One of my clients died, and I am not 100% sure I am allowed to say so. The HIPAA training we’ve received is so tight, I’ve wondered if we are even allowed to say we HAVE clients, or if we are supposed to pretend we are secretaries or CIA agents or something. My general feeling about HIPAA is this: if I can tell you some non-embarrassing information about a person, and then even if I gave you a WEEK at gunpoint to find out who I was talking about you couldn’t do it without committing crimes, then probably I am not violating anyone’s privacy.
Anyway, I am not VERY sad, because this was a situation where the end was a mercy sought by all, including the client. But of course I am still some sad. I am also upset because I was planning to go to the funeral [edited to add: I would have gone to the visitation instead, but they’re having only a funeral], and then Paul said he thought that would be really weird. “Maybe if you’d been her full-time caregiver for, like, five years,” he said. And I was going to ask for group input on this, but I realized two things: (1) Paul has already ruined it by planting doubt, despite being a person who didn’t attend his own father’s funeral so maybe I could just dismiss his opinion on this, and (2) I don’t want to hear even one more person confirm his opinion. I would really like it if “going to a funeral” was in pretty much EVERY SINGLE CASE considered a normal, nice, non-weird, routine, CITIZEN OF THIS PLANET thing to do.
I don’t mind if we make exceptions for people who attend in bad faith (wanting to cause a scene, wanting to make others unhappy, not even knowing the person or his/her family but going for the free food, etc.), but high attendance at a funeral is considered a GOOD thing, and low attendance is considered a SAD thing, and I don’t see why it would be weird to attend the funeral of ANYONE I had a connection to, including co-workers, parents of friends, the town librarian, etc. She was my very first client, and I took care of her at least once a week for nearly ten months, and I will be continuing to care for her husband. If I were her husband/children, I think I would be touched to see the caregivers attend the funeral, and it would make me glad because I would think it meant they were actually fond of her and so probably took good care of her when she was alive.
This also brings my job to a crossroads. I have been thinking for awhile that my continuing stress levels after ten months may mean this job is just not a good fit—even though in some ways it is a GREAT fit. Losing this client means changing my schedule again, and my supervisor tried to give me a client who is so out of my league, it gives me a sick feeling to think she’d be willing to send someone so unqualified. The care plan is packed with notes from the nurse about how the person taking this client MUST be able to do X, Y, and Z—all CNA/LNA-trained tasks, none of which I can do. I emailed my supervisor yesterday morning saying so, and she hasn’t replied. The last time I turned down a client, she took it badly, and I am still having occasional imaginary arguments with her in my head about it. I am trying very hard to put into practice the philosophy of this book:
(image from Amazon.com)
It is helping somewhat, but I am still flinching with anticipation of the email I am likely to eventually receive. I am trying to remember that the ABSOLUTE WORST that can happen is that she can say “You know what, this isn’t working out”—which I AGREE with, but I would be sad to leave one of my clients. The second-worst possible outcome is one that might be the BEST outcome, which would be for me to continue spending three short shifts per week with the one client who is exactly what I had in mind when I sought out this job, and then quit when that client no longer needs me. Despite all this mental coaching, I am still getting a gross feeling every time I hear a “new email” sound. Because the ACTUAL thing I’m worried about is not the practical outcome with regard to the job, but rather the number of things she could say that I will hate and want to argue with.
Breaking news: I just received a completely friendly and good-natured email from my supervisor. Well. This just further demonstrates two things: (1) How very nice it would be to be the sort of person who doesn’t think about bad things until they actually happen, and (2) How VERY MUCH my supervisor influences my job satisfaction, because in one email I went from “I think I’d better quit” to “Sure, I’ll take on those additional shifts!”
[Edited to add: Then she called later, and we had a conversation in which said she was sorry about the mix-up in my schedule: she said hadn’t realized the client I’m literally not qualified to care for was “so much work,” and she referred to the shifts I AM qualified to take as “light, fluffy shifts.” It was subtle but effective: I was left with the impression that I requested the alterations in my schedule to suit my lazy ways, rather than based on whether my skill set was an appropriate/safe match with the client’s needs. So. We’re back to “I think I’d better quit.”]
