This morning Elizabeth, age 13, got mad at me because after I agreed that nine of the ten things she told me about one of her classes sounded annoying, I mildly countered the tenth thing, saying I thought it was a reasonable thing for the teacher to assume. She argued back, near tears, then lashed out that she would just go complain to the teacher about things 1-9, then!
Then 17-year-old William said, as I was walking out the door to bring the other kids to school, that no one told him we were going to a movie tonight, so he hadn’t changed his work schedule, so he couldn’t go. We have been talking about this movie all week. It’s true it’s not like I said to him, “William: remember, we are going to the movie on Wednesday, so be sure to change your work schedule”—but the original plan was to go last Wednesday and I DID say that very thing to him then, so when it was postponed a week I guess I assumed he would realize he would need to do the same thing again? He says we never indicated that the movie was going to be tonight, just sometime in the future. But since it did come up numerous times in other ways throughout the week, I don’t see how he can not have known. My guess is that he didn’t think of the work implications until this morning, then suddenly did think of it and felt dumb, and then panicked and tried to make it our fault so he could huff around the kitchen huffily instead of saying “Oh no, I screwed up the plan!”
All of this was before 7:15 in the morning.
It’s so discouraging to do SO MANY THINGS for kids: listening and supporting what they say, acquiring for them the things they need for projects, keeping a supply of their favorite foods, keeping them supplied with clothing, seeing things they’ll like and impulsively buying them, keeping track of their appointments and writing their notes for school and remembering to pick them up, reminding them about so many things—and then have them be upset over the tiny percentage of things I don’t do. It’s especially annoying when it’s not something I got wrong or made a mistake on (though occasional human error should ALSO be understandable): it would be one thing if I said I would be sure to get X and then I forgot, but in a lot of these cases it’s NO ONE PUT IT ON THE LIST SO I DIDN’T KNOW WE WERE OUT OF IT or YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE HANDLING YOUR OWN WORK SCHEDULE or I’M NOT GOING TO SIDE WITH YOU AGAINST A TOTALLY REASONABLE THING YOUR TEACHER THINKS.
Reading this over, I think this comes across like I’m the meek martyred mother figure, rushing around in everyone’s service, allowing the family to walk all over me, wincing and apologizing—but that is not how it is and not how I mean to convey it. I say those all-caps parts LOUDLY and TO THE FAMILY, not just in my head after they’re all gone to school/work and I’m alone in my housewife apron. I say “NO ONE PUT IT ON THE LIST!” when there’s a complaint about being out of something, and “We have been talking about this for a WEEK!” when someone claims ignorance of the schedule, and “You are supposed to be thinking ahead about your schedule and handling it WITHOUT me reminding you” when there is a conflict. (Okay, I didn’t say “I’m not going to side with you against a totally reasonable thing your teacher thinks!” But I did re-assert, mildly and kindly, that I really did think the teacher was reasonable to assume the students would know what time class ended.) It’s just, I’m feeling irritable-sad-cranky-resentful that their first impulse is to blame me, and that they don’t seem to compare the things they see as my failings to all the things I DO do for them, not that any child ever HAS made that comparison, not in all the history of time.
This morning I think I was getting some misdirected blame for stuff going on in other areas. Elizabeth is probably upset about something about that class, so when I disagreed with something she said, she took it as a chance to redirect the upset at me. William is probably overwhelmed with senior year and work and waiting for college decisions, and so when something slipped through the cracks, he found a chance to blame someone else for it this time. And I know a parent is supposed to be a safe place for that, but don’t you get sick of it sometimes? I get sick of it sometimes.
Yep I do. I remember a little thing we used to do as teens, mocking the annoyed adults in our lives ” I do for you kids, AND I DO FOR YOU KIDS, and it’s NEVER ENOUGH.” I don’t know if it was a line we heard in a comedy routine, or saw in a movie, but it takes me right back. What’s even worse, I have caught myself about to say it. Yeah. The tables have turned.
You can’t put an old head on a young body, and more’s the pity.
