I am on a tear this morning, and I am sure it has nothing to do with two days of eating Easter candy until I was sick, then waiting until I didn’t feel sick anymore, then eating more Easter candy. But this morning I nearly damaged my precious shower radio in my eagerness to make a song stop. It was YET ANOTHER song talking about how perfect a woman is and how she should never change. And I do understand the intended sentiment, I do, and that it’s intended as a nice thing to say, and that we are not supposed to be getting the icky feeling that he seems to be appointing himself the decider of what she should and should not change, and/or that he seems to be assuming that he is 100% of the audience for her appearance and personality: like, if HE’S satisfied, that should be the end of the issue for her. Perhaps he means only that in his loving eyes she’s perfect as she is, meaning “perfect” only in the reasonable/colloquial sense of “really a good fit for what I like in a person, but with the understanding that I am talking about an imperfect human like myself and not some non-human creature held to supernatural standards,” and that she shouldn’t try to change for him, and that she’s great and shouldn’t tear herself down. And some people are not very smart and/or not very good communicators, and we ought to cut them some slack and hear their intention rather than trying to dive four layers deep into a one-layer message. BUT. It is hard to do that when he goes on to describe PHYSICAL attributes. These PHYSICAL FEATURES are perfect and should not be changed. That is not a good thing to hear, when ageing comes for us all and the changes are dramatic and inevitable.
Or here is another song on a similar theme, but maybe this time when he mentions perfection he is describing her personality rather than her body, or at least maybe there is room for that interpretation, not that anyone wants to have to live up on that kind of pedestal or worry about what will happen on the day he realizes she isn’t perfect. Oh wait, no: he says she LOOKS perfect. And then he goes on to say that he doesn’t deserve it, which at first could come across as humble but unfortunately indicates that he thinks a person CAN deserve physical perfection in a partner—that a physically attractive woman is something a man could be said to deserve. Maybe the singer doesn’t feel he himself deserves it, but he is indicating that a more deserving man would or could deserve it. Plus, he evidently DOES deserve it, since he has received it; he just doesn’t like to point that out himself. Humble.
Oh, here’s a nice song about how he is in love with her. No, never mind: he is in love with her BODY. I see. I guess the upside is that this singer REALIZES that’s the situation, instead of making himself look like an idiot by writing a whole “love song” and then having the contextual vocabulary-usage evidence (“deep in your love,” “love you all night long,” “just one taste of your love,” “pull me down hard and drown me in love”) show vividly and embarrassingly that he is talking about an entirely different sort of feeling, and that he may not in fact be aware of the difference. Sex songs are good too! Let’s have those! But let’s not act as if they’re love songs, and let’s show that we do know the difference, and let’s not make it seem as if we think the word “love” is the button you have to push to get sex.
Another song seems at first as if it’s talking about how wonderful the woman is, but then the man humbly asks himself an important question: “What did I do to deserve this?” There was definitely something. He did something amazing, or he is just so amazing himself, that he has been given the gift of a woman of his very own. That is his reward for being incredible. He doesn’t know which of his many wonderful acts or attributes resulted in this, but definitely there was something, because look: woman!
Another song has such a pretty tune but seems to have been written by someone who does not know any actual women, and has not yet found out that women are the same species as men. What does a woman taste like? He has no idea, but he’s guessing…sunshine, and strawberry bubble gum? The more times I hear the song, the more times I think he wrote it for his favorite page of the Victoria’s Secret catalog. He thinks women are ever-beautiful, ever-willing, strawberry-flavored.
In another song, a man sees a woman out with her boyfriend and tries to persuade her that she should be with him instead. He notices that she’s drinking wine instead of whiskey, and makes the assumption that this drink was what her boyfriend wanted her to drink; his point is that this shows her boyfriend doesn’t like her the way she is, but HE (the singer) does. How is “You should drink whiskey instead of wine” any better than “You should drink wine instead of whiskey,” and why is he assuming ANYONE is having ANY say over what she is choosing to drink??
In another song, a man gives the woman credit for “saving” him. (1) That sounds like a non-insignificant amount of work for the woman. (2) What is it she gets out of it, again? (3) If he goes back to his old ways, now we know it’s not really his fault: it means she failed to really save him.