Even though you didn’t want it opened to discussion, I think your instincts re: attending the funeral are just fine. It would be a lovely and kind thing for you to go (or even to go to the visitation) and it would not be weird at all.
I don’t often comment, but if you want to attend the funeral, I HIGHLY recommend you go. This is a slightly different scenario, but when my daughter died, I was so touched by all the people who came out in particular the nurses who took care of her. I know they’re busy, and so the fact that they took time out of their day to show up meant SO much to me. I’m going to bet your client’s family would feel the same. You have been caring (both physically and emotionally) for this client so to want to say goodbye makes complete sense.
I was going to say exactly this. I was very touched when caregivers showed up at my grandmothers funeral. It is a thoughtful thing to do if it fit into your schedule/you wanted to.
Yes to attending the funeral. ESPECIALLY because her husband will be there.
I would like to answer your e-mail for you. I would be very polite, just cheerfully obstructionist against all attempted bullpuckery. You could relax with a nice mug of something, knowing none of the nonsense would be rubbing up against you like electronic poison ivy.
Attending the funeral would be a kind gesture and not at all weird. Also a disclaimer that there should be no ill feelings about thinking about going in your head and then in actuality not going for whatever reason (or is that just me that feels doubt and guilt no matter WHAT I do?) You don’t have to have a years-long close relationship with someone to pay respects and I can’t imagine any family that wouldn’t be touched by such a gesture.
I have been with the same company for 17 years and have worked with 7 different direct bosses. I love my actual job, but I have found my job satisfaction is entirely dependent on the person I report to. I hate that someone can hold this power and influence over my day-to-day happiness.
As a funeral director, I think you should go to the funeral. Do you think the family would be touched that you went? Would they appreciate it? If yes, then go. The family will know that their loved one was cared for and it can’t HURT to go.
I mean, it can’t hurt and can only help to go. My mom’s mom never left her house, but weirdly, she knew a lot of people, so my mom always had to go to the wakes and funerals, to represent. She did this from a VERY young age, like five or six! She always had us go to wakes and funerals, and to learn to say “I’m sorry for your loss” from a very young age and it has been a really good thing to know about. In the Catholic church, we consider Burying the Dead to be a Corporal Work of Mercy and that’s how I always think about it – maybe uncomfortable for me, maybe inconvenient, but a kind act that helps people during a rough time and what could be wrong with that?
Also, our respite staff person who spends time with our son did what you talked about. When she started with us, she had several clients but it just started not working for her, she was scheduled really far away, with people who had different needs than she was used to working with, etc., so eventually she just whittled it down to our son being her only client. We loved her and we were fine with whatever, so we backed her up completely and it seemed to work well.
When my grandmother passed away, we were happy to see her caregivers at the funeral. They spent so much time with her in the end, and she was aware of and talked about their lives and families, etc. — as if they were some of her new friends. And in a way, they were, as they were the people with whom she spent her days and nights. You are correct that it is totally appropriate to attend the celebration of life of a person with whom you had a connection.
I thought it was nice to see my grandfather’s caregivers at his funeral, but honestly I haven’t thought about it until I read your post. Unless you have a really acrimonious relationship with the children, I think it is entirely up to you whether you go. If you go, it will at worst not register with them beyond a nod, and at best will be a recognition of their mother’s space in someone else’s life. If you don’t go there will almost certainly be no fall out from that decision.
I don’t think attending the funeral would be a mistake. But I generally feel uncomfortable about going to funerals of people I don’t know well. In those cases, I go to the visitation. I feel like that is the chance to give my condolences and let the family know I’m thinking about them but saves room in the funeral for people who knew that person better than I did. But I think you should go with your gut if it’s telling you to go to the funeral. You may not have known this person well, but you cared for that person at a very vulnerable time of their life and that means something.
I’d never really given much thought to funerals and visitations; if I knew a person well, I would go if I could, but didn’t go out of my way to attend them. But when my mother-in-law died a couple of years ago I realized just how comforting it was to see people there, both at the visitation and the funeral. It was incredibly touching that people would make time in their day to come, even just for a few minutes at the visitation. So my opinion on funerals now and forever will be: go if at all possible. No one will ever think, “Why did SHE show up?!” They will only be touched and thankful that you did.
