There’s a dilemma I keep encountering in my job, and it is this: what about when the RELATIVE of the client wants “us” (supposedly the client and me, but actually just me) to do something?
Here is an example. I take care of elderly clients, as you know. Many of them live with their grown children. Sometimes the grown child of a client will ask the client to do something—and it’s something the client can’t do without me, and the grown child knows it. Perhaps the child asks the client to polish three boxes of silverware for a holiday get-together, or perhaps the child asks the client (who no longer drives) to drive 40 minutes away to pick something up. Either way, let’s say the client agrees to do this thing—but that they cannot do it without me.
It’s tricky, and it’s especially tricky if insurance is involved. If insurance is involved, the idea is that the client is medically qualified for a certain amount of care. That is, an insurance company has said, “Yes, this person needs x hours of care per week, and we will cover that.” And you know how reluctant insurance companies are to pay money if something isn’t truly necessary. And then…the client’s daughter hopes that instead of me spending time making her mom’s lunch, doing her mom’s dishes, helping her mom shower, reminding her mom to take her medicine, shopping for her mom’s groceries—instead I will take her mom with me to Sears while I return the curtains she (the daughter) felt weren’t quite right for the living room.
But…she-the-daughter didn’t ask ME to do this, she asked her-mom-the-client to do this, and her mom said yes. And a good way to summarize my job is that I am a robot arm: whatever the client can’t do on her own, I do it for her. And she agreed to do this favor for her daughter. And I am her robot arm. So then I do the favor for the daughter. But it feels wrong, on several levels.
It feels wrong in a financial/insurance/fraud sense. The insurance company only agrees to pay for this because they believe it is medically necessary. They obviously don’t intend the time to be used for curtain-returning. (But…if it were the client’s curtain purchase/return, that WOULD be an intended use of the time: running errands is in my job description.)
It feels wrong ethically. My time is supposed to be spent caring for the client. Instead I am running errands for the grown child of the client.
It feels wrong ethically in a second way. I’m supposed to be taking care of someone who can’t do things for herself. Instead I am doing chores for someone who ABSOLUTELY can do things for herself.
The word I’m looking for is that it feels exploitive. The grown child is exploiting a situation that is supposed to benefit her elderly mother, and using it as a sort of “Can I borrow your healthcare provider to be my personal assistant for a quick sec, Mom?” thing.
I COULD draw a line in the sand, and there are situations where I very well might. If, for example, the grown child asked me to help cater a dinner party she was throwing. But mostly these iffy situations happen infrequently enough and are fuzzy-lined enough (“Well, but this lets the client feel as if she is still useful to her daughter”) that I don’t feel I need to take any action other than thinking about the interesting layers of issues involved.
Edited to add: It is a normal part of my job to drive the client on errands (or to go on my own on her behalf), using the client’s car or mine depending on the circumstances. (If I use my car, I’m paid for mileage.)
All I thought while reading this is No. No No No No No.
Now, I don’t know your full job description, but this cannot possibly be part of it, right? Who are these exploiting, awful children? Who would even ask something like this of their parent (who can’t drive, needs a caregiver, etc.)? You sure are seeing interesting side of humanity and family life.
Just wow. So, totally agree with you. It’s wrong on so many levels.
So, yes, on one level I totally agree with you and with with A.’s interpretation of what you have written — obviously this is wrong, wrong, wrong and what dreadful behavior on the part of the adult children. Also, I do have a different insurance question, to wit, if you were driving to the mall in the described situation and heaven forbid were in an accident and you or the client or some third party (the driver of another car?) were hurt, would your employer’s insurance cover that? Because that does seem like a potentially important concern.
On the other hand, I have to guess that in many cases the lines are kind of blurry — maybe the (adult) child bought those curtains FOR mom so she could nap comfortably on the couch in the living room, but they don’t block enough of the light. Maybe the silver polishing is in preparation for a gathering bringing the grandchildren, or key member of the faith community, in for a visit with your client. And while, obviously, the (adult) child of the client CAN return the curtains, maybe the responsibilities they have taken on (even given that they have paid assistance, you, for some of those some of the time) have so depleted their time/energy that they feel/find they CANNOT (e.g.) return the curtains.
So. I am inclined BOTH to be sympathetic to your outrage/irritation/frustration/concern and to think it’s entirely appropriate and justified AND to think that your willingness to grit your teeth and carry on is often probably a well-placed kindness.
Ohhhhhh. Alexicographer is more generous in her thoughts than I am. I got VERY uncomfortable with the position you’re being put in, as I read this. I also thought of the driving-related-insurance question immediately, too: does your employer expect you to be driving your clients? Are you covered in the event of an accident outside the house? What if your client falls getting in/out of the car?
Eeesh. I just.. exploitative seems definitely like the right word, although I COMPLETELY see how fuzzy the line is to be able to start rejecting these requests. What a tough/interesting situation, which I will continue to consider (fume about) throughout the day :)
Oh wow, what a terrible position for you to be put in. I do kind of see your point in the last paragraph. But I also feel like grown-ass children who are asking their frail and under-medical-care parents to run errands are exploiting The System (and their aging parents, who probably don’t know how to say “no” and feel some kind of responsibility because they are living with their child, etc etc). Lawsy, so much gray area, some darker gray than others, and maybe just tiny little splotches of “this specific request is probably okay.”
