I feel very fortunate that my job is so low-paying, and so unconnected from other things a person/family might need (health insurance, pension, long-term career possibilities), that it was possible to leave it for over a year and then come back to it, without suffering much in the way of ill effects. These are not things a person might normally feel grateful for (“Yay, low pay and no benefits!”), but a pandemic turns some things upside down. (It helped, too, that our college kids have both been living at home, so we have not been paying the increased living costs of college room/board; we saved more on that than we lost with my missing income.)
Today was my first day back to work and I was on one level very happy to be going back (I LIKE this job; I LIKE contributing income; I am also grateful for the physical and mental activity it forces me into), and on another level I felt jittery and unsettled. Almost all of my co-workers at the library have continued to do in-person work throughout the pandemic (with several closures/quarantines when a worker was diagnosed with Covid-19, making me glad of my decision), and so everyone is more than a year ahead of me in terms of changes and new ways of doing things. I imagined myself bumbling around doing everything wrong and making everyone gasp in horror as I failed to take certain precautions that are now automatic/normal for them.
Also, I worried some of them would resent that I was able to leave for a year and then come back—though, everyone knows my job is the lowest paid, and they know it’s the grunt work, so my hope was that they’d mostly be glad to see me because I’d be picking up everyone’s least-favorite tasks again. There were several happy sighs when I went out to collect the book drop this morning: no one likes doing that, and my impression is that when I’m not there it turns into one of those tasks where some people feel like they ALWAYS end up having to do it because other people disappear or pretend to forget or pretend to be busy, and anyway I think it brings considerable relief to have a person whose JOB it is to do it. But also, I had to use this Coping Thought: if any of them DO resent me, there is nothing I can do about that; those are feelings for THEM to process/handle. And also this Coping Thought: most people don’t think very much about other people, or hold on to fleeting feelings of resentment/”Must be nice!” for long. If I just come back and do well at a job that makes everyone’s lives easier, this won’t be an ongoing issue—and if it is, then we’re back to the part about how those feelings are not mine to deal with.
One of my primary fitness goals for the pandemic was to preserve my library-job-gained ability to go down on one knee and get back up again, again and again and again and again and again throughout a shift. I am happy to say I seem to have succeeded, or at least today was not physically difficult—though perhaps we should speak again tomorrow, when the soreness might kick in. Well, I kept MOST of the strength and balance, anyway!
But my back is bothering me, which it did before the pandemic, too. I am going to lean toward doing yoga videos that address back pain/strength and core strength and see if that’s helpful over time.
It was pleasant to be back at work. I liked seeing the books/shelves/materials again. It felt good to feel useful. It felt good/reassuring to remember how to do the job. It was nice to see co-workers again, and to overhear bits of their conversations as I worked nearby.
I did feel a little bumbling and slow. There have been some changes that are obvious and co-workers knew to tell me about; but other changes are more subtle, or were done a year ago so no one even remembers until I have to ask about it or until they see me doing something wrong and have to correct me. And there have been changes to the countertops, and to storage areas, so I was constantly trying to find the pencils, trying to find the bags, trying to find the paper recycling, etc. But that will get easier each day.
There are also things that are now buried more than a year deep in my brain’s filing system: for example, all the little tricks to try when I can’t find a book where it’s supposed to be. And I couldn’t make a beeline for every correct aisle anymore. And I found I was struggling a little bit, just to the point of amusement not to the point of concern, with the alphabet. This job is so good for the aging brain!
I did not like wearing a mask while doing an active job, but I’d anticipated that I wouldn’t (it seemed safe to assume that NO ONE would like that), so that wasn’t a surprise. A few times I had to slow down my pace to make the mask less of an issue: it was starting to suck in against my mouth because I was breathing harder, and that was making me feel a little claustrophobic and queasy. But slowing down helped my breathing slow down, and mostly resolved the problem. It was still unpleasant and humid, and I was happy to get out to my car and take it off. When I got home, I used a cooling/freshening facial mist, and that felt nice. And it WAS fun to CHOOSE a mask to wear.
(A side-note: When I take Edward for his Remicade treatments, we are there for several hours, and we are double-masked the whole time. During his treatments, his vital signs are taken every 30 minutes. One of those vital signs is blood oxygen. Even while he is breathing through two masks over several hours, his oxygen level is just as high as it ever was when he didn’t have to wear masks. So that is a reassuring thought, when I am feeling a little panicky in my mask: I may be uncomfortable, but I am still getting oxygen just fine.)
