I was glum and droopy all yesterday afternoon and evening (except during dinner: Paul baked delicious little chewy crusty dinner rolls, and those briefly revived the spirits), and I slept just fine, and then I had a lot of trouble making myself get out of bed. I finally managed it only when it was 20 minutes before the kids had to start online school and I hadn’t heard a peep out of any of them. But I didn’t take a shower or get dressed or eat breakfast except for coffee. And I didn’t go to my computer and check email/Twitter/Facebook. Instead I sat in a recliner and played phone games for three hours.
Maybe you never take a shower and get dressed first thing, and you love starting the day in pjs; maybe you’re never hungry for breakfast and always just have coffee; maybe you never check email until later in the day. In that case you will need to translate this story into language that makes more sense to you. For example, in the evening do you have a cup of hot tea and then take a shower and put on fresh pjs every night before bed, and it would feel bizarre and bad if you didn’t? Then imagine the level of glum droopiness it would take for you to say “Hell with it” and skip that tea and shower and just climb into bed in your daytime clothes. Do you get up and go for a run first thing every morning, and then do guided meditation, and then have a particular favorite breakfast, and it sets your whole day off right? Then imagine the level of glum droopiness it would take for you to say “Hell with it” and skip that run/meditation/breakfast. That is how it is when I skip shower/dressed/breakfast/computer.
Maybe it’s because I wrote about dieting/weight yesterday, and that just never feels good even when it all goes fine. I had that draft for a month and kept messing with it (several times needing to change the weight number, sigh), and maybe that should have been a sign to delete it. But it did feel good to see that others were in similar situations and having similar feelings about it.
Maybe it’s that last week I went grocery shopping AND spent several hours in a hospital room with another patient, another parent, and a nurse who said she thought the current regulations (such as wiping the blood pressure cuff after using it for Edward and before using it immediately on the other child) were “borderline neurotic.” Maybe it’s because I wrote a letter about the experience to the department head, and now I am going to have to deal with whatever the consequences are of that. Or maybe it’s because I did catch something, and now I’m feeling the first edges of illness and exhaustion.
Maybe it was hearing about a family very similar to mine, where one parent is the primary wage-earner and the carrier of the health insurance—and that parent has lost their job, and also their health insurance, in the middle of a pandemic. I will never complain again. I will never complain again. I will never complain again. …I will complain all the time as usual, but you will know it is with the awareness that I should never complain again.
Or it could be just the general feeling of knowing we’re getting close to the 100,000 mark of Covid-19 deaths in the U.S. (and that only includes the ones we KNOW are from Covid-19), and yet people are still demanding the right (“the right”) to act as if we are not in a pandemic, some of them because they don’t LIKE how we have to act when we are in a pandemic. There is a petition circulating on our town website demanding that the high school have a normal, non-socially-distanced graduation, because it’s “not fair” that they don’t get to have one, when other classes DID get to. Not FAIR. It’s not FAIR that there is a pandemic right now, so let’s do a normal graduation. There are more signatures than I’d expect. I know having an altered graduation is sad (though actually it looks to me from Facebook photos as if each graduate is getting far more personal compensatory fuss made over them than they normally would); but much, much sadder is thinking of some of those kids or their families getting sick at their normal, non-socially-distanced graduation, and some of them dying. JUST HAVE A SPECIAL SOCIALLY-DISTANCED GRADUATION AND LIVE TO GET TO TELL THE STORY OF THAT TERRIBLE LIFE TRAGEDY OVER AND OVER AGAIN FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
Well. I am going to have soup and a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch, and then a cup of coffee and a snack-cake, and see if that helps anything.
I have these days too and I think it’s less from any specific cause and just that kind of everything sucks all the time right now and sometimes it just gets to be too much for no particular reason. I hope that the snack cake and excellent lunch will help. And sometimes, it’s okay to just go back to bed and try again later. We are going to make it. This will end.
Did you know some people make a grilled cheese with mayo on the outsides instead of butter? I have not tried it, I’m not especially good at making grilled cheese anyway, but I feel I would either like it so much I ate one every day, or really hate it. This kind of thing tends to paralyze me for some reason. The option of “maybe I’ll like it ok” doesn’t seem possible at all.
