I had a very bad spirally sort of mood that started Friday afternoon when one of my feet started to hurt and swell. I was going to try to make this short, but that is evidently impossible, so I will at least bracket-summarize what can be bracket-summarized.
The gist is that all Friday evening and all Saturday, including a long session in the wee hours of Saturday morning when I should have been sleeping, I was thinking along these lines: “I can’t even take my morning walk, and that has been the ONE THING that I feel has been holding me together physically and emotionally, and I’d FINALLY gotten to the point where I didn’t have to practically force myself to do it. And in fact, maybe it was my morning walk that hurt my foot: maybe I am being thwarted by the very things I am doing to make myself better. And I can’t do my daily housecleaning chore today, either, and without those daily chores, the house falls apart, and even without this injury I can’t keep doing it, I just can’t, I can’t keep this house clean, we never should have moved to this house. [Short mournful thinking session about The Old House, fairly quickly squelched by (1) not liking to think about the old house and (2) the unavoidable benefits of this new larger house in a pandemic.] And no one else is doing their share of housework, except Elizabeth, the only other girl, and that is a sad, sad, sorry state of affairs. And why do I have to INCESSANTLY NAG for anyone (except Elizabeth) to do what they OUGHT to be doing completely on their own even if no one ever nagged them, just because it is Obviously The Right Thing that everyone who lives in a place should be helping to clean that place? Why are they ALL (except Elizabeth) turning out just like Paul on this issue? It is clear I am not an effective parent. And now they will all (except Elizabeth) go on to make their spouses/housemates miserable! whereas Elizabeth’s spouse/housemate(s) will make HER miserable.
“Maybe I should go to the doctor about my foot: the online stuff said that if it’s just one foot, and there was no known injury to the foot, that’s a reason to see a doctor. But there’s a pandemic. And I canceled my annual physical with the doctor because of the pandemic, and in the past her office has been salty about scheduling sick visits if you’re not up to date with your well visits, so [long imagined argument with receptionist] [reliving of another argument with a doctor’s receptionist over ten years ago, with rehearsals of how it could have gone instead]. I could go to Urgent Care. But some of the online sources said that one reason a foot might suddenly swell was “alcohol abuse.” So they will almost certainly ask me about alcohol, and I don’t want to tell them, because when my mom told her doctor she had one measured 5-ounce glass of wine daily with dinner, he wrote “Excessive Drinker of Alcohol” in her file, and that caused so many problems. [Imagined conversations with doctor in which I try out every way of declining to answer / lying / explaining what happened to my mom / etc.] [Long upset thinking session about how my doctor, when I told her I did drink alcohol, lectured me for far longer than she has ever addressed any of my medical issues, about how I should not drink, including telling me that if I drank alcohol, it would teach my children that drinking alcohol was okay. I DO THINK DRINKING ALCOHOL IS OKAY. THAT IS WHY I DRINK IT.] [Long upset thinking session about how doctors accuse patients of lying about alcohol use, but MAYBE YOU HAVE GIVEN US ABUNDANT GOOD REASON FOR THAT, DOCTORS.] And I have already given up coffee because my reflux apparently can’t handle it right now, and I have mostly given up sugar and bread and pasta and potatoes; if I have to ALSO give up alcohol, IN AN ELECTION YEAR, then I give up. I give up!
