Recently we had two situations where something patriotic happened and I went with what I thought was the right response, but then felt very uncertain and worried I’d looked silly. So I did what I mean to do EVERY year, and I LOOKED IT UP. Not that I will necessarily remember those answers for the future.
First situation: school band played the national anthem before a concert. My response: stand up, hand over heart, sing along to the parts I remember. Part I was uncertain about: hand over heart. Everyone who was able to do so stood up, which made that part easy, but a lot of people WEREN’T doing hand-over-heart and I was worried I was overdoing it and/or looking foolish; I wondered if maybe hand-over-heart was just for the pledge and I was mis-applying it.
Second situation: Memorial Day parade, flag was carried past. My response: stand up, hand over heart, hiss at the children and Paul to stand up. Part I was uncertain about: all of that. Also, there were multiple flags scattered throughout the parade: did I need to stand for all of them? keep hand over heart for all of them? I started feeling silly. We were in a sparsely-populated part of the parade route, which made it harder to look to others for cues, but a few people nearby were sitting in lawn chairs and didn’t stand, and others were already standing anyway and didn’t do hand-over-heart, so I felt conspicuous and wondered if I was overdoing it.
My source for information, when I looked it up: Emily Post: Flag Etiquette. (I prefer Judith Martin / Miss Manners, but I had a harder time finding a good online source for her views on flag etiquette, and I wanted something I could link to.)
The conclusion, based on that source: I was not wrong. For the national anthem, civilian citizens are supposed to stand if able to do so, face the flag, and put hand over heart: hand-over-heart is the civilian equivalent of the military salute, which is something I didn’t know. If you’re, say, volunteering at an elementary school, and they start the pledge over the intercom, you’re supposed to face the nearest flag (or the intercom, if no flag is visible), stand up if able to do so, and put your hand over your heart. You don’t have to pledge/sing, you only have to stay quiet if you’re not pledging/singing; you MAY pledge/sing if you’d like to.
For a passing flag in a parade, citizens are supposed to stand, face the flag, and salute (military- or civilian-style as applicable). According to the VFW Auxiliary, this only needs to be done for the FIRST flag of the parade, and not for every single flag scattered throughout the parade, and not for little hand-held flags that people are waving for fun as opposed to carrying ceremonially. That makes sense to me; otherwise, a person would have to remain standing and saluting throughout the entire parade, and that cuts into the cheering/clapping time.
I never stopped to think about it, but yes, first flag seems to get special treatment and then after that you get to sit down.
Re: singing the national anthem. My parents always sang it (standing, with hand on heart) but I noticed at HS sporting events that about half the people simply stood with HOH. I haven’t gone out to events like this lately so I wonder what the proportion is now.
Now I have all these images of Jennifer Lawrence in Hunger Games doing the rebellion salute ;)
I recently had a moment of similar uncertainty. I was on the stage for graduation for the college where I work and we started with the national anthem (which, why? I do not understand the need to start major public events with the anthem, but that is a whole other thing). I am at the stage in my life where I feel rather actively unpatriotic and I stood for the anthem but could not bring myself to put my hand on my heart. I don’t want to be actively disrespectful I just couldn’t do it. I settled for clasping my hands behind my back and facing the flag with a carefully neutral expression and hoped for the best.
My son usually takes a knee for the anthem and/or pledge at school and I kind of wish I had that level of courage.
Wow, Mad props to your son. And I agree about the anthem starting every major public event.
I had a similar thing happen at a funeral. I’ve been to a LOT of funerals (because that is something rural lawyers here do) and I feel like I know the etiquette. I sat in the back for the funeral of my former boss’ dad and therefore was the first person to be released at the end. I walked up the aisle, talked very briefly (that was a nice service) to my former boss, his adult children who I know, his sister, then walked up to the pastor and told her it was a nice service and slowly walked past the casket and then out the door. When I got out the door the people who were released behind me did not follow me, they were just leaving! It’s one of those things that occasionally wakes me up at 3 am.
