I had such a fun weekend, with so much beer and wine and so many treats—and oh also such a good time with favorite people, not to imply with syntax that those much-loved people came second to the frosted lemon pound cake, even though it was exceptionally good frosted lemon pound cake, moist all the way through so that even the non-frosted parts were delicious.
There was also a very good café mocha.
And then I came home to find one child cleaning the bathroom sink (for money, but whatever) and another child baking cookies (for payment in cookie dough, but whatever). And I was reminded of the days when I couldn’t get away for an overnight like this without accumulating SIGNIFICANT marital debt, and the days when I was buying multi-packs of children’s clearance underwear so that I at least had the OPTION to just throw away a pair when I felt I Really Couldn’t Cope with another terrible potty-training accident without breaking down and possibly leaving forever, or the days when I had to grocery shop in small batches because I had one child in the top of the cart and one child makeshift-strapped with a belt to the inside of the cart and one child fussing in a frontpack, or the days when I had to carry significant diaper-bag luggage with me to leave the house and STILL might end up having to buy replacement clothing for a child who had barfed in the car on the way.
And really, overall, I would say that despite my occasional tender sentimental feelings about the baby days and the region I used to call my waistline, life is vastly preferable now. Like, if right now you are more in the stage of not getting anywhere near enough sleep and then spending your days standing in line with those many children, that enormous diaper bag, those clearance underpants, the emergency replacement clothing—and, while you are holding on to your last exhausted nerve and trying hard not to snap or cry, if you have older ladies in line behind you telling you to enjoy every moment, and you are wondering if that means everything ahead of you must be bleak and sad in comparison to this time when you are barely keeping your head above water: No. It’s a memory problem they’re having, and they don’t mean to be implying that next up for you is a downward spiral into a meaningless future where you would actually tell a struggling young mother that it’s all downhill from there.
Your babies just look sooooooooooooo delectable and sweet to the people who don’t have to sustain them with their bodies, get up with them in the middle of the night, clean their barf out of the car upholstery and the unremovable car-seat cover, figure out how to get those revolting soiled onesies off (pull them DOWN the baby’s body, not up over the face), monitor them every waking moment to make sure they don’t die, etc. etc. etc. You have to admit you DO HAVE very cute babies. It blows older ladies’ circuits temporarily, that’s all. They remember the feel of a warm satisfying little baby settled comfortably on a hip.
But do not be dismayed by the baby-drunk onlookers and how much they seem to miss that time. It’s really great to be able to get only your own self into the car and have all the kids get into the car on their own and close the car doors and buckle their own seat belts. It’s really great to be able to say, “Hey, take a shower” and have a kid do the entire thing themselves. It’s really great when a sick kid barfs into the toilet and you only know about it after it’s over. It’s really great to be able to eat and drink things without thinking of the impact it will have on fertility or a fetus or a nurser. It’s really great to go to the store by yourself, packing just your own purse and your reusable shopping bags. It’s really great to be able to go away for an overnight with friends without having to do a huge I.O.U. to the other parent. It’s really great to have “cleaning up someone else’s barf” be an EXCEEDINGLY RARE thing. It’s really great to say to the kids, “Okay, I’m going to [get a haircut / go to my appointment / have lunch with a friend / have dinner with Daddy], I’ll be back in a couple of hours, be good, be nice, don’t fight, don’t use the stove, my phone number is on the counter”—and then LEAVE THEM THERE WHILE YOU GO ELSEWHERE, NO SITTER REQUIRED. It’s really great to remember the weight of those little footie-sleepered babies in our arms, without remembering the spit-up trailing down the back of our shirt and the milk-circles forming on the front.
Brilliant and perfectly said, as usual!
Yeah, I usually just tell people It Gets Better and I’m happier now, but this was much more eloquent!
As long as we’re encouraging, I always encourage divorcing parents that while there are many terrible things about their situation, it allows glimpses of this life almost immediately (if custody is shared).
Hear hear. The beginning of splitting custody is hard; I spent a few weekends moping about, spontaneously weeping. After that I adjusted and now anticipate my few glorious days alone.
And this summer, my only kiddo goes to a week of camp for the third year in a row. There’s no anxiety on either of our parts because she’s gone there twice already, so we’re both excited and YOU GUYS. A WHOLE SUMMER WEEK KID FREE.
Totally! I know my kids are safe and loved and happy with their dad, so I love my kid-free time!
