Apparently there is no way to avoid Valentine’s Day Angst every year, just as there is apparently no way to adequately aforehandle Mother’s Day. I thought Paul and I had finally settled into our solution: I no longer expect anything from him; I buy my own heart-shaped box of chocolates; and we go out to dinner (on a nearby day, to avoid the crowds) and get cocktails AND we split the fun overpriced dessert sampler. I bought heart-shaped plates (last year Target had red ones, this year they have pink ones) to put the kids’ dinner on, and I give each kid a giant Hershey Kiss. I have a cute heart mug to drink my coffee/tea out of. In recent years I’ve had a Galentine’s Day party with my local girlfriends. Some years I send valentines in the mail.
I’ve tried to make the Valentine’s Day holiday be about all kinds of love, and about the cheeriness of pink/red/hearts/candy in the middle of winter, and not about how disappointing heterosexual men can be, and what very low bars so many of them fail to cross. (I have NEVER had a relationship with a guy who could handle what I consider the absolute straightforward simplicity of Valentine’s Day. I am not a TRICKY woman with a series of SECRET PUZZLES that need to be solved or else the man FAILS. I like all The Usual Things. I like a heart-shaped box of chocolates, especially if it is extra pretty ((ribbon, flower)). I like flowers from the grocery store. I like doughnuts and pastries and other bakery things. I like wine, I like jewelry, and neither of them have to be expensive for me to like them. I like meals out or in. I am willing to say all these things I like, rather than making the poor man wrack his own brain to think of something himself, and I am perfectly happy to get the same thing every year, no creativity required; I am ALSO perfectly happy if the guy LIKES to come up with his own ideas! So why is all this apparently TOO TOO DIFFICULT?? GAH. Anyway, apparently it WAS too difficult, so I GAVE UP and released BOTH OF US from the entire annual issue so that we would NEVER HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT AGAIN.)
Anyway, yesterday, one week before Valentine’s Day, Paul heaved a huge sad sigh and said he just didn’t know what to DO about Valentine’s Day. I said I thought we’d already released ourselves this entire thing and no longer had to go through this each year; I reminded him that our plan this year was to get Valentine’s Day take-out and eat it in front of the children, who could make their own sandwiches. He sighed again and said that just didn’t seem like enough. Then he listed all the things that he sadly just could not get for me, either because of pandemic or because he put it off too long or because I already bought my own chocolate or because he didn’t think I’d like the earrings he’d pick out. So here is another thing I realized I needed to add to my Making Valentine’s Day Work For Me list: I am not comforting men about it anymore.
Ohhh, that irritates me so much. I hope you just sat there silent and stone-faced, waiting for him to Get It At All. Though probably he did not, and would not, no matter how long you sat there. Argh.
oh my god, yes. I have no angst around this, I don’t actually need it. However, Do it or don’t do it, but dear god, don’t make me listen to you COMPLAIN ABOUT IT.
YESSSSSS. Just don’t complain about it!
THIS
Exactly the same boat.
This sent me into fits of rage. You have made it AS EASY AS POSSIBLE. AND YET.
Deep, heavy sigh that will never end because my exasperation is boundless.
Oof. I used to LOVE valentine’s day but anniversary of my brother’s death hangs in the air now. Most years I try to fake it and overcompensate (easier this year with my nieces to spoil, harder this year that I can’t see my friends.) My tradition for J is a new AAA card in his valentine, we make some sort of special/putzy dinner because *I* don’t want to go out, and one other fun thing (pajama pants, fancy syrup, etc). I would love a box of chocolate but J is allergic and hates chocolate in the house. He also thinks cut flowers are stupid and refuses to buy them. (I got a bouquet for my 40th bday this year because he could not come up with anything else he thought was special) The first few years we were dating (and not living together) I got something – massage gift card, flowering plant, bottle of wine, etc. For past couple years I have gotten no acknowledgement of the day whatsoever (no surprise or guilt when I hand him a card/gift) and it is really weird. I wish he would do something to celebrate our love but I cannot imagine having to comfort him and his sighs about the day.