I just had this issue at an elementary school (not my kids, but one of my kids was there). You didn’t mention hats but I think you take off your hat? Well I’m growing out a short short haircut and my kids call me Bob Ross if that gives you a picture of my hair. I’m NOT taking off my hat. Also I don’t want to put my hand over my heart because I’m MAD at my country but I physically can’t take a knee (i mean someone would have to help me up). So thank you, I was wondering about all of this.
I don’t know where Sam-with-a-cat-picture falls on the gender spectrum, but assuming based on growing the hair out that you are female, *technically* you are not required to remove your hat. Only men are required to. Ladies were not expected to mess with their hat pins.
Good luck explaining that to the indignant person at the event behind you, though. :)
I learned growing up that clapping for the playing-of-a-recording of the National Anthem was disrespectful. You should only clap if it’s performed live. I have no idea if this is accurate. It came from my mom’s side, and her father and 5 uncles were all in the military. I abide by it, as it’s easy enough to do.
I’ve long wondered how it became a thing to remove your hat for the National Anthem!
Also – yes! – why do we trot out the anthem constantly?!?
I was taught that you NEVER clap for the anthem because to clap implies that you could not clap, i.e., if you are clapping, you are saying you appreciated THAT performance, and by extension, might not appreciate some OTHER performance. So, I never clap for the anthem.
You’ve made me curious about what the rules are here in Canada so I had to google it. (The government of Canada has a helpful page with instructions, as it turns out.) I discovered that “when the National Flag of Canada is raised or lowered, or when it is carried in a parade or review, everyone present should face the flag, remain silent and remove their hats. Those in uniform should salute.” So we don’t do the hand over heart stuff — which I knew because I’d never seen anyone do it, but it’s nice to have confirmation.
But there were other interesting things, some of which I did not know; such as, there is an exception to the “never fly the Canadian flag upside down” rule. You can do it as a signal of distress in instances of extreme danger to life. Interesting! Also I learned that being laid to rest with the flag is an honour that is not solely reserved for the funerals of soldiers, veterans, and dignitaries but for all Canadians.
Everything you said above makes sense and meshes with what I’ve been taught.
One additional etiquette item: I was taught (by my mother who has lots of musical training and Knows These Kinds of Things) is that during the national anthem, if there is a vocal soloist, the crowd is to remain quiet and listen to the anthem. If there is not (for example if a band plays or a recording is used) the crowd is encouraged to sing the anthem.
Although I might choose not to sing along at a school band concert, since the point of the event is to hear the band- but the school band playing at any other event, would definitely consider singing along! (But also would not judge anyone who chose to sing at the band concert, either.)
Related: I remember being super surprised when flag apparel (t-shirts, swimsuits, dresses) first became popular, worn as a sign of patriotism. This is in the US military flag code: “The flag should never be used as wearing apparel, bedding, or drapery. “
Also related: I was at a graduation this weekend, and a man was wearing a CONFEDERATE flag shirt. (This is not in the south but could be considered a border state for Civil War purposes) He STOOD UP for the anthem and the pledge. I genuinely do not understand why.
Indeed. Here is an interesting article on that —
https://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=4703359 .
I was taught that one never, ever, wears the flag (or anything crafted to look like the flag). The flag is — the flag and to wear it would be horrifically disrepectful. This is, I trust we can agree, a minority view in this day and age.
Not American here, but I would take “The flag should never be used as wearing apparel, bedding, or drapery.“ to be talking about a literal flag, not apparel or fabrics that feature flag designs. So, no wearing the flag as a toga or cape, spreading it on your bed to use as a sheet or blanket, or hanging it up in the window to serve as a curtain.
Yep, what you learned pretty much lines up with what I was taught. People have become SO casual about everything that a lot of people do NOT put their hand on their heart OR take off their hats.
