Here is something I have noticed, but have been unsure if it’s something we want to talk about or not. I noticed that I went through a stage of feeling kind of sad and panicky that in all likelihood I was never going to fall in love again, never going to have another first kiss with someone, etc. It’s not that I was unhappy in my marriage, but that it suddenly seemed like the stage of Dating Thrills had been such a short stage, and I hadn’t done enough of it when I had the chance.
And what I’ve now noticed is that at some point I seem to have stopped feeling that way. Just as the previous feelings weren’t because I was unhappy in my marriage, the disappearance of those feelings wasn’t due to any particular contentment/happiness in my marriage: it’s like those feelings run on a different track. Now I feel like if I were to be widowed, I wouldn’t want to date again. I feel weary at the idea of it. I don’t pine for those New Romance feelings.
It reminds me very much of the stage in which I desperately wanted more children, and then at some point no longer did, and so I think it’s likely that all these feelings are related to biology/hormones. I remember when I was feeling as if I couldn’t have a happy life unless I had another baby, and I talked to the OB/GYN about it, asking him if those feelings would ever go away, and he said, “I can’t tell you what will happen for YOU. But I can tell you that in my practice, at some point my patients stop talking to me about it.”
Well. I mean. That seems like it could easily be explained by women giving up hope: it’s one thing to be perishing for want of a baby at age 33, and another thing entirely at age 53: no sense talking to the OB/GYN about it at that point. But in my experience, that wasn’t the explanation; in my experience, the feelings of desperation just stopped. I still wish I HAD HAD another baby back then (and I don’t think I will ever be able to forgive Paul for that), but I no longer want a new baby NOW.
Similarly, it’s not that I gave up on experiencing new love again, it’s that I stopped wanting to. I still wish I’d had more romances before getting married so I could think back on them, but I no longer want a new one NOW.
Anyway. I don’t know how universal this experience is. I know that when I was feeling some despair at never having a New Love / First Kiss again, I talked with various friends about it, and a few of them were like “OH ME TOO, HOW CAN THAT WHOLE THING BE OVER FOREVER” and some of them were more like “ARE YOU KIDDING ME, I NEVER WANT TO GO THROUGH THAT HELL AGAIN,” so I know there is some…variety. Same with babies: some of my friends DEEPLY IDENTIFIED with the desire to have another baby (and with the concern that maybe we’d NEVER feel “done”), and others were like “God no, I’m so glad that part’s done with!”
I definitely wanted another baby and my husband definitely did not. And I am always going to be sad that our son doesn’t have a sibling, but I’m also feeling happy that I don’t currently have a grumpy teenager in the house (and sad that I don’t have a snuggly teenager in the house).
I am still in the stage of feeling a little sad that I’ll never experience those first few days of falling in love again, with accompanying wonder and delight, but I also have a friend who is currently dating and hearing her talk about it just makes me go UGH. Not even the bad experiences, just the normal ones- finding someone you’re interested in, making plan for the first time, being “on”. It just makes me feel exhausted and so, so thankful that I’m not in that stage right now.
I’m still in that stage of sometimes, sometimes desperately, wanting another baby. But those feelings are fewer, and farther between, and less sharp (or sharp for less time) than they were before. I have been waiting for them to intensify, as they did when I first wanted a baby, so I could KNOW how I felt and Do Something about it… but they have only continued to gradually decrease in frequency and intensity.
New love/romance sounds… ridiculous. I have NO desire to date or meet new people or experience all the horrid, awkward feelings and game playing. No thank you.
Yes- I’m right in the middle of both of those feelings. Midlife, I guess? Hard to know what is next after you hit all the “milestones” of early adulthood.
A few years ago, I genuinely grieved the fact that I would likely never experience New Love/New Romance/First Kiss feelings ever again. But just like you, now I’m like, meh. No interest in any of that. And it had nothing to do with my marriage – it was just a very intense melancholy about what would never be.
