Recently, Paul said something right before bed that made me instantly and unexpectedly insecure in our marriage. But that is not what I want to talk about or collect “I’m sorry your husband made you feel that way”s about: the next morning he was surprised to find me so affected, and said he hadn’t meant it like that. (Though all that did was make me think about what a poor communicator he is, in that case, and how little he understands word implications and relationship dynamics.)
I lay awake for hours, and then fell asleep for awhile and then woke up and lay awake for a couple more hours. What I was thinking about, primarily, was how financially dependent I am, and what my options would be if Paul were to end things. (Or of course if I wanted to do so, though at the time I was imagining an abrupt ending that wouldn’t give me time to prepare.) This is not the first time I’ve realized this, and in fact I set this up on purpose and I can’t see changing it even if I could go back in time and do so, which of course I can’t. What was MOST important to me was having lots of kids, and I don’t see any way I could have combined that with a career. If right now I had a career plus only two children, because that’s the number that could have worked with a career, I guess I would not have been lying awake worrying about my financial dependence—but that would have been pretty low compensation for the loss of the rest of the children I’d wanted: I would have lived a significantly less happy/satisfying life on the gamble that my marriage would end. So hearing “Yeah, that’s why I made sure I kept my career” is not helpful in any way. I want to make sure you heard me on that: saying “Yeah, that’s why I made sure I kept my career” is not helpful or applicable in any way. I can absolutely see why that would have been a good idea, and I would encourage my children to do the same, but it was not compatible with what I most wanted, and would not have made sense for me. It means I am currently in a precarious financial situation, and I accepted that at the time, and I accept it now. (Though it makes me FURIOUS that society is set up this way.)
Our state put out a study awhile back that reported how much a person would have to earn in order to afford to live here (not even to buy a house here, but to rent a 1BR/1B apartment), and it was triple the hourly wage I make at the library, plus benefits (which aren’t available for my job). If Paul and I split up, I would not be able to afford to live in this state; but I also couldn’t move to a cheaper state, because of the kids. I could get a different job than my library job, and I’d HAVE to—but I can’t think of any job that would pay me triple wages plus give me benefits. I wouldn’t be able to afford housing that would let me have my kids live with me. Meanwhile Paul would be GREAT: he could afford to live in and maintain a house, and he would still have health benefits, and he would not need to change jobs or worry about the financial aspect of things at all. (If the kids were younger, presumably I could count on some of his salary; but two of my kids are legal adults, and the others are 14 and 16 years old, so there would not be many more years of that, if any.)
Here is what I DO want to talk about: What can be done about this, if anything, at THIS point? I am well into my forties. There is theoretically TIME to get another degree and start a new career—but I have heard that women in that situation are not particularly hireable. Also: there is still nothing I particularly feel drawn to doing, so I’d be picking almost at random and then hoping it wouldn’t lead to a job I found intolerable. But it seems like if there is a small degree (1-2 years) that I could be working on now, which could then lead to a job with a good salary and benefits, that that would be a good idea on numerous levels. If NOTHING ELSE, if everything is FINE and there is NO NEED, I can still use it to help pay the kids’ college tuitions, and to fill my time once the kids are grown.
On the other hand, I HATE this idea. I like my library job; I don’t want to quit that and train for a better-paying job JUST IN CASE something happens to my marriage. I don’t WANT to change the course of my life and make it less happy so that it earns more money Just In Case. I don’t really WANT to go back for more schooling; and I don’t really want to PAY for more schooling. I am no more career-motivated/driven than I was in my early 20s, and if I don’t HAVE TO I don’t WANT TO. But. It does seem wise to be a little more prepared for other possible futures.
In addition to your wages, you would get half the house plus half the retirement savings. So you and Paul could sell the house, and you could use that money for rent or to buy a place to live. A SAHM mom I know had to use her half of the retirement savings as well to support herself, which sucks, but what can you do. You might also get alimony for a while depending on your situation, plus child support.
In summary, it sucks, but you’d probably be ok.
I’ve honestly had these thoughts too, as a full-time teacher with two kids. When I picture what would happen if my husband ever left our marriage, I always picture myself in a small apartment. It is weird that our society is set up that way – even as some progress has been made for women. I don’t think it’s a bad thing to depend on your husband in this way, just as he has depended on you for the home and the bulk of daily parenting tasks. That’s what this partnership gives us, and I think it’s OK to take that gamble – especially after so many years. But it is definitely something that crosses my mind to – and I remind my husband of that, that he’s stuck with me because I supported him achieving a higher paying career!
Wouldn’t you still be eligible for alimony? I realize child support ends when children turn 18, but alimony/spousal support is different and I think takes into account a lot of things, including how long you were married?
ROTFL -. very well-off women can afford the lawyers who will get them alimony; you often read about these settlements in the paper. All my divorced friends receive nothing except some child support. Either the woman will trade away any claims to alimony to fend off attempts by her ex to get custody of the kids, or the woman can’t afford the lawyer fees to fight for alimony rights, or the ex will hire an expert to testify as to the woman’s earning potential (always exaggerated, never taking into account the need for the woman to be available for dependent children) as a way to defray alimony obligations. One friend traded away what would have been her share of her husband’s retirement in order to keep him from making her sell her home and further traumatize the children.
Welcome to middle age, when you see half your SAHM friends get royally screwed by our legal system
I don’t think you’re in as precarious a position as you think. I’m a lawyer tho not a family lawyer, but I did just walk my sister through a divorce.
1. Alimony is there for precisely situations like yours. Unless and until you remarried someone later, Paul would have to pay you a significant sum to keep you comfortable. The law recognizes that your staying home benefited Paul all those years, and legally all of the money he has earned through this partnership is half yours. All marital property is half yours, even though you “didn’t earn” it in the eyes of a W-2. Divorce would reduce both of your living circumstances somewhat, of course, as Paul’s income would have to cover two households, but you would receive significant alimony I think THIS IS NOT LEGAL ADVICE, JUST “FEEL BETTER” ADVICE.
2. If Paul died, hopefully you have tons of life insurance on him that would help with that. And you should have tons of life insurance on you as well – even though your children are older, there are still significant services you supply that Paul would have to outsource if you left this mortal plain.
3. Benefits are trickier I think but can be managed. If you legally divorced he wouldn’t be able to keep you on the plan, but there are more options now than just “get it from your job.” And he would almost certainly be responsible for keeping the kids on his plan, unless you could get a better deal somehow.
4. It is hard out here for a pimp, that’s for sure, but you are a person with intelligence and wit. If you absolutely HAD TO HAD TO find paying work, like, Great Depression losses kind of situation, you’d make it work. Because people do, and you have many assets that would help you.
