It doesn’t make for a very interesting post, but I can report that Mother’s Day 2019 went far better than Mother’s Day 2018.
As it approached, I began to feel nervous and also sheepish: I didn’t want a BIG DEAL made out of Mother’s Day, because it’s NOT a big deal to me; I literally just wanted NOT NOTHING. I didn’t want jewelry or expensive flowers or ANYTHING expensive, I didn’t want to go out to eat on a crowded-restaurant day, I didn’t want the kids to spend a lot of their own money on stuff. I was afraid that by addressing it last year, even as calmly and explainingly and specific-examplefully as I did, people would go overboard this year, and then I would have to re-correct, and UG why is something that seems so simple to me so hard to explain??
If you recall, here is the sort of thing I was looking for: (1) Not having to do any dishes all day. (I don’t even MIND doing dishes normally, but last year there was something extra demoralizing about finding a fresh pile of other people’s dishes on the counter every single time I went into the kitchen.) (2) Maybe someone suggests going out to get some doughnuts, because they remember Mom likes doughnuts, and also because THEY like doughnuts. (3) And/or perhaps Paul takes some of the kids to the car wash with my minivan and they get it washed and then see what they can do with the car wash’s coin-operated vacuum cleaner, because they remember how I rhapsodize when the car is freshly cleaned and because these are tasks that are funnish for the kids. (4) And/or perhaps they remember I like grocery store flowers, so Paul takes some of the kids to the grocery store (it’s right by the car wash!) and they pick out one of the $4.99-$6.99 flowering plants for me, and Paul pays for it. (5) And, overall: I was looking for Paul to do some work TRAINING THE KIDS to be thoughtful and think of others and so forth. I like sweets, I like cheap flowers, I like things to be clean without me being the one to clean them, I like people to notice what I like, I am not some sort of IMPOSSIBLE CIPHER.
(When the kids were younger, what I wanted was more than anything else for Mother’s Day was Time Away from the Kids in a Quiet House with a Pint of Ice Cream; now that they’re older, this is no longer specifically on my list, though of course always in season.)
Things got off to a shaky, uncertain start when Paul suggested several days before Mother’s Day that he and I could go on our own to a Mother’s Day prix fixe brunch at a snobby dressy expensive restaurant near us. That’s the opposite of what I described: the kids are not involved; it’s expensive; it’s going out to eat when it’s crowded, at a place that is not at all where I like to go. And, like, I don’t want to dictate other people’s gift-giving, but he explicitly said last year that he did nothing because he didn’t know what to do (imagine my facial expression), and so last year I explained at some length the SORT of low-pressure, low-expense kind of thing that would be my own personal preference, and how to get to those ideas on his own in the future since it kind of ruins it if I have to decide what they should do for me for Mother’s Day, and also explained how to train the children to think of thoughtful things for someone else (“the same way I am training you right now, but they’re children so you can do it without the incredulous facial expression I’m wearing”)—and so now this is a matter of Actively Not Listening, which is Worse Than Nothing. Also, we are ALREADY in the zone of “Why do I have to do this work for you when you are a FULLY-GROWN ADULT and this is the TWENTIETH Mother’s Day we have had together??,” so anyway things were looking grim and I was regretting ever speaking up.
But it went well. Paul made cinnamon rolls in the morning, and made sure dishes were managed all day. Rob and William went out on their own to Target and got me some candy (including those Ferrero Rocher gold-wrapped hazelnut things I like) and a card. Elizabeth made me a little succulents planter with three different baby succulents in it. Edward and Henry both independently decided to participate in the school’s kid-priced Mother’s Day fundraiser, which is a plant sale, so they each brought me a little plant. Everyone posed for the annual Mother’s Day photo with minimal complaining. (Henry tried to start a conversation mid-session about how fake it is that everyone always has to be smiling in photos, and I asked if we could please postpone that very interesting topic until AFTER WE TOOK THE PHOTO.) Paul and I went out for lunch at a casual bar-and-appetizers-and-tacos place we suspected would not be a popular Mother’s Day spot (and indeed it wasn’t), not for Mother’s Day per se but just in the spirit of having a day of treats, and I ordered a giant, potent margarita (like, I could tell the difference when I was walking, afterward), and also french fries. And then we came home and I re-watched part of Sense & Sensibility (the Emma Thompson / Alan Rickman one).
So! It was a fine day. Feel free to vent here if yours was NOT a fine day for whatever reason. Or you can say why it WAS fine.
I haven’t even read this yet but THANK YOU for the update!!!
Okay, now I’m going to read. Based on your post last year, I changed my whole approach to MD.
God bless you Swistle.
Ahhh, that was a satisfying read. And it sounds like a really pleasant day, too.
In the spirit of designing my own damn MD, I told my husband four days in advance about a restaurant I wanted to try. He sort of dragged his feet at first, but then we compromised: no church stuff, just a trek across town, a midmorning meal at a fun and busy restaurant (for some reason I wanted to feel like I was eating in a city), and then an afternoon of reading and baseball and watching the 5 yo swing in the backyard and no dishes.
It was fun and it felt special and I’m glad I told him what I wanted. I hope that future MDs will take even less emotional work from me.
Thanks again for the whole post.
I cannot believe it’s been a full year since the Mother’s Day of Our Discontent. I’m glad this year was better!
I am glad the day ended up going well! The anticipation of such is always fraught, and usually by the time the day comes, makes me wish there wasn’t a “day” at all.
Mine was fine. I pre-emptively bought my own gift (a painting by a new favorite artist – Amanda Evanston), I did not have to spend time with my MIL (husband took her to lunch solo), and the kids and I went to lunch at my favorite Chinese restaurant (we spent way too much $$ on way too much food, but it was delicious and was an enjoyable meal.) I parked it on the couch for most of the afternoon, and then we went to my husband’s favorite place for tacos for dinner. (I don’t really like it, but I was tired of making decisions, and I really didn’t want to hear any complaining about where we were going to eat.)
Not the best, but not the worst, and I’m pretty okay with it.
Love Amanda’s art! I have also received her art work for a previous Mother’s Day (in the same fashion).