My ex-partner complained early on about cut flowers also. They just die, said he. And you just p*ss away all that beer we buy, said I. Subsequently, I received lots of flower arrangements over the years. Unfortunately, there were other issues, but I am able to acknowledge his decent traits. Water long under the bridge now.
.
Amazing.
Well I felt very angry reading this post and then I went and read the Galentine’s Day post and realized it was from 2020 and felt very wistful.
Major Liz Lemon Eye Roll at Paul in this conversation. You are an absolute saint.
This is the one year anniversary of my divorce, so I am celebrating the people who have been a part of my support system. I bought little pink gift bags and put milanos, candy, skinny pop, and a card in them. I am trying to become more of a gift giver/appreciater of others, so I am excited to have planned ahead.
I just need to be absolutely sure, because I am currently bouncing between He couldn’t and Oh of course he could: Paul is sighing over not being able to do the things he never did anyway?
If there is ever a Swistlecon, I am going. I’ll bring loads of chocolate and perfume samples. I support scheduling it so it doesn’t interfere with anyone’s RL Galentine’s Day, which I have never celebrated but might start observing this year.
I am totally up for coming to Swistlecon. I will make us cute t-shirts with something clever about luckiness/suckiness.
I endorse Swistlecon. That is all.
Me too!
Swistlecon is why we NEED a like button. I’ll bring the chocolate covered pretzels.
seconded! (except, I’ll bring something else, probably a baked thing, because I like to bake things).
Also, I hate Valentines day and all of that nonsense and blech but I still FEEL EVERYTHING about this post.
Someone who lives here, is an adult, and is not me, tries to buy jewelry and it does not have to be expensive but I don’t wear a lot of it, and holy egads some of the things I have received are genuinely awful. Like, I might have worn in 8th grade, in the 1990s, maybe. I just bought myself a whole bunch of hoop earrings from Claire’s because I just wanted tiny silver hoops for all the holes in my ears – I’m not high maintenance. I swear.
Really, the bar for hetero men is just the floor. I saw a thing on Twitter that said, “If sexuality was a choice, there would be about 7 straight women”. And yeah, 7 sounds high to me, but it would be a single digit number for sure!
I would fly over from Germany in a heartbeat for Swistlecon. I could bring, umm, German chocolates and snacks.
Only marginally related but that’s never stopped me before! The internet has been a curse for many reasons but it has been a blessing for some things including bringing me the language to discuss emotional labor and helping me realize that so many women (including myself) are drowning in it and so many men don’t notice/care. In the last couple of years it’s helped me to begin to extricate myself from a lot of emotional labor and not feel guilty about it. This is a good reminder that I’m not interested in comforting certain members of my family about failing to do things that they should know how to/know they should do. Perhaps I can’t make them do those things but I sure as heck don’t have to make them feel it’s ok that they didn’t do them to boot.
I love this.
Thanks.
Damn – I feel you. My mom always made Valentine’s Day special. We were a pretty Christian household growing up, and didn’t focus on candy and treats at Christmas or Easter, but this she could get into. I do it too – candy, sweet cards, and a special dessert. I made sure to buy special candy for myself since I know my husband can’t/won’t remember. I’ve been the designated in-store shopper for the duration, so I took care of it when I went to the drugstore yesterday.
#over it.
I love the way you lay it all bare. “I am not comforting men” is an actual mood for 2021 and beyond.
The first year we were married, things were rough. I was working three jobs, my husband was on the academic job market, and I literally forgot about Valentine’s Day until about eight o’clock that night. I internally freaked out, but then I got out some construction paper and markers and made my husband a silly homemade card. He came in the room where I was, saw what I was doing, and started making one for me. And that’s how we came up with our Valentine’s Day tradition of making homemade cards sitting next to one another. I provide the paper, markers, colored pencils, and the occasional sticker.
