It’s been one month and one day since our household started quarantine/isolation/stay-at-home. The buzz has worn off, as of approximately yesterday. Yesterday I thought it might just be a regular low/down day, but then this morning I woke up full-on discouraged and floppy. I listened to the news and heard that our president is still itching to “re-open the country” before we have anything near adequate testing or treatment. The gap between now and January is too wide, and already that narrowing gap was a very optimistic thing to be counting on. My mental imagery is of a plane going down: we can’t reach the runway in time, and it’s always been possible the runway wasn’t even there.
I heard that a lot of people got their stimulus checks yesterday; we haven’t been able to log into our account to see. When I say “we,” I mean Paul, who kept trying and trying until I suggested we maybe NOT do that, since we don’t need to know THIS VERY MINUTE and obviously the site is overloaded. We’re going to use our check to continue to pay our housecleaners not to come. That is, we were going to pay them anyway, but that is how we are mentally allocating it. Somewhere in the recesses of my flopping, exhausted, discouraged brain: “so lucky! you are so extremely lucky!” To have a bank where the check can be automatically deposited. To be able to wait to see if the check is there, because the need for it isn’t urgent. To be able to spend it without having to decide between rent and food and medical care. To be able to spend it on something optional.
Thinking about people who can’t buy groceries because they can’t find them AND CAN’T PAY FOR THEM is. Well. It is as terrible as always, multiplied by pandemic. We can all do what we can to help, but individual donations to charity don’t even come close to meeting the need, and it gets discouraging to be a bunch of individuals trying to pick up the slack of an ENTIRE GOVERNMENT. As a former Christian, it is even more maddening to know FULL WELL what Christianity specifically and extensively instructs Christians to do for the poor/sick/oppressed/refugee, and see a government claiming to be Christian but ignoring all of those instructions, and in fact actively making things much, much, much worse for the poor/sick/oppressed/refugee.
We have so little power, as individual citizens, despite all the pep talk about how we can change the world or whatever. I hope we can keep that in mind when we see things happening in other countries and wonder why the citizens “let” it happen. Bad people look for power, and they get it by whatever methods work for them, that is how this happens. We can try to make some little bits of good despite the bad, and that’s about it. I mean, let’s still do that, we should definitely still do that. But it’s discouraging to see how little we can do from the cabin to affect the falling airplane, or to change what’s going on in the cockpit.
(Alternate title for this post: “What If Just as an Experiment We Tried a Cockpit Without a Cock In it.”)
I’m with you. I read this right after donating part of my check to a local food bank, which made me feel a little bit better but not much, really. Yesterday afternoon was a bad one for me emotionally, and I’m hoping today won’t be as bad but not confident. I kind of feel like we’re all in Pompeii, looking out at the exploding volcano and saying, “Well, but it can’t reach us, right? No way.”
I woke up this morning with absolute dread about the election. Things always turn so ugly and stressful before an election, and I have a terrible feeling about this one. How can someone who is not currently in the White House run a campaign with half of the publicity that the one in the White House gets? What if the one in the White House is elected again? I am stressed about it. I know that it’s time for me to step back and be offline so I can de-stress some.
This isn’t helpful or encouraging to you, I just wanted you to know I’m right there with you. I spent some time last night journaling some of the things I am thankful for- a house with a yard, enough rooms in the house so that we can retreat to our corners for quiet time, enough food and ways to get food, everyone is healthy so far, uninterrupted income, etc.
It IS helpful and encouraging! It is good to feel that others feel similarly about something.
It’s really an unfortunate situation since no candidates/campaigns can put together rallies or anything right now, but Mr Prez gets to talk to the press nightly… And drone on about nothingness while we watch and wait for Drs. Fauci and Birx to talk. Ugh.
Look for some silver lining in Wisconsin. The election wasn’t delayed, was a huge mess, but the right-wing supreme court candidate lost. It was a huge (happy) surprise to me. My husband and I voted via mail absentee.
Ahh… I’m in PA, our election was delayed (until June 2nd) and we can use mail-in for the primary – yay! But the delay means we don’t have much of a say in the presidential candidate. But yes – silver linings – I will take any I can get!