I looked up Amanda Evanston, and her work looks very similar to Valerie Butters’! (Or maybe vice versa since I’m not sure who would have been painting first – I’ve owned Valerie’s work since the very early 2000s.)
Oh thank heavens. Before I went to bed I wondered how long I would have to wait to find out how your day was! I’m so glad it was nice!
Mine was also fine. My husband threatened to buy me a plant (I HATE plants) but didn’t (but still might). He made a lovely breakfast and cleaned up, and also changed some diapers. The older child tried to *insist* I eat breakfast in bed, but I assured her I would rather eat with the family (disaster averted). I didn’t get a nap, but I slept about 9 hours the night before, so that was OK.
My Mother’s Day was, in fact, fine. The kids did their chores with a minimum of foot-dragging. We went to a place to eat lunch that was pretty low-key and inexpensive and everyone was satisfied with what they ate. We went to Comic Con and my husband paid for admission and for a shirt for everyone. I bought a cute Ravenclaw pin to put on my backpack and got the kids pins from their houses. We went home and had take-out chicken meals and watched some Netflix before it was bedtime. All very easy and low-pressure.
I think what I liked best was that we got the Mother’s Day celebrating with my mother and stepmother both out of the way on Saturday (lunch with one, dinner with the other), so we could just spend the actual Mother’s Day day together doing what we wanted. That almost never happens.
My family did a great job for Mother’s Day (breakfast made, cards, plants planted, etc.) but MY MOTHER ruined it by accusing me of lying about all the MOTHERING I had to do all weekend in an attempt not to see her and to “just run off to the beach.”. My daughter had prom on Saturday (so spent ALL DAY getting ready) and has exams all week this week (so, you know, studying is required)… and my son had recovery on Saturday and Sunday to make up the time he was out of school with mono (or else he will FAIL 9th grade with Straight A’s). This is all real, and I drove them to and from all of it, and it took time, and while I WISH i had run away to the beach for a fun weekend with my husband, I was, you know, PARENTING. GOD FORBID. I am so over it. SOOOO OVER IT.
I’m not sure whether I’m angrier with your mother or with a school system that would fail a student for legitimate medical absence despite passing grades… The school system, I’m angrier at the school system. It’s a close call, though.
At least where I’m at, there’s a state law for minimum “seat time” to get credit for a class in high school, so it’s the moronic legislators thinking they know anything about education rather than the school system that is to blame!
My day was well executed, EXCEPT for the young lady of the household who decided to argue with me, tears and all, about my not folding her laundry CORRECTLY.
Ahem.
It got turned around but it was shaky for a minute.
I was a single mom for a long time, so Mother’s Day was never a day where special things happened. This year though, my husband and I also have our new 10 week old baby, along with my 7 year old. He had asked if I wanted anything to his credit, and I said nah, not important to me. We took his mom out for brunch, I wrangled the baby and amused the kiddo and ate standing up so they could talk. Which was fine!
And then we did nothing special, which was also fine! It’s what I told him to do! Nothing! I thought I wouldn’t care!
Turns out…I uhh…do a little. I did dishes and changed diapers and made dinner, and it felt a little sour by the end of the day. Whoops.
Marion,
I have totally had that Mother’s Day…many, many times. I’m sorry it happened that way. Aspirational nonchalance, it gets me more often that I’d like to admit. HUG.
I feel you Marion❤️
Haaaa HENRY!
I’m glad you had a good day. Ed took the small kids out yesterday and I laid in bed and played Candy Crush for…longer than i should admit. There were gifts and bakery donuts for breakfast (I’ve been doing keto and this was a wonderful treat), and steak for dinner. Low key and just what I wanted.
Mine was nice (and I don’t particularly care about Mother’s Day, but I would like it not to be *worse* than any other day, and also I would like my children not to be truly appalling and then ask me if I’m having a nice Mother’s Day, which is a thing that has happened).
I got up and discovered that the oldest kid had left flowers for me in a vase/pilsner glass/don’t judge on the dining room table and wrangled his brothers into signing a card on which he’d written a nice note: “You’re really good at this” [ie mothering].
My husband got up early enough to go to the bakery before what I wanted was sold out.
My youngest snuggled with me and we watched TV.
I picked what takeout we got for lunch.
We went to see Endgame again, and because of movie snacks, people weren’t all hungry for dinner at the same time, so they handled it themselves.
Meanwhile, one of my brothers went to see our mom for the weekend — my dad died recently and this brother was the last to visit. And we all remembered to call.
That sounds like a wonderful day!
I thought of you yesterday when my husband said, “Wait, am I supposed to do something for Mother’s Day? You’re not MY mom.” We have been married 28 years and our oldest is 20, this is not our first rodeo.
I feel about Mother’s Day the way I do about Valentine’s: there are far too many expectations, and too many ways to fail. I also feel like it’s so performative, the way people post on social media about how wonderful their moms are or what amazing things their families did for them. It makes me feel sorry for women whose moms have passed away or who don’t have good relationships with their moms, or who wanted to be mothers but never could, etc. So I pretty much ignore the holiday and don’t ask anything of my family unless it suits me, i.e. “we’re getting takeout tonight because it’s Mother’s Day.”
And make no mistake: on Father’s Day 2019 I SHALL utter the words, “Oh, was I supposed to do something for Father’s Day? You’re not MY dad.” *eye roll*
Mother’s Day has always been a little tricky with two moms, especially when the kids were smaller. There was no way for it to be a day off for both of us. Now that they don’t require as much hands-on parenting it’s easier but we still haven’t figured out a good way to handle dinner. Either my wife cooks (Sunday is the only day of the week she cooks, I’m responsible for the rest of the week) which doesn’t seem quite right. Or we go out and pay for it ourselves. We ended up getting takeout, which my wife paid for and went to go pick up and then I did the dishes, none of which seemed quite right, so I guess we still need to work out that kink– though we’ve been moms for eighteen years and we only have five years left in the kids-at-home phase. On the plus side, the kids both got us nice presents (with prodding from the other mom), one of them even got a card, and one of them was keen to spend time with us by coming on our normal Sunday activities (grocery shopping, swimming laps, going to the library) and on an outing to get tea (though only one of the moms– me– likes tea). So, mostly good.