I think your initial thought was correct. You initially thought you would go, then you should. It’s thoughtful and very kind of you.
One of the best piece of funeral-attendance advice I ever received was – Funeral attendance is for the living, not the dead.
I took it two ways:
1) It’s not weird to go if it is a comfort to YOU. If you need to go for closure or to say a last goodbye, go.
2) It’s not weird to go if you want to offer sympathy to people the deceased leaves behind. Even if you never met the deceased and want to provide comfort (not your case), go.
We had care givers and nursing home workers come to all the services for my grandma as well as her four sisters. We were touched. Everyone in the family was.
Yes! My mom has always said the same thing about funeral attendance. My stepdad claims he doesn’t want one, but we’re all like too bad! You’re having one.
I totally agree! My husband’s mother insisted she wanted only close family at her funeral and I know my father in-law really regrets not ignoring that and letting people come.
My grandmother (who is doing fine at 91.5 years old, living alone and doing all kinds of social and physical activities) doesn’t want a service (eventually, not soon) and my uncle is all “whatever my mom wants” and I’m like NO WAY, in addition to us family my grandmother has a ton of friends who will want to say goodbye. We are having a service if I have to pay for the whole thing myself. When my grandfather died my uncle was the only one who was still in touch with him and when my mom and I said we wanted to know the service details so we could go, he said, “[his wife] and I went and identified the body. That was the service.”
I say yes to the funeral as well. Paul sounds a bit like my boss, who thinks you should only go to the funerals of your immediate family members or actual best friend. Not long after starting my current job, one of my good friends from college passed away in a car accident. He was 25. We actually dated for about two years, but were friends before that, and remained friends afterward. I made it very clear that I wanted to attend his funeral, and got attitude about it right away. I still went, but my boss had the nerve to text me several times throughout the day to see what time I was coming back to work. I told him repeatedly that I wasn’t going to be back, but that didn’t stop him. It was unbelievable to me. I had never seen anyone be so thoughtless and rude, though I am sure it does happen.
My best friend’s mom passed away a few months later, and I was so scared of his reaction that I decided not to go to her funeral. I was 25 and new at the company, and I really did think he would fire me over it. It remains one of my biggest regrets, and if I could do it over, I would have been there in a heartbeat.
This is also the same person who brags about not going to the funerals of people he knows. Like it’s a badge of honor. “My friend died, but I am NOT going to his funeral. I do not need to be there, he’s not my immediate family member.” Um, cool. Enjoy life as a heartless jerk.
Sorry…I really vented there!
I think it’s your decision. My parents (well, mostly my Mom, and her Mom before her) made going to wakes just a part of life. You go in, you say hello to the family, say goodbye to the deceased, and go home. If it was someone you knew, and wanted to go, you went. My husband’s family is more of the opinion that wakes and funerals are for family and close friends only.
I don’t think you are obliged to go to the funeral, but I think it’s a lovely gesture and completely appropriate for you to be there. I imagine the family would be touched and happy to have you there. Were it my relative, the message it would send for me was that, although you were a professional performing a service, you also had positive, warm feelings toward my relative and that would make me feel happy and comforted.
Please, please, please go to the funeral. Husband was hurt when his mother died and not a single one of her (multiple) caretakers showed up to the funeral. They and he had shared this tough time trying to give her a peaceful final-days experience, and I’m guessing it felt like a lot like abandonment.
-Definitely go to the funeral.
-You have changed my life with a previous statement you made. Something like, “I’ll just pretend to be an it-doesn’t-hurt-to-ask type of person”. Mind blown. Similar to “how very nice it would be to not worry about bad things until they actually happen”.
ALSO I wish I could convey the “Nope, you’ve already ruined it” sentiment to MY husband when he plants tiny seeds of doubt in these situations. We have the best relationship but with my anxiety, those conversational comments are just A Thing.
Your instincts are lovely. I once read a piece of advice that said “Always go to the funeral”. I try to keep that in mind when I’m wavering in those situations. You should go if it works with your schedule and that’s what you think you should do.
Was it this?
http://www.npr.org/2005/08/08/4785079/always-go-to-the-funeral
It’s short, but a good read.