Right, we didn’t really get much say either. Bernie dropped out before our results were even announced.
My kids wanted to do something – anything – to help, so they put a bin in front of our house and invited the community to drop 1 non-perishable item in when they’re out for walks or drives. They call it their just 1 project. Literal drops in the bucket. We have over 150 items to donate in less than a week. No, it won’t solve all the hunger issues, but it will help some people. I just wanted to share a little positivity in hopes that it will lift you up a smidge.
Alan Doyle (Canadian Musician from the band Great Big Sea – highly recommend) has a charity/foundation called A Dollar A Day, for which the impetus was to give a just dollar a day to a cause for which there is a need. The Just 1 idea of your children seemed a similar take.
On a general note, the alternate title is the best part of this whole kerfuffle at the moment.
Yep. I dreamed last night about literal Nazis, so that’s how MY brain is doing. On a positive note, a couple of weeks ago I Venmoed some money to a single mom who was struggling and yesterday she paid me back (which I had told her she did NOT have to do!), so I’m going to take that and send it to someone else who needs it. I also recently discovered the charity site GiveDirect.org, which just gives cash to people who need it. Simple, effective, and allows people to make their own decisions about how they should spend it.
Hang in there, everyone.
Thank You for this!
Thank you for sharing this! This type of giving is very effective. However I think you might have meant GiveDirectly.org (GiveDirect.org goes to a page that helps nonprofits accept online gifts)
Last month, I ordered some toilet paper off of Target for someone, and then yesterday I shopped online at Target for myself and accidentally shipped it to her and I thought back to when my stepmom had done the same thing last month (ordered and accidentally had it shipped to me), so I told my friend to please keep and use my groceries if she could and to pass on whatever she couldn’t use to others, and then I ordered my groceries again and had them shipped to me.
And I had this brief anger at myself when I first realized my mistake (after it was too late to fix it), but then I felt gratitude that I didn’t need the money for the groceries, that it didn’t make the difference between eating and not eating this month.
But I really do, really really really want an actual grownup to be running the country right now, not just a rampaging id in an ill-fitting suit.
And I love your original title.
There was an article recently (and I’m sure there are more than one, but I read this one) that talked about the differences between what women-led countries have done (Germany, New Zealand, Taiwan etc) versus what men-led countries have done. SO ENLIGHTENING.
https://www.forbes.com/sites/avivahwittenbergcox/2020/04/13/what-do-countries-with-the-best-coronavirus-reponses-have-in-common-women-leaders/#2fafdcd43dec
Now that was an interesting read; thank you.
We are so lucky here in New Zealand to be led by a kind person who believes in science. Most of the world has probably never heard of her but Jacinda is a pretty extraordinary leader. In less than 3 years she unexpectedly became Prime Minister, then unexpectedly became pregnant, had a baby, led us with grace and wisdom through the Christchurch Mosque shootings, dealt with a volcano explosion which killed and wounded dozens of people and now steered a clear path through a global pandemic. So she’s not had an easy time of it but she’s risen to the challenge over and over again. I’m so proud of her. I’m especially grateful that kids growing up in NZ now are learning what good, kind, intelligent leadership looks like. it’s great to see so many women leaders around the world doing a wonderful job and being recognised for it. It gives me hope for the future.
<3
In case anyone needs a cheery thought (or perhaps a good hard sob!) i am sharing this from the UK
https://www.theguardian.com/world/2020/apr/16/coronavirus-capt-tom-moore-raises-12m-nhs-completes-garden-walk
Best alternative title ever! Please oh please yes!
What helps me is to not look too far ahead. When I look far out, I start to wonder if I’ll ever see my mother again, or my siblings, or their kids. Will I be in my house for a year? Will I ever willingly board an airplane? etc. etc. So I try to focus on today. I did some laundry. I baked a loaf of bread. I took a shower and dressed in real clothes. I do volunteer social media for our county Dems and I put up links to our local food bank. I joined a Facebook birding group, to learn the names of the little gray one and the big noisy one. Oh! Jigsaw puzzles are hard to find, but if you go to the online stores of museums and major libraries, you can find some really great ones, and your money supports the arts instead of a billionaire. As dear Swistle says, it may be a drop in the bucket, but it is a drop IN THE BUCKET.
