My big kids are home, and I have been baking and cooking while they sleep in until I wake them at 2:00 in the afternoon. This morning when Paul got up at 4:00 (he gets up early to avoid the dealbreaker traffic on his commute, but now can’t break the habit on days he doesn’t go to work), Rob was still awake, and didn’t go to bed until 6:00. I am trying not to be concerned, but that really doesn’t seem right. *forehead fret-lines deepen*
This morning Paul made cinnamon buns, which was delightful, and such a perfect smell to wake up to, and such a nice addition to breakfast before I start on another day of cooking. I want to say all that first, so you know I know what a lovely thing this was, because NEXT I want to tell you that he put raisins in them, which is not the weird thing: the weird thing is that he put raisins in them FOR ME.
Reader, it is tempting to exaggerate here and say that I HATE raisins, or to say “That man has never seen me eat a raisin,” or whatever, and neither of those would be exactly true, but they have the FEEL of truth when what I am trying to convey is how close I came to adding this to the “Evidence of early-onset Alzheimer’s?” list. I WILL eat a raisin, and in fact a couple of decades ago I used to add them deliberately to Grape-Nuts, and I did enjoy that combination; I also used to eat Raisin Bran, so the case against my claim of not liking raisins has weak points. Also, recently I had lunch at Panera and they had an oatmeal-raisin cookie concept to which they had added dried berries, and I chose that on purpose and paid money for it and ate it. But the idea that anyone would ADD RAISINS to something, on purpose, FOR ME, is…extremely odd. I would say my USUAL reaction to “things with raisins in them” is shudder/avoid. I appreciate that other people like/love raisins, and I understand it because there are similar things that I like that other people don’t like, but if you LOVE raisins in cinnamon rolls I do hope you understand that that information is relevant only if you are explaining why Paul added raisins for YOU.
When Paul first told me he had added raisins to the cinnamon buns had not yet revealed that he considered that An Act of Love, I reacted with an incredulous “WHY??” After he explained it was for me, I said “But we both hate raisins in things? Especially WARM raisins?” and he said that HE hated raisins in things but that I was always choosing food that had things in it that he hated. I’m not sure that explanation improved anything.
Well. I ate a cinnamon bun with raisins in it, because it is not possible to wake up to Cinnamon Bun Scent and then not consume cinnamon buns, and it was fine—especially because Paul does not normally cook with raisins (because we both dislike raisins, particularly warm raisins) so he doesn’t know you have to soak them first if you want them to retain moisture during baking, so they were small and shriveled rather than squishy and plump. Which, for someone who dislikes raisins, particularly warm raisins, is a good thing.
I just want to say again, because I think this kind of thing is difficult to explain without inviting misunderstanding, that I am not sharing (1) a story of how I don’t appreciate that I am married to someone who makes homemade cinnamon rolls, or (2) a story of how I don’t appreciate that I am married to someone who tries to do something he’ll think I like (especially nice when it’s something HE doesn’t like), but rather: (3) a story of how surreal it is when the partner of OVER HALF MY LIFE does something such as add raisins to something because he knows how much I love raisins, when I do not in fact even LIKE raisins, and he never sees me eat raisins, and he and I have discussed on multiple occasions how much we dislike raisins (particularly warm raisins).
I truly believe you are the Shirley Jackson of our time. I’m eagerly awaiting for you to announce you’re writing your own version of “Life among the Savages” so I can preorder and then devour chapters of a book that read just like this post. You are delight with such a talent for words.
As someone who finds raisins in all forms an absolute abomination, I am… speechless. And also marveling at how we are all always learning about our partners, apparently. Keep that mystery alive!
Thank goodness the cinnamon bun raisins were small and shriveled rather than plump. A SMALL MERCY.
(Happy Thanksgiving – I am grateful for your blog, which has brought me great joy and comfort over the years. I hope the remainder of your day is blissfully free of raisins in any state of decrepitude.)
“My big kids are home.”
This is everything.