In my sister’s divorce, she was the working parent and her spouse stayed home. He was not a helpful hardworking spouse, he mostly smoked weed (so that their entire house was coated in sticky weed residue and their tiny daughter had a cough she couldn’t kick), and slept and played video games, and racked up credit card debt in the five figures on fast food and clothes and electronic equipment he never used, and was generally more like a 17 yo than a spouse. In the eyes of the law, however, her earnings were his earnings, so she still had to pay him half of everything even when he moved out and INTO A HOUSE WITH HIS MOTHER who pays all his bills. (Cough) In my experience there is no morals in the math – you get half, regardless.
I was finding this very affirming until the end part. Very sorry that happened to your sister. I hope she has found her life considerably improved with the removal of this dead weight.
Swistle, I don’t have many answers for you, but I work in a professional industry and we have often hired people with no experience or no relevant experience. We would expect you to know how to use Excel and Word and Outlook, though, so maybe some classes in that would be in order. I would bet there are some online and/or through the community college.
Ahh, sorry to be a downer, I included that only to note that generally, there’s no arguing here. You get paid! You don’t even have to prove you deserve it! It’s just automatic! My BIL is still a fairly useless forty-something weed-smoking lump, but my sister’s moved on to a hottie boyfriend with TWO jobs (management, plus military reserves), and she and ex-BIL have a decent parenting relationship. It was a stressful time getting them split, but we got her through it and it’s pretty great on the other side.
I think the alimony/house/retirement money might be more helpful than your worst-case scenario— but I second the idea that if you want to do something to prepare “just in case,” you can’t go wrong with being very up to date on useful software/internet skills. That would help you in a new industry or job should the need arise. Which I hope it does not!!
This division depends from state to state. In some states it’s half, in some states it’s “equitable” and that depends on how you decide as a couple what’s fair (or, if you can’t come to an agreement, how the judge decides.) Most states do have alimony, but not all.
School systems are a good place to look for jobs that have benefits. Receptionists, para educators, that sort of thing. Hospitals also often have non-medical jobs to offer.
Agreed! School library jobs might be something to think about; they often hire paraprofessionals to run the library. Moving up in your library to a position with benefits as it becomes available might be another option. You could find out if the library will reimburse you for classes toward an MLIS if that is of interest.
Universities will also have library jobs that come with benefits but might not require a masters of library science. And maybe hospitals too? My very quick google search indicates that many of them maintain a book collection as a resource for doctors, etc.
My first thought is that I believe the para educator she in my local school system are benefit eligible.
I’ve been a para educator in Utah for the past 13 years. They hold our hours at 29 per week so they don’t have to give us benefits. One year I did get enough hours to earn benefits (they opened a behavior program and we were running at full capacity, including providing transportation to and from school from all over the district). But the district really tightened up on the no-benefits thing the next year and cut our hours.
That is awful. In Illinois the paras do get benefits but it’s like with teachers, if you only need benefits for yourself it’s affordable. If you need benefits for your family, the price rises exponentially.
What about working towards a possible library career? Granted, the salary is not usually stellar, but most public libraries have decent benefits and you already know you like the job in general. In my public library system, you can work as Circulation staff with a HS degree or as a Library Associate with a BA (in any subject). To be a full librarian, you need a Masters of Library Science, but since this is an anxiety-calming exercise at this point, know that you don’t need it for a better-paying library job. There are many well-regarded online MLS programs should you want to go that route, and it’s about a 2 year program if you go full-time. As an aside, I find that many library systems are far more supportive and understanding of women entering the workforce after raising children than seems to be the case in many sectors. (source, I’m a librarian, public library 2006-2014, school library 2014-present)
Is alimony off the table for some reason? Wouldn’t Paul have to support you in some way after you giving up career aspirations to raise the kids? I mean, it sounds like you have no plans to end things, so if they ended it would be at his instigation, no?
I’m afraid I have no suggestions to offer regarding getting a higher paying job as I live in a different country that has universal healthcare, and I work for the public sector. If you lived here my best advice would be to get a government job as it would not be too late to work long enough to get a modest pension, and the wages are pretty good, but are government jobs like that where you live? Are they even available? Here in Canada one of the few benefits of the pandemic is that departments are more willing to hire people working in permanently remote positions, maybe the US is the same?
Gillian mostly covered this, but depending on the state, your risk is probably not as great as you think (and Paul’s is probably greater than you think).
Setting that aside, though, would you like something more intensive with the library, or would losing the flexibility and emotional distance make you start to hate working for the library? You probably would have mentioned it if you were interested in a library science degree.
My only other suggestion is freelancing, because you are such a fantastic writer. The money would come in spurts, so this plan is not a great alternative to remaining in your current life, but could eventually build toward a nice little pocket of savings and some more consistent gigs.
I think it’s worth remembering that general demographic truths like women over a certain age are less hireable are less true on an individual basis. Sure, you probably won’t become Sheryl Sandberg if you had to re-enter the workplace suddenly. And it would probably be rocky and suck for a few years–but you are intelligent, hard-working, and pragmatic, and you would absolutely find something that works. If I look back on the women of my mother’s generation–and a lot of demographic truths are based on older data–I can think of several who returned to the working world and built careers later in life. (Social work, social work, university librarian, university librarian, and editor, all of which are maybe not super viable careers anymore but which worked for them at the time.) Two began these careers (i.e., went back for the degree) when their youngest kids were in high school or out of the house–so mid-to-late forties. None of them were/are wealthy, but they were hired. They own/owned property. They made a path, and it was a good path, and supported them.
The one person I can think of who divorced late in life (fifties) and didn’t ever make a go of it *could* have. She was actually hired for a good career-building job at age 53 but resigned it because it was too much work (it was part time. She didn’t like having to leave the house before 10 am). Even she is not living in penury now, although that is only because she got the house and a small but permanent alimony in the divorce.
I have had these thoughts too and so far all I’ve come up with as a solution is to think “well, I guess it’s good that I don’t want to end our marriage now.” Because hell if I know.
This happened to me four years ago. I was teaching part-time then and had small children. I increased my hours to full time and was really poor for a couple years. Last year I started a new career with a company that is willing to hire potential not experience, and trained me and has lots of room for lateral and upward movement.
It was surprisingly all fine.
When I was a teen, one of my parent’s best couple friends went through a bitter divorce (these were people we vacationed with, had weekly meals with, etc), when she discovered he had been cheating on her for years. She had been a housewife then SAHM for nearly 20 years at that point and her only work history was 2 years of secretarial work before getting married. She was in her 40s and thrown into a very different life. Hearing about her experience was a formative experience for me and influenced some of my own decisions.
What she did (this was in the 1990s) was started back as a secretary, part-time at first, and built her skills up through the library and other free programs she could find. She threw herself into networking to find a good company to work for and after about 5 years she found a great place where she stayed for a long time as an office manager. She did get some alimony but he had also put them in debt without her knowing so the split assets weren’t as good as they should have been. She did okay for herself but her lifestyle was completely altered and worked into her 70s because she couldn’t afford to retire, even with a portion of his pension.
