With trepidation (I was still worried about what if we had dramatically different views on this, THEN what would we do and how would we decide), we talked to both Rob and William about their thoughts about going back to college next month—and both of them decline to attend in person. We all agree this sucks, we all agree that going to college in person as usual and not during a pandemic is the obvious preferred option, but that option is not available to us right now, and so our first choice of the available options is to go online. If the online option is not available (and I was very reassured by all the comments from college employees who thought that option was very likely to be available, soon if not immediately, and at different schools if not at their current schools), then they will take a semester off and we will see what is happening by spring term. Obviously this is not ideal. Obviously. But if the worst thing that happens to us during a pandemic is that the kids are a little delayed in their planned schooling, I will count us among the extremely, extremely lucky.
This talk/decision relieved a lot of my anxiety. It removes one option branch and all the accompanying little branches (what about all the students/professors/staff who don’t think the pandemic is a thing? and how do they quarantine before coming back home? and how do we GET Rob to his 7-hours-away college safely? and how many masks do I need to buy to send with them?), in one quick cut. They are not going. They are staying here, one way or another.
This also lets me start to plan. Before, everything felt up in the air. Now, MANY things still feel up in the air, but FEWER, and we know at least the DIRECTION of our plan. I know to actually read the emails from the college (instead of skimming them in full fluster, feeling as if WHO KNOWS IF ANY OF THESE PLANS WILL STILL BE ACCURATE NEXT WEEK, LET ALONE AT THE BEGINNING OF FALL) to look for their online plans; I can ignore the in-person plans. I know that the next things we need to find out are things such as whether the classes they’re enrolled in will have online versions or do they need to switch; and, if no online classes are offered, what the deadline is for telling the school the student is skipping a semester (though I would hope that deadline would be more flexible than usual right now).
And it lets me settle into the timeline where all seven of us are still here until at least January. I can make sure Rob and William have the furniture and space and equipment for their continued life here. If you remember, this house has some very weird rooms; I don’t know if rooms were just built this way back then, or if it’s a result of many remodelings, but two of the bedrooms have bedrooms off of them—like nurseries. It’s awkward, because we don’t need nurseries, and no one wants a bedroom that someone else has to walk through every time they go to their own bedroom. But in this particular case, where we have a 19-year-old and a 21-year-old unexpectedly back living with their parents and siblings when they had gotten used to being on their own more, it’s working well. Rob and William have their bunk beds in one of the “nurseries,” and then they use the bedroom-you’d-have-to-walk-through-every-time for their bureaus and desks. It gives them a little two-room suite to be away from the rest of the household, and it works well when they have different sleeping schedules.
I spent some time yesterday making a long list of all the chores I could think of that need to be done in the house. I broke everything into small pieces, so it’s not “clean bathroom,” it’s “wash sink/faucets/counter” and “scrub tub” and “scrub shower walls” and “scrub shower shelves and bottoms of bottles” and “clean toilet” and “wash bathroom floor” and “wash tile walls.” This summer the three younger kids and I have all been doing one extra chore per day, in order to try to keep the housework manageable; the older kids are supposed to be doing this too, and now that they’re going to be here longer, it is more worthwhile to make sure they’re actually doing it. This is also an excellent opportunity to make sure they are fully housecleaning-trained for when they once again live with other people.
And I made two lists for all of us, one called “Mental Health” and the other called “Physical Health.” I’ll add to them if I think of more things, but right now they look like this:
Mental Health
exercise
creative
academic
social contact (texts, emails, Zoom, family)
outdoors / fresh air
reading
Physical Health
exercise
nutrition
BRUSH/FLOSS (and consider using disinfecting mouth-rinse)
retainers / rubber bands
antibiotic on every cut / nick / cat-claw-poke (Edward’s abscess, which has resulted in five medical visits so far, started as “any kind of skin breach,” according to the doctor)
keep finger/toe nails trimmed
vitamins/medications
hand-washing
It’s delicate to try to parent kids who just a few months ago were handling their own lives: I don’t want to keep instructing/reminding them, and I don’t want to make them feel as if now that they’re home, they’re back in the same group as their younger siblings. But also: unlike before, I can’t be thinking, “Well, I have thoroughly trained them to brush their teeth, so if they don’t it’s their problem at this point”: we’re not doing our regular dental appointments right now, and it affects all of us if some of us have to go to extra appointments, and I want as few Lifetime Consequences of this pandemic as we can manage. And ALL of us, including me, need reminders about the things that we’d normally be getting automatically through our normal daily lives, such as social contact and exercise. So once I’ve had a day or two to make sure I’ve thought of everything I want to put on these lists, I’ll post them somewhere we’ll all see them, like in the kitchen. Actually, I don’t want to think about toenail trimmings while I’m in the kitchen, so maybe I’ll put Mental Health in the kitchen and Physical Health in the bathroom.