I heartily agree I would prefer to tell the story of virtual/safe graduation than “graduates and their families got sick and people died because they wanted to sit through the most BORING event there is”.
I have tried it and it is really good. You should give it a try. It makes the outside very crispy.
I have tried it and, while I understand why others like it better, I DID NOT. It made the sandwich taste oddly vinegar-y. I much prefer slathering lashings of butter on the outside and frying it like that instead.
So my suggestion is, if you often eat your grilled cheese with a dill pickle on the side, you should try the mayo. Otherwise, no.
Well we are a Miracle Whip family. We don’t even have any actual mayo. I wonder if that makes a difference. We do sometimes put pickles IN the sandwich. I appreciate this tip!
See, I am also a Miracle Whip person (to the extent that as a little kid I would ask for a sandwich with just Miracle Whip in it and my mom said no! Now as an adult I just slather it real thick on a legit ham or tomato sandwich) and I have tried it on the outside of grilled cheese sandwiches and do not love it! Go figure!
Exactly! I feel I might really not like it and then I would have wasted a perfectly good grilled cheese.
But I’m also with Leeann below: I think the salty butter is critical to grilled cheese success.
Same! Except my mom actually let me have my miracle whip on bread snacks. My sister and brother were disgusted, but I loved it. Now I absolutely need something else with it. And was not a fan of the alternative grilled cheese – can’t remember if I used actual mayo or miracle whip though….
I would like to report I made a grilled ham and cheese yesterday with Miracle Whip on the inside and butter on the outside, and it was Extremely Good. It was a little slippery but very, very delicious. In fact I was sad there was no more ham, even though it was leftover and I had been eating it for 4 days already.
We do this! and LOVE IT!
I’m not a fan of the mayo method because I love the hit of salt that you get with the fried butter on the outside. The salt, the warm gooey cheese, the crunch of the bread… just YUM.
I love grilled cheese sandwiches, with peanut butter on the cheese. Add it before you put the cheese on the bread…oh yum!
MA’AM
I cackled
Ugh. I’m so glad you are feeling this way too. Well, not glad, but I know I’m not alone. With all the “free time” and energy everyone else seems to have I’m wondering if I’m just the odd duck out. I’m exhausted all of the time. I just could not give a crap about the kids’ online learning. I just don’t care about any of it. Sometimes it feels so hard just to make it through the day. Not every day, but an alarming number of them.
My husband is also the primary breadwinner/insurance holder and his company is mandating that they take a vacation day every week, which has been going on for almost 2 months. It makes me a little queasy and panicky and I am really not that type of person at all.
I wonder if a lot of this is not only the pandemic, but the lack of variety. Every day is the same. Our brains are just stuck. I tried to start the Artist’s Way last summer and one of the things she says is that you need a weekly artist date in order to get out and get inspired. So, maybe that has something to do with it? I don’t know.
If I may pry, what is the reason behind the mandatory vacation day each week? Is it to try and force better mental health on their employees with mandated work breaks, or like, because they don’t want everyone to take their stored up 4 weeks of vacation at the same time once we’re allowed to? or.. other reasons?
I’ve known several companies doing this and it is essentially a pay cut or unpaid leave. Brother took a 10% payout and got 10 extra “holidays”. My friend took a 20% payout but she only works 30 hours per week.
Or maybe it is unpaid vacation and it’s a cash flow control measure.
In our situation, it has to do with the number of hours of PTO in our system. It is a significant financial liability for an organization to have a huge number of PTO hours sitting out there. By mandating people take those hours they can get the liability off the books.
The reasons given in the situation I’m familiar with (not my company) are twofold: 1. They don’t want all that unused vacation to be taken at the same time in the fall, if that becomes possible and 2. Unused vacation is a financial liability for them if it is required to be paid out at the end of the year. It’s nice to think that mental health has something to do with it but in my experience that is not at all the case – workloads are the same, but one day a week is “vacation” time.
It is definitely not mental health related, although that would be nice!
No, it is related to paycuts and maybe the liability of PTO sitting in people’s accounts. It is a way for his company to save money as well. Apparently PTO comes out of a different account than salaries, so the company is “saving money” by mandating vacation.
