Today’s mood: “No, seriously: let’s stop unpacking at this point; let’s get the old house thoroughly cleaned and get the floors refinished and the ceilings/walls painted, and then let’s move back.” (What if I never DO adjust to this move, because it WAS IN FACT the wrong decision and I ACTUALLY DON’T want to live here? WHAT THEN??)
Tell you what: let’s talk about something other than my house panic. … … … I can’t think of a single thing. I have been sitting here listening to the clock tick for five minutes and I’ve got nothing.
Paul loves the house. He’s happy with it and keeps comparing it favorably to the old house. I think he’s worried too about what if I never really want to live here. Meanwhile I am wondering things like could we just keep both houses and I’ll live in the old one and he could live in this one? Because right now it seems like one of us is going to be miserable wherever we try to live. Or maybe not! Maybe one year from now I’ll re-read this post and think, “Wow, I barely even remember this!” Or maybe he’ll spend a year here and say, “You know what, I’ve tried that now and I’m done with it.” And we’ll lose a lot of money buying our old house back from the buyers (assuming we ever find buyers), who will have changed things important to us, and painted it ugly colors, and probably cut down the tree my dad planted when Henry was born. And we’ll never be able to sell this house, because who other than us would be suckers enough to buy it?
I haven’t thrown away our old address labels yet.
I feel like we shouldn’t have moved the kids: now we’ve lost that feeling they could have had about coming back to their childhood home as adults. And we’ve nearly guaranteed ourselves another move in the future, because this house would not be a good one to grow old in. This house would be a good one to break a hip in, or to fall down the basement stairs in and not be found for several days. So then we’ll have another move, and a house the kids have never even lived in. Our old house would have been a pretty good one to grow old in.
And really the only reason I even started looking at real estate listings is that I wanted a garage, and our old house (a raised ranch) was not a design that works well or looks right with a garage, and it seemed like it might be cheaper/better to move to a house with a garage rather than try to force-add a garage. AND THEN THIS HOUSE DOESN’T EVEN REALLY HAVE A GARAGE. I mean, it does, but it’s a one-car, and it’s far from the kitchen so it’s not great for bringing in the shopping, and the minivan fits so snugly I have to turn sideways to walk past. And Paul bought a new upright freezer and it was too big to fit through the door of the house so it had to go into the garage—but if the minivan’s parked in there, we can’t really get to the freezer. And our driveway is so hellishly steep, when there was just a dusting of fluffy snow I couldn’t get the minivan up it. THIS WAS ALL A TERRIBLE MISTAKE AND I WANT A DETAILED DO-OVER.
We recently moved to a whole different state, after having lived in the same state since birth up until that point. I keep having that panicky feeling about our kids not having a real “home” either, and also about having made a huge mistake. One thing that makes me feel better is that I have read and heard multiple times that it takes ONE YEAR to adjust. So I’m not going to hit the big red panic button until we hit the one year point. That at least buys me six more months before I freak out!
I truly thought I had ruined my entire life when I moved 3.5 years ago. I thought multiple times that if I was not marred with kids I would hop the first plane back to my old house and life. This feeling went away WAY WAY WAY later than I thought….like….it lasted maybe a year? But now I’m so glad we moved and I never think that way and the things that I hated about our house (it’s so small. our house is so, so, small) I now think of as charming and Important For the Kids to Experience.
I’m sorry you are in the panic. It’s terrible.
I understand the concern. My parents moved us so many times in my childhood I lost count. Even now my mom moves every 3 years , I think out of boredom. It’s hard for me to define where my childhood home is! But this is not helping you… except to say I think it’s good to consider the children! (Your house sounds lovely though!! )
Every time we have bought a house, I have spent a certain amount of time in a panic after the move. Our old place was fine, why did we do this, our lives are ruined forever etc…
The feeling, for me anyway, eventually passes as I get used to where the new grocery store is and discover new favorite restaurants/libraries/bookstores and figure out shortcuts and find little things to like about my new house and my new neighborhood.
I hope you get there too! Are you still thinking about getting a dog?
Renting out your old house isn’t an option, is it? Paul could enjoy living in the new house for a certain number of years, and then you could move back into the old house again, (while receiving a little income to balance out the pain of dealing with renters.) Just an idea.
