You know how there are certain stages of parenting that, when you get to them, it is such a pleasant relief, and it’s the kind of pleasant relief that just lasts and lasts, sometimes for YEARS of appreciation? Like, when everyone can wipe themselves in the bathroom: I STILL think of that sometimes with happy appreciation, even though it’s been years and YEARS. Or when everyone can buckle themselves in: it’s SO NICE to just get MYSELF into the car, and I STILL notice it. Or when you can say, “Hey, go take a shower, okay?” and the child just GOES AND TAKES A SHOWER, 100% all on their own, and returns a little while later in fresh clothes with combed and almost-clean wet hair??? Or when you can say, “Dad and I are going out for dinner, so you guys should make your own dinners tonight.” !!!!!! It is amazing, it’s all amazing.
(Which. I mean. Doesn’t this lead the rational person to conclude that it would be even more amazing to NEVER HAVE CHILDREN, so you NEVER have to do ANY of those things that are such a relief to be able to stop doing??)
I would like to add another one to that list of lovely reliefs, and it is the stage when kids are old enough to make their own plans without ME having to communicate with the other kids’ parents. My poor children did not have very many playdates when they were younger, because I can BARELY STAND to communicate with other parents about plans. But now I only have one kid left where I still need to discuss things with someone else’s parents; everyone else is at the stage where my child says to me, “Is it okay if I go to Ella’s house Saturday afternoon?,” and I say “Will a parent be there?,” and they say “Yes,” and I say “Sure.” Or I’ll get a text: “Can Aidan walk home with me after school?” and I’ll text back “Sure, if it’s okay with his parents.” AND THAT’S ALL I HAVE TO DO! I only have to communicate with my OWN CHILDREN, and sometimes I can do it by text!
I have one child and she’s a senior. I’m starting to feel like this year is a sort of reverse pregnancy. Month by month, I’m ticking off all of the obligations that will never need to be met again. I expected to be sad. I SO AM NOT.
It takes a toll, yo.
I have come to realize that the things I like most about being a parent are not the obligatory things, or at least not the obligatory things with deadlines. I like hanging out and chatting, which I think parents should do, but it doesn’t have to be done at a certain time.
I love the first paragraph of this post. I too continue to feel a happy sense of liberation about things. I come home from work and read! I go off to do errands by myself and just text updates on when I think I’ll be home, not that it usually matters much. I can ask if someone has done a chore and believe the answer.
Ooooh this is a stage I am looking forward to!
Favorite part : It’s basic logic.
With both teens and a tot in the house, I totally get what you’re saying. What a relief it is not to be responsible for entertaining the older two children! Having a teen who can DRIVE HIMSELF AND HIS BROTHER places they need to be? FABULOUS, HIGHLY RECOMMEND. OTOH, though, tots aren’t without their own sort of loveliness. Cute, unexpected ways of seeing the world — sweet baby hugs — being the mother of a toddler is exhausting (especially at my age — gulp) and the work and worry are never-ending, for sure. But he’s a cute little monsterpants.
Elizabeth is getting to this point. She has her own phone now and she makes her own plans with her friend and I just have to text the mom later and say “is this what you heard too?” I can only imagine how much better it will get.
WORD to this entire post. I continue to be amazed by all those things – the toilet use, the buckling up, the solo shower. It’s a little bit of joy every single time.
(Although I do continue to wonder if anyone is actually getting clean. But at least I don’t have to be directly involved so I’ll take it!)
I hadn’t noticed the plans thing but yes! That is happening now with my older two. So I shall add it to my own list of quiet delights.
In our house, we call the joy of NOT experiencing something a “Corey Hart Moment.” This is because a friend of my husband’s and mine once turned to us in university and exclaimed out of nowhere, “Corey Hart does NOT have a new album.” And we were all like, what? And he was like, someday, sometime, he WILL have a new album and it will be played everywhere and we will have to listen to it and hate it, and we should just take this moment to appreciate that that is not happening at this time. So we did.
And now every time a kid self-wipes or self-cleans or self-buckles I shall note those as small Corey Hart moments and appreciate the fact that I am doing NOTHING in regards to these activities. WIN.
I love this part too — my kids have been making their own social plans for a couple of years now, and it’s such a delight! Then this last weekend I planned a birthday party for my son, which involved invitations through the parents, because of transportation, and I appreciated the usual situation even MORE.
