When I was upstairs getting ready, I had a sudden alarming thought about something we would soon be out of, something I should look for online. I almost sent myself an email from my phone, just so I wouldn’t forget, and then I thought, “But I won’t forget!” Why. Why would I think that.
(Happily, I DID eventually remember. It was deodorant.)
I’m so tired. I woke up at 2:30 to go to the bathroom, and never got back to sleep. You know how sometimes you feel like you didn’t sleep, but you’re actually sort of dozing in and out? It was not like that. It was like lying down in the middle of the day when you’re not tired, and just being wide awake and excruciatingly bored. I would have gotten up, but our two older boys have been staying up most of the night, and they were still up, and I didn’t feel like being up in the middle of the night with them. Also, if Paul wakes up and I’m not there, he comes to find me, which I find irritating, but also he has trouble sleeping later than 4:00, so when he IS successfully sleeping I don’t want to increase the chance of him waking up and not being able to get back to sleep. He got up at 4:45, and that’s when I did too.
I spent most of my awake time fretting about the next grocery shopping trip, which is certainly a boring and unproductive thing to fret about.
I also spent some time fretting about the in-home eldercare agency I used to work for, wondering how they’re handling this and how they can possibly be keeping everyone safe right now, and thinking about how worried everyone must be. That led to me feeling angry about the supervisor there, who, just for starters and particularly applicable right now, wanted us to work even if we were sick. From there I segued into feeling angry about EVERY job I’ve had where it was particularly important not to go to work sick (bakery, coffee shop, restaurant, daycare, pharmacy, eldercare) and yet there was huge pressure to do so anyway.
Then I spent some time thinking of all the categories of people who are worse off than me right now. If you are in the life stage of having little children, and right now you are operating day after day without even the sweet relief of a stroll through Target or a trip to the park or having them go on errands with the other parent or whatever, then I spent some time feeling very sorry for you around 3:30 a.m. If you are living in an apartment in a big city and it doesn’t feel safe to use the laundry room or go outside for a walk right now, and you can’t even jog in place or do jumping jacks because of your downstairs neighbor, I was feeling sorry for you around 4:10. Everyone else, I am less sure of the exact time, but I felt sorry for you too.
Well. Today we are getting another Target delivery, though I will wait a couple days to open it. And today I will finish reading Olive, Again, which is so far just as good as everyone said it was. For lunch I will have leftover crockpot chicken tacos (they turned out great). And it’s Friday, which manages to retain some of its Friday feeling even when the days are so odd.
Now when I wake up in the middle of the night, I will worry about you, worrying.
Think of what you’re doing for your devoted readers — a post every day is such a treat. Although if there is a day when you can’t manage to post, that is fine, too.
My husband has taken to sleep on the sofa if my snoring is bothering (I have it on good authority, as in, from my children, that his snoring is way louder than mine). I have told him that I am happy to sleep on the sofa or in the spare (at least until our firstborn comes home) bedroom, because I fall back asleep easily. Instead he does it, thinking that he is a martyr even though he chose this. He did it last night, and informed me in this morning, “I slept downstairs last night.” Me: “I noticed.” Unsaid: “It’s morning now and we’re both up, so why does that even matter.”
I guess I am thanking you for daily posts by sharing Fun Facts about How Spouses Can Be Annoying after Bedtime.
Any kitten news?
No kitten. Sigh. I’d thought I’d have an edge because I have a friend who works for a shelter—but she says they are not taking any animals right now except in cases of real emergency. I am wondering what will happen to all the batches of kittens that normally go to the shelter. I imagine they will be offered free to a good home on the town Facebook page—but I so prefer to adopt from the shelter, where I know the kitties will be vaccinated and fixed/spayed and checked for fleas/mites and so on.
