Yesterday I realized it had been awhile since I’d seen anything on Facebook from my old high school friend Dave. I went to his Facebook page to see if there were any clues, and to see just how long it had been since he’d posted anything so I could consider if it was worth messaging him to check in—and it was a “Remembering” Facebook page because he died four months ago. I don’t know of what. Covid? Heart attack? Suicide? I wish it were considered more normal to say the cause of death. It feels helpful to the whole processing of it. It is just a DIFFERENT THING if he died one way versus another.
I am feeling a little stunned. We weren’t super close, but we were closer in high school, and in fact tried a couple of dates. We realized pretty quickly that we were Flirty Friends and not people with Genuine Romantic Possibility—but still, he is in the small elite group of People I Have Kissed. Since high school we’ve just exchanged friendly emails now and then, and we were friends on Facebook, and that’s about it. He came into town once for a class reunion and asked if I wanted to get together, and I didn’t think it seemed like a good idea, and now I kind of wish I’d said yes—but if he were still alive right now, I wouldn’t be regretting my decision, so.
I would like to send a card to his family (he had a wife and two children), but it is hard to know what to say. I would not mention the kissing part. But maybe this is a situation where a card from me is not valuable. I wasn’t a close friend. I don’t know if “stories from high school” are particularly appealing to the widow. I keep thinking that I should err on the side of Doing Something, but then mentally composing a draft for the card and getting stuck. I feel like it’s even more awkward since literally MONTHS passed before I knew.
I think a card that says “I’m so sorry to learn of Dave’s passing in {Month}. I remember him fondly and wanted to share my condolences to you and let you know that he was important in my life. He will be missed. ” Or something of that sentiment. It’s never too late to let someone know that they were thought of.
Send a card, share any non-kissing memories, yes, absolutely, even more so now that time has passed and others have “moved on.”
Signed, Fluent in Grief
I agree. I lost my dad when he was only 49 and I treasure the few stories that were posted on his memorial page. One was from elementary school! Share one that highlights his personality.
I think a card, sharing a (as Devany says, non-kissing) memory, particularly one that shows some wonderful aspect of his character, would be very much appreciated. I’m so sorry.
Agree that sending a card would be kind. To address the time lapse, I’m a fan of explicitly laying things out like, “Just recently learned of Dave’s passing and wanted to send my condolences…”
Definitely feel you should send a card with some humorous high school memory or memories.
I know it is difficult to think of what to say, but just that you are thinking of his family, and hope this can add to their good memories of him.
I think sending a card is always the right decision, especially if the card is sincere vs perfunctory. I would send something along the lines of I just learned of Dave’s death and I’m so sorry for your loss. And then that you were friends in high school, and thought he was a great guy, etc.
Agree on sending a card. In some ways, it may be more meaningful now that so many other people have gotten back to their normal lives. It can be a good reminder that he is not forgotten and they are thought of and cared about. I think any memories you choose to share would be welcome. He isn’t there anymore to be himself and tell his stories to his wife and kids, and you can fill in a small part of that huge gap.
This is what I was going to say. There is usually an immediate outpouring of support, then kinda nothing while the grief-stricken are left alone. I think a nice card just about how he was a good person and friend and you’re so sorry to hear of his passing is a lovely gesture.
Oh Swistle, I’m so sorry. What a shock and a loss, even if you weren’t close.
I think it is never too late to acknowledge the loss of someone in your life — and a kind note with a memory about Dave seems sure to be meaningful to his family.
It’s not as though his family is done grieving, and it’s totally reasonable that you only found out now.
Send the card, ideally with a memory that illustrates why you thought highly of him
Was there any mention in the obituary about memorial gifts? You could do that. Make a donation somewhere in his memory – one where a card would be sent to the window. It might be nice for her to know someone is thinking about him.
Life is too short. Send the damn card.