I think as long as you have decent assets (including all retirement savings) you don’t have to worry as much. And, if you don’t have one, set up your own retirement account (spousal IRA). If you feel like doing something without having to go to classes, join some networking groups in your area. Getting jobs is so much about who you know, not what you know.
I have four children who are all about the same ages as yours. When our youngest entered kindergarten, my husband encouraged me to go back to school and get my degree, even though I really didn’t intend to go back to work. I was happy being a SAHM and he was happy too. His reasoning, was he was worried that if anything happened to him, he wanted me to be able to be secure financially, beyond just insurance. Unfortunately, shortly after I graduated, he became disabled and I did need to work to support us. So maybe don’t think about it in terms of what would happen if you divorced, maybe just consider going back to school as a kind of insurance policy for whatever might happen. You never know you might find something you really enjoy in the process.
I think this is an excellent way of looking at it. While anxiety-inducing, it is good to think through your options and prepare yourself a bit; life is long and weird and you just never know what may pop up.
If you don’t want to go back to school, think about doing volunteer work that would do good in the world, give you something to do once the kids are all out of the house, AND strengthen your resume. Or, as the kids get older, take on more hours and tasks in the library that could lead to full time work if you needed it. Think about the skills you’ve learned through raising your kids and how you could monetize that if you needed to earn more–if you’re a good cook, could you turn that into a catering business? Would you want to own a housecleaning service? You worked as a home health care aide; would you want to start a business like that? You have more options than you realize, and even if you never have to pursue any of them it might make you feel better just to have a plan in your pocket.
Seconding what the folks above are saying about spousal support/splitting assets. I am guessing from your initial post that you do not live in a community property state, but even so, it sounds like spousal support and a share of assets is likely.
Regarding career options: I am going to put out working in an accounting/tax firm as a re-entry career path that can be surprisingly fulfilling and offers advancement without studying for an advanced degree (or studying bit by bit on the side so that your education credentials grow along with your career growth). Tax accounting is way more about narratives than it is about numbers. The ability to patiently categorize by number is a valuable skill (cf library work); the ability to be patient and kind to elderly clients is a valuable skill (cf caregiving history); writing skills are a great plus (I say they are not required only because many accountants I know write gobbledygook and don’t even know they are doing it!!). What Natalie said about Excel/Word/Outlook is on point. I just hired my first staff person very part time (I am a job creator!!) – she is my age (late 50s) and her 5th and youngest child just graduated from HS. Right now it is not anywhere near a living wage job, but she can grow with the firm if she is so inclined, or after a year or two with me move to firm that does offer that (although I am hoping very much that she doesn’t!).
Yes! I was a stay at home mom for ten years, with an English degree, when I decided I wanted to learn how to do my taxes. I took a class, got hired by a big box firm, worked my way up, and eight years ago left and started my own company. Along the way I’ve taken accounting classes to get a better understanding of things, and Katy is right, being able to write well is huge. You can take the Enrolled Agent test after a few years and then lots of people would hire you and pay well. We are looking to hire an EA now and can’t find anybody available, there’s lots of demand. If you didn’t want to do that but wanted more office work, we hire a lot of our employees from a program at the local community college. They take in displaced homemakers, laid off older workers, etc and give them new current skills. They’re great employees.
I agree with Gillian and the others about Spousal maintenance – I have researched it myself on occasion to allay my fears as I am also in a financially dependent situation at age 55. At the very least, you would get half the value of any retirement accounts and also half the value of the equity in your home as well. Years ago I was a single (working) mom before meeting my current husband and right before I met him, I had gone back to college and got a degree in Teaching- graduating at 32, getting married to him and getting a teaching job all within a few months. Teaching and simultaneously trying to finish my Master’s degree and parenting (one kid) became a huge burden so I left my job after 3 years (my mental health was also an issue) to pursue that degree full time, which was also derailed by life, and parenthood. I took a part time clerical job and then we had a baby together (I was 37, he was 52). I decided I wanted to be a SAHM since I wasn’t ever able to do that with my first child and the plan was to go back to something full time- maybe even teaching at some point. Needless to say my state issued certification lapsed and then expired and in my state it cannot be renewed (EVER) if you taught for 3 years or more. That was very unlucky for me. I stayed home with my daughter for 12 years, all the while feeling very fortunate I was always available for sick days, school breaks, doctor appointments, after school activities and such for her. Having zero marketable skills, I wasn’t able to find any jobs in our local area (mostly rural, not near any major employers or larger cities within commuting distance) I suck at computer stuff (tried some classes for excel, word, quickbooks etc but could not get the hang of any of it and felt miserable and lost) I decided to go back to work part time as a teacher aide at the same school district I used to work. (going down that proverbial ladder many rungs) for an hourly wage that isn’t even close to $15. I have been there since 2015 and enjoy the job very much, I am valued and appreciated and I enjoy working with the children in classrooms (and lunch and recess) without having the ultimate responsibility of teaching. It is a hard job but it is rewarding. There are very few full-time positions at this school district and it is hard to get interviewed for positions in other buildings….so I keep hanging on hoping to eventually snag one (which would give me health insurance) My husband is now 70, and still working (from home) for a major IT company that he has been with for many years and he has Social Security and a pension from another job. He has a 401k account while I have not contributed in any significant way outside my part time job and have no retirement savings at all. At this point in our marriage I am not as worried about divorce but focused on what my life would be like financially if I am widowed. We made some mistakes over the years with re-financing and debt, and our home should have been paid off by now but it isn’t- but now that out daughter is off to college this Fall, my goal is to actually pursue a full-time job which will allow my husband to retire in the next year. I think many women are in this predicament, and unfortunately I was lulled into thinking all was ok because his job was well-paying and we could afford for me to stay home or only work part time. I feel like it has all caught up to me now.
What a waste that your state won’t allow certification renewals! There have to be many, many teachers who leave the workforce for a few years, and they are missing out on that experienced talent base.
If I had only taught for 2 years I could have. Such arbitrary rules! I also could have filed an extension at some point but didn’t know how any of this worked at the time. I try not to dwell on the fact that my salary(had I stayed on) would be about $95,000 now. All my own mistakes.
Echoing everything people said about alimony above, and wondering…could you have this conversation with Paul? Maybe Paul and a post-nup lawyer for your peace of mind? I watched my parents negotiate divorce when my dad was the main earner (surprise, they’re still married!), and there was never any question that the money would still be split evenly. As it’s turned out in my marriage, I work and my husband does not, so I’ve made an effort to let him know that if he wanted a post-nup, that would feel very reasonable to me. Obviously not all spouses would react well to this conversation, but sometimes a little lack of sensitivity can work to your advantage.
I would also think it might be sensible to spend some time thinking about how your retirement money is organized. Having some of it specifically in your name might make sense.