I was very firm about not having any more children after my first and only child; I happily led the One and Done parade. She is 11 now and is very happy to be an only child. I am also now in my mid-forties. So naturally, I have recently and out of the blue started having Baby Sadness. WTH?? I never even had a particularly intense yearning BEFORE I had her and never had that yearning after I had her but when I could still have more if I wanted to. WHY NOW, HORMONES?? I am almost 46. GO AWAY, FEELINGS.
Oh man, I can relate (then, not now). My husband and I wanted children but were unable to conceive for whatever reasons. Through my mid-40’s there was always that hope, but now I can see all the blessings that came in other ways. We adopted an adult daughter a few years ago and can enjoy parenthood without the baby stuff. BUT even though I am well-past baby producing age I still get that baby desire…maybe it’s because my friends are having grandkids. Also I have been married for almost 41 years, and I wouldn’t want to go through that New Love/New Romance/First Kiss stage ever again! It was hard to go through that, and while not everything about our marriage is perfect, I do feel very, very fortunate.
I am firmly in the “I don’t want either of those things” camp, exactly as you describe. I never really had the sadness for No More Babies – after our third baby I was 100% there, and I’ve never waivered. I recognize this is a blessing, as I think it would be very painful to enter this menopausal stage of life I’m in and wish our family was larger. We wanted a daughter and I’m a little sad about that, but only a smidge. As for dating, I have had the occasional period of mourning for knowing those days are over. Even if I was widowed or something, judging by how invisible I am lately I appear to have already passed “My Last F*ckable Day” as Amy Schumer so eloquently put it. But I haven’t been too sad about knowing there will be no more first kisses. Maybe because life’s burdens have slapped me with clinical anxiety and a panic disorder (which I did not have in my younger days), so what used to be “exciting” now just sounds like “panic attack.”
I’m 46 and with you. If somehow I wasn’t married anymore, dating holds 0 draw for me. Just…no. I’d rather travel the world solo or something.
I did have brief 3rd baby wishes at some point, but my husband was adamantly opposed and my feelings faded without resentment.
I’m hoping the baby thing passes, even though my baby yearnings are Deeply Ambivalent. I am old(ish) to have a third. Our teeny English cottage is much too teeny and our village too pricy to upsize (I envy the bits of America 3000sq/ft huge madly cheap houses SO MUCH), we make adorable stubborn babies who refuse to sleep and are very needy, even by baby standards. My career would suffer even more. Ditto my marriage. We have zero family support and we’re stretched paper thin as it is. All good reasons why I’ve agreed with my v firm husband that we are done. But ohhhh the baby aches still get me. I think even more than that I yearn for the 3 kid dynamic I grew up with. Anyway! Right now I’m in the exhausted point of small kid life where I cannot imagine summoning the energy to date a human person, let alone remove my clothes for a stranger. So maybe that one just hasn’t hit yet?
I had the Baby Longing big time before having our baby; it was triggered by a friend getting pregnant. It threw me for such a loop, it was like all I could think about. Once our baby arrived, I waited for the feeling to come back to let me know it was time to have another. But it never did! And it never did for my husband, either. So we had to make the decision about when/whether to have a second kid based solely on like, logic and reason, which meant we never had a second kid. Now our baby is turning 9 and I am turning 40, and my slightly younger friends/family are going through another baby wave so I keep checking in with myself like, “anything? any twinges?” but all I seem to have is a feeling of “oh, congratulations! better you than me!”
I have never had a longing for new romance that I can remember. The early days are fun to look back on but I seem to have no desire to actually relive them. Thanks, hormones?
“Congratulations! Better you than me!” extremely perfectly sums up my feelings on Other People Having Babies now :D
I turned 50 this year and suddenly I am smack in the middle of this. What I really miss – and fear is gone – is the feeling of passion. It doesn’t necessarily have to be for a person, but I want to feel super excited and consumed and delighted at something again, to the point where I have actively started searching for that.