Teenagers are the worst human beings. Our 14 old dishes out more rediculous behavior than our 2 year old. The major difference being- my 2 year old never tells me her tantrum is my fault….
You know you’ve had a tough day with your teen when you google “how expensive is boarding school?”….
11-year-old: You’re never on my side!
Me: I love you so much, but it’s hard to side with a grumpy bunny.
Soon she will figure out that I substitute grumpy bunny where I want to say *itch. Also, I think you are playing on hard mode, Swistle, with all your childrens. You have to remember so much more than moi, and that’s 5x chances for blowback.
Teenagers are exhausting and they have so many FEELINGS and I think what gets me the most about mine is that he has a never ending LIST OF DEMANDS. So if I get him X thing he asks me for or Y treat I know he would like, there’s no pause in the demands, it’s just like oh great you got me this thing so the next thing I want is THAT thing. And it’s INFURIATING.
I got back from visiting my nonagenarian parents (mom fine, dad moved to the skilled nursing unit) and opened the refrigerator to see that not only am I the only one who knows how to throw out food that has passed its prime, but I am the only one who notices when we are running out of milk, AND THEN a child asked why I wasn’t making something I’d said I’d make. And my explanation that it requires milk and evidently noticing that we’re almost out is not something a mere mortal can do was not met with, “Do you want me to go get some?” but a claim that it’s hard to notice that when the refrigerator shelf is so full. Full of what? NOT MILK, THAT’S FOR SURE.
And I think underneath it all was a sense that the clock is ticking and they need to turn into responsible adults, plus a sense that I was in many ways more self-reliant/a bigger household contributor than my kids are at the same age (whose fault is that? you may wonder). But I was also a bigger jerk, so maybe overall, there’s progress.
Putting something on a shopping list: no big deal, so they’ll learn when they need to, or putting something on a shopping list: no big deal, so why don’t they do it already?
Haaaa. I spend a portion of every day stifling sentences that begin with the words, “Am I the only one who…”, because I already know that the answer is yes.
At least your comment made me laugh ;o)
Not that that lets my kids off the hook.
I have *no* tolerance for this. Everyone from my husband to the 4 year old knows that if it wasn’t on the grocery list and I didn’t buy it, its not my problem until the next shopping trip. (I generally shop twice a week, so its not a hardship and I have no sympathy. Husband will sometimes make a special trip for it, but that’s between them.) I observed my 8 year old empty a box of granola today and immediately ask our Google assistant to add it to the shopping list. Google wouldn’t allow a child to add to the list directly, but she got points for trying to take care of it without even involving a parent.
Oh lordy, I hope my kids never learn that some mothers shop twice a week.
I know! I go once every two weeks.
I shop at least 2x a week, but I teach at a gym that’s entered through the grocery store, so it’s easy for me to just pick up groceries after. If I shop 1x per week all the produce that doesn’t get eaten quickly starts to go limp/soft and be less appetizing, and the lunch meat starts to go off, so I buy small quantities of these things 2x/week. Also my kids seem to like things for only short periods, so while they may be fine with summer sausage for a day or two, by day 3 they stop eating it, but don’t want an alternative lunch meat that’s been sitting unopened for a few days. And with allergies in their schools and classrooms, they can’t take long-lasting staples like hummus or peanut butter in their lunches, and with my son’s egg allergy we don’t have things like mayo in the house so they don’t eat a lot of things like canned tuna.
I know lots of moms who despair over the fact that their kids eat the same few things for lunch every day, but that sounds like heaven in some ways! My kids get taste fatigue quickly and it’s hard to find things to rotate in their lunches that they’ll eat and can take to school.
Girl. GIRL. I feel this so hard right now. Everything is my fault and my job to fix and I SWEAR teenagers are tougher than toddlers ever were.
RIGHT? You could distract a toddler. FWIW I call teens tall toddlers because there are just a lot of similarities. Unfortunately.
Three remains my least-favorite age, so I have that working for me now, I guess. (My kids are now 18, 15, and 13; I suppose it could turn out that 23 is just the worst age ever or something.)