Patrons are being allowed in, but only in limited numbers at limited times. My supervisor says almost everyone is being good about wearing a mask, and that the few people who are being difficult about it are the same people who were difficult about things before the pandemic, too. That is some interesting food for thought.
Hooray! I am so happy for you, that you are back at a job you enjoy, and that the first day was workable, and that you have so many useful Coping Thoughts to address the less comfortable aspects! In some ways, it must be like starting a brand-new job… but of course since it’s not BRAND new, you’ll adjust so much faster than if it were.
How was it to be around People Not Your Family? (For an extended time, in the same space.)
It felt ODD, but Okay—but then when I got back home, I found I was jumpy about being nearly family! It felt odd to shift from “We all know to stay 6+ feet apart” back to “It’s fine to be normal/whatever distance around each other because we live together.”
I also work in a library and, as I write this, I am sitting at our reference desk for the first time in over a year! (We have all taken turns coming in to work from our offices this whole time because we are a special library and have been open for some of our patrons for a while now, but we are finally open to the public as of today!) Solidarity! It’s L-M-N-O, right?!
I think there are more structured masks, or mask frames, or something, to help with the mask sucking into your face bit.
Also (I say this because I THINK you wear glasses, but now I’m doubting myself?) I have these anti-fog drops that I put on my glasses and they don’t fog up in a mask (I tried wipes too but they didn’t work nearly as well)
First off, congrats! It must feel so weird and so great.
Secondly, I’m curious if during your re-hire process, did they ask you for your vax status?
They didn’t ask, but they didn’t need to: I’d told them I wouldn’t be returning until I was vaccinated, and then I let them know I’d been vaccinated and was available if they needed me.
I have been wearing a mask 8 hours a day for the entire school year, and after a few weeks of that “suffocating” feeling, I got used to it and didn’t notice it as much. At one point I got exposed to a COVID positive coworker, and had to quarantine for two weeks. After I returned, I felt aggravated at the mask again for the first week or two, and then went back to not noticing it any more. Now I sometimes get in my car and forget to take it off. So hopefully you can reach that threshold too.
Sounds like you had a good day, I’m really happy for you!
I know anxiety kicks in going back, it happens to me every time I work at the office, but then it feels so good been there.
Eeeeh. My work is having discussions about when people will be able to come back, and how many of them, and in what configuration. And whereas I think of a library as a place where most of the space is for books and patrons, so it seems as though the distance might be more easily maintained (maybe?), my office is designed for a maximum number of people in the available space, close up and interacting, which I don’t want to do. And I definitely don’t want to have to wear a mask to do it, never mind grownup clothing.
But the library has been a major source of fun during the Weird Times, so I am glad to hear about them functioning. And I am glad your knees are meeting expectations.
Congrats on going back.
You answered my question, whether patrons were allowed in the library, in your last paragraph. Ours is still operating on a curbside pickup model.
When my youngest went back to school for the first time a couple weeks ago I asked how it was to wear a mask all day and they basically just shrugged.
That last line…. :D
Reminds me of how servers noted that the people who appeared unconcerned with coming into restaurants during a pandemic also seemed to be their rudest, least-tipping customers. HOW INTERESTING.
I was having trouble with my mask sticking to my face at physical therapy and my neighbor gave me a little plastic cage like thing that goes under the mask. I thought it would bother me but it didn’t. She got it from Amazon.
Thank you for this update!
“if any of them DO resent me, there is nothing I can do about that; those are feelings for THEM to process/handle.” YES! It is their feelings to process AND it speaks volumes about the type of people they are if they can’t appreciate that your circumstances are different from theirs AND that you are back doing something they’d rather not do any way!
I’m so happy that you are back at the job that you enjoy and feel fairly comfortable about it. My office is making a decision about what we are going to do in June. Prior to this week, I felt fairly confident that they’d pretty much let us call the shots about what we felt comfortable with – and then they sprang a new CEO on us….so who knows. The thing is – the majority of the co-workers I’ve talked to would prefer to either keep things as is – or have more limited time in the office. So, we shall see.