Yes! Thank you for finding this…brought tears to my eyes once again!
Oh, that’s really good.
oh my.
hmmm. . if anyone comments you shouldn’t go to the funeral, I think that’s more about their discomfort with funerals than about your decision. That you should go if you want to seems like a no-brainer to me.
When my MIL died last fall, it was a tremendous comfort to my FIL when her hospice workers attended the funeral. I’m not sure why, but it was. You should go.
For my job (estate planning / real estate atty) we go to funerals or visitations of clients who pass. We even go as an entire office once or twice a year for longstanding clients. I was surprised at first, but now it’s kind of nice. Also our bar association attends funerals as a group for attorneys who pass, so I’ve been to funerals of people I’ve never met and it turns out it’s not weird. The families appreciate it.
My mom is currently terminally ill. We have several caregivers coming to their house daily to help my Dad and I care for her, and I think about your work daily, Swistle. At least for us, our caregivers have been our lifeline when we thought we were going to drown from this awful situation.
While my mom’s death is not imminent, it will occur within the next year, and I have already begun thinking about how I’m going to feel about her memorial services, etc. I would very VERY much like to see any or all of her caregivers at her memorial. I don’t know if it’s delusional of me, but it means a lot to me to think that her caregivers genuinely care about her, enjoy her, and will miss her when she’s gone. They are walking through the valley of the shadow of death with us, and i would want them there at the end of the journey, too.
If what you do for your clients is anything like what our caregivers are doing for my mom, you have my deep and utter gratitude. My dad and I would be catatonic with grief and exhaustion, without these people coming to show us how to put one foot in front of the other, every single day. Thank you so much for doing this work. From the bottom of my broken heart.
<3
Oh, Bitts. Holding you in my heart.
I think your thoughts/reasons for wanting to go to the funeral are inspiring and lovely and make me wanna hug you. Glad you stood up about refusing the client!! You kind of just gave her the best care available — pushing for her to get what she needs. Happy for you, sorry you suffer worrying about the supervisor — you are right and she was wrong/overlooked and made a mistake. Glad to read the ETA.
That book cover bothers me! If you really don’t give a fuck, why would you bother to * a curse word out?!
Must add not railing at you over book cover! Railing at book cover designer, author’s title choice.
IMO the visitation at the funeral home and the church service/graveside are VERY different. I have and would go to a visitation for acquaintances, acquaintances’ family members, coworker’s fathers, etc. I have never attended an actual funeral for a non family member, I don’t think. I think it would be lovely for you to attend, sign the guestbook, give your condolences, and you’re good.
I think you should go. She was special to you in that she was your first client; no one else can be that. It’s cemented to me because you will be taking care of her husband. You are in their circle, even if you haven’t been in it for all that long. It’s okay if Paul sees your former client as a coworker who was just passing through. This was no coworker, this was someone you literally, hands-on, cared for. It would be a kindness to her husband not to be alone.
Regarding HIPAA, I say once an obituary has been printed, it’s public knowledge and you are just a civilian where a funeral is concerned.
It IS galling that your supervisor falls down on HER job by asking you to accept clients who are outside of your credentials. It used to make me so angry to go to a job interview and be told that what they really wanted was someone with a Master’s degree already, or who would have one imminently (hint: not me). Had they mentioned that in the listing, I never would have applied, nor would HR have even called me to an interview. It really is an offensive to waste a person’s time in this situation, and no one I ever called out on that was the least bit repentant. I’ll never understand it.
Your supervisor is probably a nice person who just may not be very good at her job.
When I was a teenager I was a candy striper at a senior’s home. Since I was a bright and chatty young thing, they set me up as a “special friend” with a lady who – I now realize – was in the home because she had severe MS and was not actually a senior. Or, she was a pretty young senior. Anyway, when she passed away I was 16 and I went to the funeral. Her husband and adult sons were very happy to speak to me and very happy I was at the funeral. I agree with you; more people at the funeral is a happy thing. I am sorry your client has passed, it is very sad. I know your job is stressful but I want to add a “plus one” to all the comments that say what an important job it is. Being able to have a loved one at home and cared for is wonderful, and it is not easy. I am sure the family would absolutely love and be comforted by your presence.
