I have been waiting for something FAIR to happen. I don’t believe in the popular versions of karma, or The Universe, or deities—the versions in which those entities lie in wait to zing someone who has been behaving badly. But that is the KIND of thing I have been waiting for. I have been waiting for MOVIE/TV/BOOK JUSTICE, where things look bleak but then it turns out the very bleakness is what whips around to destroy the forces of badness.
If this were an episode of The West Wing, and the Republicans had tried to push through a Supreme Court Justice less than a month before an election, after THEMSELVES saying ONLY ONE PRESIDENCY AGO that NINE months before an election was too close; and if they had tried to do this while NOT dealing with legislation to approve relief for their constituents during a pandemic; and if they had themselves not worn masks and had gathered in person during all of this, spreading infection among themselves while trying to do their unfair, unjust, corrupt thing; then what would have happened in that episode is that too many of them would have become ill with the virus to be able to approve the Supreme Court Justice in time. That’s what would have happened. Things would have looked SO bleak, so BLATANTLY unfair and unjust—but then: NATURAL CONSEQUENCES would have stepped in! You can’t break ALL the rules and expect to WIN, you bad, bad politicians! SATISFYING SMITE!!
Part of my problem is TV/movies/books, which lead us to expect these plotlines. But certainly another part of my problem is that I was raised Christian. The type of Christianity I grew up in believes that although God won’t intervene if, say, children are being raped and beaten, even if those children pray to God for help, because that would mean breaking God’s own voluntarily-established-and-voluntarily-held rule about free will for the person doing the raping and beating, he WILL allow Natural Consequences to punish people—and the universe is set up so that Natural Consequences DO punish people. In fact, that is why he in his wisdom has made the rules he has made: not because he’s a meanie who won’t let us do what we want, but to PROTECT us. Because the things he has told us not to do are all things that will hurt us, and he lovingly and mercifully wants to spare us the consequences of those things. And so here is what I expect: when people break rules and do terrible and unjust things, the Natural Consequences should show them why those rules are there, and the people should suffer the way God tried to protect them from suffering.
But here is what I realized this morning. Right now, the terrible things that are happening are things that many, many Christians believe are instead showing us all that God has a hand in everything. They think that the appointing of Amy Coney Barrett to the Supreme Court shows that God did indeed want our current corrupt president elected: that God can use EVEN AN ACTIVELY EVIL PERSON to do his ultimate will, which is to bring about their version of conservative evangelical Christianity everywhere. For everyone’s good.
The fact that I can see from their point of view how things appear to be working out for the absolute most righteous BEST right now means that I have to deal with the idea that what I grew up thinking of as the natural order of things is in fact a system that supports what I now consider Active, Deliberate Evil.
Originally I continued that paragraph, but now I want to leave it on its own for a minute to make sure you pause to see what I’m saying. When you grow up fervently believing in a set of religious beliefs, you grow up with that religion braided into the entire structure of the world: there isn’t a single aspect of anything that isn’t infused with the beliefs and world view of that religion. Extricating that religion from my brain and thoughts and world view has been hard and traumatic, and this is yet another aftershock of it decades later: realizing that what I used to be able to lean into as a system of justice and righteousness is instead a system that in fact works IN FAVOR OF a corrupt United States president, a corrupt segment of Congress, and the establishment of an unjust justice system. When they are unjust, when they are unfair, when they work against the equality of human beings—then THEY get the “fair thing,” the TV/movie/book triumph thing, happening in THEIR favor. They work so hard, they give up so much, they compromise so much of themselves and so many of their principles to bring about something corrupt—and THEY get what THEY want. THIS is the system that, if there were a God, he is supporting with his system of natural consequences.
I had already, back in childhood, worked on understanding that God was not going to intervene to prevent evil things from happening; then in early adulthood I worked on extricating the braided-into-my-psyche idea that God’s Natural Consequences were going to punish people for doing evil, and that there was an afterlife that was going to take care of any justice we didn’t see happening on Earth; now I have to work on the idea that what I USED to see as God’s Natural Consequences For Good are actually things that support and bring about evil—and so what I USED to pray for and celebrate were things that were evil and wrong. This is the fresh, nauseating realization I am dealing with this morning, one week before the U.S. presidential election.