I do so very much love the way you write…
Anyway. The big kids going to bed at 6 am thing: as a very-much-not-a-teenager, I can tell you that I have (and have always had) a GREAT deal of difficulty going to bed. Not falling asleep – I can usually do that more or less OK – but actually making the decision to go to be and then doing all the going-to-bed-things. I love – LOVE – being up late at night, alone. My daughter’s in bed, I can watch whatever I want on TV (or streaming, or whatever), there’s not even a remote chance of either the phone ringing or someone knocking on the door, the cats are generally curled up, sleeping balls of fluff. I do my best work late at night. In your story, the part that makes my forehead fret-lines deepen, is the idea that anyone would voluntarily get up at 4 am (if I had to be awake at 4 am, for a flight, say, I simply wouldn’t go to bed). On days when my daughter doesn’t have school (she doesn’t hear alarm clocks, so I have to wake her at 7.15) or when I don’t have to go out to work (I mostly work from home, at the times I want), I quite happily go to bed as dawn approaches and then get up at lunch time :-D
For the raisins, I get it. Years ago, my now-ex bought some ginger jam type thing. In a jar. I hated it. I mean, really hated it. I don’t dislike ginger as a whole, but this was TOO MUCH. And he knew it because he had to eat the entire jar. AND YET. We’re still on reasonably good terms and get each other (small) Christmas gifts. And for 3 years in a row now he’s bought me this jar of horrible ginger stuff. I’ve casually mentioned it (looooong after Christmas) but no, he still buys it. It is beyond my comprehension. And he doesn’t have memory issues (he remembers every “issue” we had when together…). At least your shriveled raisins were surrounded by cinnamon bun-y yumminess :-D
But, like, his college classes are during the DAY! My forehead fret-line is not because “he might be a person who does his best work late at night,” it’s because “he might be a person who, if he is staying up until 6:00 a.m., might not be going to his very expensive college classes that start at 8:00 a.m.”!
Swistle, as someone who did stay up too late then slept through many, many morning classes, I can tell you that it’s not impossible that this is exactly the situation.
On the plus side, I never, ever failed a college class. Not even the one that I didn’t go to a single class for. For that one I did about half the assignments and the midterms and final, and passed by the skin of my teeth by studying from old exams, and remembering info from the labs, which I did have to attend (it was a biochemistry class). My parents still don’t know this. Fortunately they were not as observant about my sleep schedule as you are with your kids! :)
In case this is at all reassuring, when I was a college student and sometimes stayed up until dawn (90% procrastinating on big projects, 10% socializing either in person or online), I still went to the 8am classes. (and I was more likely to stay up very late – although not until dawn – for no real reason if I knew I could sleep waaay in the next day)
Admittedly, 1. I often slept through some of the classes, although usually then the afternoon ones instead of the morning ones that I went to having just showered myself awake, and 2. I demonstrated ably that sleep deprivation is not kind to the body and is also not conducive to the formation of long-term memory, but… At least I did go to classes?
My daughter is now out of college, but I will say-her staying up to what I consider waking time of next day is a concern to me. Humans aren’t nocturnal animals, and there is a reason we get up in the morning and to to bed at night. It isn’t societal, it is based in human evolution. She is an adult so I don’t say anything, but it is worrying to me.
Oh raisins, how I do dislike you. One thing I have noticed after almost 26 years of marriage-and after hearing so many women talk about their husbands…one thing my husband does do is pay attention to my likes and dislikes. He loves blue cheese, I hate it-he never cooks with blue cheese. I mention how I like something-then for Mother’s Day, my birthday, Christmas-I get it. The funny thing is so many times, I don’t feel like he is listening to me at all-he always has the TV on . So I guess what I am getting from this post, is a feeling of looking at your partner and thinking “WTH!”. How did he add raisins for my benefit?? It would be like my husband making dinner and adding blue cheese-I’d be like “are you nuts right now?”. By the way, I totally support your conditions, don’t tell me I’m lucky a guy makes cinnamon rolls in the morning. Here is the thing-we CHOSE men that bake us breakfast and on the whole-are good partners. I don’t feel LUCKY, I feel like I was freaking smart to do that.
Kirsty, I don’t suppose your ex could be deliberately buying you something you don’t like?