“Besides, my foot is just kind of swollen. It’s not a weird color, there are no weird streaky lines, it’s not hot and red, I’m not feverish, it doesn’t feel as if anything is broken—this is not a Doctor Situation yet. I would feel silly. And it’s a pandemic. But what if I wait, and it turns out I should have gone in RIGHT AWAY. Maybe this is happening because of a blood clot, and I will die in the night! [Brief thought of how nice it would be to bail on All This, quickly overwhelmed by thoughts of things I DON’T want to miss. Plus, I have to vote first.] Maybe it is the beginnings of a terrible infection, and If I Had Just Seen a Doctor Sooner, I Wouldn’t Have Lost the Foot. [Long upset thinking session about how badly I have plummeted into despair over This One Small Probably-Temporary Physical Thing, when people deal with MUCH MORE SERIOUS AND/OR LENGTHY things; and how I hope I would not be such a terrible baby if something long-term/permanent happened to me, as it so easily could, and how I hope I would RALLY rather than SINKING INTO DESPAIR FOREVER.] [Long upset thinking session about how many things would fall apart without me, since apparently no one in my family (except Elizabeth) can do a single damn thing without being nagged.] [Long agitated mental rehearsal of the things I would need to do/prepare if I knew I were dying.] [Long upset thinking session about how much I HATE to be helped and/or waited on when I am sick or injured, and how I may very well end up having to have it happen anyway—if not now, then when I am older. If I survive This Foot.] [Long resentful thinking session about how PAUL, on the other hand, LOVES to be waited on, and if HE were disabled permanently or long-term, he would REVEL in requiring my continual service, and that he and his ilk are THE VERY REASON for that part of the marriage vows, and that I should not have married him-in-particular under those terms.]”
Anyway, this morning my foot was noticeably less swollen, and almost normal to walk on; progress like that makes me think I won’t need to see a doctor. I have returned, relieved, to my relatively cheery baseline levels of This Current Administration despair.
Telemedicine! It is perfect for these things. True, they may not actually look at your foot, but then again, maybe they CAN, but they will ask all the pertinent important questions and you can probably be reassured.
I had a telemedicine visit a couple of weeks ago and, even though I did have to go in and submit a sample (pee in a cup), it was way less stressful than an actual full visit to the clinic, and insurance now reimburses telemedicine visits (at least mine does).
My mind goes to all those places. I have had anxiety about my health as long as I can remember. I’m now at the age when I wish someone would say, “Oh that? Totally normal at your age. Sorry, don’t worry.”
And the drinking thing! I would hope that my doctor would say, “One glass of wine a day? Good for you. You need to reduce your anxiety.”
Susan, your reply was excellent! Made complete sense!
Also Elizabeth sounds awesome!
As excellent as Ms. Elizabeth is, I wonder how the other residents view her actions ?
You are awesome. I am glad that your foot seems better.
At about the same time, I developed a TERRIBLE headache. I don’t get migraines, but light was yucky and drugs were meh. Later in the day it was revealed that It was likely related to the current goings on of my uterus. Plus I had been painting a desk, plus it’s fall and things are dying and the air is going dry cool/wet cool/wet warm that always makes fungus happy, plus I had opened some silicone lids I ordered from China that REEKED (but were fine after washing), also Breonna Taylor and all that awfulness, also fascism, also RBG. So a bunch of environmental factors, stress, plus my already wobbly uterine situation likely caused this headache.
This did not stop me from every single rumination you shared, except about my head and not a foot. At one point I was dozing and a pain shot across my forehead and I was like, aneurysm – plus: fascism goes away; minus: my children will have to navigate it without me IN A RIDICULOUSLY DIRTY HOUSE (bc no one but me seems to clean).
Headache was peripheral yesterday and mostly fine right now. But egads. Then I was also mad at corona virus because, can’t I just have a headache without death spiral AND side helping of “maybe I have it with weird symptoms.”
Sigh.
I agree with Susan—telemedicine. Also, you get to avoid the weigh-in, which I always dread. And, for what it’s worth, when I scheduled the kids’ well-child appointments (we had do because they need a few vaccines), they told me that they have arranged The Clinics so that anyone with any signs of illness goes to One Clinic and every other appointment goes to The Other Clinic. It obviously doesn’t eliminate all COVID risk, but it keeps you from feeling like you are entering a situation riskier than, say, going to the grocery store.
We know so much more about how COVID is spread now, compared to March. I think that a telemedicine appointment is a great place to start and then you’ll know if going to the clinic is necessary.