My grandfather’s caregiver attended his funeral after working with him for about a year. Everyone thought it was very nice that she was there, and appreciated the effort.
The most relevant fact here, IMO, is that your relationship with the family is ongoing. I would go for sure. It will be a kindness.
My family loved it when my grandfather’s hospice workers came to his funeral. He was in a coma the whole time they knew him, but the care they gave was special. It was a comfort for them to be there.
Very relevant post for me- my mom just passed away last week. I was so happy to see some of her caregivers at the visitation before the funeral, as I spent the last two weeks in the nursing home daily with her, and they were suddenly my closest companions. But I also understood that not all of them could be there, and that was fine, as well. I would have had no problem with them staying for the funeral, but most had to go back to work. My brother is a supervisor, and his underlings came to the visitation, again, nice of them to do, not a negative thing at all. Do what feels comfortable for you. The people looking for problems are always going to find them.
Chiming in here to say that the part-time caregivers (there were several) who cared for my grandmother attended her memorial service, which we all thought was very kind and not at all odd or inappropriate.
I could not agree with this statement more: “How very nice it would be to be the sort of person who doesn’t think about bad things until they actually happen” I would literally (yes, literally!) give my left pinky finger to not worry so much. I am now trying to think of some “At least…” statement – At least we are prepared? At least we consider many options? Nope, still wish I didn’t FRET and STEW and BROOD.
Seconded. Or thirded?
I’m on team go to the funeral.
My moms a waitress and she goes to the majority of her customers funerals.. If that helps?
Restores my faith in humanity. What a lovely thing she’s doing.
I can’t see how going to the funeral or the visitation could be negative. Funerals are supposed to give comfort.
Unless a person goes to make a disturbance, I don’t think anyone regrets attending a funeral.
I know about the sowing doubt issue though. My husband does this too. He has anxiety as well as I do, so he’s not really aware he does it. I think I do it to him, too.
My mom is a palliative care nurse and she goes to the services of clients she’s provided care for for a substantial amount of time. Other times she’s only been called in within a few weeks of the end and doesn’t go.
BUT she had an associate that went to any and all funerals of people with whom she had had only the most casual of contact. She had been FIRED from jobs for not doing a good job and was strongly disliked by those clients, but STILL WENT to the funerals! That seemed a bit much to be honest – the family that did the firing couldn’t have been comforted by her presence. In the end it seems that she was following a “do unto others” philosophy, because when she herself was on her deathbed she expected casual work associates to bring her gifts in the hospital (even gifts that she said outright she wanted in order to give them to her daughters so not even for her), and she asked the son of a former client from years in the past to visit with his violin and play it for her. And he did! And she had all the attention she desired and expected and demanded, and her last days were just as she wanted them to be. Which was nice, but still… I’m finding hard to articulate how her last days were kind of inspirational, yet still felt really odd.
I am SO GLAD the supervisor response was NOTHING like you anticipated! That is excellent! (I too wonder with longing what it would be like to not think about bad things until they happen. What FREEDOM!)
Like you, I am of the firm belief that the more people at a funeral the better. And that in most cases it is FINE to go. I believe, too, that it is a fine and good thing to attend funerals of people you don’t know/have never met if you are doing so in support of the people left behind. (Going to the funeral of a coworker’s husband, for instance, even if you never met him.) ALL GOOD. But I was once shamed for attending a funeral – and it was NOT FUN. I still WENT, but the shaming made me feel uncomfortable the whole time. (It was of the Supportive variety, not of the I Knew the Deceased Quite Well variety.) ANYWAY, that experience means that I am glaring at anyone (PAUL) who would discourage a kind and good-meaning person from attending a funeral.
Listen. Don’t feel weird about going to that funeral.
Maybe kick Paul in the shins.
You, I like you.
I have encountered caregivers at funerals on several occasions, including those for my father and grandmother. I always thought it was and incredibly kind and thoughtful gesture. And just to be clear, these were not longtime, exclusive arrangements or anything.
In my experience, it means so much when people take the time to come to the memorial of a loved one. I’ve never looked around at a service and thought, geez, why are they here?