Do not envy you, not one bit.
xox
The insurance question popped out at me immediately also.
Are you driving their car or your own?
On the silver-polishing front, if this is something asked for on a semi-regular basis, and you have the capacity, buy one of those $25 jewelry cleaning gizmos. They do a pretty good job.
On the errands front, if it takes time away from your stated duties, then you’re in a bad spot, and really have to say no.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.
What a dilemma! Do you drive Client’s car, or yours? In either case, does YOUR liability insurance cover you if you’re driving Client somewhere? I’m guessing not, since it’s in the conduct of your work, but this is certainly an issue you want to clear with your carrier. It could also be that your employer (the company, not Client) carries liability insurance for such things, but it is something that needs to be verified, perhaps even in writing. If client’s daughter says breezily that her insurance covers you, you might need to ask for some verification.
Also, when you get to [Sears], does Client go inside with you? What if he/she falls–how does your/the employer’s insurance deal with that? I’m not particularly an alarmist, but in these litigious times, we have to think of things like that.
At a university where I was employed, I was asked to drive a sports team’s van to an event, and I refused, on the grounds that I didn’t want to be responsible for the lives of the team members, especially knowing the risks inherent in those particular vans. The administration tried to reassure me with lots of “Oh, we got you covered” claims, but I held my ground.
Ugh. That’s a pickle. I’m amazed at how often people instinctively know how to brush up perfectly against an uncomfortable boundary like this.
The only good I can see in going along would be that the client feels useful within her support group. She’ll get the social benefits of being useful, and it may help maintain her relationships with children. I guess it also helps maintain the status quo of children relying on a parent — which as I write it, I think “they should grow up!” but in my own relationship with my parents, I know it’s very hard to break a 40 year pattern; even on the basic level, it’s hard to find things to talk about that don’t involve my mom clucking after my welfare.
That said, it makes my skin crawl in sympathy for you. Your clients are likely vulnerable and may feel a lot of pressure to say yes for all the reasons stated above. Perhaps they are hoping you’ll set the boundary. Trust your gut. If it feels wrong, it probably is.
PS: They should pay you a bonus for having to sort through this type of thing.
Questions – what are the legalities involved for you to be driving a client around? Is this a normal part of your job – do you otherwise drive clients places? If so, is there a distinction between taking them to a doctor’s appt vs something like this? Do you use your own car/gas? If so, is there any reimbursement from the client or employer? If driving a client isn’t a normal part of the job, and it isn’t already covered in your contract, you need to look into the legal issues and responsibilities if something would happen while you are off-site and/or driving.
Yes, driving the clients around is a normal part of my job. As far as I know, there’s no distinction: errands and appointments are both in my list of job responsibilities. I use the client’s car or mine, whichever they prefer; if we use mine, I get reimbursed for mileage.
SURELY your boss/company has a policy about this, especially with the potential liability issues mentioned above. SURELY. I mean, sitting at a table helping your client clean silverware is one thing; I suppose that could be viewed as social time which is certainly very important. But running errands? No. Can you clarify the expectations with your boss?
This was my exact question, where does your employer stand on this? To me, it sounds HIGHLY inappropriate for the adult children to be making these requests, but unfortunately, I bet you are not the first to encounter this. Maybe you could clarify with your boss if this is considered appropriate? That way, you would be able to simply cite workplace policies. “I”m sorry, but I’m not allowed to drive your mom to the store to return curtains.” If your employer sighs heavily and says, yes, we know, but it is just an unfortunate loophole that some people will exploit, and it makes the clients feel useful, so we do it, well, then when you start to feel uncomfortable you can tell yourself, ok, but this is all above-board and the powers that be are fine with it, so…out of my hands.
This makes me feel supremely icky. I realize there are some situations where your client is totally fine with it, for whatever reason, but it does seem very exploitive. Yuck.
I feel like this probably falls into the same category as something I run into as a SAHM of little kids. Someone who has no idea what it is actually like assigns me a task, thinking “well, it will be nice for her to have something to do.” (Ahem, FIL.)
WHY. Why.
When I was single and underemployed people would do the same thing. “Why don’t you come house-sit and dog-sit for us for two weeks! We’ll pay you a pittance, it’ll completely exhaust you, it will prevent you from doing anything on your to-do list, but you’ll get to spend time in our nice house!”
I think I was picturing your clients much more in the shape of my great aunt who has home health care workers. She was nearly blind from cataracts, could walk from room to room with minor assistance and had to be fed. She had dementia and a super mean streak that was a hold over from her younger days. She was childless and my mom (her niece) waded through the task of hiring day and night help.
So I was very surprised to hear you were running errands with them at all much less returning curtains.