And what about the house? You might not be able to afford rent on a one bedroom apartment, but in desperate straights could you rent out rooms to friendly single mothers and cover the mortgage that way? Or rent the whole house and use the money to rent your own smaller place? Or is it possible that it would sell for enough that you could buy a small place outright with your half, and not have to worry about a mortgage? Having a little wealth makes a HUGE difference in terms of being able to live on a small income.
People have covered most of the bases, I think, but I have a couple of things to add:
(1) Public library funding varies by region, so don’t pay for a master’s degree until you confirm that full-time public librarianship is a viable option in your area. I regret to report that jobs are scarce in many parts of the country.
(2) You and Paul can work with a lawyer to create a post-nuptial agreement, for what it’s worth. Maybe that would create too much emotional upheaval, but there are probably ways to make it work. “This is a really unequal financial situation for us; let’s make sure that we are on the same footing.”
(3) My spouse makes vastly more than I do, but I manage all our finances. It gives me some sense of knowledge and control to balance my occasional midnight fretting sessions about mid-life crises worst-case scenarios.
(4) A 2015 study claimed that almost 70% of divorces are initiated by the wife; apparently among college-educated couples, that number is closer to 90%.
I would like to reiterate the point about not paying for a masters degree until you have investigated its utility in your region.
I want to amplify this point as a college and graduate student advisor. Do Not go to a masters level program without either some significant tuition support or a firm sense that the job you are studying for exists in an attainable way. Also Masters programs are almost all too fast and too expensive to undertake unless you have something specific in mind
I might look at job descriptions for local and state government, and see if there are any software skills that come up a lot — and then take an adult Ed course in that. For example, I took a database management class 15 years ago, and It has paid passive dividends in several unrelated jobs ever since. I might also become generally familiar with the application process for government jobs in your area because it can be byzantine And rough to navigate in high stakes situations.
I say this not because I think it would be a fun career path, but because your posts on navigating health care systems already show a strong understanding of bureaucracy, and because your current position at the library would be strong experience for many administrative positions in government. You could round out a resume with some volunteer work, or a position as a poll watcher — and then if you did need to seek work, I’d check out “ask a manager” for her scripts on how to talk about resume gaps. But also, this is a low effort option for a corner-case situation, if you got another degree you would need to start relevant work soon after the degree was complete to keep skills current. Also the government often has good benefits, even if the pay is mediocre.
Oh! This made me think of an article I read yesterday in The Atlantic about how difficult it is to navigate governmental bureaucracy, and it led me to think about the possibility of starting a business as a “bureaucracy navigator”–someone who helps families of the elderly deal with Medicare, for example.
This is a thing. My sister in law has talked to someone like this.
I’m sorry to say that I have no useful advice about being financially dependent. I have often made life choices because I loved what I chose even though should a bad situation have occurred I would have been financially precarious. it has worked out great so far, but of course may not always.
I actually wanted to write a reply to your post about Elizabeth’s sleepover, but missed the boat. I was struck by your description there of your loud, full-of-life house and family. It immediately made me remember all the things I loved about growing up as the oldest of five kids. We had a next door neighbor who was an only child and was always sleeping over for the late-night board games and the late morning pancakes by the dozens. (Of course I can also imagine an only child who might not have enjoyed all the hubbub.)
I am now expecting my fourth girl, and we’re hoping to have one or two more still. (Do you know how hard it is to find a guy who’s on board for that?) I’ve found these last few months that crossing the line from three children to four has put me in a different category in people’s minds. I am constantly being approached by people I don’t know, who ask, “Will this be your last?” And I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve run into someone in the grocery story with more than three kids (which could just be where I live.)
I guess I’m just here to say “me too”. Although I’m sure it’s not for everyone, I love my big family and don’t regret staying at home with the kiddos (although yes, sometimes I dream about the day where everyone can wipe their own butt, and I can go back to work.) The other day someone offered my a job back in my old career out of the blue. It was a watershed moment for me, where I really got to pick what I most wanted: always a good feeling. Sometimes I feel like the craziest person in town for choosing this, but it really is what I want right now. Thank you Swistle for being a person who is willing to normalize having five kids. That was what I needed to hear today. (Not “Are you having a boy yet?”)
YES, it’s that bridge from 3 kids to 4 that seems like the giant one, culturally! I had my 3rd and 4th together as twins so I didn’t see it as vividly in my own household (though I did see the difference between answering “Two” and “Four” to the question “How many kids do you have?”), but I have definitely noticed that people have “as many as 3 kids” but not MORE than that—and having 3 is considered a pretty big deal. When I announced I was pregnant AGAIN after THAT, we got responses like “ARE YOU NUTS??” (and a ton of the unfunny “Don’t you know what causes this?”). We get a fair number of people assuming that with that number of kids, we must be religious and/or we must homeschool. And yet it feels so normal to me! and not much harder than having 2!
I have four kids but I never ever take them all to the grocery store. There may be more big families around you than you see!
Wanted to say something similar… I come from a family of four kids and I don’t think my parents have EVER EVER EVER gone to a grocery store with all of us at the same time!
My mother had five children, I am the oldest. She took my brother and me to the grocery store with her one time. We fought and knocked down a stack of cereal boxes. She hired a babysitter every Friday and went alone after that. :)
When I transitioned from full time work to SAH parent, one thing I really got into was managing my Roth IRA. My understanding is that your Roth is yours even if you divorced. Any lawyers please correct me. The sense of empowerment helped me feel good about our particular situation. Like you, I don’t regret my choices, but sometimes being hands on with the money quiets the thoughts that I’m powerless. I’m not!
At least in my state, Roth IRAs are still a marital asset and the value of it is shared between both spouses.
The parents of one of my kids’ friends split up as her instigation. She had previously been a freelance writer in a very PT way, but she was able to send up a flare to her friends and work what connections she had an mold her skills ( YOU HAVE SKILLS TOO, see other commenters’ observations) into what is now a FT salaried career with benefits.
There are also careers you can train for that are more flexible depending on the variables you choose and the timing of when you start. A friend got her degree in nursing and now works night shifts in oncology — it’s a field that she is temperamentally suited to, and the night shift both pays more and is quieter, which suits her introverted self. But she wouldn’t have been able to do it when her kids were little. Another friend who does . . . something in taxes? . . . has a crunch season that wouldn’t have worked when her kids were little. Teenagers can handle having some months out of the year when they need to be more self-reliant.
The issue of needing to live in the same place as the kids becomes progressively less relevant as the kids get older. Eventually you could get free housing as a nanny to the stars.
Am I the only person ungenerous enough to think, “If motherhood is going to make her finances less certain, shouldn’t Swistle at least have gotten that sixth baby she wanted?”? I probably am.
