Mother’s Day is over for another year, and I am glad. I wish to get rid of that holiday. It can be so fraught and complicated, for so many reasons.
And it feels impossible to complain about. Any complaint at all sounds like being ungrateful, or being demanding, or wanting the princess treatment, or not letting people choose their own way to show love, or not appreciating that I get to be a mother when so many people want to but can’t, or making too big a deal out of a holiday I don’t even like. And I feel like the potential for misunderstandings is just ENORMOUS—especially since everyone sees things through their OWN set of circumstances.
But I want to talk about it anyway. I saw a lot of conversations on Twitter yesterday that showed me that, among the MANY ways to have a fraught Mother’s Day, a lot of you are having similar experiences and similar feelings to mine, and I found those conversations very comforting to read: like, I am not the only one who cannot figure this out, and I am not the only one with a family like mine, and I am not the only one having these feelings about it. So I will tell you how it went for me, and I will tell you what I thought/felt about that, and I will also tell you what I have been doing in a (partly successful, partly not) attempt to mitigate all that.
I feel like I have very low standards for what constitutes a successful Mother’s Day. I don’t WANT people to spend money on me; I don’t WANT a big deal made over me; I CRINGE at the idea of being the center of attention at a brunch or other celebration. The only year I kicked up any fuss was the year my family did literally less than nothing: one of the kids asked Paul if they should make plans, and Paul shrugged that off, so not only did they do nothing, they DECIDED to do nothing, and furthermore Paul effectively PREVENTED there from being something. And then all that day I was seeing pictures on Facebook of other people’s families doing Mother’s Day things, and everywhere I went in my house there were messes left for me to handle, and I felt terrible and like a drudge and completely unloved, and I wanted to leave all those terrible ingrates in their self-made squalor and go away by myself, possibly permanently. That was the one year I made any complaint to the family, and I don’t feel I was out of line, or acting spoiled, or being demanding, or not letting people show love in their own way. I had set up an easy laid-back situation where the bare minimum would be plenty, and they had said “Eh, too much effort.”
Here are the ways it can make a mother feel, when Mother’s Day is apparently too hard for anyone to do anything about:
• Like maybe the reason no one is doing anything is that she is a bad mother. Near Mother’s Day, the internet is FULL of grown-ups talking about how Mother’s Day is hard for them because they had a terrible mother, and how they have to find alternate ways to appreciate / cope with the holiday. How many of those bad mothers don’t even KNOW they were bad mothers? Maybe SHE is a bad mother and doesn’t know it, and so asking for Mother’s Day to be celebrated just adds a new breathtaking layer of badness to her mothering.
• Like maybe she is not a BAD-bad mother, but definitely a mediocre/sub-par mother. And so then can’t you just picture this absolutely mediocre mother preening and waiting to be praised for her spectacular mothering on Her Whole Special Day? It’s embarrassing! Does she think she’s a mother like in the commercials and in all the online tributes, where her family loves her and WANTS to celebrate the day? CRINGE! Who’s going to tell her she is not that kind of mother?? I mean YIKES, this is AWKWARD.
• Like maybe she’s a perfectly fine mother as a person, and her intentions have been good, but her parental efforts are clearly ineffective, and all her years of lessons about gift-giving, thinking of what others might want, being considerate, having empathy—those have all completely failed. She’s a terrible teacher, obviously, and also no one wants to model their behavior after hers, obviously—and oh no, what OTHER of her teachings have the children completely failed to learn??
• Like maybe she is a perfectly fine mother as person, but her family doesn’t love her or care about her. And they never will. For whatever reason. She just doesn’t have that kind of family, that’s all.
Anyway. After the truly tanked Mother’s Day a few years ago, I came up with a three-part plan, and that’s what I’ve been doing since:
1. Set an example on Father’s Day. I was ALREADY doing this, but now I make A Big Pointed Point Of It. It’s too bad Father’s Day doesn’t come first: 11 months is a long time for a lesson to percolate. But it’s what we’ve got, so anyway on Father’s Day I go very heavy-handed about how we need to think about what Dad would like, and how we should think throughout the day of little things that might make the day feel a little more special for him. I talk about how some of the best gifts on such a day are gifts of SERVICE: let’s take his car to the car wash and use the fun super-powerful coin-operated vacuum cleaner there! let’s clean off the coffee table without being asked, since we know that’s a particular preference of his! And I talk about how some of the best gifts are gifts of DEFERENCE: let’s think about what HE might like best for dinner! let’s let HIM choose what we watch on TV! And I talk about how it’s not about spending a lot of money or buying big gifts or doing huge difficult things, but more about Thinking Of The Other Person, and Making The Day A Little Special: maybe while at the grocery store, pick up a bag of those lemon drops he likes; maybe bake some cookies or some other dessert we know he likes; maybe do some little task he usually does, so that he doesn’t have to do it. I then say to the children, “Okay, so what sort of thing appeals to each of you? Let’s each pick a thing we’re going to do for Dad.”
2. Make it clear ahead of time what I would like. I hate this. I hate having to do this. I feel like this can so easily be spun as filling out an order form, or like “My mother was so controlling and had to have things Exactly Her Way. She even TOLD US what to do for Mother’s Day!” But my family does not seem to be able to handle it on their own. And Paul does not seem able to take his one day per year to train the children in thoughtfulness and empathy, though Paul has many other fine qualities that may mean the decision to marry him was not a stupid one: for example he will spend dozens of hours patiently and cheerfully working with a child on a science project or a math assignment, tasks that after 30 seconds make me want to literally scream and cry. So he is able to teach, but apparently unable to teach THIS, so I will teach this and he will help with science projects.