Mother’s Day is on a different day in the UK – you could take one each, maybe?
Lovely idea, Anna!
Yes! That’s a great idea. My husband’s European family always sends me lovely wishes on the international day of the woman. It’s truly celebrated, and that way you each get one. (Thankfully, my husband now reminds me so I can send the women in his family lovely wishes instead of forgetting and then being embarrassed when I open my email.)
I’m so glad it was an improvement for you!
I too thought about Swistle yesterday and hoped things were better than last year.
I too told my husband not to do anything crazy (ie, expensive) and then was a little disappointed when he took my suggestion quite literally and did nothing.
When he got up from his two hour nap, my husband said “I guess let’s go get some dinner so mom doesn’t have to cook.” The kids didn’t want to eat out so they whined and complained about having to leave the house. The restaurant (low key, kid-friendly, inexpensive) was unexpectedly closed so we drove around aimlessly for 20 minutes listening to the kids tell us how they were going to starve to death if they didn’t eat soon. I asked my husband to just pick a restaurant, he refused. The kids whined some more. I suggested we just go home because THIS IS THE OPPOSITE OF ENJOYABLE FOR ME.
We ate at Wendy’s.
My children are young, 6, 8 and 9 so they don’t have money or means to get a gift. They gave me their school-made art projects and did wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. So, that’s something.
I have never understood going out to eat on Mother’s Day. Mainly because everybody else has the same frakking idea, so even Bob Evans is busy and rushed and they never bring out your butter for your pancakes (sorry, I’m flashing back to three years ago when we tried to eat out on Mother’s Day–NEVER AGAIN–and honestly, would it kill the kids and husband to try to rustle something up in the kitchen? It’s good for them! Or they could go get supermarket sushi, I’m not picky! Just don’t make me sit in a busy restaurant on what’s supposed to be a “relaxing” day for me!
We went out on Saturday night, to a place I knew wouldn’t be very busy but which is good and the kids like. It’s expensive, but that’s OK. We had pasta and dessert and a nice time. There was NO WAY I wanted to attempt it on Sunday. We also went at 5pm, and as we were leaving, a BUS FULL of Red-Hat ladies arrived so I was very glad we went early!
See if you can find the NPR article about the feminist tradition of brunch for mother’s day! It’s interesting!
thanks for the suggestion!
https://www.npr.org/sections/thesalt/2015/05/09/398832815/taking-mom-out-for-brunch-it-s-kind-of-a-feminist-tradition
My MD was… eh. A couple of weeks ago, my husband randomly handed me a “best mom ever” mug and I was like, uhh… thanks but save it for MD maybe? He said, oh, he didn’t know it was coming! And anyway here is the mug, might as well take it now. (Commence eye-rolls) (Also we have a calendar hanging in the kitchen. It seems like it’s possible to look at it.)
Fast-forward to yesterday and he’s asking me what I want for MD because he didn’t have time to prepare (actual words that left his actual mouth). I had already spent the day WORKING and TODDLER WRANGLING when I wanted to do NOTHING and SLEEP IN (never, ever, not even once, do I get to sleep in). I thought (but didn’t know how to say without sounding whiny) that I just wanted to feel appreciated, and instead reminded him, with an incredulous face, that I reminded him a couple of weeks ago.
So we ended up getting take-out from Wendy’s because it’s the new MD hotspot apparently. Also, not at all what I wanted but at least I didn’t have to cook (yay?).
Reminded him that I reminded him! Ugh. I’m a little sleep-deprived. What I said was, “but I told you MD was coming a couple of weeks ago‽”
Lol omg Wendy’s! I’m laugh-crying with you! Husbands are dumb.
I am just the same about Mother’s day–sheepish and not really wanting any gifts. To be honest, my kids didn’t ask to be born, so I always feel having a day about me being a mom and making them do stuff is a little weird, but it IS a good chance to learn how to be generous and thoughtful, so I roll with it. At first we thought of going for a hike and a picnic–exercise and outside time are always good–but rain was forecast. So we decided to hunker down.
Sunday i didn’t have to do any dishes at all. I got a sweet little homemade card with a studious owl on it, my husband made me breakfast, we went to church, and came home and payed Uno and Risk and had a fine time. For lunch I had a bag of Trader Joe’s Bamba, my favorite snack in the world. I just found a copy of my favorite old cookbook online (free!) so I asked if Mother’s day dinner could be a dish from that book, and my husband gallantly did so, with the help of our 12 year old who loves to help in the kitchen. They also baked two cakes–one Trader Joe’s Mochi for me (GF) and a regular cake for everyone else who would not appreciate a mochi cake. The kids frosted the cakes. My youngest agreed to try the unfamiliar dinner–as my Mother’s Day present–and had two bites of Cheeseburger Pie, which was just as delicious as I remembered it. We played our family role-playing game, I found a new Anne Tyler book to read (Vinegar Girl) and curled up with that for a long portion of the day.
My kids all got along and it was a very relaxing day.
This sounds excellent. Bravo, Karen’s family.
So glad it was better than last year!
My husband had a series of years where he went over-the-top in a strange way (three years in a row of making plans for me, without checking, to spend the day away from my kids with friends that I wouldn’t, uh, have chosen to spend time with? And kept doing it despite my saying I didn’t like it? Apparently he thought he should just try again with different people? It was very strange.) and seemed to finally get that I wanted a low key day at home with my family. He went grocery shopping for me and took our youngest with him while my daughter and I got Chinese delivery for lunch.
I cooked a big dinner for us + my parents. My mom and I exchanged gifts. It was lovely.
I drove all of our cranky asses through Wendy’s yesterday so I could eat a frosty. I wanted ice cream and no one was doing anything about it so I I got myself a damn $0.50 frosty.
The whole weekend was a bust and I had set expressly low expectations. Dollar store balloon and card. Reminded everyone a week in advance and then Friday. They went to the dollar store at 6pm when they discovered I was sad about the day.
Ugh, that’s almost worse – when they’re like “let’s do the thing she specifically asked for after we have already failed at doing it”. At that point they should have thought of something nicer! Or just done it in the first place. :-( Sorry you had a disappointing day!