Re: the birds, you are way ahead of hobby birders who know what birds are called, and yet dismissively refer to House Sparrows and such as LBBs- Little Brown Birds.
That’s funny. Years ago I took a field course in mycology from one of the leading mycologists in the world (apparently there is a Top 5 for everything) and even he referred to LBM’s when we were doing our mushroom identification: Little Brown Mushrooms.
I feel better reading these posts about what people are doing to help. I was at the grocery store and the announcements they do included the phrase I keep hearing “We’re all in this together.” Every time I hear that I want to scream because we’re not. Those of us with enough money and access to food are not together with people that can’t pay their bills or buy food and I feel helpless. So I will read these posts again and find some way to help.
THANK YOU for that SPOT ON alternate title; it felt really good to laugh today!!
One more Drop in the Bucket option! There is a website called Pandemic of Love (https://www.pandemicoflove.com/) that reminds me a bit of the annual Christmas giving event that The Bloggess organizes: people who need help raise their hands, and are matched with people who have offered to help. This helps me feel like my donation is doing Real Things because you send it directly to a person who needs it, via paypal or venmo or grocery gift cards or whatever. And if you need help, it’s totally anonymous until you’re matched with a helper.
I’m not struggling financially yet, and nobody in our house is sick. Nobody in our house could get sick at this point– we’ve been on serious lockdown because I’m afraid my kid will get it. I’m having a really hard time emotionally.
I am planning on donating my check, not sure where.
And I’m starting more seeds than we have room for and planning on putting the plants we don’t need at the end of our driveway with a free sign. Won’t help people much right away, but it’ll be something.
One lovely project I know of is taking care of families of refugee-children, who are now mostly unable to work at all and even before were in dire need (since the current administration cut pretty much all programs supporting them).
It’s been created by writer Jon Katz, who basically adopted a few select causes in his area and writes about them, among other things, on his blog. His readers started sending in money to support, and now the “Army of Good” regularly helps, often by sending in just a few Dollars in a letter. The main projects are a care home for the elderly called “The Mansion” and a private school (Bishop Maginn High School) taking in as students a lot of children in need, many of them refugees, on an unpaid-basis but has been struggling with financing many of the basic necessities. Now, with the school closed, the students and their families also need support.
The specific project I mean is a current project where he asks people to buy gift-cards to a specific supermarket chain that operates where the families of the refugee-children mostly live (Price Choppers), then the cards people buy (online) get sent to him and he hands them over to one of the teachers who keeps a list of those families who need it most and passes the cards on. The process is a bit convoluted because the school is closed, so the cards can’t be sent there and also can’t go to P.O. boxes.
I have read his blog for many years now and saw how all of this grew, and trust him 100% with how things are handled. Of course sending the stimulus check for example to a local food bank or house for battered women (also more needed than ever, since the isolation unfortunately also means a rise in violence in families) would also help a lot. But I like the gift-card project especially because it reaches families who likely aren’t reached by food banks or simply don’t dare use one.
Here’s the blog: http://www.bedlamfarm.com
A current post about the gift cards: https://www.bedlamfarm.com/2020/04/16/the-do-good-report-thursday-april-16-gift-cards-are-gone/
One about an encounter at the little free library he and his wife have in the front yard, where they’ve started to put in canned foods also: https://www.bedlamfarm.com/2020/04/14/the-story-of-isla-who-is-alone-and-hungry/
One with thanks from the Mansion-residents and the school: https://www.bedlamfarm.com/2020/04/13/gratitude-thanks-from-bishop-maginn-and-the-mansion/
And a personal one about his relationship with his sister: https://www.bedlamfarm.com/2020/04/12/gifts-of-the-viruslearning-to-love-my-sister-again/
Apart from those projects, he writes about life on his farm, about his wife (a fiber artist), their dogs, small town America and politics, meditation, life and other things. Always measured and honest, and someone I’ve come to respect a lot. Right now, the posts are quite long and a lot about Corona (not surprisingly), but usually there is a lot of variety there.