I think it’s good you moved. My parents are selling my childhood home and I am just a mess over it. I wish we had lived in a couple of different places because I don’t think this would be so, so hard for me now. Because you know, it’s all about me! ;)
We moved out of state (I was a 6th generation in our last state, so ROOTS) and it did take a bit, but I don’t feel like I’ve ruined anyone’s life (including my own!). You’ll get there. New traditions and memories bring made help. :)
*memories ‘being’ made help.
I feel that way about my new job. Why did I leave my old job? Will I ever make friends here? Will I ever have enough to do? Why did I think it was a good idea to start over in a new industry?
We’ll make a deal: I’ll give it a year if you will. Then next fall we can reassess and decide if these decisions really were the horrible mistakes they currently seem to be.
I will say this, as someone whose parents and in-laws both recently downsized into new, smaller homes: when the time comes for you and Paul to grow old elsewhere, you can use that move as a time to foist all your unwanted stuff onto your kids and make THEM decide what to do with it. (I keep finding boxes on my front porch that my father-in-law has left there, full of old sports trophies and books no one remembers owning. *sigh*)
Omg I was JUST thinking this situation reminded me of new jobs. I changed jobs exactly a year ago. It was absolutely the right decision, but it was so incredibly hard too, and I cried buckets of tears the first year. It has gotten easier, but it took a long time, and there are still some days…
Change has such an impact on people. No matter the situation, the feelings are understandable. Good luck to both you and Swistle.
I am changing jobs right now (not even a different company, just a new job at the same company) and I am having all of these same feelings about it!
It took me ages to get comfortable in our new house. We moved from a suburb to the Big City and I was sure I had wrecked the kids by having them grow up in a small house with a tiny yard. But over time I’ve seen how our Big City is more like a small town in the way people all seem to know each other and we’ve built community and settled in. And it’s ok.
I think maybe you had this whole vision of your future with the kids coming home as adults and you and Paul growing old and it was all tied up in your old house. But now you have struck out in a new adventure and it means making some changes in your vision. Maybe after you spend some time envisioning your new future (positively) it will help you to embrace your new house. And you can always make changes to the house. You can tear down the current garage and build a better one if it’s really important to you.
And you may end up moving again when you’re old, because people do. Even people in one story houses move because they want less to take care of. Or they want to be closer to grandkids. And it will be hard, but also it will be ok. You are doing Future Swistle a favor by mixing it up NOW while you are still relatively young and more open to change. And Future You won’t have the burden of having to leave The House We Raised the Children In because those memories will be spread out some. It will be easier to be open to change in the future.
I hope this helps. Change is tough. Even changes we want.
I just wanted to jump in and say that this is a very helpful comment, at least to me. Swistle’s mileage may vary, but I found it helped me get my head around a few things in my own life right now.
Also, I’m sorry the move has been so hard for you, and I hope that soon you come to love the new house!
Oh Swistle. What an uncomfortable feeling! I am really hoping it passes soon!
I want a detailed do-over on so many things!!
I’m not great with change, either. We have been house hunting off and on for 2 years and during this last bout, I gave myself shingles from the stress. But I remind myself that whether we stay here or move elsewhere, I’m going to only get some of the things I want. There’s no perfect house. There’s always so many good things, and so many annoying and bad things, no matter where you end up.
I hope that this change starts feeling less new and more comfortable sooner rather than later for you!
I grew up in one home because my mom was an Army brat and thought we should have one childhood home. We had to sell it when she got sick to cover the cost of her care. The woman who owns it now has let it go into serious neglect and when I see it, it makes me really sad. I wish we’d moved more so it didn’t mean so much to me.
Maybe once spring and summer arrive it will look better to you. We moved into our house around this time of year, it was cold, the furnace broke and even worse, there was a gang related murder nearby right after. I had huge regrets and didn’t feel safe for the first year or two we lived here. Now I never want to live anywhere else and that opens up another set of problems!
Change is SO hard, and house-related/moving change is some of the absolute hardest.
