One problem with a blog is that it makes it so historically, documentedly, provably clear to others if someone is a person who gets all in a tizz over relatively insignificant things, and then later barely remembers it. The upside is that this does partly help the person in question to think more sensibly about whatever the current tizz is, if only to avoid embarrassment later on.
The current situation: William has three college acceptances. He is able to attend two of the Accepted Student Days, but not the third. The one he can’t go to is, unfortunately, one of the two frontrunners. We have been to the Accepted Student Day for the other frontrunner, and I found it extremely helpful, and it changed my opinion about the schools and how I’d rank them, and William said he was glad we’d gone. I keep getting stuck trying to mentally solve the puzzle of “How can he attend all three?,” when the solution to the puzzle is that he cannot.
The Tizz: THIS AFFECTS HIS ENTIRE FUTURE LIFE. THREE FATES AWAIT HIM, AND TWO WILL GET AN UNFAIR ADVANTAGE. OR POSSIBLY DISADVANTAGE, I DON’T EVEN KNOW!!
The Sensible: Rob didn’t go to ANY Accepted Student Days. He didn’t even visit all the schools in the first place.
The Tizz: AND MAYBE AS A RESULT HE CHOSE THE WRONG SCHOOL!
The Sensible: You just said you don’t know if it’s even BETTER or WORSE to attend an Accepted Student Day.
The Tizz: So it should at least be fairrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!
The Sensible: Is it possible you are concentrating all the parental stress of this decision and of Your Baby Going To College into an inflated view of the importance of this one event which is, let’s look it in the face, a sales pitch?
The Tizz: *incoherent wailing*
The Sensible: Do you even really care which of the two frontrunners he attends?
The Tizz: BUT HE CAN’T GO TO BOTH ACCEPTED STUDENT DAYS AND THREE PATHS OF FATE DIVERGING AND WHAT IF IT MAKES A DIFFERENCE AND HE CHOOSES THE WRONG SCHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL
The Sensible: You like all three schools and so does he, and there is literally no way to see the future and know which is the best decision, so what does this even matter?
The Tizz: *tries again to make it possible to be simultaneously in two places at once*
Just a thought: Any of the schools will gladly set up a private visit if he’s been accepted. Skip the conflicting date (or go to the front-runner) and be pampered one-on-one. I say this with the hindsight of 30 years in higher education and four college searches. Also, chocolate helps as he’s deciding. For you, obviously, not him.
This is truly the way to go. It will be a better use of everyone’s time anyway as it’s not a cattle call.
I would call and see if they can accommodate you in another day! I was in the same situation recently and the school was happy to give us a tour and let us speak to students/profs/admissions people. It really helped the process and it was actually nicer to have the inadviual attention.
What MomQueenBee said
So. Completely. Understandable.
(I am a “giant tizz initially followed by acceptance and complete obliteration of memory of tizz” kind of person. I think the tizz is part of what HELPS. You have to go through the tizz to get to the Feeling Okay part.)
It’s a pivotal decision to be sure, but I notice that even the Sensible side of your psyche is framing it as there is one Right one, even if there’s no way to know which it is. But I think it’s highly likely that there are least two if not three potential Right choices here!
I don’t have any helpful advice. Just commenting to say this is so relatable. This is EXACTLY the kind of thing that sends me into an anxiety spiral that I simultaneously realize is unnecessary and overblown but also cannot get a handle on until I’ve lost sleep over it. H cannot understand why I’m freaking out and his calmness, rather than helping me calm down, makes me feel hostile towards him too. Ugh. Stupid brain :-(
Is William upset that he can’t go to all three?
(I am a big fan of accepted student days, and my kid went to two of three)
He is a little hard to read, but I would say he is kind of like “Oh, well, it would be nice to go to all three and it’s too bad we can’t,” but not, like, hand-wringing like his mother.
We are not in exactly the same situation, because we technically COULD go to Accepted Students Days for Noah’s top three schools. It wouldn’t involve being in two places at once. But it would involve being out of town three weekends in a row, two long road trips and flying to the last one. And missing a day of school each time. That just didn’t seem doable. So we’re doing the two road trips and skipping the one we’d need to fly to, which he’s visited recently anyway, because he didn’t get a chance to visit there until after he’d applied, whereas he visited the other two last summer. But since he volunteered to skip one I’ve been driving myself crazy trying to figure out if it’s his third choice. He says it’s a three-way tie but it’s possible he doesn’t want to tip his hand until he’s had more time to think. Or he could really have no opinion at all. “Hard to read” definitely applies here too.
Another idea for a private visit is to contact (or get WILLIAM to contact) the department he is interested in, to see if he could attend a class/shadow a student/meet with a professor etc etc. Even better if you go soothe your nerves in the campus coffee shop while he does this ; )
This is current events over here. We had an opportunity to do an admitted student day at a school that was not the place I envisioned ed going to. (Not my decision but I hoped to be excited). I was bummed that another school top on his list did not offer a similar opportunity. I hated to give one school an advantage. I felt we would be comparing apples to oranges. Long story, but initially getting to the event was near impossible and then a few things happened. Stars aligned and we went. As anticipated it pulled ahead of other schools. The experience sold me on the school too. I keep telling myself he will end up where he belongs. I hope your visits help things become more clear. I do like the idea of asking the other school for a special tour. Does he have a friend going to the other admitted day who can share some of what he gathers? Tough though because so much of it is about personal experience. Wish I could be of more help.
