It seems as if it’s time for a general update on the children.
1. Rob is a junior in high school, and it turns out that “taking the SATs” is more like “putting your name on a mailing list sold to every college in the country.” I am panicking about college selection. I am dealing with this by doing nothing that would alleviate my panic. Rob is dealing with this by ramping up my panic with statements such as “I might want to try a college in Europe.” Rob has started playing violin as well as piano. He is also teaching piano lessons, which I feel is a cool job for a high school kid. He thinks he would like to quit that and bus tables instead. I am practicing not arguing about things like that.
2. You know, it’s always hard to think of something to say about William. I have this same problem when writing newsy updates on Christmas cards. He’s…interested in languages, there’s something I can say. He took Spanish, now he’s taking Latin, he’s planning to take sign language. He has his father’s skill of defusing tense/irritable situations with humor.
3. Elizabeth is still obsessed with walruses. She is The Best right now, which I assume is setting me up for the worst that is to come when she hits puberty. She perches on the arm of my chair and tells me all about what happened at school and who said what to whom. She talks with her hands—mostly from the wrists, so that her arms are steady and her hands/fingers are moving. She snaps her fingers a lot while talking; I don’t think she realizes she’s doing it.
4. Edward is hard to discuss, mostly because when I think of Edward I think first of what’s going on with his Crohn’s, so then I end up talking about Crohn’s instead of about Edward, and then I end up talking about our problems with the lab instead of talking about Crohn’s. One of his medications needs to be reduced, but it’s not available in that dosage, so we have to get it from a compounding (i.e., custom-made prescriptions) pharmacy in another state. I have been trying to return this pharmacy’s call, but their phone system says my call cannot be transferred at this time. I tried to contact them with their online form to let them know I was having this problem, and it said the message could not be sent. Combined with our problems with the lab, I sometimes feel as if we are being pranked.
5. Speaking of pranks, Henry has been peeing into the water reservoir of his water gun, in preparation for an excellent summer prank against his brother. Luckily this fact emerged the easy way (he accidentally told me) instead of any other way.
I was just wondering if you’d write about Rob’s college application process, as we have one William’s age so it’s coming up in a couple years. I understand it’s somewhat different than when we were teens.
I hope things get easier medically for Edward.
I would like that too. My oldest is a sophomore, but apparently he is supposed to start thinking about colleges already. I am dealing with my feeling about this by creating a college spreadsheet featuring Things That Are Important to Me featuring Colleges My Friends Went to or Taught At. That may make it useless as far as helping him pick a college, but it is doing a bang-up job of keeping me distracted and, thus, silent.
Henry!!!
I love these little glimpses at each child’s current status.
And I continue to be livid and hand flappy about what you and Edward have to deal with.
It is an AWESOME skill to not react to contrary or inflammatory things that people say and thus press the ON button on an argument. Just let whatever they say float there in the air.
But it’s so HARD!
OH EMM GEEE HENRY
I love you forever, Swistle. Lately it seems that out there in the Internet Sea of Bloggers, every child update is long winded “prose”, and a verbose, thinly veiled parenting humble-brag (“Our little Lyndlee still doesn’t show any interest in electronics preferring instead to graft trees in our greenhouse because we know that boredom is the fount for which creativity flows. When she’s not nursing the orphaned chipmunks back to life, she’s begging me to let her organize our root cellar.”) My boys get bored and see what’s it like to pee of the top of the bunk bed. :shrug:
Bahahahahahaha!
xox
This is very timely. I was just thinking about emailing you about children. I am 31, and will be getting married in September. I have always wanted 3-4 kids (I have five brothers and a sister and love having a lot of siblings), but when I think about actually starting my own family, it seems downright terrifying.
How to people decide to have children? Is everyone a nervous mess about it, or am I crazy? I will be 32 in January 2017, so I know if I really do want a lot of kids, I would need to get a move on. Any insight would be appreciated.
Also, I love your updates. Henry sounds like one of my brothers. He unraveled my first ever cassette tape and peed on it just because.
I HAVE THE VERY COMMENTS SECTION FOR YOU: https://www.swistle.com/2007/02/15/deciding-whether-or-not-to-be-a-mother/
I found it helpful to first consider the “Do I want children or no?” question, to which I answered YES because I had been hit by a biological bus. THEN, separately, the “How MANY?” question, which we sketched out ahead of time (we were pretty sure we wanted about four) but decided to take one child at a time.
Yay! This is perfect. Thanks!