Me just now to my best friend/roommate person: “Ooooh I want cinnamon rolls! But no raisins!” And he responded “I’m not a monster!” Which should tell you how I feel about raisins. When you described the soaked ones I nearly gagged at the thought. Thank goodness for small dried up raisins! Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family! <3
Thank you, dear Swistle. Today I am thankful for our community of like-minded women, both online and IRL.
When we were dating, I received peach roses for my birthday because he couldn’t find pink ones. (Pink is my favorite color.) Now I receive peach roses for Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, Anniversaries. Occasionally, I receive pink roses, with an apology that they aren’t peach.
Ah, marriage.
Yes, yes, of course I appreciate any flowers, it’s the thought that counts, at least your husband buys you flowers, I acknowledge my luckiness without giving up my claim to the suckiness, etc.
After 20 years of marriage, my father brought home a giant tin of black licorice for my mother for her only Christmas present because he knew how much she loved licorice. I was a big kid home from my first semester at college, and I absolutely FROZE when the gift was given as I knew as everyone knew as NOONE could NOT KNOW that my mother hates black licorice. She likes Twizzlers. Not even red licorice. Twizzlers. Growing up she ate a little Twizzler snack every night before bed. I loved my dad but even I could see that it was not going to go well. Choice words were spoken, and I believe the licorice was literally dumped out in the snow.
My birthday was yesterday. My husband got me a smart watch. I have never, in our 20 years together, worn any type of watch. I also do not like electronic gadgets and have no interest in whatever it is that smart watches do. He is the type that will notice and feel bad if I don’t wear it. Luckily, he also got me Michelle Obama’s book, which I have been wanting to read. So I guess I’ll keep him.
I would have picked out every single raisin and eaten my mangled cinnamon bun under protest. Not coincidentally, my husband has stopped catering to my food likes/pickiness. By that I mean he has stopped paying attention, but still has the nerve to be upset when I remind him that he has never seen me eat onions on purpose, for example.
I love your posts so much
I completely, totally sympathise and share your puzzlement.
I am not a picky eater but I don’t like food that touching/sharing sauces. I will eat a stir fry or Chinese buffet but I separate different selections on the plate (often with rice in the centre). I eat all the options but I do not mix them together/pile them on top of each other.
This very night, my husband of near 20 years bought home Chinese takeout (his favourite) as a ‘treat’ for me. He bought me a mixed buffet selection with three different selections in one container. Literally, mixed together!!! For me. He seemed surprised when I expressed reservations. HE thought I would like it! He is genuinely puzzled. Isn’t this what I order (it is 100% not – to the extent that not one of the three was my usual choice).
I know everything about the man down to the brand of underwear he prefers and I am not confident he could pick me from a line up. Sigh.
I had to have an MRI a few weeks ago. I had 2 rings cut off because I could not get them off- possible arthritis the reason for the MRI. Anyway when I sent a photo of my naked hand sans rings Coach was puzzled. He texted back ‘?’ He did not realize that I had rings on that hand.
Just this fall he was telling me that I really HAD to figure out how to get those rings off out of concern. So- I was totally at a loss.
Last night we had my sister take a picture of all of us for our xmas card. I got home and inserted the best pic into possible xmas cards on snapfish. I called him over to ask his opinion.
He moaned ‘I just want the kids in the pic- NOT US.’ I was dumbfounded. Not 6 hours before he posed for the photo and there WAS conversation about it being easier to uae a photo today rather than paging thru vacation pics.
We have been married for 23 years. Still scratching my head.
I like raisins just fine, but the thought of them in cinnamon buns…well. It’s not a good thought. It’s like nuts in brownies; I love nuts! But why in baked goods, why? Well, the world is a mystery and marriage is a wonder.
This part reminds me so much of my husband: “he said that HE hated raisins in things but that I was always choosing food that had things in it that he hated.”
Once my husband brought home the ugliest Christmas wrapping paper I’d ever seen. I avoided it as much as possible, and when he asked me why I told him that I didn’t care for it. And then he said that he was trying to pick out something I would like. He looked for the wrapping paper that he thought was the gaudiest and ugliest wrapping paper that he could find, and then figured that I would like it . . .
