Things that have made me sad since William left for college:
• Mistakenly thinking I heard the washing machine going (it was someone doing dishes) and briefly assuming William must be doing laundry, then realizing William is no longer here and so is not in my way doing his laundry. This should have been a happy thought but WAS NOT.
• Finding in the laundry room a last basket of clean laundry scraps from William doing all the rest of his laundry and then leaving behind the cloth napkins, dishtowels, handkerchiefs, aprons, and other things that were tossed into the empty washing machine and so got mixed in with his things.
• At the grocery store, not needing to buy pasta, pasta sauce, buffalo chicken patties, or frozen burritos. (These are the things William makes himself for Second Dinner.)
• Briefly thinking we should wait until William gets up to see if he wants to go to Target with us.
• Getting a dozen doughnuts (a family tradition after anyone has a medical procedure) and doing the Doughnut Math wrong. (The children don’t understand why this one made me sad instead of happy, since it means more doughnuts for each of us.)
• Going into William’s room to make sure he didn’t forget anything important, and not needing to knock.
• Going into William’s room to look for the cat, and seeing the bed stripped, and the cat sitting on the folded comforter.
• Talking with Paul about something related to Thanksgiving, and saying “the boys” will probably be home for that.
• Putting out only three plates for kid dinner. Getting out only three vitamins.
• Doing all meal math wrong, then correcting it. “Let’s see, toasted cheese, I need 8 slices of bread…no, 6.”
• Doing Child Inventory and briefly thinking William is at work or up in his room, instead of at college.
Many people told me they found it emotionally easier when the second child left for college, but I found it tougher because I truly knew how much I’d miss her and how different life would be.
This is what I wanted to ask: is it easier or harder the second time around? My older daughter left last fall, and my younger daughter is a senior now so I’m staring down the barrel of another move-out next fall. I’m dreading it because I know the grief is coming, and with it an empty nest.
In some ways it’s easier this time, because I know last time I felt quite a bit better by Thanksgiving. But in some ways it’s harder, because my firstborn was argumentative and he picked fights that made me want to cry, whereas my secondborn is funny and a de-escalator.
My first child left for college two weeks ago, and the thing that broke me was walking in her room and seeing her flute on the shelf. I have heard her practice flute in her room for the past eight years, and it broke my heart to think that I wouldn’t hear any more music coming from her room. Oh, I am crying just typing this.
Also I have noticed a lot of the groceries I bought just sitting there unopened, not realizing that she was the one that ate that cereal or that type of bagel.
Mine is a senior and she’ll be playing her flute in college. But I can already feel that it’s going to gut me not hearing her practice at night. Not only does the sound mean she’s home, she’s just.so.good on it and I never knew that a musician was what I always wanted.
Amazing that they only offer us something for the pain that one time.
My oldest is just starting her senior year and this makes me cry! I have found that lots of growing up milestones make me happy and excited for her, but then melancholy with my second because this is just going to keep happening – all 4 of them are going to grow up!
Hugs to you! I am super curious how your younger kids deal with the siblings leaving. I was the oldest in my family and never thought about how it was for my brother, but he was just a year behind me.
I’d like to hear about the younger siblings’ feelings too! I have a senior, a junior, and an 8th grader right now. A couple weeks ago, we had a conversation about how this could be the last year that they (the 3 kids) live together full-time (they won’t be forced to live elsewhere after college, but as one is moving back in, the youngest could be moving out). Anyway… when my oldest started high school, one of his sisters (the one closest in age) missed him terribly. For reference, they went to a K-8 grade school, so were together (same school, same bus, same schedule) for 5 years. When the oldest went to HS, he was up and out before they were awake, and he didn’t get home until a half hour after them (and that’s if he came home after school and wasn’t staying for a sport/activity). Thankfully this was only a year as the middle child was at the same high school the next year. My youngest is more independent, and the schedule change bothered her less. But next year, she’s headed to HS while the oldest heads to college. My daughters will have one year together in high school, before middle child also heads to college. It’s gonna be a two-year whirlwind! Already kind of is…
I have been cycling between numb and wrecked since Noah left.
Yes. All of these. As the weeks pass your grocery bill will thank you, but until then you’ll be caught unguarded and woundable. Are the boys at the same university? If they are, that helps.