YES. ALL OF THIS YES.
Yes so sick of it and finding myself increasingly exhausted by it. And my 3 teenagers wonder why their nine year old brother is my favorite!
AMEN SISTER!!! Holy Guacamole, I am so much about all of this whole post.
Everything you said. Every. Thing. So exhausting and frustrating. And my 17 year old is suddenly very…whatever it is that I’m not supposed to buy straws or bottled water (or whatever her mission of the moment is) WHICH I GET but no matter how hard I try or even succeed with there is always something old mom (me) just can’t get right (and insert a few eye roll exchanges with her sister about whatever I’ve done ‘wrong’). Parenting teenagers is more exhausting than I expected.
My oldest is 8, so I’m not here yet as the Mom. BUT, I remember the hormone soup of impossible that I was at 13 and 14 and it already scares me a little bit, because she’s so much like me. We’re in that sweet spot right now where, with a bit of parental guidance, she is mostly responsible for herself and she’s still sweet and fun. I’m trying to really soak it in now so that we can survive the blast of her early teens. The good news is, by 16 I was pretty easy to have around again – confirmed by my mother – so I figure I will just have to hang on for a couple years. The bad news is 4 year old sister is a lot like their Dad, so there’s a decent chance her entire teens and early adulthood is going to be a wild ride!
My coworker calls the years from 7-10 the grace period.
So true, I have a seven year old right now and he is a DELIGHT. He is responsible, snuggly, sweet, independent, fun, funny….like, I ENJOY him on a genuine person to person level.
Years 0-6 he was frequently fussy, whiny, emotional, aggressive, and just kind of hard to tolerate. I really don’t want to go back to that, except taking away the cuteness of a toddler and adding in puberty. 😩
My four year old is pretty easy, too.
Right now I have an 18 month old who is nonverbal and basically cries nonstop, unless he is actively destroying something. So…looking forward to him getting older, except that means my other kids will also get older, and I don’t WANT *them* to get older.
It reminds me of when my mom told me that, when we Four kids ranged ages 4-10, she told my dad he better enjoy this year, because they were never going to like all of us at the same time again. 😂
I have an active destroyer too. I love them, but it’s relentless. Great post, Swistle.
Why, just this morning my 17 year old daughter got INCREDIBLY UPSET that I asked her (while I was in the shower) to go to the basement and get a specific shirt for her 8 year old sister (who is VERY afraid of the basement) because today was a “special” that she needed the shirt for. This “chore” would take all of 30 seconds, but she decided to get in to a pissing match with me for well over two minutes because she was “running late” because she decided to take an extra long shower this morning. NOT MY FAULT. She then got upset with me because her socks got wet when she went out to start her car. *I* have not shoveled our driveway (she is capable) and it is MY fault she chooses to wear Birkenstock sandals (with socks) in the WINTER in MICHIGAN where it SNOWS! I love my children. I love my children. I love my children.
omg, the visuals in this are priceless!
This is wonderfully descriptive. If I were you I’d keep a copy of this for later when she’s grown up and asks what she was like during her teenage years :)
A: how can it be that in the more than six years that I follow your baby names blog did I never realized you also had another!? Stupid url abbreviations.
B: mine are 6 and 2 and this week has been awful with all of us down with a fever. Already now I appreciate the 6 year old who can entertain herself over the cranky 2 year old. Please tell me that they do get more independent!!!
Oh Swistle, this post is so timely. Recently my 16 YO freaked out, and I mean had a total meltdown including yelling and crying because he believed I deliberately gave his 9 YO sister a bigger cookie. Yes, a bigger cookie… I probably made it worse because for the first 5-10 minutes I didn’t realize he was seriously upset, I thought he had to be joking. No. Very long story short, after more drama than seemed reasonable it came to light that he was in fact worried about finals, academics, and his homework load but rather than just bring any of that up he stewed about it alone and then wigged out about a cookie. It’s exhausting.