A friend of mine who is a poet has a poem called “where are the songs for turning 60” and it’s about how pop music is full of songs about young love and first times, but that older people can be passionate too and deserve their own kind of music. So I’ve been reading love poems and listening to love songs and being more deliberate about feeling passionate about things.
But perhaps once this menopause thing is over, I’ll get over it and move into the contentment phase and be very happy to be there.
Oh my goodness, i feel this in my bones! I’m at a different life stage (turning 31, one small child and one on the way). But I often think about how much harder it is for me to get excited about something. Life is busy, I’ve become accustomed to limiting excitement for fear of disappointment, and a bunch of other reasons add up to a much flatter existence than I used to have. My feelings of love for my family are deep, but other than that I don’t find myself at the extreme positive side of the emotional scale much.
I want to be excited and consumed and delighted again!
I’m with Lynn on this one. I hope at 61 I’m not entirely past being able to find excitement in something new. Pretty sure it won’t be a person though – not so much lack of hormonal buzz as lack of ever again wanting to reshape my life to fit someone else’s needs.
I don’t want to ever remarry or live with a man again if anything were to happen to my husband. We are deeply compatible: I love him and I like having him around and he’s useful around the house and he’s great company (most of the time). I simply can’t imagine finding anyone I’d be as good with, and I don’t really want to even try. If something happened to him after the kids had left the nest, I’d downsize to a low-maintenance dwelling near at least one of my kids, and make it exactly how I liked it (décor, design, amenities, etc.).
But, the fact that I don’t want to experience a new relationship again doesn’t mean I’m not a bit sad to think that that stage of my life is over. I miss the excitement and exploration, just not enough to want to seek it out again.
I turned 50 this year, and my husband and I have been together since we were 18. I did, for a while, wonder what a second love would be like–not enough that I was pondering leaving him, just . . . wondering. But now that we are 50, we are both in excellent health but I’m watching others my age start to have health problems and I think, there is no way I would want to take care of an old man. I mean I’ll take care of my husband if I need to because he’s MY old man, but if something God forbid were to happen to him, I’ll stay happily single because I do not want to be some new old man’s nursemaid, thank you very much!
“I do not want to be some new old man’s nursemade” YES! I’m “only” 41 and very happily married, but this is a concise summary of my opinion as well.
after my dad died my mom was asked if shed date againas she was only 70. her reply was “I’M not washing some other old man’s underwear”!
My grandfather died young and my grandmother never remarried. When one of her daughters respectfully asked her if she’d ever considered it, she waved her hand dismissively and said, “Kidneys.”
I am firmly in the “glad that part is over” camp for both new love and babies. Dating was all kinds of anxiety for me. Judging from the comments about a cousin who is expecting another child, my husband is having pangs and feels a bit sad that I stuck by “2 and we’re through.” Who knows, I might also if I wasn’t the one whose daily life got turned upside down and got more complex and busy with each addition to the family….
When I hit 37, many of my friends were having babies. All of a sudden I WANTED ANOTHER BABY (my third, and final had been born just before I turned 29). My sister and both sisters in law were also pregnant that year. My husband would have been OK with another child but, made the argument that it basically meant we were starting all over again with childcare, sleepless nights, while also dealing with teenagers. I did not get my IUD removed. We did not have another baby. A year passed, and I needed to get my IUD replaced anyways, and opted for a tubal ligation at that point (IUD was embedded and needed to be surgically removed, other was my husband was going to get snipped). Now, I’m almost 43, and all of my kids will be in high school this year. I am glad we did not add another child to the mix.
So glad you started this conversation and so relieved to hear your experience. At 39 I’ve been desperately wanting another baby since #2 was born 8 years ago, and resenting DH for saying no. I finally seem to be coming to terms with being done, but day dreams about new babies seem to be being replaced by dreams of new men! Glad to hear this is normal, and that it too shall pass.
May I introduce you to romance novels?! All the feelings and adrenaline rush without leaving your couch! Or dealing with real life disappointment from men! *chef’s kiss*
There are some fun, witty, charming ones out there. It’s how I combat the I Will Never Again feelings.