I’d be somewhat concerned about the extreme night-owl thing if he signed up for morning classes. I’m a college professor who teaches 9am classes every semester (8am seems so early for university!), and many students roll in, barely on time, disheveled, pajama-wearing, and/or carrying food. It’s fine and unobjectionable if they’re prepared: they have the texts and writing assignments and are taking notes attentively at least, if not actively participating. So if he’s doing that, it’s probably fine. If not, not so much.
Also I feel ya on raisins– If you’re gonna ruin a delicious grape, make wine!
If it’s any consolation, I remember all of my high school and college breaks going that way—super late nights, getting out of bed whenever—but I (mostly) made it to my classes with no problem. That wasn’t my always schedule, just my home-from-school schedule.
*whispers* Is anyone willing to eat cinnamon buns with raisins with me? When my grocery store stopped carrying the Pillsbury ones with raisins many years ago, I was so sad. Or maybe Pillsbury stopped making them for me and the two other people buying them.
Haha! I was thinking the same thing. I will eat them with you!
Yes, please. And lots! We will feast while all these other people eat their cinnamon buns which are missing one of the most important ingredients…..the raisins! 😄
I love raisins in cinnamon buns and would be happy to split some with you! I am actually very sorry to see that Tim Horton’s no longer carries the “dutchie” donut, which was a square-shaped honey-dip with raisins in it. It was one of my favorites!
I adore this post. And I adore the fact that Paul did this for you…even if you hate raisins. But even if you DID like raisins; who would think to add them to a cinnamon buns?!
I will have been married 29 years in January – it still amazes me the things he hasn’t noticed over the years of living in the same house!
My husband does exactly this sort of thing on a daily basis. I too wonder if he may have early onset Alzheimer’s. But I think he just has “average onset I don’t give a shit”.
I have exactly the same attitude to raisins as you so I especially appreciate why this is particularly infuriating.
Today my husband was looking for something, and it was in a bag with some Xmas presents. So he just got one of the surprise Xmas presents out and set it on the side DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF THE RECIPIENT (a 4 year old). He doesn’t get why this is a bad thing to do it why I’m so cross. This is particularly annoying too because the gift is a magical type gift where the WHOLE POINT is that it is from santa, and can’t be purchased (husband showed it to the kid in its packaging).
He also “forgot” that our youngest isn’t allowed in our bedroom on her own (we have a lock on the outside of the door for this purpose) and has a shower leaving her in there to empty my nail varnish all over herself, clothes, carpet etc.
If you can believe it, my husband is a stay at home dad and I work.
All of this is to say, I have sympathy for this situation and I fully understand the feelings of incomprehension, cross-ness, and just general bewilderment really.
I am going to be mad about the Christmas present thing on your behalf. Possibly for years.
“average onset I don’t give a shit” ahahahaha! Seriously though, it sounds like you need to husband proof your house. Put a keyed lock on the bedroom door ,”honey, I need something out of the bedroom!” “not until you do your chores, dear.”
“Average onset I don’t give a shit” just totally did me in. Am going to think of H’s “condition” like this from now on.
A friend just posted a quote that features raisins and it made me think of you. I googled it to post it to you and came up with this magnet:
https://chicalookate.myshopify.com/products/dorothy-parker-terrible-with-raisins-quote-refrigerator-magnet-no-747
Stick that on your fridge and maybe Paul will remember that you don’t love raisins! ;)
“HE hated raisins in things but that I was always choosing food that had things in it that he hated.”
This is such a perfect example of husband logic. You like things he hates. He hates raisins in things. Ergo, you like things with raisins. I hope you realize that despite any conversation you may have had about your feelings on raisins, particularly warm raisins, he will remember this as an overall success that will reinforce his conclusion that you like things with raisins in them. I suspect that if you were to ask him right now whether you like raisins, he would absolutely say that you do. I fear you will be finding raisins put in things specially for you for a long time.