Amen and hallelujah. There’s a couple at church with an eight-month-old baby who I LOVE to hold and snuggle, and he often sleeps on me all through church, and it’s so wonderful, and then I hand him back to his parents after church and that’s even more wonderful. I go home to my teenagers who shop for their own clothing and clean their own bathroom and prepare their own snacks, and I am grateful for those baby years but also thankful they’re over.
And tell me again about how no one pees on you? And the sleep, how is the sleep?
Haha, yes! I just read it in its entirety twice, just trying to imagine this seemingly impossible future.
No one pees on me at all! And I can even go to bed EARLIER than the children do if I want to, and sleep LATER than they do if I want to!
Oh glorious woman of the future, let me be free like you one day!
I loved this and it’s so true. Then you have grandkids and you experience some of the not so great parts, but mostly you enjoy the snuggling and sweetness and hand them back to their parents when you’ve had enough. Although it’s also very satisfying to step in when your kids are overwhelmed and exhausted and give them a much needed break.
Thank you for this.
Thanks for this. We have a 5yo who pretty much takes care of himself, but are having #2 in a couple of months. I am dreading the first year. It is so hard for me. But I’m trying to remember how great it is after that point. Basically, once they start sleeping through the night. I can cope with everything else if I get 8 hours of sleep.
This whole post makes me SO happy!!!!
I think I needed this. I’ve been nostalgic recently for the preschool days because my little niece is so darn cute in the Facebook pictures I see of her. But now my youngest is twelve and asks excellent questions like, “Can I make a cake?” and the answer is “Yes, if you clean up after yourself” and then there’s cake to eat and while I do have to issue reminders about cleaning up, it does eventually get done.
Welp, this working mom of two small ones and one on the way is completely tearing up. I needed to read this so badly! Especially as I am in the midst of planning both a weekend away with my husband (the logistics of childcare without available grandparents makes it very nearly not even worth it) as well as a week-long work trip during which I will accrue substantial martial debt. (My husband is an actual saint, I swear.)
So yeah. Thank you.
A teen will never EVER wake you up, the situation is completely reversed.
Teens pack their own lunches and make quite a few of their own meals. Sometimes they even make simple dinners for the family. (It totally rocks.)
Teens are crazy useful for yard work, unlike their tiny former selves. Last year mine cleaned low gutters, and planted bedding plants for me. Not gonna lie, I loved it.
I used to miss the smallness, but I can honestly say I’m over it. I just like bigger kids. It’s a sweet time. I’m still needed, but I’m not relied on so completely.
YES, this is exactly how I feel! I have slower-growing tweens (Older turns 13 in less than a week, Younger is 11), so they don’t yet loom over me (those days are approaching) but they are still, on balance, HELPFUL now. Granted, they don’t bake and they still pee all over the toilet, but we can interact like Pretty Much Adult Humans and it is awesome. I went on a business trip last week (rare) and have a conference next week (super rare) and while there will be some Spousal Prep Work to do, it’s not that bad and, if needed, the kids can stay home by themselves and be put to work on laundry, dishes, etc.
Haha, this (about teens not waking you up) made me laugh. Mine, who is the same age as Henry, will now sleep until, say, 9 on a weekend morning, which is fabulous, but back when he would not sleep past 7 (which I know many would still have been grateful for) I would occasionally tell him that I know that in the future I’d be complaining that he SLEPT UNTIL NOON AND WOULD NOT TALK TO ME!!! That right now I wished he would just STAY IN BED AND SHUT UP! Which to be clear was actually said in a friendly tone and in a conversational setting where we were talking about how people change over time and at a stage when he was old enough to at least broadly grasp that I like to sleep in from time to time and need quiet time sometimes (which is funny, because while I imagine my son to be old enough to grasp these concepts, my husband seems not to be…) and that as a mom to a ~7-year old, I wasn’t getting to do those things and hadn’t for some years.
My oh my that sounds like a glorious future. I have a 3yo and another on the way. Half the time my 3yo is a perfect angel and I am the happiest person on the planet, and the other half the time she’s purposefully misbehaving and then throwing screaming fits when she gets in trouble for it. Never have I been so happy for a Monday. Work feels like a break.
She was so much easier as an infant/young toddler, because even when she would give me trouble I could say to myself “she’s just a baby, she doesn’t know any better.” But now she KNOWS and she tests me ANYWAY and I literally cried twice this weekend while she wasn’t looking.