There is so much free-floating anxiety in our country right now. It might be a relief to face the worries in your orbit that you can do something about head on. (I mean the foot, not the lazy males in your family. I despair of that one myself.)
Regarding the dreaded weigh-in. I agree with you. It is stressful. A few times, I’ve declined to be weighed. It really surprises the nurse and sometimes they push back, but I just politely decline to get on the scale. I weigh myself at home and can tell the doctor the number if it is important.
Sorry to hear about the foot, my mum and I on separate occasions had random foot pain and it went away on its own after a few days but there was no swelling. I think that itself might require a check.
Oh man, my boys are only 4 and 7 and already tidying up their toys is such an ordeal every day. And that’s all they do, I’m not asking for other chores yet!
On Thursday my son hurt his nose at school (someone accidentally fell towards him and his face hit a log). I ended up having to take him to urgent care. My husband was away for the day on business with the car so I had to take him, along with my youngest, on transit which was scary. Plus we had to do a lot of walking as we were shuffled around a lot. Thankfully, no one place was particularly busy and it turned out nothing was fractured/broken. In other words, it was a huge hassle but it could have been WAY worse…
Sending love.
Thinking of you. I definitely hear you on the worries that went along with your worry about your food. I third the telemedicine suggestion
If I can put on my very obnoxious from-a-family-of-doctors hat for a second? Persistent pain and swelling from an unknown cause that doesn’t go away with over the counter pain relievers and is keeping you up at night= go get seen. If all of those factors are there you should go in. Telemedicine is a great option if it’s available to you!
Also your doctor sounds like a total heel, and I’m sorry.
I feel all of this so hard. Very glad to hear your foot is feeling better. ❤️
I don’t want to scare you, but please do telemedicine this. An unexpectedly swollen foot was the only reason I scheduled the appointment that discovered my (first) blood clot, and the knowledge of that first clot was the only reason the later pulmonary embolisms were diagnosed, leaving me here to love your writing and root for your good shopping juju.
Well, if it helps you feel any better, our boy is better about doing his chores that the non-binary kid (the one who was socialized as a girl for 11 years). They both need reminding, but he’s more co-operative once reminded.
I’m glad your foot is feeling better.
Yes, in my family the only tidy, helpful without being asked to do chores, child is a boy. The others range from not-tidy – helpful-if-asked to actively-untidy- defiantly-unhelpful even when ordered to do chores. I have decided that tidyness is a recessive gene, yet to be discovered.
Best wishes Swistle – it will all come out in the wash.
I would recommend urgent care, maybe? They will have things like an x-ray machine on site to check for fractures and an ultrasound machine to check for clots so you won’t have to go to multiple appointments at multiple places after seeing your GP. And I know now is not the time, but maybe shop for a new doctor? Because if this one makes you feel judged to the extent you don’t feel you can safely to go to her for things like this maybe it’s time for a change. There are doctors out there who can make you feel safe to tell them anything and you deserve to have one.
You (and Elizabeth) should start billing the other members of the household for your cleaning services. If they don’t want to pay, they can do it themselves! No, they don’t get paid. They must first complete an unpaid apprenticeship in Housekeeping.
I was thinking similarly: make allowances contingent on completing household chores without nagging. I have one child who would have given up all allowances if it meant she never had to do chores, and one that would do extra chores for extra money, so maybe overall they’ll balance each other out and all the chores will get done?
I agree with the telemedicine recommendation; Doctors On Demand is great, and you just download the app, put in your insurance info, get it looked at, and move on with your life.
But also, maybe think about switching primary care doctors? Because you and your doctor should be aligned about things like a glass of wine with dinner or cancelling visits during Covid!
Reading the comments post my comment, I see I’m not alone in the new doctor suggestion! But also, even if your insurance doesn’t cover telemedicine, it typically costs only a bit more than a co-pay.