If it’s at all any help, I was MISERABLE when we first bought our current home (which was our first home-ownership experience as well). In fact, the first time we went to see it after the closing, I burst into tears and said we’d made a huge mistake, and my husband got SO ANGRY at me because I was “ruining the experience” for him. He was Mr. Brightside and loved everything about it, while I had Many Nagging Regrets which stuck with me for some time. And there were a ton of hassles at the beginning, including hellish renovations and expenses. But my regrets did fade eventually and I got settled in and everything turned out fine. I agree with others who have said that winter is a craptastic time to move and probably makes everything seem worse, which was also my experience. When the weather is nice, there will be more to appreciate generally as well as with the house, especially since you won’t be cold all the time (which sounds AWFUL).
In the meantime, you could just seethe resentfully at your husband since he was so pro-moving and is so in love with this house. Just blame it on him for a while so it doesn’t feel that YOU have made a mistake.
Also get a dog.
Breathe, Swistle, breathe. Change is hard.
Also, the future rarely unfolds the way we see it. My mother still lives in the home I grew up in. Since finishing school and settling in a nearby city, I very rarely go there. I see my mother all the time – at my house, at an event, at my sister’s house (in the same town as her), at her church – but almost never at her house. She decided the year after my oldest was born that she didn’t want to host family gatherings anymore and told us she was passing the mantle. If you had asked ten years ago, I would have said I would be drinking iced tea on that front porch forever. But, the truth is I don’t.
I disliked the house we live in now for at least two full years after we moved into it (14 years ago). I hated that we moved to the burbs and had to drive to everything (other than the kids’ school which was at the end of the block and one of the main reasons we moved), I hated having to cope with a large yard, I hated that my commute got a bit longer, hated that our kitchen was insanely small. Hated it all. Then Oldest started the school at the end of the block and we started building a community. Now 14 years later we may be looking at a move in a couple of years and I find I don’t want to leave this house…
As someone who has moved WAY too many times – here is a bit of solace. The kids – or at least my kid and kids of my friend’s who’ve moved – had ZERO sentimentality about the house(s). Home is where your family is – whether it’s the childhood home or a different one.
I totally agree with you! As a military “brat”, we moved approximately every 2 years while I was growing up. We lived in several different states and numerous countries. To me, where you live is just a house, a building. Being with your spouse and children is what makes it a home. I never missed a particular house, although sometimes I did miss things that were around the town/neighborhood.
I moved when I was, let’s see, about 1, about 3, 8, 14, then moved out at 19. I’m now in my 6th house since then. This has been in a couple different cities/towns around Australia.
I definitely have sentimental feelings about the houses that I remember, but it’s really not so bad. I’m well aware that if I tried to go back that it wouldn’t look the same (and also the current owners wouldn’t be exactly impressed at me hopping over the back fence and breaking in). I don’t know if that helps at all re the kids.
I adjusted to each move in time. I think the faster ones were easier, because I hadn’t grown as attached to the current place.
This is not to say that your feelings are not valid, of course. You have the right to miss your old house and to WORRY. Moves are hard!
I was in the same job (different job titles, some different responsibilities) for 17 years and thought I’d never leave, and was scared as hell about leaving, etc. I ended up having to go, and I felt like I’d never adjust to being the new person and not knowing where anything was. I’m now in my 3rd job since then and I feel a lot more confident about my ability to adapt, and I’m so *glad* I left. I have had some experiences, both good and bad, that I wouldn’t’ve had if I’d stayed, and I’ve learned a lot both personally and professionally. I feel like I’ve grown and gotten stronger.
I think you are developing your adaptability and strength too, and that’s pretty awesome. Even if it sucks at times! Also I like to hold onto the thought about how it’s better to regret things that you’ve done than to regret things you haven’t done. It’s better to make the leap.
I think you are awesome.
And a PS.
I wonder if writing about it might help. I don’t mean the writing that you do here (which is great and much appreciated!) – I mean personal writing just for you. If you’re not doing so already. Maybe some specifics, like at the old house it’s four and a half steps from the fridge to the table. Maybe some things that you don’t want to forget, like when I started my latest job I wrote down the account codes for stationery from my previous job because I felt like I didn’t want to forget them. Maybe some general memories about one day I stood right here and the light caught my eyes in that way when I had this conversation, or Elizabeth bumped her head on this corner. Maybe some very ‘boring’ specifics about how this room is that big and there’s a little lip at the edge of the shower drain where I always caught my fingers.
