I had a bit of a spiral at work today, and on the plus side I was fairly aware that it was a spiral, and on the other hand I also felt like NO IT IS REAL, I AM RIGHT TO BE UPSET AND CRINGING, and either way I wanted to make it feel less bad, and this is how it went:
The first thing that happened was that I was working with someone I don’t usually work with (she works evenings/weekends and as a sub); she used to be a page, but now she works the desk; and when she comes into work, she’s been doing some of my tasks. Which, I can see how that could be perceived as helpful (and even necessary, on days when she’s there and I’m not), but (1) I like to do my job my way, and (2) I often don’t have enough work to fill my shift, and (3) I LIKE TO DO MY JOB MY WAY. So when I AM there, I want her NOT to do my work.
And also: desk people get, like, 2/3rds again the pay of a page, so the LIBRARY does not want to pay a desk person to do paging work at times when there is a page on duty. And also: paging work is seen as bottom-of-the-ladder grunt work, and that’s why we HAVE a page: so that the desk people don’t have to do that work. There is only a page about 20 hours a week, and when there is no page, the desk people fight about who has to do the page work. So I thought I could address it successfully from that angle, and so this morning I said in what I hoped was a friendly and appreciate way, “Oh, hey—you don’t have to do that! When there’s a page, use the page!” But she clutched the work in question, and started saying nervous things to me and to ANOTHER co-worker, about how she’d already started it, and she was almost done, and something else I couldn’t follow. It was extremely awkward and left me feeling like I had handled it badly: it can be difficult with a mask on to make oneself understood, and I wondered if I’d come across completely differently than I’d intended. And also: I felt as if I’d used my ONLY idea and it had been a failure, which led to me feeling as if I can’t handle even the smallest interpersonal conflict, which led to me feeling that I am a prickly and difficult person who can’t get along with others, and that it is impossible to be understood in this life/world.
So that’s how I started off the day, first thing. Then, later on, my supervisor asked me to please manage the newspapers, which is a once-a-month thing. It is considered a fairly undesirable task, but I am not sure why, and I find it satisfying and don’t mind doing it at all. Except: the area where the older newspapers are stored (and where the newspaper-managing job needs to be done each month) is where one of my co-workers works, and she appears to be refusing to wear a mask, and her reaction (a silent tight tiny pained smile) to a mention of vaccinations brought me pretty quickly to the conclusion that she is likely not vaccinated (but I don’t KNOW that to be the case), and I was out for a large part of the pandemic so I don’t know what the story is on the mask (all staff are required to wear masks, so I don’t know if she has an exemption or if no one is addressing it or what), and haven’t felt as if I could ask—but in any case, I don’t want to work in that small room with her.
Last month it coincidentally worked out well: I had to take another day off for an appointment, so I said I could swap those hours and come in on a Saturday instead (the unmasked co-worker doesn’t work Saturdays), and I did the newspapers that day. But today my supervisor asked me to do the newspapers, and I did not know what to do to express myself clearly and succinctly on this complicated issue and while wearing a mask, and so I stammered out something like, “Okay! It’s just…I was…is Andrea vaccinated?” My supervisor blinked, then said she’d check something with the director, then I heard them talking, and then I heard the director say “I’d really like to err on the safe side with that,” which I first took to mean that she wouldn’t make an employee work with someone unmasked, but later realized it was more likely from tone and context that she meant she would rather not divulge one employee’s vaccination status to another employee; and then my supervisor came out and said don’t worry about it, they’d figure something else out with the newspapers.
And I was just CRINGING, because the newspapers are considered an undesirable task so I worried it looked as if I was trying to find an excuse not to do them, BUT ALSO because I did not successfully address my concern and now there was no way to do it over! Especially since my supervisor might not even KNOW that Andrea is not wearing a mask at work! So I was thinking that what I SHOULD have said was something more like, “Okay! It’s just…Andrea does not wear a mask. So if she is not vaccinated, I would rather not work in the same room.” And that this would have clearly laid out the source of my concern, WITHOUT asking any question I then had to be denied the answer to: I just would have been giving my supervisor the information she needed, and SHE could have decided what to do from there. Instead, I felt like both my supervisor AND the director would think I was being inappropriate and nosy and judgey. And that both of them would see me as being Difficult. And that maybe I WAS being difficult, and should have just taken care of the stupid newspapers, which would have taken under an hour. And that I couldn’t believed I’d ASKED IT AS A QUESTION CRINGE CRINGE CRINGE EVERYTHING IS SO IMPOSSIBLE
These two exchanges together had me all but falling apart, and then feeling ridiculous for nearly falling apart over such small things, and then wondering if maybe I should just quit since obviously I can’t cope with anything in the workplace, not even small normal everyday things. Fortunately I CAN recognize this as (probably) over-reacting—but that doesn’t stop the over-reacting from continuing to happen. I wondered if there was anything I could do to fix any part of it, or if there were any Coping Thoughts that would help stop the over-reaction.