3. Find ways to celebrate it myself. Put cream and hot-chocolate mix in my coffee. Deliberately skip all skippable chores: no laundry, no bathroom-cleaning, no wiping kitchen counters. Skip anything I don’t want to do and don’t have to do, even if it means I’ll just have to do those things the next day. Do more things I do want to do, like reading and napping and playing phone games and snacking and browsing online stores. Definitely have a treat with afternoon coffee. Wine with dinner. Etc.
I waited a bit this year to see if they would take the job on themselves so I could skip the second part of that plan, but it got close to Mother’s Day and I sensed no Secret Consults, so a few days ahead of time I said to Paul, “I don’t want to Fill Out An Order Form or whatever [that’s his family’s take on making wish lists, which is one of my family’s practices, so this is familiar shorthand], and if people already have their own plans, that’s great! it’s perfect! I love it!—but if people are TENSE about it, or think they have to BUY things (and especially in quarantine when that’s more difficult than usual), I can tell you some things I would very much enjoy that would not take money or much effort.” And Paul paused in a way that communicated “OhGodMother’sDay” and then said, very casually, “Why don’t you tell me?”
So I told him that what I would like was to have those canned Pillsbury orange cinnamon rolls for breakfast (in my family growing up, we had those for Special Occasions like birthdays and Mother’s/Father’s Day), and that I had already acquired a tube of them. That I would like us at some point during the day to go outside and take a photo of me with the kids. And that all day long I wanted to not have to nag anyone to do their chores, or remind them to put their dishes in the dishwasher. And that if, for example, the cat threw up, I wanted everyone to think, “Well, MOM shouldn’t have to handle that, not on MOTHER’S DAY!” Ditto for if the toilet paper roll ran out. And Paul cooks on Sunday nights anyway, but I wanted to get to choose which of his three rotating meals we would have, and I wanted to add a side of that garlic-herb bread-machine bread, but that I would make that. And then after dinner I wanted us to watch the movie Knives Out and eat popcorn. And as a BONUS item, but by no means would my happiness rest on it, it would be very pleasing to me if someone would make cookies.
Okay, please pause and evaluate that list of requests and tell me if you think it is demanding or princessy. I have not asked anyone to buy me anything. There is almost no extra effort, almost no additional chores; for the most part I am asking people ONLY to do the chores they were supposed to do ANYWAY, but without ME having to do the thing I ALREADY SHOULD NOT HAVE TO DO, which is nag them. I am mostly asking for things we ALL enjoy: the orange rolls, the movie, the popcorn, the cookies (the kids LIKE to bake cookies, and often ask to). I am asking for two gifts of deference: I want to get to choose the dinner among the three options, I want to get to choose the movie. I am also, by requesting that I not have to clean up cat barf, asking that the day be treated as if it is special for me.
Think about what each person has to do differently, to make me happy. VERY VERY LITTLE. Think of how many of the things I want are treats for them as well. ALMOST ALL.
Well. I had a fine Mother’s Day. I felt like I set a pretty low bar, and some of those things were still not met, but other things surpassed it; and the things that were not met are things I can address at Father’s Day and in the way I handle Mother’s Day next year. But here is what I found: for me, the reason Mother’s Day is such a fraught holiday is that it puts a spotlight on things that are usually just simmering on the back burner, or even simmering way off the stove, maybe in some back corner of the kitchen. As Mother’s Day approaches, I start noticing those things more because I am anticipating what might be about to happen on Mother’s Day and how I’m going to feel about those various possibilities; on Mother’s Day, I notice them a HUGE AMOUNT; and after Mother’s Day, it takes awhile to stop noticing them so much.
I am not discussing here what portion of the problem belongs to society and which parts to the participants; nor how those problems ought to be dealt with in society/households/individuals; nor how my own household could have been set up a different way to avoid any of them, nor how I could go back in time to change any of those things, nor how others would never allow such a situation to exist in their own, different households; nor how these issues might also affect, say, FATHERS, or OTHER HOLIDAYS, or whatever; I am talking here only about how Mother’s Day for me in my household (and for similar others in similar households) can bring certain things to my attention in a way that, for me, temporarily but dramatically increases unhappiness, making the holiday unpleasant. Here are some of those things, which of course will not apply in every household/family:
• The way communal/household tasks (changing the toilet paper roll, cleaning up cat barf) can fall disproportionately to us—with, in fact, other family members not even considering doing them, but just leaving them without even thinking about it, walking right past the same obvious-to-solve issue (such as something that has fallen to the floor but obviously does not belong there) again and again. So that on One Special Day per year, we might ask AS A SPECIAL TREAT for other people to change the toilet paper roll or clean up cat barf. What a very, very low bar.
• The way family members, when thinking of Nice Things They Could Do For Us, might choose chores that are not even our chores to do (e.g., a kid deciding to clean the Kid Bathroom, which is already the kids’ job to keep clean), leaving us to further unhappily ponder the way communal chores and in fact ALL chores seem to be seen as our domain, and that despite fairly rigorous teaching on this topic, chores assigned to other family members may have been misunderstood as “helping us with OUR chores” rather than rightfully pitching in with work that belongs to us all.
• The way it might happen in some households, for example mine, that the child who does think about Mother’s Day well in advance without being reminded, and who comes up with a thoughtful gift that is not “doing their own chore they had to do anyway,” is a girl. And while we know this will not be the case across the board, and that there are many thoughtful/considerate sons and many thoughtless/inconsiderate daughters, we might spend time thinking about gender roles in our society, and resenting them.
• The way we might trundle along automatically taking care of others in the household as well as ourselves, and do it as part of our role in the family (just as we might earn money for the whole family and not just for ourselves)—until the one day a year we have Opposite Day, or “Mother’s Day,” and find that EVEN ON THAT ONE DAY the other family members won’t take care of us: that our treat is that they will take SOME care of THEMSELVES. Our treat is that we get some time to take care of our own selves, and we get to take somewhat less care of them.