I know lots of people have already said it, but I’m chiming in. Paul is wrong.
My mother was a home health nurse when I was growing up — lots of geriatric patients. On a regular basis, she would pick up the paper, flip to the obits, then say sadly, “oh, Bobby Sue died” where Bobby Sue was someone no one else in the family had ever heard of. She went to a LOT of funerals.
My take on the etiquette is this: If funeral/visitation dates and times are shared with you in any way, then you’re invited to go. So, families that publish that information in the paper as part of the obit are inviting anyone who wishes to come to do so. Families that allow their faith community to send out notifications that include this information are suggesting that anyone in that community may come if they wish. Families that share this information with the company that supplies their caregivers are welcoming the caregivers to come. (Note attempting to head off fretting: this doesn’t necessarily mean they will be hurt and offended if you DON’T go. They will either be too focused on other things to notice your absence or they will assume that you had a conflict and couldn’t make it or they will guess that you don’t “do funerals” and it will not be a big deal. But, if you DO go, I suspect they will notice it with warm fuzzy feelings if at all.)
Plus, I don’t think 10 months is “a short time.” That’s almost a year! It’s not like you only had 2 visits to this client and the family might not even know who you are. They know you, they know you cared for this family member, and they know you will still be coming to care for another family members. That makes you part of their extended circle of people.
I love all your commenters, I truly do. I agree that going to a funeral is never a bad thing. It’s showing respect to the deceased, and/or support to the grieving. If you are worried that they may think you are there for free food, in my experience, you don’t have to stay for the reception. But I think your presence in a church or funeral home service is a lovely gesture.
You are so thoughtful, Swistle. My mother has been known to drop by low attendance funerals at her church, even if she doesn’t know the deseased, as a kindness to the family and because it’s a nice thing to do. And, regarding phone call dread- I always assume people are calling me or contacting me because I am in trouble for something. Have i ever really been in trouble’ or broken rules? No! It’s just this gross dread. I feel you on that.
Ignore what Paul has to say on this one – if you feel you should go to the funeral – go. You should always go when you feel that you should. I think the family would feel honored that you thought enough of the person to show up.
When my great aunt died, some of the only people who came were her care givers (small family and she was really old so her friends had all died). It meant a lot that they came.
I think it’s a very kind thing for you to do. I think if you feel compelled to do so it doesn’t matter if it’s been 3 days or 3 years that you’ve cared for them. Plus once I read you’re still caring for her husband then I really think it’s totally appropriate!
Paul! There is nothing wrong with going to the funeral of someone who was in your care, or the funeral of the spouse of someone in your care. Don’t be a weirdo. This is not a case where people who disagree are kindly remaining silent.
xo,
reader of Swistle.
It MIGHT be that kind of case, though, since I basically said, “DON’T TALK IF YOU AGREE WITH PAUL!” I’m trying to imagine being a Commenter Who Agrees With Paul, and thinking, “Errrrrr……”!
Right, I was figuring that would be his argument. (How nice of you to make it for him!)
Just saying, this is a pretty obvious majority opinion. If you polled random people on the street, even if people didn’t want to go to a funeral in this situation a very tiny fraction would actually find it WRONG to go.
I stand by my “weirdo!” judgment. BRING IT, PAUL.
Having been a nurse for twenty years, I can tell you that there are some people whose personal comfort level is such that they do not attend funerals ever, some who attend all, and some in between.
However, unequivocally: it is OBJECTIVELY not weird for you to go. I am just going to use the minimal authority my role confers to state this without wavering.
Some of my co-workers came to my mother’s funeral even though they had never met her, and I thought it was so lovely of them and I really appreciated it.
Go to the funeral. Actually, I’m sort of surprised the caretaking company doesn’t highly encourage (even pay) you to go. Beyond just being the thing that nice people do, it seems it would make good business sense. Family feels honored that you would make the effort. From a marketing standpoint (I’m clearly headed towards hell in a ham basket for thinking this), the deceased likely has friends in the same age bracket who might notice and want to call that service vice some other.