There was no way to go back and try again with my supervisor, but I did manage to think that one through. First, that she was likely focused ONLY on HER part of the conversation (“Uh oh, what am I allowed to say here?”) and not really at all on MINE: a supervisor/boss is going to be thinking of the ramifications of the ANSWER to a question like that, and not so much about the existence of the question itself. Second, my alternate idea isn’t, upon further reflection, much better: in that format, I’d have worried afterward that I appeared to be tattling on Andrea, and also that I was coming across as Taking a Dramatic Stand and still just as judgey. The real issue here was that there was no good way for me to say what my concern was; and in my supervisor’s shoes, I would be thinking “GAH, I forgot all about Andrea!! I can’t believe I asked someone to work in there!! And I guess we’re going to have to deal with that Andrea problem, or else I’m going to need to figure out some other way of dealing with the newspapers because we can’t ask someone else to work in there.” I don’t think my supervisor is anxious like I am, but I still think she is likely thinking more along the lines of “Oh, shoot, the Andrea Thing” and not “Wow, Swistle was really inappropriate”; I think she is likely thinking about what SHE needs to do here and what HER next steps should be, and almost certainly NOT AT ALL about how her employee could/should have better approached the issue.
So that was one part mostly dealt with. I couldn’t FIX it, but I could stop thinking “Oh if ONLY I had said X instead!!,” and I could feel as if my supervisor and the director were very unlikely to be giving ME any thought at all, and I could convince myself that if anything, they were thinking of ANDREA and the issue SHE was causing—not SWISTLE and the cringiness of her QUESTION.
But what about the former page? It was especially hard to address because I wasn’t sure what she had said, AND I didn’t know what she thought I’D said. So many levels of uncertainty to imagine and dramatize and fret about, possibly for NO REASON WHATSOEVER! Here’s what I concluded: When there is an awkward/uncertain interaction with a person you’ve hardly ever interacted with, a really good way to at least MITIGATE the situation is to GIVE THEM MORE DATA TO WORK WITH. When you know someone pretty well and they handle something awkwardly/badly, there is an easy benefit of the doubt: you think, “They probably didn’t mean it that way” or “That wasn’t like them; I wonder if something else is going on.” The interaction gets watered down by all the OTHER interactions—even if you have a temperament that might normally be inclined to go straight for “OH GOD ARE THEY MAD AT ME?? DID I DO/SAY SOMETHING WRONG WITHOUT REALIZING??” And if you have a slightly weird interaction with someone and you don’t know how to interpret it, it can make it a lot better if you run into them later and they’re acting completely normal and friendly.
So what I did was, I on purpose stopped by the desk to chat with the OTHER person working at the desk, and then gradually included the former page in the conversation as well, so that all three of us were chatting in a friendly way. And that went very well. So now if she feels like I was weird or unfriendly this morning, she has more data to water that down with. And if she keeps doing my tasks when she arrives at work—well, it won’t be often, and I will just not make an issue out of it, because she is probably just doing the tasks the way she does them on days I’m not there, and no one else will thank me for breaking her of that habit.
I don’t have any suggestions but oh boy, do I have sympathy with you on the unmasked, likely unvaccinated co-worker. Also I sympathize with your supervisor because they probably are really, really not relishing dealing with someone who won’t wear a mask and is likely unvaccinated. I think you are really the easier part of the equation for the supervisor — your request is not unreasonable and they can just keep you out of the co-worker’s way. What they do about HER is a whole can of worms and I do not envy them dealing with that situation!!!
Good job talking yourself down from that. I am ABSOLUTELY sure that your supervisor and the director are only focusing on how Andrea is a PROBLEM, and how to deal with Andrea’s being a problem and not about you at all except in as far as they know you ARE vaccinated and masked and not being a problem.
And I also think you handled the co-worker situation well. Because there really is no better way to handle the do-si-do of whose task is it when both folks can claim the task.
Like Liz said, I am sure your supervisor are thinking more about how to deal with Andrea than your question. When I have something I am dwelling on, a coping technique I use is to tell myself, No one but me is thinking about this right now. No one but me is worrying about it.
Seriously, if they are thinking about it at all, they are thinking that someone is going to have to confront Andrea about openly flouting the rules. Mask it, Andrea.
I agree – from experience, dear friend – with the above comment ” I think you are really the easier part of the equation for the supervisor”
I think your initial take on “on the safe side” was probably correct AND that yes, they were thinking about the answer and not the actual question.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to express hesitation to work with an unmasked person at this point. I was surprised that it was a thing at this point so my guess is the supervisors were Heavily Sighing over this being a thing WITH THE COWORKER, not you. I hope it doesn’t have to come up again.
Still ENTHRALLED with library stories. Tell us more. :)
Oh! Another coping technique. When there’s something I don’t know, and can’t know, and WILL NOT EVER know – such as what the director was talking about when she referenced “on the safe side” – I tell myself that I am going to assume the best, not the worst. Since I’ll never know, I tell myself it was probably the good option, not the bad one, and try to move on. (Sometimes I have to repeat this to myself, but that’s what a coping technique is, right?)