Anyway, I needed this. Thanks.
Have been thinking about a fourth baby. Waffling back and fourth – I have 3 great kids and I keep thinking one more could be pushing our luck. Now thinking that another kid would just delay this beautiful future of sleeping in.
But one more would be fun. Sigh.
Thank you thank you thank you.
My daughter turns 1 on Sunday and I heard back to work the following week (because Canada) and I am experiencing a lot of feelings. I keep remembering that she just keeps getting more fun.
I wonder if it’s maybe also easier when you have multiple kids because it’s easy to just remember those hazy early days with one baby where you can sort of just do whatever, whatever mostly being snuggle the baby.
So great. Mine are 4 and 1. I recently went on a one day business trip during which husband took both to their respective daycare/school places, picked them up, fed them dinner, did baths, and put them to bed all successfully (he had never put the baby to bed before). I don’t drink normally but now I feel so free like I could go out for drinks with my (imaginary) girlfriends.
Milestones are the best.
So much yes to this! I wrote about the exact same thing today, from a perspective that’s a little more advanced than yours.
THIS! My coworker just became a grandmother for the second time – she has a 3 YO nephew and newborn niece and they are so cute and fun and I don’t want to go back to those days for all of the money in the world. My kids are 15 and nearly 9 and it’s glorious. I have time to actually foster some friendships, I can sleep in on weekends if I want, they don’t have to be fed the second we all get home from work and school, they wash and dress themselves. Sure, I spend more time than I’d like getting them to various activities, but it is nowhere near as all consuming as the little kid days. In short, I finally have some time to actually feel really blessed as opposed to feeling blessed in the abstract and frantic in reality.
Welp, this made me cry. You sound so rested and happy. I want to go there.
Yes! Yes to all of this.
My usual thing to say to parents of young children, is, ‘The days are long, but the years are short”.
I’ve been dealing with a struggling teenager lately and have been wistful for the days when she was four and an ice cream cone would make her happy. Other than that, I do not miss that stage at all. I love the independence and the freedom that I have gained with their growth. We went to Disney recently and my teens and I were making jokes about counting how many tantrums we overheard. My son even overheard a parent tantrum, so he was crowned the winner. Nope. Don’t miss that at all. My kids do their own laundry and make their own food and I love it so much. I get up in the morning and dress myself and leave for work. It’s amazing. Hang in there, younger mamas!!
We practically throw parties at our house every time a child crosses into the land of “barfs in the toilet and [we] only find out about it later.”
3 down, 2 to go….
Notes from the trenches… today the baby (3 months) spit up all over myself and herself and the carpeted stairs just as we were walking out to the car. While we were out, the three year old was all over the place in a store where I let her walk (of course), then didn’t want to go in the cart in the next store (naturally). I’m pretty sure I’m done with two kids, so it’s good to hear that life gets more manageable (and less vomit-oriented) as the years go by.
Hope. Glorious hope.
That is what you have given me today. Thank you.
Signed,
The mom of a 1- and almost-5-year-old
Sometimes I wish I could take a vacation to the future where I can have breakable things out and around the house, my first thought when I buy something is “How sad will I be when it’s destroyed?” and can pee without anyone watching me/trying to stick their hands in the toilet/unraveling all the toilet paper. Mine are 6, 4, and 1, and I do love the feeling of a baby sleeping limp on my shoulder and the absolute delight of a little boy eating a lollipop, but boy is this just so incredibly exhausting!
I wish the same thing about the breakable things, my daughter is 24-but the cats! Just when my daughter started being responsible these cats showed up…
This made me laugh, because my mother stopped putting up a Christmas tree last year because of her new cat.
My husband and I have both cats and children, and we tell each other that there is an alternate universe where we have a beautiful collection of art glass.
I often tell people that things get better when the youngest turns four. You might still be dealing with some night time accidents and barf now and then but everyone can help themselves to a bowl of cereal on Saturday morning and everyone can “just.wait.one.minute.” I am appreciating that this is a low-maintenance phase. They are about to be 7, 9, and 11.
My favorite stage? Teenagers. Angst and all.
This was helpful. For many, many sound and logical reasons, my husband and I agreed to stop at two, but ever since the little one weaned I have been getting more, not less, baby hungry and keep secretly half-hoping for an “oops” baby. But my wistful, nostalgic feelings are only for the stuff that I was really good at – namely, nursing, and holding very wee ones while they slept. I have blocked out all the stuff that left me weeping and wondering why I ever thought I’d be good at this. This was a nice reminder that even if I could handle another, do we really want to start all over just as the youngest is about to enter kindergarten? No. No, I don’t think we do.