Mine was pretty good! I bought myself some new earrings and told my husband that could be my gift. I said the only things I wanted to do were go see a movie (which we did Friday night, he arranged babysitters! Which never happens) and get a mani pedi (did that Saturday morning). Sunday he made brunch, which I only had to help with a little, and he poured me mimosas all day. Sunday afternoon he took our four year old to the park while the one year old napped and I got to watch Wine Country on Netflix and lay on the couch for two hours. So overall a very successful weekend. He’s gotten better over the last couple years, and I’ve gotten better at setting expectations and asking for what I want.
Oh and my daughter got me a card that had a rainbow and unicorn design that makes farting noise when it opens. Perfect.
I need to watch Wine Country!
I was more concerned about your Mother’s Day than my own, Swistle, so I am very glad that it turned out well.
Mine was quite nice. I do not demand much and I set a lot of it up for myself in advance so that everyone is happy. My daughter and I went to get pedicures on Saturday, to avoid the MD rush. On Sunday, I took her to the ballet which has become our tradition. My husband bought me flowers and a gift of some bath stuff that I always like getting. Daughter had bought me some special soap from Lush, which she was very proud of. I bought myself a bunch of L’Occitane stuff too. So bathing is well taken care of for the next year or so.
My husband cooked dinner for all of us on Sunday; we went out to dinner as a family on Saturday and I got a large margarita. They both took special care to wish me happy MD, give me nice cards, and prevent me from having to do anything around the house. I also had a nice chunk of time in the middle of the day to sit under a blanket and read. And then we capped it off watching the Great British Baking Show together, which has become a family thing that we do.
It was really great. Not elaborate, not fussy, but great.
You and I both had Mother’s Day margaritas!!
I keep my expectations low… I dislike being fawned over, and these holidays that are set up for intentional fawning admittedly kind of annoy me. Also our anniversary is always right around mothers day (it’s today) and it all feels like too much at the same time. We went to my sisters for brunch, stayed longer than we expected, and then stopped home and decided to make a trip to Goodwill, where I had been eyeing an in-good-shape $60 piano, which had dropped to $30 that week. The biggest issue had been how to get it home, and we couldn’t worry about it til this weekend because my husband was finishing up his masters and had a ton of schoolwork until then. We arrived at a very crowded Goodwill to find the piano was gone. Such is life, it wasn’t meant to be. Back home, then I went out for a run (I enjoy my alone time even while exercising), then we lounged the rest of the day and I worked on painting/distressing a few other Goodwill/thrift finds from the past month or so. My husband made us shrimp and pasta for dinner, but him cooking is not out of the ordinary.
As far as gifts… my husband brought me flowers on Friday, one bunch of roses and one bunch of mixed lilies – mother’s day and anniversary taken care of!
My kids (who are all teenagers) didn’t buy or make me anything. I’m ok with that. They are good kids. Not perfect by any means, but very good kids. And they like each other. Seeing them spend time together and joke around and genuinely like each other means the world to me. If they couldn’t stand each other, but bought me nice things for mothers day… I would not be cool with that. In 15 months, the oldest will “leave” for college, then a year later, another will “leave” for college. These are the days…
Oh, my middle child did bring me a gift at 11pm – her laundry! Which did need to be done so she’d have uniforms for the school week.
It sounds like your kiddos nailed it. Glad you had a good day!
Our second baby was born 2 months ago, after 5 years of waiting, 2 surgeries, 174 shots, and lots of crying about having an only child, so it was definitely my best Mother’s Day, having my 2 girls to celebrate.
Plus my husband gave me a nice card and my mom gave me money, since I’m on unpaid leave, which further proves the point that 1) moms are the best and 2) my husband really can’t be relied on for gifts.
I had a pretty low key Mother’s Day. I have a 4-year-old and an 8-month-old, so it’s not like they’re thinking of Mother’s Day things on their own. My husband took the kids out to breakfast with his mom so I could sleep in (which is just a normal Sunday for us, which I recognize is nice for me) and they did the grocery shopping and brought me donuts and coffee. We watched SNL and my husband held the baby while I spun some yarn (a hobby I haven’t had much time for in the past 8 months). They gave me a card they purchased that morning. It was a “for my wife” card that my daughter insisted on signing, which was kind of cute and funny.
Then we picked up Chinese food and took it over to my mom’s house for dinner because my mom and I didn’t want to cook on Mother’s Day. Hung out there a while and then came home. I nursed the baby while my husband put the 4yo to bed and did dishes. Then I handed off the baby and went to a friend’s house to watch Game of Thrones.
So in summary, “Special Mother’s Day Things”:
-store bought card
-time to do a hobby
-no diapers all day (husband changed them all)
-Game of Thrones sans baby
Normal Sunday Nice Things:
-sleep in
-donuts
Daycare gave me a little framed photo of the baby, and had the 4yo make a sugar scrub for me. On Friday when she presented it to me, she held it behind her back and said “I have a surprise for you….Happy Thanksgiving!!” Then yesterday my husband whispered to her “Remember you have something you want to say to Mommy? Go tell her Happy Mother’s Day!” She came in and said “It’s Thanksgiving! Have a happy day!” This was my favorite part of the day.
“It’s Thanksgiving”–that’s so sweet! Write that down somewhere so you’ll remember it when she’s 16 and cranky. :)
This year, I left money with the after-school babysitter and asked her to take the kids to Target to shop for both Mother’s Day and my husband’s birthday (which was Saturday). They are 8 and 10 years old and they did a great job. They didn’t spend too much because I set the budget, and we both got things we liked (I got cute socks, bath bombs and a couple face masks). It was nice to have something to open that they picked out themselves. I was completely satisfied. My husband made scones and also did a planting project for me in the front yard.
@MelissaC my husband’s bday is also Saturday 5/11! So I did a bunch of stuff to celebrate him and then he turned around and did the same (despite pulling out the “you’re not my mother” a month ago…and we have been married for 18 years this summer so I’m not sure why he’s STILL trying that crap).