OK wow you can see the bar is low when this is NOT where I expected this to go. I love this very much.
I feel this so much, and also the comments here were SO comforting. It is a great thing right now to feel part of a community of like-minded women, and to dream of a future Swistlecon (which I would also totally attend).
All I can say is, someday we can enjoy each others company on “Widows Row!” Well, maybe I’ll be dead and gone before you get there but it will be liberating!
Oh, Swistlecon is something I am TOTALLY onboard with!
We are pretty low key about Valentine’s Day around here – I made a bigger deal out of it for our son when he was small. The most we usually do is exchange cards. He might bring home grocery store flowers but that’s about it.
I think the majority of us are low maintenance regarding Valentine’s – there are exceptions, of course – and God knows, we don’t want to hear about hear about any complaints about they “don’t know what to DO!”
Make sure you eat your chocolates in front of Paul!
A different Valentine’s Day complaint: what the holy quality control is wrong with the conversation hearts this year? I got some thinking they would be fun for my Kindergartener to try to read (ie why do they spell it I LUV U), but they are all so smudgy as to be unreadable.
My birthday is February 6, and more than once, my husband has tried to make my bday gift extend to Valentine’s Day. It’s depressing. And yes, the bar is so low here, and yet.
Just wanted to interject a sidebar comment..
100 days ago my water broke at 25 weeks pregnant and I was admitted to the hospital. My husband was home with covid. Ten days later my two babies (oh yeah I forgot to mention they were twins) were born by emergency csection and for the past 13 weeks we have been shuttling back and forth to the NICU (I also have children at home.)
So many amazing friends have reached out with help: babysitting, meals, cleaning etc etc but a few have only reached out to lament: “I feel so BAD i haven’t done anything for you! I just can’t IMAGINE what I could even do to help! Maybe we could MEET UP and you could help me figure out what I can do for you!“
Oh my. Never in my life have I had less available moments to comfort someone who is feeling bad about not helping enough.
I keep thinking: either DO SOMETHING or DON’T DO ANYTHING I don’t even care. But don’t ask me to help you with it right now.
I am so sorry, I hope you and your family are doing well now. People should learn to keep these thoughts to themselves.
There should be a way for people who need help to just send up a flare, which I realize has all sorts of security/logistical problems (*I* know you can trust me around your kids, *I* know my food is safe to eat, etc), but it would be nice if the people who love dropping off meals or reading to kids could perform their services for people who need it.
We could also show up on people’s doorsteps and describe their transgressions, then ask, “How did you decide to say that? How?”
Oh my. I am so so sorry. I have learned if all else fails in my “how can I help” mind track, I default to food. Food (almost) always works. A homemade meal, a Costco meal, banana bread, scones, a fruit tray. Just….something. When my dad was on his deathbed, a friend just dropped off pounds of sliced lunch meats, cheeses, breads, sliced fruit bowl and a dessert platter. No questions or fanfare. My family snacked on that for days when we couldn’t focus on anything other that comforting our dad and ourselves.
Oh wow, that sounds incredibly stressful. I feel for you so hard.
There are times when it’s difficult to know how to help someone, absolutely. There are times when THERE ARE SOME REALLY SIMPLE OPTIONS (simple, not easy, necessarily) AND ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS OFFER. Or show up with the thing!
“I want to come clean your bathroom, is Saturday or Sunday better?”
“I’ll drop off some food tomorrow, will you be home after 6, or can I leave it behind your statue on the front porch?”
“You’ve been stuck at home for a while, how about I do [thing that requires a person being at home] and you go out for a walk?”
“You’re looking really stressed about ringing that customer back, can I do it for you?” (sometimes, depending on the person, “I’ve already done that” is far better)
“I have free time on Saturday afternoon, would it be more useful if I deep cleaned your kitchen or took your dogs for a walk?”
“Here’s an emailed coupon for pizza that you can use whenever you like.”