YES. The wiping their own butts thing is gold. My elder child is now old enough to coordinate her own schoolwork. No checking the planner, no sitting with her to make sure she does it, no listening to her read aloud. There is only checking in to make sure she is comfortable that she understands the material, has the resources she needs, isn’t having personal issues with other kids (I am terrified she’ll experience middle school bullying like I did), and isn’t feeling overwhelmed. Such a relief.
Unfortunately, I’m enjoying it so much I have to check myself when the younger one wants Mom to tuck him in and I start getting grumpy about having to pause my show for the tenth time in the last half hour to cuddle.
Being the activity director for my child is one of my least favorite things. And my least favorite activity director duty is scheduling his weekly gaming with three other parents. I hate it so much.
The buckling and unbuckling in the car is something I am grateful for every day! Also, what approximate age did yours (anyone reading this) start making their own plans? I let my 9 year old and her friend do this Sunday (on my phone and friend’s mom’s phone so I knew parents were aware) and well, it worked out in the end but it was also very obviously planned by a couple of 9 year olds. (All said and done I will admit that the fact that I didn’t have to plan it meant more than the miscommunication in planning.
My oldest has her license and a car, and it’s a delight to not have to drive her places. She went out with her friends on Friday, and drove herself home by midnight. She had friends over on Saturday and her friends drove themselves to my house. She went homecoming dress shopping with her sister (who is also in high school), during the day, on a week day, so I did not have to deal with the mall. I don’t have to take her to soccer practice or to games (I go to some of the games, but last week it was it at 2:30 in the afternoon, 45 miles away from the house, you’re on your own kid). It’s a wonderful age.
YES to all this. But also – isn’t it annoying when parents of kids the same age as yours still do all the play dating set up?? I have several parents of friends of my kid who are constantly texting me to control and organize things, while I’m thinking “your kid has a phone or at least has my kid’s phone number! They see each other in school! Why are you involving me in this? Let them have their freedom and let me be lazy please and thank you.”
The liberation I felt most acutely was when Monkey could entertain herself in the mornings. I NO LONGER HAD TO WAKE UP AT 5AM TO SUPERVISE A VERY. AWAKE. CHILD.
Here’s the remote! You know how to get to Kid Netflix! I’ll see you in a couple hours!
THIS. My kids are 16 and 10 and I STILL feel the thrill on weekend mornings when they get themselves up and entertained while I sleep in. It’s been years but I’m still so SO happy about that development. SO HAPPY
cosign!
So there is hope? My 21 month old barfed three times in the last 24 hrs (once at home, once in front of her sister’s preschool, once at home AT NIGHT), and now that she’s feeling better she looks cuter… but all the hands on management wears a woman right down.
You and I commented at the same time and this reminds me: I’m VERY grateful my kids eventually learned to barf in buckets or toilets! I have very barfy kids, and it blew my mind that their toddler instinct was to come to me for soothing and then barf on me instead of into a receptacle.
And here I thought I had a special mom talent for getting them to barf on/down my shirt. It’s handy, actually, saved the couch at least once [crying laughing emoji].
Oh, the BEST, the BEST sentence ever “Mum, I threw up”. “oh – are you ok?”. “Yeah, I’m just gonna lie down”. Oh Bliss! Yes, just lie down. Yes, get yourself a wash cloth. Yes, have a shower if you need.
Being vomited on. Just no. Ugh.
For those who aren’t there yet. This happened for me around age 6. By 6 they vomit in the toilet/bucket. By 10 they no longer want to lay their sweaty, vomit fresh heads on your shoulder.
I think it depends on the frequency of the barfing: mine were barfing in buckets/toilets by about age 3. Sound great yes? But it’s due to the fact that they were so prone to vomiting (at least once a month) that there were a lot of “teaching opportunities”.
To this day (and my kids are now 11 and 13) we have buckets in each of our cars, and in each of their rooms within arms reach when they’re in bed. They both suffer from migraines and vomit if the pain gets too intense. My son has food allergies and it caused a lot of vomiting before we figured out what the problem was. Plus I’ve actually known them to feel fine, spontaneously barf, then feel fine again.