Ugh. Unvaccinated co workers. Maybe it’s good that your comment came out the way it did. I’m sure there are A LOT of us who would strongly prefer not to work with the unvaccinated. The more who speak up (even unintentionally!!) will hopefully put more pressure on them to get vaccinated or at least wear a mask. Consequences to actions and all that. At this point, I’m all for public shame!
As of yesterday I’m back at the office FT in person, which was planned months ago and expected and fine for a number of reasons including that I work in an office space with only 2 other people both of whom I know are vaccinated as am I. However, just before I was due to come back the boss in another division of the place I work asked my boss if it was ok for one of his new workers to sit in our office space (we have room since one of my coworkers retired, which is why I’m back). My boss, in turn, asked me and the other person in my office and I blurted “is she vaccinated?!” before I could even think about it. I felt a little uncomfortable but I was so freaked out about the idea of sharing air 24/7 in a small office with someone I don’t know who was possibly unvaccinated. My boss was totally fine with my asking and pushed it back to the other boss who confirmed that the person is vaccinated. On the one hand, I’m glad she’s vaccinated. On the other hand, I’m tired of the onus being on me to raise the issue – the person who is asking the favor should think of this and handle it! BAH!
Oh, your concluding paragraph is so satisfying! Good on you for coming up with that solution while you were still upset, and following through with it! And you’re right, other people are not thinking about us that much (I have to remind myself of this allll the time).
Also, fwiw, here is what I know about vaccination policies and libraries and requirements and disclosure. My mom is an administrator for a large public library system, run by the county. They are only allowed to ask employees about their vaccination status if the vaccine in question is required. So if it’s not required, they can’t ask, and they certainly can’t tell employees about each other’s status even if the employer happens to know. I don’t know if that is true where you are (in your state/county/library), but it is another consideration on top of all the existing ones about medical privacy in the workplace.
Yeah….as a library supervisor type person, I’m kinda irritated by your supervisor.
If I’D been your supervisor, my response would have been, “I can’t give you information about a co-worker, but is your concern working in the small space with her? Let’s find a solution to that so the newspaper task can be completed.” Then I would have gone and asked Andrea to put on her mask or asked her to move somewhere else or etc. etc. (i know i don’t know all the things there are to know about your specific situation) I’m just saying YOU didn’t mess up there. I can’t ask anyone about vaccination status but I can (And do) work to make sure staff have what they need to feel safe in the workplace.
I just FEEL this, so much, and want to be soothing and reassuring, but you have already come up with better soothes and coping thoughts than I would have. So I will just say GAH dealing with other humans can be SO HARD. And also I have no doubt that you are doing great, both at the job and at the being-human.
I am so impressed with how you handled everything. Does everyone at the library know that you have an immunocompromised child and that is why you took extra time away from your job? If not I would be working that into all of my casual conversations. *Why yes Andrea, you SHOULD look uncomfortable and guilty when vaccines and masks are mentioned!
Another coping thought is to remember that your supervisors are paid to handle this exact type of staffing situation. You are low man on the totem pole and one of the benefits of that is not having to deal with complicated staffing matters. That’s why they make the big bucks! Also it is ALWAYS okay to speak up when it comes to safety in the workplace. This is not a matter of “oh that Swistle is such a nervous nelly about covid and she is inconveniencing us because we have to make her FEEL safe”. NO! With the way the Delta variant is running rampant, working in a small enclosed room with an unvaccinated, unmasked person IS an unsafe work environment. Full stop.
I also try to remind myself that we are all suffering from social awkwardness as we re-enter public life. Everyone I know complains that they have lost their social skills so I would bet that Former Page is writing her own blog post beating herself up about her weird response to a kind Page telling her she didn’t need to do a menial task at work.
I feel like the former page might be a bit like me. Even after moving up the ladder, there are still some tasks that I liked and miss. They are a comfort on days when impostor syndrome is making me feel anxious. But how do you explain to someone else that you aren’t just “helping” or implying their way isn’t good enough, but just trying to stop feeling like you’re adding no value? I wouldn’t be surprised if she also spent a good amount of time fretting about the exchange. Drawing her into the conversation probably made her feel just as much easier about it as you.
I feel this SO EMPHATICALLY my heart rate sped up while reading. Is there any way you can email your supervisor, explain that you don’t need to know Andrea’s vaccination status but you do have an immunocompromised child and you can’t really work in close quarters with an unmasked person? I find I’m much better over email with that kind of thing, but otherwise, you and everyone else are right – it’s not your problem to fix and you did nothing wrong.
Brilliant solution on the former page. I’m applying for more jobs (school librarian) as my last kid leaves for college, and this kind of thing comes up for me (terminally awkward) all the freaking time.
Are you familiar with the Ask A Manager advice column? askamanager.org I think you would really appreciate hee advice and it might help you develop useful scripts d’or work. Reading it has helped me adjust my expectations for work in really helpful ways. :)