There are so many songs! So many songs where “love” is used as a euphemism for a very different verb or noun or feeling. So many songs in which a woman is called “perfect” or an “angel” by a man who wants to “love” her. So many songs about how a man can live in such a way that he could be rewarded with a Woman Prize. So many songs praising a woman for staying with a man who has behaved badly. So many songs in which all/most of a woman’s cataloged positive qualities are appearance-based. So many songs in which the woman is the passenger in the man’s truck. Of course there are counter-examples, of COURSE there are, but still: courtship songs give the courted group a good overall picture of what the courters value and prefer; the resulting relentless stream of lyrics can be disheartening.
Amen, Swistle. My 11 year old daughter has found a trove of tween and early teen Canadian boy singers on YouTube warbeling about love and how he won’t cheat on her and she looks like a model and I have never been more rage-filled in my WHOLE LIFE. She loves these ridiculous songs. And I don’t know if I should launch into a rant about why they are the worst or just let her enjoy the little twerps and their catchy tunes. And then I reflect on myself at that age belting out Like a Virgin by Madonna and remembering my mother’s reaction to it. Boy, she sure hated that Madonna and her crucifix earrings. Enjoying the music didn’t do me any permanent damage, I guess.
Who would plan Easter for a few days before my period? And a spate of bad weather so that the kids are inside all the time and relentlessly making making a mess and constantly pecking at each other.
Thank you for this post. It not only mirrors how I feel about the breadth of pop love songs today (my daughter know I turn any song that’s a nasally young man telling you how he feels about a woman) and also the over all TONE of this matches my mood in a very satisfying way.
“Sometimes I really hate *everything*,” I say, looking up from the pile of jelly beans on a napkin in my opened desk drawer.
I’ve done my time with these nitwits, and I can’t take another second of it. I really can’t.
AMEN. HOLY GUACAMOLE.
You are so, SO good at encapsulating very specific rage-y reactions with which I identify.
I am ready to rant on this topic and have been for some time but surprisingly (?) my husband isn’t interested in listening to me rant on. The song that got me really thinking about this issue relatively recently is Treasure by Bruno Mars. Great beat, good melody, catchy. The lyrics, however, make me incredibly hostile because I know he thinks he’s saying something great but in fact he’s saying things that make me want to slap him in the face. For example, the lines “Pretty girl, pretty girl, pretty girl you should be smiling. A girl like you should never look so blue” Because she’s pretty she should smile all the time and can’t be sad? WTH, Bruno? She can feel any damn way she wants to feel no matter how she looks! ARGH.
In contrast, although I am not really a country/western fan, one of the gold standards of love songs that have lyrics I appreciate is Randy’ Travis’ Love You Forever in which he advises the object of his affection, among other things, “They say time take its toll on a body, makes a young girl’s brown hair turn gray. Well, honey, I don’t care, I ain’t in love with your hair and if it all fell out, well, I’d love you anyway.” I first heard it at 25 and didn’t appreciate the sentiment as much as I do now at 48…
OMG! I thought of the Randy Travis song too!
(My hostility to that Bruno Mars song is a low hum in my head, except on occasions such as the Grammys when I share it with my family in an impromptu meditation on Why Bruno Mars Shouldn’t Get Any Awards Until He Renounces Certain Past Transgressions)
Me too, on Randy Travis, and Love You Forever. I even thought of that line. My favorite country song, introduced to me by my husband a long long time ago, at the ripe old age of 19.
Yes! I’m also not a c&w fan at all, but this song is my all-time favorite song-in-the-key-of-love!
Jesus H., Bruno Mars wrote a song telling a woman to SMILE? Hulk. Smash.
I feel that way about most of Bruno Mars’ music, TBH. Catchy and fun but did you listen to what he’s saying?!?
Ugh, +1. Jill Soloway had an excellent TFF speech, linked here as queued up to the section talking about her childhood memories of male gaze in music: https://youtu.be/pnBvppooD9I?t=1736 If you have an hour, the whole speech is worth a watch.
BURN IT ALLLLL FUCKING DOWN.
THANK YOU!
PREACH!
My constant refrain as I wearily change from one objectifying/misogynistic song to the next is “grow up” – real, healthy, mature adults don’t reduce their partner to an object, and then loudly proclaim the extent to which they are unable to exist without said object. That’s what two year olds say about their teddy bears. Real, healthy, mature adult love is not possession, nor is it worship, nor is it obsession. Real, healthy, mature adult love is not a game nor is it a performance.
Yep. Also, I only bought Easter chocolate for the kids. What the eff was I thinking?