This may be one of the best and most insightful blog posts you have ever written and holy shit was it depressing.
I appreciate you putting this into words that I can now use to talk to others. I’m finding this time hard and scary and like there is no happy ending at the end. But I have to keep going anyway. The only way out is through.
Religious trauma is a very real thing. Unfortunately, I totally understand this post.
I also understand all too well.
I was listening to this podcast, “Hidden Brain,” on the weekend — I was running errands so didn’t catch the whole thing but I’m definitely going to go back and listen to it. The episode is called “Moral Combat” and here’s the description:
Most of us have a clear sense of right and wrong. But what happens when we view politics through a moral lens? This week, we talk with psychologist Linda Skitka about how moral certainty can produce moral blinders — and endanger democracy.
I listen to this podcast regularly too. One of my all-time favourites was one that talked about the brain differences in people who are typically more liberal, and people who are typically more conservative. I think it first aired as Left Brain, Right Brain, but now that I’m hunting for it , it may have been replayed under a new name: More Divided Than Ever? Excavating the Roots Of Our Political Landscape
It’s a hard, hard thing. And I’m so sorry that you’re being re-traumatized by the religious upbringing you came from. I was raised by progressive, mainstream Christians, but even with that, it is hard to see people pushing through evil claiming the very banner of faith that I believe to be mine. How can we be claiming the same faith when they are using it to oppress people, when my church is using the faith to shelter the homeless and feed the hungry and befriend the immigrant? It is so disorientating.
It reminds me of Lord of the Rings. Frodo and Sam were Hobbits, but so was Gollum, who was perverted past recognition of his own kind. Somewhere along the line, there was a power-grab made by the evangelical church that twisted it into what it is today. I’m sure it’s be analyzed by thinkers and scholars far smarter than me. But I don’t know how much comfort to be found in knowing that as we sit in the shadow of this abuse of power.
But I remember Martin Luther King, Jr.’s words about the long moral arc of the universe and his faith that it bends towards justice. And I think that if he could have that kind of faith during the times he lived in, I can keep that faith a little longer now. Maybe that’s the gift that a faith practice can give—a practice of hope.
I think that we’re all going to need to be gentle with our selves over the next few days. It’s a hard, raw time.
Well said. Swistle’s post and now these comments are helping me make sense of this dark time. Thanks for your very smart words!
Thank you for this. As someone who grew up in a conservative Christian household who has moved to progressive Christian beliefs rooted in social justice, I struggle with how much evil is being enacted and called faith.
It bends toward justice if we bend it that way.
I stumbled across this quote from Tolkein (from his letters to his son) right around the time RBG died, and I now read it whenever I’m feeling despairing:
“All we do know, and that to a large extent by direct experience, is that evil labours with vast power and perpetual success — in vain; preparing always only the soil for unexpected good to sprout in.”
I like it because “perpetual success” seems to describe exactly the evil we’re experiencing now (and really, the evil we have experienced throughout human history).
Yes! I’m UCC, and I find myself flabbergasted that we Christians supposedly all follow the same middle eastern radical champion of the under dog.
For the record, not all Christians think that the most recently confirmed supreme court justice is working in favor of God’s kingdom. Some of us believe that being a Christian means just about the opposite of what she seems to stand for: providing for all humans basic needs, showing kindness and compassion, righting previous wrongs instead of perpetuating them…
And I would absolutely LOVE for those Christians to do A LOT MORE TALKING publicly (especially if ANY of those Christians are in politics), as so much evil is being done by others in the name of their religion. I hear the barest whispers, while the NO GAYS NO ILLEGALS NO MUSLIMS Christians are filling the world’s ears with shouting. There is no need to put #NotAllChristians on the record: we ALL know that already. What is needed is to HEAR FROM those Christians in contexts other than defending themselves.
