H) driving Oldest to college (2,000 miles away) for the first time in two weeks and he’s . . . packed nothing but his winter gear. I washed and packed his bed linens, towels, and detergent. Nothing else has been packed. I’m trying very hard not to stress and nag and over manage him. He wanted to go 2,000 miles away, he doesn’t think he’s going to need a lot of stuff (!) and between Youngest starting in a new school and working FT I don’t have the bandwidth to harass him. H is also evidently uninterested in making a list for Oldest or harassing him so… In short, god only knows what he’ll actually go to school with other than winter gear, linens, towels, and detergent. There is a Target relatively near where he’s going and since H is driving him they can enjoy going to the Target 15 times together. Also we’ve got an Amaz0n account so that’s going to have to do. Deep breaths.
My son forgot all of his pants going to college this year. How they forget things I do not know!
I haven’t heard anything about daughters not being prepared…or did I miss something….
I’m not here to tell you stories about other people’s kids, but between my friends’ kids and the posts on parent pages for a couple of colleges, I can assure you that the teachable and the resistant come from across the gender spectrum
This comment section is very clearly showing me that my two (currently small) children are absolutely going to mature into one Clipboard Haver and one Will Never Remember Pants-er.
Me to the kids: We are staying one night, so pack one change of clothes, your toothbrush, and whatever entertainment you want.
Kids: I KNOW. STOP NAGGING.
Me, just before we leave: Okay, you have a full change of clothes – tshirt, pants, underwear, socks and pajamas – and a toothbrush?
Kids: OMG, MOM, STOP. WE ARE NOT STUPID.
Kids yelling at bedtime: I forgot my toothbrush! And I don’t have clean underwear! Why didn’t you make sure we had it in the bag? The whole trip is ruined and it’s your fault!
Me: *head explodes*
Kids at funeral: I don’t understand why she always got so worked up over little things….
I picture this being my exact eulogy.
Hot cocoa breath is a good one to try in those awful moments, (you don’t have to hold the breath in the middle). I like a good mantra like you (I am safe I am safe etc). Sometimes it feels like the anxiety is just waiting for us to stop moving so it can catch up with us. I like to tell myself: of course I’m anxious living through a pandemic, we’re allowed to feel this way. Somehow that helps too. Glad you got home safely. ^_^
Just hanging out here, savoring “I didn’t just say that. We were driving at 65mph and he was trapped in the car with me and I had plenty of time, so I went on at some length, with examples.”
Yes! That was my very favorite part. Exceptional. Brilliant!
Oh thank god other people are also giving themselves bracing pep talks beneath their masks as they navigate mid-Covid society with increasingly levels of panic. I thought it was just me.
I have a senior in high school who is planning to go somewhere to college…. I am making a list or five after reading this post and the comments, so thank you, friends.
I found the audio book post helpful too! I’ve been listening to Project Hail Mary incessantly since reading the post and it is so good!