This is a much better idea than contacting an entity that serves the entire school. My youngest worked at ESS (Engineering Student Services) when she was in school. She graduated last May – so this is not old info. ESS took care of all sorts of engineering student problems – including things like this. From time to time, she had prospective students shadowing her and gave private tours. She also brought these students to classes that they were going to sit in on and picked them up when the class was done. ESS had every type of student on staff (and by type I mean things like dorm residents, apartment residents, international students, students who took semesters off to intern, etc). A prospective student could talk to any of those. Prospective students also got a more realistic view than that which was presented in the big presentations. Less sugar coating and less hard sell.
My natural inclination is to agonize over decisions, but I really hated living that way. And then I realized that there were really very few decisions I couldn’t change my mind about. Am I risking jail or a permanent change in my health? Yep, truly not a decision you can undo. As was the choice to have children. But, everything else really can be changed. Maybe not easily, but generally you *can* change direction. I know several people who changed schools in the middle of college for one reason or another. It wasn’t always easy, and maybe it means taking a semester or even a year to make the change, but if it is really the wrong choice it can be changed.
From a non-parent perspective: I defaulted to my state school that was offering lots of free money. I was a decent but lazy student (omg so, so lazy) in high school and had no great college ambitions. So I went there, and, you know what? It was fine. Looking back on it, I kinda wish I had considered going somewhere else, or even applying to different schools, but I didn’t. And then I went away for law school, after a bit more consideration and an accepted student visit, and that was a good choice. So like, was state school my best possible opportunity? Meh. But did it ruin my life? Not remotely.
I read an interesting take on choosing a university… maybe a couple of years ago? It was clever, but didn’t really hit home because my kids are still pretty young, but you might find it worth reading. I think it was by Malcolm Gladwell in his David and Goliath book, and compared the advantages of being a big fish in a small pond vs. going to a “premier” school.
Not sure if it’s something that would be helpful, since I don’t know what schools William is considering, or for what major, but still kind of interesting? Maybe?
Hee! My family listened to that on a summer road trip a few years back, and I thought it was not written with an understanding of the American educational system. But we talked about it A LOT at meals.
(I do think it’s weird that people keep giving big donations to schools that already have huge endowments.)
Oh yes, his related podcasts are also very interesting! My daughter and I love listening to Malcolm Gladwell and we can’t wait for his new season to start. Even his ads that he does for his sponsors are entertaining.
I never visited any of the colleges I applied to and only went to my undergrad campus when it was time for the new student orientation. And it was pretty similar for grad school. It was the same for every member of my family. I think the only one who maybe went to a “wrong school” for her was my youngest sister, who went to a small private college. Once she was there, she felt that it was so cliquish, it was like being in high school all over again. Despite this, she got a degree there and is doing well in life. We all are.
Most colleges are probably just fine for William. And if a school is colossally wrong for him, he can transfer to a different college. It’s not the easiest path, but there’s a way out if he needs it.
Congrats to William for getting accepted into three schools!
What many people said—set up a visit with the 3rd school! When scheduling issues like this happen I usually freak out, then tell myself “I cannot be the only/first person with this conflict. Surely they have a back up plan!” So if you/William really want tht 3rd visit, I’m sure it can be arranged.
I worked for years for a university in an academic department. Once a year I had to sit outside at a designated table with all our program info during the accepted student preview day. It’s not a great way to get a real feel for the campus since everyone there has not yet accepted, and prospective students and their parents are all trying to size everyone up, and spend all their time asking how your campus will cater to their special child. If the campus you can’t make it to on the day of the event offers regular tours or is open to meeting with you on another day, I’d do that and come in a more relaxed setting. Check with admissions or the campus visitor center. If William knows what he wants to major in go visit or make an appointment with the advisor. That was the position I was in and I had time to go over all the class requirements and talk more about the professors and what interested the student. Also, a tour of the housing options would be good.
What an exciting time!
All best wishes to William! Yet what I want to speak of is the Tizz! I love the terminology, when I was growing up we would say “don’t get yourself in a tizzy!’. Swistle, I know you are private-but are you from the Midwest?
Ah! I will say this: I have spent part of my life in the Midwest! And I have/had relatives there!
I am in a tizzy because Wilder won’t go to any of his accepted student days, he just refuses, and he won’t talk with us about his thought process at all, and all three of his options are good but it is APRIL, time to DECIDE. And meanwhile Elba and Gemma are sharing ALL THEIR THOUGHTS about which colleges will be best and how to choose and what do I think and what if they regret their choice and and and.
I keep telling myself that they all have great options and it will all be okay. One day soon, I hope to believe it.
I LOVE this!! I GUARANTEE I will be the same exact way in 4 years when my “baby” is making her college decision!