*split up AT her instigation
I work with folks who need to go back to school for all sorts of reasons (and “I was a stay-at-home-parent but now I’m not due to divorce/death/disability” is a VERY common one) and I second some of the advice you’ve gotten above. You do not necessarily need to go back for a full degree program, but starting to pick away at skills that you might need in Excel, web design, etc. might be good. You can do this easily online (I do a lot through Coursera) or through your local community college or adult education center.
The added benefit is that in the process you may find something you genuinely enjoy that has a natural career path associated with it. It is definitely better to do this now, when there is no pressure, than to do it later in a state of AAIIYYEEEEEE. And if you never need it then, hey. You learned something and that never sucks.
You aren’t alone. As soon as my younger brother graduated high school, my mom transitioned from SAHM to elder care to support my grandparents. By the time the last grandparent died, my mom was in her 60s. Despite almost 50 years of a solid marriage, financial dependence does weigh on her, and it was remarkably hard for her to get a credit card in her own name.
The word “networking” scares me because I’m a shy introvert, so I try to think of having useful conversations with interesting people. Are there librarians you admire at your current job? Could you take one out to coffee (or whatever activity is appropriate during COVID) and ask about their career path and opportunities in the library, while communicating that this is just for information? Do you know anyone in your town who went back to work at midlife, or anyone who has a job that sounds interesting to you? Ask them for coffee. People like telling their stories, and these conversations could be a way to build connections and collect information. I did this as part of a professional development program this summer, and I was amazed how eager people are to talk by phone or Zoom about their career paths. It was really hard to issue the invitations, but the payout was worth it.
I also second the advice about the skills you show on this blog – writing, navigating health care, dealing with people, managing a large family. You have valuable skills; the trick will be supplementing with whatever software is used and making connections to learn about opportunities. It’s also okay to not love a job. You can find meaning in financial security or the social interactions with coworkers even if the job itself isn’t a passion.
I read a science fiction novel that imagines a world where “professional parent” is a paid career. People take time to be home with children, with compensation, and then can reenter the work force, with Professional Mother or Father seen as a legit occupation on a resume. It’s a throw-away idea in the larger story, but oh, what a good goal to work towards!
Oooh, that’s another skill Swistle has–Professional Mother of Twins. I know a family that had triplets and then twins, and in both instances hired helpers while the babies were small. I would suspect there are quite a few families who would love to hire a Professional Mom to help with their multiples, and would pay well for that help.
Ooh, yes, Swistle the Expert Mom, Swistle Who Loves Babies, Swistle Who Has Experience as a Home Health Aide could pivot PERFECTLY to the very expensive baby nurse market. There are a lot of different names for this kind of job- nanny, night nurse, portpartum doula, etc. Add a specialization in twins and you are all set!
My aunt was married for 32 years, and just got divorced last year. It was always their family plan that she would stay home with the kids, and they divorced JUST after their youngest was graduating high school. The judge in their divorce, in a Boston suburb, awarded her 16 years of alimony and 75% of his 401k, since he has like 20 more years of earning income ahead of him. The idea was that she should have half as many years as their marriage to get back on track, career wise, since it was a joint decision that she stay home, so the money he makes and amassed in their retirement is not his alone. Just having that knowledge of what a modern day family court judge is deciding helps me feel a little more protected, assuming one can get a good attorney.
Yes. This. It probably varies by state and what judge and attorneys are involved, but decent alimony and being given a good chunk of the assets is definitely in the cards if you’re the spouse who’s stayed home and supported the working spouse.
I have been thinking along these lines lately, as well, it’s so interesting and helpful to read other people’s perspectives on this! My children are all old enough that I feel like I would like to start either going back to school or looking for some sort of career, in anticipation of them leaving home and needing me less. And then of course with the idea that I might need to financially provide for myself or our family at some point, for whatever reason. I like the idea about looking into some sort of technician job in the medical sector – people I know who do those sorts of jobs have found them to be quite secure employment/benefit wise and also quite flexible where family time is concerned. The training doesn’t usually take more than a year or two. Things like becoming ultrasound techs, or dental assistants, etc. I have several friends that work those types of jobs that are able to currently work only 4-6 shifts a month, which is enough to keep their skills up and keep them in the work force while their kids need more attention, but leaves the door quite open for when they’re ready to be more full time.
For now I’ve taken a part time teachers assistant job at my kids private school, since I figure this will at least be a good way to get started on having some sort of resume again and people that can give me recommendations when/if I’m ready to more substantially enter the workforce. It sounds like you are doing well in that area, with both your elder care and library jobs from recent years.
Something I have looked into for a relative is Clinical Coding. I’m in New Zealand so it’s probably somewhat different, but the training is not too lengthy and can be done online. It seems like a good option for people who are careful with detail and enjoy making things ‘tidy’. Here’s the US site I found, which has salary information as well.
The website did not post but it’s ahima dot org!
I don’t see social security addressed elsewhere – you’ve been married more than ten years, which means that you would be eligible for a spousal social security benefit, if it’s bigger than what you would receive on your own account. I believe that it’s half the amount that you Paul would be eligible for. (I got divorced right around 10 years of marriage, that was explained to me as a benefit of waiting the extra six months, though it didn’t end up applying to me because my own account was bigger than the half.)
I work for a university and my job is to design online courses (mostly MOOCs). So I might be a little biased when it comes to this but… there are so many people like you (in their forties, either a SAP or just someone looking to switch careers) who follow our courses. MOOCs are particularly great because there are many that are freely available so you can try them out. Do I like this subject? Am I interested enough to follow it to the end? And then you can consider whether you’re interested enough to pursue it as a career and pay to get accreditation through online (or offline) courses as well. Online courses are super convenient because you can usually do them at your own pace. And no one cares if you quit halfway through or even after 1 module.
Big platforms for MOOCs are Coursera, edX, Futurelearn and Khan Academy. Of course there’s a huge variety in topics, level, target audience (and quality) so it can be a little overwhelming if you go to these websites and just browse their catalogue. So it’s helpful to know a little bit about what might interest you. (For instance, writing, or healthcare or library science.) You can also use the website class central (dot) com to read reviews of other learners on these online courses.
Thank you for this information! Just before COVID hit I had started exploring this type of thing, but then all of my kids came home and it all went to heck. I should get back to this once in person school starts in a couple of weeks.
If you like writing and editing, you have years of experience doing that work and I’m sure you could get paid as a writer or editor (either through direct employment or freelance). There are short-ish degree programs for editing, I looked into it a few years ago when I wanted to make a transition to working 100% from home and working only part-time while my son is young. I ultimately ended up finding a part-time job in my old field (I’m an executive assistant) that I am able to do from home, and it doesn’t pay as well as what I’d be making if I’d kept on my full-time in-person job track but the job I have now offers me the flexibility I want while my son is young and it does offer health insurance if I needed it and I do have a 401(k) with employer match, and the job pays well enough that if my husband and I split I could increase my hours (either with my current job or by adding a little freelance) and support myself. But I also live in a state where I know that assets acquired during the marriage (house, spouse’s 401(k), etc) are marital assets and so even though my husband’s been contributing more to his 401(k) that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t get some of that if we were to divorce.