I had an annual visit with my ob/gyn, and I actually told her I thought I was drinking too much wine. This was her reply: “Girl, so am I!” Apparently she’s Zooming with her mom and sisters several times a week and consuming copious amounts of wine while doing so. She used to see them in person, but doesn’t want to now because she doesn’t want to take any extra risks. I complained about gaining some weight (because of the wine!) and she said, “Don’t worry. We’ll lose it later.” I cannot tell you how relieved I was. I think they get it. These times are HARD.
Take some ibuprofen and ice your foot. If it’s not better in a few days, see the doctor. This is what I would do if it was one of my children. If it’s good enough for them, it’ll do for us too.
Same! Mine asked me “are you experiencing any stress in your life” (standard screening question) and I just LOOKED at her and she nodded. They get it.
This is a good doctor! Do everything in your powers to stay with her.
My kids were being pretty good about cleaning their bathroom for a while, but evidently that ended, as I learned when I entered it yesterday. And when I asked, the youngest (the docile rule-follower!) told me that I would need to remind him a lot and he would not consider it nagging. Hmm. I guess we need to have a talk about why that is better than nothing but still a D+ sort of response. Certainly in the mood for that, yay.
Last week my spouse was cleaning the kitchen via washing all the dishes with running water before putting them in the dishwasher, which makes me nuts, not in a His Way vs My Way way, but in a Responsible vs Helping to Kill the Earth way. And I went in to say something, thought better of it, and was informed that he wondered if I was about to say something and he would hope not because it feels to him like he’s been doing dishes all day.
My dude, you have been doing dishes in the labor-intensive, energy-wasting approach you prefer, so hush up. And also, you are doing dishes from a genuinely labor-intensive dinner that you said you loved, but believe me, I know how dirty a lot fewer dishes to produce dinner. You probably won’t be excited about the meals that come from using many fewer dishes, but hey, priorities.
I was laughing ruefully through this entire post because it could have come straight from my head. Then, that realization in and of itself made me feel nervous, because while I’ve always respected and been interested to hear about this type of thought process, as a historically Relentless Cheery Person I’ve never actually experienced real doom spirals or anxiety. Except 2020 has apparently fixed that for me! Now it’s normal! HAHA AUGH.
Christmas ornament possibility: Mommy’s First Doom Spiral
Ha! Good one
love it! I did order this 2020 dumpster fire ornament already: https://www.edenlifestyleboutique.com/products/2020-dumpster-fire-ornament-pre-order
Thank you for the help with my Christmas shopping.
I have no real advice to share, and am obviously not a doctor, but just anecdotally: that sudden one-foot, hurt and swell thing happened to my boyfriend and it turned out to be an unusual presentation of gout. It almost always starts in the big toes, but his was actually the outside part of his foot and up around his ankle. Very painful, even accounting for the man-pain aspect of it.
This is so frustrating. I have had random foot pain before and gone to the doctor. She told me to buy new walking shoes. And it worked. I felt pretty stupid, but also grateful that it was not a serious injury.
Same! Apparently I am a pronator, and I accidentally bought shoes for supinators, and whoa, it turns out that makes a big difference. I replaced my shoes, and the foot pain was gone nearly immediately. It’s crazy!
I had hand despair for a few days last week – I’ve had brutal carpal tunnel since having kids, and my dad was in the hospital for a couple of weeks, and helping him get up and down in the initial crisis and the stress sent me into a horrible flare. I also have feet that stop working properly every now and then, and it’s not a small thing – you need your feet to carry you places. So I feel you, and be gentle with yourself.
Telehealth for the foot! Also maybe telehealth for therapy? I am a smidge worried about you. These are anxious times, and being able to talk to somebody about what Dumpster fire everything is can be so helpful. Not that it fixes anything, but it can reduce the quantity of insomnia and the intensity of overall despair.
My doctor lectured me about alcohol, too. I said I have to drinks per week and she sent me home with a pamphlet about excessive alcohol use.