You might find that if you write some of these things down, some things that have been part of your life for so long, it’ll help you feel like they won’t be forgotten.
(You may also find that you’re not ready to do that, or just don’t want to, because it makes you feel too much like the old house is in the past.)
I’m so sorry Swistle!!! I read somewhere a list of the most stressful things that happen in a person’s life, and the list included moving right up there with death of a family member, job loss and divorce. So if it’s any comfort at all, your feelings are valid and normal and you probably haven’t actually ruined your life. That being said, I theoretically knew this but I was sure I was different and that moving should be easy for me and thus when it sucked, I was certain we had in fact ruined our lives. My family moved all the time when I was a kid and my parents still move a lot (I have lived in my current house five years which is longer than my parents have lived in one house for the last twenty years). I feel that because we moved so much, I am more “free”—like I’m not tied down to any place or possessions. But despite all that I was a wreck when we moved from our apartment into our house. We suddenly had to do our own maintenance, not just call the building office. We suddenly had to worry about what our house looked like from the outside, like paint and window washing and landscaping and fence fixing and yard work (!!!). No more garage = i had to start parking outside. These things are little and silly but I was convinced we had made a terrible mistake. I was a hot mess for like a year and tried to convince my husband that we should move back into an apartment. But after about the one year mark I started to calm down, and after two years I noticed I was actually getting super attached to our house. I bet it goes the same way for you!
For what it’s worth, my parents moved house a few years after my brothers and I had all moved away but we all go see them at the “new” (it’s been like 10 years now) house and none of us feel like we lost our childhood home. There was some nostalgia at the time about the previous house but no feeling like, “oh we don’t have a home anymore.” We all helped pack up the old house on various visits and got rid of a bunch of our old stuff that had been sitting around. So, even if you move again, I think the kids will still come visit you!
From a kid’s perspective: My parents sold my childhood home and moved to their “dream home” after my youngest sibling went off to college, and while it was really sad at the time, we have come to see their new house as The House, and my kids have all grown up knowing that as “Grandma’s house”, so it all worked out for us. There was some good natured joking/not really joking when they first moved because my younger sister was the only one who had her own room with her own stuff in it, and everyone else had to stay in a generic guest room. Mom said it was because she was still in college and needed a room of her own. The rest of us were too old, she said.
I’m sorry you are in a panic over it. I know that doesn’t feel good. I hope it passes soon.
Have your parents buy the old house and then you can go stay in it whenever they’re gone (don’t they live somewhere else part of the year?) and your dad can protect the Henry tree. My parents bought our former house when they moved to our city and my kids loved sleeping over in their old rooms at Gramma & Grampa’s house and climbing their favorite tree. Then my mom died and everything’s different now, but someday waaaaaay into the future when my dad dies, we’ll own the house again and maybe one of my kids will want to live in it.
I don’t think it’s quite as easy as all that, but that is nice it worked out for you. I will say, we bought our house (a starter home where we still live 17 years later…) from a family where the parents had died and some of the kids had lived in it as adults at various times (having all grown up there) and it was legally owned by 5 grown children and some grandchildren who had come of age. It was TERRIBLE. Getting everyone to agree on the sale price, then sign the documents, some lived out of town, and they also had the sleaziest agent. All Terrible. We also moved in winter. My grandma died the following spring and let’s just say I had a lot of feelings that year.
Swistle, it will be ok eventually, but for now, feel all the feelings. It’s ok. We are here and we want to listen.
Well, let’s see. There was the purchase of a home, with closing costs and taxes and a mortgage, new utilities, the cable guy, what day does the garbage go out, forwarding the mail, new floors, ANOTHER bill, etc. Paul goes jauntily (I assume) off to work each day, leaving you to fret/figure it all out. Then the holidays. Then Rob home from school with all his sophomoric knowledge and attitudes, and then he’s off again. And it’s winter. And the orange hemorrhoid is in the White House. How you are still standing upright and taking nourishment is a scientific wonder. Hang in. Delegate. Drink. Lean on us, who love you beyond measure. Take a Starbucks/Target run for essentials (and earrings). This, too, shall pass. xo
i love this answer
This!