SUCH a good suggestion. I’ve read a couple books by Christina Lauren this year, and I know they’re brain candy but I get the happy rush.
Before I had my 4th I found it incomprehensible that families could be happy with 3. But after we had her I was completely done. I know this isn’t really what you mean, because I did go on to have that baby that I thought I would die without, but I do wonder with this post if those feelings would have gradually faded anyway.
As for romance. I don’t long for anything except that tingle and the joy of something new. I think I may have to look into romance novels.
At two kids I was completely done. So done that H got a vasectomy when I was about 35 weeks pregnant with our second. In between first and second kid, however, I had a miscarriage and it was devastating because I wanted a second child so much. I feel very lucky to have been able to have a second child and that after that the feeling didn’t come back.
I dated from age 14 until I met my husband at age 28. For me 14 years of dating was quite enough. The thought of dating again makes me want to jump off someplace very high. Maybe it’s because I’m an introvert so those early stages of meeting people and finding someone compatible could be exhausting? Plus the thought of internet dating or using any of those dating apps just fills me with angst – I’m terrible with technology so it combines the worst of dating for me: meeting strangers and figuring out technology.
Almost the same: I dated from age 14 until I met my husband at age 29, so I can’t say I didn’t get enough dating and romance in before settling down. It’s probably why I felt confident moving in together after only 6 months of dating and getting engaged 3 months after that – I had dated enough to recognize a keeper!
I am 33 and just desperately heartbroken over the idea that I may never have or adopt children due to life circumstances. Your post gives me hope that some day the urgent grief will subside of its own accord.
Claire, I honor your urgent grief. I have felt that feeling before and the array of emotions it leads to. I hope you do get to mother/nurture in so many ways and that your desire to be a mom is met or fades in a way that you are comfortable with.
I hope the feeling of wanting another baby fades and really is just biological. My husband was good with only two, but I thought I would want three (actually I wanted an even number, so my fantasy was a third pregnancy but with twins). I think I would have been able to convince him if I had really, really wanted a third, but when my second was at my personal appropriate age gap for having another, I really, really DIDN’T want one. I was exhausted by parenting and just on the cusp of having both kids in some sort of school, and none in diapers. I didn’t even enjoy holding OTHER people’s babies and thought I was no longer a baby person. And then when my youngest was about 6, the baby fever came back. I have managed to talk myself out of it for over two years and now feel like my age makes it prohibitive, plus the gap that would be between the kids seems huge. But a few acquaintances have recently had babies and it’s been hard seeing their adorable pictures. And I don’t have any close friends or family having babies, so none to hold or cuddle and pass back to the parents having gotten that baby fix. I don’t regret having a smaller family (except when I envision something tragic happening to one of mine and the other being left with the burden of being the only Remaining and Precious Child) – I’m not sure I would even want more children – but I really am craving babies right now, and hope it passes someday soon.
As for the other I do read (and sometimes write) romance novels, and it helps to remind me that, for me at least, “romance” really wasn’t all that romantic. It was exciting the few times I fell in love, but also SO MUCH DRAMA and angst. Even with my husband it all felt so uncertain and new until we were actually married, and then afterward, I fretted until we had kids because I wanted a family so badly. I have a hard time imagining ever settling into the type of steady love, fun, and friendship I have with my husband now with anyone else, and the idea of dating and trying to force that to happen is deeply unpleasant. BUT. If something were to happen to my husband, I feel like I would be open to new love after I’d raised my kids and had some time reveling in being alone. I don’t see myself seeking it out, but I’ve known too many people who found a later-in-life love to think I’d be immune. Also, I’m deeply curious to know what falling in love would be like after a couple of decades of earned maturity. It seems like it could be so relaxing and drama free.
I think it does have something to do with biology/age. But I can tell you in no uncertain terms, if something were to happen to The Husband that’s it. I am done. He keeps telling me that I am young and would certainly find someone else. Nope. I do not have the time nor the patience to deal (train) with a new person.