It will depend on the laws in your state, but the fact that you were financially contributing less while raising your kids shouldn’t mean that you wouldn’t get half or at least some value of the house and other assets acquired during the marriage. Some states say it’s 50/50 no matter what, some states you sort of weigh things out, but it’s not like the fact that you didn’t contribute as much means that you walk away with nothing if you divorce. Hopefully it wouldn’t take too much digging around to find out approximately how you could expect things to shake out in your state, and then you could not feel worried and can consider your next career options with less urgency/worry.
I love your comment section, it’s always so informative and affirming.
I’ve had this on my mind lately as one of my yoga teacher colleagues is faced with something quite difficult: her husband, who is a pilot and who has worked very little since March 2020, contracted Covid, had a severe outcome, and now will likely never fly again at age 52. So she is faced with that. Believe me when I say that supporting oneself, let alone one’s family, as a yoga teacher is very difficult, if not basically impossible.
Anyway, I love my fellow Swistle readers! You are all the best.
I don’t have anything new to add on the alimony/splitting assets topic. But I do know some folks who have changed careers late:
Nanny: her employers I think chip in for her Obamacare insurance. No degree required.
Nursing: benefits, flexible schedule, tons of job options within the field. I think it was a 1-2 year degree?
Genetic counseling: benefits, hot field, standard 9-5. I think a 2 year degree. If you’re interested in medicine and science but do NOT want to have to touch gross stuff, seems like a good area.
I went back to school to become a genetic counselor as a single parent! It’s doable, although it was an intense couple of years and my parents lived close by and were very helpful.
There are lots of health care professions with staff shortages so age is less of an issue. I think there are certificate courses for jobs like radiology tech or medical assistant. I don’t know how well they pay but there are certainly jobs with benefits. Our medical system is so desperate to find qualified people for many job types (medical assistant, nurse, genetic counselor, pharmacy tech) that they pay a $1200 referral bonus if we refer someone and they are hired.
I have a vague impression that Real Estate Agent is a fallback choice for a lot of women in your situation. Maybe partly because my mother-in-law did it. I don’t know how hard it is to become a realtor or if it would suit you, but it might be one more thing to think about.
Also, I used to work part-time as a tutor for a tutoring business (like Kumon or similar). In my experience, those places are always hiring, and while the pay won’t support a family it’s generous for flexible part time work. In a pinch, if you needed to temporarily add hours outside of your library job to help make ends meet, that’s something you could look for. (Qualifications: in my experience, if you can handle SAT-level math and are good at working 1-on-1 with high school kids, you have an instant job. But they also need tutors who can teach reading to elementary aged kids and everything in between.)
Also…you’re mentioning “another” degree, so it sounds likely that you already have a bachelors. In which case, from a purely economic perspective, you’re probably better off concentrating on work/jobs/volunteer opportunities that improve your resume, rather than an actual masters degree program which might come with a lot of debt without an obvious improvement to your employability. In this time when people are desperate for hirable people and so much is remote, maybe you could pick up something part time in addition to your library job? Something administrative assistant-ish that could let you add skills to your resume and also get some insight into what other jobs are out there and make some professional connections?
Also…this doesn’t necessarily have to be a different job. You could do a quick peruse of jobs that would get you roughly the salary you might need (after taking into account the assets you would get in a divorce, and what your eligibility would be for discounted health insurance without Paul’s income), and then pick out the skills associated with those jobs that you might be able to get in your current job. I bet somebody at the library does website updates, or purchasing, or reconciliation, or whatever…and I bet they’re sick of it and would happily train you. Or you could let it be known to your supervisor that you’d be happy to fill in for someone’s maternity leave at some point, or just generally that if there are new projects, to think of you.
For peace of mind, would you like to talk to a family law attorney and ask them these questions? Some offer free consultations and you could find out how this often works out in your state.
Reread what Gillian said. Swistle, you know me and my children. Your mom is my dear friend. I lived where you currently live when my husband took off to be with another woman and left me with three little ones and no education beyond high school. This was in 1985. After grieving for months, I went to school at age 31. I thought I was SO old. I earned an Associates degree. I understand that at your age, going back to school is a depressing thought but you don’t have to! You have a a 4 year degree and you’re one of the most intelligent, witty and clever women I know. You will succeed in anything and everything you do!
My dad told his 5 children when we were little, “you are beautiful, you are smart and you can do anything.” That’s exactly what I held on to when my dirty husband left and I thought I would never be able to be successful in the workplace. I found my perfect job as a Realtor many years ago.
On to more practical things. First, in your state, all your assets will be divided 50/50 including your husband’s retirement. Half will slide right into an retirement account. Your house will be divided 50/50. If you have custody of the children, chances are that you will be able to live in the home until your youngest graduates from high school as was the case in my divorce settlement.
In my case (and others I know) the house was divided based on the current value so if the value goes up in 4 years when your youngest graduates, that money is yours. (you don’t have to pay the ex until you sell)
I had physical custody of the children so only my income was reviewed by colleges when the children were ready for college. My high paid ex-husband did not have to supply financial info. Therefore, my children received scholarships.
At the time of my divorce, my husband was making $65,000/year. Lots of money for 1985. There was no magic to how much in child support I received. You can look it up online for current values. Based on his income, I got $100 per week for each child and $100 in alimony. That was a whooping $400 per week and about $1,800 per month.
I’m happily married now with 11 grandchildren, ages 2 to 14, and my husband is a wonderful Grampy to those grands. I could have never imagined that I would have had the strength to start over and be so happy. We just had all of them together for the first time in 2 years. I’m still recovering for the chaos and my eyes fill with tears when I think of all of them.
I think you should squirrel some money away for a rainy day. I know someone who is unhappily marriend who takes money from her groceries every week and puts it in a secret account. Maybe some would think that’s dishonest but everyone should have a secret account in my opinion.
Life will be good,
CC Donna
What everyone else said. Also, you have a medically-complicated child, so any work you get must necessarily be flexible and therefore will pay less. I think your state takes that into account when determining alimony. However, it also looks like your state is not super generous when it comes to alimony. (IANAL, I just googled). It looks like your state IS more generous about splitting property, however.
Swistle, I haven’t read everyone’s comments here, but I am a college admissions counselor (I work independently from any school, with students doing their college admissions search) and I think it would be a great fit for you. I for a woman who already is doing this as a small business, you can do that, or start your own. I have a Master’s in a tangentially related field and am getting a certification through an extension program BUT you do not have to have a Master’s, or have a degree in anything related. Tons of the people in my program are parents who helped their kid(s) apply to colleges and then their kids’ friends and so on and want to do this. The field is unregulated (see Varsity Blues scandal, so don’t be shady), so you don’t HAVE to have any qualifications. The certification is reasonably affordable ($5k-ish for seven classes).