Absolutely!!
Just some commiseration with regards to inclines and driving in icy/snowy weather. It intimidates the hell out of me! That bit would cause me some palpitations, too.
The Henry tree makes me weepy. Is anyone in your family a photographer? Sometimes I take photos of things when I have to move (apartments) or give them away (a knife block my dad engraved with a message but I no longer used).
I took a bunch of pictures of Henry with his tree this fall. What I’m very much hoping is that the new residents (whenever they are in place) will want the tree for the same shade reasons WE wanted the tree, and will leave it alone.
Well done, well done.
And re: new owners, I think 75% of people really cherish trees, so the odds are in its favor. I’m reading a book right now where a farmer takes a picture of a special chestnut tree once a month and then made a flipbook of the tree growing. It’s an extremely small subplot in a massive book, but I love thinking about big art projects like that. I wish I’d taken a picture of where I carved my name in one of my grandparents’ trees 35 years ago :)
This resonates deeply with me. It’s been a year and a half since our family’s life change and I can’t get beyond it. I’m still looking for signs it was the right choice. It is exhausting.
It’s hard because, like your situation, the loss (your house) is still there and still in reach to change this decision. Would it be easier if your old house burned to the ground? For me, it would help because there would be no turning back and just pining for what was but can no longer be. Loss without closure (yet)….it’s tough. Thanks for sharing.
Here are my thoughts. You haven’t really had a chance to figure out your new normal. Meaning that you moved and immediately were thrown into the holidays. The holidays are chaotic at best. I didn’t move this year and I can’t wait for the holidays to really be over so I can get back into my routine.
I’m hopeful that is part of your experience. That in the coming days you start to feel your routine and that may lead you to some comfort. Because even though you’ve been in the new house for a few weeks, you haven’t had a chance to really start a routine because of the time of year alone.
I just wrote a whole comment on my phone and lost it. So I opened my laptop to try again. This comment is going to start out not helpful but maybe end helpful so bare with me.
When we searched for houses I had a list of things I wouldn’t bend on. We looked at so many and I hated them all. The house we bought, my husband showed me online and I said NO. Then one day we were looking at another house around the corner that I hated, and I saw this house (not knowing it was the one online). Right way it had not one of my must haves but one of my WISH items. A horse shoe drive way. Oh how I wanted one of those. So we went in. The house was gross. The prior owner had mice, the floors were full of dog poo, the shower floor was black, it was horrible. I LOVED IT. I knew right away it was my home. I knew the offer would be accepted. From the moment the first stroke of paint went up and the shower walls came out, this was home. We stayed at old house while we fixed up new house, and I resented old house every day. I never once lamented about it, or worried I would miss it. I didn’t care. I wanted out. When we moved into this house it felt like I had lived here forever. I didn’t get lost in the dark, I knew right where everything was, it just clicked. Maybe because I had walked the house so often in my head while loathing about old house in the old house.
Something you said stands out. You cannot grow old in that house. So, what if you don’t. What if instead this is just a check point. You fix up this house, flip it, make a profit and look for your final home. Sell old house, sit on the money, make new house better than when you got it, and then sell it.
Make a list of must haves for FOREVER HOME and don’t budge. Things on my list. I wanted the master bedroom on the main floor, but the kids room and loft upstairs. That way I knew two things, they couldn’t sneak out or in without passing me, and when I grow old I never have to climb the stairs. I wanted a counter with a seated bar. I wanted a guest room with a bathroom (our extra bath connects to our guest room, so when we have company over they essentially have their own bathroom and shower). I wanted an office. I wanted a towel closet (I got two). I wanted a three car garage (we got three cars and a car port) I wanted a porch (I got two). I wanted to be walking distance from one kids friends house. (we are equal distance from each kids best friend and one mile from my parents.) I wanted hard wood in the main house but carpet in my bedroom. I wanted a kitchen that opened to the living room for parties. Bonus that mine looks out into the living room and has two seated bars in between. So I can fill one bar with food, and the other people can sit at while watching the super bowl game. I wanted a kitchen sink that looked out into my yard. I wanted a walk in closet.