(Swistle, I hope it’s ok I put all that here, but I also didn’t want to just drop a link without explaining who and what it is that I’d see as a worthy recipient of support.)
For me it helps a little to acknowledge that the floppy discouraged helpless feeling is real and valid. It’s true! I am not in charge. I actually AM helpless in that sense. Even if I were in charge, I could not fix everything, no one can do that. So what CAN I do, with the very tiny amount of power and privilege I have?
Yesterday I donated to our local food bank, gave homemade bread to a neighbor, texted with a friend whose grandfather just died of COVID, watched some Netflix, bandaged my kid when he wiped out on his bike. Just the next right thing. I’m not being asked to fix it all. Just as much as I can, and frankly even that varies day to day.
We didn’t get our stimulus money. But it did prompt me to actually do our 2019 taxes last night, and for the first time in years, we’re getting a refund. Yay! Then we watched Ant Man and it was the escapist, dumb action movie that my brain needed. And we had tacos.
Today, I think I might make chocolate chip cookies. The 15 year old was up before me this morning, and was having breakfast outside while watching YouTube. I think she’s gone back to bed now.
Your line about individuals trying to pick up the slack of an entire government really hit home and put into exact words the frustration I’ve been feeling. I am feeling something similar too about local governments picking up slack of state governments picking up slack of federal governments. (That’s specific time my city/county/state.).
I am also feeling down and frustrated. We have donated food to places, but I am feeling panicky about what to do with our check. We are fine right now, but there is the distinct possibility that in 4 months we will not be fine. Current plan is to keep it in case we are jobless, but to donate later if we are ok. Which makes me feel less than good, but we don’t know what my husband’s industry will do.
On top of that, my elementary school kids are needing a lot of time and reassurance from me, which is draining.
Well. Perhaps hot chocolate will help.
My husband also is concerned about my plan to be generous since we are OKAY. He said, what about baby doctor bills this summer (ours will have a need for heart repair) and I’m thinking what about the parents who can’t buy diapers or formula today? It’s hard to balance the unknown needs of future with the known needs of today.
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCOe_y6KKvS3PdIfb9q9pGug
I just discovered SGN. It’s like a spiritually enlightened AFV. With a muuuuch cuter host.
There is so much joy in these weekly broadcasts!
I hit the wall yesterday too. I’m supposed to be working from home but I spend a lot of time feeling very “what’s the point of this?”. Both my mother and stepfather have been diagnosed with cancerous tumours since the lockdown began (mom in the same place as before so it’ll be a day surgery for her, but my stepfather’s has spread to his liver and the best treatment option isn’t available because of the pandemic), and I can’t even go visit with them, all I can do is teleconference in when they are on calls with oncologists, etc. and take notes for them.
I try to feel grateful that I have my income still coming in, and a house, and healthy kids and husband, but I sure have some moments when I feel bad. And then I feel bad for feeling bad instead of counting my blessings.
Thinking of you and your family. Tumors are heavy duty even under the best of circumstances, which a pandemic definitely isn’t.
HUGS HUGS HUGS.
Thanks Liz! My stepfather’s kids haven’t posted anything about his condition on FB (in fact, they didn’t even when he was in the hospital for 3 months last summer when his first tumour blocked his intestine and then there were complications from that surgery that took 3 months to resolve enough so he could go home to my mom), so I don’t feel I can go there and mention it, but that also means I don’t get to have my friends saying bolstering things to me when I need it. I’m glad for Swistle’s comment community!
Fun fact that might add some entertainment value: my stepfather is my husband’s father (so when I say “his kids” that includes my husband). His dad and my mom met through us and got married about 7 years after we did. I did not marry my stepbrother, my husband became technically my stepbrother after we’d been married for quite some time. And my stepsister was my sister in-law first, so that’s how I still think of her.
That is even more convoluted than my family, and my grandmother (my mother’s step-mother) has a sister who married their uncle (Her father had left Russia before his brother was born. In the 1930s, Uncle Benjamin came over from Russia at age 21. Aunt Emma, born in the US, was then 17. They fell in love. So my great-uncle was also my great-great-uncle. WEIRD).
alternate title is amazing. thanks for the laugh and for your honest posts. I look forward to your insight and no frills but very witty and articulate posts.
Also I live with a libertarian who replies “if we could keep our all income instead of being taxed at a high rate we could give and make a really big difference!!” And seeing how bailout money is going to places I wouldn’t choose I guess he can have a point. Being a drop in the bucket just doesn’t feel useful when we need a whole bucketful to put out this dumpster fire.
What’s it like living with a libertarian at a time when what we most need is an effective government?
I am so sorry you are feeling so discouraged today. Today I went to the grocery store and was so overwhelmed by seeing all the faces of the staff I have grown to accustomed to over the years… and they were all there, working, and putting themselves at risk so that we can all get our groceries and it just… it made my heart so full and so broken at the same time.
Ugh. I, too woke up this way. It has been helping to use all my anxiety coping strategies as I’m finding the feeling comes in waves and then abates for a bit. Like a shitty, emotional contraction. And as my mother reminded me on day three of my first labor, “you can do anything for this one minute. Just don’t think about the next minute. Just do this one.”
Another fan of the alternate title here.
Does your family have/need rules for mental health days? I know we’re all supposed to be soldiering on or pushing out that Dunkirk spirit or whatever, but sometimes a person just needs a day of TV and cinnamon toast. If the only thing keeping you from living the mancold dream is that judgy voice in your head (PS it’s my mom), pretend you can’t hear and put on some fresh jammies, then take a nap.
PS I love my mom and the one thing I am going to do as soon as I can is go visit her so I can make her a good stiff drink before we settle in the watch Call the Midwife. But she is a relentless brightsider, at least for other people.
Omg, that alternate title made my entire day. Which has thus far been pandemicking-with-a-toddler-while-also-working-full-time-hahaha-sob miserable. So thank you for that.
Pandemicking-with-a-toddler-while-also-working-FT is so impossible. Hugs to you. Surviving to the end of the day is a triumph. I cannot even imagine.
Carry on and be gentle to yourself and your sweet little one (who I’m sure is not always sweet because they’re human but….). You’re doing a wonderful job.
I had a zoom get together with a bunch of friends last night and everyone one us (all women) are exhausted, on edge, worried about the future in this country, and tapped out. It was so so good to “see” a bunch of friends and in a perverse way to hear that they are feeling the same things I am, but MY GOD I wish we didn’t have to feel so panicked about our government because we were not being helmed by a toddler who seems determined to drive this country straight into the ground. I don’t even need a fancy leader right now, I just want someone competent who listens to experts. OK am feeling the need to breathe into a paper bag again so am going to go eat my feelings (cookies).
The summer camp cancellations have started rolling in here in CA. We were expecting them, but now it’s a reality vs an expectation and I think my friends and I still had a smidgeon of hope that summer would be “normal.”
I’ve started dreaming of many acres of land that my friends and I with our families could relocate to for this time. I could make do with less preferred food, no fresh veggies, etc, if it meant that we could actually see people. Unfortunately none of us has that land and it’s not available here anyway, but compound living with a bunch of friends and their families is a nice daydream.
I had a hard time during spring break. I can’t imagine how summer will be when it’s 2 months vs 1week.
Oh No. I was also holding out hope for summer camp. My kids are missing school so badly.
Last night I woke up every time I had a dream. I was able to get back to sleep, but waking up 5x a night is not restful.
It just….. It feels like it will never end, and that the disappointments don’t stop. They haven’t canceled the rest of the school year, here, yet, but they will. They haven’t canceled summer camp yet, but they will. They haven’t canceled ever seeing loved ones again…. But it feels like that’s coming, too. It feels very heavy right now.
I love every bit of this so THANK YOU for putting it into words for me! Especially the part about how Christians are SUPPOSED TO behave and how people will act the EXACT OPPOSITE and still strut around claiming to be Christians! BLARGH!!!
Feel better after dinner with a friend. We each brought sandwiches and parked our cars side by side like cops and chatted through open windows (more than 6 feet apart) not quite the girls nite out I crave but better than facetime