But I think it might have been a top-3 MD for me – got up early & did karate stuff with for my oldest with my husband & mother (who is visiting), which involved a trip to Starbucks and some sitting in lawn chairs. Pedicure with my mom (spur-of-the-moment decision, which worked out). Brunch with my husband +kids, my parents, and IL’s at a place 2 minutes from our house that served a FANTASTIC spread (and Husband made all the reservations/arrangements) – will do again 100%. Nap. Game of Thrones. Kids did not fight ALL DAY, that’s pretty much a MD Miracle right there.
Oh – and I got presents! A necklace which has been on my wishlist forever and a book. PERFECT.
Wait, one more thing. Although I did order flowers for my mom & my MIL (given to them before the brunch), my husband bought the cards to give them WITHOUT ME ASKING. TWO WEEKS AGO. And bought me a card. So that was also pretty much a MD Miracle around here.
Love this strategy- even though you gave them the money they had to do the thinking about what you’d like, and it was a surprise!
Breakfast with mom, niece, niece’s kids and assorted menfolk. Lunchtime shopping the outlet mall with mom and my kids. Ditched all but my kids to go see Detective Pikachu and I have to say, that was the absolute best part of my day, snuggled between my 13 year old son and 9 year old daughter who so rarely ALL want to do the SAME THING at the SAME TIME with me.
My 17 year-old son pre-bought the Detective Pikachu tix for us to go see it together on MD a few weeks ago.
So enjoyable, and even moreso because he thought of it ahead of time and set up the whole thing on his own.
Also, he bought me popcorn and soda.
Also also my husband made dinner.
But all the while I was hoping that Swistle’s day was going well.
This is the second year in a row that my husband has been out of town and off the grid for Mother’s Day. Last year I took the kids to the grocery and let them “secretly” (I closed my eyes at checkout) buy muffins to surprise me with breakfast, but this year I did not. I did buy cards for my mom and MIL (on husband’s behalf.). The kids wanted to bring me breakfast but they aren’t yet trusted with knives or kitchen equipment that is powered by electricity or gas, so I convinced them to let me cook. Oldest brought her school project in very earlyin the morning and then both kids went and read / entertained themselves. So while I didn’t sleep in I did have a relaxing morning. Then we had a nice and relaxing day and ended by watching Elle Enchanted which the kids adored, so that’s a win.
I will say that I ended up being a little disappointed that my husband didn’t do anything at all, nor did he do anything with the kids prior to leaving town. (Like even take them to buy me a card.) I understand why he didn’t (time/stuff), but seeing as how the only reason he can do what he does is that I am here and picking up ALL the slack for 10 days, I would prefer he looked ahead and did Something To Show He Noticed. He is aware however, that he dropped the ball, and I have put him on notice I do expect some effort and thought for our anniversary that is coming up. At least as much thought as I put into his laundry.
I’m glad your day was better this year.
Thinking of you.
Pretty good mother’s day for me.
– school projects from the 7- and 9-y.o.s
– iPad from DH (seems over-the-top but this is really an act of service more than a gift. I kinda “need” one for my work and I don’t have a smart phone and my previous one was kaput. And I hate shopping, so he took care of it for me. We pool all of our money anyway.)
– nothing from the 12-y.o. Will have to have DH speak to him.
– brunch with DH’s mother and grandmother
– board games in the afternoon
I tell my partner exactly what to do and that feels fair to me because I feel different about it from year to year, depending on things like how challenging of a stage we are in or how busy things are at work. So (along with birthdays/valentines/anniversaries) I think about it a couple weeks before and give very specific instructions. This year it was, ‘take him to target, get a small gift (think candle/book/puzzle), take me on an outing, cook dinner”. Then he does what I need. Child picked out a book themed puzzle and a book of feminist quotes which was exactly right, we went to the botanical gardens, I had a nap, partner cooked and we played board games. It was perfect and exactly right.
The eleven year old wrote a note on a scrap of paper instead of making a card and my partner tried to be pissy with me about that. “I can’t believe he half assed that” and I was all, ‘that’s on you buddy, I was at work for 10 hours yesterday, if you wanted him to make a nice card you should have made it happen, I am happy and loved and don’t crap on my cupcakes, PARENT HIM” I think partner was raw because of some unresolved grief about his own mom, so this was a very minor blip on a very loaded holiday.
I’m so glad they showed up nicely for you!
It was my first Mother’s Day! My wife and I planned to make a Dutch baby for breakfast (baking and consuming a “baby” for Mother’s Day — maybe don’t look into the symbolism of that too much). Then after our classy breakfast we were still hungry, so we had a low-brow second breakfast of freezer breakfast sausage links and tater tots. Our baby is too young to participate in Mother’s Day, but she did her part by seeming extra cute all day. I was pretty satisfied with the whole thing.
@Squirrel Bait that sounds like a great day!
This is not a very big vent because I get why the day was how it was, but–
My husband was put on a medication about two months ago that had a side effect of increased irritability, and while I could tell he was trying very hard to manage it, he was also seriously having the side effect. It was bad enough that he was using PTO days to not go into the office 0.5-1.5 day/week because he was getting so annoyed by his job and the people at work. (And none of it was stuff that should have been colossally annoying.) He decided to take last Friday off and spend the weekend on stopping the medication. I spent the weekend taking the toddler to playgrounds so that he could adjust to being off the medication without us being in his hair. It wasn’t a bad Mother’s Day–I had fun with my daughter, and it was a fine day. But it wasn’t a Mother’s Day. It was a weekend day that was lightly disappointing because it wasn’t at all Mother’s Day-ish. I get why, but I wish it had been different. I’m trying to think of his being off the medication as the weekend’s gift.
(Probably the worst thing in all this, aside from worrying about the longer-term effects on my husband’s job, is that I’m really bothered that his doctor prescribed the medication to begin with. He has none of the conditions the drug is supposed to treat and there’s a warning about using it with people who have a condition he does have.)
Thinking of you
I hate to even comment because generally speaking my daughters are great (they are 17 and 19) – the oldest just got back from college this weekend. I had to wake them up at 11am to get ready for a family meal at a local restaurant – with my mom, sisters, etc. Not a peep from them, not nary a one “Happy Mother’s day” flung my way. After lunch (which was NOT FUN AT ALL) we were back home and my oldest announced what a stupid holiday Mother’s Day was and how she didn’t think we should celebrate it at all. I may have lit into by that point, whose to say.