We replaced the flag that hangs on our porch this year and had to explain to our son that there is a special ceremony for disposing of the flag (my husband will take it to the VFW for proper disposal), because he had no clue.
As an elementary school teacher I have said the pledge A LOT!! Think 175 days a year Times 20 years of teaching…….
Of course I have also sung “Happy Birthday” more times than most people too! 23-25 kids a year times 20 years…..
And counting!!
Is there formal etiquette for what to do if you don’t want to pledge or salute? In school, there were people who didn’t for religious reasons, and the standard was to stand quietly with your hands linked behind your back. I wonder now if that was just our school system’s solution or if it was universal.
Emily Post says that the etiquette for people who are NOT citizens (and this seems good also for citizens who wish to abstain) is to stand quietly, but not salute or recite. This reminds me of the guidelines for someone who is not religious, when the group goes for a prayer: one bows one’s head and tidies one’s hands, but need not close one’s eyes, nor specifically shape one’s hands into “praying” hands, nor participate in any spoken element.
I’ve seen recent posts on Facebook about the flag in a parade, so I just learnt about that. Though I managed to not remember when I went to a recent funeral procession for a fire fighter. I wasn’t sure about the hand-on-the-heart thing – probably should have gone with that.
I do know that when you’re at school for an assembly and you’re there early to get a good spot, you then get to hear the announcements and so join in the pledge. I feel super American doing that, since I grew up in the UK and we don’t have an equivalent thing.
The pledge at school is a weird thing. I (teacher) stand and say it if kids are around, but if not I usually don’t bother (that block is my planning block so I don’t have a class in my room). One morning, though, an administrator was in my room going over some paperwork when the pledge came on… I was prepared to ignore it but watched to do whatever the admin did, so we stood and said the pledge together and it was super awkward!
Sarah-I’m a substitute teacher, and I used to wonder what I should do when I’m alone in the room. All schools in the district I work in have the message before the pledge, wherever you are, please stand and say the pledge-so I do. One of my existential problems is I’m an atheist, and it goes against my beliefs to say “under God”, but I suck it up when I’m with the students, omit that part when I’m by myself. It IS awkward when it is just you and another adult-usually we are in the middle of a chat, and we have to stop and say the pledge.
I wish the pledge would go back to the way it was before 1954, before they entered the “under God” to combat the fear of Communist threat.
Just my two cents though! Completely understand that other people don’t feel the same way!!
Cara, as a Quaker I remain seated during the pledge/national anthem. I do remain quiet out of respect for others’ desire to hear/participate. I’m not aware of what etiquette says one is supposed to do, but I imagine that would typically be observed by visitors from other countries rather than religious opt-outers. We tend to do our own thing. :)
I love that you admit to what the rest of us really do – look around and see what everyone else is doing . . . and in a parsley populated area of the parade that doesn’t work. Too funny!
I stand, hand over heart, and sing the anthem or recite the pledge. In parades, yes, the first flag is the one we stand and salute. I grew up saying the pledge and often singing the anthem or My Country ’tis of Thee (younger grades) every day in school. I was a Girl Scout all the way through school and then after college worked for the Girl Scouts for many years. I can fold a flag in my sleep and plan a flag burning ceremony (the proper way to dispose of a flag). I put up my flag for Memorial Day. I guess I know my flag etiquette. I, too, hissed at my family to stand and salute. To me it’s showing respect for my country. I don’t like our current president or the politics that are going on these days but I will still stand and salute the flag of my country and sing the anthem. I can’t imagine not doing that–what if we were told not to or face punishment for doing so by a political figure? I totally understand standing and not participating if you have different beliefs or objections. I also understand taking a knee and am happy to see that. Hats should come off during the anthem and indoors, too. Many people not too much younger than I am didn’t recite the pledge and sing the anthem everyday in school, so they don’t know it. Personally, I think that’s a shame. I do have pride in my country and I want to show it. I wouldn’t shake Trump’s hand, but I will honor the flag.