I feel like all my online areas are currently rife with fighting and bickering and panic. In one online social group that used to be a considerable source of comfort and joy, a few careful and skillful people are subtly sowing strife, and it is relentless and it is proving very effective and everything is falling apart and I don’t see how anyone can stop it. I read a book on sociopaths awhile back, and it was basically like “The way you can tell when you have one or more in your group is there will be endless tempests in teapots, and it will seem inexplicable, but it will keep happening, and the only thing that can fix it is the sociopath getting bored and choosing to move on—which they will only do when the group has fallen apart and they need a new group to play with.” The sociopath can be one of the main players, twisting and feinting until no one knows which way is up—OR they can be behind the scenes manipulating others into performing the drama, which can make them very difficult to detect and remove; in those cases they’re mostly visible in other people’s unexpected and baffling behavior. It’s the kind of thing I wonder about now, when I see a group of people who used to get along very normally and enjoy each other, but then start to disintegrate in dozens of ways for what seems like no good reasons. Our group is having inexplicable and endless tempests in teapots, and there have been outbreaks of unexpected and baffling behavior, and it seems like the group relationship is disintegrating for no good reason. The whole mess is breaking down some good people, and it is hard to watch, and it is such a shame, and it is hard to know what to do when everything anyone does just gets turned into more tempest fodder.
On Twitter, there is of course the endless real-time news of the Senate impeachment trial, but also there are several HUGE and seemingly endless debates about other issues—things where I am seeing TONS of stuff in my feed from people I DON’T FOLLOW, just because I DO follow one person who is very active in the discussion. [Edited to add: I should clarify that I’m talking about people I follow but who don’t follow me or read my blog; they’re people I’m following on purpose to learn more about issues I’m not very familiar with.] And they’re the kind of discussions where I DO want to see an OCCASIONAL tweet by the person I am following, but I DON’T want it taking up HALF MY FEED and keeping me permanently riled. It is very much time for me to figure out how to block discussions. In fact, I am going to do it RIGHT THIS SECOND, while I’m thinking about it.
…Oh. So it was as easy as choosing “Mute this conversation” from the upper right-hand pull-down menu of one of the tweets in the conversation. What held me up on figuring this out earlier was that you only get that option in the pull-down menu AFTER you click on the tweet. If you’re just seeing the tweet in your feed and you click for the menu, there isn’t an option to mute. So I kept hearing about “Mute conversation,” but when I clicked the menu I saw only this:
…Oh, I can’t show you because it puts the user’s name in all the options. I tried to use one of my own tweets as an example, but of course the options are different for that because I have tweet-ownership options. ANYWAY THIS IS BORING, my only point is that if you FIRST click on the tweet, THEN “Mute this conversation” will appear in your pull-down menu options. That’s if you’re using regular desktop Twitter like I am.
(And I know there are various apps and so forth that can make all this better. But you are talking to someone who still views Twitter ONLY on a desktop computer, AND only just figured out how to mute a conversation after nearly a dozen years, so efforts to improve my life are likely to be wasted. ONE DAY I will suddenly get motivated, and on that day I WILL remember that there are better options.)
It is also possible to go to an individual’s profile page and choose the option to turn off retweets from that person (it’s under the button showing three dots). I use that a lot for people whose tweets I do want to see but who retweet a lot of stuff into my timeline that I don’t want (ie, every article about the political controversy du jour).
I also really love your summary of the sociopath book. I can think of multiple examples from my own life, and it’s heartening to know this is a thing that happens (although discouraging to know that there might not be much to be done about it).
My better option has been to disengage a bit. No Twitter. I read 15 min of news a day. On my commute, I listen to audiobooks. My stress level has gone noticeably down. I consumed over 40 books last year. I applaud your muting technique.
Me, too. After a horrible few years personally, I found myself struggling with depression and anxiety for the first time. I told my husband (and doctor) “I think it’s a mixture of having trouble getting through the grief and ambient stress from our political situation.” One of the pieces of self care I had to implement was strict guidelines around my news intake, something my political junkie husband struggled with a bit at first. This week listening to NPR we heard a psychologist say she was seeing a lot of people with “ambient anxiety” right now. My husband and I had to chuckle. Apparently, I’m not alone. (And because I mentioned struggling, let me say I am getting help beyond limiting my news intake and doing much better. And that I absolutely recognize the privilege that allows me to just shut it out for a while.)