Things went downhill from there and I spent the day in my room alone – which actually is a nice change of pace but not in the way I would have wanted it.
Eventually my girls sensed how hurt I was and made an effort to clean the house, put away laundry, unload dishwasher, etc. By that time I was annoyed they were trying because I was enjoying being angry.
I know I overreacted but I didn’t need anything expensive – but some acknowledgement from them that I matter – which I know I do – but that they made no effort at all really hurt my feelings. I also knew I’d go to work today and hear about how Karen’s kids brought her breakfast in bed and Sheila’s kids pooled their money and got her a thoughtful gift. And what would I say? After I pitched an ugly fit my kids did chores that they should be doing on the regular (but don’t) anyway.
They don’t have a dad around to nudge them to do things – but they are smart, usually thoughtful human beings that I didn’t expect needed a lesson in how to be a nice person on Mother’s day. Apparently they do.
Oh Kim, I am so sorry about your day. Teenagers!! (insert eye roll). They can be so lovely and so… difficult all at the same time.
I had an OK mother’s day. Both of my kids (ages 3 and 5.5) decided to sleep until 8am, which is lovely and unusual. However, Mother’s Day is also the only day my husband gets up with the kids without my specifically requesting it, so I kind of wish they had woken up earlier. I still got to stay in bed, but the 5 year old decided she wanted to join me. Which was ok because we don’t get that much snuggling time these days. Also, we got take out and I didn’t cook and my husband took both kids with him into the basement so I got a couple of hours to myself. We’re still in the stage where time to myself is really what I want more than anything.
My mother’s day was not great. Maybe it’s that my oldest is 14 and in the midst of being completely self centered. (Please let this be a stage.)
I do not have big expectations for Mother’s Day. All I want – the only thing I want – is for my kids to show me in SOME way that they appreciate me. Pretty much exactly like Swistle said – just something small. A homemade card would be delightful. Realizing that is not in my 14-yo’s purview at the moment, even a hug and “I love you” would suffice. What I got was a drawing she made a while back for another purpose and wrapped up in a towel. She did tell me Happy Mother’s Day, after my son gave her a hard time for not saying it. Thank god for my son, who was sweet and attentive. I think he sensed that I was disappointed in my daughter’s zero effort.
“All I want – the only thing I want – is for my kids to show me in SOME way that they appreciate me.”
Yes, that. And honestly, I also want my husband to show me he appreciates me, and that he notices.
Last year he wrote a card about all the things I do for my daughter, like making sure she has the best shoes for her feet (…after me returning about 7 pairs of shoes that weren’t flexible enough for our new walker). It was perfect. I felt seen. This year he skipped saying Happy Mother’s Day because he didn’t want to draw attention to the fact that his plan to run to Target Saturday afternoon fell through. Um, darlin’, 11th Hour Consumerism is not going to save you here. So he got a list of the holidays he’s responsible for, and on the back a full page of $0 ways to show me he cares. I’m done quietly wishing he had his shit together on holidays, and nothing I deeply want is sold at Target.
My husband got me tickets to see The Bosstones and Rancid on Saturday night, so that was all I was expecting.
My darling children forgot it was Mother’s Day until 2:30 or so in the afternoon, when my husband guilted them into saying Happy Mother’s Day.
We grilled up some steaks, had some corn on the cob (I am the only person in the house who enjoys this) and salad. It was the dinner I requested and it was great! But then, my husband gave me a big box, and inside was a new Columbia rain jacket and day pack for our Hawaii trip in August.
Mine was good! Quentin asked me in advance what I wanted for Mother’s Day and I told him I wanted to not deal with our children in the morning, and I’d like some breakfast potatoes for breakfast. He asked me if I would be tortured by going to HIS mom’s house and I said that didn’t sound relaxing or fun for me but he was welcome to take the kids over if he wanted to, since she is his mother and it is Mother’s Day.
I took all three of the kids for a swim at my sister’s house, where I also had some cake, and then I hung out with MY mom in the afternoon, where my children napped, I drank coffee, and played cards. I got my mom a face lotion because I thought she would like it (she did).
Quentin made this…..highly decorative platter of like salmon and tri tip and a pineapple salsa composed inside of a half of a pineapple with sprigs of various things and roasted vegetables around the edges and brought it over to my parents’ house in the early evening, and we invited my aunt over, and it was a very tasty….platter of foods? (Not really a dinner, but we didn’t need to eat dinner after, so maybe?)
I went to bed reasonably early and with none of my children in bed with me.
My Mother’s Day is almost always overshadowed by the fact that two of our three kids have mid-May birthdays and because we’re so busy, their “family” party is usually on Mother’s Day after church. And yesterday was no different. My husband stayed home from church and smoked some ribs (leaving me to wrangle all three kids at church by myself, but whatever). And while the ribs were delicious, I cleaned the whole house and prepared all the other food on top of getting the kids’ presents bought and wrapped.
I guess I shouldn’t complain because he’s taking the kids camping with a bunch of friends over Memorial weekend and I said the two full days of quiet and not having to cook for or clean up after anyone else for a full 48 hours would be my Mother’s Day. But it would have been nice to get some kind of acknowledgment from them on the day itself. Three half-hearted hugs and a “Did you like the ribs?” was just plain pitiful. Like 2018 Swistle, I’ve half a mind to treat this year’s Father’s Day like any other day because he freaking deserves it.
sort of in the same vein: my parents have a house in Maine, where we spend a lot of time in the summer. For a while, we would make pizza when my husband came up on Fridays (and this also translates to any time he does anything in my house or the parents). So, sometimes I would make the pizza and sometimes he would. He, who has had to work all week, but has not had children and can do whatever after work (he often goes out with people he hasn’t seen in a while, work people, or to the movies he wants to see and I do not). Anyway. Without fail, he will get PRAISE for making pizza. And I will get thanks, but not praise. Mind you, prior to his assembling said pizza I have: made the dough from scratch (in big batches when necessary and freeze), made the sauce, and turned on the oven. But, “Oh, Husband of our difficult daughter, it’s so NICE of you to MAKE the pizza when you’ve just come up from a week of work.” (now we mostly buy pizza, it’s probably because of my scowlface when praise is heaped unevenly)
Or he marinates and grills the steak and I cut and prep all vegetables and sometimes prepare them plus do something like make from scratch pita to accompany the meal.