I’m in an in-betweener stage (oldest is almost 9, youngest is 4). I was feeling kind of sad to have the baby stage so far behind me (it FEELS far!), but now I’m raring to go! Great pep talk! I am definitely looking forward to the no-babysitter days and the time when going away for the weekend won’t be such a production.
I needed this today. Potty training is not going well. I can’t figure out what motivates her. Candy, marshmallows, popcorn, trips to the store or park, stickers, special toy she picked out herself…not one of these has resulted in a drop in the toilet. I wouldn’t be so worried about it, but she’s almost 4 and preschool won’t happen without that milestone firmly reached. After older siblings, you’d think I’d know what to do, but I feel like this is all completely new. And I’m so tired because people in the house still wake up at night/early in the morning and/or stay up late. I don’t want to wish this time away but I just really need a nap. This came out so very dreary! Fun and sweet times abound, to be sure, but I’m grateful for the beautiful future sleep that awaits!
It’s all true! I think a sign of coming out the other side of those difficult years is how genuinely I admire other folks’ babies. I’m not going to tell anyone to “enjoy every minute,” but I AM going to moon over those squeezable, darling, parents-still-noting-the-age-in-months children. Now that our kids are both in elementary school the wistfulness has begun, but not the forgetting. All I have to do is remember the poop in the baby pool, and FORGET IT WE’RE GOOD.
So yesterday my kid pooped in the bath. I turned away for ONE MINUTE, STILL IN THE ROOM while I was brushing my hair. And by the time I glanced back she’d started punting it all around the tub–she’s going to be great at soccer, my husband says–and then we got to figure out how to simultaneously clean the baby, the baby-cleaning device (aka tub), and ourselves. When most of our cleaning products are still packed.
Oh I love this! Somehow in the midst of the chaos (and inevitable frustrations) of a 4yo, 2yo and 3mo I do still know this is true. My husband seems to get more bogged down in the frustrations of it all, though. Maybe because he spends such a small part of each day with them and isn’t accustomed to it? Anyway, I do feel that they are small for such a short time and it’s all so worth it. I’d love a fourth but I don’t love my chances convincing my husband!
With actual tears in my eyes, thank you for this. I’ve been wondering lately if it’s all downhill from here and, as much as I love my kid, it’s a bit depressing thinking that walking down the street holding a writhing, screaming bag of potatoes is the pinnacle of existence.
I read this while nursing my newborn, knowing my 3 year-old and 6 year-old are about to wake up and hit the ground running at any moment.
I feel pretty good and competent most days but definitely miss having time to just relax solo. It’s so fun but so exhausting (some days it feels like my entire life revolves around meal and snack prep and trying to get everyone into the car on time).
I’m counting the years until my oldest can legally baby-sit his little sisters for an hour while I run up the street to Target, alone (6 years to go!).
My mom has long maintained that parenting just gets better and better and that she really enjoyed the teen years. Your post makes me similarly excited for the future!
I wonder when parents forget and start with the cherish every moment nonsense? I still savor every time my kids do stuff for themselves, every time I can call home to tell whichever kids are home that I’m stuck at work and they need to do something to keep the day on track.
Mine are 6, 4 and 1. This is a very nice reminder. I already feel nostalgic when I see wee newborn babies, so I understand the phenomena, but still, a nice reminder. Especially, and maybe this is because all mine are boys, people seem to want to point out that eventually they won’t want anything to do with me AT ALL. That the future is nothing but disdainful, disinterested, food-pits, growing further and further adrift until they leave the nest and never return. I’m exaggerating, and I know some of this is true to a certain extent, but man, that is a weird way to extend comfort to a weary mom.
These years are golden! Yes, little ones are adorable but I LOVE THESE YEARS!
Exactly!!!
My youngest finishes preschool in a month and a half and I have been so weepy and sad and farklempt because I have so, so, so loved this stage of life.
But when my OLDEST finished preschool and her sister was three and her brother was one? No I didn’t. i just think I did. i really didn’t. God, it’s brutally hard when they’re that little, right? I just feel like they’re slipping thru my fingers and I’m going to wake up and they’re going to be GONE.