I’m not in politics. I am very, very far out of politics. But I didn’t actually know that there *was* an Evangelical Voting Block until I was in my mid-twenties and at a *theology conference* and people were responding to a speaker (who has since become a Horrible Trump Supporter) who was plying them with buzzwords, and I was just like, “what alien universe have I landed in” as those around me were just responding to button-pushing without any logical content. (the one that totally absolutely got me was him saying “stem cell cloning” and people going “ooooh” in a disapproving way, and I’m like “but… but… most stem cell cloning research is done with adult stem cells, and I can understand being opposed to human embryonic stem cell research, but… that’s two different things and why are you not differentiating between them???” and… yeah.
But: that may tell you something about the bulk of the Christians I interacted with while growing up in Seattle. Most of them had a brain and a heart and used both extensively, and not in defiance of their beliefs but in accordance with them. I was taught to think, I was taught to care, and I was taught to believe, and these things were not in opposition to each other.
(but also, like, the Bible? Galatians 5:22-23? I really truly do not understand those who support Trump as “a Christian candidate”)
I’d also point you to Beth Moore’s twitter feed as someone who is helping people focus on non-Trump-istic Christianity. It’s not as “bucket checklist”-y as I’m sure many people would like it to be. But if you consider, say, the goal of slowing/stopping climate change, then 1. convincing people that this is actually important and is something to work on, and 2. convincing people to shift a few steps over towards, say, recycling and idling their engines less, and then maybe take some more steps, then that’s doing something, and is maybe doing more to help *those* people move than someone whose continual screed is “no one should even own a car! And everyone should be using “family cloth” instead of toilet paper! And you shouldn’t ever eat meat because of the emissions and the wasted energy! And if you buy anything that isn’t local or that comes in non-reusable packaging, your whole Fake Environmentalist Life is a waste!” or something like that.
I guess: she is pointing, over and over again, at Real Christianity (I disagree with her on some side issues; I do not disagree with her on Jesus, redemption, and the general core of things) and she is saying, over and over again, that Real Christianity should not be co-opted by politics and should not be compromising on truth, justice, humility, and good fruit.
(note: in general I do not suggest reading the comments, because it definitely looks like she’s outnumbered by Trumpists and it is depressing. But she exists, anyway, and is out there and saying important things. While also championing nachos. Which I can’t eat, but she’s right about them being really good, anyway.)
One I like is the Reverend Dr. William J. Barber II. A powerful voice and powerful organizer.
He’s on Twitter @ RevDrBarber .
Do you listen to the podcast, “pantsuit politics?” I think the two ladies who run it expires this viewpoint very well, and they have a HUGE following.
Weirdly, at least for me, this piece is counterintuitive. My faith suggests that I should live it out quietly by loving other people and doing good to the marginalized, not by screaming about it in the public square and thrusting it on others. So the very thing you are saying, rightly, would be helpful to counteract the evangelical definition of Christianity is something my faith strongly suggests not to do. It’s the old choice between the power of love and the power of empire.
I believe the kind of loudness I’m suggesting falls into the category of Biblically-recommended Loudness: speaking up against evil, speaking up against false prophets and evil rulers, speaking up against people doing bad things in Jesus’s name, speaking up for the poor/elderly/refugee—as opposed to the disapproved-of loudness of making a public display of one’s faith, praying attention-seekingly in public, making a big deal of one’s donations, trying to force one’s beliefs aggressively on others, etc.
But more than that, I’m talking about what already-prominent Christians and Christian GROUPS should be doing: the ones who are ALREADY living publicly and/or loudly (churches/denominations themselves; various leaders in those churches/denominations; politicians and celebrities and other public figures known to be Christians; politicians and celebrities and other public figures who are NOT known to be Christians) should be using their already-established platforms to make it clear they are not part of what is currently being done by Christians, and that they reject those actions/results as representing Christianity.