They aren’t, but they ALMOST were (Rob’s college was one of William’s two finalists). I do wish they were!
Kids. So close to making your life easier.
I relate so well. Unfortunately. My oldest, Lad, made things difficult for the rest of the family his senior year and that summer, so we were ready for his college experience to begin. That sounds horrible but we do better with distance. Eddie, 2nd son, just started his freshman year and I am having a hard time. He was very into protein shakes and now when I make a protein shake I always make way too much. He helped out around the house or drove people as needed and was interested in what everyone else was doing. He had a presence here and I know from experience that when he comes home it will be temporary. Sigh. His school is only 4 hours away at least. And Missy, the youngest is 11. It broke my heart watching her say good bye to him. Longest sibling hug on record. She was a mess. She has already colored a picture and sent it for his room.
This post and the comments have left me with an unexpected lump in my throat. It will get easier, surely – but that in itself is bittersweet. Sending love.
My only is srarting her senior year of HS tomorrow, and all the firsts/lasts/last-firsts are making me so emotional! I’m grateful that we have a few good college options in our area, so she likely won’t go away next year. Going away would be good for her, but I would miss her terribly. Although I also don’t want to become those parents in NY who had to take their 30 year old son to court to get him out of their house…
My oldest is a freshman in high school right now. This post is killing me as I see it being my future. 😭😭
I was fine at dropoff, but weeks after I got back, I kept thinking I heard College Boy coming down the stairs, and it wasn’t him, duh.
Now that he’s started his sophomore year, I can’t stop Doing the Math about how much time he’s going to be under our roof, and it’s not a lot. Which is what is supposed to happen, and I am happy for him, but couldn’t he go off to live independently and also be around in the evenings to play board games? Or make me mac and cheese when I have a cold, then watch TV with me and make snarky and correct comments?
I picked up doughnuts this morning in an effort to be a Nice Mom, and the woman who filled the box talked about how my kids must be growing up and the oldest was always so sweet to the youngest blah blah blah.
Everyone said it would be easier the second year but it’s not. I sort of hate that I’m being so predictable, and then I hate that I hate that, because why should I be special? He’s my kid, I love him, he’s gone, it makes sense to be sad. And blackberries were the thing that made me saddest last year – not having to buy them because he’s the only one that eats them. Actually, I really like blackberries, but I always just let him eat them. I could buy blackberries and eat them myself. Well, there’s a revelation anyway.
Can I ask about Swistle Family Mealtimes? I see from this post that there is a Kid Dinner and a William Second Dinner and presumably a Swistle&Paul Dinner. How does this work? Or is there a post from the archives that explains it? Babykins is transitioning to solid foods, so we are trying to figure out how to eat like a respectable family instead of the two adult slobs we used to be.
It is an ever-evolving thing. Paul and I used to eat dinner after the kids went to bed, when they were littler. Now we all eat at the same time, but I make something for the kids and something keto for myself, and Paul makes his own dinner; or else I make something we can all pick from on our own, like tacos.
The grocery store hit me the hardest — probably because I show love via food — for both kids. It was a little easier when my son, the eldest, left because like Ernie’s Lad, he was making things difficult for the rest of the family and we all needed a break. My youngest (daughter) was super attached to me when she left for college so it was especially heart-wrenching. I remember crying as I gathered all the stray hair ties in her room the day after she left.
*hugs*
I have to assume I will feel the same way about my kids moving on to college and then out as I did about their sleep schedules as small kids.
When they were tiny, I just wanted them to sleep later, especially on weekends, so that I could sleep. I used to look forward longingly to the day when they would sleep until noon. Now that they do sleep later, I pretty desperately miss the early morning play time, and getting to be a huge part of their lives. I am apparently never satisfied…
The stripped bed with the cat on the comforter, I was doing okay until that part.
Thank you for these posts! Somehow it feels like reading about it as it happens to someone else will help prepare me for next year when my oldest starts college. And that’s a very comforting thought!!!
My oldest went off last year and I was just as emotional this year when she left as last – which surprised me. I cried reading all these comments, so I’m still weepy, apparently.
My youngest is a senior in high school and I find myself melancholy A LOT thinking of being all alone next Fall. I’m happy for them and this is what your kids do – make their own way, etc. – but I’m still sad about it.