I know it doesn’t help that I tend to telescope his behavior too. Like because he is right now a self-centered ass sometimes I worry he will ALWAYS be a self-centered ass or because he is seemingly incapable of talking about things that bother him before they are terrible he will ALWAYS be like this notwithstanding the fact that he was neither of these things before adolescence and we are consistently working on both of these issues. The teen years are a real emotional challenge for us and our teen. Sigh.
DUDE. YES. I specifically said, “I’m going to the store. Everybody, if there’s something we need, tell me now.” Ten minutes after I get home, “But WHY didn’t you get bagels?” Sorry, not my job to keep track of the supply of a food only you eat. I asked, you didn’t tell me. Cue stomping and huffing and, “I GUESS I’ll just choke down some toast,” with a pointed look at me. As Jess said above – I love my children. I love my children. I love my children.
It seems perfectly reasonable that you would want to kick bunnies today.
I prescribe chocolate and alcohol, as needed.
:)
THIS IS SO REASSURING. I got my 12-year-old foster daughter on her most recent birthday, so I am VERY NEW to parenting and it is great to hear that it is NOT JUST ME who is deliberately ruining a child’s life.
Today, for example, it is my fault that she packed too large a bottle of liquid in her carry on bag. She just WISHES someone had TOLD her, you know? (You are probably shocked to hear that I HAD told her.)
But if you’d told her more than once, it would have been nagging. Yay!
I relate to this completely and my kids are 8 and 6!
I have an almost 14 yo and an 11 yo and I go through this CONSTANTLY. Whatever it is, it’s my fault, especially if it’s at the last minute. My son decided at 6:30 pm on February 13 that he wanted to do Valentines for his class of 30. (Had I asked him about this before? What do you think?) I told him I wasn’t going out again and he could make them himself out of printer paper, but his sucker of a father gave in and went to the store. What’s left 12 hours before Valentines? Paw Patrol and Pokémon. Suck it up, dude. At least he did it cheerfully.
My 13 year old students all know what time class ends, except when we’re on a special schedule (but they at least usually know it’s a special schedule day) so. Points in your favor.
Not sure where to begin . . . my 4 middle kids are 18, 16, 14, and 13. We are constantly reminding them to speak nicely and stop snapping. One of my teen boys cannot greet me, unless you count ‘what’s for dinner?’ They are famous for reminding me about things we need at the store as I walk in with $400 of groceries minus what we ‘need’. I just announced that I will not go to the store more than once a week. Laundry at the moment is the worst. Many of them believe that cleaning his/her room includes dumping clothes in the dirty laundry just to get them off the floor. My freshman daughter did freak out recently because she couldn’t find her b-ball uniform. It was my fault for never doing the laundry (um, like how does about 3 loads a day compare to never?). I found her uniform in her mudroom locker in a drawstring bag. I made her apologize which was silly because she spit the words out. Slightly insincere. Hang in there, Swistle.
OMG, the LAUNDRY. Putting every textile in the laundry basket just to get it off the floor! Stuffed animals! A tie! A blanket! Shin guards! A sport coat! Not to mention six thousand football cards OMG.
The. Laundry.
Just last evening I asked my 13yo daughter to please bring me the laundry basket which contained her dirty duvet and blankets. She huffed and puffed and “looked ALLLLLL over” for the dirty laundry. I stayed patient (bc I gave her a chore and damn it she was going to do it!) She continued to stomp and huff and puff and be overall shitty about this huge request. I walked upstairs, popped open my hamper (in her defense, yes, the cleaning ladies had moved it from a basket to the hamper) and BAM….there was the dirty laundry. In that dirty laundry receptacle. Hampers or laundry baskets…this is where dirty laundry is housed. HOW HARD WAS IT??? And yet she snapped “well I didn’t know where to look!!!” Really. NJHS president, straight A student. Couldn’t figure out this real puzzler.
My kid wanted me to make an emergency run to the store for pads. I asked have you looked *everywhere*? i just bought some. She promised she had. I opened her under sink cabinet and…..a full box of her favorite products. HOW DID SHE MISS THAT? Teenagers!