I love the way you think, and I appreciate you sharing that process here. I never once thought “we should be EXTRA careful about our teeth because we don’t want to have a dental appointment right now” but now it seems So Obvious. Yikes.
I am also relieved for you all that you have made the a college decision. I fret constantly – CONSTANTLY – about school opening up for my second grader. All the frets.
I love the way you think too—it’s like you’re in my brain but a few steps ahead, which is super helpful. :-) My idea for the mental health list (once you got me started on my own) is a “social justice” or “greater good” activity. So much research has proved that kids (and adults) thrive when they belong to a larger community, and that’s where I already feel the struggle of the last few months/upcoming year. Thank you for getting me thinking about my own lists, and I’m relieved for you that the college-return decision has been made!
OKAY! I’m so glad you are all in agreement. And I’ll bet it helps to have BOTH boys in it together. I think if I had had to move back home unexpectedly as a college student I would have been WAY happier if my 2-years-younger sister were there too. So, maybe when you have a moment, go back in time to Has-An-Infant-And-Toddler Swistle and let her know of this spacing payoff!
Somewhat relatedly, my rising 9th grader wants to go to in-person classes in the “fall” (SCHOOL STARTS AUGUST 10TH), but is now concerned that many of her friends will be online-only. SIGH. I don’t know how much weight to give the friend thing, especially considering the fact that sports are iffy (her main social contact), and the school claims that they will be social distancing during even lunch (lol, we’ll see).
WHAT IS IT GOING TO BE LIKE?? Literally no one knows. Looking forward to more updates!
What a relief to have the college decision solidified. Several OH COOL things jumped out at me from your post:
1) OH COOL!!! YOU MADE A DORM ROOM SUITE FOR YOUR COLLEGE KIDS! I mean, for real, they’re in a little dorm away from the dorms!
2) I really need that reminder to floss better, and use the antiseptic rinse, and I’m going to put that same sign up in my bathroom.
3) I really love that list of breaking down the main chore into its component parts. So much less daunting to say, “I’m just going to clean this toilet today” instead of, “I need to clean this whole disgusting bathroom all at once”
I love “option branches,” I tend to think the same way, and get overwhelmed because each possibility has so many sub-possibilities. It is such a relief to TRIM THE TREE. Er, that sounds Christmassy. PRUNE the tree, then. But I like the alliteration better.
As a professor, my suggestion would be to have them email their professors now and find out if there will be an online-only option for that course. The professors may not know yet, but it will be helpful for the professors (and administration) to know that some students have already decided on that option. And if the professor DOES know, one way or another, that’s something less for your children to worry about.
This is an extremely good point; you don’t have to transfer out of classes if the professor knows (even if it’s not “official” yet) that it’ll be online or that there will be an online-only option. :-)
The university I work at is trying very hard to have in-person classes. That said, we are also offering more online courses than normal and trying to accommodate both students and faculty who want or need to do remote instruction only. And we are preparing for the eventuality that we may end up switching to all online again midway through the semester. Universities don’t want enrollment to go down so there is incentive to have courses available in the different ways that students are interested in taking them.
I agree with the comment above that starting now to look into what if any courses will be offered online – but I would suggest contacting advisors or the Registrar’s office rather than individual professors, because the professor’s scope of what they know about (in terms of changes to course offerings) may be limited to the classes they teach, while the Registrar’s office is in the thick of actually making changes for all the courses across campus.
HOORAY! That makes me so happy, that 1. you are on the same page, and 2. that page is the one that I personally think is the most likely to, like, work with relatively low chaos (as opposed to the whole “and different colleges abruptly make decisions to ship students home at various times through fall semester, how does this work in total and also quarantine and travel and that’s assuming you don’t get sick and trapped at the college?” thing), and 3. dorm suite!, and 4. further Adulthood Training (because there are… very very few… college-age boys who have really *digested* the processes and necessities of cleaning, and yes, future housemates – unless they are “living in own swill, do not notice” housemates – will thank you. And future romantic partners will *DEFINITELY* thank you, again, unless living-in-own-swill sorts; my mother-in-law is an amazing and splendid person in so, so many ways.).
And ahhh, yes, it is so nice when big waffley scary unknowns get snipped off. HOORAY!
Oh, and I would personally be inclined to tack “adequate sleep” onto one or the other of the health lists, although if no one in your establishment struggles with this, then probably not. (and while no one has “must get up in time for…” alarm-clock wakings-up, then it is more likely they are getting about adequate sleep.)
(and it is more challenging in some ways, but “limit bad things” is also helpful for both mental and physical. I am not sure how one would put that. I personally do some of this by an approximately annual Online Intake Sources Assessment – basically, do these places I “hang out” give me positive things, negative things, or a mix, and are they a net good or not? And then I have temporary “I am not in a good mental space right now and therefore I will skip these things until I am doing better” sorts of hiatus-things from some blogs where the total is good/educational/useful but odds are good that, given a bad mental space and this sort of input, I will end up spinning out badly.)