I got every single thing on my list of MUSTS and several on my WISH LIST. I say, you flip that house, and stop treating it as permanent. Instead treat it as a stopping point. Don’t unpack all of the stuff. Some of it you won’t need for a while, leave it boxed up, it will make it easier to move to forever home. Start your list. Live minimally in this house. Find one or two ways to instantly improve it from how you bought it, and then say farewell. Find your forever home, a home that feels like home the very first time you walk in. Because then, you will never spend a moment wondering if you made the right choice.
Now this becomes a project. An item on a list to check off. Fix up this house. Sell old house. Sell this house. Find forever home.
I’m so inspired by this!
I’m sorry that you’re having such a hard time settling in Swistle! I think it is extra hard because you guys still have the old house, so in the back of your mind the move is not really over. Would it be helpful to give yourself a set amount of time to try living in the new house, say after 6 months or a year and then reassess. By that time all of the niggling jobs will be done at the old house and you can either move back, rent it or sell it. I like the idea of renting it, especially as you are still in the same town (we rent a property 4hours drive away and it is a pain in the arse and not worth the income imo).
In the near future could you invite your parents or someone to visit for a few nights in the new house? Having someone else pointing out all the cute things might help you feel more at home. It’s almost too bad that you can’t invite Paul’s mother over to criticise the new house so that you have to go into protective mode and find all the positive things about living there :)
Good luck!
Ps. I wish I had a personal sunporch ;)
When you started writing about the possibility of this house I was so jealous. It sounded amazing. Would there be a secret room? Would you be able to walk to every good thing and rarely use your car? Was it possible that you were so breezily (it seemed breezy-ish to me) making this change? Really? Where was my comrade-in-arms who hated change? I was so impressed that you were going along with this idea of Paul’s and that it seemed like such a good idea. But now my Swistle is back. OF COURSE IT IS HORRIBLE! Change is the worst! I am sorry your misery seems to be almost a relief because I really am sorry you are miserable. I do think that you are going to be very happy with your new house but it takes time (as everyone says). Time that eventually makes changing from the new house seem worse than changing back to the old house. I hope it goes quickly. A year seems like a long wait. But you are getting good pep talk advice from those who have been through it. And again, the new house does have some great charms.
As for moving out of the children’s childhood home, my mother still lives in my childhood home about 5 miles from me and I am simultaneously glad she does (I hate change) and (at age 52) panicked about the inevitable end to this house. She can’t live forever. Barring tragedy, this house will end up as someone else’s in my lifetime and I will have to stop driving down that road. Plus, I will have to deal with emptying that house of all the things that have collected there in over 50 years. You are sparing your children some of this — though I know many of the collections have come with you. Are any of them pining for the old house along with you?
This is another good point. My grandma has lived in the same house for EVER. Now that she’s old and refuses to leave a few things are happening. We al know she is going to die in the house, which ruins any sentimental childhood happy feelings. Also it’s SO MUCH TO SELL SORT GET RID OF. Plus my mom has been selling her rentals because she hates being a landlord but now feels obligated to keep grandmas house and rent it out rather than selling it. However she’s lamenting about how she hoped renters wouldn’t ruin grandmas house and it’s a vicious circle. I really wish grams would have moved a long time ago releasing all of us from this house before it got this far.
My parents live in my childhood home but they remodeled it after I left so it doesn’t feel like home to me anymore. Also once I moved out that was very final. That didn’t feel like home anymore
Something I do for my kids is decorate seasonally. I have fall, Valentine’s, Christmas, spring decor. One of my hopes is that if I ever did leave my forever favorite home that anywhere I moved would feel familiar to them when they visited because they would find the comforting decor. Also in certain families I think home is where mom is. No matter where I live if my boys come home and their favorite meal is made I think, they will feel at home
CHANGE IS THE WORST!
I was most nervous about Edward, because he was most unsure about the move. But I asked the kids a couple days ago, seeding the conversation by saying I’d read it took a year to get settled in a new house, and he said actually he already felt settled. So I am encouraged.