As for the baby – I remember when mine was about 8 or 9, I started desperately wanting another (it took 8 or 9 years because the one I had was “BUSY”) but that eventually faded away and I got all my baby fixes from friend’s babies.
I think I’m in this stage.
A friend remarried recently and all I could think was ‘WHY??’. I love my husband but if something happened I would not be seeking another mate. The very thought is vaguely horrifying to me (I’ve been married for 20 years for context). I do feel wistful at weddings.
Babies. Also no more babies. When I had my fourth I hoped for another (husband was a firm no) but at some stage I stopped hoping/wishing. I stopped tracking fertility and convincing myself period symptoms were early pregnancy symptoms. I don’t remember when or why but the drive to think about it went away (maybe when my youngest was about 5?)
Then about 6 months ago we had a birth control fail and I thought there was a chance (small chance) that I might be pregnant. I went straight back into the mode of hoping/wishing again. Took pregnancy tests I didn’t need and started planning in my head. The month passed (no baby) and it turned off again. I certainly didn’t raise the idea of another anyhow and I’m back to my baseline of not thinking about babies any more. (Though typing this out I am feeling the ‘milk letdown’ sensation (with no milk) that I still experience when I think about babies too much so in some way my body must still be keen (but I rarely ovulate anymore). (and my grandmother was 3 years older than me when she had her last, ‘suprise’ baby so I guess anything is possible and I this experience tells me I would cope ok – even if it is not my plan).
I read a book years ago about how hormones affect our personalities and it said that when we stop physically caring for children we lose the regular oxytocin boost that drives us to care for others in that intense mothering way. The theory was that is why menopausal women start ‘doing things for themselves’ and sometimes leave marriages etc. I can see it. (But I still read your baby name blog).
I knew I wanted two children and so I felt incredibly DONE after my youngest was born, so much so that we scheduled a vasectomy for my husband shortly thereafter. I also used backup birth control for months after he tested as “shooting blanks” which seems like the birth control equivalent of wearing a mask after vaccination.
When the boys were little and I was frazzled and exhausted, I did sometimes wish for the days when romance was fresh and new and exciting. I don’t have those thoughts anymore and I don’t feel it’s likely that I would seek out romance or dating if something happened to my husband, god forbid, spit on the ground. I mean, who knows. But fresh, new, and exciting doesn’t feel like something I want to actively seek.
I am so happy to read this post and comment thread. Midlife, man.
We had 2 babies and my pregnancies were SO HORRIBLE (crippling hyperemesis) that I have never wanted to be pregnant again. I find myself thinking about grandchildren now, looking forward to tiny babies I can enjoy and then give back! I would have likes to have more children, but not enough to even risk getting pregnant again (vasectomy + hysterectomy over here!).
I also do not long for the flush of new romance and would never, never date again if anything were to happen to my husband. Like a commenter upthread said, when friends get RE-married after death or divorce, my first thought is “Whyyyyyy?”
This is a weird contrast, but since my mother’s sudden death after 44 years of marriage to my dad, he went back to dating after only a year and has been pursuing new romance enthusiastically since then. I do not understand it. I support him, but I do not understand it.
I can more easily understand a man looking for a new partner under these circumstances. Some men just do better within relationships. Some women do to, of course, but I suspect this is true of more men.
I don’t want a different husband or a different life from how things are right now… but I do sometimes wish I could know the story of what it would have been like if things had gone differently at different points in my life. Including points that were romance-related. It’s not so much that I want the experience now, but more that I’d like to know as a story.
I do want another child. Have wanted one, even had a doctor’s appointment set up in April 2020 to see if it was even safe enough to try. That got cancelled due to the pandemic and I haven’t set up another yet. (I don’t want to become pregnant again without a high-risk ob/gyn telling me that the risks can be controlled for. There were issues with the birth of my only child–she was fine, but I wasn’t. My ob/gyn at the time was still sounding freaked out when she talked about it at my first follow-up appointment. I’ve been hoping that a doctor that specializes in high-risk might not essentially tell me “for the love of God, don’t even think about it.”)