Swistle, someday will you write about the number of kids to have, pros and cons, etc?? I make myself crazy. Right now I have two sons. I know I want to have at least one more, but not sure about two more. Yet I am so strongly biased against three children that I feel that if I go for one more, I am essentially deciding to have two more. It’s just that all my anecdotal evidence with friends, family, etc., points to four kids being best (kids being close both as children and as adults) and three being worst (middle child syndrome!!). And even the research shows that moms of three are most stressed out; moms of four or more are least stressed out. It seems so silly, because obviously I can take it as it comes, anything could happen, etc., but I am a PLANNER. I had very bad experiences with both my pregnancies and deliveries, so not sure I can do it two more times!! (Plus, while I adore the preschool phase, I’m not as big on the baby/toddler phase. Do I really want to do that two more times, too??)
Anyway, that is a long-winded plea from this anxious reader! ;)
Yes! Another Baby or Not
This is perfect timing for me because I have been fretting about this very question yet too lazy to look in your archives!!!
Yes! You rock, Swistle! :)
Huh. This has not been my experience. I’m very content with my three. HOWEVER, I have always said that the three work because they are close-ish in age. First two separated by 2 years, 2 months. Second two separated by 2 years, 1 month. At this point we can choose extra-curriculars where all three can go at the same time/same place. So my husband can take all three to skating/swimming/violin while I get shopping done *all by myself*. I don’t think I’d enjoy taking the fourth (a two-year old?) with me. Another probable mitigating factor for us is that the middle child is the only girl, so everyone gets a distinguishing role. I can see though that three is kinda in-between-ish for things like deciding about work-life balance. If we’d had a fourth, I’d probably be a stay-at-home mom. If we had only two, the expense of childcare would be much less onerous.
HAAAA OMG HENRY.
Awww as an on-again / off-again piano teacher I want Rob to continue as well! :) As an ex-table busser I can also report that job a) sucked a lot and b) did not pay as well as teaching piano. But restaurants ARE a fun & exciting place to work at that age, so I see the appeal.
If you are a podcast person, I strongly recommend listening to Getting In, which is about the college application process. It’s hosted by a former admissions dean at Stanford and has lots of experts as regular guests. They also follow a group of students as they apply and find out, but the best parts are the listener questions. I listen to it for work, and it is super informative about the process but even more importantly for you, I would think, is that it’s very calming. And they talk about going to college in Europe!
Such a fun update!
Ava (9 1/2) is The Best right now, too. In fact I so strongly prefer this stage to any one so far that Timehop posts featuring garment-rending and pictures of babies/toddlers leave me utterly mystified. HOW could ANYONE prefer THAT to THIS??
That’s pretty much what my mom said, too. She loved us when we were tiny, but she says she MUCH preferred the time when we reached the age where she could have real conversations with us. Baby/Toddler age held not much appeal for her.
My regular job is helping kids and families figure out the college selecting/applying/financial aid process, it’s what I do all day every day. I have two pieces of up-front advice, and you are WELCOME to email me anytime.
1. Go on a college tour this year. Call the admissions office to set this up if it’s not easy to find on the college website. Take Rob, obviously, but if possible, also take your other kids. Ask questions about what it’s like living on campus, other activities, etc in addition to the more obvious academic program questions. Even if you aren’t going to some fancy out-of-state college, just getting Rob on a local college campus will help both of you become more familiar with how things are. If you can schedule more than one tour, do it, again, even if it’s just the local college or university. Being able to see how things are the same and how things are different campus to campus will help all parties involved.
2. Next fall, in October 2017, sit down with Rob and apply for the FAFSA. *In October.* You will use your 2016 tax information, which can be imported from the IRS straight into the FAFSA application, and the whole thing should only take 30 or 40 minutes, max. There are a LOT of institutional scholarships that require a student to have a submitted FAFSA in order to qualify, there are MILLIONS of dollars of PELL grant funding that are unused every year because they were not applied for. My state leads the charge with over FORTY MILLION DOLLARS of funding left on the table, waiting for a kid to apply for it. FORTY MILLION! Apply for the FAFSA, even if you don’t think you qualify for Pell Grants and aren’t interested in student loans. Apply so you have options, and then decide later. (www.fafsa.ed.gov.)
Most colleges and universities have priority deadlines in December, but some have Honor’s College deadlines earlier, in November or even October. So, double check those, and start filling out applications as soon as he starts his senior year. Most colleges update their application over the summer, but by September they should all be ready for the next freshman class.