Similarly (ish) – is there a universal way of making it that you only get a marketing email once a week/fortnight from retailers etc? I know that a few (very few) offer an option for frequency when you delve into the recesses of their unsubscribe menu, but surely there must be a streamlined way to do this for all those in your email list? I would like some contact from a lot of these companies, just not EVERY BLINKING DAY, AND SOMETIMES TWICE A DAY!!!!!
I don’t know a specific option for this if the retailer in question doesn’t offer it, but what you can do is set up an email-filter that puts specific messages into a specific folder you create. That works by either doing it by sender or by key-words, or both. Then you could decide yourself to only check that folder on one or two days per week. In about 1-2 weeks of doing that for all the new mails coming it, your mailbox should be fairly free of them.
If there is a particular kind of annoying messages that you never want to see, even if the other messages by a sender do interest you, you can also set filters to send stuff straight to the garbage, never for them to be seen by you. Just make really sure the keywords you use there are sure to only catch that specific thing you want them to.
OMG, I’m looking at you GROUPON!!!
Do I want to see the odd deal I’d be interested in? Yes. Do I want 4-5 emails a day from you? Who freakin’ WOULD?!?
This is very helpful info about muting. I have basically abandoned Twitter because of all of this. Twitter used to be a fun place for me to talk to friends, but it turned into a nightmare of funny story-cute kid-news of atrocity-cute kid-world is ending-entire government is corrupt and run by power hungry megalomaniac-cute kid, and it was causing my head to spin and giving me nightmares, basically. I hate Twitter now. I am unwilling to delete my account because there are some acquaintances I only know through there, but I can’t say I know what’s going on with them on any level anymore.
Facebook groups became a sort of substitute because it was easier for me to avoid the confusing shift of subjects since the groups sort of filter by topic, but I also have witnessed terrible things in there lately and I had to take a hiatus from that also.
One thing I have noticed in my social media circles is that no one is allowed to apologize and move on. Someone makes a mistake, the mistake is pointed out, the person apologizes, and then 400 more comments are made explaining to her why what she did or said was wrong. She KNOWS. She APOLOGIZED. But the discussion of it just goes on and on and on and ON. I have seen this drive people out of my social media groups.
I’d love to quit Facebook but I can’t because of school groups and so forth. It’s frustrating.
I like it here, though. This is basically my favorite place on the internet.
Same. Swistle, I’d be interested in your thoughts on how you maintain such a safe space and level of discourse. I’m a long time reader, seldom poster, and don’t recall many (any?) big kerfluffles here.
Yes, can we go back to blogs, where sociopaths can (generally) be moderated out?
(thank you for keeping a nice space here that we can visit!)
I’m feeling similarly to you and Maureen. Twitter and Facebook are both making me sad and anxious. I dont want to quit overall because there are people there that I care about and like interacting with, but it is just too hard lately. I will try this muting you speak of. Imagine that. Using the tools available!
On top of this, I hate the book i am reading.
I hate it when I don’t like the book I’m reading and I’m out of other options for awhile! For some reason this always feels like the last straw to me
Swistle, you are a delight. Thank you for giving me things to read and think about that are not horrible. Or when they are horrible, are addressed with thoughtfulness, concern, honesty, and humility. Whether it’s big things or little, I thoroughly enjoy getting to share in your thoughts.
Whoops! I’m guessing it may be me that is very noisy on Twitter right now. Sorry!
It’s not you being noisy on Twitter!! The people in question don’t follow me or read my blog, as far as I know; in any case, we don’t interact anywhere.
It’s people I follow because I saw some smart-seeming advice to follow people who tweet about subjects you’re not familiar with since then you get a better-rounded view of issues. And so I saw some people who were tweeting stuff I liked about stuff I wasn’t familiar with, and I followed them, and there’s some big things going on right now in both of their worlds and they are just…I mean, they should use Twitter HOWEVER THEY WANT and I FIRMLY BELIEVE THAT….but it’s ending up being such a disproportionate amount of my feed, considering I am only following them out of a feeling that I SHOULD know more about their topic!