Do you like ribs? or did the hubs make ribs because he had to cook and HE likes ribs?
Sort of related: called my mother on the day. She was happy and then all backhanded complimented me: “It’s so nice that you called. I was wondering if you would.” (because, you know, difficult daughter and all)
Oh, jeez. Your parents sound like pills, Alyson.
You should get a lot more credit for putting up with them than you do. If not from them, then from your husband. You’re doing a lot more than I would: there is No Way I would be spending significant time with them if that was their behavior and attitude. I’d be happier being in my own home and not dealing with them. Plus I wouldn’t want my kids seeing much of people who treat others like that. Your parents aren’t exactly modeling good behavior when they ignore/minimize your contributions and hold up your husband as a paragon for building on your work. And when they hint that you shouldn’t have things you enjoy unless The Husband genuinely wants them, too.
All of what Millie said. I’m thinking of you, Alyson.
Great update!
My family surprised me with kringlers from the bakery (my husband took our four kids and was there and back by 7:30 while I slept in!!!) I WOKE TO A SILENT HOUSE and had 20 minutes of thinking and lounging alone before they returned! That was the first morning in 16 months I haven’t started the day by stumbling down the hall to nurse. We had a very pleasant bike ride in the afternoon and no one complained when we biked past the playground and did not stop to play. Two sweet cards from the school age kids whose teachers prepped the projects. Thanks, teachers!
I am so pleased for this update.
I head into Mother’s Day with low expectations. My mom hates the day, and we were brought up to make as little fuss over her as possible. My mother in law likes a Big Family Meal, and gets cards for all of us. Eh. I’m honestly ambivalent. If you think it’s important, then I will smile and accept, (a la my daughter) but if all you want is a nice long snuggle on the couch (a la my son) then that is OK too.
So, we had our regular Sunday breakfast; followed by church. Husband got me some camping gear that I was too cheap to buy for myself. $15 for socks is INSANE. (smile and accept) Then we drove to his parents’ house and had a a nice lunch and delicious desserts.
I didn’t go out of my way to call my mom, knowing that she was enduring fuss and frolic at my brother’s house for brunch. I called her today.
This is SO me: “I like sweets, I like cheap flowers, I like things to be clean without me being the one to clean them, I like people to notice what I like, I am not some sort of IMPOSSIBLE CIPHER.”
I was shocked this year to not only receive a thoughtful handmade gift from my 14-year-old son, but a thoughtful gift from my ex-husband. Stunning.
Yay for your nice day and thanks for the update, your post last year really resonated with lots of us!
My day was cozy and sweet, my daughter is just home from college far away and my son surprised me by showing up for dinner from his city three hours away. Both chickies were back in the nest and it was good. Plus morning coffee in bed and a pretty rose plant from husband, a successful day all around!
Mother’s day this year coincided with my daughter’s birthday. The first time I think since she was born (or maybe it has happened before but she was too young for either of us to notice).
She turned 11, she is going to have a little birthday celebration with her friends next weekend, so the day wasn’t particularly festive for her either.
I managed a little lie in the afternoon after a lovely uninterrupted shower.
We had a nice dessert kind of afternoon tea, and later on mother’s day dinner of peking duck with my mum and the rest of the family. Peking duck is our collective favourite and we usually only have this about once a year so it did feel special.
My husband didn’t grow up celebrating birthdays (infact he doesn’t even know when his actual birthday is, as a child he only finds out on the day itself and only because his mother makes birthday red eggs, that is the sum total of his birthday experience). (His mum is a devout Buddhist, and chinese and very traditional and they go by the chinese calendar, which changes in relation to our calendar every year). So I really don’t expect much from him. He doesn’t get anything special on his birthday either, I finally learned this after many many years of trying to make his birthday special, he just doesn’t like it. But he is thoughtful throughout the year, so I really am not complaining.
I’m so glad this year felt better! What a relief. At my house we had a low key weekend of celebrating- diner breakfast (per my request) on Saturday, and later some flowers (assorted carnations chosen my my 4 year old), and I went to Goodwill by myself. Sunday it was cards (three from the 4 yo) and… I guess that was it on Sunday but I have a nursing baby too and can’t really take a break from her. No margaritas (that was last weekend) but hubby made the Jim and Colas, which I usually do.
I was thinking of you all day Swistle, thanks for the update!
I got flowers (which I love), homemade cards from the kids and my favourite of all – husband takes the kids to his mother’s house for half the day and I have the house to myself.
I visited briefly with my mum (neither of us care that much about the ‘specialness’ of Mother’s Day) and gave a single mom friend a pep talk.
My mother’s day was quite fine. Our daughter is now 26, and she drove seven hours (each way) to visit for the weekend. That truly is the only gift I want! I mean, I’d be happy with a card, or a phone call, so a visit is pure gold. She also stopped on the way and bought a beautiful hanging planter in my favorite color, and it’s right outside the back door where I can see it multiple times each day. AND a delightful card which, as it turns out, my husband selected, so all were represented (even though, of course, I am not HIS mother).
DH and I have both worked in restaurants, so we know better than to even THINK about eating out. We had a nice breakfast at home (frozen waffles in the toaster) and then pizza for dinner, and watched old “Saturday Night Live” shows from 1977. We ate out Monday instead.
I am again reminded how social media can make people feel very bad about themselves…I see so many postings from kids (OK, daughters) praising their moms with photos and beautiful sentiments. They truly must be superior mothers to merit such glowing tributes, and the children are grateful and clearly well raised. But my daughter is not that way and, to be fair, I don’t do that for MY mom either, so.
I told my husband early this week that I wanted help removing a dead tree for mother’s day. On Saturday morning, with no prompting, he asked which tree I wanted to take out and then we did it. It was not easy, because we were digging out the roots to plant another tree there. (It’s in the center of the front bed. It needs a tree.) He did not bitch or complain at all. He more than met my expectations for the day right there.