You got this, lady! You are already thinking more about it than most parents. Take a deep breath, and keep adding to those spreadsheets! (And seriously, email me if you want to, I can talk about this all day. feistyharriet[at]gmail)
xox
Lies. October of 2016, the October of his senior year. My bad. Planning a year ahead for my work stuff and got all mixed up. :)
xox
Aaaaand, it will be 2015 tax info, the stuff that’s due imminently to the IRS. This is a huge change in FAFSA deadlines and tax year, and it is ALL FOR THE BETTER! (Thanks, Obama!)
xox
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA THANK YOU
Oldest appears to be doing his best to bait me with comments and thoughts similar to Rob’s. Intellectually I realize he’s not actually intentionally trying to push my buttons or to cause me to repeatedly ask him if he’s nuts, but emotionally it requires a monumental effort of will for me not to engage. I blame the fact that I have to use all my willpower not to ask my son if he’s crazy for my having no willpower left at the end of the day to resist eating all the baked goods in my house.
And Henry is a perfect window into young boy’s though processes. SIGH.
I laughed so hard about Henry. He is the same age as my son and I can absolutely imagine this happening in my home.
What’s Edward into these days?
Video games, almost to the exclusion of all else!
Regarding Elizabeth being the best and your fears that this is just to set you up for the fall that is puberty, my older daughter is thirteen and is still awesome. She still wants to sit next to me and tell me all about her friends at school, she still shares her passions with me and misses me when we’re not together.
Just wanted to let you know that Elizabeth might not become a pubescent nightmare.
Same with my almost 13 year old. Still a delight 99% of the time!
Same here. My daughter is 18 now, and with the exception of a bad day here or there, she was and is awesome. There is definitely hope!
My relationship with my mom has only gotten better as I’ve gotten older. I’m 32 now and she’s definitely one of my best friends. We very rarely had arguments during my teen years and have always enjoyed spending time together.
OMG!!! Henry!!! I got to laughing about the water gun so hard that I had tears running down my face! My co-workers were concerned. That is EPIC!
Snork. Henry, man. Now I am trying to imagine the accidental conversation (“No, you see, I just need the funnel to help me fill the reservoir…wait.”).
And thanks for this, Swistle. I have a William-age boy and he is an utter mystery to me so every clue helps. Although I am Not Ready to think about college (bonus: with my son’s grades, we might not have to!) it helps to squint through my fingers and see that yes, indeed, people I know do this and it can be done.
I recommend this book by Frank Bruni:
Where You Go Is Not Who You’ll Be: An Antidote to the College Admissions Mania
In a nutshell, there are millions of successful people who did not attend prestigious universities. The “best” school might not be the best school for you. I read it last year, and my oldest is only heading to high school.
Yes! I was just coming down here to recommend Where You Go is Not Who You’ll Be. I listened to the audiobook version over the summer and enjoyed it immensely. It was fascinating to learn about all the interesting and accomplished people who went to colleges/universities you have never heard of. My nephew is graduating next year, and this book was quite calming for my sister-in-law, who tends toward an anxious personality type.
My wife and I both often wax nostalgic about the years we spent at our respective unimpressive states universities: the people we met, the things we learned, the student loans we didn’t need to take out. There are good schools out there for nearly every need/preference, and preparing for college is so much more exciting once you find those places. Also, I agree completely about taking tours. Nothing clarifies what you’re looking for in a college experience quite like visiting a place that is emphatically not it.
Hm, I’m not up on American universities – though I’ve certainly heard of the big ones – but I did read something within the last year (by Malcolm Gladwell I think?) in which it is said that it’s often better to be a big fish in a small pond when it comes to post-secondary education. I seem to recall reading that if you do well relevant to your peers, you’re more likely to be happy with your major and end up in your field at the end of it.
So yeah, not sure if that’s helpful, but I found it interesting.
My personal experience: I went to 2 schools and the one I did my undergrad at was not the biggest one for my field of study (biology), but was absolutely full of overall geeky people like me (it’s huge for math, engineering, etc.); the one I did my M.Sc. at was one of the top ones in Canada for biological sciences, but I didn’t really relate to most of the people I encountered there. I ended up LOVING my undergrad and made many lifelong friends there. It was where I really found my tribe. Grad school? I didn’t make any friends really and spent 2 years being lonely and unhappy, and I hated that school experience, despite the prestige of my program. So I ended up feeling that the vibe of the place can really make or break the post-secondary experience. YMMV
Make that “relative” to your peers. Sheesh!