I agree that it is hard to watch the tempests in the teacups and how they are affecting people that I care about. I also agree with Maureen — I like it here and this is also one of my favourite places on the internet. I was just telling someone the other day not to give up on a seemingly endless task, because they are making a difference — it may be a drop in the bucket, but it IS A DROP, and the drop is IN THE BUCKET. :)
I still love the drop-in-the-bucket post. It’s actually the one I found Swistle through, because someone else linked to it. And it’s a reminder I still use to calm myself down when a task feels unsurmountable. Is it a drop, did it go into the bucket? Very good, you’re on track, every bit makes the big thing get smaller, just keep going.
(and now I am going off to find the drop in the bucket post, because I am a newbie here. Thank you for referencing it!)
Maybe there’s something in the air today. I just told my friend, “Drops IN the bucket,” is my motto for the year. Last year life kicked over my bucket, but I am resolutely getting drops in now.
I don’t tweet because I already find everyday life overstimulating enough, but I definitely need that sociopath book recommendation! I read the Jon Ronson one with fascinated horror but don’t recall the tempest in a teacup thing, so I am wondering if it is a different one.
Thank you, Swistle! I’ve been wondering how to silence some of the crap that shows up in my timeline. I had figured out how to filter out certain words/names – but I need some relief from all of the rest of it.
For years, I would wake up, make my cup of coffee and then get on the internet to read the news. I would head off to work, feeling on edge, being upset about traffic-I think you see where I am going with this. A little more than a year ago, I decided instead of being on the computer, I would wake up, grab my coffee and head back to bed, get myself propped up on my pillows. My cat crawls in my lap, so I comb her out with her purring the whole time. I read my book until it is time for me to motivate to take a shower and get ready for work. I can’t tell you how much this changed my life. I felt like I was always railing against what was going on, to be honest, I felt like I was always wound up. I do what I can to make this world a better place, I vote and I do my best to practice kindness. This one change did really affect my working life, I go in much calmer and with a much better sense of humor!
I’m not a big Facebook person, I don’t have a personal page. I am a member to check out a few groups I’m interested in. I could see that if I got involved in that? I would probably be an emotional mess. My own lovely, but prone to drama family? There is a reason I didn’t mind moving over 3500 miles away, I was so happy to be away from that!
Regarding twitter etc I am technologically incompetent but I have a method that works for me. I don’t officially follow anyone. I just log on occasionally and read what people have said recently. I may say “oooh I’ll have a look and see if Swistle has posted lately” and then go and have a read. This method has pros and cons:
Pros: I read things when I have time to look at them properly/am in the mood. I spend less time online. I am often late to the party so don’t feel compelled to comment ( a LOT of anxiety for me). If there’s a big controversy I can just skim through the most relevent parts, rather than suffer the whole debacle. I don’t have terrible notification anxiety. Things that aren’t so relevent to my life tend to drop away if I have to go looking for them.
Cons: I miss some things. I am too late to comment on some things (note I’m often last here LOL). I have to remember to look things up.
I do the following of people I don’t necessarily agree with to try to avoid living in a filter bubble thing, with mixed results. I’ve had to strictly limit my Twitter time, because it mostly just spikes my blood pressure and makes me feel bad, and I spend too much time online anyway so I might as well cut the thing that gives me the most stress and the least pleasure. I’m in a real-world group right now that is struggling but I don’t think it’s due to a sociopath – just a couple of people who are dedicated victims and a couple of other people who are getting worse are staying patient about it. I waffle constantly about whether to leave or not.
Like any addict, I’ve had to quit Twitter more than once :) This book helps me stay off:
http://www.jaronlanier.com/tenarguments.html
I have a few FB friends (just 4-5, mostly relatives) whose political values are in complete opposition to mine. I unfollowed them so their posts don’t take me by surprise, but I do go to their pages when I’m feeling up to it so I can see their non-political posts (kid pix, etc). I did this last night and discovered my aunt has unfriended me, so I have one fewer person like that, but as a compromise it works pretty well for me. The only drawback is if i want to comment on a non-political post it often feels too late.