But, Sunday he “helped” my 8 year old make me a latte and served it to me in bed. (Her favorite MD tradition.) And then my 8 year old and 4 year old made me breakfast, and I was smart enough to quickly request something specific that I could actually eat. After church, he handled 90% of the childcare while I read, went to the store for the week’s groceries (my job) and cooked a favorite meal. (He generally does the weekend cooking, but I didn’t have to shop, help with prep or decide what we were eating.) My kids were generally pleasant and when the 4 year old got cranky, my husband told her she had to be nice to me on MD.
I was impressed. He’s figured out how to do this.
I made plans for a weekend camping trip at the beach. Actually, I made the reservations a year ago because of my perpetual MD disappointment, and I announced to the three teens that they were taking off work and taking the weekend off studying (during AP exams!) to go with me. It was a nice trip and I got to do all the things I wanted, but the kids did literally nothing, not even really wishing me a happy mother’s day, or saying they loved me. I was a little peeved by that, especially since my 16 YO was very moody and he also happens to hoard money so I know he could afford to buy me a gift. Whatever. I ate seafood and walked on the shore to my heart’s content. I definitely want to have a chat with them about it, but I haven’t found the right words.
The good news is that after I told my mom all about the trip, she and my sisters and I made reservations to go together next year, so I am very excited about that.
My husband took care of our toddler daughter for most of the day, including making dinner for all of us, feeding her, and doing her bath time, and by the end of bedtime he was emotional, grateful, and exhausted, and thanked me for all of my work day in and day out. That was gratifying!
This was the first year my MD wasn’t ruined by my feelings about my (complicated) relationship with my own mother.
Instead it was ruined by my children fighting.
Progress! Huzzah!
Husband wrote a lovely card and gave me one thing I mentioned would make my life easier and one thing he thought of on his own to make my life easier. So that was nice.
My 2018 MD pretty much mirrored swistle’s. This year I thought NOPE. I decided a happy day was worth more than my pride and I got bossy about MD. The week prior I gave the kids some extra chores to earn more pocket money and then gave each of them $5 and sent them all to the shops with the teenager to buy me a present each. I bought wrapping paper and cardboard to make cards and presented it to the only child young enough to be interested in such things and told her it was her job to make my presents look pretty and make the card. The kids were really happy! They were excited to have presents for me and actually went to a lot more effort than I expected with the card and wrap etc. It made me realise that part of the problem last year was them procrastinating and not getting around to it until it was too late. Then they felt bad and acted obnoxious rather than sorry (teenagers!!).
I liked the system so much I’m planning to replicate it on my birthday :)
I love this idea! I will try this next year 😊
We had friends in town who invited us to stay with them at a local indoor resort/waterpark – plans made two months ago and agreed to because it was more important to see our friends than observe any particular MD traditions. Including the tradition that we somehow always end up spending much of MD with my husband’s family. It was honestly one of my best Mother’s Days since having kids. I did not get breakfast in bed for logistical reasons – just some lovely school-made cards and candy (my kids apparently know what I like better than my husband) and a well-meant souvenir t-shirt from my husband to commemorate the weekend. And then we went about the rest of our day as normal and kind of forgot about Mother’s Day (other than me calling my own mom). And I think that made all the difference. Because when we turn it into a big “holiday” where we get together with (his) family and “celebrate,” the expectation is that I will be celebrated and not have to do a bunch of things, but the reality is that of course I still do, AND I have to socialize with my in-laws besides (I don’t even dislike them, but I’d be lying if I said I prefer hanging out with them to my own company). This time, there was no question of having an “all about me” day when we needed to chase around after littles trying to make sure they didn’t drown, so I just let go of any expectations that it would be special and enjoyed watching my kids have fun and seeing my friends. And then tonight I ate an entire box of Swedish Fish and promised myself that TOMORROW I will go back to reducing my sugar intake. All in all, pretty good, and much better than having a big deal attempted that inevitably turns disappointing.
My husband’s gift to me was HOMEMADE BAGELS, which he started the day before and got up early on Sunday to bake so they would be fresh (with homemade vegetable cream cheese) for breakfast. I was completely thrilled as I haven’t had good bagels where we live in years. He also made a fantastic dinner and did all the dishes. I mostly read all day and got in a nap. The kids were great: small gifts they thought of themselves, and sweet homemade cards. A lovely day.
I would like the “crappy Mother’s Day” responses, because while I am HAPPY for those of you had good Mother’s Day, I really need COMMISERATION. My mom died in March, so this was my first Mother’s Day without her. And this was also my first Mother’s Day AS a mom, but my (foster) daughter is currently in the psych ward and has been since Wednesday. SO. It has actually been impressively bad. Like, maybe I should write a Modern Love-style essay?
Anyway. I like the idea someone mentioned of buying oneself a gift. I will consider that.
I’m really sorry. That sounds tremendously hard. I hope you have a good support system to help you.
I’m so sorry. My grandmother died in February and I gave my own mother extra care on mother’s day and the day after (my grandmother’s birthday.) This is so hard. Take good care of yourself.
Thinking of you, and sending you hugs.
Oh my goodness. I want to buy you a gift, which probably wouldn’t help much in the face of all the crap that’s flooding your life, but wow.
I have had some crappy Mother’s Days, but none of them that bad.
Thank you, Melissa, Jenny, Liz, and Slim– it’s actually really validating just to get this response. It made me tear up in the hospital (when I was waiting to pick up The Child In Question).
It’s hard, but we’ll figure it out. I’m working on adopting her, so I’m in it for the long haul.
Losing my mom, on the other hand– I’m jus waiting for it to hurt less. Which I’m sure it will, eventually.
Jenny, I’m really sorry about the loss of your grandmother. Losing our people is so… disorienting, as well as heartbreaking.
I’m SO happy that your day was much improved over last year. I’ve had a different approach to MD since my Mom has passed. Even though we didn’t spend it together (she lived in a different state) I’m trying to appreciate the day as it is and soak up any extra love I can get. :)