• The way family members might pat themselves mightily on the back, and expect vast praise from others, for doing on one single day per year the things they ought to be doing regularly.
• The way it turns out SO MANY THINGS work well ONLY because we are reminding or pre-planning—so that, for example, if we deliberately stay out of a task to let others handle it for a day, it can be like one of those stupid “a MAN tries to be the MOM!!” movies, or a Family Circus comic. Perhaps we say that we would love to have garlic-herb bread-machine bread with dinner, and that we will make it ourselves; but the others say “Ah-ah-ah, it’s Mother’s day, so WE will make the bread!!”—but then the time to start the bread machine comes and goes, and we are not nagging/interfering and so we say nothing, and so at dinner there is no garlic-herb bread-machine bread.
• The way we might communicate clearly and reasonably, and not be listened to.
• The way we might have small wants and low expectations, smaller and lower than anyone else’s in the family, and still not have those met.
• The scalding outrage of the crumbs, the CRUMBS, that we might gratefully accept as symbols of appreciation and love. Things that are routine, normal, daily, thoughtful things for us to do for our family members, are special treats for us one day a year, and that’s something we might write glowing reports of for others to read. The fact of this situation. The fact that it is not rare.
I feel like Mother’s Day can be an Exception Proves the Rule sort of day, making many mothers feel much worse, and highlighting the ways in which our usual efforts go generally unappreciated, and the ways in which our culture still kind of sucks. And I had a perfectly fine Mother’s Day for it being Mother’s Day, but it’s Mother’s Day itself I don’t like and don’t know how to cope with but can’t opt out of it either.
Preach.
I was thinking of you all day yesterday, and thinking of this, and I just want to say how much I really feel what you’re saying here.
XOXOXOXO
I don’t like Special Occasion Holidays that focus on one person. It always feels weird and cheesy and forced and a build up with big expectations that never get met and I feel like it’s stress on everyone. Sign me RIGHT ON UP for Christmas, Easter, Valentine’s Day, Anniversaries! They feel so festive! Big Family Celebrations! But I cringe for a solid week before my own birthday and Mother’s Day.
I think it’s because my mom would always get ANGRY on her birthday and Mother’s Day growing up – the simmering resentment you talked about is the likely reason.
BUT now I’m a mom and an adult and I chose to do BASICALLY NOTHING yesterday and it was fabulous. I didn’t have to put the baby down for her nap or bedtime and I got to pick which takeout we got for dinner, and that was it. And it was lovely! And I asked for both things! Most of the day was spent working with my husband on his resume and cover letter and I liked it! Taking all the pressure out of the holiday to do Something Special made it actually nice.
I agree 1000% with all of this, and I had a perfectly fine Mother’s Day, but I do not like it, ever, every year. I had a friend text me and she said, every woman on earth has to deal with mom shit. Thank you for being friends with me. That was my favorite present all day. Just that text.
Absolutely. I took up the lead to say last week, let’s order a spring flower planter for curbside pick-up at the newly opened nursery for our mothers for Mother’s Day, and my husband said “oh yeah, that’s already this weekend..m” clearly not thinking about it previously AT ALL and thus having no plan (we have a 3-year-old and a 4-week-old new baby but my husband has been off work all four weeks since having the baby and only began working from home again today). I ordered a 3rd planter FOR MYSELF and sort of made a statement about how “I will count this as my mother’s day flowers”…….. And he sort of had the three-year-old draw me a card (though it was handed to me on Saturday)….
Honestly, it felt like not much at all special was done for me. We delivered the planters to our parents homes for a socially distant well-wish… He did make a dinner I like, but I requested it… He really never thought about mother’s day and let me take the complete lead on it for myself and I just didn’t really feel acknowledged. Which is emotional when also only four weeks post-partum.
Quarantine or not…. It would have been nice to even NOTICE it was going to be mother’s day month and maybe think of it ONCE.
At Valentine’s Day we discussed not really doing much, saving money, and I still gave him a small box of chocolates. He did the literally nothing route, except I asked if he would do something for me… I know I shouldn’t complain because men are just so literal…but this is a pattern of him going ahead and doing NOTHING rather than even a small, easy, ordered-online-if-you-want little surprise for these events…
I agree with you, this holiday is just leaving me feeling frustrated and then guilty for feeling like that, and I wish it would just go away, too, then.
It sounds like you ALSO took the lead in pleasing HIS mother, which adds insult to injury!
Yes, definitely, he would have done nothing. I ordered the flowers, told him the plan, made a quick homemade Happy Mother’s Day sign to put on the planter in lieu of a store-bought card, and I even had to take the initiative to say he should fall his mother before we showed up to drop it on her doorstep to give her a heads up and say Happy Mother’s Day! I did everything. He doesn’t even seem to care one iota either… Ugh. (She doesn’t have a daughter, so I do tend to do this sort of thing for my MIL and she and I fortunately get along very well BUT STILL).
I actually cried reading this because it is all so, so true. I am happy, happy! to have a very small mother’s day with very few requests, but it does lead me directly to think about how these things that are “treats” for me are things they get by default from me 364 days of the year, and that can certainly make me bitter. We don’t do anything special at all for Valentine’s Day or even our anniversary and I’m totally cool with that. So why is it that Mother’s Day makes me so fretty and sad? Sigh.
Oh yes. Oh yes. When doing laundry yesterday I slammed the lid of the washer a little more forcefully than strictly necessary. Jim, from the other room where he was doing a puzzle: “Oh do you need help with your laundry?”
