It’s a bad idea to brightside/silverlining other people’s woes, I KNOW that, and I want to avoid it. And I think it’s way too soon to be talking about the good stuff on the other side of this. But on the other hand I have had a brightside/silverlining thought about other people’s woes, and it’s about the good stuff on the other side of this, so you can see the bind I am in. And it’s more like I thought of a specific example of something that I think is going to apply across the board to many, many situations, but I really think this one example that doesn’t apply to me is the best way to talk about it. So I am going to attempt to say it without sounding like the jerk telling you your problem has an upside when you are still in the throes of mourning the downsides, or like someone rhapsodizing naively about good stuff as if oblivious to the fact that the bad stuff has barely begun to happen, or as if unaware that not all of us are going to be there to appreciate the good stuff. But I have been posting some anxious stuff, and I am going to continue to post anxious stuff, and I don’t want a Nothing But Anxious Stuff rule.
Here is the more general thing, and it’s a little long but I’ve got time and you know how to skim: There is something my wider-scope peer group of humans (like, not just my specific generation but including at least half a generation up and basically everyone after) is really good at, and it’s Compensating For Perceived Losses. You know how there is a sad cultural story about how children with December birthdays get skimped/cheated? Their birthday gifts are wrapped in Christmas paper and are clearly just a couple of their Christmas presents set aside at the last minute because everyone forgot! Maybe they don’t even get a cake because there are so many treats already, and they don’t get a party because their parents are too flustered and busy with Christmas prep! Yes, it’s a great and pitiable story, and we can probably picture some of those Greatest Generation types doing that sort of thing to their kids, with their dear old “Oh, suck it up. You know what I got for my birthday when I was your age? AN ORANGE AND A SPANKING” attitudes.
But at this point it’s a legend, part of our human mythology just like That One House That Gives Out Full-Size Candy Bars on Halloween, where now MANY of us who grew up with that legend want to be That One House, so the kids come home with a dozen full-size candy bars. I’m sure there are still people who have sad stories about their December birthdays, because there are always people who have sad stories about any topic you can think of. But the overall culture is no longer there, and MOST of the current December children benefit from The Legend of Sad December Birthdays. Giant half-birthday celebrations to make up for the tragedy of a December birthday! Deliberately oversized December celebrations! One of my friends with a December baby won’t put up her tree or any decorations or even DISCUSS Christmas until after her daughter’s birthday, just so that there is NO overlap whatsoever and the birthday remains FULLY SPECIAL. Kids with non-December birthdays might start to feel a little jealous of all that fuss and attention.
Here is my point: I think we are going to end up feeling a little jealous of the 2020 high school graduates. Not in all ways, and I want to make it clear I know there are some very serious ways in which things will be irreparably ruined, without leading us to dwell right this minute on some of the things that are going to happen between NOW (when we are feeling sad about their lost proms and graduation ceremonies) and LATER (when my theory is that we will feel a little jealous). The Jewel lyric that has gone through my head a thousand times: “Not to worry ’cause worry is wasteful and useless in times like these.” So I want to skip to the part where human beings are clever and creative and good at coming up with compensations. I don’t know what it’ll look like, but I can picture some options. Imagine the 5-year high school reunions with the theme: “PROM AT LAST!” and everyone coming to it instead of avoiding it, and dressing up and renting limos and having a wonderful time. Imagine Class of 2021 inviting Class of 2020 to a combined prom, and combining their funds to get a fun venue. Imagine a delayed graduation ceremony, or a combined 2020/2021 graduation ceremony, with the screaming and cheering and rejoicing.
The thing is, I have been to four high school graduations: my own, my brother’s, Rob’s, and William’s. And they are SO BORING. And it’s usually HOT, except sometimes it RAINS, and the seating is so uncomfortable and the whole thing goes on forever. And the speeches are wincingly trite and boring, and you’re not allowed to laugh. And then they read alllllll the names, and so slowly, and there are so many of them, and there are only a few you’re interested in.
But not Class of 2020’s graduation, when it finally happens. That is going to be AMAZING. The principal and the valedictorian are not going to be sitting there beforehand struggling with their speeches, trying and failing to find a way to make something that happens every year seem fresh. We are going to cry and hug and scream and cheer, and we are going to really appreciate being together instead of resenting being packed in so tightly, and we are going to do that human thing where we catch sight of each other and our hands fly straight up with joy, and the newspapers will all be there taking pictures and writing stories about the Class of 2020 finally getting their graduation ceremony, and the whole thing is going to turn into a giant symbolic celebration of coming through tribulation.
Same with prom. I went to prom in high school, and I do consider it a landmark worth visiting, and I wished my two older boys had wanted to attend, and I hope at least one of my younger kids wants to. But we all fought with our boyfriends/girlfriends in the weeks before, and some of us broke up right after, and some people didn’t get to go because they only wanted to go if they could go with a date, and it was a lot of money and anticipation for what turned out to be a Hotel Conference Meal followed by the same school dance we could have had in the gym for free, and it was fun to see everyone dressed up but overall it was a letdown.