My sister lost her husband suddenly this winter to a cardiac incident, and at least in her case, she would probably love to get a nice note with a memory of him from someone who knew him. A couple of his friends from college (before she knew him) wrote or came to the funeral, and she really appreciated their thoughtfulness, and I know it can be hard as time goes on and you still miss that person but it feels like others have moved on.
I would send a card that says something like “I’m so sorry to hear of Joe’s passing. I knew him in high school. You and your family are in my thoughts. -Swistle”
Oh! I used brackets to say “insert story about him here, if you have one” right after “I knew him in high school” but the website read it as code and stripped it out.
Echoing everyone else here to say, send the card.
I am so sorry. It’s always a shock when someone we’ve known for long dies. I agree with the others – send a card. The family will definitely appreciate it.
Yep, send the card. It doesn’t have to say anything much, just I am sorry for your loss and thinking of you. Heck, you can get a decent condolence card and just sign your name. When we lost my nephew and my Dad, I received condolence cards from people who knew me but had never met them and from people who knew one of them but had never met me. It didn’t matter. It is so comforting to be seen and remembered in your grief. In fact, the only thing I *didn’t* like was when someone I wasn’t close to was telling me about their grief instead of just acknowledging mine. I didn’t have emotional capacity to take in anyone else’s grief and I didn’t want to have to deal with it. I love the concept of circles of grief, you only send support inward and grief outward.
I too hate that obituaries don’t regularly include a reason why the person died. I’m not asking for explicit medical details – but at least an “unexpectedly” or a “after a valiant fight” or “finally at peace after a long illness”. I feel like not knowing makes it harder to process, harder to support the family and can leave people confused about their relationship with the deceased.
I also think people would be more likely to believe Covid is real if it was included in obituaries.
Also copy of high school photo might be nice to include in the card
I was going to say this exact thing, if you have a picture that includes young Dave his family would probably appreciate that.
I think a card would be very welcome at this time. There is always a flurry of sympathy right away, and then it tends to fade away. I would absolutely send a card saying that you have lovely memories of Dave, and extending your sympathy.
Send a card, for all the reasons others have said. From my experience, it’s more meaningful when card-senders explain how they know the deceased person and share a memory or their impressions of him. It is also most helpful to include a last name and at least one method of contact, in case there are any memorial events or gatherings in future – especially now, when such things may be delayed. Then they have the option of contacting you, and you have the option of knowing about it.
After losing my mom a couple months ago, I am really craving stories about her especially those from before I was born. A card with an anecdote about your friend would be welcome to his family. You could even offer your email address with an offer to share more memories, if you’re up to that comfortable. His family would probably love the (non-romantic) stories about him from his youth. In my grief I just want more and more of Mom and the little tidbits I’ve gotten from some of her childhood friends have been cherished.
Oops. Strike the word comfortable.
Just a thought, not sure even what I think of it but, I wonder if you might prefer to send the card to Dave’s parents or sibling(s), espcially if you knew them but don’t know his widow/children. I agree with the earlier commenter that a donation in his memory to the designated charity would be a nice gesture.
Omg! I just caught up on your entries yesterday. Today my kid was at a trampoline park and I was emptying my emails and I came across an email from a guy that I kind of dated back in 2004. Had thought about him in years of course. Googled him and he had passed away in 2009. We didn’t really have any kind of relationship that was serious but I think it’s weird that I just read this post of yours yesterday and it kind of happened to me!
Late to this but I wanted to add I’m sorry to hear it too.That is sad and disconcerting. A similar thing happened to me: the idle thought, ooh I haven’t heard from x in a long time and then the Facebook page which revealed he’d died *two* years earlier. (!) I also don’t know exactly what happened, except that it was sudden, (which is something) and I don’t suppose I’ll ever know as we don’t have friends in common any more. I’d have liked to send a card, because I appreciated them myself when my father died, but it’s so long ago and only his father remains (who was not my biggest fan). So yes, I think a card is a good idea, just in case you were still on the fence.