Also, I do not know if there are additional therapeutic activities for some of your family members, but I have personally found it useful to have sub-lists for therapeutic options. Stressed/upset? Turn on music, or purrli.com [note: turn “meowing” all the way down]. Sniff my “wood scent” thingy and imagine a forest briefly. Take 10 deep, diaphragmatic breathing breaths. Work off energy physically if frustrated/angry. Send a thank-you note or a thinking-of-you note/text/email to someone random. Absolutely destroy a piece of paper out of the recycling. Hungry? Here are five good snack options.
It’s kind of like the “are you bored? you could: play with play-doh; get out art supplies; go ride your bike; read a book; walk the dog” sorts of lists some people use for their children for summer, but for me. And written down because I forget things.
Anyway! Congratulations, and I hope things go excellently!
I cannot imagine the relief in having those decisions made.
How is the kitty?
Oh hurray for getting to make a decision. Any decision!! Planning is so much less exhausting than dithering.
I use lists for work ALL THE TIME but have only recently started putting home chores on a list (since I am home all the time now). Now I think I should make a physical/mental health list – drink more water would need to be at the top for me.
What a relief that you are all on the same page regarding college. And yes, that set up is TOTALLY a dorm room!
Well, that’s a nicer dorm room than I had, but kudos to you, indeed.
Yes, a relief. I think I was relieved that DS, a middle-schooler, said he wants to do online school this fall. Of course there are tradeoffs (for us in-person would actually only involve 2 days/week, apparently, as they are planning swap offs with 2 different groups and a day in the middle for deep cleaning. So.). I asked him if his friends were talking about it and he said most also want/plan to do online, and I asked why and he said, “Because we like being alive.” So — yeah. I’m not sure what the actual risk to that group/setting is, but I don’t want to make you do something that feels frightening or dangerous, no.
I like the mental/ physical health lists. It’s so interesting how intertwined they are, speaking for myself anyway.
I would just like to commend your college students on making a thought-through, responsible, adult decision even though it is a difficult one! I think colleges are going to be a very different and very stressful place to be this fall, personally.
AND there is absolutely nothing wrong with taking an extra semester or two in college (or taking a semester off for whatever reason) even WITHOUT a pandemic- it’s not like the perceived shame of being held back in K-12! College is about making individual plans that work for you, not following the scripted path/timeline! Maybe they can brainstorm ways to make this semester work to their benefit- independent study on a niche topic with a favorite professor (if professor is willing), take online certification courses on various career-relevant softwares, start a website/blog/online business?
Add a mouth rinse!! That is genius. I suspect my kids (16, 13, 10) are Extremely Indifferent re tooth care & hygiene, but everyone has missed their 6 month cleaning and I am WORRIED about mouths full of cavities. Mouth rinse can’t hurt/might help! Thanks for the idea!!
Okay, I have to admit that I HATE the taste of mouthwash so I’ve never used it beyond trying it a couple of times in my childhood, but I’ve also never had a cavity in my life so I’ve never thought about this at all as something my kids (who have both already had cavities) would benefit from. Your comment is making me actually think about whether this is something I should buy and encourage my kids to use. Of course, my son would first have to brush his teeth without being checked on and reminded routinely first, and I suspect he might end up leaning too heavily on the mouthwash instead of brushing (properly or at all), so perhaps a renewed focus on dental hygiene is in order this summer, because we too are skipping the routine cleanings… Thanks to both Swistle and Carla for the food for thought!
I too HATE the taste of regular mouthwash, but I discovered that ACT has a cinnamon flavored one (at least they did a year ago, which is when I last stocked up) which is fairly palatable, if that’s a flavor that appeals?
I noted with interest that your Mental Health list almost mirrored my Mandatory Daily Activities list for my 14 and 12 year old kids during the time school was shut down. They were each expected to fill out what they had done in each category and for how long every day in lieu of going to school:
2 hours brain time (academic)
30 minutes body time (exercise)
1 hour soul time (creative activities/projects)
30 minutes household help
1 hour reading
It worked out to 5 hours of time commitment per day, and was on top of keeping up with their usual routine responsibilities like clearing their dishes and putting them in the dishwasher, folding the laundry, etc.
I’m trying to rejig it for the summer – right now they’re each dedicating full mornings to language classes (their choice), plus it is summer so I want to ease expectations a bit, but it’s also very easy to get bored and just sit on screens all day since we can’t see people or go many places. I do like the idea of outdoor time and not just for the kids – during the week when I’m working this would be easily fulfilled by hanging out in our pool, but I was thinking of adding a family hike to our weekends just to change things up a bit. I am a bit freaked out by the tick invasion that’s happened where I live in recent years, but I suppose they’re not going away so I will have to learn to adapt if I want to still walk around on trails here.