But not Class of 2020’s prom. That is going to be AMAZING. They are going to play all the songs they would have played if it could have happened on time. Depending on how delayed it is, some people are going to wear the dresses they would have worn, and it’s going to be hilarious. Possibly they will be over 21, which is going to make for a very different party. And whether it’s delayed months or years, they are going to really appreciate being together, and they are going to scream and cheer and DANCE, and they are not going to be shy about it, and the newspapers will all be there taking pictures and writing stories about the Class of 2020 finally getting their prom, and it is going to turn into a giant symbolic celebration of coming through tribulations.
We may be a little jealous. And won’t we be so GLAD!
This was very cheering! I have been thinking about all the kids/families missing their end-of-year milestones and feeling sad and it is so nice to imagine the overcompensating that is coming to them.
My sister-in-law’s brother gets no med school graduation, for instance. And I don’t know if it applies in his case, but I have heard about new med school grads being thrown into this crisis immediately and… geez do they deserve some overcompensating.
By the way – I hope the trip to the city and the Remicade went as well as it possibly could.
Please help me see the bright side of my wedding being moved from early May this year to goodness knows when and with goodness knows who attending. I’m struggling and I’m struggling more because of how I know this is the right thing and I would rather people stay alive than that I get to have my party. But also I want my plans to go like I had planned them to.
It is the same bright side: It is that most of the time weddings are kind of boring and trite for the guests, despite the importance of the occasion for those directly involved. But at the rescheduled weddings, people will be screaming with joy at the treat of being able to get together in person and see people they haven’t been able to see—and for some of them, your wedding will be their first in-person contact since the pandemic. They will be so freshly grateful for the everyday magic of our normal human ceremonies. The very rescheduled nature of the event will become part of a larger symbolic celebration of surviving through tribulation, and the rejoicing will be intense, and the memories will be intense, and guests who were married Before will think to themselves, “Geez, there wasn’t this much fuss and joy at MY wedding.” Plus, you will have a superior story to tell when we’re boring the youth with our stories of the pandemic.
^^^ freshly grateful – Yes Swistle, exactly this.
Oh, I’m so so sorry. When this all started happening, I thought “What about all the WEDDINGS?!” This is so completely unfair and you have every right to go through all the stages of grief. We were supposed to leave for our very first family trip to Disney on Tuesday. I’m still in the anger stage about not being able to go when we planned – and I think I will be angry until the day we were supposed to come home (then maybe I’ll move on?). All the planning. All the hoping. All the counting down. All the money. All the disappointment.
IT SUCKS. I’m so sorry.
I think you are so right! I’ve had a thought in line with this (and have only shared with my mom and sister because it might not land in certain groups) that perhaps this difficult situation for this group of kids may be sculpting our next great generation. Maybe because this was difficult and disappointing, they will be ready to lead our country in the future in a more intentional way. I’m going with optimism and hope here too. These heartbreaking months will make people smarter and stronger.
I have also been having bright side thoughts lately. For one, my husband, who is usually at work 100 hrs/week, is home throwing the football and playing monopoly over dinner every night. And for two, we now have time to celebrate every little thing. Yesterday was my daughter’s 10th birthday, and we spent hours making her cake, playing in the yard, and doing what she wanted to do. She said (and she’s also a super flexible kid) that it was her best birthday. Next week is our dog’s birthday and I hope we can do something fun for her too. Then Easter… lots of activities we are usually too busy to take on, etc. And also thinking about the FaceTime and phone conversations we never seem to have time to have. That seems to be ramping up slowly but at least in the right direction.
Oh and don’t forget these high school seniors were mostly born just following 9/11. I was pregnant on 9/11, and then my son was born in December 2001. And now he’s a high school senior whose graduation may be postponed/cancelled. Tri-fecta! lol!
But yes – all that you said has been on my mind. Right now I”m worried things will be rescheduled for dates in which we have a big trip planned. But at what point do we cancel big trip? So many unknowns.
The combining of class of 2020 and class of 2021 would work in my favor, as I have a HS graduate in both years. But I would prefer them to have their own graduations. Neither of them care about prom one iota so not worried about that aspect at all.
I have an 8th grader too – she’s missing out on a lot, she’s perhaps the most affected. She goes to a K-8 school, and is the only student who is going to this high school. There are a lot of “lasts” she will likely miss.
Anyway – yes – class of 2020 will be known as resilient!
I love this so much.
As the mom of a high school senior, this made me feel immeasurably better. I think I’m more sad than she is over the milestones we’re missing, so to think that we can make up for them later with BETTER, even more MEMORABLE milestones, really helps a lot. Thank you. :)
You’re brilliant. This is such a nice happy thought on a Friday! I LOVE the idea of the 5-year class reunion being “Prom At Last!” So cute.
My oldest is in college and not graduating this year. (I have a high school senior who is still in some denial about a few of her lasts, as her school is still holding out hope of coming back to in-person classes before the year is out, which will save the ones that matter to her — she doesn’t care about prom. When that illusion is shattered, I expect her to fall apart a little more.)