As a blog reader of yours, I’d also like to encourage you to go because I wouldn’t want you to miss out on any juicy discussions about the good towels and fine linens (see earlier note…I really should figure out what a ham basket is. )
Ham basket does conjure up some strange images, but it’s actually “handbasket”. I’ve always assumed it’s a basket that has a handle so you can… hold it? with your hand? because it’s not too big?
http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/hell-in-a-handbasket.html
Like the kind Dorothy has Toto in at the beginning of the Wizard of Oz?
That’s the sort of thing I picture! Like a little picnic basket with two flaps, a gingham napkin peeking out! Very pleasant way to travel to Hell, although now I like the idea of including ham.
Want to shock a group of 12 year olds? Use the expression. They are simultaneously confused and horrified (their teacher swore! and what’s a hand basket?!).
To be used sparingly, for maximum effect and minimum firing.
Add me to the “go to the funeral” crowd. Go to the funeral for yourself, for your client, for your client’s widower — any of those all by itself would be great reasons to go to a funeral and in this instance it seems like all 3 are in place (well, OK, count me among those who believe “funerals are for the living, not the dead,” so — for your client, I mean, not exactly. But as a reflection of your respect/affection for your client, absolutely.
While I’m sure Paul has many OTHER excellent qualities, in this case his advice is dopey.
With all due respect to your husband: he is wrong. Going to the funeral IS entirely appropriate and good and kind and the right thing to do.
From the point of view of someone whose parents currently have an aide four hours a day: the first one we had became part of the family. After knowing her for eight weeks they felt so close to her that they invited her and her family to my dad’s 90th birthday party, and they came, and we were all glad about that. When she was offered a full time job and left, they missed her very much. After a couple of unfortunate short timers, they now have another one they like even better. A good aide becomes part of the family.
You should absolutely feel free to go to a funeral for a client (or anyone else). The family would be happy about that, I guarantee it. The more people who come to a funeral, the better it is for the remaining family because they can see that all those people cared about their loved one.
The priest at my church (who of course does lots of funerals) always says at the beginning of his funeral talk that no one will remember anything he says, but they’ll remember the people who came. And I think that’s true. It’s a lovely idea to go if you can.
I most definitely think you should go to the funeral. My first thought was that how much the surviving family will appreciate it. Then, when you mentioned you would be continuing to care for her husband, that made it even more definite to me. Funerals and visitations are not only for the person who passed, but also for the surviving family and friends.
Two thoughts:
1. Going to the funeral would be such a kindness to the family/confirmation she was cared for and about by her (paid) caregivers.
2. I once read that people don’t quit jobs, they quit bosses. This has been (mostly) true for me.
I really hope all of these comments are convincing you to go to the funeral. I think it would be perfectly lovely.
Even if there are people reading who agree with Paul, there are many people who don’t and who have had lovely experiences. Please take them to heart. It sounds like it’s something you would really like to do, and I know you would be welcome.
I am so, so happy that you had a good-natured email and it was not the email you were worried about. I have just spent the last four months agonizing about telling the mom in charge of our co-op preschool that I can’t do it again next year…and then the conversation wasn’t actually so bad.
I’d definitely say that it’s not weird to go to the funeral. When my brother died, it was really great to meet anyone who had interacted with him. He’d been attending a program for only a few months before he died, but the teacher and aides came and brought a few of his classmates. I had been living out of state when he died and it was really nice for me to meet people he’d been interacting with recently.
I think this might be a difference in perspective in men and women. Women see a funeral as a place they can connect, communicate and empathize and men see it is a place where they have to weary scratchy, dress clothes.
I don’t agree with Paul – I think it’s a good idea, generally, to go to a funeral. When my husband’s nephew died recently, friends of the family came who had never even met him because they knew those left grieving, and it was definitely appreciated. But I will say that my mother often avoids funerals of acquaintances or people she hasn’t seen in some time because of what an easy crier she is. She’s always worried that she’ll end up crying more than some of the family members and that people will think it’s put on or something. While I personally believe that’s unlikely (most people aren’t even going to notice, much less worry about how much another person is crying), I understand the hesitation. The idea that someone might be thinking “What do you have to be so sad about, you barely even knew him!” is certainly deterring.