I think many of the things you like about the library, plus your natural curiosity/doing stuff with kids, plus your writing would make this a good fit for you. I set my own hours and work from home since Covid (and many work from home all the time). If you want to talk more, I think you can see my email from my comment, I would love to chat.
So, I don’t have much to add except echo the advice of making sure your computer skills (Excel, Word, database, Quickbooks or Quicken) are up to par. I have always earned more money than my husband, and he is now semi-retired so he makes even less. So the challenge will be my retirement time and how that will all work. Fortunately our mortgage is paid off.
So if we were to divorce I believe the judge would probably require me to pay him some sort of alimony and he would get a fair share of my retirement money. It could even be that he would get the house and I would have to find another place to live. Our we sell and share the proceeds. You would probably need a good lawyer and some help figuring out what you would need to live on.
I’ve enjoyed your blog for years, and really appreciate how instantly recognizable the situations you write about are (and often so funny – god I have had this phrase in my head for years “Swistle builds a boat and fills it with gold and spices while Paul is in the shower”). Anyway the main addition I have is that I’ve been reading a lot of Ann Helen Peterson’s latest posts about predatory masters programs where the debt to salary/jobs availability is obscenely out of whack. I don’t have any personal experience but I did see a LOT of comments in her piece from MLS people that definitely were warnings. Maybe worth a read and some research: https://annehelen.substack.com/p/the-masters-trap
I have an MLS and I don’t exactly recommend it. My program was legit (it was at a large state school), but libraries are hiring fewer and fewer librarians They are running the place with paraprofessionals instead, so there might be room for upward mobility if you want to move beyond being a page. Even MLS programs are being phased out and replaces with MIS (Masters in Information Science or Informatics) programs, which are more focused on, well, programming.
I don’t have much experience with divorce/later-in-life career moves and so sadly have little to add to the broader discussion going on here (except for a virtual hug for Swistle if she wants it and another vehement YOU ARE SO SMART AND CAPABLE YOU WOULD BE ABSOLUTELY FINE (after a period of understandable grieving and wtf-ing)). Just wanted to say that the “gold and spices in the bathtub,” and many other classic Swistle lines, have really stuck with me and always make me smile. Like when I see something overpriced and think of ARE YOU LITERALLY AND ACTUALLY ON ACTUAL LITERAL DRUGS.
We appreciate you Swistle! And even as a totally broke young person, I would absolutely pay money to read your blog, if that’s a route you’re thinking of taking.
Joining the chorus to say that you probably would not find yourself in a worst case scenario…however I will suggest that IF you found yourself in said worst case scenario you could consider nannying. It might not be what you’d most enjoy, but the right situation and family could offer stability, benefits, and possibly even housing. I pay my nanny through a payroll service so taxes and social security are covered, and her hourly rate is considerable. Honestly, most of my paycheck goes to hers, but it’s worth it to me as I’m trying to keep some semblance of a seat at the table, even though it’s not at all the career I envisioned. Again, it’s probably not what you’d like to do, but I’d hire you in a second.
I do not know how your family splits up the financial knowledge. But it would behoove BOTH of you to take an hour or two and do a full financial review with each other. People can get complacent and it eventually feels like one person shoulders the finance burden over the other. My husband and I did this recently. It turned out he had no idea who held our mortgage, what our mortgage payment was, what our 401K status was, all of that. Because I’m the one who pays the bills, he just gets a direct deposit every two weeks. I did not realize that he was making double payments on our trailer, just to get it paid off faster. This is not a worst case scenario situation, just a talk things out situation.
I am in a similar situation and have been working towards finding financial independence. I did go back to school, even though I wasn’t keen on it (old lady in a classroom! Creating debt!). I have to say, it wasn’t as terrible as I remembered (and honestly, feared). I have the same fear/worry as you — my age & gender working against me — but I’m more hire-able now than I was. The pandemic thoroughly derailed my education/career plans, and for the past year, I’ve been quietly panicking. I can’t say I’ve come up with a solution, but I’m applying for my Master’s degree and my hope is to make my own solution to this issue. Whatever you do choose to do, I wish only to point out that a certain degree of stubbornness will help you succeed. :)
Just expanding on the library skills in an environment that offers benefits… a dear friend works at an archive and there is a large library associated with it. I am shocked how many private archives/libraries are around once I start looking for them. Also, museums and places like historical socities have libraries that need those skills. I hope these thoughts get your creative mind churning toward additional options.
Your blog is infinitely monetizable; you have a large following and you would make significant income if you ever decide to go that route. The blog(s) is something that you alone created: all you, you created it and you own it. It has value! In addition, the law recognizes your contribution to the family and your long marriage; you would get half of the house, the retirement plans, etc. Any decent lawyer would protect you with healthcare etc. Paul wouldn’t be fine. He would lose half of everything, plus YOU, which is a price way too high to pay. Just sayin’.
Yes. This. I’ve followed many bloggers to paid platforms and I’m thrilled to support them. Also, it’s something you could do immediately.
What if you started a business? Here’s an idea – turn your care package creativity into a business. Maybe like a subscription box people could sign up for? We just sent a basket of things to my mother in law in her nursing home, and it was $$$ and not exactly filled with what we wanted. Seems there could be a market for fun care packages of Target-type items – snacks, cups, make-up, cute things – you could do themes and then have either one-time purchases or subscription. Oh, and the subscription could let you send to a different person each time. And maybe some personalisation of some of what’s in each box? There are lots of these monthly boxes but is anyone doing cute themed care packages to send to kids at college, friends, Valentine’s Day?? This is what I want you to do!
Yes! I agree!
I think people have you covered on the alimony front, and I’m not American so not an expert on how your system works but I definitely think it wouldn’t be as bleak as you imagine.
My husband has a colleague who has recently separated from her husband and rejoined the workforce after 10-15 years at home with her two kids. She’s joined his company (polling and research) at a relatively junior level but they all think she’s great and she’s likely to be promoted fast. So I think there’s a lot to be said for post-kid careers, IF it’s something you actually want to do and you find the right company (my husband’s is really progressive with great benefits).
I recently left teaching and now work for our local high school and although the pay is crappy, right now, raises are good and I have good benefits and a pension. Also I guess if my husband left me like that it might motivate me to get all the money I could from him. I like to keep that in my mind because I have more than one friend whose husband up and left them and they were so shocked they really got taken, some lost their retirement, some had to pay the penalty! Neither got child support until years later. It has scared me through my entire marriage, I try to be ready and hope I don’t have to be.
I agree with everyone that is saying you already have such a following on this blog, I’m certain you could flip “Swistle” into a profitable business. Monetizing the blog, spin off to a You Tube channel, doing some freelance writing. I think the care package business is a great idea as well. Not sure if you have interest in doing any of that but it actually may be the easiest way to make money by spinning off what you already do and enjoy.
