If your candidate won this election, I am sorry to say this is another post written for the benefit of those who didn’t want him to win. I really do feel so grateful to you for your patience. I know from being on the winning side of other issues that it can be very difficult to let the losers be so vocally disappointed. It is valuable, kind work you are doing when you clench your teeth and let it happen, and it speeds the recovery process, and it makes you look gracious and mature as heck.
For those of us who did not get the candidate we wanted: If you are not feeling better yet, and not feeling ready to get up and start taking action, that is okay. It hasn’t even been a week, and this was a huge blow, and the results are ongoing into the future. I picture a lot of us dragging ourselves across the floor, leaving streaks of blood behind us. There’s nothing wrong with you if you’re not over it yet, considering it’s nowhere near done happening.
If you are starting to feel better, that’s okay too. Resiliency is one of the very best things about humans. Those suckers just keep getting up.
If you feel alternately better and worse, and also anxious that it’s wrong/inappropriate to start to feel better, and also you are wondering if you should be even more worried than you are, meet my hand in the air.
It’s so encouraging to see how many people have the immediate instinct to HELP and DO GOOD. I’m seeing so much talk about donations and volunteering. I hope you won’t feel pressured to help and do good in the same way another person is doing it; different people have different strengths, abilities, and resources. I am COMPLETELY IGNORING everything saying that I MUST make phone calls, because I am just 100% not going to do that. Let’s put the PHONE-CALL PEOPLE on phone calls. I will write letters, and I will write checks, and I will do other things that make sense for me to do, and I hope when you are ready you will do the things that make sense for YOU to do. You can find your own things from among the things other people suggest; you don’t have to do all the things yourself.
Thank you for always being a voice of reasonableness in our little corner of the digital world. You do good through your voice.
The waves are wild – vacillating between Action! And Strength! and moments of deep grief and fear. And feeling guilty for doing something frivolous or laughing, and reading the paper again, cautiously, only to throw it down in terror.
The positivity and action I am reading about is getting me through though, thanks!
This! Exactly! This weekend I found I had to feel better or I’d be sick, so our family went bowling, and I made peanut-butter-butterscotch cookies and chicken stew, and I read three books, and my daughter had a nice friend over, and I played rummy with my son. And now I do feel a little better.
This week I am singing in a concert and going to my book group, but I am also going to a volunteer meeting of a Peace and Justice League for my city (I’ve only ever been once before), attending a peaceful demonstration at my university (not a protest, it’s in support of marginalized students), and going to a Stronger Together potluck. And writing a check or two.
Peace to you all.
I would even make phone calls (yes, me, making phone calls, which I do essentially if it is a matter of life or death, because sometimes it is, in politics) if my elected representatives were rumored to be about to vote in a way I do not support. But the problem is that they generally do vote the way I want them to. It’s other people’s representatives who don’t.
One of the most mortifying parts of this election is that white folks handed Trump the win. It’s like a political horror movie: The phone call was coming from inside my demographic.
PS Please no one suggest I wear a safety pin. If you’ve got a good rec for a Black Lives Matter button, please advise.
Not at all suggesting anyone wear a safety pin if they don’t want to — and if you wear it without acting, of course it’s silly — but I have had several of my university students tell me they’re glad I’m wearing one.
peacebuttons.info seems to have BLM buttons as well as several other good options (like “Refugees Welcome” etc.)
Thanks!
I’m going to guess that you’d probably prefer the cleaned up version. I think I might just a Black Lives Matter pin. I feel like that tells you clearly and concisely where I stand. This election is trying to kill me.
https://www.etsy.com/listing/491609333/i-will-do-my-best-to-fck-up-any-bigot?ref=shop_home_active_2
Thanks, as always, Swistle for your reasonable approach and thoughtful writing.
If anyone out there in blogland wants to do something basically apolitical but somehow helpful feeling (and fun) to try to bring our disagreeing country together, I started a little post-election project: Be an American Pen Pal. If you live in the US I’d love it if you’d consider participating. I’m in California so I have lots of California pen pals signed up but it’s only fun if folks get to be pen pals with someone who lives somewhere else!
Link below in profile or Americanpenpals.com (with apologies for the dorky site–I made it very late at night)
(fine print: Kids and grown ups are welcome to participate–kids will only be matched with other kids. Only commitment is sending a single letter to your pen pal. This isn’t sponsored or anything, just for fun. Must live in the USA but no need to be a citizen to participate)
Hope this is okay to post in your comments! I’m never clear on self promotion blog etiquette but I thought some readers might enjoy this.
I’m a member of Postcrossing, which I know Swistle also is. It is international, and what I have always felt so comforting, no matter what country we are from, we are so similar. We love our families, our homes, our pets-and we reach out to each other and share tidbits of our lives. We try to find postcards the other person might like-and that feels to me, like goodness in this world. I will definitely check out the American penpal site!
Yes, I’m not involved in post crossing but thought about that knowing swistle was involved so thought she (or her readers) might be interested :)
I am meeting your hand in the air. So glad you will be writing the checks, because things are downright pinchy here. However, I will make *all* the phone calls.
Hand in the air over here too! My instinct at this point is to never turn on the TV or watch the news and totally stick my head in the sand. However, history tells me that this is a bad idea. These are actionable ideas… Now we just have to have the attention span to pay attention and act for the entire presidency. Not human beings’ strong point of they are not personally being oppressed…
Thank you, Swis. You always know just what to say.
I want to take action, and I will. I just can’t yet. Let me lie here a little bit longer.
I’m in Canada, but my husband and family are American, so this was a tough one. Most of what’s online about what to do next is (obviously and rightly) directed at Americans. But what can we do, your northern neighbours? I decided to donate to a charity that supports Syrian refugees and focus my efforts on making those feel welcome whom the President-Elect may not. Plus we must be ever vigilant, as Canada is no Nirvana, and we’ve got plenty of problems too.
High five! I donated to Planned Parenthood today, in honor of Gov. Mike Pence. It felt good. Drops in the bucket, right?
I’ve heard of people donating in honor of Mike Pence, and I LOVE this. Will also be donating to immigration-related charities in honor of Trump
I am feeling sadder and more hopeless and weepy than I felt after either of my divorces, so I’m not sure what to make of that. Being around other people has so far made it worse, since I feel I no longer know who to trust (I cried at a party this weekend). I’m pretty angry and emotionally reactive, and therefore not yet ready for the action stage. I worry I could easily take an inappropriate action, like quitting my job, which involves making sure old white guys stay rich. I am terrified I will snap and alienate someone at work, someone I’m friends with, or someone in my family.
So. Just another data point, in case anyone else feels they are “doing it wrong.” xx
I told a friend that I felt like I was always fighting with imaginary people in my head, and she said, “I wake up fighting!” I don’t feel as sad as I did after my one massive breakup that left me broken-hearted for months, but I do have that same issue where you wake up and for one second everything is ok, and then you remember, nope, it is not, nevermind. I am an independent contractor in the middle of my busiest stretch and I CANNOT focus on work. Admittedly, I am often unfocused, but this is worse. This is removing all distractions and still staring off into space thinking angry or sad or scared thoughts, scribbling some of them down, trying to get back to work, and ending up staring into space again. So, also “doing it wrong” here.
I went to the large protest in Los Angeles this weekend and it was so uplifting to see so many different types of people peacefully protesting every issue you could think of (immigration, women’s rights, Black Lives Matter, religious freedom etc.). Even though there were police in riot gear on the sidelines, which sounds menacing, the protesters shook their hands, cheered for them, walked up and thanked them. Thousands of voices shouted slogans and said the Pledge of Allegiance. There were so many young women there (it seemed like at least 1/3 of the crowd was women in their 20’s) and young people in general, children on their parents shoulders and in strollers waving tiny American flags . It gave me a real hope for the future.
When I came home though I felt so sad and terrible all over again. Part of that was because I walked for 3 hours straight in 85 degree heat, holding a sign over my head. It’s exhausting to protest!
You are so right that all this up and down is takes its toll. Thank you for providing a place to vent and commiserate and thank you to your readers who are on the winning side for allowing this space. The comments section on your blog has always been made up of a generous, kind and sensible bunch which reflects your writing and values.
This was a very helpful comment!
It’s a tough balance (for me at least) to stay aware and active without dissolving into anxiety so severe I cannot parent my children. I have struggled with this all week. For me the answer is turning off the news and avoiding internet comment sections (with key exceptions of course :) like the plague. I know what is wrong and reading more about it just paralyzes me. I live in Canada and if another person tells me this isn’t a big deal or representative of issues in our country I will literally scream. If you can’t see the problem you are the problem buddy! Anyway, picking myself up through donations, and political and charitable actions. I’m embarassed now to say that I thought my vote and trying my best to be a kind person and raise kind kids was doing enough. No more.
I am also in Canada and I have had it with Canadians looking down their noses on the results of the US election. As if WE would NEVER elect a populist, egomaniacal, rich, impetuous, bigot. Um. Rob Ford. “We” did in because we love our cars and wanted to “stop the gravy train.”
Note for those who hate this analogy: I am talking about the rise of Rob Ford, not the fall. I know some people associate Rob Ford only with crack, but that was after he was already in power.
You are being very kind, and as a US citizen, I do appreciate it! I am acutely aware how nervous other countries must feel right now.
Oh that’s interesting, because Rob Ford is exactly the person I thought of as analogous to Trump as well (also not the crack-smoking part; his platform and what got him elected, plus the fact that I don’t really relate to the values he represented).
I went to dinner with my younger sister on her birthday, last Friday, and lost it a little bit because she insisted we could not expect people (read: some members of our family) who had voted R all their lives to suddenly not. I disagreed and, well, it’s a good thing the restaurant was loud. I know I was arguing with the wrong person. But I’m tired of being too considerate and saying nothing or being a nice little midwesterner about disagreeing. I’m done being quiet but I don’t know yet what to DO. I wish I had more money because I’d probably run for a state office of some sort.
You might consider running for school board. We need to start from the bottom up if we hope to see positive outcomes.
This! Yes! “Lift where you stand”, so to speak. Any good we can do in our homes and communities are drops IN. That goes for both sides, really, but I really, really like this idea.
And also, if you have no particular political ambitions, serving in a local position without worrying whether your actions will limit your future political career gives you much more freedom to follow your conscience. (Says the woman who is pretty disillusioned with the strivers in her local government.)
I think it’s not very nice to donate “in honor” of someone to am organization that goes against their beliefs. What happened to “agree to disagree” about an issue? How would you like it if someone made a donation to the klu Klux Klan in your honor? If you want to make a donation to PP by all means do so. But keep the insulting “honor” out if it.
I think that as a private citizens, it’s poor form. However, an elected official must represent all of their constituents, and this is one way of sending a message to said official.
So, this is a little passive aggressive… but you can always make your Planned Parenthood donation in someone else’s name (i.e. Mike Pence). I read online that people are doing this and he’s getting all of the certificates at his office. It’s not exactly a world changing act but it might be satisfying.
Yes, they send him a notification that you’ve made a donation in his name. Very, very satisfying. His policing of my reproductive system is much more offensive than my making a donation to PP in his honor, I do believe.
My representatives are Chuck Grassley, Steve King, and Joni Ernst and I feel completely helpless. Living in one of 5 tiny blue dots in a red, red state. I’ve already gotten the “there there, little lady” and head pats from King’s office when I contacted them. Feeling pretty dismal so far.
Keep calling. the pressure on them matters.
Thank you, Swistle, for those wise and kind words. I have been in a cocoon for the past week. I haven’t watched or read any news since last Tuesday. Just today I posted something on Instagram. Thanks for validating my feelings.
I’ve been doing my best not to despair. I avoided the news until this weekend. I’ve focused on my faith. I’ve not engaged in political conversations w anyone aside my husband thus far and even then I need breaks.
It is hard not to feel helpless. It is hard not look around at others and wonder if they’re not passive racist. I’m overwhelmed that half of the country has said his rhetoric is ok. His ignorance is ok. His attitude and treatment of others is ok.
How is it that you always manage to find the reasonable, sane thing to say? I’ve been feeling horribly guilty and panicked at the thought of figuring out how to go to town-hall meetings and Planned Parenthood action groups and other in-person groups that meet at night, when I don’t have childcare.
Thank you for reminding me that I don’t have to do EVERYthing, I just have to do SOMEthing. I am a phone-call person and I will make phone calls; I am a check-writing person and I will write checks. I also proved to myself recently that I am a protest march person, and I will go to more protest marches.
I truly did not think of this myself and reading what you wrote made me teary with relief. You are a voice of reason and a freaking national treasure, and please tell your family I said so because they should know it and always listen to you. :)
Another Canadian meeting your hand in the air. We are having family discussions/planning sessions on doing more good in 4 key areas: environment, inter-faith friendship, refugees, women’s rights. Some areas we are already quite active in but we want to make a real, practical effort to do more over the next 4 years.
I alternate between crying, reading piles of news, feeling slightly better, & moaning with friends. So vital for everyone to remind themselves that whatever stage they are in is okay…
And yes, we have a looming far right movement in Canada that we need to be vigilant about (Kelly Leitch et al.)
Thank you for your kind, reasonable voice. You are a force for good, Swistle.
Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. MLK
“Those suckers just keep getting up” – favourite part. Also not a phone call person. I feel like I’m patting all my American friends ineffectually on the back right now, although it’s too freaking right to say that Canada isn’t perfect or safe from any of this.
I keep waking up somewhere between 3 and 4 a.m. every day and having fresh anxiety about the situation and what’s going to happen. I have stopped watching the news, am barely on twitter, and don’t go on internet news sites. I don’t plan to keep this up because I can’t bury my head in the sand, but I feel like I have to try to protect my sanity. Things are compounded by the fact that due to my job, I am not allowed to engage in political action – no phone banking, no petitioning, no donations to political organizations. I’ve had this job for 20 years and had made peace with that aspect of it until now and now I resent it like hell and I am struggling. Think I will pressure my husband to do more since that might help me feel better ;-)
Maggie, I am sorry. I have also not slept well for weeks. I wake every day in a panic about this. I hope this is not my new normal. Sending good thoughts for good sleep your way. Internet stranger solidarity.
Just want to chime in that I, too, have not slept well for a few weeks, and it really is about this election.
I wrote my representatives (none of which are Democrats – sad times for me) with reminders that they represent me and I will be closely watching their voting. I am working up the nerve to make phone calls as well with a special call to Paul Ryan. Grrrr. And, my sister and I bought plane tickets to DC to protest Trump’s first day in office (slightly terrifying). I live in a very small town and I think I can make it into a front page story for our little newspaper if I go about it correctly. Action is helping, last week was awful and my kids suffered. I’m back on track this week.
Way to go Ess!
I volunteered at a local food pantry this weekend, and while it did nothing to solve the immediate problem, it felt good to be productive, positive and take care of people already on the brink. Also, I decided all gifts this year will be in the form in donations to causes that will help ALL of us.
Hand’s up over here. Checks written, I’m a phone call person, so did that. Sent follow up emails. Tried to spread the word. Even though I live in a blue state with Democratic senators and I’m not sure how effective it will be. I live in a red county, and have Republican in-laws, though. So, it’s a little rough right now to be online, or out and about.
The most effective thing I’ve done to heal so far came from my husband. He accidentally poked himself in a sensitive area and after ascertaining that it was a writhing for a few minutes injury, but he was not truly hurt. I. Laughed. So. Hard.
Love is a beautiful thing.
I got a little flash of joy imagining this, so thank you, and thank your husband. His sacrifice matters.
Gladly. It still makes me smile when I think about it myself. He’s a noble person.
Today I made pie, and that was surprisingly comforting too. Usually, I think of pie as a complex organism and I don’t really enjoy making them. But, today it was just the right mix of complexity to distract me completely, and familiar.
Thanks for continuing to host us here, Swistle!
So I’ve been thinking a lot about London during the Blitz of WWII. If they could “keep calm and carry on” with bombs falling every night, with loved ones fighting for freedom, and no guarantee that anything will be OK, I can surely get myself together.
It is encouraging how many people are looking to do good after this election. I know for myself, I really want to stop nickel and dime-ing charities, and devote myself to something I am passionate about.
I also wanted to say, to people who are happy about the outcome, I truly appreciate your kindness in not posting triumphant comments. You must be very excited, but you are sensitive enough to know others may not feel that way. That shows real empathy.
I am having trouble just keeping my brain focused on the usual things I need to do, including work. My birthday is coming up, the holidays are coming up, I feel so scattered. I keeping wanting to do something useful in terms of political action, but I’m so stressed out already. And I want to send money to all sorts of places, but our funds are limited, so I’m trying to figure out how best to divide them, and as with everything else, instead I just feel paralyzed.
One bright spot for me was that at church on Sunday, our minister switched out his planned sermon for one about love. And I went in pretty worried, because I was afraid it would be some sort of lecture on how now is the time for healing and coming together and I just was not in the mood for hearing that. It feels ridiculous to go through the “good game” line giving dispirited but gracious high fives when this is not a game to so many people who anticipate real suffering. Instead, he talked about how the church and its long tradition is full of people who were called to love others and through that love to fight. And he listed a bunch of historical figures with very recognizable names who fought for various rights, people that I had no idea were members of this faith. We only started going to church this summer, and being a not very religious and not very social or community oriented person, I was feeling some trepidation about whether it was a good idea to put my toe in this particular pool. It was so, so nice to show up and feel like I made a really good choice both for myself and the family. And I think it will inspire me to more action, as well as make it easier to take action, because I’m in a community that is helping me find avenues to do so, rather than having to come up with stuff to do all by myself.
Finally, for those who, like me, tend to avoid all media as much as possible just because it is making us feel worse, John Oliver pointed out that (a) now is a good time to support media outlets that are actually doing good journalism, for example, by getting a subscription to a print newspaper or donating money to organizations like Pro Publica, and (b) that we need to keep reminding ourselves that what is happening should not start to feel normal. I have been trying so hard to avoid the bad feelings, and I suspect I will continue to do so for another few weeks, or maybe even until after the holidays. But I have a bad habit of just changing the station or turning the TV off or avoiding FB or whatever when I’m afraid the news will upset me. But I’m starting feel like a good New Year’s resolution for me might be trying to learn to manage my emotions better when I’m hearing things that make me clench up or want to bury my head in the sand. Like immunotherapy for allergies, only I’ll be giving myself minuscule doses of news that upsets me so that eventually my automatic reaction will not be rage or despair but something more calm and accepting of what actually is, because for me, I know I’ll only be able to take productive action if it’s coming from a calmer place than the one I’m in now.
I really like your thoughts in your last paragraph, about news coverage. I tend to do the same thing, turn the channel with news that is upsetting to me. I have noticed that BBC News seems to have a balanced approach-that might be the place I should go to for my news. I also need to stop being so reactive emotionally, and focus on what I can do to support my causes.
Reminder that 2017 is an election year in Virginia. The Governor, Lieutenant Governor, Attorney General, and the entire House of Delegates is up for grabs.
In Virginia, the Governor can only serve one term, so that’s an empty seat. If you can, help get Ralph Northam elected. Our terrific Attorney General, Mark Herring, is running for re-election. Please help him too.
I’m in Virginia! And am fairly new here so I did not know that McAuliffe was limited to one term. Thanks for this!
I’m struggling. I’ve donated, Am buying a NY Times subscription. I will find ways to peacefully resist. trying to focus on raising kind, empathetic kids. But I’m not sure how to function. My sister voted Trump and every time I talk to her (since she told me her plan over the summer) I keep thinking about how she didn’t just think he was OK but actively supported him. how can I be her friend when we have such a different view on what for me are moral issues? I thought the outcome would be different and that would help me get over her, um, lapse in judgement (I want to say worse things). I think less of her and I am sad about that. Sad I can’t get over it, but maybe I shouldn’t get over it.
I have found that news has been a little soothing – just a little confirms my belief that Trump doesn’t understand how government works and may not be able to accomplish his goals.
I am reading posttrump.help. This is not a joke site and it’s not intended to “build bridges” with Trump supporters, it’s meant to help some of the post-election trauma and to lead toward action. It’s for people who are despairing and angry. It’s written by Moxie, from Ask Moxie, if any of you are familiar with her. I’m finding it really helpful.
The. Best. Link.
Thank you
(What I should have said earlier.) For a while now, I’ve been volunteering with Planned Parenthood, and recommend it highly to anyone wanting to get involved without opening a checkbook! I believe every city with active PP locations welcomes this–you get trained (it’s easy and brief), and then you’re invited to volunteer pretty much whenever you want to physically escort women coming to exercise their reproductive freedom so they can get inside the building without being bombarded by anti-choice protesters.
It’s not for the faint of heart, but it requires less than some other forms of support. You pay nothing, and you have to say very little; you give only your time and others get to borrow your emotional strength. PP is going to need people dedicated to keeping its doors open and its services accessible.
But yeah, nearly all of us are out of our depths here, and I wholeheartedly agree that it’s normal to feel discouraged and paralyzed for a while. I can’t wait to see what sort of impact we’ll have once we get our bearings.
After a good night’s sleep, I wanted to add for clarity that this is mostly done not through PP itself, but community organizations that partner with PP. Which makes it a lot easier on those who might be a little nervous about the alternative (for professional or social reasons).
There are so many stories about the rise in hate crimes that I want to speak out when I hear of people standing up against hate. A woman I know was flying home from a business trip earlier this week. Before taking off, two men on the plane started harassing a woman wearing a hajib. As the situation escalated, one of the stewardesses approached the men and said the airlines doesn’t condone that kind of behavior and she removed them from the flight. The entire plane started to clap as the men who escorted off.
“That disappointment is beautiful. It’s beautiful because it means that apathy isn’t winning.
That disappointment is beautiful because it means that despite our disagreements, hoards of people still care about their children and their neighbors and absolutely anyone who might be vulnerable in this system.” –Eli McCann
This is unbearable.
A few resources: call congress, if you can. call Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell even if you aren’t in their districts and demand they refuse to work with the transition team until he gets rid of the white supremacist Steve Bannon. Call your own reps in the House and Senate and either demand they release a strongly worded statement or thank them for doing so and encourage them to continue fighting. Please call the House Oversight Committee (202-225-5074) to support the call for a bipartisan review of Trump’s financials and apparent conflicts of interest. It takes two minutes, and the woman on the phone said that they are absolutely tallying calls – the more they get, the more likely the Committee is to demand ALL of Trump’s financial information.
If you have money to give, the ACLU, SPLC, Planned Parenthood, Anti-Defamation League, NAACP Legal Defense Fund…
For the phone-phobic, I found a work-around to call Paul Ryan. You can call a recorded survey to tell that you support the Affordable Care Act (Obamacare). Call 202-225-3031. You will barely hear a ring, then you’ll hear 30 seconds of silence. A recording starts up, and gives choices. You hit 2 for the ACA. Then you listen to a very biased message about how bad ACA is. Finally, they ask you to answer whether you support ACA (1 for yes, 2 for no). That’s it! I feel smug satisfaction typing that I support it after listening to all that baloney on the recording.
Does anyone know of any “call your representatives” online accountability group? I plan to call mine at least monthly (or more- I’m sure this next for years will be full of policy horrors). Sometimes its easier to do something when I know others plan to as well. I want to make it a habit.