But, even though he works remotely for a company that specializes in remote learning (professional training, etc), his company is feeling the pinch of this current financial cluster f***. it adds to the feeling of despondency that even a job that I thought were for sure secure might not be.
Oh geez. And ugh. I’m sorry :(
I am comforted by your lack of crap-giving about the kids’ online learning. I feel the same, along with a huge helping of guilt on the side, but not enough guilt, apparently, to change my feelings and motivate me to actually care. Sigh.
Unsolicited advice from a teacher: the limited amount of craps to give should be focused on the things that will make their life easier next year, e.g. sequential courses. So if they’re taking Spanish 1 now, and are planning to take Spanish 2 next year, they should definitely do as much of the Spanish 1 work as they can now, because otherwise they will struggle later. Same with math. If they’re taking chemistry now, it will be less of an issue to next year’s physics course if they don’t get to everything.
This is what I’ve been telling my students when I talk to them on google meet (in the context that nothing is graded for the rest of the year): Do the things that will make your life easier, do the things that you know you need the extra work on to be successful later. Do the things you think are interesting. Don’t stress about the review or extra practice of things you already understand or the things you just can’t deal with right now. It will be ok.
This is great, thank you. I had to lose it on my high-schooler who was planning to blow off the end of pre-calc, which SURPRISE ended up being graded since it is a dual enrollment course.
Some days are ok and some just out-right suck. I try to ride out the bad days the best I can and try to give myself a break. We have all deserve that (except for those freaking selfish assholes who feel like their freedom is being denied because of having to wear a MASK). Also, good for you for contacting the hospital re: nurse. Never feel bad for standing up for yourself/children/mankind in general (again, except for those mask-less idiots).
“I will never complain again. I will never complain again. I will never complain again. …I will complain all the time as usual, but you will know it is with the awareness that I should never complain again.”
Some people don’t like having other people in their heads, but I am comforted by the presence of Cranial Swistle, myself.
I think we all need the occasional Mope Day, or Mope Long Weekend, or whatever. I had been chugging through my new-normal routine just fine for weeks, months I guess, and then I hit a wall, and I wasn’t sure if this marked a bobble or the start of everything falling apart. A week later, it turns out it was a bobble. Pretty sure having extra treats was helpful. Also, just . . . screw it. If my falling apart takes the form of having sugar in my coffee as I watch Call the Midwife and put fancy goop and socks on my feet, so be it.
Writing the letter was the right thing to do.
“Cranial Swistle” is awesome. Oh my gosh.
CRANIAL SWISTLE is absolutely exactly the kind of ghost I would want to be, if I could come back as a ghost. I will attempt it!
I don’t think we have ever spoken directly but I’ve read your blog for many years and you have no idea how often I think ‘it’s a drop in the bucket but it IS a drop and it is IN THE BUCKET’ so apparently I have a cranial Swistle of my own
I SAID THAT TO MYSELF! LAST WEEK!
(Cranial Swistle is a pretty good roommate, is what I’m saying.)
ME TOO! Drops in the bucket has gotten me through many, many sullen cleaning sessions.
Just want to applaud you for writing a letter. I know that now the potential fallout from doing so is on your mind, but my hope is that writing the letter allowed you to focus less on the lousy situation, and that maybe your taking action will lead to improved experiences for all the families having to deal with infusions.
Yes, some days are just like this. I hate it. Yesterday I felt like a restless, caged animal. Today I made myself go for a walk before breakfast and it did lift my spirits. I get so down when I think about the future and have to force myself to think about getting through today as much as I can.
I am SO GLAD that you contacted the hospital about the room-sharing. They were wrong and you were right. I hope next time will be different for you and Edward.
The people who want everything to go back to normal… protesting with signs that say “Give me liberty or give me death!” It’s not either/or… you take your liberty to walk elbow to elbow with your fellow-complainers, and some of you will get death. The virus does not care about your cute little signs.
I definitely get the most down and bleak-feeling when thinking about these people who are just so INCONVENIENCED by having to ADJUST THEIR LIVES due to a FREAKING GLOBAL PANDEMIC. It puts me into a bad spiral of “this will never get better because there are so many people in this country who are too selfish to actually make a functioning society work” and then I, too, spend hours zoned out on phone games.