That stupid Ed Sheehan “Perfect” song is a total rip off of Eric Clapton’s “Wonderful Tonight” which is a LOVELY sentiment. You look WONDERFUL is so much less value-laden, it covers a multitude of things, if someone told me I looked wonderful it would make me feel wonderful. Plus the Clapton song goes on to talk about feeling wonderful, it’s not just about looks. Perfect is stupid and pressure-y and just a dumb cop out. (I am not a big Ed Sheeran fan ha ha did you notice??)
(thought I must admit the Beyonce duet is an improvement over the original)
That Clapton song is dope. I first heard it as a teen and still love it. Even back then with limited English proficiency it was clear how positive and adoring it is.
ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS. This combined with two daughters who only want to hear female singers, which means scanning radio station after radio station to find a female sung song in the car, because apparently they are a rare breed (dear radio stations: they are not a rare breed, play more women singers) and I just want to burn it all down.
Yes! I was just experiencing this yesterday with my daughter on the way back from the orthodontist. 6 presets, ALL guys singing at the same time. COME ON.
YES YES YES
honestly I have been VERY burn it all down lately and this kind of bullshit is part of why (I think what really pushed me over the edge was the Kevin Williamson hire at the Atlantic, because its so great to give air time to a man who WANTS TO HANG WOMEN WHO’VE HAD ABORTIONS).
it’s super disheartening and I dont understand why they hate us so much and just BURN IT DOWN.
I love this post SO MUCH and I may love the comments even more. SWISTLERS UNITE (…in our rage against seemingly innocuous but THEY ARE NOT IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT offenses)!
I hear you! Particularly about the Ed Sheeran one. I mean, is she supposed to be thrilled that he’s in love just with her body? That’s…not cool. Also, have you noticed (and I’ll apologize in advance for this one because once you start noticing you can’t STOP) how many songs have a creepy stalker vibe if you listen to them as if from the perspective of someone who isn’t already in love with the singer. It’s pretty much half of pop songs, I’m afraid. Yikes!
YES. This reminds me of the fact that I got MULTIPLE mix tapes in high school from boyfriends that included that horrid “More Than Words” song by Extreme that is basically saying “stop telling me you love and just put out already”. This is not romantic.
Also, can we add the song with the lyrics “I don’t care who you are, where you’re from, don’t care what you did, as long as you love me…” Um, okay, Backstreet Boys. Thanks for taking such an active interest in my life.
Last week I heard a song on the radio that opened with the line “everybody knows she’s a perfect ten,” and it might as well have been Trump singing, I felt so immediately angry.
TODAY in the car I heard “Desire” by U2, which I haven’t heard in a long time. Those lyrics are better lyrics (possibly because they’re about ambition and not a woman’s butt.).
Trump singing. I don’t even know what my reaction would be if that ever occurred, but even the words are making me cringe/laugh/recoil. Trump singing! Heaven help us.
I know that a lot of people find it perfectly acceptable to call grown loved ones baby, but for me it is soooo cringy and infantalizing when any song that refers to a grown man or woman as “baby.” I can feed and dress myself, thanks!
I like to play a mental game where I sound a buzzer when lyrics get too overly misogynistic. For example, there’s a McFly song about throwing a party when your parents are away, and it goes ‘We’ve got every girl in school in the deep end of the pool, if you want to take a dip bring your trunks’ – fine, why not! But then, ‘When we start to dim the lights, gotta find a girl you like, and you’d better hope she’s already drunk’ – BZZZZZTT. Or Dance With Me Tonight by Olly Murs has the line ‘I won’t give up without a fight’ – BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZTTT. If she’s not interested, let her go, Olly!
I love this. And I love every comment. I get so annoyed listening to terrible lyrics that I yell at the radio.
I think this may be my favorite post of yours, ever, which is saying quite a lot because you have many, many stellar posts.
“(1) That sounds like a non-insignificant amount of work for the woman. (2) What is it she gets out of it, again?”
SO FUNNY because SO TRUE.
THIS POST AND ITS COMMENTS ARE EVERYTHING.
THANK YOU.
Also, every time i try to talk to a male person about this, the standard response is “oh but who cares, i don’t listen to the lyrics anyway.” AHHHH.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT PAUL SAYS
There is a country song – Dallas Smith “I’ll Change Your Autograph” that makes me a dangerous driver in my furious rage to turn it off. Are there any females, any at all, on the team that approves these horrendous lyrics as suitable for airplay?
I love this post and the comments are gold. A+++++
This post is the best thing ever.