Me, seething with fury about the whole “all chores are assumed to be MY chores/doing chores is perceived as ‘helping mom’ ” thing: “NO. The laundry needs to be done and I am DOING it. But I do not need help with MY laundry.”
Nicely summarized.
The chore things. EXACTLY.
So, Sarah, do you need us to help you move a body?
Lol ButtercupDC. I have been watching alot of Netflix so Sarah, I can help too!!
And not to brag, but I have a very nice shovel.
Are there people who manage to come up with something perfect on Mother’s Day or birthdays or anniversaries but are not nearly as good the rest of the year? I feel like this is just a chance for nice people to be extra nice and slackers to show how thoroughly they slack.
I had a nice Mother’s Day, but I still remember one way back, when the kids were being generally atrocious and one of them actually asked me if I was having a nice Mother’s Day. Why? Because you gave me a card your teacher (a woman!) had you make at school and have spent the rest of the day treating me like the staff?
My kids are boys and they made an effort yesterday, but it is the result of dumb luck (I got kids who are teachable) and a lot of effort (because I had no interest in turning self-absorbed tools into the world, and heaven knows society as a whole — or even the bulk of my extended family — is not giving the kind of backup I’d like).
Your post brings up so much about society and gender roles that I find myself frustrated… which starts a spiral. I know this isn’t possible with Covid, but I’m wondering if you can do something for yourself. Like call a friend and make a plan to go to brunch, shopping, a movie, and a glass of wine before returning home. That way, you won’t be cleaning the cat vomit because you won’t be home. Or changing the toilet roll. Or plan a girls weekend away. By shaking up the routine so dramatically, you might get a different kind of attention on this issue. Or perhaps, do these things on Father’s Day and let the family figure out the celebration all on their own.
Maybe it is all a bad idea. or maybe it won’t work for you. But know that your frustration is felt and understood deeply.
I was thinking exactly this. If we are out and about in 2021, perhaps book a 4.5 star hotel for the weekend.
Really luxe yourself all the way out.
You are resonating with me so hard. I have realized that I would rather skip this dumb holiday altogether! All I want for one day is for other people to think of me before themselves -or AT ALL- which is what it feels like I do every single day the rest of the year. And every unmet expectation leads to suppressed (or not so much) hurt and/or rage. And Mother’s Day is the 1st holiday in a string of important days in our family including our anniversary and my husband’s birthday and then Father’s Day… And every year I’m finding it harder and harder to even try to make those days special, because even though I have done years upon years of modeling that you talked about, it doesn’t sink in.
This year the kids were reminded the morning of mothers day and made me homemade cards, which was nice. I had bought myself a gift because I did not sense anything happening… so there was no effort on their part there. We had pizza for lunch which I don’t really like, but I didn’t have to cook. And pancakes for breakfast – again not a favorite of mine… After lunch dh did send me out to my hammock chair( the gift I bought myself😂) with a drink so that was something but it required very little on his part and the chore that I was in the middle of when that happened was UNFINISHED when I came back inside.
Complaining about all this makes me feel bad, but in truth all I wanted was some sort of effort and that expectation being unmet is enough to cause a simmering resentment for some time to come.
The fact that your DH put in no effort to finish your chore that he interrupted is making me incandescently angry.
And your requests sound VERY reasonable and also like a really good day.
Yesterday was terrible. Just TERRIBLE. It was the first Mother’s Day I’ve had that has been terrible, but WOW it was a rocket ship to terrible. I think generally it’s that I feel so much resentment in general during this time. Typically my husband and I both work, but I work much less, so as part of that manage the HELP we need so that I can work some- childcare, cleaners, life chores, everything. The domestic stuff outside of those realms is then about 60% mine, but because I have help, I generally feel fine (not cheerful, but fine). But now we have no help, and both my husband and I are working a TON more but his is essential work and so I am doing everything else. INCLUDING FULL TIME CHILDCARE FOR TINY CHILDREN AS I WORK. I am so overwhelmed and so sad and yesterday I cried and just kept thinking “Being a mom is the fucking worst gig I’ve ever signed up for. A card aint gonna cut it.” I feel ungrateful and depressed. I feel like a princess upset about how hard it is to be a princess. But truly, the worst day. I felt so much relief today knowing it was behind me.
I understand this all very much, even though I had a really nice mother’s day. But I wanted to share something that I think is brilliant, yet I can never picture myself doing: my friend has, for many many years and long before she was a mother herself, planned a girls’ trip over Mother’s Day weekend to Vegas. She and her friends aren’t big gamblers but they lounge at the pool, eat and drink ridiculously, sometimes do a show or a club at night, and enjoy the most ridiculous Sunday brunch at one of the casino hotels. She has never had one iota of guilt about enjoying this day in neither her own mother’s company, nor with her children. They were so bummed to have to cancel this year what with the virus and all, but they all agree it’s the best way to spend Mother’s Day that exists.
My friends and I have done the same and it’s WONDERFUL. This year it didn’t happen and we were all so bummed.
This: “…it’s Mother’s Day itself I don’t like and don’t know how to cope with but can’t opt out of it either.”
I cannot articulate properly how I feel about Mother’s Day but this line pretty much nails it. I don’t like a fuss, AND I know that if I did want a fuss I would have to not only ask for a fuss but explain what, exactly, such fuss should entail. And this is a made-up holiday! It’s not Christmas, or my birthday, or an anniversary; it’s a holiday created by the Corporate Capitalist Greeting Card and Gift Conglomerate Industry. WHY CAN’T WE JUST IGNORE IT.
Not to mention there ARE a lot of people for whom this day brings actual grief for whatever reason. I feel so badly for them! Imagine how much THEY would like to opt out of this day, or stay in bed under the covers, or move to a different country for just one day to get away from it. Ugh. UNSUBSCRIBE.