I wanted a bigger family, but since my youngest is now 6, the idea of repeating the infant stage is…horrifying. I’m single and don’t wish to remain single, I’d love another romance, but I’m dreading dating. Dreading.
I’ve said for years how lucky it is that I already know my future partner. I don’t know who it is, but I am not interested in meeting/dating/preening/stressing for anyone new, so I guess it will have to be someone I know by now. Which makes my dating pool a slimy little puddle, but I truly don’t care.
Interesting observations here! I always loved the IDEA of more babies and that oxytocin-high, in-love feeling you get with with a newborn, but realistically knew I couldn’t handle the stress, sleep deprivation, and added craziness to the work-home life balance. Now after menopause I’m happy to be in no-baby in sight status. I suppose you get contented with your options at some point. I need to start working on plans for my next adventures because the kids will be on their own before I know it .
My husband and I planned for two kids and before long we had our twins. Driving home from the hospital with my “complete” family of four was emotionally overwhelming because it all seemed to happen rather fast. Taking care of my sons full-time those first few years was incredibly difficult for me. I often wondered how our species ever survived and why anyone would want another physically and emotionally helpless person to care for. This was also the time when I often asked myself why I married my husband. I didn’t want to leave him, I just couldn’t easily remember why I wanted him around in the first place or what he was really good for when I was drowning caring for babies then toddlers. Dating is so different from the messy normal everyday family life. If I had gotten pregnant again my husband would likely have asked me to get an abortion and I will forever be grateful we haven’t been in that difficult place. We are happy with our two sons and our life together though I occasionally daydream about that cute and flirty (and dark and handsome) pharmacist “Sal” at my previous grocery store.
I am still sort of interested in the things that used to consume me — love, babies, career, a house — but only in the sense that I am looking forward to my kids’ experiences with them. I want to be a good IL (if any of my kids gets married), a helpful grandparent, a useful crew for moving/home improvements/etc.
I’m not looking for new adventures of my own in those departments, though. I want to hang out with my friends and read and maybe travel a little. The only new-from-scratch thing that interests me is a puppy (eventually).
And I am baffled by divorced friends who are out there dating and even remarrying. Good for them, glad it’s working out. I can sort of see how going on vacation with the new guy or hanging out after years of not having a romantic partner, but for me? NO THANK YOU.
Probably my only big life regret so far is not having a third baby. The longing has finally passed after nearly a decade, and I’m grateful it doesn’t consume my thoughts anymore the way it did for so many years. We had two babies two years apart and when my youngest was 1 1/2 my husband really wanted a third. I said no (for now) because I was just too overwhelmed with mothering and work and life to add another baby. I really think another pregnancy and baby at that time would have broken me. A year or two later, when things were finally starting to get easier with the kids I told my husband I was ready for number three and he said no. Why would we want another when things are finally getting easier?
For years I didn’t long for a new baby, but longed for the child that never was. At first it was thoughts of “I don’t want to go through an entire pregnancy and infancy but I wish I could just have a 6 month old right now” and then 6 months later was wishing for a 1 year old, then 2 year old, etc. If I could wave a magic wand and instantly have an 8 year old in our family right now would I do it? Probably. But maybe not because I am really enjoying having older kids and have even started to daydream about the fun my husband and I will have as empty nesters.
As for the desire for new love? No. None. If (God forbid *knock on wood*) I were widowed or divorced the idea of dating and looking for love holds no appeal. If love found me that would be wonderful and I wouldn’t turn it away but I can’t imagine actively searching for it. What sounds ideal to me in those circumstances would be finding a companion who enjoys the same things I do who I could travel and have fun with. However wanting the butterflies of first dates and first kisses and first…other things is just *shrug*. Oh man, this is making me feel like I must be an old crone!