On the work front, I just got what felt like a long reprimand from my ostensible boss (not technically, as I’m a freelancer, but that actually made it worse because I had no recourse to push back) because I made a request that seemed perfectly reasonable to me, but that sent Boss into a kind of panic. Since this was something I had done in the past, regularly, if under somewhat different circumstances, and no one had informed me that it was no longer allowed, making the request didn’t seem like a big deal. But after receiving Boss’s response, I ended up feeling like I Should Have Known Better than to even ask, or like I was trying to get away with something. But I didn’t identify those feelings at first, and couldn’t figure out why, after receiving the initial response, I immediately started crying. I had to talk through it with my husband for half an hour, and then think about it all evening and into the next day besides, even though the only response to make back was, “Ok, I won’t do that, then.” It was a horrible feeling. I sympathize so much with work stresses that occupy the mind like this.
1. YES, I worry about that same thing your mother worries about! I cry easily, and I cry at Traditional Ceremonial Elements, AND I cry if other people cry, and I ESPECIALLY cry if someone is crying while talking. (My eyes are welling up NOW, just WRITING about someone crying while talking!) So I do feel nervous that people will think I am Overdoing It. I sit toward the back!
2. My boss OOZES the “trying to get away with something” vibe. It is one of the reasons she may drive me to quit. Her default setting seems to be “Give ’em an inch and they’ll take a mile” combined with “Employees are always trying to get out of having to work.”
Aha! You need to feel trusted and she will only offer distrust. You two are at an impasse. How different things would be if you could do your trusted work for someone who trusts you. Is this the only caregiving agency in your area?
I just saw that edit at the bottom of your post. It’s time to say goodbye, for sure.
Me too about the worry your mother has. I’m not a crier (though I do cry more easily now than I used to), but funerals really do make me cry, no matter how hard the family tries to make it “a celebration of the deceased’s life”. Just like being at a wedding makes you think about your wedding and other people’s weddings, being at a funeral – any funeral – makes me think of all the different funerals I’ve been to, and all the funerals that I will end up going to in the future, and the weight of all of them together just makes me SO SAD.
I’m getting a little verklempt just writing this now!
My dad’s end was mercifully brief, so we did not get to know any of the hospice workers very well. However, I would have been quite happy to see any of the caretakers. They were super awesome and helpful when we were floundering and didn’t know what to do.
Unfortunately, the only person from hospice who came to the funeral was their resident pastor. He had visited at my dad’s house once while dad was dying and wanted to pray with us – and we are most decidedly NOT religious people. I was very uncomfortable having him there while dad was dying, even though I know he meant well. I think he finally got the hint when he just wasn’t getting anywhere with us, and left.
When I saw him at the funeral and he started in with how he knew I felt XYZ, I thought, you don’t know jack about me, so please leave me alone. I got away without having to pray with him. Fortunately, I am 100% positive you will not be attending the funeral to pray with anyone, so I am +1 for you to attend.
1. another supporter for attending the funeral!
2. OMG. I would like to punch your boss. Right in the nose. POW.
Your boss. She is not a good person. Either she has a horrible outlook and is doing her best given she lives in a world where everyone’s lazy and she’s the designated Slack-Picker-Upper *martyred sigh*, or she gets pleasure out of manipulating you and making you feel small. Either way, get a new job. She is not on Team Swistle.
I just this morning found out that the niece of an ex-boyfriend was murdered a couple of weeks ago by her ex-boyfriend. I’m still in casual touch with my ex, his parents and his sister (the mom of the girl who died), and even though I hadn’t seen his niece since she was a little girl, I would have gone to the service if I’d heard about it in time. There are some (like Paul) that might have thought it weird, but I would have wanted to support the family because they’re amazing people whose hearts would have been broken by this, and his niece used to call me nearly-aunt-Shawna.
I wasn’t going to add an answer, because I’d only have written what everyone else did (go, and don’t feel weird about it), but I just saw your last addendum about your boss. What a bitch. And I’m not going to apologize for using that word, because she earned it.
People who think that only they themselves are really qualified and seem to wish they could just employ clones of themselves, because everyone else is just a slacker in disguise, should not be bosses. They never appreciate the people they have and always fault them for not being copies of an idealized version of themselves.