A comment on kid adjustment and coming home as an adult that I hope is helpful: When I was 10, my family made a move that sounds rather similar to yours — bigger house, but in the same city and with the same schools — and, at the time, I was pretty devastated. I couldn’t believe my parents wanted to leave the only house I remembered. But I adjusted quickly and I really think that move at 10 made it much easier to adjust to other moves later in my life. And there were other moves! The bigger house ended up not being a forever home (honestly, it ended up being too big and too much to deal with), but that worked out fine — we moved again when I was 16 to a house that was pretty similar to the first house. And my parents have moved two more times since I left home, finally settling about seven years ago in the house they want to grow old in. I’ve never lived there, but I’m always happy to come “home” to it. My things aren’t there, but my parents’ things are — oh yeah, along my parents themselves and the newer memories I’ve made with them there — so it still feels homey.
In short: adjustment takes time; if it’s not right, it doesn’t have to be forever; home is where the fam is. I’m so sorry you’re having a (very understandably) rough time with this big change, dear Swistle.
So many hugs for you during this transition. On the kid front, a reminder that “Home” is not a house, it’s the people in it. That said, I’m in agreement with the folks who say the garage could be expanded (maybe made deeper?)
My sister lives in Vermont off a dirt road at the top of a steep hill, and there are some days in the winter when she parks at the bottom of the hill and walks up (about a quarter of a mile), because of the risk of not being able to get the car up or down if the road is icy.
Is the lot big enough that you could switch the garage to the side near the kitchen and have a more gradual slope to it? Obviously, not this winter, but maybe in the relatively near future? You could then make the existing garage into a workshop or something. Storage for yard tools? Kids’ bikes? Whatnot?
Sending even more hugs.
As someone who moved into a “my husband loves it” property about 8 months ago–
I don’t love this house, and I expect I never will. To me, our old house was better in every way except for his commute. I feel that way even now. It just flowed and functioned better.
That said… I’m okay with where we are. I’ve gotten used to or found work-arounds for the things that were inconvenient or were poor design choices for a family like ours. I’ve mostly found the things that were misplaced in the move and which I couldn’t find for the first few months. I’m happy with my daughter’s daycare and while I still don’t know ANYONE socially, I’m working on feeling more settled in general.
So, for what it’s worth: even if you never feel fully happy with the house, you may still reach a point of being okay with it.
Oh, and re: the kids “coming home” thing: my mother sold her house on the east coast and moved to the southwest after I’d graduated from college and my youngest sibling was in her last year of college. Not seeing my old room/old house wasn’t that big of a deal. My only regret associated with her move now– decades later–is that I told her that it was okay to get rid of the books I’d left behind. I didn’t have room for them at the time and didn’t think I wanted them, but I’m wishing I had my own kid books to share with my daughter. As regrets go: pretty minor. So I’d say just live your life and don’t worry about it.
Just in case this makes you feel better, I have all my childhood books – and I read A LOT – and my daughter, who has always read a fair bit, was wholly uninterested in them. :)
Is it possible you need a side of french toast?
My dad was a Navy brat and moved every 18 months (back in the day). My mom lived in the same small town until she went to college. They both turned out fine.
They moved into a continuing care community when my dad was in his late 70s. In theory, their was a house they could grow in. As a practical matter, the care and maintenance of any house was too much work.
Your kids will be fine. We moved several times as a kid, and now my parents have sold everything and travel full time. I love it because they come to ME instead of me having to load up my kids and spend lots of money to travel to them. I’m sure at some point that will change again, but your kids will probably not care too much about their childhood home (other than to drive by it with their kids and point out how different it looks now that they’re adults).
You know what I enjoy so much about this blog? The honesty. Like, this is how I feel about things, and it’s hard, and perhaps life would be easier if I could just “go with the flow,” but I’m stuck!
For whatever reason, I was thinking about how we all seem to find change energizing, but often it very different ways. At times novelty and change make me really really deliriously happy, at other times it scares the hell out of me. Anyway, I giggled when I found this snippet from the archives. “I don’t know if you know this about me, but I’m not a ‘go with the flow type.’ LOL! So, I assume that ‘go with the flow’ types love transitions and the rest of us find them draining and frustrating.
xo
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One evening as we were saying our goodbyes, August’s little sister (who was and is the sort of person you’d describe as Bringing Joy to the World, she is such a cutie/sweetie/sunshine) asked if I could sleep over. My parents had a policy for these situations, and that policy was No Spontaneous Plans: it’s too difficult to arrange these things on the spot, and too hard for parents to say no if they want to. But for some reason they let this offer stand (THANKS), and four adults and four children waited to hear my RSVP.