Right now the loud narrative is that all these wrongs are being done in the pursuit of making us A CHRISTIAN NATION—and there is almost no audible Christian resistance to this interpretation/implementation of Christianity.
I feel as though this is where “Proclaim the Gospel at all times. If necessary, use words” comes in.
It has become necessary.
I typed out a whole dissertation here and erased it all to say one thing: I believe that God’s promises are eternal, not earthly. And I think that’s the trap so many evangelicals fall into: they believe God is a heavenly Santa Claus who will grant what they want here on earth, and furthermore far too many think God is an American, that our country is somehow more #blessed than any other and God will bring about his kingdom right here in this country.
God gives us hope, and peace, and the strength to get through this life, if we will ask for it. I don’t understand everything–not even most things–about God, but that I know for sure, and what we are called to do in return is to follow him and treat people as Jesus did. And THAT is what far too many in our current government are missing, and what far too many of their evangelical followers are forgetting–the part about how to treat others.
I don’t know what the natural consequence of forgetting that will be, but I don’t want to find out. #vote
I think you are exactly right.
Love this! Well said.
I commented below but then read through the other comments and you so perfectly describe my feelings on this. Just wanted to chime in with a thumbs up.
This all leaves me sick and suffering too.
I relate to this so much. I attend a very small church (more because of family history than actual fondness for the church itself which… ehhh. I know.) and am absolutely certain that I am the lone Democrat. I won’t elaborate on the mental gymnastics they constantly use to convince themselves they’re on the God approved side, and how my brain automatically shuts off at the first whiff of political talk from them.
I WILL say that I have not yet given up hope that true good will ultimately prevail. Things are horribly, terrifyingly bad, and getting worse each day. But that doesn’t have to mean we’re at the end just yet. Just because those people think they’re God’s favorite so to speak, that doesn’t mean they actually are. So many basic Biblical truths are working against them — pride goeth before a fall, good will always prevail over evil, your sins will find you out, etc. It doesn’t matter what THEY think. It matters what God thinks.
Obviously this doesn’t hold much water if you don’t subscribe to Christian beliefs anymore, but for me personally, I’m holding out on that big satisfying smack down a little longer.
Thank you for this post.
This was a heartbreaking read. I’m just so sorry for the sadness you’re feeling. As a Canadian I can look in from the outside and it’s just so terrible how divided your country has become, and how so many in the US now speak in absolutes – as if they, and only they, know what is right and just. I think your thoughts here are so true, and so very sad, and I hope you find your way through to a hopeful place again sometime soon.
Oh Swistle. I have never been particularly religious, but I can see how difficult/awful/sickening/painful it would be to have this new perspective on something that was once such a big part of the fabric of your life.
Thank you, Swistle, for writing so beautifully and openly. I’m an ex-evangelical and can relate to every single thing you wrote. When Trump was elected, my husband and I decided we couldn’t raise our kids in the Evangelical church. This wasn’t easy for our extended family (all Evangelical) to understand. We’re privately agnostic, attend a mainline church now, but do not have any family spiritual practices. It’s easier not to explain it all to our parents. If we didn’t live in the same area as my parents, I bet we wouldn’t attend church at all. We realize our attendance as adults is really about pleasing our parents, which is ok. Our parents absolutely meant well, but growing up Evangelical was traumatic and we won’t put our kids through it. Even with my super fun, then apolitical and now Democrat, and unconditionally loving parents, the church messages were over powering and damaging.
It feels good to write this anonymously :)
Also, we attempted to watch West Wing a few years ago but I found it so incredibly depressing when comparing it to current politics, that I had to stop watching.
I firmly believe in separation of Church and State and believe that freedom of religion also means freedom from religion. Unfortunately, for the past twenty five years or so, the lean towards making America a “Christian Nation” is becoming more and more blatant. I can only hope that at some point we will start pushing back against this conservative tide. The pandering to the religious right has to stop.
It started in the 1950s. “One nation under God” was added to the pledge in 1954 and “in God we trust was added to currency” in 1956. Handy facts to have memorized when someone points to them to prove we are “a Christian nation.”
I’ve realized that the karmic comeuppance is the main reason why I enjoy Ken Follett’s Kingsbridge series of historical novels. Many horrible things happen to the main characters in those books, but without giving too much away, by the time you get to the end of the 900 pages, the arc of the universe has bent towards justice, holistically speaking.
I just read _The Evening and the Morning _ and it was nice to live with the problems of Anglo-Saxon Britain in my head for a while instead of our current day’s.
As my governor says, “We will get through this, and we will will get through this together.”
You must be in Kentucky!
I am indeed! Not a KY native, but have lived here for 15 years now.
I’ve been here 6 years almost and like it well enough. Miss my home state of Vermont though.
Thank you, Swistle, thank you.
(Oh! and I learned this year about American Civil Religion, as opposed to Christianity except that a lot of people are calling it Christianity, and it made *so much sense* because freedom of religion and freedom of speech are actually just… not in the Bible? So there is that as well: some of these people have slapped a label of Christianity onto something else, and it all makes more sense now. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/American_civil_religion [except I… haven’t seen much… of point #14 recently, and have seen a lot more about how Vital freedom of religion and freedom of speech are] It also explains some of Pence’s Bible/American-Flag mashup, potentially?)
(note: I am not saying this is not horrible, horrific, or traumatizing. But my brain, at least, does a little bit better with horrible things when it has some sort of way of understanding them: okay, this is a weird syncretism of American Civil Religion and Personal Comfort merged to some degree into some bits of Christianity while losing the core of Christianity [Jesus; repentance; faith, hope, and love].)
(and also! Some people I know who have previously been single-issue voters have decided to Not Vote For Either this year, which is… a step, anyway? A recognition that if it’s not acceptable to vote for a pro-choice candidate from their moral framework, that their moral framework *also* totally precludes voting for Trump? So there is that, if that is hopeful/helpful that maybe some people are examining and adjusting rather than just doubling down.)
So good, thank you.
At this point, I really do not even know what my strategy is for Election Day and the following days. I’ve already voted, so do I just…stay off social media, read a book, watch a movie, try to not take in any information so I don’t go LITERALLY INSANE?? At some point, I will have to learn the result. The thought of following the news makes me sick with despair. The whole thing is torture, and I just…I really don’t know what to do. I am having a very bad day.
Strategy for Election Day:
Do you have a sympathetic person who can be your designated link to the outside world? I’m planning to ask my husband to keep an eye on the news for me that day. I’m going to give him some examples of news that would help me relax, and things I really don’t want to know. Then my plan is to turn off social media and stay away from the news, secure in the knowledge that if anything good or urgent is happening he’ll give me a heads up. Maybe having a plan like that in place would help?
Big hug. It’s so hard, not being able to go for a walk with friends or whatever would normally help with this kind of stress.
I’m still damaged by the false fundamentalist teaching I received as a child. And I now regret the bad Evangelical teaching I unintentionally inflicted on my own children, as I trusted Evangelical teachers and writers without searching carefully through the whole of the Bible myself, and without asking God to reveal his mind to me.
I’ve never been more focused on knowing God and learning to walk with him than I am at now. However, I am more frustrated than ever with mainline Evangelical teaching. White Evangelicals, almost to a person, have put their trust in Donald Trump. They claim their own political commentators have THE Truth, against what they call the lies of all other news sites. They teach that the United States is a Christian-Only nation (as intended by our forefathers, they claim) and we must fight for Christian dominance and rights, and we must rise up and fight against the rights of all other religious groups, particularly the Muslims. And against immigrants. And against homosexuals.
White Evangelicals are quick to say they aren’t racist at all. They say, “It’s not Blacks individually, it’s their agenda” and “Now it’s the WHITES who are being prejudiced against” I could go on.