Oh Henry! What a scamp!
Definitely take Rob to visit a couple of colleges; it makes the deciding where to apply just a bit easier.
Also (if no one mentioned it yet?), if you visit a college on one of their official, chaotic, everybody-is-here-OMG days, oftentimes, you will get a waiver for the application fee.
Mary is a sophomore, so we are starting to think about these things. I’m kinda putting this on my husband’s capable shoulders and hiding behind the curtain of denial.
LOVE the update on all the kids!
OMG HENRY!!!
Applying to college can seem VERY overwhelming at first, but in my experience most students will settle on one or two first-choice schools and a handful of backups pretty quickly, and it gets way easier from there. Many college applications are done via the Common App now, which simplifies things greatly…you just fill out one basic application that you can use for all of the schools you apply for. (Some schools require additional essays or letters, but you only have to fill out the basic information once.)
If going to school in Europe doesn’t work out, I suggest looking at schools with good study-abroad programs–studying abroad a great experience, and it’s usually WAY cheaper than going to an overseas school for all four years. International tuition is $$$$$$$$. There are some countries in Europe that offer free tuition regardless of nationality, but you have to be fluent in the country’s language in order to qualify.
Another thing to keep in mind: many of the schools that send you brochures in the mail aren’t very good. There’s a reason why they need to advertise so much!
FYI, my dad has a compounding pharmacy and since he’s a workaholic, I would bet you could get your meds from him rather quickly (we’re in a different state so it would depend on some regulations, I’m guessing.) I’d be happy to connect you, if you’d like.
I taught music lessons in high school. I had a very short-lived food services job in college. Music lessons are just so, so, so much better. More flexible, more ability to do things your own way, more interesting, you name it.
On the other hand, my brief food services job taught me that I never wanted to do anything like that again, so it may not have been a total waste.
I’m very impressed with your determination to not argue that type of thing. I always *mean* to do that, and then end up arguing anyways.
I think everybody should work in food services, at least for a summer or so, in order to 1) learn to be nice to people in the service industry, and 2) appreciate the value of generous tipping once you have a decent enough job to afford it.
You do make me laugh, Swistle! I will not tell my grandson about the water gun! I know he will try it… What a clever 5th child you have!
I appreciated a realistic discussion with my parents about what was feasible for us, when I was going to college. My niece wanted to go to college in “a small city, but not too small, with skiing nearby” and all these rando things and I was like, um, what about the schooling part of it? It didn’t figure, I guess. Anyway, I wish there was a way Rob could continue to do piano AND bus tables one night a week or something because waiting tables/working in a restaurant is such a good skill to get, it can be very lucrative. Especially in Europe, ha! Kidding!
Rob should ask school’s about their exchange program. Basically, you go study abroad for a year as part of your degree but you pay the same tuition you would normally pay to your home university. A lot of people I know did this and it was the highlight of their university experience.
I was talking last night with a bigshot corporate consultant, who mentioned that the whole “best college” thing is a bit of a scam. Colleges talk about how their average ACT score is ___, or ___ % of their graduates find jobs, while swearing that their real role is to help students learn how to think. But ACT scores measure the students they attract, not what they produce. For most students in the current market, a bachelor’s doesn’t dramatically increase their earnings (this is a big problem). And when entering freshmen and graduating seniors are tested on critical thinking, there is not much of an improvement. Even for things like medical school, the graduates know very little, and most of what they learn is in residency (aka on the job apprenticeship).
What it implies, really, is that if Rob is the sort of person who can get into Fancypants College, being that person will serve him well. Perseverance, critical thinking, well-roundedness, time management, hobbies: these are huge! The actual college he goes to? Mostly useful for networking. Please tell him to minimize his debt as best he can, because our student debt (actual and monthly payment) is bigger than our mortgage*.
*the house sale just fell through because the seller is underwater, but we filled out the mortgage paperwork, so the data is correct
When I needed it, I found the site College Confidential to be quite informative. Now the key here is to be careful – on some sections of the forum, you’ll find seemingly perfect students stressing about their grades and test scores, everyone being mean and calling each other a failure over small details, and people wondering whether getting an A- has ruined their chances of getting into Harvard with a merit scholarship forever. Details only slightly exaggerated.
So, yeah, try to avoid those sections. On the other hand, some people over there can be extremely knowledgeable and helpful about the process, particularly trickier details such as financial aid.