I am one of those moms who is genuinely overwhelmed by grief on mother’s day, and the letdown that it is now that my own mom is dead just compounds the pain. When she was alive, she and I would spend the day together – fancy lunch, massages, picnic, shopping …
Now I get slapdash homemade cards and a choking fog of grief. And nothing else.
Like so many other days, I wish it could just be cancelled, because after her, it’s just dry and desolate. And deeply disappointing.
Thinking of you.
I am so sorry. Sending you internet hugs. <3
Our family lands pretty heavily on gifts of service and deference. The person being celebrated makes reasonable-ish requests of what they want other people to do for them, or movie/food choices, and you must (cheerfully? quietly?) acquiesce because it’s their day.
HOWEVER, my family right now is just my 13-year-old daughter, and me. For better or worse she’s basically my carbon copy, so it’s not so much active teaching as just…downloading my brain into a smaller person. So that works for us right now. When I was still with her dad he would not listen when I made it clear that I never want jewelry or flowers. But then I ended up being resentful of RECEIVING FLOWERS, which was a gross feeling.
Yes! I’ve told my husband for years that instead of flowers, I would like for him to do some work around house. Years. And yet, I end up being the ungrateful witch who doesn’t go crazy over the flowers he buys. At least he remembered not to buy a vase that I will have to donate, and I did thank him for putting them in a glass himself. Oh well.
I had a low-key, pretty nice Mother’s Day. I was brought a waffle and coffee in bed, where I watched an episode of Nadiya’s Time to Eat. This was very nice, and I didn’t ask for it…THIS year. I have in the past, and my husband remembered, which was nice. He listens! He ran interference with the kids, keeping the 12-year-old from bringing one of his Math Problems He Likes to Ponder to me for discussion before I even got up; he took the 2-year-old outside to swing so he wouldn’t hassle me out of bed, as per usual; the 7-year-old brought me a note that he wrote of his own accord, because he is the thoughtful, demonstrably affectionate one. We got my preferred takeout for dinner. My husband made my sandwich for lunch.
And yet! My husband mentioned he’d had a morning debriefing with them saying that the best thing they could do for me was to not bicker and fight for the whole day, or be fussy. This largely happened, for which I am grateful. But again, this isn’t a very high bar. How much of it is expecting kids to prematurely flower into the considerate humans we’re hoping for? How much of it is society making a big show of Appreciating Mothers except society doesn’t do anything to really appreciate mothers besides say, once a year, “we appreciate mothers!”?
I think that’s what makes the day fraught for me, though this year was much less so. It’s the social pressures to put on a show, when we all know it’s just a show. But we mothers are so disproportionately responsible for the running of the family that we really ARE thrilled by the low bars being hopped, and can’t contain our disproportionate delight at being tossed the crumbs.
The bulletpoints at the end. YES.
My dog puked in 3 areas of the house yesterday. I did not have to clean it up. Yay!! I think he may have puked because no one fed him any breakfast. Because that is MY job and I was enjoying “sleeping in” waiting for brunch. But a thrill to not clean up pet puke on my “special day.”
Hugs, Swistle. Now, I know TP choices are personal, and currently limited. But here’s a suggestion that could lead to less frequent resentment, if not less resentment total: 1000 sheet TP. It needs to be changed much less often (though I don’t feel resentful about changing it, I only want to avoid fiddling with the stupid spring loaded spindle more then I have to). I know some people don’t like 1000 sheet, but if someone DARES COMPLAIN, you can invite them to purchase and install their own TP.
second this comment. Hubby complains it’s too thin but it lasts FOREVER and the kids use two yards whether its single or triple ply so single ply/1000 squares it is! Wish I had that type pre pandemic :)
Yesterday sucked, but in my case it was definitely due to quarantine related reasons, rather than fraught relationships. I want to go to the zoo/park/outing for Mother’s Day, it’s what we do, and it wasn’t an option, which made me sad.
So usually my husband takes the kid to buy a gift, but that wasn’t available this year. So he told him to make a card……the 12 year old said, NO……my husband called him a disappointment….end scene. So not thinking of it is fine for me, but the outright refusing to do it is hurtful. And the husband refusing to parent him through it…..whew.
But, see, if I knew someone in my family loved going to the zoo and couldn’t, I would come up with a substitute. Like, put together a series of videos of penguins and otters and elephants. That we could watch while having zoo snacks.
I would make the effort to make sure the person was not totally disappointed, is my point. I would acknowledge the small, reasonable desires of the people I love most in the world.
“Opposite Day”
Yes.
I bought myself a set of plates.
Hi Swistle, Wow! You wrote *exactly* what I was thinking. I’m saving this to read next May. I also love reading the great comments. A weekend getaway without the family sounds like a win-win situation to me. I’m glad you had an okayish day yesterday. :)
I had my best Mother’s Day yet this year. And it’s because I’m single, so there is nobody to be resentful of anymore. My children sleep through the night now so I got to sleep. I front loaded my weekend with chores and decided not to be mad about the chores I did do Sunday. I spent last year grieving and resenting the end of my marriage and now I’m mostly past that and consciously chose to be past it on Sunday. My children were largely pleasant and respected my wishes and boundaries so I patted myself on the back for clearly amazing parenting lol. I expected nothing so was pleased with the birdhouse my ex had the children paint. I expected no help so was fine without any. I expected the children to be normal so was pleased when a reminder of the day magically gave me compliance and good attitudes. I don’t know where I’m going with this. It stinks that the best we seem to be able to say is well, expect shit and then if it doesn’t happen holidays don’t suck so hard?
This. So much all of this. ALL THE FEELINGS listed.