On a slightly different note – I think it’s also ok to admit that there are certain levels of improbable shittiness that you don’t have a plan for, and not be down on yourself for not having a plan. Your point that you shouldn’t have to give up a life and a job that you like JUST IN CASE is a good one. The life you have is sensible and well planned out and you have worked very hard to make it work. You should not have to work extra double hard to also have two or three back-up lives in the waiting just in case Paul turns into a sociopath and the entire legal system of your state fails you, even if that situation isn’t impossible. I think our culture does too much blaming people for their misfortunes (and excusing ourselves from our responsibilities to help) by holding onto the belief that things could have been avoided with better planning.
This is a very good point. We have to make choices in life, and not everything can be planned for. Sometimes shitty stuff just happens. (In the case Swistle describes, there are protections for spouses in the form of alimony/maintenance and the division of marital property, even though no system is perfect.) But everything is a trade-off, and sometimes a particular choice backfires, not of our own doing. Something that has helped my own anxiety about those things is to think, OK, if the worst happens, then what? And the answer is always, I would get through it somehow and it would be OK. In the meantime, I can live my life.
You bring much value to your family and to the marriage. Some resetting of norms and/or shifting your mindset on family finances might be helpful.
I was reading Abigail Adam’s letters to John a few years ago. She referenced the money she considered hers. Basically, she paid herself a salary (ie pocket money, pin money) and then invested it. I thought it was striking because even today some people have a hard time claiming money. I don’t know how your finances work, but I hope you claim some money. I once read about a guy putting a $100 bill in a money box every two weeks after his wife cheated on him until it reached 10k. It was his emergency bail out money. The financial advisor writing the book thought this was nuts to have this money not earning interest. I disagree. This money gave him peace of mind, which seems more precious than pennies on the dollar.
Monetize your blog if you can do so without it robbing your joy and making it feel like a job.
I’d love to read a Swistle book. Self publishing seems to make this idea less intimidating somehow. Or meet Reese when she picks up your book for her book club.
YES TO THE SWISTLE BOOK!!!! Repackage some of your Greatest Hits of parenting/how-to-do-life tips from the blog and make it a book. Boom—income. Or “Swistle’s Coping Thoughts TM” as a little book with funny illustrations or a more serious “CBT for Dummies”-esque of book. I know you’ve mentioned previously on the blog that you hate being edited, but maybe JMV’s suggestion of self-publishing involves less editing by others?
Kindle Direct Publishing allows anyone to self-publish on Amazon. There’s a bit of a learning curve on how to make covers and files, but it’s not impossible to figure out and you can always outsource that sort of design part.
I am not in this career, but I have heard that sonogrophy (sp) only requires a couple of years of school, and that pays well. Good Luck!
I don’t know anything about family law, so I am of no help there. You do refer to job training as possibly something that could lead to being able to fill your time once the kids are grown. If you think the library job you have and like might not be enough to give you a sense of purpose once full time parenting is over, that’s probably something to think about more seriously than the less-likely scenario of divorce (less likely because the kids will grow up for sure). My mom went back to school when I was in high school for this reason and had a rewarding later-in-life career as a medical sciences librarian for about 15 years. Now she’s retired (she retired at 60) and grandkids are filling her time nicely.
I wouldn’t work full time if I didn’t have to, either, so maybe there is training you could do to allow you to do something part time that seems rewarding, and in case of emergency those skills could transfer to a full time job if you ever needed to support yourself.
The advice you have above is great.
A good friend found herself in the situation you fear. I was terrified. I have 4 kids, 2 with medical issues and 16 years as a sahm with flexible (low paid) jobs. I’m pleased with my choices and I would do it again. BUT, my friend’s situation made me feel vulnerable and scared.
I decided to study at university from home. This is my first degree and the money factors are different here then the US, so I can’t advise you. There is a really important aspect though that is non monetary. Higher level study is really tough on marriages. I have more than one friend who has separated during the degree. If husband is at all unsupportive, or inclined not to pull his weight this becomes extra obvious when you are sitting up late into the night facing a deadline. At times I have felt driven to despair by my husband’s selfishness (and tbh it is his base level of selfishness that he has always had but when under pressure I can’t cope with it). I can see the irony that my choices might have contributed to the situation I feared.
But still, I am about to graduate and plan to work part time in a mid pay industry and my husband is suprisingly relieved to have extra income on the horizon. I worry no one will hire me at my advanced age of 45. But the feedback has been good at my internship so we will see.
Good luck and best wishes to you. I also advise self care. Anx is a beast and it is best to avoid feeding it.
It is such a refreshing and reassuring read when we all talk honestly about these midlife concerns. It makes me feel so much less crazy and alone for wondering these thing about my own life and marriage. I have a full time job that would support me and the kids (+child support) if necessary, but that has only happened in the past 2 years, after 10 years of staying home with them, and 3 years of working a job that would not have supported us. Before that, I worried a lot about my financial dependence. All this to say, I think about the miasma of finances a lot, running through all the scenarios in my head … I guess a lot of us do that. It is comforting to know.
Wow. I have had these same fears and it is wonderful to read everyone’s advice and wisdom. One thing I have often wondered is whether there is a way for you to monetize your blog more. I don’t know your traffic numbers but you definitely seem to have a very loyal, engaged fan-base which seems to be the key metric used by brands when choosing sponsorships.
I feel like since no one else has mentioned this so there must be an obstacle or reason that you aren’t already doing it that I have possibly missed. “I just don’t want to” is also more than a valid reason. I just want you to know that I wouldn’t have an issue with you doing some sponsored posts here or on the Baby Name Blog. Even if it wouldn’t be enough money to support yourself independently maybe it could fund a savings account in your name that could give you some additional peace of mind.
I am going back to school in the fall at the age of 40. My youngest is starting kindergarten and so I’ll have my mornings free. Ive been doing contract work from home for about 7 years now and decided it was time to think about my future career prospects. It’s part time online so it may take me longer to finish but still wanted some flexibility. It is a library tech program and I thought hard about it versus a MLIS. I talked to another mum I know who worked in that field years ago and I asked other friends for contacts currently in the field. I came to the conclusion that the type of work I’d be interested in likely doesn’t require a masters and since it’s more expensive it seemed the better choice.
The only problem is that my husband has always wanted to return to his home country. If we do in fact move I don’t know what my prospects there will be but I’d rather have the certificate than not.
seconding the recommendation to read anne helen peterson’s masters trap series before signing up for a master’s degree! it’s in three parts and is hugely eye opening.
https://annehelen.substack.com/p/the-masters-trap
Very late to the discussion, but to anyone reading through this later, this website has very interesting state specific information about divorce – http://www.realworlddivorce.com