I will say that my mom (who has rheumatoid arthritis) works 3 days a week as a nurse, watches my kids a day and a half, and oversaw the care of my aunt who lived an hour away in addition to, you know, her tasks around her own home and life. The caregiver started volunteering to grocery shop for my aunt (my mom had been doing that too) and my mom snapped up the offer because she was overwhelmed. So I could see where people in the “sandwich generation” might MIGHT think “Well, swistle is taking mom to the grocery store, maybe she could help me out with this one task since it’s right up the street. But, I’ll phrase it so she doesn’t feel weird about it. It would help me out so much that it can’t hurt to ask.”
I’m not saying it’s right. I’m saying I can see how it might Happen. I’m sorry you have to navigate this.
I agree with basically everything people have written here. It’s so uncomfortable! But I can imagine situations where it could come up from people who aren’t jerks! Thoroughly fuzzy grey area all around.
I think I’d end up with your approach, too. For me, analyzing the situation can get me to a place where I feel less helpless around it all. Acquiescing to a request that gives me a vague feeling of discomfort can easily make me feel gullible and frustrated. But if I can make that feeling more distinct and defined, then it feels more like an actual decision that I’ve made, rather than a possibly icky compromise made just to avoid conflict.
If it is still making you uncomfortable, I hope that all the commiseration can help with that piece of it, at least.
I have a different take on this… A different way to look at it. My husband’s grandmother had companions and my husband’s mother thought that it was nice to give the grandmother reasons to get out of the house for a change of scenery. She wanted her to be engaged and busy even when she wa too busy to take her out herself. So she would have the caregivers take her for a scenic drive or get her haircut, etc. I wouldn’t be surprised if she had them run errands sometimes just to give the drive another purpose. If you’re allowed to drive your clients around I don’t see much of a problem. You are being a companion. If you get the feeling that the client really doesn’t want to go out then that is another story. Although my grandmother in law never really wanted to go out but once she was out she didn’t want to go back home! She loved it. It is about quality of life at that stage and you are providing that. I do trust your judgment though if you think the children are just using you or taking advantage of their mother.
This is exactly how I see it–if the client is able to go into Sears and take care of the return and just needs someone to drive her and maybe walk in with her to avoid falls, then I wouldn’t have a problem with it. In my mind, it beats sitting at home, helps the client feel useful, and gives them a little exercise and fresh air.
Yes, this was how I saw it, too. When my mother-in-law was in her declining years she was desperate to get out of her apartment, see the world, be useful. Returning the curtains does all of these things. And still, I absolutely HATED taking her on field trips. I was worried about her tripping, she tended to be non-compliant about using her walker, etc. Polishing silverware, on the other hand, I would have loved because it would have given us a reason to sit in quiet companionship. Even if I had been doing all the polishing, she would have felt useful. I guess it comes down to what your job description is. If part of it is being a companion, these are companion tasks. But do check on the insurance. It all needs to be explicit and in writing.
I’d also be interested to know if the jobs you would otherwise be doing (preparing lunch, washing up) are being done by the grown children, or if 1. the elderly parent is being left after you leave to take care of those things OR 2. you are expected to also squeeze those things in after running errands for the grown child.
If the grown child is taking care of those jobs, I’d be far more sympathetic. Then it sounds more like “I can do the meal planning and preparation when I get home, but I can’t get my elderly parent to the store at a reasonable hour after work, she enjoys getting out and doing those things, and here is someone who is here to help take care of her, so this is how I’d prefer to divide the labor.” This feels more cooperative and less exploitative.
It’s totally inappropriate if your client is left to do those things herself.
It’s more fuzzy if you are left to fit those things in yourself. To the extent you can do so without killing yourself, if it makes your client happy, then maybe it’s ok. But if your client has no desire to do those things and you feel uncomfortable with it, then you can politely refuse. Assuming you feel comfortable doing that. Which, I can tell you, I would not. Because confrontation.
Up until recently we would visit my FIL (coming in from several hours away) and try to be careful not to disrupt the caregiver. We would purposely go to the store to replace anything we used up, to be certain to avoid the impression that we expected the caregiver to run errands for us. My FIL thought this was silly. He pointed out (correctly) that the caregiver typically did not have enough tasks to fill the two hour visit and that we should “let” her take care of stuff. I guess as a caregiver I would consider pushing back by saying something like: “Hmm, if we make that excursion, I’m just concerned that we won’t have time to finish dear client’s bath and make sure we get her support stockings on…”
I guess this comment is just an excuse to say that I recognize the dilemma, and that we were SO fortunate in the caregivers we had for my FIL in the last year of his life. When he fell and went in to the hospital for what turned out to be the last time, the caregiver on duty (who was at the end of a two hour shift) voluntarily extended her shift to wait at the hospital for the six hours it took my husband to drive in from out of town.
I love this comments section. I can’t wait to read an update, so many things I didn’t think of.
Years and years ago, I was employed as a home health care attendant for a disabled man who lived with his parents. My duties were mostly making his meals, keeping his living area clean, and taking him to his many appointments and social activities. As time went on though, the mother definitely started to see me as “the help”-and all of a sudden, I was cleaning other parts of the house and was running errands for her-albeit with the son.
So, I feel for you-I do think there are some people who figure why not take advantage of having you there? But it isn’t your job to do their stuff…but I can see how it is a grey area, of wanting your client to feel useful. This is a tough one-mine was definitely more clear cut-and I can see why you might be torn.