I am divorced, and my kids (11 and 13) were with their dad the week prior, and he clearly did nothing to encourage them to celebrate or appreciate me at all. We had a somewhat acrimonious divorce and he now clearly, CLEARLY, in front of the kids, wants nothing to do with me, which I am sure put the kibosh on either of them asking him for help in doing anything for me. FINE. ALL FINE. I do not expect anything from him either on his own behalf, or on behalf of the kids.
BUT! I picked them up on Friday and we talked about the upcoming weekend and the fact that Sunday was Mother’s Day and they both had ALL DAY SATURDAY to come up with something, anything…and nothing. My son did come up with a hastily done card in pencil after we were on the phone with my own mother and she said, totally unsuspectingly, So! Did you get any cards or gifts today! And I had to say no, I didn’t. Awkward. My daughter left me a note at bedtime to say sorry I didn’t get you anything, not even a card (after seeing how sad I was that night). We did talk about it today and I just said I hope you’ve learned something. (Although, clearly am sub-par mother whose many, MANY teachings and examples of doing for others, giving gifts, being considerate, etc HAVE NOT CLICKED IN YET…so, we’ll see). Father’s Day is coming up and you can for damn sure bet I am going to say SO KIDS, what can you do for Dad when you see him on Sunday? How about making a card? Etc. TAKING THE HIGH ROAD.
I did get the kids to take a photo with me. I guess that is my very, VERY low bar. Or crumb, if you will.
My Mother’s Day situation for the past several years has been complicated by the fact that I live with a partner who is neither my spouse nor the father of my daughter so expectations there are understandably low (plus his own mother is incredibly high maintenance about every holiday so he has enough to deal with and we usually end up making the day about her).
My daughter’s dad and I don’t get along so he has never bothered to get involved since we divorced when she was two. So! Typically a pretty depressing non-event, which is probably true for most single moms of younger kids.
But this year my daughter (14) used an Amazon gift card she was given for a school thing to order me Twizzlers (my favorite candy) online! All on her own! Of course, they didn’t arrive in time because Amazon (I was actually sad for her that it didn’t work out as planned) but the effort was very touching!
Your post is so many things I never even thought to articulate! My day was fine but only because I had my birthday last month and was seriously disappointed and expressed that. Like one commenter said, some men can be so literal. I ordered some gifts for myself online and so said I didn’t really need anything. On my birthday of course I didn’t receive any sort of gift. I got a homemade card which was great. The only thing I had asked for – time to myself – I also barely received. I think I got to sleep in, that’s it. My husband spent most of the day working even though his hours are flexible (because he is self employed). So a few days later I said well I sure hope Mother’s Day goes better! My husband made a point of asking me what I wanted and I said flowers or chocolate would be nice and I actually wanted TIME TO MYSELF. Thankfully for Mother’s Day I got to sleep in, I took a nap later too, I got chocolates and a magazine, in addition to cards. I think we deserve these things! Definitely not going to feel bad for asking because these things don’t get thought of by anyone else. Finally, although it was pretty good my husband did also pull out the “you’re not my mother” card which I doubled back to him by saying “remember that when Father’s Day rolls along!”
I got a “Happy Mother’s Day” from both kids. That’s it. Whatever. I didn’t get either grandmother anything because I’m a failure at gifts and didn’t think about it until it was too late.
My husband kind of rocked Mother’s Day without really doing anything or planning ahead. I got 10 mins of extra sleep (with toddlers, that counts) then woke up to a breakfast I love that he hates to make / clean up after. He remembered to say Happy Mother’s Day! Then he asked me how I’d like to spend the day, so I suggested we walk downtown and windowshop, and we did.
I felt remembered, and considered, and cared for. Which is all any of us really want.
Let’s see, 2 weeks ago I saw something that I would like and said something along the lines of “Wow! It’s like this was made for me!” Husband said, “Send me the link and the kids will figure out what they are getting you for Mother’s Day.” They ordered exactly what I linked to and it arrived before Mother’s Day. Neither child wished me Happy Mother’s Day until prompted and did not remember they had gotten me gifts until my mom asked what they had gotten me. They hurriedly threw it in a gift bag and presented it to me. We played a board game that I legitimately won and husband implied he let me win because it was Mother’s day, even though I was not his mom. Husband did not plan ahead for dinner and had to go to the store to get food instead of thinking ahead and asking me to buy it when I went to the store on Friday. So I guess it was ok, but could have been better.
This was my first mother’s day (I have a four month old) and had the strange and slightly frustrating situation of my wonderful MIL venmo-ing my husband a not small amount of money to make my first mother’s day extra special. My husband immediately told me about the money in a sort of “oh yeah! Mother’s day! What should I do about this?” fashion not pausing to consider making decisions about this himself. So now there are TWO women in his life telling him how to handle mother’s day, including his own mother! Who I always shop for on mother’s day! It made me wish that times were different and I would suggest that his mother and I go out and enjoy a nice meal alone and cut him out of this weird mother’s day circle. In the end I bought myself some jewelry and I ordered my favorite type of pizza and happily ate WAY MORE slices than my husband and allowed myself to not feel selfish about it. My husband is wonderful
in so many ways but I guess I wish he would take a bit more innitiative instead of waiting for someone else (usually a woman) to tell him what to do. Ultimately I guess a prefer how things went to the possible alternative: him accepting the money and purchasing something that I don’t really like or want as a surprise.
I feel this. I really feel this.
The thing that bothers me about Mother’s Day, I think, is how it underscores how invisible I am — the work I do that is completely unseen, and how I can literally change the color of my hair and no one even notices. So along comes Mother’s Day, and I am supposed to be happy when my husband says, “but you’re my queen and every day is Mother’s Day!” (do not get. me. started.), and then he turns around and asks me what I’m cooking for supper.