I notice there are a couple of things listed in the comments as things which people are grateful to not have to do anymore, but which I never did, and it’s making me wonder if I was lucky or somehow overlooked a parental responsibility. My kids never woke up at 5:00 am and generally always slept until a moderately decent time like maybe 7:00 or so (don’t hate me!). I never sat with my kids and supervised homework, I just let the teachers know that she or he should let me know if my kids were having any sort of issues.
I sure am grateful I don’t have to buckle anyone into the car, wipe butts, or make lunches anymore though! At most I have to do lunch spot checks and get a bit yelly if I see no evidence of a vital component like fruits or veggies in their bags.
Not being woken before dawn by a kid: Lucky.
Not supervising homework: Usually a choice, although some kids with LDs need the help. But I assumed the idea behind homework was that it was the kid’s homework, not mine, given that I have already graduated.
I thought this too, about the homework. But then I learned that the teachers at my son’s (comparatively good, public) middle school do not, in fact, mark or correct the homework — they just mark it as done. What my son learns from this is that he can do work of awful quality as long as it involves some scratches on paper, or google docs.
I get the thrill of doing things like insisting that he use punctuation, capitalize words appropriately, and write out equations correctly. Argh.
And they don’t go over homework in class? My kids’ high school teachers have said they don’t grade homework because it’s practice, and you don’t grade what’s essentially a diagnostic test.
But if they aren’t learning anything from their homework, it’ll show up on the quizzes/exams.
They go over it in class. I suppose if my son had the fear of God/parents/grades in him, this might be enough. But at his current age/stage/motivation, he grasps “consequences for this assignment right now” but not “… might have later consequences.”
Also, he tests well (plenty of the tests are mostly multiple choice; like his mom, i.e., me, he doesn’t need to know the material to do well on those…), so the don’t-know-the-material-for-the-test effect is muted. But the “don’t understand how to apply the concept in useful ways” phenomenon can be stark. I was flabbergasted at how little he understood of the usefulness of the Pythagorean theorem and for how long, last year.
I am so enjoying so many things about having older kids. Oldest being able to drive himself and getting my old car has been such a freeing experience. He’s very responsible so instead of being worried that he’s driving, I’m thrilled. Now he just informs us that he has plans and . . . gets himself there and back. I also still appreciate so much that my kids get themselves breakfast. Sure, it’s been a few years but I’m still so happy about it every school-day morning. Every step towards decreasing the amount of running around and needing to divide my time 50 different ways in the hour before everyone goes to school and work is a blessing
With a very nearly 4-year-old and a newborn I feel like I’m only just starting to enter the days of being chauffeur/diary coordinator/socialising cheerleading coach for my kids. It’s a daunting prospect! My social life at the weekends is largely birthday party based, and it’s not even so much the parties but the invites and the thank yous, and the politely dealing with clashes, and the being tactful when other parents might not get on… bleurgh.
And while my daughter obligingly toilet trained herself at night the day her brother was born, and can now dress herself, I still have to go through ALL OF IT with him. Man I’m tired.
There are so many underrated milestones. Mine are 6 and 2… the 2 year old can now sit in a restaurant without a high chair, and eat relatively unattended, which is HUGE and HIGHLY underrated. I’m unfortunately entering the age with the 6 year old, of making the plans… one of her current “besties” has a mom who is young enough to be my own child (24 to my 42) but she’s very pleasant so it’s fine.
I find myself wondering how my parents did all this coordinating with – horrors – a land line!! I felt bewildered when a couple of parents called me to RSVP to a bday party – who calls anyone when there’s texting available?? And now I have to somehow remember/record the RSVP? No thanks!
I’m very much looking forward to some more underrated milestones.
My parents just… didn’t coordinate. I seriously remember just one single playdate from my childhood, mostly I just went to the odd very rare birthday party or sleepover. Much more common was my mom visiting with her friends who also happened to be moms and I played with the kids of the other moms. In other words, playdates were more around who the parents wanted to see, and not kid-centric like they are now.
Yes to this. “Playdate” was not even a word in the mid/late 70s and into the 80s (at least not in my area)! My parents didn’t handle any organizing of my social life when I was younger than a teen… and when I was a teen, I handled it. We talked at school, or on the landline phone and set plans. And people showed up! We had to be reliable because we couldn’t cop-out last minute with a “I can’t make it” text. Now, some teens come up with such elaborate plans… my 11th grade daughter always tells me about some plans her friends make and without fail the plans always change 45 times in 2 days. She and I just laugh about it now.