I know you know all this already! I just wish you didn’t have to go through dealing with people who’re all performative about how much they CARE but they just DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
(I give a pass to younger people, and people who’ve never had a major crisis in their close family or friend circle, but still, sheesh.)
You could seriously give a workshop!! Ask your example comments were making me swoon!!
“Maybe we could meet up….” oh my god. Sorry you’ve had to deal with this. Best wishes to you and yours family.
Thank you ❤️It was very validating to hear all the Swistle readers commiserate with me.
Sometimes I wish Paul had his own blog we could cross-reference by date of post. Not because I don’t think you’re giving him a fair shake, but because I would sometimes love to know what is going on in his head during these situations.
That would be so interesting!
I really want to know what kind of chocolates you bought for yourself.
I‘d happily catch the same plane as Courtney, bringing German chocolate and Gummibears to Swistlecon!
What I would actually say is “don’t worry about it.”
But what I would WANT to say is: “Dude. You still have a week. Just do the things you’re thinking of. And if X, Y, or Z is unavailable on or before Feb 14 for whatever reasons, order it for whatever date it IS available and then put in a card that X, Y, or Z is coming on whatever date it’s coming. And I will enjoy knowing that it’s on its way in addition to its arrival.”
Also, it all honesty, “you already bought chocolate” is not an impediment to buying more. At least as far as I’m concerned….
I was thinking the same thing! I bought my husband’s gift Monday and if it doesn’t come on time he gets a card with a picture of it. Also more chocolate can be saved and eaten later. Just acknowledge your partner in some way on that day. I probably would have flown off the handle.
Had this happen once on my birthday – why oh why are you asking me to comfort you for the burden of my day of birth on your life?!
The bar is low here too. I bought chocolate/candy and small gifts for the kids, my husband and myself, and I’ve planned a fun meal that evening. Rather than being grateful my husband seems… nonplussed maybe? Like I am making an unseemly and unwanted fuss about a day that we don’t typically celebrate as a couple? But with the kids home and the whole province on a stay-at-home order there will be no valentines distributed between friends and in classrooms this year. And the anniversary of the day we met is the 15th so we’ve always gone out for dinner that day and can’t this year, so I wanted to do SOMETHING this weekend!
I’m annoyed enough that I’m going to make him pay me back for the gift for me.
I LOLed very loudly at the last line. And good on you!
I used to take the bull by the horns, and order Fannie May Candy from Chicago. Our anniversary is on the 18th-so we would chow down on delicious candy from Valentine’s Day on out. Sadly, I don’t think they are in business anymore! I’m 60-and they have been a staple of my holidays since I was young.
Somehow the Daytona 500 is on Valentine’s Day. I hate Nascar, my husband loves it-I’m thinking I will read a book and order dinner out.
I will say, I mentioned to my husband last night-I was almost out of gas and needed to hit the gas station before going to work. I got in my car this morning, he had snuck it out and filled my tank. That means so much to me, the everyday thoughtful things-and he does that very well.
Not just any race, but DAYTONA is on Valentine’s Day? What kind of piss poor planning is this??
During 2020 lockdown I didn’t put gas in my own car for 6 months, partly because I rarely went anywhere but partly because my husband did it on the rare occasion it needed it. Definitely cosign the value of this kind of thing!
Swistle, I think you should express your love for him in the ways that clearly work for him (and of course since he’s all manly he can’t do the same in return, of course!).
I.e. go to his desk and randomly steal something.
I actually guffawed
We all love Meg now, right?
Your post made me excited about flowers. Chocolates and flowers and an optional card (those prices!) .
Do you think we could do a schooling post and discussion one day? I’m really struggling. I already yelled “Bullshit you aren’t!” At my child before 9 am when she refused to log on. Annnnd I just heard her spill Legos everywhere. What I want for Valentine’s Day is to not have to deal with school, now that I think about it.
I will be super surprised if I get anything this year as we are currently moving house until the 15th. Likely what will happen is I’ll give my husband his small gift and he’ll run out to get me something, which is fine but I’d rather he think ahead!