I am not sure you know this about me, but I am not a “go with the flow” type. And so the thought of changing course like this and spending the night was…startling. My first protest, in fact, was that I didn’t have my THINGS with me, and of course August’s mother said that was no big deal and that they could even rustle up a brand-new toothbrush for me. And then everyone waited again.
Know what term I hate? “Forever Home.” It implies that there is one specific place out there that is the end all, be all, place forever. But that’s not reality. Situations change. Life changes. People get older. Kids move out. Temporary is OK. A house can be a good fit for a few years or even decades, and then just not work any more at all. My husband and I have moved 5 times in 18 years, and bought twice. We’ve lived in our current hours for 14 years, but it’s not where we’ll live forever (we won’t live anywhere forever). We already know we want to move when the kids are older, and we’ll want a smaller place on one floor. The current set up works with older kids, but not older people (too many stairs and bad knees make a bad mix). It’s OK to not 100% love your current situation. Kids are resilient. You aren’t damaging them or making them lose a sense of home.
I do think you’ll be happier, or at least able to move on once the old house is sold. Right now, there’s no closure for you on that part of your life. It’s too easy to entertain thoughts of moving back to what you were familiar with.
Yes! I agree. The concept of a forever home is a bit of a non-starter for me, too.
Out of curiosity, I peeked back at my blog posts around the time we bought this house. A full three months out, I was still (posting about) feeling unsettled (and terrified of New House Noises), but less panicky and dooms-day-y/this-is-a-huge-mistake-y than I had been previously. So I have FULL CONFIDENCE that things will get better, that it is still just early days, and that perhaps Christmastime Feelings have also compounded and intensified the Moving Feelings. I don’t in any way mean to minimize your distress, but I do want to send you additional It Will SURELY Get Better vibes. Hang in there.
We moved 12 times when I was a child. My grandmas house was home to me. Because of this upbringing, I love moving, because I feel like it’s a clean slate fresh start. But when I bought my house, grandmas house was for sale. I was very tempted to buy it but the neighborhood has deteriorated and the house was in bad shape and had been lived in by strangers at that point. Now 6 years into my home that is the same style as grandmas, I’m longing to move to smaller place. I said I would always love living in the city, but I have found that as I near 40, that just isn’t the case. I have read that people want to move about 6-7 years after buying a home. That is about how long I’ve been in my house now, so maybe that’s feeding the itch to move!
Agree strongly with it taking a year to adjust. The fun new sheen wears off after about a month so you’re right on track. I think spring will help a lot, both from the warmer house and seeing what blooms on your property. As far as growing old. You don’t have to think about that today. I do think you’re giving yourself a false dichotomy here, though. The situation doesn’t come down to the old house or this one; there are lots of others that may suit you when the time comes to sell this house. In fact I think that once you sell the old one, things will feel better.
I’m so sorry you are feeling this way, but I do feel it is normal for you to have this reaction. Change is hard, especially when you weren’t unhappy with what you had before. One of my hardest changes was moving from a job I really liked, in a state where I grew up and my whole family lived. I got a better job with the same company, but had to move 1300 miles away. I HATED IT! I hated the scenery, so different from what I loved and left, I didn’t like the new job, I didn’t like the people. It took me 6 months to settle in, and then I started to love it. The environment, so different from what I was used to-took on a beauty I never expected to see, I made new friends, I adjusted to having to drive 30 miles to do a good grocery shop. Ever since then whenever I make a big life change I do think “at least 6 months”.
Would it help in any way to think what attracted you to this house? I read a book a few weeks ago, where a lady had a gratitude jar, where each day she put a piece of paper in it. I picture a big mason jar, and each day you write on a slip of paper what you like about this house. Not even that you have to read them, but maybe just seeing the good thoughts build up?