I think younger kids are just much more social now (almost annoyingly so!) Teens hanging out at a mall was a thing in the 80s. Now pre-teens do it. I feel like everything has gotten bumped to younger now. Whatever kids were doing in high school in the 80s, middle school kids do now. And so on.
We had our three kids all four year apart (so eight years gap oldest to youngest), so every time we mark off a milestone with one we have a loooong time until the next one does. It’s the only thing I don’t like about our spacing (otherwise I LOVE it). Our middle kiddo just stopped needing our help in the bathroom and is out of nighttime pull-ups! But we will be changing the youngest’s diapers for two years at least still. Basically we will have been changing diapers for 10-11 years by the time we’re done.
SHOES!!! The best milestone ever. The one that makes me smile regularly. Telling my kids that it is time to go so please put on your shoes….. and then they do!
Also buckling into car seats.
And having an older teenager who can sit in the front seat and supervise. So I can buy fuel and go and pay without taking everyone out and then buckling them all in again while the people in the line silently hate me. (In my country it is illegal to leave a child in the car without someone over the age of 15 supervising them).
Oooh, or being able to sit in the car and send the teenager into the shop with my credit card and they can buy the milk and bread and a new notebook or whatever and we can all stay in the car – no stroller – no umbrella – no pleeeese Mummy can you buy….
Clearly there are lots of milestones that I LOVE. I did like having littles. I like having bigs as well. :)
I love all of these milestones! Also, the fact that I no longer have to wrestle little people in and out of snowsuits. You want to play in the snow? There’s the closet. This one and the seatbelt one I think will always bring me joy.
Also I no longer have to help carve jack o’ lanterns!
When I had first had a baby I was surprised by some of the weird caretaker chores I had never considered before, like trimming finger and toenails. I suddenly had an extra 20 nails to trim every other week. Currently I have 80. I’ll be so happy when they can do this on their own!!
My kiddo is 12, so we’ve just crossed into the “I still have to drive you, but I don’t have to go in” phase of activity management. I got to rest and read OUTSIDE the nickle arcade last night. Bliss. (Although at 12 I definitely took the public bus to places, sans cell phone.)
The buckling into car seats milestone will forever be my favorite one they outgrow. I hate it more than I hate wiping tushies.
Play dates are the worst. I can’t tell if everyone hates making them or if my kid just isn’t liked, but we had our first play date invite last week and she’s in 1st grade. Meanwhile, my 3 year old in preschool has someone from school wanting a play date with her.
I am all about making my kids socialize with the kids of my friends.
Being “Julie the Cruise Director” is 100% my least favorite parenting activity. I try to pawn it off on my husband as much as possible because 1) he is good at it 2) he can walk out of an interaction/pick-up/bday party and not question every word he exchanged or possible weirdness but wow, so many Moms don’t want to believe he is the social coordinator and keep texting me. I loathe it.
Oh I love this site.
The car seat thing is my favorite too. We have just reached that stage, and every time I get in the van without having to do up car seat buckles I inwardly rejoice. Especially now that the winter approaches!
My oldest can now do all her own laundry, and one less kid’s clothes to deal with has been great. I have to check that she actually folds it, versus stuffing it into her drawers fresh from the dryer, but still! One less job for me = win!
The day both my kids could SWALLOW PILLS was THE BEST!! No more having to get them to swallow liquid medicine that tastes bad or crush pills and try to mix it with something. My son took a daily pill for years that I had to crush for him and it was always a struggle for him to get it down. No matter how many times we attempted to teach him to swallow it, he just couldn’t get it. Cut to him going to an overnight camp where I left detailed instructions to the nurse about how to give him the medicine and magically my son came home knowing how to swallow the pill! Apparently he didn’t want to look like a baby being fed a crushed up pill by the nurse and willed himself to swallow it. Best Camp Ever!
I seldom claim to be a rational person, but I feel like it’s better to have HAD to do the things and then to NOT HAVE TO do them anymore than to just never have to do them, although I’m certain that child-free people do spend a certain amount of time being massively relieved that they never have to wipe another person’s butt or cook meals for a bunch of people. I also appreciate so much that I can go out in the evening when my husband is away, although it turns out having kids did nothing to actually make me want to go out at night, especially in the winter, that much more than I ever wanted to. Still, nice to have the option.