The changing the color of the hair thing actually happened to me ten years ago. I dyed my hair and my husband….did not notice at all. I hope you told your husband that whatever was going to be cooked for dinner would be cooked by him for the next few weeks.
I said to him, “…. IT’S MOTHER’S DAY,” to which he replied, “so you don’t want to cook?”
Of the meal which followed, not much can be said except that I returned to cooking the next day to the vast relief of my children.
OMG. This is why my parents insisted on me cooking dinner once a week when I was a kid, and I’ve required my son to do the same (up until he got a job cooking at a Tropical Smoothie). What would happen if you got seriously ill and couldn’t cook? Dude needs to step up.
I’m a single mom with an 11 month old, but my mom got me flowers which was really nice. We both got each other gifts that did not arrive on time due to shipping delays. My mom is very into gifts/holidays in general so I’m sure she will always do something for me on Mother’s Day until my son is older. For my mom, my brother and I get her a gift or take her out to dinner … we have always done something as adults, but I can’t really remember as kids. I’m sure there were family get togethers with the grandparents.
Could you get your mom to make Mother’s Day better? Maybe she could get your kids to do something nice. Do you typically see your mom on Mother’s Day?
My husband and kids (9 and 6) are still being pretty thoughtful for Mother’s Day, and in fact this year, even though I said I really didn’t have any expectations because of quarantine and would be fine with whatever they wanted to do and/or make (while secretly being thrilled we wouldn’t have to get together with my in-laws), my husband planned to take the kids out on Saturday so I could have time to myself, and then pick up a fancy dinner, curbside, from one of my favorite restaurants. Breakfast in bed for Sunday was in the works, as was the only thing I really wanted, which was for someone other than me to help my kids with piano practice. And then Saturday night, after my nice dinner, halfway through my movie pick (George of the Jungle), my husband came down with a fever! And all hell broke loose! We have been isolating for weeks, with infrequent and, in my husband’s case, super short trips to the grocery store and basically nowhere else, except for my husband’s solo bike rides through our fairly quiet neighborhood. Our very sizeable city has, like, 122 confirmed cases of Covid-19, and of the two of us, my husband is definitely the bigger germaphobe, washes his hands constantly, leaves the mail to sit in the garage for days, wipes down the groceries, etc. We have no idea what is happening, but after running around with our (lone) bottle of bleach cleaner and spraying down a bunch of surfaces, he started quarantining in our bedroom Saturday night. I spent Mother’s Day bringing HIM meals on a tray left outside the bedroom door, consoling my weeping children over Mother’s Day being “cancelled” (they couldn’t even give me the cards they made, because my husband stashed them in his desk and none of us are allowed to touch his desk now) and Daddy being unavailable for hugs, worrying about how I would ever make it as a widow when I don’t even have a job, and, yes, helping my kids with piano practice. Which just goes to show that even with the day set to exceed expectations, it still managed to disappoint.
I hope he’s recovering.
Please update us! Sending you all love from a Swistle stranger.
Thank you! As of today, he has been fever free for 24 hours and is feeling much more normal. He has a Covid test scheduled for Friday, but unless the fever or other symptoms (re)appear, we’ll probably cancel it, because the nurse said with no symptoms, it’s likely to show up negative either way. We don’t really understand how he could have caught anything with the massive amounts of social distancing, hand washing, and disinfecting going on around here, but we’re feeling more confident that it is a fluke illness and not the plague. Been an interesting couple of days for sure.
I will mention for those interested that testing is absolutely not as easy to get as it should be by now, and that many of the health professionals my husband talked to discouraged it because “all it can do is tell you if you have it, it doesn’t change the treatment recommendations.” I would contend that KNOWING you have it and wondering if you could possibly have it but thinking it unlikely absolutely change one’s behavior and that of one’s entire family, but I am not a health professional, so.
Okay, that whole “with no symptoms, it’s likely to show up negative either way” is completely false. How does this nurse think we even know about all the symptomless carriers? Because people with no symptoms at all were tested and the results came back positive!
And yes, you’re totally right. Even if his treatment is the same, the degree to which he should be isolated to make sure he doesn’t pass it on is one of the major reasons testing happens! What is WITH these medical professionals?!?!
Thank you for writing this I can relate so much. Every year, even when it Is not totally terrible the day, Mother’s Day is an annual slap in the face reminder of all the work and effort I do around the home to make everyone else’s life easier and how seemingly invisible it is.
Let’s see…for Mother’s Day this year, I:
-bought a card for his mom, had the kids sign it, and I mailed it to her
-arranged to FaceTime his dad and stepmom in the afternoon
-bought my own mom a present and dropped it off in her garage three days before Mother’s Day so she could let it quarantine before opening it
-received a “card” from my 5yo daughter (which was cute, despite being hastily made that morning after, the night before, I had straight up told my husband that I expected him to remind her (a FIVE YEAR OLD, who CANT READ A CALENDAR BY HERSELF) that it was Mother’s Day….)
-chose what takeout we got for dinner, and picked it up myself since going out of the house is a Special Treat these days
-generally relaxed-ish, as much as possible when quarantined with a 5yo and 1.5yo. Slept in, didn’t have to put baby down for nap or prepare food, got dibs on the Nintendo, etc.
It was fine. It was not a bad Mother’s Day. The break from chores was nice, although I did have to get up at 7:30am to give the cat’s backside a bath — but I got to go back to bed after, so it’s fine???
It’s better than my birthday, at least, the day when the pandemic was declared, our state shut down, and I returned from a business trip to find that my family had not so much as gotten/made me a card, let alone a gift, and my special birthday dinner was postponed indefinitely, and no one had made a cake…. that was one of the worst birthdays ever. So! At least it wasn’t that!