Let me also add, by way of reassurance, that whenever I was home from college I would stay up crazy late and sleep all morning into the afternoon even though I did not keep that kind of schedule at school. In fact, I had no trouble getting to 8am classes or a 6am shift at my coffee shop job. I cannot explain why I did this.
I feel your pain! My husband and I have been together for over 20 years. For the past 10 or so of those I have been a person who can only drink coffee in the afternoon because if I drink it in the morning I will caffeine-crash mid-afternoon and that sucks! And yet…EVERY Saturday morning, when he’s having his coffee he always says “Gonna get you some coffee?” I always (mostly) patiently have to re-explain my coffee predicament. All this to say I think I get how furious your raisin situation probably made you, even if such a high level of fury might seem to some to be unreasonable. Every f-ing Saturday!!! ARGH!
This post made me feel more kindly toward my husband, because he is apparently not alone in his cluelessness. Thank you.
I wouldn’t worry too much about the going to bed at 6 am thing. My husband is a night owl; his choice is to stay up all night. So on breaks that is how he rolls. But when he has to at work or has another responsibility he gets to bed and gets up when necessary. I, on the other hand, love my sleep and can’t seem to “sleep in” so staying up too late slays me.
First let me make my position clear: raisins in baked goods are disgusting. Warm raisins? GROSS.
More importantly: this reminds me of the time when we were cleaning out out guest room closet and found hardware H had bought years earlier to install another bar to hang clothing off of. He insisted he didn’t buy it and that I must have bought it. Reader, we’ve been together for 22 years and I have NEVER installed anything in our house. I’m not handy, I don’t build or make things, in our relationship that is not my job. And yet, H insisted I must have bought the stuff intending to install it. I honestly worried that he was losing his grip. It would have been equally likely for him to suggest I’d purchased a new engine that I intended to install in my car by myself. Just baffling. Baffling.
😂😂😂 hahaha, the car engine bit is hilarious 😂 I have had similar situations. My husband has genuinely believed that I have purchased like super specific rawl plugs (is that how you even spell it? Or is it “wall plugs?!” Do they even exist in America? (I’m in the UK). Anyway, these specific load bearing ones, which have to be inserted using another different drill bit 😂 I’ve never used a drill, wouldn’t even know where to find one in our house.
I COMPLETELY GET IT – the raisin thing AND the husband thing. I like raisin bran. I like a box of raisins now and then. I will eat an oatmeal raisin cookie, but not pay for it. But raisins in baked things? Warm, squishy raisins? No, no, a thousand times no. Also, my husband just recently stopped asking me if I want an iced tea (I hate iced tea) and we’ve been married for twenty-two years. Wait — twenty-three.
I think this is why people write autobiographies. The Hamilton lyrics, “Who lives? Who dies? Who tells your story?” keep running thru my mind. If I got hit by a bus, who could accurately tell my daughter stories about me? Eeks!
I’m Green with Envy! Waking up to Cinnamon Bun smell and I imagine coffee, too! You lucky girl!
And then finding out that the cinnamon buns have something she doesn’t like in them because her spouse of decades is clueless! SO LUCKY.
I detest raisins and don’t even like to touch them. My husband used to eat them and I would put them in his lunch and use a sandwich bag like a glove so I wouldn’t have to touch them. Yucky! Don’t put them in anything because I won’t eat it. Fortunately he doesn’t eat raisins much anymore or gets the little boxes of them. I am not sure he remembers how much I detest raisins, but we have been married 39 years and i have never, ever, liked raisins so I hope he would.
My son is 21 and a college boy. He’s been home for two years going to community college but leaving in January for a 4 year university. He goes to school and works a part time job. He also stays up all hours of the night. He tries to go to bed around 3 when he has a class or work, but if not, he will stay up super late and sleep til 2:00.
If your boys are gamers, they are probably playing games and their friends are probably online playing with them. My son is on a program where they can chat and play games. I know this because the games can get heated and we have heard him yelling or cheering at the game. And had to tell him to SHUT UP!
As much as I worry about him, he makes it to class and work on time!
He’s also tired all the time! I told him to get better sleep, but…at this age they just don’t care about sleep!