Because of this false and unbiblical faith — which is trumpeted far and wide as Christianity — I believe many, many people are being driven away from God as if with sticks.
If only Evangelical teachers would focus on teaching about God: Who is is, what he’s like, how accessible he is, how he invites us to come close to him and know him better.
Much love to you. I grew up evangelical too and the phrase “to PROTECT us” triggered the hell out of me. This all is indeed another layer of deconstructing and mindf*ckery. I went through many layers several years back but this year is next level. You have done all this deconstructing and wading through trauma while adulting and raising children (I don’t have any and am increasingly exhausted by the ever further realizations of the racism, hatred, dysfunction and hypocrisy; I cut off several toxic family members once and for all ) so even though it is bleak and distressing, kudos to you for that.
Fingers crossed for good election results as a starter for hopeful rebuilding (oh please, oh please).
So, to my fellow progressive Christians posting in the comments, I think what would be helpful is for us to amplify the strong voices of protest in our community. I’m thinking particularly those who come from evangelical backgrounds and who can talk that talk but have grown in to a progressive theology. I know Jen Hatmaker has been very vocal. Deidra Riggs comes to mind. Lisa Harper. Bob Goff. Who else? Who should I be following and amplifying?
Also, my husband posted a meme this week I love. It’s a stereotypical picture of Jesus and underneath it says “If you think the Pope is too radical, just wait until you meet Jesus.”
The people who come to mind for me are Sarah Bessey, Eugene Cho, John Pavlovitz. The writing of Rachel Held Evans. Peter Enns (I think he would count as progressive, and he is definitely coming out of an evangelical background, but I don’t think he talks much about politics).
The former editor of Christianity Today (I can’t remember his name) isn’t progressive, but he’s been vocally anti Trump on account of his character. Also Jerusha Duford (Billy Graham’s granddaughter) is somewhere in this camp. Even John Piper, who is the farthest thing from progressive (I disagree with him about almost everything), wrote this week about how he won’t vote for Trump.
I return to these people a lot when I’m feeling discouraged by the current American mix of politics and religion.
That is a good list. Also: Shane Claiborne, Shauna Niequest, Michael Wear, Mike McHargue, and Jonathan Merritt.
And to centre more voices from African American Christians, check out almost any guest that Jen Hatmaker has had on her podcast recently.
So many (rightfully) disillusioned people who are hurting badly right now (and as Swistle pointed out so well, untangling the knots of toxic religion is a loooong work). Courage and love…xo
FWIW, I am a Christian but am horrified but what all is going on, and am just so saddened by what is happening supposedly in the name of my beliefs. (I’m reality, I think it’s peoples’ selfish desires and fear but they don’t want to say that, so they hide behind saying it is their beliefs.). I know you know this, but we aren’t all a monolith and there are MANY of us who are as downtrodden as the rest about this (and possibly more so in the sense that it is so upsetting to have this happen with people who you thought held shared values.)
I DO think that many of these terrible people will suffer bad consequences, but obviously not all.
Some will just leave destruction in their wake and not suffer for it. BUT…I do really believe that the arc of history bends towards justice and that history will judge these individuals for what they are. No one looks back at George Wallace fondly for example.
One thing I try to remind myself when I am just so dismayed by it all is maybe this is what it felt like to be aligned on the right side of history in the 60s when people were protesting things like desegregation. It probably felt pretty lonely for a lot of people, but right did finally triumph and the people who were outcasts/ “troublemakers” then are now looked at as heroes.
Hugs, Swistle, and hugs for everyone dealing with spiritual trauma. This is kind of OT but the concept of natural consequences reminds me of this lyric from Rage Against the Machine: “How long? Not Long. ‘Cause what you reap, is what you sow.” I am considering chalking this on my driveway this weekend. For context, over the last month I have kept a running tally of the number of US COVID 19 deaths on my driveway. But yesterday it started to rain. If theRump wins I might have to go for a different Rage Against the Machine Lyric: “F*ck you, I won’t do what you tell me.”