The best part of Mother’s Day this year was my sister’s gift to our mom, which was a zoom meeting between the three of us where we played board games online. I got to hang out in my office with my mom and sister, and I didn’t have to worry about my kids. I mean…we purposefully scheduled it so it would be during the toddler’s nap, and I gave the 5yo free rein on Animal Crossing, but it still counts, right?
Wait, why are you giving the cat’s backside a bath on mother’s day? And why are you buying presents for your husband’s mom and stepmom? But yes, it counts.
I feel terrible saying this… I’m glad my kids aren’t in school right now because I hate the Mother’s Day art projects they do. My husband and I don’t usually exchange gifts for anything. Our take is that we shouldn’t wait for a “special day” to show our appreciation. Do it if you feel it, when you feel it. Still, that special day is disappointingly necessary to remind people they might be taking you for granted.
My 8yo son wished me Happy Mother’s Day after my husband reminded him. My 11yo daughter said nothing. Truthfully, it wasn’t bad at all. I’ve been regularly keeping my husband informed of my mental state since isolation, so he knew I was just DONE with being thisclose to the kids all day every day. 11yo spent the day extra-isolating in her room. 8yo went out to the woods with Dad. I binged season 2 of Dead to Me (last episode felt surprisingly appropriate for Mother’s Day) while drinking a couple wine coolers. It was pretty much what I always want on Mother’s Day: a break from being “Mom, in charge of everybody’s everything.”
I believe I already mentioned the Bundt pan I had long coveted and ordered for myself for Mother’s Day. Six days ago UPS received it at their warehouse 20 minutes from my house, and have been sitting on it, not delivering it, ever since. So it wasn’t here in time for Mother’s Day.
I don’t super-love the necessity of choosing and ordering my own gifts, but I vastly prefer it to feeling bad about not liking something someone else chose, or even not getting anything. And this year was especially fun because I’ve been stuck in the house and doing some online shopping was a pleasant diversion. Also, we ordered curbside pickup for dinner and I got to choose where we ordered from and what my meal was.
Uh oh, I was just about to say that my husband’s mother has passed so I don’t have to worry about a Mother’s Day gift for anyone but my mom… and that made me realize that I didn’t even call my stepmother on Mother’s Day this year! Normally I try to bring her a gift on Mother’s Day weekend, even if I see my mom on the Sunday. Off to make a call…
This is mighty. I hate Mother’s Day, have always hated Mother’s Day. My own mother was always angry on Mother’s Day, and we were always baffled. My Dad arranged nothing, and we kids had zero money but we would make cards, (when we were older and had some money we would buy flowers), but it was Never Enough and she would lock herself in her room.
I never wanted to do that to my kids. I keep my expectations very low and very loudly announced, all I want is a handmade card or picture from the kids. I don’t want big spending or big fuss. It still didn’t happen, though. Sunday afternoon my husband printed those fill-in Mother’s day sheets and had the kids do them. A token gesture, at best. Otherwise it was business as usual – Mom handles everything.
There must be a way of abolishing this stupid day.
I know people think of Mother’s Day as a “made up holiday”, but there’s some really interesting history on it in Heather Cox Richardson’s newsletter from this past Sunday. I highly recommend reading it. https://heathercoxrichardson.substack.com/p/may-9-2020
“Mothers’ Day”—with the apostrophe not in the singular spot, but in the plural—actually started in the 1870s, when the sheer enormity of the death caused by the Civil War and the Franco-Prussian War convinced American women that women must take control of politics from the men who had permitted such carnage. Mothers’ Day was not designed to encourage people to be nice to their mothers. It was part of women’s effort to gain power to change modern society.”
I feel like this sort of movement would be a good thing these days too in light of Covid-19 and the rush by old white men to “open up the economy”.
My recognition for Mother’s Day entailed having company while I did yard work (tedious “deep-clean” weeding) rather than doing it all by myself.
I did not sing it from the social media rooftops.
I appreciated my husband’s self-awareness on Mother’s day this year. Our kids are still fairly young, and so we are still at the stage where what I want most is time off. He did really well, but he also knows he can miss things that seem obvious to me. Several times he checked in and asked “is there anything I should be doing?” I appreciated both the effort that he was making and the direct opening. I would not have appreciated it as much if he hadn’t been truly trying to see it himself, but in conjunction it was perfect.
I think often about how many people on the internet talk about how terrible their mother was, how she was just a toxic person, a narcissist. But many people ALSO say “you are a great mom! The best mom for your kid!” And how can they both be true?? Am I one of the toxic narcissist moms that will be estranged from my kids? How many moms have no idea they are bad moms? Are they the same people the internet is telling are good moms???
I ordered some fancy local jams which were awesomely delivered to my porch since the farmer’s market is closed, and packed up a box to mail them to my mom, along with an almost-full tub of lysol wipes and some hand sanitizer because I packed up my classroom recently and had extras, but then I called my dad for their new address (they moved last week) and was told mom didn’t WANT ANYTHING that she would have to pack and move, so I should not send anything! Even though I was going to send to the new address, on purpose, so she would not need to move them! Any even though they are sort of mothers-day-housewarming-combo-gifts!
So I just sent the card I was going to put in the box, and wrote a note instead that her goodies would come later once she had settled. And then I called on Sunday, and the card had not come!! Or maybe they are not getting mail yet at the new address- but they saw the mailman- but maybe they have to change their address?
Anyway.
The fancy jams are still sitting all packed up in a box on my kitchen table and will go in the mail on Monday so they have plenty of time to figure out how to receive mail.
I also ASKED MY BOYFRIEND when I was ordering the fancy jams if he might like to get some to send to his mom too, since I was already having some delivered, and he said no he had another plan… guess who I caught ordering BELATED MOTHER’S DAY JAMS today??? :eyeroll: