This is a good day for catching up on laundry, doing the weekly grocery shop, and filling the cars up with gas. Just a nice productive Monday, no different than any other.
You know how there are things that you learn when you’re a kid, but REALLY LEARN as an adult? Like, I learned to wash my hands when I was a child, but I didn’t REALLY LEARN to wash them until I was an adult and it mattered to me to get the germs off. I learned to brush and floss my teeth when I was a child, but I didn’t REALLY LEARN to brush/floss them until I was 22 years old and making $5.80/hour and had four giant cavities I had to pay to fill. I learned to do just-in-case shopping before a storm when I DIDN’T do so and then was snowed in with the resulting toddler.
There is also a batch of things I learned when I had to teach them to the kids, and one of those things is the embarrassingly dorky concept of good sportsmanship. I didn’t play sports much as a child (other than a brief bench-sitting time on the Little Christian School soccer team, for which I had to wear below-the-knee culottes so I wouldn’t be too provocative in my soccer uniform), and I don’t remember the concept coming up much otherwise. Teaching it to the kids, combined with seeing vivid negative examples from adults who haven’t yet learned/incorporated it, has been very instructive.
Now possibly you played a lot of sports as a child or figured this all out long ago and so this is like Being a Human Being 101 for you, but for me it was kind of mind-blowing to realize that good sportsmanship is for the WINNER as well as for the LOSER. And in fact, in some sense it is MORE for the winner. The loser must be polite and must accept the outcome graciously: no public tantrums, no “IT’S NOT FAIR!!,” no violently overturning the game board all over the floor. But the winner has an even greater burden, because the winner is the HAPPY one in this situation. The winner must be polite too, and must accept the outcome graciously: no public gloating, no mocking, no butt-waggling. AND ALSO the winner must be especially gracious in the face of any slippage in sportsmanship from the loser, because the loser is the one who is suffering and the winner is the one who is feeling GREAT. Overcoming the feelings that go along with defeat is hard, it’s really HARD, and overcoming the feelings that go along with victory is…not all that hard, because the winner is happy instead of miserable. The winners know this down to their elemental beings because the winners have all been losers at one time or another, and so have had a chance to compare attitudes.
It’s so common and human to attempt to be a good sport and to FAIL, or to forget to try, or to be too upset and unhappy to try immediately, or to stumble a bit before finding solid footing. Even someone who is trying hard to be a gracious loser may need a little time to adjust. Even someone who is trying to accept defeat may need to go through a few other stages first in order to get to that acceptance. And during that time, it is not helpful to have the winners waggling their butts and saying “WE are the WINners and YOU are the LOSErs, WE are the WINners and YOU are the LOSErs, how does it feel to LOSE, LOSERS??? YOU DESERVED IT!! LOSERS!!”
The winners of COURSE may celebrate their win, but it would be considerate of them to keep in mind the people who are feeling super sucky at that moment. It isn’t as if the winners must shut themselves in their bedrooms and scream “YAYYYYYY!!!” into their pillows to muffle their joy, but it is good sportsmanship to avoid crossing the line between rejoicing and gloating. Are you waggling your butt, either physically or symbolically? Then you are gloating.
In the case of a political election, it’s useful for both winners and losers to think to themselves, “How would I be feeling right now if my candidate had lost/won instead of won/lost, and how would I want the other side to be behaving about it?” Winners may feel as if they’re just rejoicing, until they imagine their uncles who belong to the other party behaving the same way and realize it would seem like grossly unsportsmanlike nyah-nyah-the-best-candidate-won gloating. Losers may not realize their expressions of disappointment have crossed over into unsportsmanlike behavior, until they imagine the other political party making similar remarks in the face of a loss.
Again: it is the winners, I think, who have the greater responsibility to keep the situation civil and pleasant. Both sides will stumble in their quest for good sportsmanship following an event, but the stumbles of the losers should elicit more feelings of mercy, and be more politely overlooked as temporary and understandable lapses in the face of great disappointment. The winners and losers will BOTH have to bite their tongues hard to deal with the stumbles of the other side, but the winners can distract themselves with a reverie about the happiness of the recent win, while the losers have no such comfort.
Swistle – you are brilliant. That is all.
(a neighbour to the north watching with rapt attention…)
Honestly, this election? There will be no elation and rejoicing for me, no matter the outcome. This has been a horrible, divisive year that has brought out the worst in too many. No matter what happens tomorrow, we have serious problems and an enormous divide, and the end of the election isn’t going to magically end that. Neither candidate turned president-elect has a magic wand that will fix this or create bi-partisanship. If the candidate I voted for wins, I will sigh in relief and maybe go to sleep a bit easier. Maybe.
I hope to waggle my butt in the privacy of my own home, in the company of people who share my feelings. Then I hope to emerge and work toward a kind and compassionate day, starting with that magic wand Cara talked about, that will stop my children bickering.
Forget the election, I feel the need to bookmark this for lessons in good parenting. “This is how you explain sportsmanship, Peyton.”
My father tried valiantly to teach us the rule “win as though you’re used to it and lose as though you liked it,” which works a bit better in sports than in politics, but it still does work. It was not an easy lesson to truly comprehend as a child, even with prompting “did you just get to play a game you like to play? That was fun, right?” As an adult however, I understand it, and it really helps one be the good sport one wants to be.
I love both the rule and the prompting question, even for other (non-game) related moments in life.
I hope it would not be considered poor sportsmanship if I weep in despair for my child’s future if the candidate who wants to dismantle all environmental regulations and drive the planet toward being uninhabitable for our species as fast as possible is elected.
I promise not to rub it in anyone else’s face if instead the more positive candidate wins.
Very well said. This is a concept I’m trying very hard to teach my 8yo lately, who has a soccer teammate who is quite a bit of a showboat. For instance, if this teammate scores a goal she immediately starts running down the field in a victory lap, arms outstretched, shrieking all the while. This is akin to butt-waggling, and it is not acceptable behavior. But it’s a hard concept for kids, I think. Winning is exciting! Why are we playing if not to win?!
And judging from all the talk of rigged elections and whatnot, good sportsmanship is a very difficult concept for some “adults” as well. Sigh. One more day!
Can we just post this all over the internet before tomorrow? This election has been frustrating and disappointing at times for both sides, and while the outcome (either way), like Cara said, will not bring elation for me personally, I am most definitely not looking forward to the aftermath of tantrums and butt-waggles.
Well said. May it be so, regardless of the outcome.
Just have to tell you, right now I am happily watching Holiday Baking Championship that I DVRed so that I can fast forward over any ads. It makes me feel so warm and festive and it’s taking me to a place that’s at least a month past tomorrow’s drama, even though it’s way too early to think Christmas. I hope that I will be able to breathe easier after tomorrow and focus on family, festivities and food! Keep your posts coming, because they also bring me to the warm and happy place!
I gassed up my car after reading this even though I live in a place where there isn’t even a whisper of unrest. It’s just a perfectly normal errand, is all.
I want to throw a little tantrum. But in about an hour I have to wake my 8 year old and tell him that even though we elected a yahoo, everything is going to be alright.
Oh Swistle. I just want to say I loved the picture of you and your daughter, and I love the little community you have here. We will get through this somehow.
Does it count as a tantrum if I cry all day in the privacy of my home?
What about despair? Where does that fit in? Because I am feeling hollow and afraid for the future. I’m too beat for a tantrum.
Can I just cry all day in my office? Does that count as a tantrum?
I am despairing and physically ill, but no tantrums…
Family member butt waggled on Facebook today. Very disappointing.
Solidarity. I hid about 30 butt wagglers.
I want to vote my familial butt waggers off the island…
Swistle, another website I like to go to posted links to self care in this time of many people’s need. Or solicit commenters opinions what helps them to feel better when the world seems to be going to hell in a handbasket. Maybe people could share things like that. I myself had a thought in the shower this morning, that I need to focus my energies on a charity that will make our world a better place. I do give to charity, but I don’t focus all my energies on one thing. Like teaching ESL, which I did do years ago, and focus on supporting Planned Parenthood. Preferably something that the orange person who was elected last night, would disapprove of. I need to do my part to make this world a better place, in a more concrete way.
Could you please share the link to the post about self care? :)
I tried to post this link a few days ago, but it might have gotten caught in a spam filter, since there is a swear word in the link. So, I’ll try this! I love this site, it has passionate readers, and is all about empowering women.
http://smartb*tchestrashybooks.com/2016/11/links-self-care-self-care-self-care/
Of course the link won’t work because of the asterisk, but if you add the one letter you get the idea :)
Thank you so much!!!
I had the same thought! Self-care for me will be yoga or another workout.