Two years ago, this was exactly my kids’ laundry m.o. At the time, the kids were 16, 13 & 11.
Two years ago, I quit doing anyone else’s laundry but my own. Bought them each their own laundry basket, gave them a lesson on the washer & dryer, and wiped my hands of that task. I’m never asked where any piece of clothing is. I’m never responsible for sports jerseys. It’s the one parenting/household decision I’m 100% sure was the right one. 100%
We had one emotional but respectful teenager (now 23), one easy teenager (now 20) and one teenager (now 17) who is trying to kill us. Every evening we crawl into bed before 10 PM, almost struck dumb, and mentally pant with exhaustion. One of us will tell the other one “this too will pass” or “A year and a half. We can do this.”
It’s like he studied a textbook on how to be a classic teenager and decided to employ each and every recommendation. We are earning our parenting stripes with this one!
I think your current situation will be my future!
I currently have three teens… A boy who is 17 (11th grade), a girl who is quickly approaching 16 (10th grade), and a girl who is 13 (7th grade).
The 13 year old is the most” teenager-y” teenager out of the 3 of them already!
My children are young (5, 9, and 9) so I’m not quite there with the attitudes yet. But one of them is technically my stepson whom I’m raising because his mother is a piece of human garbage. And I do all of the parenting things for him that go unnoticed that we’ve all mentioned and not only are they unnoticed but he’s eternally resentful towards me. So there’s that. Parenting is fun!
I feel sometimes like I am doing the mom of (almost) teen thing for the first time because our first born was and is so even-keeled, but it looks like we are going to get a double dose from the second one to make up for it. My mind reels thinking about doing it five times.
But maybe toddler x 5 was good preparation.
Parenting teenagers is like getting dumped, but then still having to live with your ex, make him dinner, and make sure he doesn’t stay on his phone too much.
Virtual high five for this zinger.
My oldest is only 11, but he is getting difficult too. We were out of milk yesterday, which pretty much only he drinks, so I went to the store specifically to get it and bought a small box of cookies from the deli as a special after school treat. 6 cookies, so each of the 4 kids got a cookie and a half. I even tore the extras into halves so nobody fussed! The 3 yr old wanted the 11 yr old’s cookies, I said “no, ignore him, he had his share” and the 11 yr old still gave him the cookies. You may be thinking “wow, how sweet” but that’s a firm NO because then the 11 yr old whined and whined about how everybody got cookies but him and how I didn’t buy enough. Ugh!!! And we have so many years of this left because the baby is just a baby. Can I do it?!?! Will it get easier??!?
My oldest is 6 but is a “challenge”…I was just telling my husband last night that I already dread the teen years because the age of 6 has already proved so tough, and I feel so inept at parenting his personality. So…if anyone has any recommendations for books or techniques to use on a strong willed child, please share! (He is an angel at school and for other adults, lashing out at his family is evidently where he excels! 🤣)
There’s a book called “Parenting the Strong-Willed Child” — I actually was looking for a home for mine, although I don’t know how I’d get it to you.
Oh, wait — “Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child”
Thank you!! My library has the ebook so I’m checking it out NOW (before my husband does any research into reform schools for 6 year olds-ha!)
I haven’t commented in so very many years, Swistle, but a tweet by you prompted me to visit today and this was exactly what I needed to read. Parenting teens can be exhausting and frustrating and it’s good to feel a little less alone in it. xo.
My 3 teens are a fun and peaceful walk in the Park compared to my 2 elementary age kids … maybe it’s their personalities … I hope the little ones calm down by the time they’re teens!
I signed up for parenting and also teaching teenagers. Teaching teenagers is generally better than people would think because they are much more reasonable in public. But that doesn’t mean there are never moments where a student whines because either I am out of the the dozens of pencils I buy with my own money every month or I expect him to walk over to the supply himself rather than deliver it to him.
Yes, I do get sick of it. I don’t need or expect praise, but I deserve to be cut some slack sometimes (and so do you).
My 12yo is being such an asshole right now. His brother is a different personality type and not as susceptible to the “typical teen” stuff. I needed to read this!