I have been getting these mopes too, and it feels so much better to know other folks are experiencing the same thing.
I think I also experienced them in normal life, but if they happened on a weekday, I havd to get up and go to work. And if they happened on a weekend it felt more like oh! I’m just having a super lazy weekend, rather than realizing it’s a MOOD. If I had to go to work through it, I am retroactively noticing that those were the days that when I got home, I felt super put upon if I had to clean the kitchen or do laundry.
I still have to get up and “go to work” in my little area of the downstairs where my laptop is, but those are the days I’m not taking off my pajama pants or showering.
Good heavens. People agitating for a traditional graduation ceremony right now would set me right off. Honestly, it sucks. It sucks so much. But maybe this is a huge part of kids’ education—the chance to learn that life isn’t fair, and sometimes we have to miss out on the things we expect to have due to things outside of our control. I’m sorry if I sound sanctimonious. Because it IS a loss, a REAL loss. It should be acknowledged and grieved. But LOOK! LOOK at all of the people coming around these graduates to show their love, sympathy and support. But on the scale of losses that can get chalked up to this pandemic, this one doesn’t even make the top 10 for me. I have a special soft spot for those who would be graduating this spring as the first one of their family to receive a degree/diploma missing this chance to go through the pomp and all that, but other than that, don’t get me started.
I’m stopping now. I promise.
But I’ve been having those days of glum and gloom, too, when nothing seems to help but eating a Little Debbie and watching TV. I hear you, girl.
I feel slightly ashamed that I’m secretly glad to not have to attend my son’s high school graduation. And also irritated that they’ll be having two virtual events, a possible in-person event scheduled for August (with a restricted guest list) AND the school is planning a 6 month reunion for Christmas break. I feel like it’s overkill! It’s a small private school, and I suppose there are people pushing for stuff like this to “get their money’s worth” or whatnot. But my son is ok. There are a lot of in-school rituals and “lasts” the seniors get to do the final week of school. They are missing those; but my son is ok. Like, he knows his senior year (and all the pomp and circumstance and events related to that) does not define him! He knows high school doesn’t define him; he knows he’s not ENTITLED to these things! He knows it’s not about him. Since he doesn’t care, he’s missing things, then I certainly don’t care. Another parent may say they care because their child cares (which is fair), but maybe the child cares so much because the parent has taught them to value these things…?
For me – the class of 2020 sign in the yard that the teachers brought by is enough.
I have two of those signs actually, one for the senior, one for the 8th grader. She’s also missing a lot. But she also knows she’s not entitled to certain things in life. I mean, come on, they have themselves a great story they’ll get to tell the rest of their lives.
I have a junior too… the pandemic could still be the status when she graduates from high school too…
I’m with you both, Sarah and Tracy. My kids will both be moving up to different schools at the end of this year (one to middle school, and one to high school), and yes, it’s a shame they won’t get to have their “graduation” rituals with their friends and teachers, but those rituals didn’t exist when I was their age (and I didn’t bother with my prom or my high school graduations ceremony). I mean, we would have participated proudly and enthusiastically, but I didn’t really see why it was such a big fuss these days to begin with, and there are other milestones coming up in the future for both of them that are a way bigger deal.
I’m much more disappointed to miss being able to celebrate our senior parents’ birthdays – with them both fighting cancer, I’m trying not to think of it as maybe missing last birthdays, but it’s there in my mid for sure.
*mind
Do you have a stash of crappy-day-presents for yourself? Seems like a good time for one.
This made me giggle because I immediately thought “Oh but I would open them all on the first day I had them.” I guess some people have more self-control?
I made my daughter a grilled cheese and tomato basil soup this weekend, and she was so thrilled and appreciative I felt like a superhero. So then I was chasing that feeling and the next day I made her a meatball sub with melty cheese on a lovely toasted roll with garlic butter…and she rejected it so hard you would have thought I offered her poo on a plate.
So I guess what I’m saying is, at our house, our emotions are highly charged, changing minute by minute and hinging more than usual on sandwiches.
Am now deeply concerned about the fate of the delicious meatball sub.
ME TOO
Took a photo, posted it on Facebook. Got my dopamine hit from the likes. Contemplated my neediness. Ate the sub myself. It WAS as delicious as you are imagining, so I was both full AND vindicated.