I discussed this with my husband a couple months ago. My biggest regret is not having more children, and also, I don’t want to try as hard to have another one biologically. Hubs was kind of grumpy for a few days. I explained I just don’t have the inclination to nag about his chewing tobacco (when he stopped, we immediately got pregnant). Nor do I want to pee on a stick again or have sex in a just-get-it-done-because-I-want-your-sperm way EVER again. I also am still paying back my retirement account for the adoption fees for my almost 2-yo. I am kind of looking forward to being at an age where my fertility doesn’t seem to be a conversation topic open for general comments. I hated Christmas parties with, “better get trying for kids before well…you know.”
When my grandfather died my grandma was still young, only 50. People expected she would be interested in another relationship but she turned down every offer and said she was a one-man woman. When I was younger, I felt sad for her being “done” but now that I have more life experience I totally understand. Getting involved with somebody new seems like a big hassle and a big risk. You need to be young and starry-eyed and not know a million ways it can go wrong to date. I’ve heard too many stories and seen too many friends relationships implode to ever want to try again.
I really appreciate that you wrote about this and the conversation it started. I have infertility which makes things different – being done wasn’t a choice, it is what has happened. I got pregnant at 26 with my first, after 2.5 years of trying, lots of testing, and a few medications. When he was 9 months I got pregnant again with no intervention. After my second, we avoided pregnancy until he was 18 months, then decided we were open to another. That was 5 years ago and I’ve never gotten pregnant. It’s weird because I feel done yet at the same time open to “what if?” since we don’t prevent pregnancy. I’m 35 now and my youngest is 6, so it would be tough to start over! But anytime I’ve considered going back on fertility medications, I always decide not to pursue that.
I have recently read a few articles that marriage increases longevity for men, but the same isn’t necessarily true of women, who seem to do as well or better when they’re single. When trying to find the articles (a bunch of fairly dry ones turned up when I searched, but I couldn’t find the same interesting ones I’d read), I also stumbled across the interesting fact that when a man marries a younger woman it has a positive effect on his health and longevity, but when a woman marries a man whose age differs from her own significantly – whether older or younger – it actually has a negative effect on her health/longevity. So yeah, the research seems to support the idea that the sentiments a lot of us are expressing here are spot-on. Good instincts ladies!
With babies we had two kids, a boy and a girl, and had trouble getting pregnant again. I knew the rational thing to do was just be satisfied with the family I already had, but I felt a desperate urge to have #3 and thought about it constantly. After two years of trying with no luck I got my husband on board to try an IUI and he agreed to try it just one time. Thank goodness it worked on the first try! I wondered if I’d still feel a burning desire for a baby after #3. But no! As soon as she was born I felt strongly that our family was complete and I very happily encouraged my husband to get a vasectomy when she was a little less than a year old. All I can say is it was a gut feeling that someone who was supposed to be here was missing. As soon as she was here, my desire to bring another person into the world completely evaporated. I still enjoy being around other people’s babies but I feel very relieved to be past the baby stage. I have way more fun with my school-aged kids and have zero desire to start over.
As for romance, I didn’t marry my husband until we were almost 30 so I feel like I had my fill of dating. It caused a lot of anxiety for me anyway, and that was before dating apps. (Just thinking about dating in the time of Tinder makes me break in out in anxiety hives, haha!). I feel pretty certain that if I were ever widowed I’d just stay single. My great-grandma was widowed young-ish (mid-50s) and went on to live a busy, happy, single life for the next 40 years. I like to imagine I’d do the same. My sister-in-law is divorced and dating in her 40s and I’d never say this to her but I feel sympathy/frustration when she talks about her dating life. No vicarious envy at all! I just feel so relieved to be out of that game.
going anonymous for this comment. I had been fully embracing the “crone” sentiment as my marriage appears to be ending (we’re both good people, but the relationship has turned toxic). The idea of dating/getting to know someone sounded EXHAUSTING.
Then an ex — my first love after college — added me as a FB friend, and he apologized for being an indecisive ass, expressed regrets, etc. And I though, hmmmm, I could see reigniting this, because it’s not like starting over from scratch.
So we shall see!