Might a foster group in your area be an option? I work with a dog foster group that has provided homes to many of the animals that would ordinarily have been in the shelter (something we try to do anyway, but I cannot tell you how many people stepped forward to foster when the crisis struck. Well, I could, because I’m the one who signs them up and OMG I have been spending so. much. time. doing that, but key point: MANY. MANY people signed up to foster dogs. Which is so wonderful! But also has been a tad overwhelming at moments), so — there may be foster groups that would provide something similar to what the shelter offers, possibly right down to the level of the specific kittens available?
I too am fretting about the next time I go to the grocery store. Very productive. I am also spending a lot of should-be-sleeping hours worrying about severe weather and its potential effects on everyone ON TOP of everything else that’s already going on.
I hope The Powers That Be take a good hard look at non-pandemic sick leave culture when this is all over. Even for those that have plenty of sick leave built up or the financial resources to stay home when not feeling well, the pressure to come in anyway is SO AGGRESSIVE.
It REALLY IS.
The things you were thinking about are all good things to discuss in your head if you can’t get back to sleep. Thank you for sharing them with us, too. I have also been thinking about sick leave, and have spent some really productive time in the last few days being angry at my husband’s (now former) boss over his insistence that my 61-year old husband COME IN TO THE OFFICE to teach kids computer programming. Over Zoom.
Boss’s wife is a public health nurse.
:D
We are super fortunate that we did not need his part-time job to make the mortgage payments. My full-time job pays for everything. It was extra. But I am still so very, very angry because the very fact that my husband even asked ended up being a big enough thing that the boss got pretty vindictive.
I will provide backup rage over this.
AARGH.
I will as well. As my friend said, “we can’t quarantine stupid”
I love your posts so much. It’s like starting my morning with a blanket of comfort. Thank you for writing them!
I also appreciate your 3:30 am pity. My husband and I are both working fulltime from home with a two-year-old who thinks she’s 35, and a 6-year-old extreme extrovert with an axiety disorder. Things are bleak indeed. I’m a principal at a middle school so the pressures from everyone to move online (but not too much!) feels like the education equivalent of the Kobayashi Maru (a test from Star Trek in wich a pilot is forced into an unwinnable solution).
I am here for your Star Trek reference.
Me too!
I was thinking about what it would be like with younger kids too, since the littlest kids wouldn’t really understand what was going on and why you can walk through the park but not play on the playground. At least my kids (9, 12, 14) can go on a walk by themselves and I can have a little peace and quiet. It’s still rare, but I remember winter when they were all little and it was stifling being inside then.
Grocery shopping is a worry right now – it’s like very high on the list of important things to do. I picked up a curbside order yesterday and now have to figure out the exact time and day to get next Friday like I want. And do I stick with ALDI – which glitched out on me and wouldn’t let me add more than 60 items, when I’d bought 100 the other week online – or do I go back to my regular Walmart pickup when I have heard that people have been getting no meat in their pickup orders?! Last week I got up at midnight, 2am and then 5am to be able to secure a pickup spot.
The hardest thing for my kids (3 and 7) I think is that we are in a large apartment building. I’m an introvert but they are outgoing and love to pet neighbors’s dogs and play with kids in the building and now we have to steer clear and it’s hard. I’m glad they have each other.
It’s amazing how much mental space groceries are taking up right now. I’m finishing up a 4-year graduate program of night classes that were all in person (now online, of course) and starting to realize I am very out of practice in cooking dinner for all these people more than one or two nights a week. What did they eat while I was at school and why can’t they just eat that now?
I’m mostly fretting about whether my post-graduation job will disappear or not, or whether I’ll lose the job if it does exist because the state is likely going to cancel the licensing exam I need to take to use the degree I’m finishing. I cannot fix either of these things by fretting at 2 am, but apparently I’m not letting that stop me.
My goodness you write so well! Thank you for the beautiful public service that your regular posting is. I just read aloud some of this post and the last one to my husband and we had a good laugh.
Hope you and yours are all well.
And I will supply back up, back up rage after Slim to Liz’s husband’s boss. Yikes!
I just really love your empathy. It is really heartening for me, a stranger, to read your words and relate so much and feel connected. Thank you for writing so much these days.