YES! VINDICATION!
Vindication AND a meatball sub! It’s like you just keep winning! :)
*jumping up and down with my hand up*
I have recently discovered that putting slices of tomato and leaves of fresh basil right into the grilled cheese (using old – I think Americans call it sharp? – cheddar), and adding salt and pepper on top of the tomato before putting the top slice of bread on, absolutely transports it, and I don’t have to bother making soup on the side.
I LOVE grilled cheese with cheddar and tomato, it is one of my favorite things. I just use the sharp cheddar and the tomato, we get a really good sesame sourdough loaf at the grocery store which is perfect for grilled cheese. I like to assembly my sandwich before it goes in the pan, so I butter the bread, then lay the buttered sides on top of each other so I can work on the insides! I put on the cheese, the bread is big so I usually have to use 2.5 slices. Then I layer on the tomatoes, covering every millimeter. I used to add another layer of cheddar, but we now use the Tillamook cheddar, which is so rich-two layers was just too much. I don’t butter the pan, let the butter on the bread do it’s magic!
That sounds so freaking awesome. That is some comfort food right there.
I’m so sorry you had a poopy day. I had several of those in a row a couple of weeks ago, and it was rough. But it seems to have passed? Fingers crossed? I hope you’re able to bounce back soon. I think you’re applying the right medicine (although I didn’t see any mention of gin, so maybe look into that).
A friend and I were commiserating over being the type of people who are dealing with this by spending extra time sitting on our couches doing nothing (in between helping frantic, melting down 9-year-olds with schoolwork) but playing phone games and sometimes, if we’re feeling really productive, reading. I also add scrolling through all the bad news to that list because that is the idiot I am. It is hard not to compare oneself to those who are filled with anxious energy and using that energy to cook and deliver meals and care packages to others, or write cards to everyone in their church congregation, or grow a garden, or grocery shop for immunocompromised friends (and this is just all one person we know). I keep thinking there is going to be a turning point that makes it (i.e. me) better, when the kids are done with schooling at home, or when the weather is warmer/cooler/different, or when my husband takes the kids out so I can have a few hours alone, or, or, or. Instead, I am having to learn to accept the fact that however I dealt with stress, anxiety, and grief over the state of the world in the before times – namely, by sinking into unproductivity and escapism far more often than I wanted to – is simply going to be amplified due to an increase in stress, anxiety, and grief during this crisis. And I got very mad at myself over this fact Saturday and spent a good half hour wailing into my pillow while my husband tried to get me to name a specific thing that was wrong so he could Fix It, so that is where we are right now. I mean, I am feeling marginally better and capable of maybe, possibly, sort of getting some laundry done today. But also, I had a dream last night that I went to Target and NOBODY was wearing masks, and then I discovered that I was not wearing a mask either, and then I passed a man who was coughing, so I veered far away from him, but then he sneezed without covering his mouth and it was the loudest, hugest sneeze I’d ever heard and I could FEEL it hit me, so. I wish Candy Crush would bring back their Week of Infinite Lives again, is what I’m saying.
I feel like about every 4th or 5th day I have one of these days. Today it is raining–like flood type raining and i really can’t focus on anything. And I’m supposed to be working.
The only thing that gets me through is being gentle with myself. Don’t beat yourself up! This is hard stuff, we’ve never had to do anything like this as a society. The closest we have ever come is when individual families would have to quarantine for measles, and as a person born after the measles vaccine, I just grew up on stories of this–not believing it was really possible.
I think the fact that I have young children prevents me from being too mopey because I have to be active doing stuff for them so much. Although I definitely look at my phone waaay too much. That being said, I am upset today because it is my wedding anniversary and I didn’t get so much as a handmade card from my husband. I got him some socks and a card, not much but something to show I thought about him you know? And now he’s locked himself into the room to work while I’ve been trying all morning not to cry in front of the kids…
Thinking of you on your anniversary. It’s my anniversary, too. If we weren’t in a pandemic, I’d ride on over to your house and smack your husband upside the head with a clue-by-four.