But, the college has moved this spring’s graduation to next fall’s homecoming weekend. And my first thought was something along the lines of yours. It was “Oh, next fall’s homecoming is going to be so awesome! Because so many more of those recent grads are actually going to come and it’ll be great for them to see each other and to see the underclassmen they left behind and they’ll all get to swap stories of job hunting during a pandemic.”
Here is silver lining for you: we have taken advantage of this stuck-at-home-anyway time to toilet train the two year old. I guess this makes her part of the diaper graduation class of 2020?
Same!
This is what we are unsuccessfully trying to do with our daughter! Still hoping.
I wish I could get on your good-thoughts train. My son isn’t even a senior (he’s a sophomore), but his school has a really excellent arts program and he does both drama and show choir. These seniors are missing so many things that can’t ever be made up — their last concert, choir competition, the spring play (the last time they’d be performing on their high school stage), etc. I know it’s the same for kids who are in sports, or robotics, or debate or any number of other activities. It’s that feeling of “I didn’t KNOW it would be the last time.” So many parents missed their kid’s “last” — because they didn’t know it would be the last.
And yes, I know that’s life and there are worse things, but on top of everything else, it sucks. (And sorry to be the spiraling one today.)
It DOES suck. I hope tomorrow is better for you
Thanks, Sarah. I was doing fine until yesterday, and then, well, I lost my facade. We still have ONE MORE week (for a total of three) until our district (with many title one schools) even attempts at-home learning. We are all slowly sliding into total chaos. And … breathe. That’s what I’m focusing on today. And the sunshine outside.
Thanks, Swistle. <3
We are a camping family, and we always gleefully point out when things go wrong that it will make a great story. In fact, through all the years that I have taken my kids camping, the only trips we talk about are the time a storm knocked our tent over on my birthday and we had to drive 30 miles to a hotel, or the time it rained THE ENTIRE TRIP and we were stuck in a drippy tent playing cards. We always joke that the uneventful trips never make good stories. While it doesn’t relieve the suffering WHILE you are sitting under a dripping tent, it at least becomes an interesting story later. So this cohort of graduates/marriages will forever tell and retell the crazy celebrations they had and why.
This made me (happy) weepy. Thank you.
Now I’m all verklempt, because you’re right, but in the thick of it, it’s hard. The Senior-directed one-acts: canceled. And though he wasn’t directing, he was acting in two of them.
And we didn’t get to go to Disney for spring break, like we planned. In the long run, these things are just disappointing. We have our health so far, and all my family is healthy so far. We are worried about my cousin Eulan, a post-surgical nurse, who has been transferred to care for COVID patients, so he’s unable to see his wife and kids for the duration.
There might be a tear in my eye.
Thank you for this, it really helps! I’ve been doing some intensive Bright Siding lately to help me cope. I’m having a baby next week. IN THE MIDDLE OF A PANDEMIC. There are so many anxiety triggers I can’t fathom them all – being in hospital, childcare for my older son, my husband not being able to come and go from hospital while we’re in lockdown etc. Plus, my mum can’t travel to be with me and that sucks.
But! Also: the baby will have an awesome birth story. It’s a good time to be on maternity leave, I don’t have to try to work from home. Our schools are closed so I’m getting some fun hang out time with my son before his sister arrives. This is a relatively cosy catastrophe for us so far, I’m glad it’s a ‘stay indoors’ type of apocalypse rather than one where I have to scrabble and survive in the elements etc.
And here is the best one I’ve found so far: no visitors means NO NEED TO CLEAN THE HOUSE! No one will ever know! Hooray! Let’s have a nap instead.
That was unexpectedly uplifting…not because I didn’t think you could write something nice, but because I didn’t think of anything positive! Thank you.
I liked this. I find myself reminding myself several times a day of the benefits of this time…more focused time at home with my kids than I’ve ever had before, my oldest is old enough to actually remember this possibly, my kids are young enough that they are happy (generally) playing at home and mostly like me, etc. It is HARD being “trapped” at home (I am normally an extreme get-out-of-the-house person) and keeping 3 kids occupied, but I can at least see that at some point I will hopefully look back at this fondly. :)
(I also love that you, my favorite blogger, are back to more regular posts!)
This is not the reply you wanted, but my birthday is two days after Christmas and it has nearly always sucked. No one was ever trying to make it a big deal due to the bad timing (I’m 34…maybe this is a younger person thing?) and these days it passes by in a delirium of exhaustion and too much cheese. Everything special you named about these-days Xmas birthdays are just normal-person birthdays. *insert cry-laughing emoji here* Can you tell I’m still bitter about this? 35 may be the year to make my official birthday June 27 so I can let this go, haha.
This is a really good point that I had not quite got to, although I did have a thought about how Angus’s commencement ceremony was very long and boring and it would not have been the VERY WORST thing ever to not be able to do it, even though in some ways it actually would.
Our mutual friend, Gill, sent me your post because I was worried about my senior son and his prom/graduation. This is a great outlook and I hope to continue to, if not see the bright side, force myself to not be all negative. Thanks.