I’m in a similar-adjacent position – my regular job is only one day a week, and I can’t go in when school is closed and there’s not a lot I can do from home, so I still get paid that tiny amount for doing nothing, but I don’t have the option to pick up extra office shifts, which have been plentiful of late. The mask thing is weird – I don’t find it has any rhyme or reason. Sometimes I put one on after a few days not wearing one and it’s totally fine, some days I put one on after wearing one frequently and it feels unbearable. I shelve a lot of books, but I have bumpy knees so I don’t kneel ever – it does increase back strain, and I have sinus issues so I often feel like my head is going to explode. I console myself with the fact that at least it’s still activity, even if it’s slow, awkward and ungainly.
I don’t know if it’s any comfort, but I’ve been back to working in person at my library since June, and when coworkers have returned to work in recent weeks, I just feel happy to see them and to catch up! I’ve never felt any resentment, just glad that everyone made the choices that made the most sense for their situations. I was also glad my library was flexible enough to let people return when they were ready.
The first few days of wearing a mask at work was weird/claustrophobic, but after that I barely noticed it.
Congratulations on going back! I was originally nervous at the idea of returning, but I think having a regular schedule that gets me out of the house has been really good for my psyche! I hope you find that to be true, too!
Oh, I’m glad you posted this! I was wondering how your first day went. When I briefly taught a few in-person classes last fall, I wore a mask and I found it easier as time went by. The first time, I found talking through it to be so difficult, and then it got to be like nothing. Choosing the mask is the best part of wearing a mask, I think.
This: “My supervisor says almost everyone is being good about wearing a mask, and that the few people who are being difficult about it are the same people who were difficult about things before the pandemic, too. That is some interesting food for thought.” I never 100% put that together before but OMG. YES.
I know you didn’t ask for mask recommendations so this comes under the possible assvice heading – ignore if you prefer.
Youngest has been playing soccer fully masked for months and since I got fully vax’d in February I’ve been doing zumba. The best mask both of us found for pretty intense athletic activity is the Underarmour sports mask. It has three layers, a nosewire thingy, and retains it’s shape so it’s not possible to suck it against your face even when breathing heavily. They’re not cheap but they’ve made physical activity in a mask doable. I also got some masks by Primal that have a filter and plastic insert type thingy that keeps the fabric away from my mouth. They aren’t as good as the Underarmour for working out, but they are good for light activity because they don’t suck against my face. Caveat: I don’t wear glasses so I can’t speak to how well they do with that issue.
I bought a pack of plastic/silicone mask brackets (I think that’s the term that should get you good search results). If your mask has a filter pocket, you can stuff the bracket in there, but if you’re breathing really heavily (I found this out while running) you still breathe in that panel of fabric. But, the bracket stays in place while you’re wearing the mask if you just put it between your face and the mask, so that’s what I do. It makes a HUGE difference. I tried all sorts of athletic masks and the bracket is the only thing that keeps me from feeling like my mask is trying to smother me as I gasp for air on a run.
I got a shaped N95 construction mask (https://www.ebay.com/itm/143680417172) when I needed to go to a doctor before I got vaccinated, and I both love and hate that thing – it doesn’t get sucked in no matter how heavily I breathe. But it’s a horrible material against the face and it leaves marks. *BUT* and this is a big but, when I went to an appointment, I didn’t know that the place was *saturated* in fragrance until I got to the car, took the mask off, and *then* suddenly could smell this air freshener gunk that had settled all over my skin and clothes while I was in the appointment. SO! If it can filter out perfumes/fragrance to that degree – to the degree that I start having the sinus allergic reaction to only the *remnants* of the fragrance and had no problems in the appointment (okay, my eyes were itchy, but I thought it was just them being weird), it is probably doing a really solidly good job at filtering, in addition to not getting in my mouth. But the pressed-fiber stuff where the edges of the mask (not the nose bridge – that has foam under the wire) is… icky. And also it might not fit other people as well as it fits me, and also the elastic is strong enough that the mask leaves marks on my face. So. A very tepid recommendation except wow, that thing works and stays out of my mouth and is, for my purposes, fully reusable albeit not washable (I’m not using it every day, so it can hang out until any virus anything dies, and I’m not in a context where it’ll get wet or “full” and I’m not coughing into it).
That said, the plastic frame is probably the way to go, because then you can have your Fun Masks and not deal with the yellow construction-grade elastic straps! And you are presumably not needing allergy protection. But it’s a nice bonus of a well-fitting mask.
Can we convince you to do a small Mother’s Day update?
I was hoping for the same. Even if Swistle is tired of posting about Mother’s Day every year, I never tire of the resulting stories in the comments section!