I don’t get why people are so upset over graduation. Yes, it is a milestone, but it is one that they will probably have another of, if they attend college. Even trade schools have a little graduation. Where I live, the seniors make an appointment to go to the school and have the superintendent and/or principal personally hand you the diploma while posing for a professional picture. This is much better….no boring ceremony, no waiting for 500+ other students getting there names called…. and a good picture. There is no worry of hair going flat (or frizzy) and there makeup not sweating off during the longest ceremony ever. I actually feel worse about things they missed like prom, yearbook day, senior party etc.
When people complain and say “it’s not fair” my mom’s words always play in my head “life’s not fair, then you die”. It’s so true, very few things in life are “fair” sometime you get the short end of the stick, it sucks but you have to do your best in the situation and move on.
Also, I am glad I am not the only one that kind of gave up on eating correctly! I am kinda in the life is to short mentality lately.
Oldest is a junior in HS so I’m not sure how he’d feel if he didn’t get a grad ceremony but I’d be just fine. I attended grad ceremonies for HS, college, and grad school and can remember virtually nothing about any of them other than being incredibly hot and uncomfortable in the cap and gown at all three, being thrilled to get the hell out of HS, feeling hung over at college, and just glad to be finished at the grad school one. There are other things I would have missed far more than a grad ceremony.
I’ve found throughout this period of sheltering in place that most days I’m fine: just chugging along, making do, handling it. Then usually completely at random (although admittedly more often on rainy, crappy days) I suddenly have a massive dip in mood. Concentration is for crap, motivation is non existent, everything seems unmanageable and I fear we’re not going to make it. It’s definitely exacerbated when people “protest” completely reasonable health and safety measures because they are upset they can’t go wherever they want and are not permitted to pretend like we’re not still in the middle of a pandemic that sometimes feels like it will never go away because I live in a country with too many idiots (pant, pant, pant). However, talking to friends it seems like everyone has the same issue – things are fine and then they’re . . . not. I don’t have any advice just wanted to say that I feel this post in my heart and I’m a firm believer in eating what I want and doing what I need to do (within the available parameters) to keep me in a decent mental space.
I had more than a dip recently, I fell into a full, borderline non-functional, depressive episode this weekend after taking a child to the ER for an injury that had just.healed. and now has been set all the way back to the beginning which means a cast. For months. And it means all my plans and purchases for a lovely summer in our backyard are not possible. And when the crisis was over and everyone was cared for I just disintegrated. It was the proverbial straw. And I’m clawing my way back today. Also on no sleep because see above re: child in a cast and therefore pain. Also I go back to work next week. And I’m a single parent. Weep.
I’m going to go try the mayo grilled cheese sandwich.
Oh, Samantha, that sucks. So much. But, you are handling it – maybe not in the lifetime movie way, but you are. I hope you have some support in all this. And I hope it gets better quickly. And I hope you loved your sandwich.
Thinking of you all.
That is just the worst. My mom said once that it was like the car could tell when she had saved a few hundred dollars for something because it would inevitably break and need a repair. As an adult myself, I found it uncanny how the cost of the repair/appliance/medical bill was always just around the same amount that I would have saved. And all I was left with was trying to feel grateful that we even had the cash for it in the first place.
I hope you’re able to squeeze in a nap. Everything is better with a nap and a cookie. Or grilled cheese sandwich, in this case.
So sorry to hear that, Samantha!
I am in complete solidarity with you on the Glum and Droopy, Swistle! It’s awful.
I listened to this episode of the podcast Happier with Gretchen Rubin – number 273. It had Kate Bowler on it talking about the pandemic and how to cope. She was soothing and thoughtful, and I think you’d really like to hear what she had to say. She is immunocompromised from cancer. Kate starts at minute 14, but there are a few interesting suggestions before she comes on.
What I love about you, Swistle, is that you make everyone feel welcome. You take the time to consciously make people feel seen, and that there is no one right way to do things. It is a real gift you have with your writing. I’m sorry you’re feeling glum and droopy and I get it – the hospital, the post, the whole situation – but I hope your grilled cheese and soup helped. That’s an amazing comfort lunch so I hope it did its comfort job.
I’m sorry you are feeling glum and droopy. For what it’s worth, I think you write about weight in a very sane way, and I say that as a fat person.